Matthi

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Everything posted by Matthi

  1. Hi, Right now I am stuck in a situation that seems unbearable and I don't know if I will be able to escape. So, three weeks ago I finally managed to move out from my parents house (I'm 25 years old now). Life there was unbearable and so my only thought was to get away, but I was severely traumatized from something that happened 10 years ago (and still am), to the point where I felt incapable of doing even normal tasks, and even if I managed to do them, they would stress me out so much that I barely had energy left after. I thought, when I finally would be away from my parents, and the rest of the family, who treated me like complete shit and tried to convince me everyday that I am a retard, everything will become so much easier. And than I finally managed to move out, without a job, via a Website called Habyt.com, which makes moving out very simple and doesn't require many documents (that I didn't have). So that's great. But I couldn't afford a whole appartement for myself on this site, but only a shared one (for three people total). And this was my mistake. Because I have extreme social anxiety, like really extreme. But when I got to the apartment, I was lucky because no one else was there. And then no one came in the first two weeks. And in these two weeks I was finally able to relax a bit for once. I mean, I was still in emotional pain, but now atleast I was alone and, I don't know, I just felt more free, and something in me felt relieved, despite the pain that was still there. It's like something somewhere in the background of my mind, that had been constantly there for a long time, disappeared. There was still much suffering, but not constant stress on top of that anymore. On the second day after moving out I texted my mom that I don't want to have contact to her or the rest of the family in any way until the end of March 2024. Later she called me on the phone and started crying and asked if she was ever gonna see me again. I promised her that she will. Doing this, and the phone call after, broke my heart. It still feels broken. But this was necessary, or I will go even more crazy, the way I was before. Anyway, it turned out, I still wasn't really able to do much, which was to be expected, since I only just had moved out. I didn't cook, because the thought was too stressful, so I went out to eat everyday. But usually I was too scared to go into a restaurant, so I just bought junk food at subway and McDonald's. Additionally I ate lots of candy. Lots of it. I also barely could sleep, which wasn't new, only this time it wasn't from the constant stress and fear of being in a toxic and abusive environment, but just from the overwhelming amount of hurtful emotions and thoughts. It still was much better than before though. But I still was suffering a lot and felt incapable of doing anything, and I still felt incapable to get a job. I should be able to last a few months, moneywise, but still. Eventually, because I couldn't think of anything else, I contacted a therapist. The session is next week, though I don't have any hopes in it. Anyway, here is the thing that destroyed me, which is that yesterday a new roommate showed up at my apartment, and now my social anxiety hit me at full force. All bit of peace and stress-lessness of the first two weeks has been blown away in an instant, as has the tiny bit of clear thinking I was capable of then. Now I'm a wreck. I am so scared of doing anything in the apartment. I am so scared to leave my room, because I might encounter my roommate. She probably thinks I'm a freak. Well, at least I think that. My body is so tensed up constantly. I don't know how long I can survive this. I have no idea what to do now, or how to escape this situation. Of course there is that appointment with that therapist next week, but honestly, he will probably turn out to be a narcissistic piece of shit like almost all other therapists I had the pleasure of meeting so far. So I don't really have much hope for that. And even if he turned out to be fine, then it would probably be too slow. Because I think even good therapy takes months and years to get really good results. But I can't wait that long. I am in extreme pain right now. I started meditating a few weeks ago, and I think it has a good effect on my mind while I do it, but again, it only has a small effect for a short period of time, and it will probably take months and years until it will really transform my mind. I will keep doing it, but it isn't enough right now. Because I won't survive multiple years in this state. I don't want to go to a psychiatry or something, because that's where much of my trauma comes from. About ten years ago, when I was 15, my parents sent me to a psychiatry for a total of about 3 months, because I wasn't obedient enough, and to convince me further of how I retarded I was and how I deserved punishment. When I got out of there, I didn't feel like myself anymore. Suddenly, I couldn't express my emotions anymore. I didn't cry anymore. Which also made the psychiatrists diagnose me as autistic, while completely denying my suffering. So, that's my experience with that. Okay, this is all I can think of to write for now. I'm sorry that this got so long. And I'm not even sure what my question is, other than maybe if you have some suggestion of what I can do now. But of course that's stupid of me to ask, because how the fuck are you supposed to know what I should do with my life? And on top of that, I will probably get offended by most responses to this, for varying reasons. But I wanna try anyways. So, that's it. Thanks for reading, and maybe for responding.
  2. Hi, I am a 23 year old man, have no job, and still live with my parents. I want to move out, but don't know how. I have extremely low self-esteem, and pretty bad social anxiety, to the point that I literally can't form a coherent sentence when in front of a stranger. Even while writing this post, I'm totally stressed out because I don't know how you guys will judge me . Since I can remember, my parents always told me I was retarded, because I was different from my siblings, and often times didn't do what they wanted me to do, and they regularly took me to different therapists to prove their point (By the way, when I talk about my parents, I mostly mean my dad, and my mom was just always agreeing with him). By the time I entered high school I already was barely able to socialize. And when I was 15, I had a mental breakdown and didn't have the energy to go to school anymore. So I stayed home for several months, while spending most of my time lying in my bed and watching random Youtube-Videos and playing Videogames. During this time my dad got furious. He came into my room every day just to tell me what a lazy, stupid piece of shit I was, and eventually I couldn't take it anymore, and started screaming at my parents, whenever they entered my room and even said a single word to me, to get the hell out. And I was screaming so loudly and pushing and punching them so harshly, that they actually listened sometimes. This went on for about three months, then one day, without warning, some doctor came into my room, and said, he would take me with him. I tried to resist at first, but he was stronger than me. So he and my parents drove me to a mental hospital. I stayed there for another three months. The people there were horrible and most of the doctors treated me like a retard. Some of them didn't even try to hide their feeling of superiority and power. When I came out of the hospital I was a psychological wreck. And worse than that, my parents had transformed into demons during my absence. They now treated me even worse than the people in the hospital, and my dad told me repeatedly, if I didn't do everything he told me to, they would send me right back. And fair enough, that happened. After a couple of months of following all the rules I was supposed to follow while getting increasingly angry at the inside, one day my parents wanted to play a board game with me, but I said no, not with my dad. He just said: "Okay then", and a week later they brought me right back to the mental hospital. At this point I was feeling so bad there, that I somehow actually managed to convince the doctors there to let me go (I don't know how that worked out). So they released me back home after about a week. By this point I was terrified of my parents, because they could send me back anytime they wanted to. They never did though. I went to school for a few weeks after this, but then started to stay at home again, because I couldn't handle it anymore. I never finished school to this day. At this point my parents just decided to treat me as a retard, that is incapable of doing anything on its own. And so basically since that moment till today, I live at home with my parents, doing almost nothing, except watching Youtube Videos and playing Videogames, and watching Videos about Personal Development from time to time. I also started meditating two months ago. Additionaly to this story, my parents also forced me to learn the piano since I was pretty young. I was really talented at it, but never felt really passionate about it. Shortly after I quit school, they signed me up at a University for Music, and I got accepted. I only lasted a year though, because it was too difficult for me. Now my parents want to sign me up for another sort of music-based school, but I don't want to go there. It would be a good opportunity to move out, since it's too far away from our home otherwise, but I don't want to move out on my parents' terms. I want to create my own life, but again, have no idea how to do that. The only skill I can offer right now is playing the piano, but I'm quite tired of that, and it makes me feel anxious. So, yeah, sorry for that long post; I didn't plan on sharing my whole life story, but it kinda happened. Also sorry if it's all over the place, but I have a very confused and chaotic mind right now, and that's the best I can do at this moment. Still, I would be greatful if anyone of you has some tips that could help me out of this mess . Thanks for reading this!
  3. @Blackhawk That's okay, thank you for your concern
  4. @mememe Yes, of course you are right. Seeing a therapist is really a obvious step to solve my current problem. Once I got out of the mental hospital I was just scared to death of everyone that was a part of the mental health system, but that's of course a irrational fear. I am now searching for a therapist that will help to guide me through the steps I will have to take next. Thank you for convincing me to finally do this!
  5. Thank you for your replies, they help me a lot I want to add that yesterday I was in a pretty depressed mood, and so I painted a quite dark and depressing picture in my story. And while my situation is difficult, it's not hopeless, and I already feel better today. I am pretty sure that there aren't any irreversible consequences. After I got out of the hospital I was extremely emotionally suppressed and still am, but I am positive I will be able to let that go in the future. I don't feel inherently damaged, just traumatised and scared, and unwilling to accept what happened. Also, they forced me to take some pills, but as far as I can remember, they didn't make me feel different at all, atleast not consciously. That's a good idea, though I couldn't find something like this so far. But I think I might be able to live alone, since it seems to be mostly the current environment that pulls me down. I remember a few times where I took a small trip to a nearby city by myself for a few hours, to get away from home for a bit, and suddenly my mind cleared up a lot, and even my social anxiety wasn't as bad anymore, but when I got back home, my mind closed down again almost immediately.