Jannes

I need to eat more. The medication surpresses my appetite but I need carbs to think properly so I gotta remind myself to eat.

I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf

I feel like at least half of the reasoning of my old. theatre club leader to not respond was for PR reasons. It could explain his neutralness in his response or his willingness to only talk to me when I am staying part of the old theatre club. PR control is something I picked up on quite late.

Well wht I have to keep in mind is, you are not just born with a certain physical body but also with a certain psychology. Like what you are sexually attracted to. And maybe also how you feel about yourself in terms of gender. How deep is that illusion I wonder.

That my package with the table tennis blad takes more then a week to arrive is though. I am checking everyday what the satus is. But given that I cant really play this week anyway it might even be for the better.

I think I just fundamentally havent come to a conclusion about what I think about trans people. You are born with specific physical traits and changing them through surgery is costing resources and impacts your health negatively. Thats a fact. That people treat you differently because of your physical appearence and that there is a difference between soft dude phenomenological experience and women phenomenological experience is also a fact. Well I throw the word fact around a lot to get some stability in my thinking.

The trans friend of mine just posted her status on WhatsApp that the health insurance is gonna pay for her genital operation. She is getting her dick cut off. Does it make me (behing my open minded and good willed persona) uncomfortable ? Idk

Its like moment wher closeness is in the air, panic, oh the table tennis round is open lets go.

There were many situations today where closeness could have been built and I ran away from it every time. I cant get anyone near me easily at all.

What a shitty time at the social spot. My nervous system was. completly overwhelmed, when I took some breaks to go outside it was heavenly. Could have stayed out the whole time when I think about it. My confidence was pretty high though which is nice.

Found a new RV group. It is tacted in 25min working blocks with 5mins break in between. Its psychologically very relaxing, you just need to go sheep mode. I was very productive but men am I toasted right now, I hope I an keep my cognitive performance up for the coming days. Now I play a little well deserved table tennis.

So my youtube blocker really puts me in a though spt right now. I was just googling how to do a chop block in table tennis and there are explanations but none of them really explain it well, I probably need a video for it. But I blocked all of that. And unblocking it just a few times fucks with my head. 99% is way harder then 100%. So what now?

Not sure about what to do next with my current housework. I have got about 6-7 pages where I explain the history of how family evolved through specific events and how social work looked at it. Now I have to crank in how social work looks at families today. I have got current positions from modern studies at hand and prepared, so I want to put that in to safe time. I have also got a whole study analyzed of the experience gay families have in schools. Maybe like this, I use the book I got recommened to reflect the current positions of social workers of gay families and maybe correct or add to that the scientific consensus which I prepared. And then do the study for what reason .. ? Hmm I need a better plan. Maybe I can work out what I already do have and then built around that. But its so condense the scientific consensus, I feel ike its better to use it to proof something.

Although I am busy with university stuff anyways, not that it makes a huge difference. I feel like on medication though I am more goal oriented in that regard .. which isnt that bad ..

Ma date just wrote me yesterday that she is busy this week but more flexible afterwards. I think she wants my full attention when we spent a date together which is understandable, but I kind of want to get the date earlier so I can now earlier if its time to move on or not. I feel like I am not totally free atm. If I was I would maybe start something else.

Took an hour or so off. Hmm I dont know what to do with free time lol. I will fall into a bit of a purposeless hole I feel like when I am done with this.

Headspace music is top notch, I have got to say.

I think my new Lassi recipe is becoming a staple.

Big Task 1/3 done.. Wohoo !!

I am letting my sides grow a little. I am getting more accustomed to more then my super thin 5mm sides. Maybe I cutting a transition again, havent done that in a long time, mostly because a straight cut takes way less time.

I managed to nap with medication today. Not sure if I should be worried, that kind of indicates that their effect isnt as strong anymore. On the other hand a nap is nice. I can substitute a bit with coffeine the coming days if I need to.

Yesterday I saw a few more angry looking men with short hair and in red joggers then usual. That event might have brough some of them into the sunlight.

I loved myself at impro today because of the medication boost. (The good one, not the elvanse shit) A friend of mine said that I was completly normal though. Idk about that .. maybe he says it because he feels threatened ... that would be my likely explanation but that would be the first time he would lie to me like that but that I am actually just normal also doesnt seem likely to me. Hrmpf..

Hmm Mango Soy Joghurt with Protein milk make for somewhat of a Lassi.

I am so tired. Am half done with one project. I am actually kind of motivated to do more but I think I need some rest.