Atb210201

@catcat69123 this was last week with my 3 gr mushrooms trip first I went into the trip with the intention of letting go of any attachment I have to my personality and the self I created and it worked as soon as the mushrooms started to hit I was watching Leo's video on what is death and how immortality works then I stopped the video and told myself come on what are you doing close your eyes and just let yourself be and so I did that exactly and it actually worked I started becoming aware of god and I went so deep into it that in one moment I was aware of how I was moving my fingers and I was creating that then I became aware of everything being imaginary and the product of my own imagination and that was the exact time when I got scared I freaked out and came back to my body this awareness just freaked me out and I didn't want to accept it I don't know why but it scared me and then it became a bad trip and hell for me but it was all good until that moment so yeah I don't know what to make of that yet maybe I was scared of my reality being wiped out and dying in the process so that's why I started getting paranoid and thinking what if I kill myself

I committed suicide before and I know I'm past that shit now but there is a deep fear in me that I'm capable of doing it again despite the fact that I know I wouldn't do that and I don't have any reason to do that but I'm afraid specially when I take psychedelics that if I get stuck in negative thought patterns I would kill myself it's a twisted shit and I haven't discovered how to deal with it yet I know it's stupid intellectually because I don't wanna do that but then again I'm afraid of doing it I would appreciate other perspectives on this situation

@NoSelfSelf But I felt more alive than ever just after that bad trip and it was amazing I surely would still do psychedelics but at lower doses cause it was just too much too handle

@Guillem12 Yeah I'm the same when I smoke weed like when I started smoking weed it wasn't like this I was enjoying myself more but I got freaky from time to time but now I just can't smoke weed with my friends anymore I feel like everybody is against me and feel anxious to deal with people so now I prefer to smoke alone but in that situation of me smoking alone if it's too much it can also make me paranoid and put me in some shitty path of thoughts but I trust myself more to have control there and can calm myself