Jannes

When love is scarce I like this artistic expression in the Midnight Gospel of a dark and unforgiving planet. Well, pretty much any artistic genre ever intuitively grasped this and could express it artistically if it needed to. But whats really being expressed there? When love is scarce, consciousness turns into night mode. The rules change. One is lucky to get the little sweet stuff from a fruit packed full of spikes and protective mechanisms and not get tricked by it in the process. Because love is such a scarce resource, everyone needs to protect the little love they have and find more and more clever ways to get it from everyone else. The second picture here, which is on Leos Blog, expresses the oppsite. Ones own survival agenda is given up. Its hard to imagine but it likely creates a flourishing, orgasmic, unburdend kind of place. Development of society/ consciousness at large can be mapped into a spectrum of these two expressions of love — from pure egoism to transcendence of ones survival agenda.

One of my very first axioms let's say of how I wanted to conduct my life was to pretend like I am the worst and get all the negative shit from that and behind it all act good without anyone knowing and without any of the benefits. The goal being it was to do something good for its own sake and not letting anyone take that away from me -- letting other people tell me how well I did and giving me benefits for it and then making it about the benefits instead of something I did for its own sake. .. I was very idealistic back then

Cap on levels of consciousness When you look at much of what humanity created in terms of humor, beauty, love it seems that at some point there is kind of a cap to it. I often ask myself if there is a higher quality of beauty, humor, love and intelligence out there that we as humans could experience and what that would be like. But a higher form would seemingly only be accessible from a higher state of consciousness. And maybe the current state of conscious experience most of us experience is a hard block for higher forms to enter, because higher or lower forms of consciousness wouldnt be understood. Moreover maybe the highest form of beauty for this given consciousness can only be found within this level of consciousness itself, because higher or lower forms wouldnt be understood. And exactly for that reason, only from a certain state of consciousness can certain ways of love be found. It couldnt be discovered from below or above.

But when I still appreciated her emotional side but then say it wasnt personal for me at all, thats a double standard.

I am not even sure if she wanted a relationship or just a short emotionally charged short time thing. Just because its emotional doesnt mean its long term. My short term experiences were always pretty straight forward and meaty, I am just lacking experience in this realm.

There are two things which I dont like about it. One is that it feels like she kind of has strong ideas and concepts about me which arent the real thing. It kind of felt like she interacted with an idea of me she had in her mind instead of the real me. The other thing is that it kind of creates a power inbalance. If she already has me "figured out" so to say and knows what the right buttons are. Its all about me, I dont really know her though. I only got fluff from her. She has never shown her teeth, any insecurities, nothing. She also seems to be way ahead in terms of social skills, relationship maturity etc. so that creates an even bigger gap. Her interest seemed real though despite me overfeeling slight inauthenticities because of adhd. Will see what this talk will bring about.

I am realizing that basically every social connection I have is in some way abusive. Even with the "low status" folks who I am more comfortable around, they try to gain the most possible. And thats simply because I couldnt set boundaries because conflict overwhelms me. What I wonder is, is it just that my actual egoic side is less pronounced or just less visible? And how do I go about it, because I think its just not possible to face conflict with adhd. I could either stay on medication forever, or I could find ways to be happy on my own or close to. When I learn to knittng for example to process my emotions and go to bars on my own to socialize but never to fully connect with people, or MAYBE find other adhd-folks to chill with when they play in the same league .. hmm ..

Because with medication accepting closeness, regulating excitement and fear from people who I hold in high regard, the perspective of a girlfriend actually become much more realistic. Didnt expect that.

When I browsed today I got sidetracked by porn. And I found one particular scene so heartwarming. Maybe its just because sex can be a very emotional thing. I could make a little collection of little gestures of love I saw in movies and such which actually melt me.

I am really getting addicted to youtube again. I am just copying videos from youtube to this journal and watch them. It has gotten to such a habit that its difficult to quit, it would completly change my whole day already. But its also hard to gradually decrease.

The RV-instruction book for my training arrived on thursday and today I read about a third of it. Its not much text at all and I already spotted like 3 spelling erros which makes it authentic but also gives it a bit of a low quality feel. The main part of the training are the personal sessions though which I am excited about and also the possibility to ask questions. My trainer said that after about 270 sessions I could work on (paid) projects. Will see how that goes. Good that university isnt that stressful atm so I can get both things done. Also learned to at least learn level 1 in knitting. It sucks that I can only watch left handed videos but its okay. Knitting COULD be cruical for many things at once, 1) to process emotions, 2) to stay aware for RV, 3) to not fall into Youtube addiction, etc. Will see. Overall not a ton of work done but it is work nonetheless and in the right direction.

@EdgeGod900 I think there are reasons for why its likely that values and strength match in both directions. If you care about something you put more energy into it and naturally become better at it. When you are naturally better at something, when it gives you a survival edge, then you are likely valuing it more.

I have always wondered why they never implement machines like the ones Team Rocket had in Pokemon Games. If you watched the Anime, it felt like an integral part of the adventure. You could have so many options with it as well. Not sure about the new Legends AZ game, maybe they have some machines there.

I think the reason why I have people around me where I have the survival edge - so to say, is because I am bad at creating boundaries so I spent time with people who cant overwhelm me. And with my new abilities I experience myself drifting more towards higher caliber - so to say. Although thats not totally true as well, because one I never really bonded with anyone and second I did spent time with people who already had relatively high status.. well kinda.

My conscious experience with medicinet is just so different from normal sober that so much changes. I already made insane progress without it so maybe this is the wrong path. I think its worth exploring nonetheless though. What I can say is that it doenst really seem to make me happy. I feel in the hands of the lord of survival which makes me feel irritable and always on track and idk what else.

Saw her at my social spot. What felt terrible was that some guy seemed to chat her up and she seemed interested, although it was just a short exchange. This would be one of the freeest and most moral lays I could ever find and I am not taking it because I want to keep the opportunity with the wpmi-girl. I am really putting her on a pedestal I just notice.

I think this is a little detail which is worth gold examining. I recently walked through the streets and saw a girl with hair which looked a bit like this at the neck, it was just a little shorter. It kind of looked like the tail of a rat on her. I cant be 100% sure, but she seemed like a leftist. And then this got me thinking, wearing hair which looks like a rat tail takes a lot of openmindedness, because loving rats is against humans survival agenda. But I guess exactly that made it all the more interesting, I absolutely loved it. Then I put the dots together, when you see development as widening your circle of love to more and more different things and the transcendence of ones own narrow survival agenda and when you see leftists as higher on this spectrum, this haircut makes perfect sense as a manifestation of these truths.

I asked her for a private talk on wednesday and she kind of avoided it. Same thing today. But she offered a walk next week. Almost feels like she wants to shake me off now, or she wants to check if I am serious.

Thats a good point! But that seems to make it even more complicated aaah

With this girl I havent really built a connection or anything, we didnt date, we just flirted pretty stongly. So this is not really an example of loosing a connection with someone because of looks because I never committed to a connection to begin with.

@Natasha Tori Maru With medicinet my dopamine system works stronger, so everything that is about mememe is more in the foreground. Its really interesting, I am not sure if it led to a value change or if this dynamic already was in my mind but just didnt capture my attention as much as my latest interpreatation says. Yeah exactly, I can at least look at the ugly beast holding the cards here, am I okay with the looks and go deeper or do I value looks so much that I should respectfully decline the offer. Maybe something in between is possible if it is communicated well. .. I made some space from other opportunities I have right now to focus on this. Will be interested to see where this will be going and what kind of insights I will have on medication.

You can hurt your shoulders with bench and overhead press for sure but for lower back and neck its not as obvious. Have you done mostly free weights or machine? Have you learned the technique or done it mostly free style? Have you felt back or neck pain during any particular exercise?