Mixcoatl

Today I went to eat tacos for lunch and these guys at the restaurant played a very melancholic emotional song on the speakers that I instantly felt the emotion. I started to feel kind of sad, so I tried to find out where this emotion was occurring. Since I was at University I was very skeptical of the reductionist explanation of all qualia that happens to humans, therefore, the explanation of science that says that emotions are chemistry inside of the brain is related but not convincing for me at all. Going back to the experiment at the restaurant, I noticed that the feeling was the song as if they both were stick together but at the same time, the feeling was "in the air". This is just a small insight I had. I wanna know if you have had a similar insights regarding emotions and how I can do a good enquiry to realize the nature of emotions.

After years of thinking about what is the ultimate substance of the universe, I finally had this insight that everything necessarily has to be nothing... And it was thanks to the quantum field theory that suggests that fields are the most fundamental or simplest structure of existence which is crazy because if it is so, they must "remain in the nothing". You can't even imagine a "something" substance that is fundamental unless it remains in the nothing, unless it is nothing. If this ultimate substance (let's say X) is something, it is forced to be made out of anything more fundamental, therefore, X cannot be a fundamental substance. It applies for strings, space, fields or even consciousness. Anything that you can think is the more fundamental thing. For me, nothing is the most fundamental "thing". I love this insight but at the same time it feeds my nihilism and my sadness.

From my understanding, non existence is somehow the prerequisite for all of existence. There can't be a substance without the nothing. You can't reach the ultimate substance without thinking in the nothing. I think that's why many say everything = nothing. Physicists say "strings aren't made out of anything... Fields aren't made out of anything... These things are fundamental, there is nothing beyond that". Mystics say "reality is void... Reality is nothing" nothing is somehow necessary for existence. Limits always contradict themselves. Set theory paradoxes, for instance.

It is weird how in sober state I doubt a lot about what I've experienced with bufo alvarius but every time I smoke it again I come to this manifestation of God. In the past months I have been trying to convince myself when I am sober that everything is God without accepting that there is no need to do it when I already experienced it, more precise: When the experience of Everything has happened already. When I smoke bufo is not that I see God, I could describe it more like: only God can recognize itself and only God can know God and the experience happens to it. Then I come back from the trip but I, Mixcoatl, remember the experience that I try to deny with my logic. Today I smoked weed and I had the realization again but more like a flashback, remembering the experience and it was much easier for me to accept that God exists, something that usually doesn't happen. One day I was sitting at my terrace just starring at my dog and suddenly I had the same flaskback of being everything and in that precise moment I had no doubt of what was happening. Gura says in one of his videos that he is constantly aware that "this is God". I can't do it yet and honestly I don't think I need to pursue it, but it's confusing the feeling of denying something that I remember already happened.

Though I have had great insights with 5meo, like oneness and ego annihilation, I still don't feel that I have had an awakening. I am patient but persistent. I hope one day I can have such realizations.

One night I had a dream that someone shot me in my chest with a gun. I felt the bullet getting into my chest, I felt the pain, I felt the distress of my death and suddenly I woke up. Today is the day that I am still asking to myself If I really died that night.

Oh, I see!! This phrase you just have thrown makes me feel closer to the answer. The emotion is just arising in me, not precisely in my brain or body. Maybe that's why I can't locate it. I think you nailed it. The emotion is not necessarily stick together to the song as I could think. It is just appearing in The Field. I have a certainty: The emotion is happening, and that's already too much!!

Yes, definitely there must be a brain and some ears and some music in the game for the emotion to arise. Many will say "it is not located, perceptions occur without owner...". But that is not convincing. The damn song and my ears appear located. This is not happening to my cousin in Atlanta.

I mean, yes. I agree. But that is not precisely the answer I'm looking for. We all agree that every form appears without subject or without owner. I wanna know why when a song occurs, there's also a feeling and where it occurs. Is it the same as the song? Is it in the air? Is it in a body?

I am a very neurotic person, haha. And I always want to have the definitive answer to questions. In that attempt, I start to create explanations over explanations but the problem is that I get distracted from what I truly experienced with substances.

I'm planning a solo retreat in a cabin in the forest without drugs. I think this is one of the best methods

No judgement of the things that arise in the present moment help me a lot to have a significant approach to God but it's way more difficult. I'll take into consideration the advice.

But why I can find a chair?

I think there must be a sentient being around for the emotion to be raised but yes, it was not localized. I kind of believe that the emotion is just when a music-sentient-being system appears, emotions arise. Maybe all these things are mixed up in one homogeneous experience

I certainly felt emotional due to the song. But I couldn't find where this emotion was occurring. It didn't feel in the brain, nor in my body. It was more like the emotion was just occurring. I tried to find where it was happening and my first insight was that the music and the emotion were stick together. I felt that more real than feeling it in my brain.

There are rules at every level. Almighty power is paradoxical.

I believe in some science, that's how it works. I try not to believe in spiritual teachers or groups but sometimes I fail.

Neil DeGrasse: “We have to objectify science by removing the bias of human senses and human experience.” Also Neil DeGrasse: “We haven’t been able to understand what consciousness is.” I have the intuition that you will never understand consciousness if you take it away from the equation.

Accurate

This dark period is kinda never ending. Sometimes it is frustrating. That's exactly the reason why I keep on following this path. Maybe soon I will see the light.

This is the third time I’ve tried to read Spinoza’s "Ethics, Demonstrated in Geometrical Order". I’m drawn to it because of the way he constructs logical demonstrations of God. I enjoy philosophy, but every time I come back to this book, I end up feeling frustrated by how difficult it is to follow. In contrast, I find the arguments for God (especially the one proposed by Gura) in recent Actualized.org videos much easier to understand. Leo’s way of explaining things feels very clear and accessible. His language is more spontaneous, and he mixes in emotional expression, which makes the ideas easier to connect with. The real issue for me is that I often feel pressured to read philosophy books so I can jsutify my way of thinking during conversations. This way of thinking is simple, made out of insights that I have had during my life, but I feel people can think is not legitimate if it is not supported by authors. how can I stop giving a fuck about what others think about it?

A few yrs ago I came to the logical conclusion that there cannot exist anything that is unknown by a consciousness. Later, I confirmed this with experience and psychedelics but there are things that I'm not yet aware of. actualized.org are always mentioning that consciousness = nothing. I haven't realized that thing yet but I also don't want to blindly believe it. Rupert Spira says something like: "Consciousness is sneaky and impossible to grasp." Probably one have to accept first that it is impossible to understand these kind of things.

I'm astonished by the number of substances you've tested.

As I have been working with substances like LSD and bufo, one of the main challenges I continually encounter is how easy it is to construct belief systems and mistake them for truth. I spend a significant amount of time watching videos from various teachers and thinkers such as idealist philosophers and scientists, which has been valuable, as without them I might feel somewhat lost or disconnected. However, this is also where the problem arises. Each time I return from a bufo experience, I find myself trying to interpret what I experienced through the lens of what I’ve heard from these guides. In doing so, I sometimes attempt to convince myself that I’ve realized more than I actually have. At this point, there are certain insights from my experiences that feel undeniably true, while others, especially those described by some teachers, remain uncertain to me. Despite this, I notice a tendency in myself to want to believe them anyway. Because of this, I’m beginning to feel that it may be more beneficial to step back from external sources of guidance for a while and focus instead on forming my own understanding of truth based on direct experience. I’m not sure if this is the best approach for my development, because before listening to teachers, I couldn’t understand what was happening during my LSD experiences.

I was about to say the same. Some people (including myself, at times) feel a sense of comfort when they notice that others share and support the same ideas. I'm currently working on it.