Jannes

Atm: 1) Writing my journal in the journals section. 2) Reading some smart stuff here sometimes 3) Connecting with other people who are on an unusual path with unusual values

An old friend of mine contacted me completly out of the blue. Maybe it seemed deperate that I went back to my old theatre club and that spread somehow!? It was kind of badass to just leave without a word -- DONT TAKE MY BADASSNESS AWAY, NOOO!! I am really looking for signs everywhere that this was a bad move. I think it was the mature thing though.

With introversion and extroversion its interesting. I feel like I actually made a bit of a leap, I was with so many people the last couple of days that a switch changed. I feel more comfortable being extroverted and socializing right now and I feel like I could even get energy from that.

I am going back and forth internally with my old theatre club. Its just such an emotionally charged cocktail. I am getting a bit calmer though finally.

A beautiful thing about life can be to find something that is right for a few years, months, weeks, hours, forgetting about the bigger context. And when that thing comes to an end beginning a completly new path which you couldnt have inticipated before. This is dreaming well. I like my social spots atm, no idea where this is going but it feels like the right thing at the moment.

I just want it right again, meaning I want to get back into my more powerful position. Maybe if I throw I stone at their window I will be at peace again lolz.

Now I am feeling bad that I went. Like really bad. I stood up for myself, it felt good and now I softened up and got shit for it. Well I am not forced to connect to the old theatre club anymore then this and if I didnt go, I never would have known what its like to get back.

So I fucking went back.. It was great that I had this workout session before as it got me into a social mood and all that. I got there with a bike and with no registration, so I made a surprise. I made multiple breaks along the way though, switches between impulses of strong negative emotions who wanted to protect me and impulses of strong positive emotions as well. The closer I got the stronger the negative emotions became in particular. At the last break I came to the insight that if I dont go, I will never know how it feels like to come back. For the experiment! So I got there and interistingly the leader of the club was the first person I saw. He was a bit surprised but warm and welcoming. I took my seat. I moved very calm and slow. The show had a few funny moments, as usual. A LOT came up. I really felt out of place for most of the play, like I just wanted to vanish and it felt like a mistake. Even though it was a childs play, the end got super serious all of the sudden and really deep. So that took me by surprise and captured me. At the end there was the usual speech, followed with honoring a few people in the play who did some special. Usually this is also the opportunity to tell the audience when a member of the club left if that person is there. I didnt get that. I spoke to the member who are part of the play. They were all very surprised but super nice and welcoming to me as if nothing ever happened. Super wholesome. Only one person I kind of had mixed feelings about was there. One person I particularily had good feelings about was a bit more distant. I payed for the play which was donation based. I think the leader of the club didnt expect anything and just made the remark "cute". It was a big elephant in the room that he didnt mention me or made me honorary member (which I would have qualified for). When I rode my bike home I felt like I reconnected to a part of my soul. I got so so tired all of the sudden though, like there is so much to process. I got super screwed over, but I dont have the energy to process this right now. Its super interesting though that there is processing happening in the background at all though. Like WHAT?! There is THIS which I am aware of and yet my current experience is somehow managed by some deeper force which I am not conscious of, WHAT THE HELL!! I dont know if it was a good choice or not, I think it was.

Its already in the afternoon, a guy wants to go to the gym with me in less then an hour and then I could maybe go to the theatre play afterwards, I need like a day of emotional recovery first though.

I am thinking hard again if I want to go to a play of my old theatre club today or not. It would be the last chance for a pretty big play. It feels like the right thing to do, but emotionally I am not sure if I am ready yet.

Yesterday was pretty overwhelming, its insane how much can be packed into such a small time window. Well at least it felt that way. It was the same with my old theatre club as well.

I am shocked even more by this today, wtf. It feels like I broke a deal. Well in a sense I did.

Also like half the club there has adhd appearently, its insane. No idea how all these people found together.

I said to myself over and over again, hard choices easy life, easy choices hard life. But conflict is so hard for me. and I am not saying 'I dont want to hurt anybody' , why? good question, I just noticed that I unconsciously banned myself from using that sentence.

I came a bit late to my social spot today which is a bummer, because its the best social spot I could think of. So much happened today, its hard to put it all together.. So the first and probably biggest thing was that I kind of built a connection with a girl which was at the other social spot as well and now is also at this social spot. She was kind of the best pick there and I wrote about it before. I saw her quite often, had a bit of small talk but was also kind of akward at some point. I didnt realize that beneath it all we kind of built something up, like a bit of a codependence, but it felt a bit forced. Suddenly I couldnt stand her. I remembered vaguely that a similiar dynamic like this occured before and it ended with the energy getting lower and lower. So I kind of wanted distance and I mixed things up, first I didnt directly talk to her, then I sat next to her, then I didnt sit next to her again. The last time was a clear signal, I had the choice, she was just chatting with somebody but it wasnt much of a reason not to sit next to her, or would I sit next to another friend of mine. I sat next to a friend of mine and that dumbass just doze away, making it super obvious. At this point she left, it could have been me or not. This felt emotionally very strong. A lot of fear and what the f am I doing came up. I just willingly threw that opportunity away to choose a more confident and authentic part, but could I even pull that off.. maybe I could have choosen a more subtle way and so on. All this rained down on me but I noticed how I became more confident at some point. But initially it felt a bit weakening as its not like other people play with the same moral compass. We are all crocs fighting each other. "You didnt kill? - okay that makes you weaker, I will eat you next!" I also just fell bad for her, what a not nice thing to do from me. But it was true, better this way now then another way. But I had a rough time myself digesting it, that this is about survival was very obvious. ____ Then later a friend of mine came around who I had the number from. She didnt reply so the vibe was a bit off. She told me about it and apologized that she didnt reply. She said that she didnt know what she wanted which she told me before but that it wasnt cool of her that she didnt reply at all and so on. She has a lot of male friends which feels not so cool. We had a very interesting dynamic though, whenever I was in the final she often showed emotional donation to me with strong eye contact. First I thought nothing of it and just enjoyed it. Then I thought, well maybe because she is so extroverted, she may find me interesting when I am in a position with high social status and was kind of put of by it but then another situation came about where I had a good connection with another girl and in this moment she gave me the exact same signs. So I thought maybe she just had a social insight that it is about celebrating each others wins and not being jealous which would fit into the poly context where its often about supporting each others growth. We also had an interesting moment where a guy was dozing off a bit, its more situation comedy but only accessed with subtle awareness. And I cherished that and she burst out laughing. So we may have a bit of a connection there. All in all it was a also a bit difficult though because I didnt know what our situation really was. ____ At some point a girl talked to me who painted there before. It was a nice talk, she was good looking as well. I think she kind of observed the whole dynamic. When the club closed she asked me if I have social media and when I replied that I dont she asked me for my number. I gave her my number and was kind of overtaxed, not knowing what the next step would be. As people step by step left the club I wondered if I should do any small talk, give her a hug, .. whatever but I couldnt come up with anything. Then a friend of mine was just there with his cigarette thing so I asked him if he wants to go outside so I had any excuse to go outside and as soon as he did I said goodbye to the club and her explicitly as well. Acceptable. From that point of complete pampering if I am honest I thought about the situation of my old theatre club in a new light and really, a person who wasnt super hurt wouldnt leave the way I did. And I thought if it was really the club or my past demons.. Interestingly I got a lot more into a social mood then ever before I think and I feel I am nowhere near where I could be. There are more details to cover I think but thats the most important.

The end of this clip really brings my bias for normality, limit and what not alive.. When the time is set back from before humans roamed the earth and the earth was just part of this galactic spectical it turns my my stomach around that the universe has no human bias.

Crazy that I wasnt aware of that, I went there for pick up frequently and obviously everyone did drugs all the time but I didnt know you could get the drugs easily. I wonder if its safer then ordering online in terms of tracking, then it would be a small benefit. Psylocibin truffles and lsd derivatives are easy to get online in germany anyway. I wonder if you get things like 5meo-malt from them -- IS THIS AGAIN FORUM GUIDELINES THEN PLEASE DELETE (No sourcing allowed) !?

I feel kind of empty. I was socializing like 4 hours yesterday. Didnt get much sleep, went to the doctor and then was out again shopping. Not enough time for myself. But it makes me wonder what really fullfills me. Self optimizations aint it. I think I really want some kind of relationship. Thats just natural for me. Everyone has differents strenghts and I feel like I am just the type of guy who is great in a relationship.

I miss my 5XL Jeans which I was wearing with a belt some time ago. I was super overdoing it for fun but wearing that thing was so cool, you had so much air at the legs, the pockets were super deep and like open because the jeans didnt squeeze on your body. I put it away because it was getting ridiculous but now I want it back.

After my visit at the psychologist for the adhd diagnosis I went for a walk in that area. I wrote for my diary and then I found a kik which is a super cheap clothing shop. I was there for like 3 hours, making all kind of experiments and bought two beige trousers for 23 Euros in total. This is ridiculiously cheap and obviously involves cheap labor somewhere in the chain. The experiments I made were very interesting though. It seems green trousers dont match with my style. I overrated beige in my mind, its still okay though. Dark Jeans look very good which I didnt really want to accept, because they look conformist as heck. Interestingly I was already on the right track with my black Jeans, I just need more colorful shoes and tops so it becomes more interesting. And a black Jeans with a bit more pop maybe.. , well I already got a womens baggy Jeans, so I was really searching. Next step would be tailor made clothes.

Socializing went well yesterday at my social spot. It's interesting to me right now that I even mention it explicitly like a routine, that I wasn't full of fear or that awkward things happened. Which just shows how far I have come. And a deeper sense of confidence is slowly built up I notice. I thought that I would get my diagnosis today but I will only get it next week. No iq test as well, so I dont even need to face my fears it seems. ---- My feelings about my old club really work through me. I am swinging back and forth. I mean you break up with someone best by leaving for good and by breaking up all contact. It's kind of the same with the old club, I know if I go there, chat with a few people, maybe go out to someone I am emotionally involved in all of it again. I am scared of that overwhelming me. The decision to leave was already so hard and I feel so much better now. Haha I said in the adhd diagnosis test that I wouldn't be scared of overwhelm, but to a certain extend I am. Tomorrow and Saturday are the latest shows of a big play they have where the whole club is involved, so it would be the perfect chance but also another sign of myself if I don't go. ---- I had two people yesterday telling me quite personal stories. Both of them shared personal things with me before though and it's not like I am the only one who knows this. I also got like two opportunities for socializing yesterday. It's all a little much actually. ... I don't even really know what I want in a social context! It's obvious that I am really really selective. A variable about how I feel about socializing is also my development. If I feel like an outsider inside with little confidence socializing feels very different then when I am confident.. I didn't had a good connection with my ex F+, but I really enjoyed the dynamic of just having one or a few people to stay in touch with. Yeah that's what it is I think, a few people I really flourish around.. ---- I just don't think that with everything I said things will fundamentally be different in my old club.. maybe.

Wow, I didnt know. Only LSD or other psychedelics as well? Did he say the street the store was in?

@theleelajoker Your body builts up tolerance. It depends on the dose but I usually took two weeks off after a trip. The higher the dose the longer you have to wait to trip again. For microdosing you need at least 1 day of recovery. When I did it every second day I noticed that the effects became weaker so maybe 2 days of recovery would be optimal.

Maybe I should just start my day with body doubling. As always I got something done with body doubling.

There is a bit of a weird connection with one girl of the old club going on. I got little signs of interest which turned into signs of letting go. There is a huge emotional backstory and so with that good reason for why I feel conflicted about it. But this just made me so emotional today and I thought I was over it. There are just different levels of emotions, today I stood at my own wall in the room to listen to music.. I dont even understand whats going on. Thats one part of my old club, completly uncapable to process these strong emotions and finding no one to help and emotionally bleeding out.