fopylo

Self-actualization is all fun and cool, but I often don't have a solid clear direction for where I'm going. I am doing my 20 minutes of breath meditation, 30 minutes of mindfulness meditation, workout 3 times a week, on nofap, have a morning routine, starting to get back into hobbies (piano and learning Japanese), and maybe a few more, but it feels very comfy. Like I am continuously learning by watching Actualized,org and reading. The problem is that all it does is making me feel more secure in my state, in other words, it took some layers of fear off (the mindfulness practices especially helped with it). It's more like a peaceful comfort because my happiness levels have shot up. So yeah, I'm pretty much lost as to where I want to put my focus towards (to go all in for a period, it is quite scary and threatening). I might choose the wrong domain. I've recently watched Leo's video on the importance of balance in personal development which was very good. But still, the balances that I put for myself will all need to eventually coordinate in accomplishing the one major objective. How do you get clarity as to where you are going next? I don't have some serious bad aspect in my life which I'm suffering from, which in that case the answer would be quite obvious.

@Flowerfaeiry In less than 3 moths I'm going for a pre-military camp for 6 months and then serving at the military for 2.5 years (a must). I won't have time to work on finding my life purpose

@kag101 Study, and have a part time job (if you could call it that way since it's only like 3 hours a week). High school senior, and then military for 3 years (you must. It's the law from my country) before I get to this point where I decide what to really do with my life.

@Anahata I haven't gotten much love at my teenage years, or more accurately, I didn't accept it in my experience (but still it wasn't much). My mother tends to get angry easily and tries to dig deep and as if she is trying hard for me to face this pain of guilt and humiliation she's trying to open up to me, and I've always ran away from those feelings. Same with my father. He's trying to get to much into my life in subtle ways and I just want him to get the fuck out of my life and stop asking these indirect personal questions and start focusing on his own life instead of mine. So you can understand why a person like me would have trouble feeling emotions if he escaped from them for years. I am doing my mindfulness practices and meditation. But I don't want to neglect Maslow's Hierarchy and to get super hyped about spirituality and neglect the basics. That's why sometimes I prefer not to go far with spirituality. I've seen Leo's video yesterday about Shamanic Breathing which did catch my attention, like really. He said that it's effects are very great and could serve as a practice before psychedelics. But I'm kinda scared doing it, because what if I lose myself and get very emotional and I'm around my parents. FYI I try to act as much stoic as I can around my parents. Not expressing emotions next to them. No way. Criticism from dad, ignorance from mom. I can't let those effects to pour in when I'm not that in control, as I might later deeply be hurt and regret it. It's supposed to bring up lots of scary shit which is terrifying me, but if it means setting me free then I'm more likely to do it sometime. Also a problem. Can't let my parents know I do this. It has to be private somehow. I've lately been taking a few Japanese lessons on Italki and I've planned well for a time in the week when no one is home (besides my brother who's always in the basement), but I was still very nervous that someone would hear me from outside. My father surprisingly was unexpectedly home and I was nervous as hell. My brother or father might have heard me and it just pains me and I've took a break from it

Man, I've read it a few times. Very deep and insightful. From what I understood you say that everything could be good as it already is (regarding my friendships) but it's just that I'm trying to get my needs fulfilled from them. So like, me fulfilling their need could be something that I could enjoy (the things which sparks the friendship) and the part of me that also needs this need fulfilled is something that I can fulfill for myself and I'm just projecting this problem onto others? My ego is still not that highly developed, and like you said, there's nothing bad about it but I still want it fulfilled, because at some point I will become burnt-out from giving and not receiving (which is why I basically started this thread). But then rises the question - What need do friendships actually fulfill if I can fulfill it alone? My assumption is that they give me similar benefits, just that friendships could fulfill it quicker and with attachment. But then what purpose do those friends serve? You said the reason I have friends is because there's something in them that I value. Yes, this might be true for a few, and that's why I've been slowly loosening ties with others who I just feel aren't really fulfilling my needs. The friends that I do meet with share common interests like me, and maybe like one I'm just friendly with because we talk a bit about life. The ones that I'm loosening ties with are those which I feel they are either distancing from me or that I just feel like they are slowing my growth (most cases). But you said to maximize this "thing" I find connecting. For the purpose of having a fun time or fulfilling a need? I could also "maximize it" with the ones with whom I'm loosening my ties, and there is a reason why I chose to loosen ties. It can't be sustainable.

@SaaraSabina Oh man, I know what you're talking about. It's a fucking disturbing state to be in. From my experience you need to integrate yourself more so that you can feel more centered, here, flowing with life and experiencing without running away into fantasy. And so I found that the best way for me was through mindfulness with labeling. Leo has a great video on it, highly recommend! Just want to say that mindfulness was perhaps the most life changing thing I've experienced to this point. I certainly felt more like a child, flowing through life, experiencing what is without too much label and running away. This is still mind-blowing me today!

What is so special by the number 24? Why not 23 or 39? Or why not give a range of numbers? Why does does the outcome need to be determined by the number of times you chew and not by some other factor? Sometimes I just get so skeptical about him.

@Eph75 So basically you're saying that they don't fulfill my need because they simply don't have a desire for it? Because they are focused on something else which already makes them feel whole? But isn't it a little selfish that I give them this need but they don't return it back? You said relationships is about finding the right balance. So how can I have a good relationship with those people? (they are kinda my friends. Some to different degrees but I do like their company). It is odd to have a one sided relationship in which I fulfill someone's need and get it back from someone else, while the person I am giving it to is fulfilling someone/something else's need

@Harlen Kelly Can certainly agree that I am at more peace when being around people since I got on this journey of developing inner peace through mindfulness and meditation and other videos of Leo. It is going smoothly and I feel at ease and that's why I'm more chill with people, and that's the reason why I initiate. While on the other hand they don't

@Osaid Makes sense, most of them are like that. But it still is a bit weird that they do meet with some friends of theirs and don't initiate with me. Don't think it has to do much

@Harlen Kelly Yes, because not everyone is super highly consciousness like some people here on this forum. If I was then I guess so, but I want to evolve to this stage by taking steps. I certainly don't want to excuse myself out of filling the love and belonging tier of Maslow's Pyramid

@intotheblack @Preety_India But like I said, they do value my presence at school. They don't put much effort, but a very few of them are good friends (let's just say better friends) and those are the ones who are cool with meeting but never initiate themselves.

@EmptyVase Absolutely agree on that. Nice. Though it can become a real pain in the ass (more like suffering) the longer I resist creating. Totally

Hi, I know I've talked a bit about my mindfulness experiences and great moments, but I have a story to share: So I was having trouble understanding how can you focus on the sensations of feelings without suppressing thought (and vies versa). I thought that focusing on feeling will cause the thoughts to disappear and hence lower the quality of the feeling and the experience, and then the feeling will disappear since there's no thought to fuel it. Ok, to the point. So I just came back from my mindfulness practice and tried to focus on 'feeling' (emotion) and to see why it doesn't work for me and that maybe I could gain a different perspective. And I've become aware that usually when I focus on my emotions, I subconsciously tend to monitor them - meaning I try to feel more sad/happy than I actually am in order to have a clear sense of what I'm going to feel in my body and practice being mindful. The problem is that I'm escaping from feeling an unknown feeling I'm experiencing (perhaps I fear I won't get a result because I can't feel nothing in particular? Or maybe I don't know how to feel what is?). Thankfully I became aware of it, and now I am left with contemplating what does it really mean to feel an emotion. So a big insight I had: Thought and feeling don't suppress each other (they can co-exist in a harmonic way), but rather it is the resistance to feeling which leads to an escape to thought (and vies versa). This also creates the illusion that only one of them can exist in peace, when in fact it is letting them be as they are and embracing them as a whole now which brings peace. I've realized that feeling emotions is more like being with them. It means giving them space to be in my experience, with my awareness. Thought will likely come, and it might even interfere and shake me a bit. I just need to give the thought the space to be part of this experience and it does not interfere, just there. When I rode back home I've stumbled across two people I know and said hello and felt quite happy. I let the happy be without trying to focus too much on monitoring, ironically amplifying it. It got me to realize that many people who are less conscious may be letting feelings be more often than me, but I feel like this practice helped me know I'm feeling. This is all good, but obviously I still have difficulty managing it. I still don't know what to do when I feel nothing (or don't know what I'm feeling), still a bit not easy to let feeling and thought co-exist without trying to exclude one, thinking 'I am trying to practice mindfulness and therefore I need to restrict my attention to one of them'. In general it is hard for me to convey my true emotions while in conversation, and I believe it to be because it is hard for me to connect with them. Hopefully this practice will help me be able to deliver my true feelings and opinions in conversation with more ease and inner peace. I would sincerely appreciate your thoughts on this ? I would like to thank @Nahm and @EmptyVase for giving me bits of wisdom to get me contemplating those things on my own ?❤?

@EmptyVase No dude, exactly the opposite is what I said. You might have never found it necessary to read books about music production because maybe you don't have that much resistance towards it. If it is not such a big deal for you to open your DAW and play around then I get you. The book I am reading has nothing to do with how to mix and all that (this is just icing on the cake), but rather about mindsets and the getting-into-it stage and doing it smoothly. What I need is not more knowledge as it is a distraction. First habit, then knowledge (there's no habit though lol). Btw I know music theory as I play the piano and study music in school. Waiting to hear

This is not true. I still believe in being with the emotions and thoughts and not to manage them. Interesting... I am actually disturbed by the fact that I'm trying to scan myself and find nothing, or very small things. I guess this state of boredom isn't something I've experienced that much since I'm used to live in fear and insecurity (which I still do a bit btw). I'm letting it be but there is still a slight bit of fear holding me so it's confusing.

@EmptyVase Yeah but let's say I feel anxious about some event, then the content of the thought isn't true, so there's a dissonance between knowing that is is false and being honest. Being honest about something you feel and knowing it is not true is not such a nice state to be in. While false sounds objective, it actually carries some emotional charge of "wrong", "not good" and the dissonance occurs because it's like opening yourself up (the honesty part) to the pain (your thoughts/feelings which you know are false and carry a negative emotional charge) This year my level of vulnerability shot up. Most of it had to do with asking for help and talking about myself in self help forums, such as this, and over time I got used to it and understood that the only way I can get the best help is if I'm the most vulnerable and open. (talking about something different than open while knowing it is false). Dude, for real? My dream is to start making music. You know, basically most of the help I'm seeking is to get to a stage where I can do this smoothly. All this procrastination and fear have been enough already, I have big ambitions! That's why I've been practicing mindfulness (slightly helped), and I've took a break from the book Music Habit: The Mental Game Of Electronic Music Production because I felt that I need to follow it deeper and do some work so that I'll understand better. Have you read it? Also, what kind of music do you create? Do you have a YouTube channel? Man that hit hard... Like 70% of the time I'm asking for help/ wanting to improve myself, I'm trying deliberately to dig in my psyche to find something that bothers me which I can improve, when right now I am good, or maybe just a slight thing and I try to dig into it very deep. And then it's annoying when nothing is bothering me (like lately). Fuck I'm not used to it and I feel very bored yet I want to accomplish things in life. Perhaps I have a slight fear that is still holding me back in a very subtle way

When you stop running away from what you're feeling in the moment, what you're seeing in front of you, stop running away from your thoughts, stop running away from situations and suffering - It all seems to lead to the best life. It is also a quick insight which suggests that if you believe that mindfulness is about seeing what things are for the purpose of dissolving them and seeing beyond them (like me) then I think you got it wrong. It is to have them exactly like you are. If you feel angry then good, let the experience occur and be honest yourself with what you notice without trying to monitor anything. Just invite it into your experience. Same with emotions and everything. Basically, I think I'm talking about 'acceptance' (am I? If yes then I might be understanding it better). Anyways, just a nice insight I got after seeing the video Grasping The Illusory Nature Of Thought

@dflores321 No I mean like, how can you directly transcend sexuality?

@dflores321 So then there's nothing unique about transcending some specific aspect. When you transcend, being feels better and so you transcend everything basically. So it is futile

@dflores321 What does it mean to transcend something? And by the way, I do both but mostly try and redirect the energy. After around day 100 (for me) the shift happens and doesn't change that much, but still sometimes repress lightly, because honestly, I prefer the latter

@Harlen Kelly Many guys had success with women because of nofap Don't talk down like that. It certainly did help my growth, and not everything needs to raise your consciousness to evolve you. It can simply be a stepping stone

@dflores321 Exactly! Being God conscious is an ideal that will take years to reach, but for the meantime the least I can do is at least this - save and redirect my sexual energy towards Being, relationships, workout and more. Day 205 baby ? Alright mate, so this is the plan: Raising your sexual energy from no fap - directing this energy and using it towards relationships which will eventually lead to sex (it also helps with reducing anxiety and building confidence) - then direct it to more deeper sex which is almost spiritual - and then I'm sort of "free" and not so affected by the outcome of jerking off by myself. Is this right?

@Harlen Kelly Notice how you use "repression". When you started meditation didn't you "repress" your thoughts/feelings/desires/"negative" emotions? You need some kind of restrict for starting to get going, especially if you're not God conscious or some shit. Dude you could literally say the same thing about eating healthy (probably an even better example) because you "restrict" yourself from shoving junk food into your system. But you might say "but I don't feel like eating junk food. If I feel like it then I won't suppress it". Well then, I don't feel like masturbating. Actually I do have a desire for sex, but sex, not simply masturbation. Anyways, if it is neurotic then why should I repress the neurosis itself? It will just go spiral of neurosis

@dflores321 @Harlen Kelly No so here's the thing, you guys are just assuming things. Yeah, many people start doing nofap as a neurotic behavior, but with time it becomes less neurotic, in the sense that you won't feel the need to repress it all the time for the benefits, but rather you'd choose to not fap because it just feels so good not to waste that energy. Every day I feel energetic, clear minded, enjoy the little things, view people differently, help me connect with my inner self and my truest desires which were hidden by the sexual thoughts. I really like living like that. Personally I don't believe that liking a tit post and seeing hot women is a no no, but more like watching porn. Yes, because it affects the brain and really slows my growth down. Yeah alright you can say that it is neurotic because I'm using "restricts" on myself and that the true way is just getting those results from a non neurotic way. But still, you want to accelerate your growth, no? Do you realize that I can say the same thing on meditation? Then why the fuck do you meditate? You know the benefits, and so you have your routine... And you know that it will shoot your growth so you do it. Honestly try to see what I'm saying and look into how they are not so different. Telling someone to nofap and telling someone meditate come from the idea that it will grow you a lot and so you begin by getting really into them until you love them and then it's just natural and fun