fopylo

Lately I've been making lot's of progress with my meditation, and I've become more and more authentic, sometimes too much that it drives me crazy. After 1 hour, even 30 minutes of Do Nothing I feel trippy. Should I keep at the meditation practice, or should I give myself a break?

So today I had my first day at camp. I was quite nervous before getting there, and when I got there I took a lift with another 2 girls from the camp and we got to the main bus, where everyone waited for us basically. I was surprised to see myself getting out of my comfort zone and I was greeting everyone hello. I even literally went seat by seat to say hello and recall the names and have small chats. I felt like quite a Chad. I heard from a girl after we got off that I'm very friendly. So since we're like 40-50 something kids overall in this camp, we are divided into 2 groups of like 20 something each, which we are going to travel with them for the entire 6 months. Here we are separating ways. The guides tolled us the groups at the beginning and I was very happy with the people I got. Later in the day we were divided yet again into two communions of like about 10-15 each, which is the most intimate group, but overall we will be mostly with the 20 something combined groups of both communions. The 5 kids I got to share a room with are very nice and glad I got them. Sensitive, compassionate, I don't feel intimidated by them (maybe 1 of them is less of all of that and usually smokes and shit but overall I believe he is good). A small problem I've faced today is that down feeling of after being very social for the whole day. In the evening it was becoming hard for me to keep up with the social energy and I didn't feel like pushing myself. Later we had a talk with the most intimate group, and perhaps there I discovered how to overcome this problem. At some point we talked about personal things, and also "one-on-one"s with random people, and I got to share my true thoughts and fears with one of my roommates. I told him about how the whole issue of the showers and sleeping and organization and basically how living together made me stress towards the night. He could relate and eventually things ran smoothly here. I hope things continue this way. I'll be living with them here for the next 4 days and I hope to grow somehow from all of that.

Hi, so for those of you who don't yet know that I'm leaving to a camp and changing my life, then here you go. I've wrote more about it right here: I just want to say a couple of words before I leave. @Leo Gura Thanks for being an incredible inspiration for my life. Your work has truly build me up to live deeper and handle life in a better way. I would argue that most of my ability to handle such life challenges are because of the teachings you spread. @Nahm I haven't gotten the opportunity to talk to you that much, but hopefully you can continue help me to bring myself closer to the light that I am and release myself from my own self. You truly understand what you're talking about and I'm sure many people would agree that you changed the life of many here. There are many other people who've helped me in the forum (those were just the ones that came up to mind quick), but there are others that I've got the chance to dm or even simply chat with on the forum. Anyways, I still hope to stay in touch with you all, even though you are all virtual relatively (like I don't know/see you in real life). I'm gonna miss this place. I'll see you later. Bye for now, and thanks a lot. ❤

@Thought Art Yeah, I'll try those sometimes when I have time. But I think I need to ease up a bit. I am sometimes feeling overwhelmingly free that if I continue for long enough, I might get into this psychosis state Frank Yang is at

@ted73104 Yes it is true. We are about to start our next phase of life that comes after high-school. Actually this isn't true. I don't even watch movies. Here is where I'm also nervous. Honestly man, I don't feel like having a long term relationship. I might be sounding like a jerk for saying it but my initial intent with this relationship was for experience's sake. And yet, I still seem to be affected by it. What do you mean?

I finished school while ago and I'm starting my pre-military 6 month camp in 2 days. But yeah, I really really don't want all this drama shit in my life. I just want to be free man. I want to focus on actualizing myself. But it's really hurting deep inside those life changes. I know all my grade classes (when I was at school) for at least 6 years, some even 12 years. We all live in this small town-village. I'm leaving my old lifestyle behind, the freedom of being a 12th grader and having life easy and could rely on parents. Everything is hitting me at once. The camp is already scaring me because it is a HUGE shift in lifestyle, and now I'm adding on top of that a relationship, like wtf?? I am really scared of a mental breakdown. It will kill me. I can see myself having a breakdown. I've been living very good for the last couple of months, maybe this is the potential suffering.

Hi, so as a preview, this is the girl I'm talking about, I'll name her N: Basically she is very into me - I know because I got many signals from her and heard from friends. She also seems like she is more open to sex than most others, I think. So we are planning to go for a walk in the fields and also have a small picnic. It has been a few days already that I've been contemplating this potential relationship, and maybe I could get some of your thoughts: Thing is, she is really into me. I'm very lucky to be in this position, and I'm still a virgin. On top of that, we are both going to our separate camps and so we will only be able to see each other once in like 2 weeks (this makes it less embarrassing because it means she won't be too much involved in my social life, and when we're together it will most likely be in private. And also, of I feel like breaking up then it will be easier since it could happen more naturally because of our long times separate during the week, and maybe she'll want more commitment. I have this backup and I'm lucky). Now the other thing is that I feel like she is not the one for me, meaning I don't find her really that attractive (although you could also argue that I haven't met her really yet. True, I'll see then). I get from her a bit masculine vibes, like she isn't that radiant and is quite monotone and dull in text, and not to womany for me. But as I was thinking about it, I thought: Why not? This could be for a great experience. I have a great opportunity and I might regret it if I don't take it. It will improve my skills. Hopefully I'll manage to get a first kiss and maybe even lose my virginity or something. I'm still nervous nonetheless, you know, the whole 'leading' thing and these small minutiae that might get me neurotic. Anyway, I'd really appreciate your thoughts about what I said, like what do you think about this approach? And also, if you have any advice for the first date it will be very helpful. Thanks

@something_else Kind of true, yeah, although I'm still a little into her, a little, for experience's sake mostly. Interesting point, although I am not really feeling all those emotions running through my mind like you said, perhaps not in my awareness.. But yeah, it was scary, but eventually when the kiss finally came - It was dull. I felt apathy, and still do, this is perhaps why I feel shit. I kissed for the sake of kissing rather than because I love her. I don't know if I honestly really want a relationship. Could be nice though to build experience, but man.. I'm scared of going through a mental breakdown.

@Spiral Thanks for the support and reassurance that it is ok. Feels good to read that. I've obviously finished the date and did already what you said. @something_else So yeah, we eventually got close in the bed like you said, trust me, but not like you said about making out already very quickly. Actually those things you guys said did kinda happen, like I did behave in those ways. But eventually I felt very terrible and drained after it. Just wrote a post about it if you're interested:

We planned on watching the movie but never have I explicitly said at her house, but it seemed as so. So I just asked her if we are then going to her house. She asked if I can at mine and tolled her I can't so she agreed at hers. Her family will be there though and we'll be at her room which makes me nervous and kind of puts the pressure on me as the guy. Actually, surprisingly she is shy and I am less but she seems like she could easily take part in the leading. This puts some odd pressure on me as the man. After this meeting, next times we'll be able to see each other is once in two weeks at most. So I am thinking maybe today I should escalate things fast and maybe she has the same in mind. Bro, why is this happening to me? There is no escape but I also don't want to escape

Dude I'm still very nervous since I'm leaving in like 30 minutes. I'm going to fetch her, go to the mall to get Frozen yogurt (our town is small so I might see some that I know) and then go to her house (she tolled me that her family is also at her house and so we'll be in her room (bruh, this is scary. This means we'll be in her bed).

What happened eventually?

are you fucking kidding me?

Same settings as last time, besides starting it at around 16:56. The reason for doing this session (yes, there is a reason) is because on Thursday I'm going camp and I won't be able to do it much there, thus I'm taking my final opportunity, which is why I wanted to make this a good session. Another reason is to "die" a bit so I can be more relaxed and authentic and easy going with my date (we will probably meet tomorrow) and the people at camp. I didn't eat much today and I thought this will help me to boost concentration and have better effects. I wasn't more concentrated and I got lost sometimes in thoughts. But I did make sure to always get back to breathing and to focus. I also got tired sometimes because I felt I'm overdoing it. There were times which were quite overwhelming for my brain to handle. All this oxygen, like I'm gonna faint. I was almost starting to whine and I was moving my body like I'm complaining. Bruh. Like I'm starting to question whether that's normal because I seem to be scared of the fainting rather than the images - and that's precisely because I haven't experienced any visuals yet from Shamanic Breathings. Until next time. Probably sometime during the camp, if I'll manage to make time for it

Wow thanks for the support guys! Anyways, I'm going to meat her again probably tomorrow at her house for a movie. This is getting me a bit nervous... Why is it so hard for god's sake! Doing moves is scary and confusing

this is fax, not only with relationships. Today I had my meeting with my camp (one full long day) in which we were kind of forced to meet each other because we didn't know each other that well, so we were constantly opening up and talking to new people. Your body and mind get used to this feel of seeing someone new and socializing, until you realize its actual fun, and you enjoy it - and that is more authentic. I can't say I was really authentic, but I was more loosened up after approaching many people.

Ok it was intense.

Fuck it. I had enough. I'm going to camp in like 10 days and I'm frustrated that I didn't manage to do as many Shamanic Breaths as I could. I'm going to eat a bit (didn't have breakfast yet) and then going to do a 30 minute session. I don't have time to start this gradual process of 15 minutes then 20, then 30 or so. I've done 15 minute sessions twice with a long period in between (and the second time wasn't even that serious). The reason I want to go now all in on 30 minutes is because I want to get those demons (you know what I mean, the negative bullshit) out of my psyche as quick as possible. Now I know that since it's quick and more intense it might be scary. I won't be surprised if it turns out to be a scary session, as long as it will help purify my psyche for the longer term. So the reason I asked this question in the title is for the case that it will be scary - How do I integrate it? Going to eat a bit, maybe visit this thread just before I do it. But I'm gonna do it, I've been postponing it for too long

Ok just did my 3rd session, my first 30 minutes Shamanic Breathing session. This one was quite intense after all. So the settings are the same as usual, besides it being around 16:45. (Jesus, my hands are trembling while typing this, and my back of the neck is hurting). Ok I made sure to stay focused and I tried to go as deep as possible (with my focus) "into it". As I was doing the breaths, it slowly felt like as if I'm going to faint (you know, this light feeling you have), and I was a bit scared of that. I still pushed forwards. It got to a point I was feeling like I could die and I tried to relax into it. Now let me clarify this bullshit of "relaxing into" this dying: At like 2 points I was whining like a little child crying for help (in my head, it showed in my breathing, like I was crying for help almost), and I still continued. There were maybe like 2-3 times that I had to slow down my breathing because, damn, it was hard for my body a bit but it was mostly because I felt it is hurting my physical hands. But I believe that it was an automatic response of my mind as well because maybe it didn't want me fainting here lol. At those moments that I experienced like I'm dying - it is like being in fear. Being in fear. For one of the first times in my life I remember what it means to fear. Most of my life I just try to escape fear. Being with this fear is something I've probably experienced as a child more often, thus I recalled that feeling for like one of the first times in my life. It is very obvious for me that this death = freedom. It is the ultimate freedom. It really humbled me, and showed me that I have a lot of work. But I'm so damn happy I know what I need to do - To practice surrendering more to death! To die into things! This is how I'm gonna be fearless and build strong confidence and do amazing things in life like I see other people do, to live from my heart!! Close to the end I believe I got a really tiny glimpse (because it probably involved some thinking) of death. Maybe not, but I was for a moment imagining how it would be if I were dead now (still aware, no fantasies, but I did have some of this 'deathly vibe' to be able to imagine it more clearly). I don't so remember what I experienced though. If I felt like a child whining crying for help while crumbling into my own breath (dying) while feeling this current in my body - I must fight the enemy! I am a warrior on a mission to fight the enemy! Who am I kidding lmao, as if I didn't know this all this time?? Ever since I was a child I had this intuition that one day I'll fight the ultimate enemy and be free, just that I never really knew what it means. And then I'd be shocked because I'd discover that - The ultimate enemy is me. And it will be the hardest battle ever, but it will lead to ultimate freedom - Death. (By the way I didn't have any visuals or any illusory thing)

Holy shit, I'm most likely to go on a date with her. This makes things even more scary..

It was a bold night. There is no single doubt. So there was this girl that had a party like a month ago, and there I saw this one girl (I'll call her N, as she will appear many times here) that was with me in elementary and we haven't talked in like more than a decade. It was very short but we seemed to vibe well. So yesterday night N had a birthday party. I was quite nervous. And, as my usual way of dealing with this I do some meditation before I leave - this didn't happen. And also, it's a bit neurotic. Also, usually I go with a friend to such things, but I haven't talked to this friend of mine for quite some time. I felt my dependence on him. I walked alone. with my own fear. Head up, chest and stomach relaxed, feeling into the fear and feeling my body walking. I felt independent. I called N to come out of the house because I couldn't find the place, and when she came I said hello and then I was like "wait, hold on" and gave her a hug. Quite embarrassing. When I got there I saw some classmate of mine that I really didn't expect to see, he wasn't even invited. But I then understood he was just the bf of some girl here. Me and this classmate were talking a lot at the party, we became closer than ever, like wtf. We hardly ever spoke and now we were talking real man to man talks. He was telling me that N might be into me. I wasn't that shocked. It wasn't the first time I heard it. So as we were continuing are conversations and the party and all that, it seemed she was very happy to talk to me and all that. She also showed me a tattoo she had just above her booty. I decided to do a move and go talk to her a bit. It was quite a long conversation and very interesting. In this conversation I tried to use some elements I learned, some of them from the book The Way Of The Superior Man: I was mentioning that I feel music is a calling for me, and that in any case I'm really trying to find my purpose. I was saying things like I like anime and I learned a bit Japanese and Russian back then (tolled her things that are quite embarrassing, shameful for me, in a way like I don't give a fuck what people think). I didn't give in (agree) to her ideas, but didn't oppose aggressively. Just gave her my thoughts from my truest knowledge. I also wanted to help clean a bit the floor and she was like "no no don't clean, it's ok, I'll do it tomorrow already". It was quite dirty and I felt we need to help a bit. So eventually I cleaned the carpet a bit even though she tolled me it's ok. It felt right. In our long conversation I made sure to make eye contact, and even sometimes to look at her as if I'm gonna kill her (you know what I mean). I expressed myself and the conversation was quite flowing. After almost everyone left, my classmate and his gf were lying on the couch, everybody was pretty much chilling, and eventually we decided to take a walk - me, N, another girl and the friend I mentioned at the start. I was leading the direction based on the beauty of the path. When we stopped somewhere, my friend and this other girl decided to take a nap, and I was quietly joking to N and tolled her "alright, once they fall asleep - we're escaping" lol. This is were things get really intense. When we came back we decided to sleep at her house. I was sitting beside N, who was already kind of asleep. Those 2 fucking annoying couple were telling me to put a hand over her. It was a bit pressurizing. I was feeling super uncomfortable. I wasn't able. Eventually I just laid my arm around her. They were chuckling. I was already dead inside. The guy tolled me to put my fucking hand on her. I took a deep dive and eventually put a hand on her. Oh my gosh, extremely uncomfortable. We stayed like that for a while.. until she decided to roll a bit and make herself comfortable and laid her head... On my dick. It was getting hard. At that point I was "fuck it, she needs to understand this is how dicks work". I made my hand more comfortable on her. So I am sitting on the couch, legs on an exercise ball, her head pushing a bit over my dick, and my knees and ankles are hurting. It's been like that the whole night. I couldn't sleep. She was changing her positions every then and now, and I as well started hugging her more, even stroking her a bit. She did the same. The whole night was like that. Now I was really really convinced she was into me. At some moments in the sleep I felt like I'm crumbling, the 'me' is crumbling. Oh hell nah. I ain't having this spiritual ego stuff right in the middle now, please, later. It was a bit scary. I for a second didn't feel myself. I didn't even know I existed. Forgot about myself for a moment. And yet I remember it the sight of seeing her. But now the question was - How the fuck do we wake up from this situation without it being embarrassing? And I, like the analyzer I tend to be, was looking all over for solutions. Tried signaling with my hand to people that were awake that I want to leave. EVENTUALLY some girl got it, tolled it to the best friend of N (who is my classmate's gf). She woke N up, took her to her bed, and I was acting asleep because I didn't want to deal with the embarrassment. Me and the classmate were left here. It's escape mission. I had to leave, and the man walked me a bit out. We were talking about this a lot. My bones are broken from this position. But at least now I know for sure that I can ask her out and I can be more relaxed about it, since it will be odd if she rejects. This has to be one of my boldest nights ever, and I'm so happy I faced those fears. This is a whole new world I'm getting into. Basically this whole birthday party was done earlier than her original birthdate because she is leaving on the 15.8 to her camp (I'm leaving to mine on the 26.8), and so she wanted an earlier goodbye. Shit. This is tomorrow. When will I have time to date her?? Today is the last day. I feel like I shouldn't miss on this opportunity. But I don't know what to do. I don't feel like a long term relationship, but I'd surely like to experience sex, and she could potentially be that first one. Bro... Like I'm so new into this shit. I've never been on a date, and I have no idea about the stages I need to go through for getting sex. Don't understand this role-playing and all that. I feel like I must have sex, but shit I don't know those tricks. Sensei, I'm just starting the journey ? @ivankiss But for real, this is kind of annoying. Is the universe doing this on purpose? Why is she leaving right afterwards. I mean, even though I do want to have sex with her and all that... I still have my fears - I want to make sure I won't be stuck in a long term relationship and will be very emotionally difficult to get out, I want it short term thing, maybe sex and a bit of talking. Also, the way things ended last time makes it very awkward to meet again. We were just hugging in our "sleep" (I know we pretended) and then she was taken to her bed without further more contact. How the fuck am I supposed to start approaching her after this embarrassing night. Fuck me..

@Preety_India No like he might be very conscious but is quite disconnected from the new culture of the media and he also seems quite attached to Indian culture. His teachings are quite airy-fairy and forgets that those teachings won't really help the dude who is suffering who is not the most conscious being in the world - it doesn't help him.

Yo but it seems like she's a bit pressurizing me, like I don't know, it just feels like that. I told her good luck with her camp, and then she's asking me when am I leaving to my camp. I feel like she wants me to ask her out or something but I'm so bad at this thing

@fopylo I forgot to mention I had some wet ass dreams, doesn't have to do with N. But more like boldness in me wanting to conquer my fear and live slightly beyond my edge, to get the sex I want.

@This Yeah man I mean it is really effective. But it's not so surprising once you realize that as a child sometimes sitting alone and being with yourself was very satisfying. Sitting by yourself playing with the floor, staring at the scenery - those were quite satisfying as they helped ground yourself and recollect yourself, center yourself. It is quite cool. Doing nothing is merging with the freedom, the emptiness