Jannes

I felt pretty insecure at impro acting today. A friend of mine told me afterwards though that I seemed more awake and confident, interesting. Two people in the group seemed to want to tease me today just a little though. I told my friend that I would be in Berlin and he probably shared that. The girl there seemed interested and is in an Open relationship so maybe there she got the message that I wouldnt be interested. Well she and my friend actually didnt explcitly stop to farewell me today which was the biggest thing. Its not a huge deal but I dont have many strong fundamentals, so I feel a light shake pretty strongly.

I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf

These pictures are quite haunting indeed. But I always felt like Biden wanted to present himself as a family men because thats an important demographic to target even though he didnt have the soft skills to pull it off and it ended in this. But maybe he is molesting idk.

I have so much confidence today its incredible. Just the momentum of the weekend. I made the same experience earlier as well. Although its not all confidence, moreso a commitment into a performative state which is different. It means fear doesnt hold me back but it still exists.

Wanted to do so university work but binged on 4 hours of South Park instead. No sense of discipline. Can still get almost 6 hours of sleep today. Crashed a bit.

Great share!

Some thoughts while doing RV: Finding a way to limit my Laptop during RV. In reality I only need the RV number so I could create a frozen turkey in my Cold turkey App. Only my smartphone would be left as a distraction.. only you know if you did good or not by using first order principles, dont look around what others tell you RV reminds me of how people in Berlin approach which is way more open and committed instead of reserved like in my city. Well I feel like I am too reserved in RV so that serves as an analogy. I am doing "I-am-ness" meditation while RV practice basically because when I am in myself, I view myself and not the target so I constantly have to get rid of viewing myself.

Slept 11 hours today. Didnt even have time to take Elvanse today because I need to go to bed relatively early again. Took a small dose of medicinet instead which will be interesting how it compares. It was definitely the right decision to get back and get some rest today, I would have been fried if I didnt do that. Didnt stock up on veggies though which sucks, my system craves some healthy foods to restock on vitamins and stuff.

Yesterday I saw two women in their 30s in the train. They radiated so much character in their appearence, how they dressed etc. Youth is not just lost physically but also in spirit. Well not for them. And they looked pretty attractive. My brain kind of filtered them out because they were out of my age range but in this instance I made it conscious and could tell that when I would be in my 30s to 40s they wouldnt be bad options at all. The door would open for me to perceive them as attractive. Aging isnt all bad.

@musicandmath111 I am so sorry to hear this. Consider reaching out for professional help to process it. Sometimes your mind cant integrate what happened because its too much and it doesnt understand what it means yet. I experienced that when my grandpa passed away. It only hit me weeks, months and now a year later. The father of a friend of mine recently committed suicide and my friend also didnt feel anything at first.

Need sleep.

Oh! And cruicially I got socializing done without medication! Maybe for RV now hmm..

I was contemplating what was missing about why I wasnt making social progress and I guess I found a key?

I have to say, even though its only been 2 days, I was surprisingly happy to get back into my apartment. Home sweet home. True privacy. Now that I got and already 1.5 hours have past I get bored of it though, would switch to the hostel back again probably.

The women with the first guy is probably like "what can I say next time something like this happens". You dont expect shit like this.

About the old theatre club, I am starting to feel more what I already knew many months ago which is that specific things happened in important moments which massively shaped and formed my experience in the club. I love most of the people there, I love theatre and I hate to have just left like that but some things were just too much.

Wrote a girl I met about a year ago and had once pretty intimate (not sex) encounter with and I had mixed emotions about it, it was pretty intense so it was a bit much. But it opened the opportunity for a place to sleep and a friend to chill with which would be wonderful. She wrote back actually saying that its nice to hear from me, asking how I am and that she is unfortunately not in Berlin this weekend. Idk what to make out of it, this can become something cool or not. I dont even really know how she looks like, its been so long. Thats one spot to stay though. Have another friend as well. And well the hostel of course which is a reliable backup.

I feel pretty great. Especially in the end this evening I felt like I un-lulled myself. I felt in my power. I only have my seminar next wednesday and then only seminars on monday! So I can stay in Berlin most of the time and make insane social progress. I only need to balance that with my RV practice. I also didnt do my practice today, but thats okay, I did pre work for one day. I ran around like a bit of a zombie today but I saw so much. And the confident no-bullshit attitude was also super cool.

You never have true privacy though. Not sure how much I need this. Just wanted to complain but the guy who just sat on the same table as me (even though there are plenty of free ones, my setup is just cool) just offered me chicken. If I werent vegetarian damnit. But I very much appreciate it regardless.

Just checked out and hanging at the chill area now. So the hostel is nice. I came back at 3pm yesterday though, open my bin and some guy histerically was like "NO SOUND, NO SOUND, DEDEDEDEDE GOOD NIGHT". It seemed like he had mental illness. Sorry for the invonvenience but MY TOOTHBRUSH WAS LOCKED AWAY. I am terrible. I slept terribly though, the pillow was way to big and generally I cant relax at other places fast. Maybe thats something you can train. But other then that the people are chill, you get warm shower and you get what you pay for. There are lots to optimize as well, like bringing the right snacks. .. The socializing part went bad though. Found the spot after some search and it seems like a very different culture, more agressive and stuff. Most guys at the table tennis spot are older and in the chill area I didnt approach anyone because it were all groups intensely talking to each other and I took some rounds. Three girls sat next to me at the very beginning asking if you have to bring your own table tennis bat. It started good small talk immediately but I played one or two rounds and the girls were immediately bombarbed from all angles. Comparing that to the amount of leeway I get in my small city is insane, there are more chances here but the meta is more brutal as well. No wonder some people with a bit of game dominate at my social spots. So when I sat next to the one girl after two rounds she just farted in my direction. Well I cant be sure be she was leaning over to the other side with a nice relaxed posture to get some gas out. Its been some time since I ever smelled a fart in public at all. Cant help but psychoanalyze it. I had such an easy opportunity at the beginning and took it so naturally, maybe it was a gesture of "hey, wake up to Berlin things are nasty out here." Or people hide less there.

Just got to the hostel. Its so exciting. There is a certain warmness to people here as well. Had to pay extra for castle and keys but thats a first time mistake. I am packing my things and will search for the table tennis spot. Gotta turn of my Laptop. I dont even have social media and yet my first thought is that I should capture the magic here instead of inhaling it. Lets live a little now.

I thought I could get some time for university work I am just busy with reflecting and booking. For me time in the train is mostly productive, especially if the train drives right to the destination.

You can only pay with credit card on the first site I wanted to order. Luckily Paypal works on the other one. Its about 20 Euros, so really not that much. I just imagine travelling in Hostels Non-Stop. I mean with Ear-Plugs you can get good sleep but I guess you could never fully relax. Well its my first Hostel ever, so lets see. Also havent found the Table tennis place yet, but I know the general direction and will ask people then.

I never find anything in second hand shops for some reason. But I found some good stuff on second hand shopping online and will go back to it. But only tops, you need to put jeans and trousers on.

My sweater smells like food. I literally wear the same outfit the whole week because I dont like anything else. Its time to shop, I got a better perspective of what I want now which is a more vintage looking sweater.