Jannes

Okay this is really off topic. Most clothes in blue strike me either as boring (plain blue has nothing to it even though the color is nice), conformist (your typical suit or professional wear is blue) or childish. (babyblue) I like blue as a color but its hard to integrate if you want your outfit too like a little more vintage or artistic. I collected a few examples where people made it work, feel free to add to this list.

Packed everything, tomorrow I drive to the festival in the morning.

I just finished the LP course a few days ago. I have been thinking about this moment for quite a while as I started this course more then 2 years ago. Not that I get all the missing answers here but maybe some advice from more experienced folks who are already living their LP. I am 25 now and I live in germany. I have got inattentive adhd which made many things very difficult for me like concentration, dealing with emotions and social problems which indirectly also made other things difficult like finding study partners or getting help with emotional distress difficult. So basically I was always an emotional mess/ overtaxed/ semi depressed while getting nothing done and not understanding what was wrong with me. As a result I had difficulties answering many questions in the life purpose course because I experienced relatively little concrete success so far because I couldnt really take part in life as much. I feel like I have got as close to it as what would be possible with my blockades but I feel like the very thing that is my LP is something I cant see right now. I take meds now and it seems like many things are clearing up rapidly but and I do make quite the transformation. I feel more capable but not necessarily upgraded. The stars become less interesting and I see more immediate tasks ahead. I become a lot more concrete instead of abstract. Thats the best way I can describe it. I seem to manifest myself in reality. I was always very reflected and stuff but was like a wave without its own will it can force onto the world. I develop a sense of self now. It sounds pretty unconscious I know and I made the point myself that adhd (at least the inattentive type that I experience) makes you more conscious. But in taking my meds I can deal with reality at least. If I got emotional support/ grounding maybe I could do it without meds but currently I can only do it this way. So this situation is quite confusing atm. In terms of my career so far: teaching: I am in 10th semester of studying math and philosophy for middle school but only have enough points to complete like 4 semesters (you need 10 semesters in total) because of the emotional distress I was always in. I could probably do better with the meds now so it really isnt hopeless. I decided to study teaching though because I did some internship to see what I like and teaching was okay for a moment and I couldnt deal with the pain of being in a situation of uncertainty so I did the best thing I found at the moment which wasn't the most conscious choice. Also there is a bit of buffer as with this graduation I can do other things as well. Teaching isnt directly my Life Purpose I am pretty sure about that. But I would earn a lot of money per hour, can do it part time, have a lot of holidays and a class in school gives you many direct information to observe which can inspire you. A school class is basically a mirror of society, all the kids are just mini versions of what's to come. So that can help me understand society and psychology more which would deepen whatever I create with my LP. I already thought a little and am also teaching 5 hours per week atm and it's an okay job. So it wouldnt be my LP but it would have a good base to comfortable pursue my real LP. acting: Over the last two years I have been doing a lot of acting as a hobby which is a lot of fun but it took a lot of time and I am also thinking about doing this as a career path. It would give me a relatively unstable base though and it would probably just miss my LP. Learning to act itself is incredible fun but it can also be emotionally challenging which I might not be capable to do. My Life Purpose is generally a bit unclear to me. Being a critical thinker is very much part of my authentic self and I have also got a very creative mind because of my adhd. On their own or even combined they dont really give me a life purpose that I find meaningful. For example I always think critically but I dont see where this practically leads to. And I often come up with new start up ideas because as I love the creative process but when it isnt connected to something meaningful I loose interest in it. The closest I could with these two is working on series like Rick&Morty which comes close to feeling like a LP. But I think there is a last component, a last value that is blocked from my mind. Besides these top two values I also care about empathy, goodness, authenticity, but not enough about any of them to make a LP in combination with the two about them I think. I sometimes look in my past to where the last puzzle piece might be. I developed a very profound even mystical happiness as a kid as I think that I had mystical experiences in kindergarden. I really vibed with Jesus in that time as well. I felt like it would virtually be impossible to break my spirit because I was connected to something unbreakable. I even felt like I needed to go through some real shit, to be lost, to come out of it and from that place be authentically able to help other people. I had a feeling of calling back then. Well I am not quite back to my inner garden of roses yet. I did about 20 trips of psychedelics and never realized a mystical experience because I was in too much shit mentally I think. (interestingly never had a really bad trip either though) I formulated my LP rather vague. I couldnt find any formulation that deeply inspired because as I said I think there is some authentic part of me missing. Taking my reflection about my past and moments of reflection I feel like it has to do with healing, bliss, profound love, existential (healing), spirituality. But I cant completely make out if these things interest me because I feel like I have a lack of them (negative motivation) or if it is authentic. To make my LP more concrete I could reformulate it like this for example (but I am not sure about it): - giving people blissful spiritual experiences to make them more loving and conscious. - finding existential beauty and meaning in fucked up situations to make people more hopeful So with all of this I have no clear direction of where to go and I found out new things about myself/ unblock blockades and this is probably going on for months and years to come. All ways would help me move forwards. If I study to become a teacher that would be an acceptable path which would allow me to do lots of other stuff (LP) I am interested in as well but then I could never study to become a serious actor because I would be too old at this point. I would need to become more clear about myself and my values to see what I value most. A side thought is also to experiment with start ups (for money) as I have lots of ideas for them. Right now I am thinking of continue studying while giving myself time to process and I can on the side apply to acting schools. Chances of getting accepted are pretty low anyways and if I get accepted that would be a sign that I am quite talented. Design ohne Titel.pdf

Tried the mustache. It seemed like an epic fail at first... let it be for some hours, now it only seems like a medium fail. It probably works for this guy because of certain proportions and stuff. Here is what I know. I benefit a lot from at least 3mm at the jaw. My mustache looks better at 3mm or more. The itself beard on my chin looks bad when it is longer then 2mm BUT it gives my face a better shape. Below the chin 1mm looks best. It looks a bit better better when the beard of my jaw has the same length or is shorter then my chin beard. Maybe I can find a way to make my chin beard look clean at 3mm+ , that would be ideal -- I just looked at chin beards at the internet for inapiration and they all look like shit, meaning they don't look clean. I don't think it's possible to get everything done at once. You have to know what your priorities are basically. Just looked at my beard again. It actually looks clean and good but trimming my jaw so much is a big opportunity cost, as it looks way more shapely with a few mm. I need it just so much to be visible. I think thats my priority and I can go from there. Its a bit unfortunate because most artistic beards seem to work with shaved jaw.

I notice that whenever I don't do something social, I am falling out of social state. A 1 on 1 body doubling session is perfect just for that as I do meet a complete stranger in a positive environement which is quite a lot more demanding then many other social tasks. But it's clear that it is only about being productive so there is basically no need to maintain that connection or anything like which is perfect. Emerald on the forum said shared some insight about this matter. And I do notice the same thing. When I am comforted in a social state I can let go of socializing from a higher state. Not from below but from above. I could socialize, I am in that state but I choose not to instead but feeling all weird from not socializing enough and then not being able to tell the difference between fear of socializing and not wanting to socialize. Being in a social state gives you such comfort. It's a big fear eradicated from your mind as long as you are in a social state. I wonder why people loose their social state at all. I think socializing just isn't really how we are authentically so when we are on our own our authenticity deconstructs the social state. So the social state is also painful in a way as it undermines our authentic self. So there is a tradeoff. However a balance that fits oneself better can be achieved. In my case I get in touch with socializing through this while keeping much of my authenticity. ____ Visited my parents for two days. Talked a bit about feelings about the club I left and all that. Got me thinking about how fair I was with giving the leader of the club all the load of shit I went through at once. He was very supportive in some ways but also irresponsible in other ways. But he really tried. And the other shit wasn't his fault per se , but where else could I ever let go of steam. Got me thinking if I was fair to the other people in the club. It was such a subtle form of collective corruption most of the time that my response does make sense I feel. I do have problems to go in conflict so when I do there was likely a good reason for it. And my feelings are were evident of something being wrong. But maybe I overdid it also. I took so much inner conflict for all this time, I wanted it to come off as a fuck-off a bit, even though I might not really admit that to myself. But that this element is also baked into it makes me think that maybe there was some kind of trauma response in me, which doesnt have to do with the club itself. Thats why I would like to the leader of the club or someone but its very difficult.

Gosh...

lol, Owen Cook the devil. (https://frankyang.wtf/photo)

Frank Yang has great style!

Its a bit vintage and artistic but childish as fuck. But to each their own, maybe I just dont understand.

I am just wondering if you are addicted to real spirituality or a sweet idea or idealized goal of what a spiritual archievement would be like. If you are addicted to real spirituality, well its hard to imagine that this would lead to suffering.. I get of course that it can make you less capable and compedetive in other areas of your live but isnt the pursuit itself radiating a sense of importance or beauty?

I cant decide if this is a piece of shit in his face or the coolest beard ever. I gues thats what competition can be on a high level, winning or loosing big. I dont have the fullness of the beard below the mustache but I will give it a try as well.

Added a sizor for cutting hair and cut a little. I didnt really get the pony right and I look just a little retarded. I am gonna master that as well!

I feel emotional again and this time I dont really know where its coming from, like if there is an actual reason for it or still just what acting stirred up. Acting augh.

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I really like this post on the Blog https://www.actualized.org/insights/the-distinction-of-real-spirituality I realized that I already try to understand everything I come in contact with from a higher perspective: fashion, acting, politics, masculine, feminine, ... interestingly enough also Jui Jutsu. I did it as a kid and there is something to Jui Jutsu in particular which makes you question it from a higher perspective. Its not like boxing, ringing or something like that, its clear that there is another element baked into it, yet you cant really grasp it, but if you did all of this would come so much more naturally.. Anyway for spirituality I have got a few approaches but I dont think I really nailed it yet. I also dont know if its allowed to write my thoughts about it here.

I find it intriging how music can convey certain things other mediums cant. Like whats baked in there metaphysically that this piece pretty universally at least among humans conveys the sense of the sublime, infinity, god? Hows that possible? What are the limits to that?

I still have emotional fuzz today. This is often the case in acting that from bullshitting in acting there is a lot processing going on afterwards but you dont really know where the emotions are coming from as they were made up. You also sacrifice certain healthy instincts to make acting work, you deliberetly unground yourself. In nomal non-acting interaction and conflict people often act from a place of groundedness, they unconsciously feel into what authentic to them or what they want to show off and that act from that place. For people who are into acting its a little different, they sacrificed this grounded base and turned it into a clay of bullshit which can be formed accordingly. It gives new options, but its also a bluff.

The smile of this dude still haunts me. I mean its a really great smile, I give him that, but its obviously fake built into this choreographed gesture. Compare that with a fake smile of Donald Trump who cant hide his demons, this is night and day. He still seems immature and pure, wanting the fame badly, not having suffered a lot from the pursuit.

At impro acting today we played more games which involved emotions directly. Most games were more about story telling first acting second, now its the other way around and I feel much more alive. We discovered a list of tons of emotions we could play which was a complete games changer from our previous love, hate, disgust, anger selection. Interestingly all the lines and acting falls much more naturally to me when the emotion is given, rather then the objective. It was also very different because the guy who is at the festival didnt come and he was a bit the soul of that whole thing, so the whole group dynamic needed to adjust a little and it felt a bit like the old days half a year ago or so, when I came a few times. Made a little bike ride afterwards but forgot my headphones so that was hardcore solitude. I mean it was cool as well but the chill music yesterday really made it perfect, relaxing but still just a little stimulation. Now at home I have a hard time coming down. I think just opening up to the emotions there really got me all fissled up. Good acting which involves lots of emotions gets you fissled up and with adhd its harder to get to normal again. Thats just part of acting in theatre, cant blame my old club for that.

I just realized the secret behind styling blue. Blue by default has all these attributes: conformist, boring, a bit childish. So you have to wear blue clothes which have interesting shapes and material. Like cord, leather, baggy and maybe with some extra detail. The first one is a good example, without the baggy shape and detail it would look as boring and conformist as it gets but with the detail everything changes.

Just cut my own hair. 🥳🥳🥳 Kinda messed up, as I didnt get what my hairstyle was. On my right side I didnt have a fade really, it was something else and I cut right over that with 9mm. The transition between top hair and sides isnt really a transition as well, its more of a cutoff. BUT!!! my sides look a lot better, I personally feel I look much more attractive. And that was pretty easy. Its only the first time, I am going to master this. If I do it 100% on my own, it saves me about 30 Euros a month and I dont think my haircut is that complicated.