Jannes

Today is a big celebration at my old theatre club. I am ringing with myself again if I should go or not. There is so much in the air, without any talk to ground it which sucks. And I also dont know who comes. So much lost love.

So I asked her how her weekend was and not directly when we wanted to talk to give her the chance to ask. So she replied and offered to talk on wednesday at a spot. Then 3 hours later she wrote that she forgot she had karaoke with a friend but maybe we find time. I guessed that she wanted to avoid the talk and said that its no problem, we can talk another time I would be at another spot then. So today I saw her again, greeted her and she made it really obvious that she didnt want to see me. She stood up very slowly and was very unenthusiastic in her voice and immediately sat back down without talking or giving me any attention. It was so weird. I was a bit hurt and seemed to seem sad on the surface. So later she said that I looked said and if I wanted to talk but suggested that I maybe wouldnt want to, doing a complete switcheroo. That was a very short interaction and then she left at some point without saying goodbye. So nothing was ever talked about.

With medication and the ability to basically have some power, many things dont seem so drastic anymore because I can deal with them and maybe I also do more, not sure. Welp and probably because I set boundaries automatically shit doesnt even happen to me.

I notice however that I am always in these survival games looking who might be interested and who is not. That really drains me and doesnt make me happy.

I feel really good. Life really doesnt feel like constant suffering when you have friends you see when you go out, games and all of that.

Socializing went super well today. I even got back into playing good table tennis and I also had more control in what I was doing. I could connect with people I previously struggled with because holding the connection felt overwhelming. I didnt have quite the same crazy energy as usual but I felt really good. At the very end some struggles I had before actually came back where I didnt know whom to say goodbye and at which point so I stood there for some time.

What is problematic is that after years of not getting shit done I am trying to learn something mysterious which made even be a scam and it will take months to even see result. It may be of benefit to learn knitting on the side as well because that could give me a small victory, motivation and a sense getting things done.

Its important to built a bond with the teacher it says in the book .. Well its not like he is a wrong person or anything but I struggle to get onto the same wave frequency as him, the chemistry seems to be organically a bit off. Stefan Franke would have been better perhaps but so much more expensive. Welp the chemistry can still improve with him.

Second RV session for today. It didnt go well judging from the result. I thought I finally got it at some points and I was exactly dead wrong in these moments. My remote viewing training said that it is normal to have a massive dip in performance after the first session and it takes months to get good. Well I never even had a peak really. Well maybe 5 years back with Stefan Franke was probably my strongest performance. I would like to test how chatgpt would stack up to see if the few things I got right would match the average luck one would statistically get with zero skills and just guessing.

I am weirdly closely in touch with myself right now.

Did my first RV session with my new protocol. Got almost everything wrong and it wasnt that fun. Just a sober analysis. Good that medication helps with stamina.

The way how my adhd-self, and my medicated adhd-self are in contact is through truth. Because I cared about truth without medication, I understood all the dynamics happening which are now just proven and made more clearly through direct experience.

Whats painful is that I think I deeply value deep connections/ relationships and I pissed away a decade of opportunities. That may just be too painful to look at. Welp its not like I didnt put in effort. Some of my most beautiful experiences actually came from opening up and supporting other people. Like with my ex f+ whom I supported when she had a pick up or another girl who I visited at a theatre show. Being there for other people might be something deeply important to me. But when I am taken advantage of so often, that value has no way of manifesting healthily.

@meta_male Do you still have social circles?

She says she forgot karaoke with a friend beforehand but maybe has time despite it.. Well I think she is uncomfortable with a talk so I slithered out of the situation tomorrow. This situation never should have happened in a way, because either I would be to sensitive to even bring up a serious talk (pre medication) , or I would be stable enough so such a misunderstanding wouldnt have happened. I am not even sure if she was looking for something serious or just a short romance but I feel like she expected to be more in charge of it all. Or maybe she fears rejection from my end. Its just sad that there was so much energy in the room which never manifested itself in any way. I do have some kind of emotional attatchment to her, I am definitely not unbothered with how this is going.. If I do built romantic interest however I have the chance to show it.

So much for that plan. She wrote me, telling me openly that she didnt feel good on the weekend and asked if we wanted to go for a walk. Cant really dodge that now. I kind of feel like I am obligated to go which is the wrong attitude all together as that could make it shitty. But really after there was so much in the air, I feel like its important to ground it.

Had my first introduction session for my Remote Viewing training today. Went okay-ish. My trainer said my concentration/ focus is fine, however I take to much time when I describe the essence that I view so that my mind takes over. Which is true, I struggle to articulate the essence I view through my intuition. He said however that this is a natural process, that the mind needs to learn to take the intuition as soon as it comes. Will have 30 sessions of training on my own until the next training session comes. It feels good to have something to work towards, finding my own motivation would be hard.

I feel like almost everything I built without medication socially is bullshit. I kind of need to start from the buttom. Which is no problem though with my new skills. However when I dont take my medication anymore maybe the exact same thing will happen, that I feel that everything I built then was bullshit. I am still at a low dose though, so it shouldnt be that drastic. WAIT, its already pretty drastic..

I wrote the wpmi-girl yesterday evening how her weekend was going (setting up to ask for a walk which she offered last time) However shortly after she didnt reply I noticed that I kind of hoped that she wouldnt reply because I wouldnt really know what to say at the walk. I am not that emotionally invested into her, its just that I kind of already acted like and hold space for something special and this variable needs to be grounded with reality. There is potential to form this into some other thing, I just dont like this variable. But also I feel like I am responsible here. If she would just not respond, then this variable would at least manifest itself and I would have a clear direction.

Went for a little night walk outside. I dont even know what I am doing flirting with everyone. I am just interested in a relationship with one girl. I dont even care about sex really, so there is like no reason why I would chase that.

Goddammit, I just managed to get a new trainings partner girl. I wanted to get clear with the wpmi-girl first though.

Because I just realize how much more I am able to manipulate.

When I dont have dopamine in my system to bullshit, also raw truth remains ( ? ).