Gianna

LOL! Okay, so this one is funny and ironic but kind of embarrassing. heheh. Throwing it back to 2009 with Disney. So, this morning someone told me to never give up on Love and Hope. It was a nice reminder because I was loosing my grip on it. Then, I went to the store to get almond milk and this song started playing but I didn't notice it until I did (it was kind of low-volume). I started to hear the lyrics for what they were which I don't usually do when I am grocery shopping, you know? And with everything going on with me right now I really feel like my spirit guides were trying to send me a message. hahaha. So I am making it my SOTD:

I'm considering filing a restraining order against my ex. Except I know I probably won't because that's so extreme. But he will not get out of my life no matter how hard I try. We ended things on good terms. Maybe that's why he won't stop bothering me– because he thinks it's okay! Well, it is not okay and I have made that clear multiple times. I have asked directly multiple, multiple, multiple times for him to exit my life and STAY exited. No contact. No, nothing. Just absence and moving on!! When he refuses to respect my boundaries (which he alwayssss does and why we even broke up) I block him on everything. Phone, well I guess that's it because he doesn't have social media. When I block him on the phone he emails me. When I block him on the email, he creates a new email and writes me. He reaches out to my family on venmo. I had to block him on venmo. It's been 3 years (sometimes more intense than others). He WON'T STOP. He won't move on, he won't find someone else despite my attempt to set him up with someone else– very hot girl. He's a handsome guy I don't understand? He has a LOT of judgement so he probably just can't find someone he can't judge. But it is getting unbearable for me. I yell inside my head that he makes me want to shoot myself. I know that is awful to even think but it's literally how he makes me feel. I'm kind of a passive person but I've been VERY aggressive with him. I've even said some awful things like calling him pathetic which I shouldn't have done. But I feel strangled by him!?!? He won't leave me alone!!! No matter what I do, how serious I get, how hard I try. I've begged him. I've shamed him. I've blocked him. I've name-called him. I've told him I was with someone. I feel like I've tried everything? Unless you guys can think of anything else? Lol, I know name-calling isn't a solution but my point is that he literally doesn't care. He just doesn't find me threatening although I've said threatening things. I don't know what to do. Normally, I just put my focus somewhere else and literally don't even pay attention to it which is how I have lasted so long. But this is kind of just avoidance? It's not really solving the issue. I know it's partially my own fault because I can't stay consistent myself. After like, maybe 3 months or so typically? I'll fall back into friendliness. That's it. Just like the casual how are you and blah blah blah. 3 months is a long time to have like an emotional reset, you know? But I know this just opens the door right back up to abuse. So idk wtf is wrong with me. I guess I just figure he will stop? But he doesn't. I don't have hate in my heart. At least not enough to stay consistent with the aggression and the shaming and whatever other strategy I use to get him to stop. Essentially, my aggression does not last as long as his persistence. I think that is the root issue! I need to learn persistence and consistency to the MAXIMUM. Here are some questions I have for you guys: What are your guys' strategies for staying consistent? What is the psychology of this kind of psychopath? It kind of hurts my feelings that he doesn't respect me enough to not torture me. It comes off like he literally doesn't care about me at all. He must not if he is doing this to me. And it really hurts my feelings because we had such a deep relationship before. Any advice on these feelings?

@Tudo I care about him and I know he is struggling. The behavior just shows that he is suffering. So I send him my love from afar. This doesn't mean I tell him about it, lead him on, or reject him. He doesn't even know that I do it.

Ohhh hey! Hahaha. That's a good point

Did you feel hurt by her not being there for you?

No just different emails. But I am going to do a police warning (like @Seed mentioned) before doing a restraining order. I also am going to work through my emotions because this is how it goes: he violates me and I get angry/enraged (like I was last night) and then after the storm settles I feel intense guilt and shame (like I feel today) I need to work through these emotions, while staying strong. After an outburst like last night he is usually good at staying away for awhile. We will see what happens and if it results to this ^^.

@Preety_India How long did it take? @mandyjw Wow, this is incredible. I will definitely be practicing that. And your entire post just completely nailed it. That's exactly everything that's going on. With him, with me. Why it goes in a circle. Because there's like this desperation from him and this intense guilt and shame and responsibility from me. But the times where I get desperate (desperate for emotional resolve) he turns away and won't work with me for any kind of resolve. It breaks me down but I know it is breaking him down as well. I have loved from afar. The times I don't talk to him, I write him letters sending my love (but I just keep them in my drawer I don't send them obviously). But I don't know if this has any impact on him because the neurosis is still there. I will definitely be trying this technique. Thank you for sharing

@Jacob Morres Well, he is a hard core materialist/naive realist so we have opposing values. It would be a frustrating relationship– I think– for the both of us. Better to move on. @Seed Genius! Thank you <3 Actually, he's the one that ended the relationship.. and he doesn't want to be in one either so that confuses the fuck out of me because he does come off like he loves me. But it doesn't matter because I've grown out of him after these 3 years. Also– to what's in bold– I want to believe that for myself so bad. But my feelings tell me the opposite: that I am a terrible person. I know we both have a lot of trauma. But guys bottle stuff up.. I HATE that because it makes me want to burst in tears. Like, let's just open up to each other and talk about it and find some kind of resolve?

This is definitely my area of focus right now. The signs all around me are telling me to have discernment. What I need to have discernment about is where I place my energy (family, friends, lovers, work). It's just hard when my natural inclination is to be an open space. But I don't think I can self-actualize without incorporating these traits..

Yes. This definitely has a lot to do with my struggle. I am neurotic for understanding. This is why, this: is like the most accurate description of my behavior. And a part of the reason why I respond after awhile. It's because I want to logically understand what's going on. I can't be stuck in a pattern like this and not understand it. But I guess it's not logical or rational.. as @Javfly33 mentions. It really does feel like an OCD type situation for him which makes me feel sick to my stomach in empathy. But he also mistreats me, sexualizes me, and violates my boundaries. It's a really difficult, hard, and confusing situation to handle. Because I want to help him so bad. But after this long and so many attempts, the failure is just internalizing inside of me. It's like I'm getting rejected over and over and over and over again. He doesn't want a relationship, he just wants someone to comfort him and his needs. Which I understand.. but he doesn't make changes. He won't even help himself. But then again, he doesn't think he needs to... I know, but it's just hard because the same thing happens over and over again. I feel like there's no room for growth or understanding from him. He doesn't make changes to his life. Like all of my attempts to help him, just miserably fail. And it does hurt my heart because I care about him almost as if he were my son or something. But it also drives me insane.. I definitely feel the resistance. Thanks for reminding me.. <3

Thanks Leo. And also.. For whatever reason this line reminds me of your 100% commitment rule (on your LP course I think). I am going to commit, not 99.9999%,but 100% to not responding!!! No wiggle room. I will not respond. I will not respond. It sounds easy. But like I said, 3 months is a long time to have an emotional reset especially when you're into personal development, growth, meditation, and spirituality. haha. By that time, I am so moved on I just don't care and think that I can handle it or be above it or something? But I am not going to fall into this trap not one more time. This dude will never change. It's not even like I want him or need him to, it's just that I'm stupid in believing that he'll stop abusing me. Ugh!! Anyway, thanks again.

Week 11 Recovering a Sense of Autonomy The Zen of Sports "exercise: the act of bringing into play or realizing in action." Most blocked creatives are cerebral beings. We think of what we want to do but can't. Early in recovery, we next think of all the things we want to do but don't. In order to effect a real recovery, the creative needs to move out of her/his head and into the body. Creativity requires action and part of that action must be physical. This step requires acceptance. It is one of the pitfalls of westerners adopting eastern mediation to bliss out and render ourselves high but dysfunctional. We lose our grounding, and with it, our capacity to act in the world– we render ourselves unconscious in a new way. Exercise combats dysfunctional spirituality. Walking is a moving meditation. Any act of motion that puts you into The Now is a moving meditation. They help us to stop spinning. 20 minutes a day is sufficient. The goal is to connect to a world outside of us, to lose the obsessive self-focus of self-exploration and simply, explore. When the self is focused on other, the self often comes into more accurate focus. the fitness of your spirit sets the tone for the day. move for perspective. Rhythmic repetitive action transfers the locus of the brain's energy from logic to the artistic hemisphere. It is there that inspiration breaks through the constrains of logic. You find answers in movement. movement gives you a sense of not only motion, but also the motion of God through you and through the universe. Exercise teaches the rewards of process. It teaches the sense of satisfaction over small tasks well done. Learned creative patience has to do with connecting to a sense of universal creativity. When your mind shuts off– through focused movement– the rationality switches off. Art is not rational, it's magical. Focused movement reduces you to feeling. Moments of intense feeling teaches you to be aware of other moments in your life when they occur. As an artist, walking offers sensory saturation; in a sense, insight follows from sight. Gather visual delight as if you are gathering nuts and berries. We learn by going where we have to go. Doing what we have to do. Exercise often takes us from self-pity to self-respect; from questions to answers and stagnation to inspiration. We learn that we are stronger than we thought when we move. We learn new perspective. Building Your Artistic Altar It is easier to tap into your inner resources when you have a centering ritual– like morning pages. Morning pages are a meditation. A spiritual room or corner helps facilitate centering rituals. Fill your spiritual corner with pictures or things that make you happy– an artist's altar should be a sensory experience. Some examples of small rituals, self-devised, could be: burning incense as you say (or write) your affirmations dancing to music lighting a candle while you do your morning pages holding a rock while you do breath-work etc. tactile, physical techniques enhance spiritual growth. the artistic child speaks the language of the soul: music, dance, scent, shells.. your artistic altar should be fun, even silly.

Trauma gets passed down from generation to generation. But it is never the same but always the opposite. It's like the weaving of contrast throughout your family lineage. My mom's trauma is abandonment which is why mine is enmeshment. Every reaction has an action that leads to another reaction. Your trauma. It is all linked, like an infinite chain throughout our lives. Until we all wake up.

Oh my gosh I love you so much. Your response brought me to tears. And you are right. I need to take this SERIOUSLY. I mean, I have been taking it seriously but I have not been seriously consistent with being SERIOUS. Because I underestimate people. I don't see the lengths that they can go. But what you say here: REALLY wakes me up. To treat this like it is My Life!!! Because what you say here (↑) is exactly what is happening to me. I have never had suicidal thoughts before this. But when I say he makes me want to shoot myself, I am not kidding that that is the kind of pain he brings me. I can totally see how internalizing all of this can lead to self-hate, harm, and a bunch of other things. How emotional abuse and hate can rot slowly yet fatally within you. I'm happy I actually went through with making this post. Thank you for responding with everything you said. It is a huge wake up call for me. I need to put MYSELF first. Oh and THIS: This brings me so much clarity. Because that is exactly what I am trying to do. I am trying to help him be a man. But now I see, I cannot help him be a man. Only he can do that. Thank you again <3

I just don't understand why he can't find someone else. Maybe I am an easy target? During the friendly phases, I encourage him to go out. To meet someone. To sleep with a million girls to get whatever his issue is, dealt with. I've tried introducing him to pick up because I've read about it on the forum. I tell him I will literally go out with him and wing-woman him so he can get a girl. I've tried setting him up with a girl. These are my 'friendly-phase' strategies that I use to get him to move on. I vacillate between these friendly strategies and the not so friendly strategies (aggression) I DONT UNDERSTAND.

@CultivateLove LOL

To me, consciousness = clarity. Understanding can give you clarity, sure. But when I say 'clarity' it goes for all aspects of perception–not just the mind. It goes for sight, sound, taste, smell, touch, emotion, thoughts, everything. Raising these things means raising your consciousness. Here are some more words that describe high consciousness: Clarity, definition, discernment, lucidity, understanding, feeling, connectedness, holism, awareness, systems think, openness, willingness, Spirit, Love, knowing thyself, imagination, expression, allowing.

This is beautiful.

this is everything. @Thought Art you are amazing for starting this post.

Hahahaha. Depends on the girl. And on the intention. But I think it's a lotttt better than fat. Lol.

Neverrrrrrr call a girl fat no matter what the circumstance is. LOL.

Jonathan (my naive realist), If we bring it back all the way to the beginning– to the Big Bang– what we will find is where we are now. The state of superposition. Have you thought about this? Ever since the Big Bang, the only thing that has ever existed is superposition. The existence of all potential realities reside in superposition. Isn't that beautiful? Everything already exists. Everything that could exist already does exist, in the state of superposition! It just takes an observer to "match it" or to "walk into it" in order for it to collapse into reality. Physical reality, that is. Because, again, it already exists in the reality of superposition. The mistake is to think that this 'superposition' happens outside of you. It doesn't. It happens inside of you and simultaneously all around you. This is because you ARE superposition itself. You are both the collapsing of reality and the imagination of it. In other words, you are both the observer and everything that is observed. Think about it like this: Some people might think that God is Reality. Other people might think that God created reality. But the truth is that God is both the Creator and everything that is created. God is everything, everyone, and everywhere– simultaneously. This is also true for superposition and therefore it is true of you. You are both the dreamer and everything that is dreamed. Nothing can happen outside of superposition because superposition is the only thing that is happening. Look at yourself. You are the only thing that is happening. You are the only thing you have ever experienced. Right? If you think you have experienced something outside of you, just ask yourself, "Where is this experience coming from?" It's coming from you! You are the source– the one and only source. Nothing can happen outside of you. If it could– or did– you would be aware of it. But you are only aware of you. You and your experience. But again, these things are one. Everything happens within you. Everything happens within superposition. The people who have a hard time understanding this are the people who struggle with powerlessness. It is the same reason why people have different orientations towards God– degrees of powerlessness. Some people just cannot even imagine– because of intense conditioning– that they themselves hold the kind of power that creates realities, like God. They can't imagine this because they have been convinced out of it by others (i.e. the powerlessness). But remember, You are the source that stems reality not the other way around. You can regain your power at any time because it has never left you. So you can decide to realize this power, or not. You can decide to use this power, or not. You can decide to believe whatever you want to believe, or not. And follow whatever you want to follow, or not. You can literally decide whatever you want because your power is choice in and of itself. Choice of whatever you want! You can choose to activate your superpostional powers if you want. Or you can choose to be solely the observer and discount the rest if you want. You can do whatever you want if you want. It's YOUR choice. It's YOUR power. It's YOUR dream. Superposition Superposition is equivalent to a dream because– in order to dream– you need both the dream and the dreamer. Again, you are both the observer and the experience of everything that is observed simultaneously. When you are in a dream you recognize your power– the power of choosing your reality. The only difference is that when you wake up, your powerlessness wakes up with you. The dream that you live is more solid than the dream that you sleep through because it has more condensed energy. So it fools you. It fools you into believing that you are subject to physicality. But everything is always energy. Everything is always imagination. Because everything is superposition. And superposition is energy acted by imagination. Know that whatever it is you want you can match by becoming its observer. In other words, when you match superposition, superposition matches you. When you become the observer, you become the observed. All you have to do is realize this. It's like lucid dreaming– all you have to do to lucid dream is to realize you are dreaming when you are dreaming. You just have to become aware of your dream in order to control it. It is the same with superposition. All you have to do is become aware of it. Look at everything in your experience right now and realize that it is also looking at you. Nothing is actually happening outside of you. Everything– including yourself– is happening within you. Within yourself. Nothing can happen outside of you (just like how nothing can happen outside of superposition, remember?). Check your experience right now. Have you ever been without yourself? Have you ever been outside of yourself? The answer is no. The answer is, even if you astral project on DMT you are still with yourself. Even when you die you are with yourself. You can never leave yourself. And you will never leave yourself. You are everything you experience including the experience itself. And your experience is superposition. Once you realize this truly, you will realize that the Big Bang never created superposition. But superposition created the Big Bang.

Your brain is no more the producer of consciousness as is your heart the producer of your feelings. Don't you see? Your body is operating completely separate from you but with you at the same time. Think about it like this: In order to work with someone, you work as two. It is in the definition of the word 'with'. But although you are working as two what you are producing is one. This is what is happening with your mind-body and you. You are working together as two to create the one that you are. When you are one you can't see yourself because you are it. It's not until you step outside of yourself that you can turn around and face yourself for the first time. It's a life-shattering experience because when you are looking at yourself, where you are standing disintegrates. What you thought you were dies and you merge into the being you've always felt. I want this for you. I want this for you so bad it hurts. It makes me cry watching you struggle. It makes me angry that you want to believe what's false but this quickly passes as I realize you are only trying your best. Living your best and loving your best. You are a good person Jonathan. But if you would just stop trying so hard you would feel your own stillness that has always been there. This stillness is you and what you are meant to create is your movement. Find yourself and then find your movement. We need your expression. We need your soul.

Good! Haha. And yeah right.. lol.

please do and yay! no problem.