Jannes

So I talked to him about it. And he replied that he experienced the same. Multiple women there accused him of sexual harassment. I assume he implied that he didn't do shit to deserve it. I am loosing my fucking mind. This place has to be nuked with truth.

I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf

I have no real concept of what I want from my outfit but sometimes there is a spark. This is a spark. 100 Euros though..

Talked to a few yesterday about what happened which is pretty huge for me. I didnt dare to before. And it feels good. Now the boyfriend of my friend also wants to know whats up.

Saw a few stylish dudes today while shopping. I am always like I dont really need style but then I see an outfit perfectly put together like a piece of art and then I want it as well. But it costs money, is bad for the environement etc. ..

Were back baby!

I fucked up so badly with my messages. Paddled back today like a little bitch and made some critical errors along the way as well. Super 60 iq move. Well I did it and I need to live with the consequences now. I need to reground myself.

Mostly politics so meh

That I have been binging youtube for 5 hours doesnt help that case .. although idk it might even help.

There is so much inner tension going on inside me, I am constantly bumping into things and letting things fall. My system is working overtime to process.

THIS game talking about a alternate reality where you can collect yourself it helped me a lot years ago when I played it

So I found this website where people rank each others dating, business and social pictures and give advice. Its honestly pretty eye opening because I had all kind of ideas of what could make a good impression and what doesnt and this is like a direct encounter with reality. But its a bit blackpilling. You can earn your votes by rating other pictures and by doing that you develop your intelligence of what makes a good dating picture. https://www.photofeeler.com/

A good thing in my life is my stretchy belt though which I just got. It's so comfortable, even when I sit. You gotta experience the good things while they last.

Still I have a very bad feeling about it, I think I went to far, I digged to deep. Preparing for impact.

I came up with a much better answer, even made it playful. Sometimes a breather safes your skin.

She just texted back that she doesnt know what I am talking about and cant help me. Fucking gaslighting. My first instinct is to write you are terrible and I hope we never see each other again. Then I think that this is maybe an emotional reaction that doesnt solve anything. But really what can I do, she is not set on this point and there is nothing I can do.

A friend of mine needed someone to collect him from the hospital so I randomly did that. Threw my whole usual morning routine and afternoon out of order. Emotionally as well. We played video games at his place in the end. .. The girl from the old theatre club replied with what I wanted to talk about and I gave her the whole answer. Curious where this will lead to, I didnt dare to before..

Wtf what a terrible evening. So I was just chilling there and then a certain dude from the old theatre club appeared. He was an unholy peace of shit to me in some moments. Whenever he is there it feels like I am getting attacked by some agent whose whole purpose it is to take me out. I think he was open to chit chat but I consciously avoided talking to him any chance there was. I just couldn't.. When he seemingly left he gave me am angry face. That's what I like about theatre though, you can use it to self express yourself. Hours later when I eased into the social mood I was a bit more open to maybe talking to him. Then the girl I was interested in started to be much closer to a friend of her, so I guess they are making out now. I couldn't hook out fast, I wanted it slower which wasn't in her interest it seems. He was smirking a bit as well. All of this combined, the feelings of the old theatre club and the story with this girl, I am just in so much rage. I would like to fight, destroy or cause damage.. .. The wpmi-girl was also there. She seemed so happy, what a terrifying fassade.

Goodness isnt expressed in the form of sweet fluff. Rather in the form of strong and hard values.

Who knows if Biden got elected without his hair. "A critical moment in Joe Bidens life when he decided to get a hair transplant which would make him a more famous politican and ultimately president in the years to come"

I am more opened up now. Even wrote another girl from the old theatre club if we could talk. Feels like the right thing to do even if it is difficult.

I just wanna get high, which is maybe not good

I am so angry at my old theatre club I seemingly starting feeling this chi-ish energy again which I bent and felt through for quite some time. It doesn't happen often that I get to feel it and it was really alien when I first got in contact with it years ago but now I can recognize it. Although I wonder what that is and what I do with it.. It felt like I used it to free myself of energy I held connected with my old theatre club.

I have got a bit of a headache. That could come from stress related to writing the message but also from overdoing it in the gym yesterday. 2 hard sets of stiff legged deads is quite hevy on the CNS. 1 would have been enough but I felt like doing 2. And then heavy sets on the leg press followed. That was the most suffering but I dont even feel anything in my quads even though I felt like I optimized everything. Thats why I dont like to train my quads, even though I would like to have bigger legs, I have to do so much for very little results.

.. I think I created a bit of an ego about leaving the old theatre club and being a victim. And also survival points for that .. I didnt get a message back from that girl. I neither expected to get a message or not get a message.