fopylo

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Everything posted by fopylo

  1. @Nahm Honestly, not that bad all the time. I do some silly things by mistake, and sometimes I just decide to act silly. It feels like I'm on a 'high' but then sometime later there is a little discord. How do I do this? (it is quite different from mere thoughts).
  2. @flowboy Thank you! I'll try to find a way I can implement it. I need to upgrade my inner game though. @charlie cho I'm currently at camp so I can't, however I've been taking martial art classes (karate) for a relatively long time and so I don't feel that anxious when it comes to physical violence. In fact, sometimes I played with girls with playful violence sometimes.
  3. https://open.spotify.com/album/4Hb5cbP4Z9H9G1HavAra4q?si=eNsxKFgTR8mNaaDtV4b2aw
  4. @mandyjw You mean just to be smart and clever? It doesn't sound exactly like 'cute'... Not the exact thing to define it in my opinion. I don't think I quite understood what you said here, what do you mean? Hmm.. interesting. I am acting dumb like that because it makes people laugh, and I feel loved that way.. don't really know. I feel the attention I get when I act stupid. Thing is that there's another kid who is acting also dumb and weird humor and sometimes it feels as though we (probably mostly me) are secretly "competing" for being more silly. I want to have my unique place. He has his weird humor and people laugh and I have those dumb moments. I don't think so. Honestly I am not as sharp as I thought I am in social situations. It's hard for me to 'act smart'. It is not funny and I fear that they will see me as above them in some ways. I brought my chess board with me and almost every game I'm winning, and I am starting to get scared of winning. Sometimes people here say I'm a genius and I don't know how to respond so I shy away.
  5. You guys are telling me about cutting ties and surrounding myself with better people. You have to understand that I'm in camp - talked about it many times on this forum already. I'm living my day to day with them, having activities and break times. The goal is to learn about the cultures of the country and also connect more as a group. I can't cut those ties. I just want more respect and that people will like to be around me and rely on me and not think of me as some beta
  6. @Max_V So if I tend to feel 'fake' and inauthentic (like I'm quite a nice guy and gosh I smile all the time it hurts my fricking face and I expend a lot of energy), what kind of music is recommended to listen to - to music that empathizes with my situation or music that is all about letting go (for example) ? Or maybe something else.. How does the genre affect as well?
  7. So for the first few days of camp I had there were 2 guys who were into metal and I was talking with them since not really anyone else was into music, and so I listened to some metal here and there. Was eh, fine. For a long time I've only been playing classical music and jazz, and I didn't realize back then that I had a subconscious rule that I shouldn't like other genres of music because classic and jazz are 'my thing' and metal doesn't vibe with them. It almost contradicts it and I thought it might threaten my personality and my self-image somehow. When I came back home I was listening to "Open Car" of Porcupine Tree (it is the morning alarm of one of the one guy that was set to way to early and fucking woke us up 4 guys at like 4:00 a.m lol. If you know this song, imagine..). I'll just link it to save you the effort: So it got me opening up to this kind of music. It is actually kind of good by now. Another major thing those kind of songs helped me (especially of Porcupine Tree, for those who know) is to shatter my "goodness" and accept the more "dark"/bad/violent parts of me that I all the time suppress. Not saying I have so much of that in me, but still - it's almost like the wild part, the part that can be dirty sexually and like an animal in bed. Obviously the lyrics are way farfetched to my personal experience, but it still, to some extent makes me feel more grounded and real. Classical music is super amazing and beautiful, however it can make me go a bit into fantasy more. So I was experiencing more with metal and the types of metal, and I very quickly realized that I just LOVE Power Metal. Got introduced to NorthTale and I love their songs. Here are some of my favorite: I quickly realized I love power metal. I always loved it, that's the thing. Many og anime have this kind of music (mostly in the theme) and also in some cartoons. It gives the vibes of children cartoons and anime, like "main character vibes" - power, exactly. The high tones of the male voice means the power that's inside, intrinsic motivation ready to be unleashed. I hope I am not the only one who interprets it like that. It got me realizing that I've been suppressing myself from liking this type of music for a long time because of what I said above. I did like a few songs here and there before, but not from like a well known band, and I didn't even know it's literally a genre in itself. In conclusion, I've been listening to more metal, and I feel more real for accepting the darker, dirtier aspects of me (in my mind, it goes against the beauty and tidiness of classical music). The power metal really helped me find that I really like it and it's ok to embody it and that I'm not limited to liking only one or two genres
  8. Did a 30 minute session. I am feeling kinda sick so maybe it wasn't the best time to do it but as I said, I believe it is the best for me if I do a Shamanic Breathing session ever time I come back from camp. Since I was sick I was caught by surprise by the speed of the breathing required, and the breath work. I didn't slow down (I need to keep with the rythm of the drums), but did breath more shallow (still made sure it reaches the diaphragm). My focus this time was literally to enjoy this session. I tried to find comfort and good feeling just in the breathing, in the experience. I prefer feeling good rather than chasing an ideal future state in my mind.
  9. Hi, I've just done my first Shamanic Breathing session and want to write about it. So I've seen Leo's video on this topic not long ago and he bought me into this idea that it can heal my deepest emotional wounds very easily, and very simple. I got excited. However, it doesn't mean I don't expect it to be difficult, scary and overwhelming. But emotional mastery is just so important to me. Setting: It was around 22:40 in my room AC is on (23 degrees) Parents not home (makes it ideal) Process: I laid down on my bed listening to Shamanic Drumming and put a timer for 15 minutes. Spread my arms wide and started doing this deep breathing. As I was doing it I started feeling electricity flowing through my chin. Soon afterwards I started feeling this same feeling of current flowing in my arms and hands. My hands were feeling stiff and slow. Afterwards I started feeling this current through my neck and cheeks. It's like all my body was buzzing (besides my legs for some reason, probably because they were under the curtain). All along I've been trying to be mindful of my breathing. Then something quite scary happened. I could barely move my hands, they were like paralyzed. Not only paralyzed but clutching (my left hand was holding the edge of the mattress). At some point I didn't know if what I'm doing is even ok for my body, but I kept going. I know this is not true and I know it has benefits that I must yet to see. When it was over my timer beeped but I could barely move my hands to turn it off so it was a bit of a struggle lol. Afterwards I was just laying there, trying to adjust my breathing and get the blood flowing again properly. I was laying there for a few minutes until I sat up. I felt (and still feel as I'm writing) slightly light-headed, but not too much. Conclusion: First of all, it left me with some questions: Am I supposed to feel more emotionally free now? What exactly did it do? Did it work? Will the effects come unexpectedly later? Will it come in a few minutes? Or when I go to bed? Yeah so since it was my first time it left me with some open questions. I wonder how valuable it will be for my life. My goal is to master my emotions (and thoughts, come together). For that I've been practicing basic meditation, mindfulness (with labeling) and a bit of journaling. I want to assess this Shamanic Breathing in the future in order to see if it's the real deal or just something small I can do on the side. After walking a bit, I felt lighter, lighter emotionally speaking. Perhaps it did help let go of some emotional blockages, subconsciously? Who knows.. Not me yet. But I'll figure it out. Feel free to follow (though it might be boring sometimes) if you want. You can also drop some replies if you want to mention something I said and elaborate/answer/help me understand better. There are no rules but I hope you understand the vibe. I'll come back with more!
  10. @Manusia Very interesting. Also I'm the person that hardly ever gets angry and never gets sad and I do have those moments where I yearn to just get a sense of what it feels like to 'ride' my life and have power. I personally don't have flat face because I usually fake a lot and I always smile, disconnected. So like, what do you listen to that gives you more power as you say, and what do you mean by 'even towards the toxic meter'? I believe capacity (for a certain feeling) = equanimity. If so, it sounds great.
  11. @Manusia You say to integrate this love for burn and power and 'dirtiness' for integrating those and making yourself more vast? Please explain what you meant
  12. @Max_V This is powerful, thanks for sharing. So let's say I get sad sometimes/ feel weak but repress it, will listening to music about sadness/weakness help me? If I'm scared of something, then songs which will bring up the fear help? It sounds a bit odd.. (I believe the purpose of all of that is to love those songs so that you can accept those aspects in yourself more, but you probably need to like the music to vibe to it. It's not like subliminal magic, you need to love it, no?)
  13. Primary psychopathy: 2.1 (higher than 50.45% of people who took the test) Secondary psychopathy: 2.8 (higher than 60.38% of people who have taken this test)
  14. @ivankiss So basically you say it's important that when I'm feeling angry then it is better to listen to 'lower consciousness' stuff rather than calm meditation music?
  15. @Gabith Sorry man but like wtf was this. It didn't do to me anything and I really feel like I've wasted a huge chunk of time listening to this. This is even not music. How do many people like it I don't understand. What is even deep about it. I just don't understand
  16. @Max_V Can you explain how it does this?
  17. @Rigel This is powerful wow
  18. So as part of the camp program, we've been spending like 2 weeks in Zefat and we've been mostly interacting with the Haridis (the extremely religious). It's quite interesting because some of the people who talked to us seemed like they have gained higher consciousness understandings, I'll give you an example of the person we met today who I think is the best example: So first of all, he is Haridi, the extreme Jew. But he doesn't dress so formal, looks a bit like a hippie. He is very warm and plays music (a harmonica). He was talking to us about "to repent" (or so I think that's what you call it - when an atheist is deciding to become a believer in the Jewish God, from Hebrew translated as "coming to the answer"), and he was explaining that it means coming back to your roots. At one point he was talking about the nature of yourself and asked "if I'm not my body or my brain (after telling us why it's not the case), then who are we?" I had to take the opportunity and said with a tone of doubt "nothing?" He said "nothing and everything at the same time". The dude seemed to be grasping some non-dual shit. He was then talking about separateness and how oneness is the case. I had to take the opportunity and tried shooting questions like "if there is no separation between you and a radical Muslim, then why at the very root of everything you say that the Jewish God takes place? What makes us special?" (Or something along those lines). Don't exactly remember what he answered me but at some point he talked about the Dao, and that every person has his unique path. He said he studied a lot of Buddhism and many Eastern religions, and I believe him. He is a very loving person and he has a relatively great understanding of stuff compared to some others. Basically the whole tour was for the Mikveh - I don't know too much about it but from what I understand it's a small pool in a little cave, very freezing cold water, and you dip your whole body 7 times, naked. He explained it has to do with the feeling of a child you get from it, the shock of the cold and the water, as if you're starting life again, clear mind. I've been in the Mikveh before, but I went today again, together with this guide and 2 others from the camp, and I got this feeling of refreshment, quite similar to the feeling after I do a Shamanic breathing session. By the way this guy is very chill and uses slang sometimes. You have to know what is a Haridi and how he behaves to understand what I'm saying better. But anyways, it is also common for marriages to be decided by the rabbi (the couple), and this dude met his wife at a freaking party. The guy is understanding perhaps a deeper aspect of religion, and of life - that it's all about freedom, and freeing yourself. He seemed so open that it's really hard for me to believe that he is forcing on himself this religion, that he is holding on to them so tightly like he's going to die. It was quite enjoyable. But that left me really curious about Jewdaism and religion. Can such a person like him reach enlightenment? It begs the question of whether you could be enlightened while having a religion. I'm also curious in general what are your thoughts on what I just said and this person I was talking about.
  19. Literally always when I'm in a group setting I have lots of thoughts running in my head trying to survive and find ways to connect to people, thinking of things to say, having the "need" to talk to the people. This really gets me focused on others and not on myself. I interact with people but it feel quite fake. (By the way my 2 roommates just came in as I was writing this and I felt a "wave" of realness in me for a moment while talking with them as I stopped writing for a moment). Ok so I just spent a lot of time with the people here. I have the problem that it is hard for me to slow the rythm of mind. It is always rushing, like always. All the time looking for interactions, stuff to do - but out of some fear, not authentic. For the same reason it is hard for me to literally sit quietly somewhere just to post something here (I literally went out of the building to the quite road at night to write this. I just don't feel that rushed). For the same reason I can't truthfully speak what I feel, but rather add many layers of thought and stray away from what's true, I've experienced it because I realize that I tend to use my mind when speaking about 'personal' stuff rather than the heart. It is also the reason why it is hard for me to engage in a video game, to throw myself into it, immerse myself. Also to immerse myself in a story someone is telling - always thinking if I'll be able to deliver what I want to say without people interrupting - it's a very tiresome game. For some reason today I had quite a lot of energy to withstand "faking" myself. Like I said earlier, I sense that I am not living through myself when with others. Here's a great way to explain it: You know how when you're in your room alone with your laptop and you have this quite time and feel in your comfort environment? So I am very incapable of having this feeling of security when with others. Please help me. I'm living like this for a long time. The only good news is that my awareness and understanding of what's happening is getting better and better, but ultimately, I still struggle living myself fully and *truly* with others.
  20. @King Merk Oh wow, good point here. I forgot to mention also that it help me in integrating stage red and dealing with repressed emotions like anger and hatred. That's probably why I started. I must have had a sort of 'need' for it to free myself somehow. Spirituality is counterintuitive and that's what makes it beautiful
  21. As I said in the title, I feel very drained and down after my second date, and it really sucks. Wtf, it ended quite well but also bad at the same time... I fetched her from her house and we went to get frozen yogurt so that we could take it to her house and watch Frozen 2. It didn't take long before we were both under the sheet and the laptop between us, and then after I got up and came back we were closer as our bodies were touching and I was holding the laptop. Long story short we got closer and closer until the movie ended, and my plan was that at the end of the movie I'll make eye contact with her and we'll slowly go for a kiss. Close to the end we were starting to get very comfortable and I pressed my lips sometimes on her forehead while breathing on her and massaging her side. Dude it was becoming obvious the signals I'm giving. So afterwards there was some silence, but it seemed she wasn't that comfortable in the silence so she ruined the vibe and started talking, telling me about those other movies she's watching on Popcorn Time. It was boring and eventually I reminded her about Avatar: The Last Airbender, and so we decided to watch that. When the first episode was over I was looking at her, but she didn't make any fucking eye contact, my god I was frustrated. She again couldn't handle so much the silence and started talking. Fuck that, I tolled her to put another episode. Hopefully this time things will work better. This time, she could actually handle the silence, or more like, our comfortable positions on each other, the cuddle. We started cuddling a bit, not much movement really, still both a bit nervous. But bruh, she was with her eyes closed. And listen, I was trying to create a situation where we can both look at each other's eyes and then slowly come to a kiss. Didn't work. My fucking god, I've been trying to find so many different positions to be in but she was always closing her fucking eyes and it seemed she wasn't that interested, but at the same time gave me signals! (In the cuddling while watching the movie she made some moves) Fucking hell man. I was getting frustrated! Eventually I was like 'fuck it', took my legs out of the sheet and just sat on the bed. She then started looking at some pictures on google and we talked a very bit about it. I decided to go to the bathroom so that it can then be easier for me to leave. When I came back I was looking at her with an embarrassing smile and she asked me if I need to leave (this is what I was trying to signal to her) and I tolled her that I have supper and all that shit to prepare. Then she asked me what's the matter, if something happened. And I said nothing, like what's up. As I was saying that I was next to the mirror and I just realized that it looked fake. Like I was forcing a smile and being content... Eventually we left the house. I was still very frustrated. We then hugged. She then asked me if she can walk me home. I really didn't want her to walk me home, I wanted the time with myself just to gather myself up and process what happened, and I also had enough of her for this moment. I said "ok sure". After a moment I tolled her that actually I'm not going home, but rather to the school going to meet a friend there to play the piano. I lied. (For reference, it is like 21:45 now, and I go with that friend sometimes at night to school to play the piano). But I tolled her she can walk me until the school. We got to the school, and she continued with me through the gate. Bruh. She can't be serious. Midway the passage after the gate I did a short stop and acted surprised/confused which all lasted like half a second. She then asked me "oh do you want me to leave?" (in a half joking half offended manner). I tolled her "no, don't stop now, you can't stop in the middle of this nice path. We finished this path, and she continued a bit. Bruh. Nah, now really, I was starting to slow down and be before her. This is already unacceptable. We talked a bit, then we hugged a lot, the are faces were close. Our foreheads touched and then I went for it. We had the first kiss. I felt terrible afterwards, but I'll get to it in just a second. She didn't have a pleasant taste, and also I didn't know how to kiss and I closed my eyes a bit because I just wanted to get it over. Then I hugged her a bit, gave her another kiss on the other half of the lip. And then she asks me: "Why did you say before if we'll meat again?" I was confused, but eventually I tolled her that I had bad wording. She said she had fun, me too, and then we separated ways. Now look, honestly I feel terrible and I don't know why. Could it be this frustration from earlier that is still lingering? Could it be because I am scared in getting enslaved now to a person and to lose from the freedom that I had? Maybe I didn't feel anything really during the kiss and that's why I feel shitty? (I really didn't feel excited for it). And I feel some pain in my groin, like I lost some energy, as if I just nutted after being on nofap. This is so shit. I am still very confused and I just want the best for myself. Please, I need you to tell me if that is normal, and how to maneuver my situation better. On top of all of those confusions I am actually quite scared. I'm entering a new phase of my life now, going to camp. I am starting a new life, I'm letting go of people and new ones are coming. Man I want to cry. I feel like I'm dying! What the actual fuck. Please, I need you to tell me what in the actual fuck is going on with me. Thanks.
  22. There's this chapter in the book The Way Of The Superior Man where he talks about converting your ejaculation up your spine through your head and then it rains down and it is supposed to give you a very amazing orgasm, as opposed to the regular release of semen through the genitals. He said to practice contracting the pelvis muscles as if I'm pulling it up my spine while inhaling/exhaling. He mentioned it mostly while having sex and you feel like you're about to orgasm, then to do this practice. It seemed kinda vague to me. Can someone explain how to get this amazing orgasm he's talking about, without having a sex partner?
  23. @flowboy So why on earth did he mention contraction of the pelvis? Surely there is something to contracting the pelvis, no?
  24. @flowboy Wait so where is all that pelvis muscle contraction and breathing you didn't mention? So basically I'm getting to the stage where I feel my body is preparing itself for releasing semen and then I just contract my pelvis and breath up the spine? David Deida wrote in the book that the whole point of the breathing is in order to make the sexual energy flow all through your body, from genitals to head and from head to genitals, without getting stuck and tense on either one.
  25. @flowboy Oh so you mean like to masturbate but not release? This causes blue balls from what I heard. But from experience it hurts some times because of the tension that I'm building and not releasing it