Jannes

Wow the posts are 8 hours apart. I really do spent a lot of time at my social spots.

I didn't feel good at my social spot at all today. It reflected even at my table tennis performance, I played a lot worse. I think its all just because of the girl, I underestimate routinely how much I actually want/ need a girlfriend. I ended up knitting for most of the time. Another girl I previously kinda rejected even looked so much more interesting then before. She was showing some skin with her top. She is super skinny (not unhealthily so) and somehow this was the first evening I found that attractive. But hard to paddle back to her. Then later she actually showed up. Quick hello in a turn and no hug. The language seemed pretty clear. But then we played some board games in the group again. Another female friend of mine was randomly at the spot also and we shared a quick conversation. She does look good and it gave me a short boost. Bad in this context perhaps though. .. What I find interesting, people around me are often hugging, not hugging people around them depending on what the situation asks for. I feel very bound to the rules but when I see it with other people, I don't really care. I don't mind if they change the rules. I have more freedom in that respect then I allow myself. I think the most important thing is that it is genuine. Rather a genuine fist bump then a half hearted hug.

Yesterday I was looking forward to socialize the whole day but then an hour before I got pretty scared. Its similiar right now, I was hyped to go out and now I am pretty scared again.

Game is though to learn .. have you ever talked to girls?

Ahaha, maybe a handful.

Its getting much warmer outside, spring is coming. And with it emotional spring awakening. I am not sure if I am ready for those emotions.

But I didnt listen to news in the morning and that kind of changed everything. I was listening to news for about 30 mins before and now none of that. I have also pretty much zero interest to do it afterwards. Its kind of good, as it puts me into a state of more peace but also bad because I think it was a good thing, that I listened and understood news more. Maybe I can kind of make an evening routine.

Still figuring that out, I just thought the date would be very important for something. It definitely helps as a self reflection of what type of people are on the forum and are into consciousness work.

If you have ND please share what you have as well. I have ADHD myself. edit: Gpt 5.2 🧠 A Quick Summary Dyslexia – ~5–10 % ADHD – ~5 % globally Autism – ~1–2 % Dyspraxia – ~5–6 % Dyscalculia – ~3–6 % Tic disorders (e.g., Tourette) – <1 % Combined neurodivergence – ~15–20 % overall With self reports it can be a good chunk more.

Well, I am just hungry in the morning, so RV first doesnt seem like a good idea. Or I could train myself to do it first. .. I was still pretty emotionally invested from yesterday, so I couldnt fully relax into the session but it went better then expected. I am just much more conscious and in the moment I notice. Its not as painful to not be distracted anymore. Although I still have a long way to go.

I realized today just how top notch my mental clarity is. It was so mudded from Video games YouTube etc. and now there is basically none of it because I consume pretty much none of it. This was a dream back in the day and now it is reality. So I can socialize better .. it's always better in fantasy but yeah socializing feels much better then watching YouTube the whole day. And I am probably just at the beginning, this can get much better.

So I tried to catch that girl I kinda flirted with last time. At first she ran past me which was kind of an ignoring sign, kind of because I never initiated hugs at the beginning. So later outside I go for a hug anyway. Later I saw her sitting by herself, I walk in her direction and her view goes from up to down which felt like a pretty intentional sign so I go past her. My senses are very active. She talks with guy friends pretty much the whole evening and leaves without anything. It kinda makes sense. Well it's hard to imagine what she is going through when it was pretty obvious that she had interest to hookup and I didnt take the chance. Kinda difficult to find a transition. On the other hand she may have talked with people from the old theatre club. If they talked shit about me my blood will boil. It's already boiling just from conceiving the possibility. It's probably nothing but still.

My RV trainer is active on Youtube again after a 2 year break. I watched a video on how to prepare for RV. Clearing ones mind is important. I will try to do it first thing in the morning before listening to news.

I notice that RV is more enjoyable. I have less emotionally loaded thoughts distracting me. WAY LESS when I think about how I started, holy shit.

Completly failed my first two RV exercises today but nailed the last one. Guess I locked in on that one even though it didnt really feel like I did.

The point about only being able to be truly good once you have seen the absolute good is really interesting. I remember having mystical experiences as a kid so maybe I got a base of grounding through that.

Was watching this in the evening. I have got mixed feelings about it.

I put my Laptop blocker earlier but it didnt really help in falling asleep significantly earlier. Stood up at 10 because I felt like this was supposed to be my time to stand up now but I am pretty sleepy.

I was dreaming/ half dreaming that I was in my room and heard my sister run around the floor playing. I said to myself „that can't be fight" so the voice disappeared. Then I admitted, „well what if it is true” and so I opened my mind to that possibility and so I heard her voice again.

I "let myself go" a little bit and regularely buy brown lentil soup and baked beans. The ingredients list is minimal. The flavour and convenience is so much better though. Put half the lentil Soup in a glass bowl, smash an egg in it, microwave for 5 minutes and you have a solid meal. Ofc cooking it fresh would be better but I know I wouldnt do it as often then. Is it a big deal? How well regulated are cans nowadays?

I am kind of empty and open for love. Interesting.

AH! Just want to bump this up because it doesnt get bumped up if someone simply votes. The results seem pretty interesting, but I would like to see more votes.

And neurodivergence is also very important to consider

Being in the library doesnt solve my problem fundamentally. I still have a hard time working through my emotions and I am not really productive. Although inner progress isnt always that easy to detect right away.

I am now at the library of my university. I got a lot better when I had a place to work through my emotions on Discord and this may be even better. I think the whole social dynamic, especially with that girl with whom I missed the chance kind of works through me. Especially because it is likely that she is now aware of the story of my old theatre club, so this continues the plot which I dont want - but I am attatched to it.