Jannes

An insightful evening. So that girl who put lots into it came again and immediately went to me for a hug. The vibe was immediately on for about a minute. Then we went to play table tennis and it was just so full I couldnt really get the vibe going. The girl whom I talked about it was also there and observed the whole thing. She said that I look very interested and seem happy and she also seems very interested. But I really dont feel too much. Mostly just overwhelm. I notice that its important for me and I dont want to screw it up but I dont really feel emotions towards her. Her observation was also that she doenst really know a distance, she has no problem getting close to people. This is like the opposite of whats possible for me, too much closeness and I feel overwhelmed easily. Maybe that explains it, the first moment we met I was still pretty open and then I closed rapidly. She went to a different place and said I could come if I wanted. I wasnt really sure about that place though so she said she would tell me how it is there. She didnt text though. I sent her a picture of the game we were playing at our spot. That seemed to change a lot in me. I was finally invested and checked my messages every 20 minutes. Also thought about what she might be doing and with whom.. But I also seemed to open up a bit more. And maybe most importantly I felt understood by the girl who talked to me. The artist girl was also there. She definitely was a bit more distant on a subtle level. I feel like I overreacted slightly yesterday. Interestingly though if she didnt didnt distant herself subtly today I wouldnt have questioned myself at all and would have felt like I was right. We arent all perfect, moreso we are opportunist and the like and dont even notice it about ourselves so some things need to be put into place with power gestures.

What if I fear that when I finally built a connection that I will react to it through a trauma response which means that I would push back or something and that this will break up the connection and that I cant deal with THAT. I had a childish relationship in school once. And at one point I dont even know what happened but I pushed her back, I couldnt take the closeness anymore. Afterwards she distanced herself a lot and I didnt even know what happened and why. Only through retrospection later did I remember my response. Thats kind of what I fear maybe.

You can reach high social states by stealing love from other people. When I approach a bunch of people who might be interested in more but dont take that road but just go to the next person you can start to float.

I am becoming a lot hornier. When I become emotionally more healthy I become hornier. So there is a natural balance accuring, because not commiting and fucking around does not help with emotional health. Maybe I only ever wanted to become emotionally healthy to use it to fuck around. I am a devil.

She even took a hair out of my face. What a lovely gesture ..

I recently made happiness gains but through socializing not through spirituality. Being at a bar full of people you vibe with can feel so rewarding. This is my level now. I am looking forward to exhausting this though and going for the real gold.

I felt a bit hollow in the end though. Couldnt really find anything deep in me.

Even the girl who seemed like she was interested but who I only want to be friends with seemed super happy to see me. Men I worry so much about some things.. For a short moment I thought I realized a new quality of feeling connected, a sense of peace even. It subsided relatively quickly though and I was still good but not to the same extend. I cant really articulate but I felt like I changed a bit, like I got so used to socializing, a new quality was emerging. Talked to one of the girls who was new there. I was a bit nervous though which I didnt expect coming from a social mood. .. The artist girl was also there. I greeted her and she was super open but then turned away ignoring me like she always did actually and this time I just went away. She made a bit of a power gesture later grabbing me casually on the shoulder when she needed a pad to grap something, it had a light sexual touch to it. Generally I was just a bit more distant. I talked to a female friend about her two days ago and she told me she seems to have some daddy issues and needs attention and stuff but also that she seems to have a big heart. Maybe that was why I changed my mind a bit. But its all right, will be interested how this will evolve moving forward.

Blackpill is such a vibe killer, dont even want it in my system.

Eww ... I could train my neck and face muscles I guess but that would be ackward.

I dont like the blackpill vibe but there is probably some helpful advice in this:

This one girl I dont even really know offered to talk to me about my situation and I asked her for advice again. This feels so good. Its one of the key components for getting more comfortable socially.

One of the most important things for me to integrate seems to be to built a connection with someone. And there honesty is I think the most important thing. My first f+ gave me a giant confidence boost. She didnt take my bullshit and in a way I grew a lot from that. I would like something similiar again.

I think I need to make some kind of resumee about my progress so far with socializing. Its not really that I solved all my issues, but I figured out some of the roots of my problems.

Love goes through the stomach and I just got a stomach ache from eating too much wheat. Dont wanna let anyone close to me atm. Or maybe its that a friend asked me to go to the sauna with him. I am easily overloaded.

I think women value these traits but without some emotional touch these guys seem unrelatable und initially unconnectable. Ideally you have the full package. But also I think guys with a purely hard shell who cant be emotional are often lacking behind in their development somehow so that a guy can be emotional can actually be a sign that he has his life in order - friends, not depressed, etc. so he can effort to be emotionally playful. Yeah being playful is about having fun. It can be a strong shift from how you usually think.

I was always surprised how well acting feminine worked out. When I acted feminine I often thought that I stretched it too far, that she will be unattracted to me now, but no it kept working.

I just dont know if my reaction to the girl who put a lot in was natural or completly trauma based. Did I just get a gift and couldnt take it? It could get hairy when that girl who asked for my number will be at the social spot as well, if I go for something casual anyway then rather the the first one. Not sure how to manage that.

Damn Michael Jackson really was a personality, its like everyone is a different variety of vanilla compared to this other flavour of Michael Jackson. His ideas are obviously an ideolized fantasy, if they were to be implemented a lot of child abuse would happen.

I want to sit there, lost in thought, looking at this beautiful sight, when she sees me, sits next to me without saying a word and enjoys the sight with me for the next 3 hours until it gets dark.

I already nailed socializing last friday evening. I wonder if I reached these states before and what had stopped me then.

I need some kind of structure, goals, things to work towards besides socializing despite socializing being maybe the most important thing to do for me right now.

I dont know how to talk about my observation in my old theatre club especially, that girls will just cheat and lie to get you, when you have enough status or give them enough emotional stimulus. Its like I am on the top of the mountain here and need to explain things myself without getting anyones support.

That time at my social spot when this girl asked me for my number, after I walked off I made a funny devil gesture to a girl I am friends with and who witnessed what was going on. Interestingly enough another girl introduced herself to me shortly afterwards as well. Maybe its just the positive vibe that I gave off, or maybe she liked it that I took it lightly and seemed to not look for something long term. In my old theatre club I felt like I could never cross that bridge, being openly interested in casual hookups and people being okay with it. Well they acted like they were.. -- wait yeah, they acted like they were.. Well I guess its more that I perceived walls that didnt really exist in that way?