Cathal

thats just the beginning

hey, you don't have to try to be compassionate and you don't have to try to forgive. don't abuse yourself like that, i would also write if you can see what i'm saying clearly, there is such an oppurtunity here. although i don't understand what the struggle is in your situation mentally, i can definitely project myself in this story and feel the disgust of it all. i have no idea what you should actually do, but maybe to reflect on for your mental health the thing is you just understand them -but not intellectually- because the problem is all of these feelings you're experiencing, they feel toxic. it feels like you are soaking up peoples behaviours, but who is the one experiencing that? are you absolutely sure what you feel is being caused totally by your parents actions? now ofc, that doesn't mean you don't do anything. but you just do what you think needs to be done, without judging them. that knowing is the right thing to do, because the moment you act from your judgments you lost, you caused yourself suffering and your parents. but maybe a part of you wants them to suffer more, or perhaps this part of you that has these feelings towards is also you? can you see how if you act from that desire to get revenge, to get a one up, to want to punish them, to hurt them is really truly just hurting you? but the pleasure is quite sweet lets be honest, from hurting the people that fucked up us.. but it is not the way you will find your freedom and forgiveness you truly desire. because the part of you that protects yourself and the part of you that knows he's just another fucked up human being is important. here you have a great oppurtunity to surrender your emotions, your self-image, your idea of who you are, your sense of being seperate to the knowing that allows you to act in a way that seems to contradict how you feel. TO KNOW that is not you, those emotions are not the truth, that resistance is not truth - if you can act from what you know is the right thing to do, is the path to compassion and i can say, that is the way out and the liberation you really truly want. not the pleasure from judging/comparing and acting on those. good luck with whatever you do, protect your sisters <3

a suicide attempt, an awakening, a 7 month dark night of pure agony and ending with a soft loving mindblowing change of experience and looking forward to 2022 to see how deep this really goes have a good 1 m8s

@EugeneTheSage you always have the will. you're just choosing to avoid feeling the negative feelings that are the obstacle to the things you want. true you may have entangeled yourself with drugs/food/games/having no friends or whatever, but you have to begin sometime. to stop avoiding negativity and start accepting it and letting yourself feel it, taking action despite how you feel is the only way to change yourself. deep down you know exactly what you want, but things arise. unpleasent things you avoid, that you identify to be true and get lost in them if you wait around for the 'right' feelings like motivation or pleasentness, you might be on your deathbed till you take the right step

^ what are your dreams? why do you dream of those things? courage is the conscious choice of using will to surrender to whatever arises (knowing it is not you and the source of your suffering) and no longer identify with the things you have attached yourself to, whatever comes up just is. you realized the futility in trying to do anything with what is other than let it go through completely surrendering to it. it is the actual dissolving of attachment it is necessary to pull yourself out the grave, how else but courage? to truly surrender to the fears/shame/dislikes/depression/sadness/anger is a lot of courage, the gateway into reward sure, it's not really reward like you will get a cookie but you will for sure feel what it is like to let go of heavy stuff, when you do it you will see how free you feel. letting go - david r hawkins, good book

when you have time, not working and without 'doing' anything - thinking, going somewhere, distraction, prior to the compulsion, not trying to meditate, not with anyone, how do you feel?

who is trying to fix who?

let yourself feel all of it, sink into all of it because it is just what is. the possibility of truly letting go will come if you can embrace the darkness just you would embrace love if it came to you, it is encompassing all of if that you will find a lot more stability, peace and presence it is the madman method but fuck it, it works- go as hard as you can into the mess and always know, it is not you, all comes to pass when there is no longer struggle for aversion/attachment/craving, to fully be with what is means there is no possibility of any of those poisons to ruin you avoid it and consequently you attach to it, glue yourself to it, be with it and feel it - accept it, don't try to do anything, the only effort is to try your best to make no effort to do anything and let it fuck you

this inner struggle is because you still haven't accepted what is still not rooted as consciousness, struggling with controlling what arises within. thoughts, emotions, sounds, taste, it just arises - is any of that you, and do you need to do anything about it? who is trying to change itself? but that is not what is, you were always soul/essence, you are getting confused - don't say, 'i am 'soul' for who is who now? you tryna butt the other guy out the way to make room for the bigger you, more sense of you, the new spiritual you, just more games that lead to suffering

why is it something you want to stop?

do longer meditation sits, go on a retreat, meet new people

why would pills help with letting go?

@KatiesKarma here's the difference between animals and humans. humans have both a physical and mental preservation, that's why we're so fucked in the head but yeah basically so a few people mentioned breathwork and i have to say that it poured so much out of me that i have to recommend it. you can join a zoom class, i used it a few times because the sharing and the group 'energy' and the music all played a part for me https://breathworkonline.com/flexible-date-free-breathwork-workshop-home/ the question not really to 'solve' the dissociation because that is just a consequence of the actual things you need to 'let go of/solve'. and there has to be also a very very very very developed understanding into how your mind functions and that 'sense of you' is not you, without realizing everyone is a mirror of you there is no room for you to allow yourself to FEEL the triggers of trauma so you keep them locked away, does that make sense? if you keep getting identified with how you feel and avoid the negativity such as anxiety/feeling judged or whatever the fuck, then there's no room for change and no direct insight. you stay in the realm of intellectual understanding that in the past you ran away from so chances are you are either unaware of how much trauma, which is a very broad term, did you have childhood issues, heartbroken by a partner, left to be homeless, bullied? there's ways of surfacing that shit up without doing anything but talking to someone you're attached to or you are and you haven't been able to find a method back into your body so, here's a few things to try; Tre - trauma realese exercise, it's like shaking ur legs, also watch the lectures by the guy who created it - Peter Levine Talk therapy - it's pretty important to have a good mirror, it is actually too important to ignore, especially for inner child breathwork - do the wim hoff method for a while, at least daily for a few weeks, and push yourself to get to 5 rounds at once or something - things will absolutely happen, holotropic too/shamanic/the link i sent is like the INTENSE catharsis, it is like a psychedelic trip psychedelics - this is a bit tricky for me to put here because while they are SO useful and without them i would probably just be ruthelessly suffering and never got introduced to spirituality, they are just as potentially not useful lol so it's entirely up to you (mushrooms specifically helped). the intent must be solid in stone, but it has helped, i have also done a lot of drugs like mdma/ketamine that gave me A LITTLE insight, such as i need to forgive someone and work on that more and so on and some catharsis but i don't think it was necessary. medication/ssris/benzos/anti-psychotics was useless meditation techniques - try yoga nidra, do hatha yoga, allow yourself at least like an hour a day to just SIT with it all, without 'doing anything' / zazen, it is going to be very unpleasant but it is important you can sit with this pain. also, oshos dynamic meditation. forgiveness!!! - metta, loving kindness. primal scream - go somewhere where you can scream so your lungs out. read the book letting go: pathway of surrender, that is probably where you should start. and end i know how much pain you are in, that absolute numbness, inability to enjoy anything, the lethargy and craving it to end. good luck, you will feel again

yes, i was dissociated for a very long time. it was unbearable, but i just kept working with the trust someday something will happen, it took months of catharsis and developing right understanding that just i remember i had this thought i was like, oh, i can feel my body. and it has ramped up to where i'm at now - now i feel very in my body and present, like i am just here, there is a stillness and ability to listen to what is arising in my awareness with a feeling of connectedness. i have become very sensitive to what is so freeze is just a response, dissociation, fight, flight whatever the fuck - it's all the same, there is something unresolved in the body, the issue is the one who is identified with the mind is so out of touch with the body they go on seeking relief endlessly, but never still the mind enough to listen to the body, which is why somatic experiencing/breathwork is so useful, because it just shuts it up for you. then healing can occur, because the intelligence of the body always just knows what to do - the problem is when you try to figure it out intellectually, then you always stay stuck in that trauma state of 'blockages' it is not about how hard you work, it's just doing the right thing which can happen spontaenously, like looking at a picture of you as a child can just burst open the floodgates of inner child wounds. consciousness is not split or disconnected, it is just awareness is so intensly contracted that you experience is as a deeply unbearable sense of seperateness and inability to connect - which you crave so badly, but never fulfill. dissociation is tricky, it was for me anyways, i just done about anything you can think of. i think it all added up, but definitely there is work. it all comes down to what is it preventing you from letting go

youarerad.org check that website out

no enlightened beings just enlightened action so how has your actions differed? that is all there is to it, you might have filled ur head up with so much spiritual shit but what do you actually do differently? that is the real measure

Can you elaborate on your deep breathing technique? I used to get that same kind of experience but doing holotropic breathwork

"The moment truth is asserted, it becomes false." Is the real truth to spread your truth exactly as you experienced or is there a deeper truth, that everything is as it is and has no need for you to assert your truth into it? If you actually care about helping people, go beyond your truth and see things more clearly and develop skillful action. Here's what I mean. A teacher has a disciple that wants to get closer to God, so he says fast for 2 weeks. 2 weeks later, the disciple comes back and says he hasn't eaten in 2 weeks, the teacher says 'congratulations I admire your devotion' The same day another guy walks up to the teacher and says 'I haven't eaten in 2 weeks' the teacher replies 'congratulations I admire your devotion' Can you see how retarded that is? You dont ASSERT your truth, because that is not truth. You do your best to meet people where they are at. That is real compassion, compassion is not asserted. Your desire to convert people to fulfill your needs is highly unethical and isn't helping you at all. You might have just become far too attached to your spiritual experiences and I don't think you shouldn't 'not care about it' but investigate the nest you built for yourself more clearly, 'who' is the one bothered by peoples dissapproval of its truth?

if you want real answers instead of validation seeking watch dominion on yt

I was journaling a bit and wanted to contemplate on my unmet needs and see if I am shitting myself on this unrealized 'desire' to transcend physical needs/desires like a good companion or partner. It actually became pretty clear that I had this subtle belief system that if I keep going 'harder' on spiritual practice, aka longer meditation sits, more yoga, more blabla psychedelics, retreats that I would somehow be able to transcend those needs I have because lets be honest who doesn't desire companionship? Most people say fuck it and get a dog because finding a good partner has failed them, another way of avoiding negative emotion no? Then realized it was a very clever way I failed to see that it was just another method of aversion, the fear of feeling unwanted/rejected/abandoned outweighed the seeking of partnership in ACTION and was kind of taken over by ego as 'do more of this and you won't need to face your fears' and holy shit it takes on the form in some nuerosis and dreams when I see it more clearly. Which I wonder how many of these belief systems might be going on and how deep does it run? I'm wondering if anyone has similar thoughts and what have you done about it? For sure it must interest you as these are great hindrances to spiritual development for everyone, I think I look too much at the traditional spirtual east sometimes and forget here in the west we are raped with conditioning/traumas right out of the womb and it's not something you can avoid, some get it harder than others

i think ur dancing to much with a more subtle version of the 'i' you are identified with, only another ego thinks it transcended itself - building a new sense of itself out of the experiences, that they are somehow better or more spiritual than before

just keep letting go, surrender to whatever is arising in your consciousness but stay firm and rooted in that you are consciousness and everything is arising within you - it is not you - no matter how vile and painful it is, letting go means doing nothing but let it be and it will go on its way

thanks that was a nice read for me

Everything seems to point as right view, understanding, action develops is inevitably that the way to actually transform the way we are conditioned, belief systems you are limited to, nuerosis, trauma etc -which is all experienced as the feeling of seperateness and your sense of 'I' fundamentally- is to surrender to the knowing/intuition of truth which consequently means surrendering to identification to all inner turmoil like anxiety, depression, apathy, pride, grief, anger, jealously, envy, self-pity, all the games we play with ourselves to avoid some kind of fear. Surrendering the pleasure of self-pity, surrendering the pleasure of feeling superior, not attaching yourself to those illusionary feelings that come up is hard but as you keep doing it the sense of self isn't a prison, the capacity of love opens up and the understanding of why people act the way they do transcends the reaction and reinforcment of your sense of seperateness There is absolutely no method of traditional spirituality that will transcend this, no kundalini, giving to charity, visualization, asanas, kriya, vipassana, psychedelics, dreams of giving ur guru a bj You want some pussy? too afraid to deal with the fear of rejection/shame/judgement to go straight up to a girl and ask her out? Spirituality wont help you brah You have a need to fulfill and a lot of emotions to surrender to, the way to LET GO of those emotions and purge it out of your body -so they don't completely limit your growth- is to surrender to them knowing they are not really you, allowing yourself to fully feel the shame, anxiety, worthlessness - they are just memory replaying itself over and over from what you got identified with from what other people have done this is just an advertisement for this book because it has been so fucking useful, it is all just surrender to God/Intuition/Knowing/Good/Love/Intelligence and let go of the pleasures of attachment

he is clearly spreading his experience of love for everyone to benefit from, this is inspiring all hail the cult leader