Jannes

I have it in roller coasters. Whenever it goes down very fast. I dont fear anything intellectually but my anus goes crazy. Or my root chakra. Something like this.

"Where in the devils mind are you?"

I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf

Plant omega 3 doesnt have EPA and DHA, it needs to be converted first. And the conversion is really bad. I tried it. For a long time span I had a perfect 1 to 1 omega 3 to omega 6 ratio which I archieved with lots of flax seed and flax seed oil. Did a test for omega 3 and I very low on EPA and DHA. That needs to be supplemented.

I dreamed about an old friend of mine today. I think my current social progress triggers me a lot. This reminds me a lot of when I was thinking about my progress in the gym. There were so many phases which didnt really do shit for me and so I had a very though time to quantify when progress even happened and for how long. Its the same with socializing, so many shitty phases with kinda progress, steps back and forth and so on. I probably learned a lot even when things went shitty. I think much of the progress would show if I was simly more healed and confident.

One thing that may have happened with the old theatre club was that I overreacted a bit when I completly broke the connection, but because I did that I feel like I need to now believe how shitty it was there otherwise it wouldnt make sense why I acted so strongly. Its been so long. I kind of know how its like there but also not at all. I would enter the whole thing as a changed person and I didnt want to take the change they could have given me.

Just watched two episodes of Rick & Morty and whats really fascinating is that my mind just sorta tanked it, I am still pretty in the moment. I dont even really know what I did to get here.

Wow the posts are 8 hours apart. I really do spent a lot of time at my social spots.

I didn't feel good at my social spot at all today. It reflected even at my table tennis performance, I played a lot worse. I think its all just because of the girl, I underestimate routinely how much I actually want/ need a girlfriend. I ended up knitting for most of the time. Another girl I previously kinda rejected even looked so much more interesting then before. She was showing some skin with her top. She is super skinny (not unhealthily so) and somehow this was the first evening I found that attractive. But hard to paddle back to her. Then later she actually showed up. Quick hello in a turn and no hug. The language seemed pretty clear. But then we played some board games in the group again. Another female friend of mine was randomly at the spot also and we shared a quick conversation. She does look good and it gave me a short boost. Bad in this context perhaps though. .. What I find interesting, people around me are often hugging, not hugging people around them depending on what the situation asks for. I feel very bound to the rules but when I see it with other people, I don't really care. I don't mind if they change the rules. I have more freedom in that respect then I allow myself. I think the most important thing is that it is genuine. Rather a genuine fist bump then a half hearted hug.

Yesterday I was looking forward to socialize the whole day but then an hour before I got pretty scared. Its similiar right now, I was hyped to go out and now I am pretty scared again.

Game is though to learn .. have you ever talked to girls?

Ahaha, maybe a handful.

Its getting much warmer outside, spring is coming. And with it emotional spring awakening. I am not sure if I am ready for those emotions.

But I didnt listen to news in the morning and that kind of changed everything. I was listening to news for about 30 mins before and now none of that. I have also pretty much zero interest to do it afterwards. Its kind of good, as it puts me into a state of more peace but also bad because I think it was a good thing, that I listened and understood news more. Maybe I can kind of make an evening routine.

Still figuring that out, I just thought the date would be very important for something. It definitely helps as a self reflection of what type of people are on the forum and are into consciousness work.

If you have ND please share what you have as well. I have ADHD myself. edit: Gpt 5.2 🧠 A Quick Summary Dyslexia – ~5–10 % ADHD – ~5 % globally Autism – ~1–2 % Dyspraxia – ~5–6 % Dyscalculia – ~3–6 % Tic disorders (e.g., Tourette) – <1 % Combined neurodivergence – ~15–20 % overall With self reports it can be a good chunk more.

Well, I am just hungry in the morning, so RV first doesnt seem like a good idea. Or I could train myself to do it first. .. I was still pretty emotionally invested from yesterday, so I couldnt fully relax into the session but it went better then expected. I am just much more conscious and in the moment I notice. Its not as painful to not be distracted anymore. Although I still have a long way to go.

I realized today just how top notch my mental clarity is. It was so mudded from Video games YouTube etc. and now there is basically none of it because I consume pretty much none of it. This was a dream back in the day and now it is reality. So I can socialize better .. it's always better in fantasy but yeah socializing feels much better then watching YouTube the whole day. And I am probably just at the beginning, this can get much better.

So I tried to catch that girl I kinda flirted with last time. At first she ran past me which was kind of an ignoring sign, kind of because I never initiated hugs at the beginning. So later outside I go for a hug anyway. Later I saw her sitting by herself, I walk in her direction and her view goes from up to down which felt like a pretty intentional sign so I go past her. My senses are very active. She talks with guy friends pretty much the whole evening and leaves without anything. It kinda makes sense. Well it's hard to imagine what she is going through when it was pretty obvious that she had interest to hookup and I didnt take the chance. Kinda difficult to find a transition. On the other hand she may have talked with people from the old theatre club. If they talked shit about me my blood will boil. It's already boiling just from conceiving the possibility. It's probably nothing but still.

My RV trainer is active on Youtube again after a 2 year break. I watched a video on how to prepare for RV. Clearing ones mind is important. I will try to do it first thing in the morning before listening to news.

I notice that RV is more enjoyable. I have less emotionally loaded thoughts distracting me. WAY LESS when I think about how I started, holy shit.

Completly failed my first two RV exercises today but nailed the last one. Guess I locked in on that one even though it didnt really feel like I did.

The point about only being able to be truly good once you have seen the absolute good is really interesting. I remember having mystical experiences as a kid so maybe I got a base of grounding through that.

Was watching this in the evening. I have got mixed feelings about it.

I put my Laptop blocker earlier but it didnt really help in falling asleep significantly earlier. Stood up at 10 because I felt like this was supposed to be my time to stand up now but I am pretty sleepy.