Jannes

I wrote the mario-kart-n-chill-girl that my situation is a bit complicated at the moment and that I would text her when things become more clear. I feel so free and happy to go to my social spot now. I could already explain in theory why I have many social problems from not standing up for myself etc. but now I see it in practice. I just had less of an egoic force which created a bad survival situation for myself which made me struggle which made it difficult to connect. Also I thought when I am as egoic as I am that I wouldnt find people because I wouldnt be interested in such people but everyone has this egoic force to themselves so its fine, people expect it. Everyone expects each other to be as egoistical as they are. However with adhd you couldnt even really replicate that. You could make an expression of this egoic behaviour but it would be so transparent that it wouldnt really work. If your in the gist of it you naturally hide it.

When I got to my social place yesterday and looked at everybody I was so confused. Like how did I make all of these friends? How did they get to me? How did this happen? When have I ever made a choice? There is another girl at the social with very strong adhd and she has a lot of older friends who seemed to really appreciate her for some reason and I always wondered how this dynamic manifested itself. .. With adhd you are less focused on yourself. So much of this flirting that I did happened naturally because I didnt focus so much on myself which for other people is more of a rarety which is why they value this more and also take it more personal. I have less ego motivation to be friends with someone for egoistical reasons, for example matching status or gaining status. Which is why I cant engage in certain ego bonds. I talked with a psychologist a few years ago about not being able to make "cool" friends. But its a more profound issue then they gave me credit for back then. Also when I perceive someone as threatlike then I cant really process these emotions as good which is why I wont engage as much with high status people.

@Recursoinominado @Natasha Tori Maru @ivankiss When I am really honest with myself, I am also not 100% interested in her simply based on looks. She looks good, but I could get someone more attractive. The vibe is fantastic though and I wished it was different. Anyways because I didnt want to admit that to myself I maybe looked for rationalizations why I wasnt feeling it, when the reality was, when she looked more attractive I would have been able to go deeper instead of withdrawl. And also that may be why she tries to be in power to compensate for this slight imbalance. .. Just got going with my adhd medication so some things appear to be clearing up.

Medicinet be like

I am super confused with what this evening even was. It was kind of a fever dream literally. I think the wpmi-girl wants me to be genuinely interested in her and is hurt when I am not. .. The medicinet is wearing off. It was amazing on monday but was kind of shit afterwards .. mmh ..

I think the wpmi-girl just wants to feel saught-after and in power and I am not giving her that feeling. This might be why she is constantly chatting with other guys to get that sense back.

That went horribly. Well she said she was okay with talking but it was all a little weird. She came a little later and then first chatted with some other people outside before greeting me. We had a nice chat. Another girl I had a difficult dynamic with also came after quite some time. I flirted with her quite a lot before but didnt want anything romantic so I stopped and then she didnt come for some time. For some reason she seemed super interested and into flirting with me. Well we catched eyes once and shortly afterwards the wpmi-girl went outside for a break. Not sure if she catched that. She seemed a bit distant. And then at some point she decided to go. I asked if we dont want to talk anymore and she said she doenst has capacity for it today. I prepared myself emotionally so much and then just didnt need to do it. For tomorrow at the social spot the other girl wants to come as well, the mariokart&chill-girl also and her. I have no idea how to handle this. Also I am feeling pretty sick because of the medication. It feels like a bit of a fever and constant sniffing, maybe I have an excuse to not go then.

A person who expresses these traits is likely a leftist but many leftist look very normal.

Asked the wpmi-girl if we want to go for a walk. This is one of the most difficult things to do for me, but a talk needs to be had. I think this is only possible for me to do because of medication though.

Yeah. So you are saying you trained with shit technique? What exercises did you do?

Feeling kind of sick. It was the same before when I was "microdosing" medicinet. There is just so much more energy and emotional processing that my system may be overloaded a bit.

I was so horny when I was sleeping today. Thought about a girl where I rejected sex before for complex reasons but I have so much desire to sleep with her actually.

Controlled back strength training can be very beneficial for back health, have you done any exercises wrong?

Brain-rot has its own category of how it feels like I just noticed:

With medicinet I am a lot more capable of giving strong responses/ verbal comebacks in conflict situations but I loose my pokerface. You can actually catch me. Without medication I have a pokerface but I am not capable of strong responses/ verbal comebacks in conflict situations.

I am afraid that I become dependent of medicinet. The sort of confidence I had yesterday, all the jokes I easily accessed .. I cant really replicate that without medication I think. But also I am not sure if medicinet numbs my brain, that could be the case as well.

I experienced a short moment of spiritual joy. When I looked out of the window into nature I experienced everything so raw, it had a profound beauty to it that cant be put into words. I rememebered that this was part of my everyday reality when I was younger.

Couldnt sleep that well. I woke up and had a good one hour break with a snack and some youtube until I got calm enough to sleep again. Thats a possible side effect of medicinet unfortunately. I experienced the same thing with body doubling though, so maybe its just because I tackled so many things yesterday that my system couldnt fully relax.

People already did this as soon as dating apps were a thing, havent heard of anyone selling the technology though. Yeah it is unethical because this information will get out and people will have less trust in dating apps in general, ruining the experience for anyone. Imagine building a connection with someone on this App but then being cautious that it might be a trick and holding back. Also a guy who is bad at texting probably wont just be great at chatting at the date, which will be confusing for the women.

Chatted with her bf who is a friend of mine today. He spoke about their sex life and that they opened up once at festival times. The rules however were that no one they knew was allowed and that that person should never be seen again. WTF This girl is kind of the highest anker of morality I could find Well, he also spoke about that she was way less experienced sexually than him, so maybe thats what I am offering, an exciting adventure to explore sexuality.

I thought the effect wasnt that strong of medicinet but at impro acting today and socializing I owned. It did make a huge difference.

Had my first day at university in the semester again. Seems very chill so far. Made a new contact and another girl I also saw asked to hang out. I wonder if she is poly or just very comfortable with me. Its like making connection is effortless. Interestingly with this girl I was more able to form a bond or be comfortable then with the wpmi-girl. I think its simply a power dynamic thing, she is younger then the wpmi-girl. I also think I am just lacking experience with the wpmi-girl. She may open up a dynamic which I cant see and would need to learn first to appreciate.

I havent thought about that I can use my medicinet to learn other stuff like kniting. Usually I dont have the calm to learn something new but I can use medicinet to do that and then I have something to do to process my emotions without the medication. That might be a plan.

🍄 - Day It wasnt really that insightful though. What I find interesting about that is that the one time I was at the festival with this girl eating chocolate, I was way more interested in deep contemplation. I guess my survival situation was handled for in that moment .. ...

She wasnt quite my type physically. The last couple of times she looked better though. Not sure if she did something with her looks or if I think she looks better because I am invested.