Jannes

Thats exactly my experience. When you dont have a social circle as a base then its hard to normally talk to strangers because you dont have that sense of basic belonging. You need some regular socializing which isnt on pick up level just to not be akward. But also the herd can make you complacent. I dont think about pick up when I am in a group.

Maybe my social struggles make it more likely that I tend to go for the PUA route. But random sex isnt even all that satisfying to me so there isnt much of a reason to do it. The problem is sometimes I just so horny and I dont want to feel restricted from this opportunity. I was think that when I seriously commit to a relationship that it will probably hold a lifetime because thats just what I am really good at. Maybe I am also overestimating myself idk.

How animals give each other ommunication signs. Reminds me of a situation I had at a club and others. When a situation doesnt seem accidental it most likely isnt.

Its interesting that my social problems are the first thing I tackled. For more then a decade now I tried to get better but there seemed to be such heavy blockades. Really on most days I mostly think about my social problems, my age, fashion, how I can make money, how to avoid work, my old club, how to get pussy and why I dont even want it at the same time and maybe a bit of spiritual stuff also. When I do think about the spiritual stuff its beautiful though. So generally I have to come to terms that I am not really there yet. God, philosophy, meditation retreats, many LP opportunities, all of that needs a survival foundation first.

Okay so I kind of hoped that I would find patterns in there that I didnt see before. But really I just found myself having the same insight over and over again from different angles. I got a lot better though over the months as I moved closer to the core of the problem I already identified. So my problem is obviously that I was hurt socially and that these unhealed wounds shape my current experience in such a way that when a new social opportunity arises these experiences are like a wisdom lense from the past from which I interpret the new situation which is quite problematic. This is how they effect my social situation: - I feel blockaded from opening up - Connecting feels painful - Authentic parts of myself, like bold, crazy or energetic energy rarely come to the surface - I underestimate my social value What made the healing process unsucesfull so far: - Moral concerns, I dont want to use people who give me support but whom I dont give anything back - I see very fast if a person isnt trustworthy. I am overly sceptical. - Its dangerous to connect to the wrong person and get hurt by them because I am so ungrounded so I pass non optimal chances. - Because I dont understand my own value, I often dont think a person would actually want to help me - I get side tracked chasing pussy. Also my authentic self might be vulnerable by nature. With adhd I often do dumb shit, so I have to take backlash regularely. And I am likely just sensitive and helpful by nature which is easily exploitable. // Interestingly summarizing this feels very hard for some reason as it seems I am fighting with my unconscious which wants to stay alive with unconscious pattern. Shows me that I am working in the right direction.

Wow, I can post again. I guess a Mod or Leo helped with that.. Well Thanks!

Never would have thought that it would take so long to read through the entire journal and I only quoted the most important things here, I didnt even make sense of them yet. _______ For some reason I cant make new posts in this journal anymore. Maybe the fact that I quoted so much blocked the mechanism of making another post. Oh this is not just blocked from this journal but in gerneral I cant make new posts or start a new thread. That is shitty. Wanted to write a PM to ask for help and it said I reached my posting limit, I should wait 24 hours. No problem I will post tomorrow then. I can at least work with this post editing it again and again.