Jannes

My father came out about half a year ago, admitting to himself that he isnt super bright. He was always playing the game of pretending to be much smarter then most people because of his mathematical skills, which he is indeed better then most people in. He put math and logical thinking on a pedastol and anything which didnt fit a simple logical structure he put at something less, so all soft sciences, intuition, what have you.. it was a huge thing for him because he had huge low self worth complexes from childhood and his dad, one of the main reasons for the complexes was great in linguistic skills but bad in logical reasoning so that edge was his way out. The ingorance towards crediting any other field with intelligence which wasnt pure logic annoyed me a lot though and I pushed back against it for probably a decade now. I was pretty shocked when at a walk half a week ago he casually dropped that he doesnt that he is that bright. He is a pensioner now so I guess a lot of survival pressure dropped. I dont think he was even conscious what a big thing he just admitted in that moment but it was a huge. And basically all that net of pretending to be smarter because of math fell off like it never existed. Today he happily joked about that he likes it when the riddle games he plays dont have a time limit. That was quite a phenomenon to witness and makes me question where I am not admitting things to myself.

I was into it back in the day but now.. Whats the point of pretending to be charismatic if it doesnt come authentically?

I think I underestimated how much the wpmi-girl lifted me up. Not feeling that good right now.

My parents visited me today. It was really nice actually, we had good talks, went out eating, did some riddles.. At the end my mom showed me some knitting tricks as well. I probably did it on level 3 or something with my right hand and it wasnt hard at all. Its much easier to learn in person.

I am practicing RV again and am already expecting to screw it up now. I spent a lot of money on it but thats always been the pattern. Thats why I am trying to hold onto as much resources as possible. Of course if thats the programming in your mind, you cant ever really fully relax because you know that sooner or later my survival will be threatened because of lack of resources. Made a break during the session again.. its only in these sessions that I become very conscious.

Beautiful. But why does it end with a cliff hanger "Experience is never direct". What the fuck is it then?

Movies seem much more healthy then most Youtube content because they can inspire you so much.

I dont need to knit to be conscious, I could be conscious right this very second. HOWEVER there are survival challenges going on always, so in a way knitting (or other similiar activities) help to channel that survival struggle into a minor/ automatic matter and so with the survival pressure taken off you can allow yourself to open up to whats beyond. At least thats how I imagine it to be. I am constantly thinking of myself knitting in peace. I am just in such a rot that its difficult to get going with things, but I think this is doable.

Just watched the movie Paterson. Its about the week of a poet in New Jersey. He is a chill guy with a healthy relationship and occasionally you hear some poets. Fantastic film. What I found interesting is that in the beginning I found it a little hard to stay conscious because it was so chill, it forced me to process a lot. Generally I realized that there are short time spans in my day where I am actually not resisting reality. Usually at walks or when I am out socializing kind of. All my ideas and inspiration and good feeling come from that. But all the beautiful moments in my life came from moments where I didnt distract myself but was full on conscious. Doesnt matter if its at the laundrette, in nature, ... so whats up with that? Why is it so hard to live that way?

Oh nice. Well I am looking more towards content, I got music on my radio player, but perhaps I pass by sometime.

I never actually watched livestreams. That might be worth checking out. With music I switched to a music station, so I rarely actually play specific songs. This is much healthier. With livestreams it might be the same. Worth trying out.

Had a long walk in the rain. Feel much better now.

I struggle a lot with being conscious and not distracting myself from just being. And I feel like all I am searching for is that, getting myself in a position where I can just stand reality as it is.

I cant fucking concentrate on my RV session at all right now. .. The reason I cant connect with any girl is because basically any girl I met was a fucking WHORE. Basically all of them would cheat. I dont want to connect with such degeneracy but then I am all alone. If someone could just explain the world to me but I feel like I willingly put myself in a stratosphere where no one else would want to go.

I dont know what this is with the mario-kart girl. I see her so often, not sure if I can do something casual then. I also dont know if I can assert myself and say what I want. I dont want her as a relationship partner but I dont know if this matches my chemistry. I am naturally interested in understanding people, being empathic and so forth so that could be problematic if I dont want to deepen the connection..

Yeah .. , very inspiring .. , not unhealthy at all ..

I am really not feeling that good. Not sure if its the wpmi-girl or the old theatre club but I am griefing a bit.

You are so goddamn honest sometimes.. I wonder if empathy is the only thing which keeps your behaviour in check if you throw moral concepts out the window.

The wpmi-girl really had the social dynamics figured out. She had insane support around her. After she turned harsh towards me, she got feminine support all around her, massage, hugs and all that. It seemed like she completly filled up. I dont think I ever witnessed such a strong display before. Damn I am really having a hard time articulating myself, I guess thats from the gaming today.

Didnt go to my old theatre club and I dont know how to feel about it. Played 3 hours of Pkmn Showdown, which I was madly addicted to before -- a usual pattern in avoidance for me. Interestingly afterwards I was so stimulated I was swinging back into wanting to go, but it was a little late then.

You wouldnt see a moral problem with that?

@Majed Good job men! When you wonder why so few people have inner peace, look back at this.

And yesterday I think I had kind of a bad dream, I was running in the area of some train station but it was moreso a walkway. It was really dark, pretty much completly blank. I think I was running because I expected sommeone to chase me. It wasnt literally a bad dream in that I awakened in a shock, but it wasnt really a comfortable dream. Afterwards I needed to pee and seeing myself in the mirror seemed scary -- typical nightmare-ish aftermath.

I had a dream today where I found a shitton of sweets at home in some compartment. I think I am really having difficulties refilling on love.