Jannes

One time I was pretty honest that I wanted something intimate with somebody. Well I didnt say anything explicit but this was kind of in the air for a lot of time so just vaguely implying it was enough. She implied that it was super fine with it but also wrote that I should keep my zealousy in check, it was kind of dirty talk for her and and she also created this kind of constellation that she wasnin demand. I was immediately tired of these social games, I really wasnt all that hyped about it, I just wanted something intimate and likely afterwards a nice vibe would have happened but I didnt want to invest anything. I also thought that she would probably play all kinds of games with me. So I didnt play along. It seems that she got pissed at me and nothing came out of it. I hate pretending though, but it was probably a very small investment in the landscape of social games.

But there are tons of opportunities which I could just take. For most of them I have ethical concern, or the people would just bore me, but not all. There are a few where I just have a hard time accepting that they might want something from me. So part of it seems to be a personal process of self love, because in a social context love confidence is often given but the person also needs to be able to accept it. I feel like all of these social games are just a puzzle where nothing is added or substracted and yet there is the right or at least better combinations.

Going for a walk outside is so incredibly beneficial for me, I can process so so much. This situation really got me thinking. The thing is, nobody is giving you love for free, the people who got good at socializing didnt get there for free either. I cant really expect to show up, offer nothing and then get love. If I do that then these kind of deals happen. -- Maybe But also things need to happen spontaniously. I just ne // I am noticing that I have a hard time writing this down as this is not a pattern I already thought through. From now on every time this happens I am making a note in red, as I think this is getting to the core. .. On the other hand when I tryhard I dont really get there either, I need to be authentic. Like I just need to wait for things to arise spontaneously. I was thinking that maybe social people are just always selling themselves but the other truth is kind of hard to ignore. Maybe there are moreso in a trance that both things are correct. I feel like I am hugging the wall of my imprisoned mind, cant see beyond it and my thinking is clouded.

I have got this Leopard print fanny pack and I cant stand it. I knew I would use it for festivals and clubs most of the times and I found it stylish but really I was just following the trend and it feels so cringe now.

I could recall some of my dreams last night. What was interesting that they were all about something else then me. They were about family members I tried to understand and connect better and projects I am interested in. Its very interesting that it was so noticable that it was all about something else then me, maybe I was too much in my ego the last days, but I really have no idea.

Yeah... said it somewhere on the forum. One or the main reason why he doesnt touch psychedelics anymore.

Yeah, well the psychedelics even caused brain damage in combination with the illnesses he had already. Maybe idk. It seems like a physical thing though but maybe you can be less attatched to your body. But thats so out there I would look for practical ways first. Of course its important.

What is interesting is that the club on thursday opened up some kind of energy which rushed through me and didnt stop. It got me into this other club and even today I still felt part of this rush. I think its because it is such a hyper leftist club. And deep down I really feel at home there, even though emotionally I havent yet arrived there. I just remembered how in my old theatre club I started to integrate more feminine parts of myself and how authentic that felt. I kind of put that on ice for a while after leaving the theatre club and being on my own. But with this club on thursday it seems that has awoken something in me again. I cant quite make it out but there is something really big there. Yeah there is something..

It was also pretty humbling to get into this club again and experience my limitations. I felt like I lost quite a lot of balls. I think I did zero approaches the whole night, just waiting to built my state which didnt happen. Not sure how I would have gotten if I did some any approaches.

Pretty shitty night. I realized that the key for me is to get into a social state, without it I never get anything done. Even all the approaches dont really built up my social state, I particularly have to look for connection. So I hoped I could do a bit of that with my friend there, but we never really connected, mainly because I think he is shallow as hell. He does know half the club though so I thought by just going along I may find somebody. But not really. We were at the dance floor and actually two of the girls of his group came kind of close, it wasnt just accidental I think. But this whole physical escalation is still pretty much a blindspot for me and I dont think I can solve it alone. Its no eye contact (my absolute strength), no interesting talk (my second strength), just high stakes physical contact which I am also just very very unfamiliar with from lack of socializing. We met a fortune teller interestingly. Appearently for the present I have roughest card, basically I am burning down everything and built things up from scratch. In the past I were struggling and in the future I will find my way. I should also not give up on things that easily. Something like that. Sounded pretty vanilla althought the middle card not completly and I got pretty absorbed into it. My thought process was that I dont need a premade explanation if this is false or not, but this resulted in me maybe taking it a bit to seriously. The mind craves these simple explanations so when you let loose on intellectual discipline for just a bit the mind can wonder off. Interesting this fortune teller asked me if I actually like my friend or if I just go with him because I have nobody else. Holy shit. She was very well socially calibrated, so that was not a mistake from her. It was one of the few instances where I directly lied and I hated it. The group of my friend had a pretty interesting dude who kind of ran the show. He gave me a bit of King Julian from Madagaskar vibes, crazy energy and confidence. So I was happy to be in a group with him. He did too big of a dose of keta though and needed support and got a bit physical. He was also gay. I didnt know how rough of a time he had so I gave him a bit of leeway but it was a bit weird. He got back on his feet with some speed though. At the end of the night I sayed goodbye to him and we hugged, he gave me a kiss on the cheek which was all sweet and then he went for a kiss on the mouth which I dodged and then he went a second time "but you have to" and I accepted a little kiss even though it didnt feel good which I noticed immediately. In that moment I interpreted "but you have to" as moreso I need to be a bit more loose and that it wasnt anything personal. Before that he told me that I was a little shy and that next time I would be more confident around him, really motivating me. So he threw tons of value at my face and really what that was was kind of a deal. After some distance this felt really awful though. But its nice to also experience this from time to time so you can relate better to girls who experience things like that all the time.

Notes from yesterday: Following the observation that I am kinda over that meat based thing I made the logical decision to ask a friend of mine if he is at my main sexy club today. The moment I wrote the message I noticed how I hoped that he wouldn't have time but he immediately answered that he is going, so there is no way of avoiding this now. I think it's both true that I need some recovery but also that I am set up a bit better then usual from socializing the previous days and experience brings me forward. Luckily I got a two and a half of hour train ride in front of me, so I can relax a bit. I am wearing these elegant shoes. They make me look way better but they aren't comfortable to wear at all. And I also don't really feel authentic in them, partially because wearing them despite discomfort kind of implies that I value showing off over comfort. But also just discomfort just isn't cool lolz. I have got stomach aches from going today and I don't think it's really the positive ones like you get before a public performance for example, more the ones that you feel when you have inner conflict. I really only need to stay 4 hours though, then I can take the first train home, so it's not a big deal. ___ Holy crap I forgot about my nails!! They are somewhat acceptable but not the optimum for this kind of adventure, Noooo. I don't think any store is open anymore which sells nail-arrows. I kind of thought about all the other things I could do as well instead. But if I lost my commitment to my current club then I wouldn't have these ideas. Fascinating, like a picture that only comes to full effect with a certain background. I really have beautiful shoes on. There are more elegant then sexy though. With a blue belt I could really create an outfit for special occasions.

Woah, great art in this music video.

Nah, what do you expect from enlightenment? Hopefully not lol. Yeah I indeed remember some advocates here.

Interestingly though IF that is something I experience over and over again, then I cant really judge my old club in particular. Thats huge.

The female rebel gives me more of an itch then the male rebel I feel.

Luckily for my adhd appointment I didnt need to be all that sharp, it was just questions I needed to answer from childhood memory. Next time they want to do one more extensive test. I am kind of scared they do an iq test and I deliberately didnt ask. I have no idea if I would be good at it or not, but there were so so many situations in my life where I wasnt attentive to what was happening so I did stupid shit which resulted in failure which got me to confront myself with the question if I am super dumb or retarded on a deeper level. I cant fully grasp what the fear really is, its a mix of fearing that it was true all along, or maybe I also wish I was actually super intelligent and fear that this wish wont match reality.. Intelligence and iq plays as the most accepted measurement of that in society plays such a big role in how we rate our self worth and so on. I know people who built their whole identity out of having a high iq. On the other hand maybe its good to face my fear anyway. Or maybe also not because as soon as I know I might compare myself. Its like making an ethnicity test, its hard to be racist if you dont even really know what your roots are I feel.

It blows my mind how I wrote so many sentences. I am pretty tired, but I especially notice how much less functional my mind is. I got like 3 hours of sleep and a nap with some coffeine to boost me up. I hope its just the lack of recovery which makes my mind less functional and not socializing in itself which creates all this fuzz. Remote viewing can be hard in this state, I also skipped it yesterday.

What was interesting though how I saw a guy making out with a girl as a hookup yesterday. At first sight I was kind of jealous but I found it interesting to observe it from the outside. They talked, got a bit intimate, played some table tennis, kissed a bit, he rubbed his dick through his pants on her pants a bit and so on. And I was like, I am not really jealous, its just meaty without spark. I dont think this would really give me much of a dopamine spike. I think I need to experience a bit more of that myself though to get over it. I am set up perfectly in a sense. I can really get a sense of abundance, fullfill my fantasies and come down from it maybe realizing that it ultimately doesnt fullfill me. But thats a maybe, I will go in there without bias and find out whats true for me. Thats the ideal scenario. I get the sense that what I am really starving for is a deep connection with a monogamous partner, but the only way to really find out is with actual experiences. Sex is such a deep driver in our minds that wise stories wont fully convince the mind I think.

This isnt new to me at all. But after so much experience I can grasp the pattern much more clearly which brings me into a position where I can better decide what to do about it. I often felt guilty for these instances but this wasnt a good strategy. I didnt take opportunites yes, but nobody was ever really happy with that. Importantly I also wasnt happy with that because well I left empty handed in these exchanges. And with an empty stomach the next and next situation just happened. If I was just selfish from the very start I probably would have done way less damage because everyone expects you to be selfish. But I still want there to be a more true way. I also couldnt believe how I did it. But it does make sense with my new social experiences. I never try to force anything, everything I do is just spontanious and somehow I connect to people in this way and find success. It doesnt feel like doing anything, but thats exactly what you want, you want people to be authentic and not tryhard. -> that I dont tryhard doesnt mean I am less effective I also believed that a relationship is some kind of spiritual connection but its just ape shit. So of course these light but effective shots which I make unintentional can stirr up a shaky relationship. -> many relationships are shaky ape shit

I seem to repeat some of the same dynamics as in my old club though. Just in the way I socialize and look for connection I sometimes start things which I dont fully consciously intend to. In the other social spot I met a girl that somehow knew me from acting and because she is in a small acting group herself was interested to recruit me and gernerally to struck up a conversations. Shortly into the conversation her bf came around, being intimate with her in front of me to give me a sign. I just stayed unshaken with a calm poker face, she stayed unshaken and unirretated and he stayed there in the same way. It was a really weird standoff. Wedneyday I saw her again and we talked a bit. It was cool and all. Then yesterday I saw her again and she avoided eye contact a bit at first and I maybe should have taken that as a clear sign. She still greeted me though. Then a little later I was out of the table tennis round and sat by myself a bit lonely and she also got out and happened to cross my path. I looked at her, suggesting I would enjoy her company. She sat next to me and will her eyes she seemed a bit all over the place and also searching a bit, I could quite grasp what that was. We had a bit of smalltalk and she said that as a project she wanted to do an interview about my old club and if I wanted to make an interview with her. I kindly told her that other people who are more up to date with the club and the newest plays would be a better match. And at some point she left the table tennis circle because she was kicked out I think (failed to play the ball) and went to her bf, I dont know was there. A guy there kind of made an eye gesture, suggesting that something got kind of stirred up. Thats just one example of where I get into situations somehow and if I dont navigate them perfectly kind of end up as an asshole. This was just breathing for me..

I just reflected back on how spoiled I am with this social spot every thursday. Its a leftist club with lots of young girls, table tennis for something to do, charme, a ton of subcultures, crazy outfits .. basically a place where your liberal leftist lives and breathes. And I still have a ton of opportunities, being 26 is not a problem at all, but when you dont expose yourself and just live in your head, that can get to you. I even felt a bit of an interest to go out today again, this place is truly special and I feel like I can really open up. It also makes me a bit emotionally fuzzy though.

They ain't stopping

It was nice. As always I was scared to go but this time I became conscious that every time I go I am scared and it pretty much always turns out okay. So in a sense I got more comfortable with my fear. I was very chill today, sometimes just observing but also with quite a bit of talk. I really just want to be authentic. In a sense I stay in a place of not knowing, not knowing what my next impulse will be and when I commit to that sometimes I am silent but oftentimes spontanious things just arise and I follow the impulse. I also for the first time left earlier then the club closed. This is actually an archievement for me, as I never knew how to say goodbye to other people so I just stayed. I noticed how much more emotionally stable I was compared to a few months before.

Edibles is just weed baked into food. Sounds like a mature path.