Jannes

Even though I cant flirt and built vibe, I dont know how to turn things into sex. I am not whole because of that weakness and my confidence will be diminished because of it in some way.

I felt a lot more relaxed and emotionally well rounded from archieving something today. I also noticed that I lack confidence because I dont get much done which I want to compensate for with a particularly attractive gf for example.

So on the remote viewing website there is lot to read. I really want to book the first session to get the foot in, I think it makes a lot of sense to read through all the other stuff, to make more detailed questions which bring me forward.

The body doubling thing really works wonders. Two and a half hour of work and I feel exhausted. Not used to working.

No guarantees When you realize nothing in life is a guarantee, so you spread your chances and maximize each one, you come as close to a guarantee as possible. So basically the more you think that nothing is guarenteed the more likely you are to find a guarentee, thats the balance. And there is something interesting to add. The thought of getting a guarentee stems from you recognizing your own potential and thinking, "will all of these grounds, something has to grow out of that it is guarenteed." But when you remaind there and slack off nothing will happen. But when you do the process of trading the potential into the manifestation of that potential that potential will bite just as much as you thought about your potential in theory. But it's interesting, the person that thinks that there are no guarentees and therefore is close to a guarentee doesn't recognize that they are having a guarentee. You can only have it when you don't have or don't have it when you have it. This touches on an observation I made before which is about 'the more you give it away the more it comes back'. No kewl person ever thinks of themselves as kewl, no good person ever thinks of themselves as good, ...

So there is the option for a short talk session for remote viewing where you learn about the field and so on. This is my chance to ask questions and put on the bullshit detector, I need to get a good check before I buy any courses. The great thing about remote viewing would be that it implies that the old physical paradigm is outdated and it would open the door for integrating more spirituality. So that would be quite something, being a Yedi-trainer lol. IF it works (AAAAh). Questions I want to ask: Can you earn money with remote viewing? How many clients do you have? Can I work as a remote viewing teacher and earn money doing that? How can I test if remote viewing works before I buy any courses? -> can you locate x-thing for me? (to check wether or not it works) hmm what would I want to hide, thats the golden question.

My mind isnt quite sorted, which eats away from my productivity. I am researching ergotheraphy but when remote viewing, how unlikely it may be, could be an option to earn money with, there is no way I am going for ergotheraphy. Same with acting. Although I dont know if acting is good for me, in a sense I am healing quite now being away from acting. As long as you do acting there is always a part of you ready to bullshit. When you are out of that zone and people relate to you in a certain way, you know they are more authentic. But quite honestly acting produced some of my happiest times. But when you act you always act in the human domain, even when acting as an alien, as the alien is not really an alien but humans imagination of an alien. But I know that for sure, remote viewing is high on the mood list. So I make it a high priority: Researching remote viewing > researching acting? > researching ergotheraphy > researching what can be done with my study progress so far

I am in an online body doubling group again which seems to help. I think I need like at least a week to tell if it works or doesnt work.

I do feel emotionally more grounded and healthy and I actually find more motivation for the things I previously could tell intellectually would connect to my values but somehow I didnt feel motivated towards them. Now I feel a bit more motivated towards them. Like working at Rick&Morty studio. Maybe I could create a portfolio with a shitton of ideas and they hire me.

Just took a look into this. Disorganized attatchment style kinda fits me. I actually remember one of the moments in my childhood when I was like "oh yeah the way I survive is to hold connections very loosely, I have to be able to go all in fast but be prepared to let it go in an instant when I get betrayed."

Beyond that you would be one of the few people who would try it out early on, so you would get an early sense and vision where society is headed and how that would feel like.

Talked to a girl yesterday at my social spot. It was werid, I already talked to her another time, this time I was so cold in terms of small talk and we had such an akward small talk but somehow it just kept going on and she didnt seem to mind that much, as if this akwardness was normal. She waved to me when leaving as well. But people at the social spot seem to look at me differently, at least a few individuals distance themselves from me. I dont know why, maybe because I express to much Fuckboy energy. Well I just talk to every attractive women there is. But its interesting flirting is easier for me then socializing at a normal paste because the latter isnt as stimulating for my mind so I suck at it. Which is why I cant really get love from friends because building friendships is so hard for me. But of course they think if I can go up and talk to attractive women then he could have easily been friends with me but chose to ignore me instead. But my mind is just wired differently. I still feel like an outcast while at the same time being able to flirt. I have to dig deeper into finding adhd people, the self help group brought me together with maybe one handfull of people my age over all this timeframe, I need to find more people with adhd.

These guys are heroes! I cant think of many things more impactful then making the future technology more accessible for everyone. But it would be interesting if they really manage to built robots that beat the big companies, other bots can do backflips and have strong sensitivity in their robot hands, that would be hard to replicate. But maybe they are just that talented and its like Linux beating Windows before Windows became the standard, I would hope so.

I guess there are many women who want to built a family, are more experienced and are skilled at picking out exactly the kind of guy they could do that with. So when you present yourself, that could be your chance. But its important to socialize, date, whatever you can to get more experience to have more self-efficacy. You need resources of course to built a family, so you would need to elaborate where you stand.

I have seen such depraved behaviour from girls in the last couple of years. Maybe I wrote about this already, not sure. There is nothing spiritual, holy and romantic about human connection, everybody is trying to maximize their value. At first when I saw a girl wanting to cheat or leave her bf for another guy I was like 'how dare you', but now that I have seen so much of it with basically no case of a holy bond, I feel like I am playing a different game entirely. I am considering lowering my moral standards. Like if I really want somebody and built a connection with this person and later find out that they are in a relationship but they are willing to take me instead then I am not sure if holding back is the right thing to do. Yeah this is trading sex, fame, power for truth.

I am writing with a girl atm and even though the conversation is pretty wholesome somehow I dont really get much out of it. Like even though I tell myself I am lonely this conversation just bores the shit out of me, or I cant take the feeling of connection or this is a new thought I try to make connection work but my mind doesnt create enough dopamine from simple talk so it takes me some time of collecting to respond to a message. It also got me thinking at the gym today, I try to be moral and all but I do have a primal part to myself, if I am not aligned to a significant degree with my devil/ primal side I just loose interest just like it just wasnt possible to logik myself into befriending the nice guy when I didnt really respect him. So when I have nice talk with this girl but know that I could be a Fuckboy if I really wanted to maybe this beta nice guy talk wont get support from my primal brain. If I had no other option then sure this is the best I got and I could settle peacefully but it doesnt seem so.

I kind of knew but somehow never looked at it, maybe because I was uncomfortable with it but there are many online body doubling websites especially for ADHD folks! This could be a great tool to make me more productive. Will check it out tomorrow, today I basically got nothing done.

In a sense all the insights I made during the Fusion are more valueable because it was out of my trance and from a higher state of consciousness because I needed to be conscious all the time without distraction.

I felt really good in the morning. One of the reasons is because I was forced to be conscious all the time at the event. Well of course I would distract myself with dancing and stuff but I was there and in my body. Peter Ralston talks about it that you become more conscious when you are physical because you at least experience actual reality. This is why studying feels so bad for me, or why doing something where I am involved directly would feel so much better. I did this mini job at the super market and while I did hate it I remember how much I processed shit because I always needed to be in the moment, undistracted by other things. I miss my shitty job, it actually gave me some emotional stability. So a qualification could be way better then studying for my mental health. Just bought myself a crochet set for beginners.

Oh I think he is super on point with most stuff, but he is no psychonaut.

Haha the dude with down syndrome was so oblivious that he broke your paradigm, I can really picture that. We give ourselves similiar affection with body contact, nice gestures, scratching our hair and heads even.. but the owner of the pet is usually on another league intelligence wise which explains why he has a pure owner to pet relationship to his pet while there is no good reason to treat most humans that way but of course there are power inbalances, simple minded people with simple jobs who are told what to do.. I think we also spare a lot of affection to each other because of lack of development.

No your anus.

Fusion diaries I am going to write a bit about how the event is going. The first day I came kind of late and I was pissed of at myself for it. Wandered around the area and found a few familiar faces. This place is super super leftist and Stage green all around. Imagine 70000 stage green people in one spot creating an event. Of course there is no capitalist advertising, music techno, stage green workshops and seminars. Later the day I went partying and found a person I talked in Berlin with. He has like a very marcant thing about him. Very attractive and with a super wild pirate vibe to him. On the dance floor he always openly did some cocaine and then swang his hips back and forth suggesting a fucking gesture. It was so depraved of any spirit I could not take it anymore and we parted ways soon. But I guess this was his unique strategy, I guess there are girls who would be up for cocaine and sex with a wild but handsome pirate. Through all the night I had a bad feeling because I let a seminar group down. I would need to drive like 6 hours back and forth to do a small part in a presentation but they were pissed of at me for good reason. I didn't organize it earlier and was afraid of confrontation so I didn't speak about it until it was too late. It's super my fault of course, but the intensity of how this felt was just too strong. Because of my add I made so many unintentional mistakes people were mad at me about so I became very careful and afraid to step out of line. When I get negative feedback it feels especially strong because it is connected to so many experiences. So of course I can't have a certain confidence that other people have. Second day I got up pretty quickly. Didn't really know what to do that day so I wondered around a bit. I found the workshop area though which was cool and I produced a Led-unicorn. Didn't really feel the vibe though, felt like a lone wonderer a bit disconnected from the place and the people. Basically everyone there comes in groups so it's not as easy to find connection. Randomly found a theatre which I visited. It was a funny play about Sweden's alcohol consumption. Whenever I go to the theatre I manage to work through some inner blockades. I think it's because a distraction which I hold long and deeply enough so inner shit can be worked through. Well I thought about the seminar thing again and decided that I would offer to drive the 6 hours to do the presentation with them. The two were prepared to do it alone now though. Just talking about it and resolving the conflict felt so good. I can't can't can't live and breathe when there is massive conflict, I am just not built for that. (Which is a major reason why being a teacher can't work for me). There was a talk area and I listed to three talks each an hour long, one about the workings of psychedelics, the second about AI oligarchy and the third about radical feminists. And after that was something like a soft version of speed dating. I wasn't really ready through all the talks before I just happened to be there and found the topics so interesting that I stayed. But I always wanted to know how speed dating is like so I stayed. Well there were a lot of questions and depending if we leaned more into yes or no we should position ourselves in the room and find people near us to have a talk with. It was going okay, later on I activated some pick up confidence though and sniped a girl a few people away with a smile and gesture. So we talked a little. She didn't give me her number though as she wanted to meet people first which is kind of hard in this place as we probably won't see ourselves again. There was this other girl with orange coloured hair and a leopard hat looking like a Russian hat or something who looked so interesting and attractive. Couldn't get a talk with her unfortunately. Speed dating is pretty interesting but the problem is always that there is a bit of pressure that something must happen. At night I went partying again even though I was pretty tired. This became a bit like a pick up place for me as I didn't really get much out of the place otherwise. This is a place to have fun with other people but when you are on your it all gets old pretty fast, there are better things I could do on my own. I chatted with chatgpt the night prior about pick up and it is surprisingly good. Basically physical escalation is super hard for me, like impossible hard. Even not on a dance floor being physical is really hard for me, I have just some developmental blockades there. I also sometimes have it that another person shows interest and I don't know how to behave then. Chatgpt gave me the very interesting insights that thinking freezes me up, I have to act impulsively in the exact moment the feeling of doing something comes up. I simply have to learn to get better at choosing the right impulses I want to entertain. And I think that has to do with self honesty and guts. Third day and I slept like 10 hours straight. I was constantly on the move for like 16 hours yesterday so my whole system is overloaded. It was hard for me to entertain a light talk with another person yesterday which is a clear sign that the fundamentals don't stand, if I can't do that then I have no business being on a dance floor. But it also raised the question of what I really want and I have to be very honest about it. I am really interested in basically being a player and sleeping around, I didn't do it though because I didn't have enough friends and emotional stability as a base so I kind of let go on that idea and am more looking for a relationship. But now here my perspective changes again. I want both, at last a phase with lots of free sex and a deep relationship. Hrmph I went 20 outside of the festival base and I still hear the fucking music clearly. My nervous system needs to recover a bit, this is a good place for it. What I realized over the last couple of days is that in terms of relationships, people are monkeys. Maybe this is even some stage blue leftovers in me, but I always thought that when two people are together, it's because of some deep and spiritual bond. Not that I reasoned myself to it but it was just how I would have done it so I expected that from everyone around. But people are just taking the best option they get and when a better option comes along they have no problem breaking up their relationship or even cheat. It feels grounding to come to this realization because I was always fighting this even though it was my experience again and again and again. So what do I do with this? Another thing I realized is that I do have very specific demands of what I want from a person. I could have lots of friends but most of them don't interest me at all. I kind of feel like a hot girl who says she can't get a boyfriend. But it is just how it is, I feel lonely with people where the vibe doesn't truly fit, so I need to accept myself for that. But in this way it can be hard to reach the people I am interested in, as when I am lonely I kind of give of low energy which makes it hard to connect. But on the other hand 'connecting' with people I am not interested it disconnects me with myself. This inner struggle may stem from being disconnected from myself, I try to be a party person, connect with lots of people, get sex, because from my true self it was hard to connect to other people. But when I look back this isn't even really the case, it's more that I couldn't believe that people actually liked my real self. Or well I did find less people but a few right ones and it doesn't matter that it were less because all the potential options I have now don't even matter to me. This is some deep inner work here damn. At night I decided to be slow, bought a cacao, sat on a nice location and nipped at it. The cacao could have been enough for 6 hours. But I realized that this was a way to do game even though I wanted to relax. Did an approach with a girl where I built a bit of eye contact and I was terrified and she mirrored my energy. Complete fail but it still got me into a better social mood because it was an honest approach, I tried not in a fake way and that built me up even though it was a fail. Later on the dance floor I exchanged smiles with a girl. I tapped her shoulder and asked for her name following my impulses. That was all I had in me, like I just continued dancing without doing anything more which I thought was awkward but she kind of integrated me with small gestures and even offered me a mint after she offered one her friends. Then she danced with her back towards me, coming closer to me and throwing her arms back. So I thought this was the opportunity I had yesterday to built some light body contact. So I let her gently strife my hand two times and nothing happened. And then I did it a third time in an more obvious way, forcing a reaction from her and I immeditaley made an oops didn't mean to reaction. This was wrong. 1) I should have been more chill, the built up could have taken a little longer. 2) I shouldn't have been in an apologizing state, that just means I am not owing my interest. Well she distanced herself a bit which was the excepted reaction and after 10 minutes of nothing from her I left. What I learned though is that physical escalation is possible even with my sensitive add mind. I wrote down the most important building blocks: Strategy: Stay grounded (feel the ground) Built up your state (even awkward conversations bring me forward) Follow impulse before thought (thought always looses) Coming closer strategy: Coming closer Matching energy in dance Very light Streifer are okay Not expecting to apologize when I force a reaction for touch, moreso smiling. (When there is obvious negative reaction letting go of course) Forth day now. I slept well, don't have much money anymore but all in all feel pretty well. This is an insight I had today, writing this while I am in the middle of the event leaned against a tree looking at people, a girl just offered a hängematte woohoo: When I conflicted I get paralyzed. In human interaction which isn't fully authentic, like when some depression is taking part then I can't handle the situation at all. There is a friend I have who is also at Fusion and I walk by his tent like twice a day and he is also there with friends. But our connection is also not fully authentic. I really really like him but I accidently flirted with his ex-gf who would have chosen me if I gave her the chance. Because I was 100% on his side and didn't make a deal out of it allt all, our connection kind of remained but we never spoke about it and so yeah it's a bit weird. Anyway so as I walked by today he greeted me and we had a bit of a chat, his friends were also there. But it was like only he showed any interest and kind of let go of interest after a few sentences of exchange. He actually put a lot into it but it was clearly not super authentic more like wanting to great a person you are cool with, not your bestie. As I walked by the tent later I didn't know what to do, like should I greet him or not and to which degree. I kind of smiled in his direction shily with repressed feeling of hurt wanting to hit my forehead afterwards. I just can't can't can't deal with these situations. Maybe I should become a punk, punks are super transparent. I am collecting situations which are similar to this. I also had kind of an inauthentic connection to a girl and she was really hurt for some reason and I got to here and offered a hug. Somehow I almost couldn't let go of the hug like my mind noticed that it was time to let go but I was glued to her. ____ Saw my friend who helped me earlier. Well I saw him before but it wasnt as close this time he clearly ignored me.. Well nobody just gives away love for free, I thought already that this won't last, but I don't know what he was getting out of that in the first place.. It's understandable but it still hurts. It makes me emphasize with my ex f+ though, I was pouring a lot into it without getting much back. Just chilling can be so cool. I was chilling almost the whole day, just being conscious without doing much. At night I wanted to party again, I knew the process I made and could work on that but I felt emotionally exhausted and lying there processing shit felt so god damn good. So I stayed so long that I slept through the whole night. But I also feel guilty and like a coward, not sure how much if going on today anymore but hookup time might be over. But I did follow myself and I felt very rare and conscious emotions. Generally I don't know why it was so hard for me to just find a group to hang out with. Like I never really approached any groups of people. It's possible to work at the Fusion for money and free meals as well. Three days of 5 or 6 hour shifts. I am for sure doing that next time as you stay connected to other people the whole time. Just through work you can have social connection which isn't forced, or well it is forced in the situation but in this way it is natural. Fith day So this is kind of the last day, tomorrow I will pack my things somewhere in the middle of the day and go. I see other people packing their things already. I can't be friends with people I don't respect, I just can't. I really really like the guy whos gf I accidently flirted with and who would have choosen me over him if I let it happen and now even with trying to be hyper mature about it the real connection is just not possible. Not sure how talking about it would change things, it is kind of a big elephant in the room. So in this way it is important to heal myself to come into a position to be powerful enough to attract the kind of people who I respect. Or can people heal each other? I chilled the whole day waiting for evening/ party time. Danced a little and was quite good at it haha all the times I danced on my own made me quite a decent dancer. There was a girl who seemed interested but she was from the team and it didn't seem natural to approach her. Later I went back to the stage and it was empty but she was still there and I asked her when it would start again. She told me in an hour or so and I started a conversation. At some point I asked how old you have to be to be part of the Fusion and she sayed 18 and because she said she was at the Fusion 5 times I asked if she was 23 (22 lol) and she replied that she was 26 which was quite surprising. There were two times when she said things that didn't really make any sense if she actually followed the conversation consciously like first she asked me which floor was my favourite which I told her was this floor earlier in the conversation and she stumbled over some obvious word. At some point she randomly stopped the conversation though and told me that she wished me a good night. My guess is either that she was surprised by my sudden interest and couldn't handle all the interest at once or she felt me trying pretty hard and got uncomfortable. It's weird because I usually know very well what I did wrong in an approach but this was very unexpected. Took a few other dance floors and allowed myself to spent the last physical money I had with me on some alcohol as I was sober the whole time. One beer in and a experienced a huge difference and after one and a half I got into a super social mood. The dance floors were crowded as hell though it wasn't fun at all. And some point I just felt a huge 'fuck this place' feeling and I went back to my tent. Realistically I get way more out of other places then the event. I approached the whole event wrong, I think it's important to come with friends or built a friend group. The loud music made it hard to truly relax. Now in the tent I feel a bit like a looser but hey I tried a lot, that matters. Okay 6th day, the day I drive back. Got a light sunburn in my face which I wanted to avoid so much as I want to slow the aging process. I am a bit terrified of going back into normal life even though the event was also terrifying. What I need is a clear direction of where to go and friends basically then life will be better. My LP can come after I managed survival. Even just doing a normal job can help me a lot as it gives me routine and people to socialize with. Thought about the one time my friend at the festival greeted me with the other friends as well. They were all opening up to me for a moment. I guess I needed to take that chance at the very moment and that I didnt take the first chance might have gave them the impression that I am not interested. You just look for what you already believe damnit.

I see what you mean.. they seem a bit like animals unbothered with everyday problems. But do you think they could get enlightend? I dont see that.