fopylo

@Nahm @Nahm The thing is that wants change over time, so since the dreamboard is always next to me and I can see everything I wrote, should I erase the wants I no longer want?@EmptyVase Then what was the fucking point lol. Aren't you supposed to keep your dream board?

@Nahm But you do suggest I write it by hand (pen & paper) rather than on a note on my phone, right? What do you mean?? What if I write something specific but then after a few minutes change my mind? Also, instead of 'a girlfriend' could I just write 'girlfriend'?

@Nahm I'm leaving tomorrow to camp for another 2 weeks. I don't have a dry erase board at home. All I'm taking with me is my phone, although I still have a pen with me and I believe I could easily find a piece of paper. So what now? Oh, I get it. So to just write down anything I want regardless of the emotion I'm experiencing (meaning, without it having to necessary be the emotion of positive belief). Should I write each time "I want ___"? I have a speculation (I'll anyways try it out): Since I'm becoming more aware of what I want, I'll develop an instinct for knowing what I want, and I'll therefore be more clear, decisive, and truthful to myself. Since the focus is on "what I want" I may develop greater emotional understanding depending on what I want. I'll try not to think about it much though

@Nahm And in it I just write anything that pops to mind that I want... But what if it's just a quick thought of something I want for this moment which then goes away in seconds? And what if it's a long term goal? What if it is something I want out of jealousy? What if it involves other? What is the criteria? So then how could a dream bored help me in my life?

@Nahm Even though you haven't read the book I know that your understanding on this is great. Perhaps you could help me with the question of how do I find what I want? (and maybe you could add some wisdom of why it's important to know and note what you want...) thanks

@Nahm I would like to know what you think about it as well: So you start from the lowest emotions - fear, despair. Then you become insecure about the fear, despair. Then you become jealous of others because of your insecurity. Then you start hating your jealousy and you can get into a rage. Then you are angry from all this hate. Then you are discouraged already from all this anger. Then you want to blame someone or a situation from all this discouragement. Then, because that you blame alot, you worry because of all the blaming you believe to be true. You worry about your blames. Then, all this worry gets you to doubt yourself, someone or a situation. You doubt your worry. Then you become disappointed from doubting a lot. Then you become overwhelmed from disappointments. Disappointments about stuff you realize you can't do, can't achieve, and it overwhelms you. Then you get frustrated from all this overwhelment. Then you become pessimistic from all your frustrations, irritations, and impatience. Then you become bored already from all those pessimistic thoughts. Then you become ok (content) with this boredom. Then you become hopeful with this contentment. You begin to sense inspiration. Then you have a positive expectation/belief from/about this general inspiration that this moment brings. Positive expectations arise to those hopes. Then you get enthusiastic about your positive expectation you have, especially when you start having more positive expectations that build on each other. Then you become passionate about/from all this eagerness, excitement, enthusiasm. And then you become joyful from this passion you have. All this passion brings you to love this passion, appreciate it, feel the freedom it gives you. Basically this model I've tried to create is about showing how the emotions play meta on each other. How actually each emotion, when realized, is a part of the higher emotion, and going up the scale means realizing the emotion more. It is like a meta-chain. But going up the scale is only possible if you prefer to put how you feel before what you think. To care more about feeling good than being wright.

@Tristan12 Say that to @Nahm

@BipolarGrowth So basically you're saying that your hatred doesn't have to come from jealousy at all, but in the case of being jealous you can express it through hatred. The only emotion that you need to care about and has any relation to your current emotion is the next one on the scale. Right?

@Tristan12 But you can't get into deep hate without going through jealousy. You need something to really hate, right? @Nahm

My parents just announced to me and my brother that they are getting divorced. This was quite sad and brother took it harder. I wasn't that surprised to be honest. My parents are really not great and neurotic each one in his own way. I could kinda predict this was coming. My relationship with my parents is very not great, but I can also see how they are falling into a suffering loop they are creating for themselves, and even though I don't like being with them, the only thing I wish for them is that they will understand some of the exclusive wisdom I've gained about spirituality/suffering/self-help... What can I do to help them? My mother gets very angry and annoyed at the world all the time, eats junk, she doesn't get much attention in the small family because she is annoying. My father seems hopeless, anxious, low confidence that he is trying to hide, criticizing sometimes. I am not interested in spending time with them, as I'm also in camp. How do I somehow help them start their journey towards self-liberation. They are probably living in some hell that is quite in the background without them even realizing

It is best to start your post with a spoiler warning of some kind

It's a common theme (was a common theme back in highschool) to act stupid, silly (to make people laugh) and people just make fun of me and I don't attack back and they call me cute and I don't know how to respond, and keep calling me like that. I thought coming to this camp will bring to a fresh start. I was wrong. I am playing cards with 3 others and they are laughing with me (at me, I felt attacked) saying I am hollow in my skull, stupid, cute (from being "naive"), white boy, my accent, small dick, weak. I am just taking all of that in kinda laughing but deep down I am repressing aggressively my sadness and that I am breaking down. I am starting to hate this girl (the main one who is talking trash like that on me). It is humiliating and it fucks up with my focus on those thoughts. Please help. I am at camp and I am living with those people. How should I respond?

@Nahm I don't think I quite understood how it has to do with what I really said. I find it lately hard to adapt myself to social groups. Feelings of not belonging to the group, not wanted, don't have enough energy for socializing... I've realized that at some point of friendship, when it gets a bit too close for me it overwhelms me with ideas and thoughts which lead me to actually stray away from them and try to focus on being separate from them. I also don't really like the image people have of me, me as a person - the silly guy that people tend to make fun of and sometimes even bully me in a friendly manner, but still, it hurts by limiting myself from acting assertive and more serious, but rather take this victim role because I also don't really know how to respond to such situations.

@Nahm I can't take this shit anymore. I'm bad at socializing, and I envy how the other guys are becoming very good friends already (the way they talk to each other, touch each other, hug each other... I really wish I could have such friendships). It really frustrates me. I feel like I'm not very accepted (it's tricky because they also think I look handsome and I always try to get away from those compliments). I am actually going away from social gatherings, even though I know that my goal here was to create great friendships that may hold for life (in that 6 month period of camp. We're almost 2 months in.) It is also hard for me to stand for myself and be assertive. There is this one kid, this one kid that subconsciously I know I want to connect to him, because I'm attracted to the way he treats friends, yet for some reason, in actuality, I kinda stray away from him, not knowing exactly why.. maybe I fear of being too pushy? Or to bother? Some people here are going through not such an easy period, but are still getting help from other people here, one on ones. I've never yet got the help. I've never yet got the help Feeling stuck behind, as if I'm returning to my older self - always trying, but never quite there yet It sucks, it really does But maybe I'm just too clouded Is that what I really want? I desire it, yet stay away from it, like a hot stove - The closer I get the more overwhelming So then, why do I tell myself I want it? I feel like two people, like two voices are playing the game, or one unstable voice What am I really trying to get? Sadness is what I wish to show, but doesn't show Sympathy is what I want to get, but never shows But I don't want that Because at the same time I am a handsome man that is born to get the girls And play big, to succeed To master the emotions To understand To observe and know

@Nahm Thing is that I still isolate myself a lot lately because I don't feel like being with people and I don't want to put the pressure on myself to do so

@Nahm I resist letting go. Why the fuck do I keep holding on? Am I fucking disabled? You Toledo me many times that it is all about letting go, yet I'm still struggling with this shit. And even when I did manage sometimes (especially some time after the sessions), I still find myself forgetting about letting go, and decide to still hold on. Now I'm at camp and I feel really shitty. Everybody seems to be doing socially fine and acting naturally, and I'm isolating myself and somewhat of a scapegoat. Parents also got divorced recently so it isn't the easiest. I am living within my limitations Not really here and not really at home Where am I What am I really trying to get Is it the love within me that I'm lacking? Perhaps I decide to isolate myself, thinking it will get me somewhere, or take something off of me Where are those lost dreams? Where are they? I want to be like him, like him, and like him. I see hidden traits in myself, in them I love ruminating, because it feels goody good. I love being the victim, because it feels comfortable, but very limiting. I live in fear. Fuck, I just don't know how to flow, how to let myself flow. How much longer can I take it, this camp, or myself... Because wherever I am, I am there Where is this happiness within me Ok, I'll stop here. Just tried to create a poem without editing

@Nahm @Nahm I don't think I quite understood. I want good friendships and that people will want to be with me. @mandyjw I didn't understand... (Tagged by mistake, bug, but now it makes sense)

@LSD-Rumi Thank you very much

@Nahm But I do want to have great friendships and I want to be loved here. Those are expectations which are harder for me to let go, and when I get frustrated then I try to isolate myself and it feels like shit @mandyjw (My phone is stupid, don't know why it is tagging you for fuck sake)

@mandyjw (sorry I have a bug on my phone. Don't even know why it tags you. You can ignore if you want). So I still get laughed at a bit and it still annoys me. Lately I'm pretty quite and more closed, less open than the other guys, not showing signs of a real man. The only thing I "have" is that girls are telling me I look handsome and like how I look and sometimes say that they love me (in a joking friendly manner, only like 2) and I don't know how to react and it feels weird. It may have to do with the story of me being seen as cute and everything that they feel comfortable talking with me like that. Another guy was telling me to come to party some time, which felt slightly like in a joking manner, but probably not, but many people see me as cute and funny so I don't know. As I'm trying to be more assertive on my place, and stop being "bullied" (in a "friendly" manner) I feel like I am not really resonating with the guys here. I am not getting the juicy friendships here that others are getting. And those others are so chill, don't care too much, flow, acting natural. I have some issues with things bring clean and tidy, order, and it feels like it's separating me a bit. I haven't yet felt what's it like when people want to see me and are excited for my attendance. @Nahm all those conditions... It was what you were talking about, right?

@Nahm Honestly, not that bad all the time. I do some silly things by mistake, and sometimes I just decide to act silly. It feels like I'm on a 'high' but then sometime later there is a little discord. How do I do this? (it is quite different from mere thoughts).

@flowboy Thank you! I'll try to find a way I can implement it. I need to upgrade my inner game though. @charlie cho I'm currently at camp so I can't, however I've been taking martial art classes (karate) for a relatively long time and so I don't feel that anxious when it comes to physical violence. In fact, sometimes I played with girls with playful violence sometimes.

https://open.spotify.com/album/4Hb5cbP4Z9H9G1HavAra4q?si=eNsxKFgTR8mNaaDtV4b2aw

@mandyjw You mean just to be smart and clever? It doesn't sound exactly like 'cute'... Not the exact thing to define it in my opinion. I don't think I quite understood what you said here, what do you mean? Hmm.. interesting. I am acting dumb like that because it makes people laugh, and I feel loved that way.. don't really know. I feel the attention I get when I act stupid. Thing is that there's another kid who is acting also dumb and weird humor and sometimes it feels as though we (probably mostly me) are secretly "competing" for being more silly. I want to have my unique place. He has his weird humor and people laugh and I have those dumb moments. I don't think so. Honestly I am not as sharp as I thought I am in social situations. It's hard for me to 'act smart'. It is not funny and I fear that they will see me as above them in some ways. I brought my chess board with me and almost every game I'm winning, and I am starting to get scared of winning. Sometimes people here say I'm a genius and I don't know how to respond so I shy away.

You guys are telling me about cutting ties and surrounding myself with better people. You have to understand that I'm in camp - talked about it many times on this forum already. I'm living my day to day with them, having activities and break times. The goal is to learn about the cultures of the country and also connect more as a group. I can't cut those ties. I just want more respect and that people will like to be around me and rely on me and not think of me as some beta