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So this happened (and is still happening). This kid that is shy and starting to easily make friends while being authentic, and authentically reserved - I'll name him Y. Today was my birthday and I was overwhelmed with too many "happy birthday"s and it was hard to withstand the level of equanimity required to handle it. They joked a lot. I also became more friendly with Y and with R (which is a nice dude that I sometimes envy because of his strong presence and calmness). There is a lot that happened, and I might talk about it in more depth tomorrow but maybe not. I was feeling quite down because I was resisting and wasn't always feeling comfortable when people were jokingly singing happy birthday every time they saw me lol. No but for real I was also feeling kinda down. The thing is that towards the evening and at nighttime, I suddenly felt like I have more energy and I was more easy going. I don't know how this really happened. I was just genuinely talking with R. And also at night I gave a show playing my melodica while L (another roommate) was singing and it was nice. I also in general felt quite in the center at that time in general. It made me feel good. But this time it was different in the sense that I questioned whether this is something good. I might have been attached to this ideal image I was talking about and I became more of it, hence I felt good, attached. @Nahm About his last paragraph, is it a good thing that happened, that I felt good because I was in the center? I might feel worse afterwards. I've also read what you wrote, and I've been practicing getting into my senses and breath when overthinking too much, because ultimately, the reason why I'm overthinking is because I'm trying to solve something, to manage, to feel good, and sensing feels good. I need to read probably again what you wrote because I was planning replying to you and/or Eph7. Thanks for the support man. Tomorrow I'm going to Tzipori, and I'll meet a friend of mine there in a parallel camp in the evening probably. Until then, I have like 5 hours of sleep so I'm gone.

Please read this in order to understand the context of everything here: So I've been saying it a few times in this forum, but for whoever didn't get to hear - I'm leaving for a 6 month pre-military camp. This means I'm going to live with a bunch of people, traveling, learning about the country, moving a place every 3 weeks or so and I'm coming home once in 2 weeks. For you to understand the difference in lifestyle, the last few years I've been living so comfy hardly going to school (because I've finished some of the subjects already) and coming home to be so free to be on my laptop the whole day thinking about my life. I was living a fantasy, mostly in my head, thinking that one day all that and all the consuming of self-help videos will get me somewhere. Anyways, I drifted, so I'm leaving in a few hours to Jerusalem and about to start this journey. I will be using this journal to record the things which are happening in the camp, but mostly my thoughts and feelings to share with others and myself. This is quite a scary shift in lifestyle and I really think I'll need some support. I'm entering into an unknown territory, circumstances are changing and becoming more difficult to manage. I gotta get on track on my life. For that I have decided to get help from people here and decided that a wise decision would be getting coached, like with @Nahm. I will try my best to inform you about this whole journey. It came sooner than I expected, and my access to this forum and the internet and self help and whatever will be limited. Finding the freedom to just manage the basics of my life is foundational to having the freedom to direct my life in a great direction. Anyways, after all I'm just a guy behind a screen typing in some text, and will type text here and there, but my whole life is fucking changing right now and it's overwhelming a bit. I hope the best for myself.

You both say very similar things. @Nahm And how do I practically do the loving and not caring what people think and to stop comparing myself? Is it like Eph7 suggests, to just observe? @Eph75 The thing is that even tonight I kinda tried the experiment (maybe not, you tell me). I was feeling already so fucking drained and I had to go to some area, and some kids were talking and I was just standing kinda in a conversation and at the same time kinda not. But at some point it just felt weird to stand and not do nothing and not interact. I had to break it by either forcing myself in, like I always do, squeezing the little juice left it me, feeling fake, or, I somehow get out of the situation and escape (which happens less often, and when it does, it feels more relieving). For your last question, honestly I don't so know. It's been some time since I've felt it. Contemplating for a minute, I believe it's to accept (see and not judge) everything to the point where time ceases to exist for you and you open yourself to deeper emotions and the depths of challenging emotional situations with flow. By the way, this night, since I feel drained and tried to experience 'not faking it', my tone was very apathetic, and I don't know how good I feel about it. It still doesn't feel that pleasant, yet in some way it was a small release from having to to exhaust myself faking myself.

@Nahm @Eph75 Alright, I've read both of your comments a few times. I've tried practicing fully focusing on my breathing when I notice myself getting stuck in my head because ultimately I wanted to feel good. It worked for a bit but I then kept on with the conversations. I am putting on myself expectations and I am starting to feel shit. For some reason it's always at the nights that I feel very shit and drained, like Eph7 said, I hit the wall, exhausted from keeping up with this state. This is perhaps why it strongly hits at night. But today afternoon I actually had a great time and was laughing with others, the center of attention. But I was the center of attention for something stupid. And people were calling me stupid and weird. Even of they were joking I didn't really know how to respond in an empowering way. Like some guy called me something insulting (I didn't get insulted) as if it was normal and then continued to the conversation but I feel like I had to respond in a more assertive manner and not let people just walk on me. At this point it is hard for me to tell whether I'm authentic or not. My laughs seem and feel forced and I really don't like it. Sometimes I see myself do that in the mirror or on video and I just cringe. Anyway this roommate I was talking about before - he really seems to connect with others quite well at this point and I am really envying him and feelings of anger and hate rise. It is also becoming hard for me to connect to others and maintain those friendships. Even if it's 3 days I can't stand it, can't see how things will get better soon. I want to be friendly and that people will like me and things will be easy going. But I also really want to be authentic and more assertive. I am trying to push myself to be someone who I'm not but I can't not do that. You know what, I don't know. I don't have energy for people really and I had really fucking enough of this shit. Couldn't believe it would follow me even to the camp. People are building authentic friendships here while I'm forcing my presence, draining myself, and then it is ruining my relationships, and this really frustrates me. I just want to get to this way of living (like you both described, the more true authentic way). I had enough. I don't know what to do at that point. I'm trying my best. How am supposed to contact people

@Goldzilla like how?

Lately I've been making lot's of progress with my meditation, and I've become more and more authentic, sometimes too much that it drives me crazy. After 1 hour, even 30 minutes of Do Nothing I feel trippy. Should I keep at the meditation practice, or should I give myself a break?

So today I had my first day at camp. I was quite nervous before getting there, and when I got there I took a lift with another 2 girls from the camp and we got to the main bus, where everyone waited for us basically. I was surprised to see myself getting out of my comfort zone and I was greeting everyone hello. I even literally went seat by seat to say hello and recall the names and have small chats. I felt like quite a Chad. I heard from a girl after we got off that I'm very friendly. So since we're like 40-50 something kids overall in this camp, we are divided into 2 groups of like 20 something each, which we are going to travel with them for the entire 6 months. Here we are separating ways. The guides tolled us the groups at the beginning and I was very happy with the people I got. Later in the day we were divided yet again into two communions of like about 10-15 each, which is the most intimate group, but overall we will be mostly with the 20 something combined groups of both communions. The 5 kids I got to share a room with are very nice and glad I got them. Sensitive, compassionate, I don't feel intimidated by them (maybe 1 of them is less of all of that and usually smokes and shit but overall I believe he is good). A small problem I've faced today is that down feeling of after being very social for the whole day. In the evening it was becoming hard for me to keep up with the social energy and I didn't feel like pushing myself. Later we had a talk with the most intimate group, and perhaps there I discovered how to overcome this problem. At some point we talked about personal things, and also "one-on-one"s with random people, and I got to share my true thoughts and fears with one of my roommates. I told him about how the whole issue of the showers and sleeping and organization and basically how living together made me stress towards the night. He could relate and eventually things ran smoothly here. I hope things continue this way. I'll be living with them here for the next 4 days and I hope to grow somehow from all of that.

Hi, so for those of you who don't yet know that I'm leaving to a camp and changing my life, then here you go. I've wrote more about it right here: I just want to say a couple of words before I leave. @Leo Gura Thanks for being an incredible inspiration for my life. Your work has truly build me up to live deeper and handle life in a better way. I would argue that most of my ability to handle such life challenges are because of the teachings you spread. @Nahm I haven't gotten the opportunity to talk to you that much, but hopefully you can continue help me to bring myself closer to the light that I am and release myself from my own self. You truly understand what you're talking about and I'm sure many people would agree that you changed the life of many here. There are many other people who've helped me in the forum (those were just the ones that came up to mind quick), but there are others that I've got the chance to dm or even simply chat with on the forum. Anyways, I still hope to stay in touch with you all, even though you are all virtual relatively (like I don't know/see you in real life). I'm gonna miss this place. I'll see you later. Bye for now, and thanks a lot. ❤

@Thought Art Yeah, I'll try those sometimes when I have time. But I think I need to ease up a bit. I am sometimes feeling overwhelmingly free that if I continue for long enough, I might get into this psychosis state Frank Yang is at

@ted73104 Yes it is true. We are about to start our next phase of life that comes after high-school. Actually this isn't true. I don't even watch movies. Here is where I'm also nervous. Honestly man, I don't feel like having a long term relationship. I might be sounding like a jerk for saying it but my initial intent with this relationship was for experience's sake. And yet, I still seem to be affected by it. What do you mean?

I finished school while ago and I'm starting my pre-military 6 month camp in 2 days. But yeah, I really really don't want all this drama shit in my life. I just want to be free man. I want to focus on actualizing myself. But it's really hurting deep inside those life changes. I know all my grade classes (when I was at school) for at least 6 years, some even 12 years. We all live in this small town-village. I'm leaving my old lifestyle behind, the freedom of being a 12th grader and having life easy and could rely on parents. Everything is hitting me at once. The camp is already scaring me because it is a HUGE shift in lifestyle, and now I'm adding on top of that a relationship, like wtf?? I am really scared of a mental breakdown. It will kill me. I can see myself having a breakdown. I've been living very good for the last couple of months, maybe this is the potential suffering.

Hi, so as a preview, this is the girl I'm talking about, I'll name her N: Basically she is very into me - I know because I got many signals from her and heard from friends. She also seems like she is more open to sex than most others, I think. So we are planning to go for a walk in the fields and also have a small picnic. It has been a few days already that I've been contemplating this potential relationship, and maybe I could get some of your thoughts: Thing is, she is really into me. I'm very lucky to be in this position, and I'm still a virgin. On top of that, we are both going to our separate camps and so we will only be able to see each other once in like 2 weeks (this makes it less embarrassing because it means she won't be too much involved in my social life, and when we're together it will most likely be in private. And also, of I feel like breaking up then it will be easier since it could happen more naturally because of our long times separate during the week, and maybe she'll want more commitment. I have this backup and I'm lucky). Now the other thing is that I feel like she is not the one for me, meaning I don't find her really that attractive (although you could also argue that I haven't met her really yet. True, I'll see then). I get from her a bit masculine vibes, like she isn't that radiant and is quite monotone and dull in text, and not to womany for me. But as I was thinking about it, I thought: Why not? This could be for a great experience. I have a great opportunity and I might regret it if I don't take it. It will improve my skills. Hopefully I'll manage to get a first kiss and maybe even lose my virginity or something. I'm still nervous nonetheless, you know, the whole 'leading' thing and these small minutiae that might get me neurotic. Anyway, I'd really appreciate your thoughts about what I said, like what do you think about this approach? And also, if you have any advice for the first date it will be very helpful. Thanks

@something_else Kind of true, yeah, although I'm still a little into her, a little, for experience's sake mostly. Interesting point, although I am not really feeling all those emotions running through my mind like you said, perhaps not in my awareness.. But yeah, it was scary, but eventually when the kiss finally came - It was dull. I felt apathy, and still do, this is perhaps why I feel shit. I kissed for the sake of kissing rather than because I love her. I don't know if I honestly really want a relationship. Could be nice though to build experience, but man.. I'm scared of going through a mental breakdown.

@Spiral Thanks for the support and reassurance that it is ok. Feels good to read that. I've obviously finished the date and did already what you said. @something_else So yeah, we eventually got close in the bed like you said, trust me, but not like you said about making out already very quickly. Actually those things you guys said did kinda happen, like I did behave in those ways. But eventually I felt very terrible and drained after it. Just wrote a post about it if you're interested:

We planned on watching the movie but never have I explicitly said at her house, but it seemed as so. So I just asked her if we are then going to her house. She asked if I can at mine and tolled her I can't so she agreed at hers. Her family will be there though and we'll be at her room which makes me nervous and kind of puts the pressure on me as the guy. Actually, surprisingly she is shy and I am less but she seems like she could easily take part in the leading. This puts some odd pressure on me as the man. After this meeting, next times we'll be able to see each other is once in two weeks at most. So I am thinking maybe today I should escalate things fast and maybe she has the same in mind. Bro, why is this happening to me? There is no escape but I also don't want to escape

Dude I'm still very nervous since I'm leaving in like 30 minutes. I'm going to fetch her, go to the mall to get Frozen yogurt (our town is small so I might see some that I know) and then go to her house (she tolled me that her family is also at her house and so we'll be in her room (bruh, this is scary. This means we'll be in her bed).

What happened eventually?

are you fucking kidding me?

Same settings as last time, besides starting it at around 16:56. The reason for doing this session (yes, there is a reason) is because on Thursday I'm going camp and I won't be able to do it much there, thus I'm taking my final opportunity, which is why I wanted to make this a good session. Another reason is to "die" a bit so I can be more relaxed and authentic and easy going with my date (we will probably meet tomorrow) and the people at camp. I didn't eat much today and I thought this will help me to boost concentration and have better effects. I wasn't more concentrated and I got lost sometimes in thoughts. But I did make sure to always get back to breathing and to focus. I also got tired sometimes because I felt I'm overdoing it. There were times which were quite overwhelming for my brain to handle. All this oxygen, like I'm gonna faint. I was almost starting to whine and I was moving my body like I'm complaining. Bruh. Like I'm starting to question whether that's normal because I seem to be scared of the fainting rather than the images - and that's precisely because I haven't experienced any visuals yet from Shamanic Breathings. Until next time. Probably sometime during the camp, if I'll manage to make time for it

Wow thanks for the support guys! Anyways, I'm going to meat her again probably tomorrow at her house for a movie. This is getting me a bit nervous... Why is it so hard for god's sake! Doing moves is scary and confusing

this is fax, not only with relationships. Today I had my meeting with my camp (one full long day) in which we were kind of forced to meet each other because we didn't know each other that well, so we were constantly opening up and talking to new people. Your body and mind get used to this feel of seeing someone new and socializing, until you realize its actual fun, and you enjoy it - and that is more authentic. I can't say I was really authentic, but I was more loosened up after approaching many people.

Ok it was intense.

Fuck it. I had enough. I'm going to camp in like 10 days and I'm frustrated that I didn't manage to do as many Shamanic Breaths as I could. I'm going to eat a bit (didn't have breakfast yet) and then going to do a 30 minute session. I don't have time to start this gradual process of 15 minutes then 20, then 30 or so. I've done 15 minute sessions twice with a long period in between (and the second time wasn't even that serious). The reason I want to go now all in on 30 minutes is because I want to get those demons (you know what I mean, the negative bullshit) out of my psyche as quick as possible. Now I know that since it's quick and more intense it might be scary. I won't be surprised if it turns out to be a scary session, as long as it will help purify my psyche for the longer term. So the reason I asked this question in the title is for the case that it will be scary - How do I integrate it? Going to eat a bit, maybe visit this thread just before I do it. But I'm gonna do it, I've been postponing it for too long

Ok just did my 3rd session, my first 30 minutes Shamanic Breathing session. This one was quite intense after all. So the settings are the same as usual, besides it being around 16:45. (Jesus, my hands are trembling while typing this, and my back of the neck is hurting). Ok I made sure to stay focused and I tried to go as deep as possible (with my focus) "into it". As I was doing the breaths, it slowly felt like as if I'm going to faint (you know, this light feeling you have), and I was a bit scared of that. I still pushed forwards. It got to a point I was feeling like I could die and I tried to relax into it. Now let me clarify this bullshit of "relaxing into" this dying: At like 2 points I was whining like a little child crying for help (in my head, it showed in my breathing, like I was crying for help almost), and I still continued. There were maybe like 2-3 times that I had to slow down my breathing because, damn, it was hard for my body a bit but it was mostly because I felt it is hurting my physical hands. But I believe that it was an automatic response of my mind as well because maybe it didn't want me fainting here lol. At those moments that I experienced like I'm dying - it is like being in fear. Being in fear. For one of the first times in my life I remember what it means to fear. Most of my life I just try to escape fear. Being with this fear is something I've probably experienced as a child more often, thus I recalled that feeling for like one of the first times in my life. It is very obvious for me that this death = freedom. It is the ultimate freedom. It really humbled me, and showed me that I have a lot of work. But I'm so damn happy I know what I need to do - To practice surrendering more to death! To die into things! This is how I'm gonna be fearless and build strong confidence and do amazing things in life like I see other people do, to live from my heart!! Close to the end I believe I got a really tiny glimpse (because it probably involved some thinking) of death. Maybe not, but I was for a moment imagining how it would be if I were dead now (still aware, no fantasies, but I did have some of this 'deathly vibe' to be able to imagine it more clearly). I don't so remember what I experienced though. If I felt like a child whining crying for help while crumbling into my own breath (dying) while feeling this current in my body - I must fight the enemy! I am a warrior on a mission to fight the enemy! Who am I kidding lmao, as if I didn't know this all this time?? Ever since I was a child I had this intuition that one day I'll fight the ultimate enemy and be free, just that I never really knew what it means. And then I'd be shocked because I'd discover that - The ultimate enemy is me. And it will be the hardest battle ever, but it will lead to ultimate freedom - Death. (By the way I didn't have any visuals or any illusory thing)

Holy shit, I'm most likely to go on a date with her. This makes things even more scary..