Jannes

I got so much support from this one girl that it even opened some wounds and helped me to work through them. But even with all that support it left a certain unease in me. It took me some time to articulate it. Its that I dont really understand her agenda. What is she trying to get out of me, you dont just throw love at someone for no reason.. yet I havent really seen a lack of authenticity and she even strongly smiled at me, looking directly in my eyes when I had a little flirt with the artistical girl. I had really good feelings about her before so when someone would pull off a relatively selfless manouver, I could see that from her especially when I went for a hug even though she she didnt text back.. From the people she sourrounds herself with it is likely that she knows a lot of backstory, so she kind of has an idea of who I am, which might make me a worthy investment .. Maybe she wants to be good friends, maybe she wants to date, maybe she wants to integrate me into her poly circle. Thats all fine ofc .. A guy from the social spot who made some attempts at building closeness just changed his whatsapp status so I cant see it which I interpret as a step backwards towards distance. He was opening up and already talked about that I could join him on some music place on some day if I wanted. I enjoyed his company but it was a little fast so I didnt put any signs of interest into it .. Thats exactly what I fear, that if I am too hesitant people are hurt, but also when I put a lot into it that I might burn out or make unwise decision, I dont take social hurt lightly which I know from experience .. Fuck my life.

Would post a picture what I mean but thats obviously not possible right now. Below the text chart, next to the box "Insert other media" on the left the sign with the paperclip doesnt appear after loading. So its not possible to click on it to attatch photos or files. Its also not possible to just drag them in. Has anyone encountered the same problem?

I am on Mac so I cant use shareX. I got Kap instead and creating links work. But when I put them on the forum, they dont create a picture of a gif. file:///private/var/folders/t6/9dv55py52fn59fpglsw7l1bc0000gn/T/d6dee7881c741d2ab952443890788453/Kapture%202025-09-06%20at%2013.09.30.gif

In kindergrden I noticed the pattern that I am scared to enforce myself because I am scared to loose (the last) people if I do. And also that I cant brute force myself through it. When I wanted to raise my fist my whole body got wobbly and I laughed like the Joker, because it was too much.

Yesterday: LOL! I just remember a moment in my life. All my long time ”friends" were together in my room and for some reason they all collectively picked on me. What the fuck. Well one person tried to defend me. It was one guy or his friend. My dad visited me today. We did some work together. We had chill breaks. It was the perfect environement to inhale and emotionally work through some things. You now when somebody wants to believe something and the only way to convince that person is by giving them zero surface to built projection and when you did that successfully they are only left with their own devils. That happened to me. A had a few tears in my eyes, I am so grateful for one of my female friends there. But also there are other people who really wanted to help me. There were more then just a little friendly. But it pales in comparison. But it would feel wrong to not show any gratitude towards them but emotionally I mostly take in the support of this one girl. This could also hurt the other people though. Maybe I am overthinking this .. Driving to my family now. Almost went to the festival but I have stuff so get done. I kind of feel like a freed bird and now instead of flying I am getting right back into the ”cage". Oh well, maybe actually integrating is the best thing right now. The most progress is usually done when it feels hard and it felt relatively easy to join in on the festival so I don't leave much progress on the table hopefully.

https://www.actualized.org/insights/bottled-nightmare file:///private/var/folders/t6/9dv55py52fn59fpglsw7l1bc0000gn/T/d6dee7881c741d2ab952443890788453/Kapture%202025-09-06%20at%2013.09.30.gif

So because of adhd and my personality type and my education I had problems connecting with other kids all my life and was easy picking for bullies. So that shaped my social expactations for all my life. What I am battling now is decades of integrated damage that comes up whenever I want to built a new connection. Have I missed something?

I remember how my high school "bully" once said to me "I am doing everything for you and you arent grateful" or something along these lines. He was very supportive actually. If he was that way to any other person in the class they would have bit and follow along, but he couldnt buy me. Not sure what he wanted from me really. I find it really interesting how and why my mind opens these truths, my survival situation (in this case social success) , really dictates the borders of my mind.

I observe how my mind looks for excuses for why I should let go of the new people I found, but really I cant find any reason. When I imagine switching perspectives, the way you really force someone to confront their demons is when you dont give them any shit at all so their isnt any surface to project their shit on. I am the person who needs to confront their demons now.

Of course coming from that place people will sense that and will be cautious. ... Everything already made a lot of sense but with every discovery it makes even more sense. Really the key for me is to work through my bad experiences socializing. What they are I dont really know as its unconscious material. But I can consciously work through what my unconscious throws at me.

My ex-F+ said the same that I am similiar to her in that bearing closeness is really hard.

I feel like I want distance from everybody. I really built a connection with some people there but the connection feels like I just want to jump out of my skin, its painful in a sense even though everything was perfect.

Looking to invest into a formal training and would like it to be not fake lol. I did quite a lot of research and will do more but maybe I am biased or overlook something so if you have any compelling reasons for why you think remote viewing is real or not please post them here, thanks.

I have a hard time creating emotional space for a lot of people. Thats a bit much right now, even though the progress is incredible.

I wanted to buy some groceries before going to my social spot but when I left the house, I got in a different state fast and decided to go to the spot first and buy groceries tomorrow. Will have to improvise for breakfast. It was pretty fun today. Got nails in different blue colors now and got to know some people better. The one girl went for a hug, sie seems to really want to built a connection. The artist girl didnt come with make up and a completly new outfit, I didnt know even know if this was here but she also didnt pay attention to me immediately which was such a bad situation to be in. Some time in I noticed that I was feeling a bit burnt out from all the socializing, didnt really get to breath at all. The artist girl is so freaking cool, she is on another level. She actually studies philosophy and does art as a hobby. It really is the case that I vibe with girls who are into philosophy and or art. I just dont really know what she wants. I mean she went for my number and is emotionally generous .. my best guess is that she looks for something intimate. Later tonight she sat with us and then got on the couch laying there flat giving me a bit of an eye before looking away. Maybe that are some subtle high level (or not even high level 😂) signs that I am not getting. She wears a short skirt and has a tall figure with super long legs, I never noticed how sexy long legs are. Men I am simping. It kind of motivates me though to get on her level.

I am realy scared to go outside again. Its been a while since I felt so much fear. Not sure what it is, but my guess is that it is because of all the progress I made yesterday which scares my current identity. There are a lot of new connections I built with people, its hard to keep up. Emotionally as well.

Finally got a bright bathroom light installed. This will update my grooming to the next level, many hairs on my neck for example I could never see without strong light, but when I was shopping for example I saw them.

@Schahin I just said in that regard. In the regard of being able to vote for a party which represents your individual voice (somewhat) and that has power. Instead of voting for the lesser evil between democrats and republicans in the US for example. Thats shitty of course. Germany does a lot to stop the afd, people protest and the parties in the Bundestag actively exclude the afd. But what can you do, if giant chunks of the population want the afd then their voice must be represented somehow.

Interestingly with social success outside my old theatre club I am more interested to get back into there which is the opposite of what I expected.

Sure, I would be interested about your progress. If it works for me I will likely post about it in the future or in my journal anyway.

Listened to that today in the social spot. Really like this song.

Yeah its about the raw input, the thinking mind screws up everything. If your drawing matched the actual thing then you already remote viewed correctly. You can however archieve a 75% hit rate (that would include not just drawings though). At this point you can work as a remote viewer.

Yeah I need to make an income, pursuing enlightenment and stuff before getting your survival needs met is a bad idea. No shame in that. Its even a great compromise to get both my survival needs met with this skill and also doing spiritual work as a by-product -- if it works for me that is.

So have you found irl what you drew or how did you get a hit? Yeah thats very true, zero thought is the condition for it to work. I think its interesting how there is a certain parallel between spontanious creativity in art and remote viewing..

Men everytime after a few hours of socializing there is always so much to tell. Okay first, I felt a bit off after visiting my old theatre club again. Because its all about acting there, the behaviour is much different and just coming in touch with that again already stirred up old patterns in me, that I felt off the whole time and getting to the social spot it really catched my attention. I felt a little cringe even, my behaviour was a bit more pretentious and it wasnt even really possible to get to my core. Well all in all I make more out of it then there really was probably but this tendency was present. Second the girl which I somewhat avoided last time at the new social spot because there was more interesting competition and where I had so many bad feelings for I saw again. Well nothing really changed, only that she actually stepped up her game just a little bit to seem more interesting, but it seemed a bit tryhard. Well that it didnt give me any disadvantages doesnt mean its right but still an interesting observation nonetheless. Third the artist girl which asked for my phone number was there as well. Well I texted her the message which I felt I overdid a bit and she came up being like she thought about an answer but then didnt respond and asked questions like how did I come to that answer and so on. She has a lot of confidence to her. And here comes the important part, I actually felt emotions for her. Very surprisingly. I stood there a bit like Obelix in front of Falbala. I was surprised myself about what these feelings even were. I really dont feel genuine love often. It wasnt even strong but that quality at all was a rarity. She was painting again and told me where she was painting. I got there like half an hour later and chilled with other people around her. She probably always naturally has company when painting. She didnt give me much interest at all, I was almost like a stranger. Stood there anyways for a bit, took my chances to make small jokes where it fitted in, she made herself nail polish and I got nail polish as well on my middle finger. After it dried out I got back to table tennis. Some of her friends examined me just a bit. They looked very stylish and seemed very nice. Also pretty young, not sure how young she is, maybe in her very early 20s, she is guarenteed 18 though. Because she didnt give me much attention at all at her spot I didnt really feel like going back, at the end of the night she hugged me though, like other people as well. In a sense with this there is no room for fear or any of my social weirdness that is left. I cant really tell what she is about, she asked for my phone number also when I was rather shy. I think she wants to figure me out as well. Interestingly with her I found she challenged another girl I had this place reserved to. She was from the old theatre club but I ultimately rejected because .. well I dont want to get into all the details right now. Didnt really know I even made that place, wow.. Of course I shouldnt put to much into a girl I barely know but interestingly I naturally dont invest to much into it. Its really interesting how a deeper sense of confidence and not neediness is built into my patterns, it was really easy to go about her not giving me so much attention and so forth. Spent some time with two guys afterwards. I was alone with one guy at the end and he seems like a total INFP talking about his emotions and so forth and he said that he sometimes spents more time with people who he doesnt really like because he wouldnt get hurt much if they were shitty to him and sometimes less time with the people he really likes because he could potentially get much more hurt by them. Not sure if that was aimed at me. I have my problems with closeness and distance though which can make it difficult for people to get to know me, especially if they are scared of rejection because that is a really real thing they can encounter with me if too much closeness is getting uncomfortable with me.