Jannes

I NEED MORE CONSCIOUSNESS

Or maybe this actually feels like a loss for him and he cant deal with emotions so he is distracting himself. Just speculating.

If I want to write her, I dont want to wait too long though as then this seems to heavy. I just dont want to mess anything up, most things dont need to be said, they are already clear.

I kind of blocked some inner growth distracting myself with Youtube. I think if I went through all of that very consciously, I could have maybe created a different situation.

... The answer is self care right now.

I dont get it.

The fact that nothing worked out ever pretty much implies that I am the problem. But its not like I am not trying hard.. There is an insight I am missing I think.

My inner storm is calming a bit. But what I left is not okay. NOOOO

This sounded better when I was emotionally unstable in the morning.

Had this rational thought before I woke up. Unconsciously I have all this desires and traumas that I unconsciously express. Then people act upon that, but consciously I dont even want to take the response my unconscious system has created because it isnt fully in lign with my unconscious.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

I had a appointment with this guy and I missed it yesterday. Then he took the whatsapp text below the picture out. So in my emotional mess I was telling him that. AAAAh when I am emotionally in such a place I should just wait it out, wtf am I doing. He already responded telling me a good morning, that he thanks me for my honesty and that he wishes me a good day.. could also be french for fuck you.

It could have been love bombing. But I dont want to justify my own stupidity when in reality she was actually extremely emotionally generous. I AM SO CONFUSED!!

There was a guys friend of the girl who put a lot into it. He kind of stared at me twice. Once like three weeks ago when the girl put a lot into it out of the blue and today as well when we seemed more distant. Especially today. Well it is how it is, I am not able to take this kind of closeness and she isnt really my type gf wise. But she built such a great vibe, on my own I play lower level games.

A disappointing evening. For one the girl who put a lot of warmth into our connection was significantly more distant today. Well I didnt match her energy so that makes sense. And I was wondering what her goal was.. There were a few moments today where she seemed to test me, a few times she came really close looking me into the eyes and there wasnt much space between our lips. I have a poker face in these situations though. I just naturally couldnt match her energy. She sat next to me once coming close and snuggling a bit, when I sat next to her I came as close but didnt touch her body. The thing is, I enjoyed that closeness, but I didnt have it in me to match that. Obviously that kind of killed the vibe or at least I felt so. I can resist, but I cant make something happen with the same energy. So there seems to be some kind of overestimation on myself. I wanted to built my state but I kind of couldnt. If you spent like 5 hours socializing you have to be careful with your energy anyway. To talk about something I even randomly talked about this K-Pop romance thing I watched which also seemed a bit like a vibe killer. Men I just felt so incredibly incompetent today.. Even at the goodbye I didnt really match her hug, I let myself hug way more then I put in. The artist girl didnt come today. I am friends with a girl there and she told me that the artist girl seems to have a bf. I really didnt expect that as she asked for my phone number. I want to go back in the ring goddamnit.

I was doing some research on K-Pop-Boy-bands as I found the phenomena of very feminine men very interesting. And I stumbled across this video. Never watched anything like it, a bit overdramatic but wholesome at the same time. Let em be.

I was so productive, it doesnt make any fucking sense.

I was avoiding 1 on 1 body doubling sessions for some reason. Just started one again.

When I was walking from the social spot yesterday, I was talking to one of the guys there who casually talked about all kinds of things. I know the dynamic well, when someone wont open up, in this case myself, you just talk about shit yourself without an invitation. Well in this case though it was weird. He talked about that he did sexual work on a cam. He opened up about something else last time which was okay, but I didnt really like this. Usually I am open and find stories like this entertaining, but this time it triggered some pain in me. In hindsight I didnt want to listen to it. I was surprised myself, I really have some unprocessed wounds regarding sex.

I was getting the thought that maybe with this girl who seemed to support me I could talk about the experience with my old theatre club. Appearently a lot still isnt healed there. I was thinking that I probably wont find somebody who I could talk about this anyway, so now with this opportunity this might open up some things, especially because she seems to know people from there.

Will be in the same situation today. Really, going for a hug or going for avoidance are both bad options, even if one is less worse. The root of the problem is that I created this situation somehow.

I appreciated the insight that the head of a successful company has to corrupt his mind to create a realm where the employee can effort to be truthful because the head of the company directs the company in a corrupt way to be compedetive.

Also I think I am becoming a bit more loose with whom I would have sex with. Girlfriend material is one thing but even there.. its interesting, when I am socializing a lot I seem to become a little less picky. Not sure why.