Wyeth

Long read, juicier stuff is towards the end. But I hope some of you can at least read from start to finish. In sixth grade, so around the age of 11, I first stumbled upon pornography. I must have typed “boobs” or “naked girls” or something simple like that into Safari on my Ipod Touch, but eventually this led me to full videos of people having sex. I will never forget the first time I saw a man cum in a porn video. At that point in my life, I had not had an ejaculation yet, so I really didn’t know much about it other than its how a man passes on his sperm to a woman When I first saw a man release a load onto a woman’s face, I was honestly terrified. I became overwhelmed with fear and closed out the video and did not watch videos like that again for several months, maybe even a year or longer. The video I had seen was rather hardcore, and I wondered why people did that shit with each other. It scared me that people did. Over the next several months, I thought about the video quite often, but I never viewed anything beyond simple pictures of boobs and naked women. As I began to go through puberty and sexually mature, I decided to watch those videos again, and this time I really enjoyed them. I soon discovered the pleasure of masturbation, and for years I would watch and jerk off to porn basically everyday without a second thought about it. It was pleasurable, so why not do it? I first stumbled upon the NoFap community in my sophomore year of high school. The community seemed to hold that by not watching porn and retaining your semen that you would gain some sort of superpowers, those powers being increased confidence, increased attractiveness, more “alpha”, more energy, more focus, less brain fog, and so on. To my 15-16 year old self at the time, it seemed like the perfect thing since I wanted to have more confidence and be more attractive to women (I felt terrible about my looks and was depressed as shit at the time). The inner turmoil increased as I could not keep a streak longer than 14-18 days. Every time I would get about 2 weeks into a streak, the desire to ejaculate become so strong that literally I could not think about anything else. If somehow I managed to keep a streak longer than 2 weeks, I usually would have a nocturnal emission, which would make me feel bad about myself, making me think I would lose all my NoFap benefits. It even made me dabble into Lucid dreaming so that I could become lucid in my dreams and prevent a wet dream, and thus keep my NoFap benefits. It didn’t work. I would hear people doing 90 days of NoFap, some people even a year or longer and I felt so terrible about myself that I could never go longer than 2 weeks. I labeled myself an addict, I had such a strong desire to go on this long NoFap streak and I had visions of becoming this beautiful handsome strong masculine man that women flocked to, but I always believed I could never be that because I was an addict and couldn’t retain my seed, that I would never have the discipline or self control to actualize that vision. Around the time of high school graduation, maybe a few months before, I made a clear distinction between porn and masturbation. I found a community less gung-ho than NoFap that did not demonize masturbation/orgasm, but viewed porn as the sole enemy. Still, I had the same problems, I could not stop viewing porn, which continued to make me feel bad about myself. I continued to think I was just a hopeless addict. Keep in mind that at the time of high school graduation, I felt like I had a major chip on my shoulder in that I was still a virgin. A number of my friends had lost their virginities but I was still a virgin, and I felt bad about myself for that, maybe I even felt less of a “man”. I was also jealous of some of my friends who were leaving home after high school and going off to 4-year universities, where they would have so much more freedom than I, who was staying at home and going to the local community college for the next 2 years. In my first semester of community college, I tried hard to meet women, I made it a priority to have sex and prove myself a capable, masculine man. I met an attractive girl who I went on a couple dates with, but I ultimately botched it and nothing ever came of it. Then covid hit and this made me miserable because I knew I would not be hanging with any girls soon. I was quite literally an involuntary celibate at this point. The narrative I told myself continued. I was an addict. I wasn’t attractive. I can never be fully happy because I am addict. If only I could stop watching porn maybe I could achieve the things I want in life. I berated myself for not being disciplined, for having no self-control. I further and further lost trust in myself and my abilities. The continued existence of this narrative is even more noteworthy considering in these 2 years at community college I was undergoing powerful spiritual awakenings with both psychedelics and meditation. I became conscious of the illusory nature of the ego and was becoming aware of all its mechanisms it employs to persist, survive, and thrive. I knew the narrative I was telling myself about my porn addiction and state of being a virgin were ultimately illusory and could be dropped and/or changed with enough practice, but I was simply too attached to the narrative that I continued to tell myself the same things. The narrative took a radical shift once I completed community college and left home to attend another university. I moved in a couple months before the school year began for the purpose of meetings lots and lots of women, and losing my v-card. In just a 2-month period, I went on dates with 8 or 9 different girls and had sex with 5 of them. I proved myself capable, I no longer berated myself for being a virgin or thinking I was incapable. For the first time in my life, I really saw myself as attractive, capable, and confident. I can thank spirituality in a large part for my success in this time period. I had greater goals in life, at the deepest level I wanted to, and still do, seek to pursue and spread Truth/Love within humanity (My goals careerwise are to become a therapist/life-coach and write Spiritual/Unitive fiction)...but anyways I viewed this overcoming of my sexual inadequacies as just a step in the path. To put into a spiral dynamics perspective, it was integrating the lower stages. A couple months later I entered into a relationship with my current gf (we’ve been together almost a year now). When I entered this relationship, I really wanted to stop watching porn once and for all. I felt that I owed it to her not watch porn in the relationship. And I did stay away, for awhile. And even though my woman is beautiful and I enjoy our sex very much, I eventually started watching porn again, and I fucking berated myself for it. The same narrative of me calling myself an addict again came up, and once again I felt terrible about myself. I believed that if I could not stop watching porn then I would never be disciplined or self-controlled enough to do the things I want to do in life. I told my gf about my addiction and she said I have her full support and she is willing to help me in any way she can regarding the addiction. I told her about my relapses for awhile, it was always hard confessing because she is a very sensitive and emotional person (cries like everyday multiple times) and usually she would cry and get sad, making the whole situation even more sad and making me feel like even more shit because I was letting her down on top of letting myself down. I decided to stop telling her about my relapses because it was honestly just too much. In the past few months I have continued to watch porn but as I have progressed further and further on my spiritual path, the love for porn/sex/women has become increasingly metaphysical. The narrative of being an addict (although I watch it regularly) has gradually been dropping away. I’ve honestly just gotten exhausted of feeling terrible about my porn use. I’ve meditated, aware of as many sensations as I can be, many times from start to finish during a porn session. Automatically, out of nowhere, I tell myself I should not be doing this, that I’m weak for watching women on a screen, that I’m letting my gf down, that I’m letting myself down, but now I just kind of laugh at this conditioned response my ego has. It’s all just a narrative, all just a story I tell myself, a story I’ve clung to strongly for years. This narrative I’ve believed has prevented me from being fully happy for years, this narrative has put me into a prison. The reality is that sex is so fucking beautiful. There is no denying that. Sex is one of the most, if not the most beautiful thing in the universe. It’s creation. What could possibly be more beautiful than that? Of course I love watching porn lol. No matter where this journey of life takes me I must never deny the profound beauty of women and sex. Recently I’ve found myself tearing up at the beauty of women and the act of sex. I’ve been noticing in my porn viewing lately that I’m much less fixated on the sexual body parts of women (tits, ass, etc…still love that don’t get me wrong), but what I’m fixated on, and rather obsessed with lately is the metaphysics of sex. Man entering woman, penis entering vagina, is so shockingly beautiful that it makes me tear up at times. It’s opposites coming together, two becoming one, yin and yang, dual becoming non-dual. THIS IS AN ART FORM OF THE SPIRITUAL PATH I AM ON AND IT IS SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. Two becoming one. It’s self and other merging. It doesn’t get more beautiful than this. This whole life we’re in is a love game with the universe, a divine orgy, and the less identified we are with ego the more we can see it. It literally makes me tear up, when I watch porn sometimes. I marvel at the beauty. It is the greatest thing ever. I don’t know how I could ever give this shit up honestly. I oscillate now between being identified with the narrative and wanting to stop, and not caring at all. I do watch porn less now, and my preferences have changed a lot. I don’t care for that stepbro stepmom, industry porn terrible acting shit. Sometimes I will watch that crap out of habit and regret afterwards because I’m totally unsatisfied. I typically only watch amateur couples now, the sex feels much more raw and closer to true divine union. There is still a part of me that wonders if I could gain a lot of benefits from a long abstinence from PMO, I haven’t seriously attempted a long streak form orgasm in over a couple years but I feel like the same shit would just happen again at the 2 week mark where I become overwhelmed and need to fucking cum (I’ve always had very high sex drive). Guess the only way to find out is through direct experience, but at the end of the day I too still have a strong fixation on PMO and it would be hard for me to even go a few days without sex. At the end of the day I know I have work to do, healing to do, and to be honest I don’t know how the fuck I’ll do it really. I still want to be more disciplined and have more self-control in life, but I have found freedom in being less identified with the narrative of being an addict. I have become increasingly attuned and aware and shocked by the beauty of the metaphysics of sex, and I know at this point I could not give up something I love so much. I sort of just felt like writing this on a whim, I’ll prob share on Actualized.org and see if anyone reads it and what they have to do say.

Anyone know of some good academic peer-reviewed journals about consciousness? Preferably whether science can ever adequately explain consciousness? Really wish I could use Leo's stuff for the essay I have to write lol, but nah gotta use peer-reviewed academic stuff.

if you go to even a half decent city/town in the US the crime and violence won't be a problem. Don't let the documentary scare you.

Couldn't have said it better. These are the only grievances I have as well.

@bazera I agree season 1 was way better. Zima Blue was absolutely fucking amazing. In season 2 the only episode that was really deep was Pop Squad. Ice was also fun to watch.

Confidence is deceiving. If you act like you know your shit, most people won't question you.

The options you listed are good to get started. Start now, improve later. I started with just a $50 mic and cheap camera and was able to have success.

I know people's whose have changed a lot, but I have been INFJ my whole life.

That is exactly what is supposed to be happening. Keep at it.

Hello everybody, sort of been a lurker on here for awhile and have barely ever said anything, but I figured I would share my current life situation and see what you guys had to say. Anyway, I'm 20 years old, currently in community college, living with parents, majoring in philosophy, and just got accepted to every school that I applied to for transfer next year. However, in this past year I have become increasingly against the idea of completing my degree simply because I believe my life purpose won't require it so the degree could very well end up just being a waste of money and deter me from my LP. To provide further context for my situation, my whole thought process about my life and reality completely changed after an intense unexpected awakening I had back in late 2019. Shortly after my awakening experience I found Leo and a couple others who have helped me immensely with integration. And with this, I realized what I really want to do is dive deep into this spiritual work and help heal the world in any way I can. I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to do though, I'd always loved expressing myself creatively in a variety of ways, especially through writing as I have always been especially talented at it. I also have always loved talking with people about life and life's problems and giving advice, so I thought hmm maybe I could become a therapist or a life-coach or something along those lines. But me being only 19 at the time with 3 years of college ahead of me, I didn't really know where to start, so I began making YouTube videos about psychedelics, spirituality, and awakening. I gained some traction within the first year and was able to make the channel into a decent side gig of about $300/month. This was also on top of me being in school full time and working part-time at a golf course so I really wasn't devoting that much time towards it. I genuinely love making content so I began to play with the idea of this eventually becoming full-time for me. I created a multi-year, rough plan on paper for me to actualize this, and created a full curriculum for me to learn (business/marketing, video editing skills, personal/spiritual development, etc.) But I realized that this plan would be basically impossible to actualize if I was bogged down by the workload and the financial strain of college. However, were I to drop out, I'd still be faced with a struggle regardless because no matter what I am moving out of my parents place because the environment there has become toxic. So in either scenario, my LP would have to take a backseat for at least a little while because of either schoolwork or working a near full-time job in order to pay for necessities. However, I think the total load of dropping out would be easier to manage than going to school. It's a tough fucking decision. And it's not like I need to make a fortune from it in order to make it either. I just need enough. I'm willing to be frugal. My ultimate goal 15-20+ years down the road is to reach enlightenment and live somewhere in or very close to nature (ideally with my future woman), so my LP plan is to set for me to get to that point eventually. Although I'm confident if I were to drop out and grind for a few years then I could actualize my LP, of course I naturally have my doubts. A college degree would be a solid safety net were my LP to fail, but I know even if that specific LP were to fail another similar one would hatch because I am so set and stone on pursuing awakening and enlightenment and healing the world. Caving in and working a "normal job" would be an absolute failure for me, not to say I would be opposed to doing that for a couple years if I had to. For the past two weeks I have been alternating back and forth on my decision whether to drop out or not. It's a huge fucking decision. In my current state of mind my heart says to drop out, but tomorrow I may feel different. I have to decide this month though. Just wondering if any of you guys had any thoughts or comments about this.

I'm also a philosophy major thinking about quitting. You need to have a plan though. Don't just drop out with no plan.

@Chrisscholar123 yeah I'd have to pay thousands of dollars, which doesn't seem attractive at all since I don't even think I need the degree for my LP. It's still such a tough decision though, because a degree provides safety were I to fail, and I'm also very enticed by the socialization prospects college would provide. Ultimate though, I like to take Leo's advice in that you can make anything work as long as you have a vision and are creative enough.

Philosophy is a degree that can give one skills valuable in a variety of areas. Philosophy majors actually have one of the higher mid-career median incomes. For me though, it's never been because I was looking for a specific job. I kind of just figured I would have a number of path options if I went with this degree, and it seemed very interesting to me. It's not at all limited to academic philosophy. I could put it on ice for a year or two theoretically, I mean I'm already halfway done. But if I dropped out, I'd want to commit to that and not go back. If I dropped out, I would embrace the multi-year grind of scaling my channel/business more and not want to look back.

I know what I want long term, and that is to make the channel work and turn into a business enough for me to live off. The philosophy degree doesn't help with that. I love Philosophy don't get me wrong, but I can always learn that on my own. For me though, the socialization aspect of college and the potential females there are what's attractive to be the most, considering I've been extremely lonely during these past 2 years of community college, and I fear dropping out will only contribute further to my loneliness. Thanks, and yeah I'm on a regular schedule. Been trying to ramp up production quality lately in the past few videos. Really all I need is to get some better lighting and it will all look very good. Yeah I enjoy the coursework, for the most part. When I chose my major it was never for the intention of a specific job, but more so because I was interested in the subject, and I was aware that a philosophy degree gives one skills that are valuable in a variety of areas, so after college I hopefully would have a number of options for my path. Yeah staying with them would be the best move financially, but it wouldn't be a good one for my mental health. I wouldn't say it is affecting me severely, but it's definitely affecting me. Basically my parents marriage has been deteriorating for years and my dad has turned into a kind of slob and the energy rub off is absolutely horrible on me and my younger brother. Not that I couldn't withstand it for another year or two, I'd just really prefer not to. Also just being at home I haven't been able to find any like-minded people, making me very lonely. That probably has a worse affect on my mental health than my parents, to be honest.

How to Change Your Mind by Michael Pollan is very good when it comes to general knowledge. He talks about the history of psychs, his own trip reports, the neuroscience behind it, and also why they show so much promise for mental health in the future. The Psychedelic Explorer's Guide by Dr. James Fadiman is probably the best book out there for how to use them properly in order to attain maximum benefit. Really those two are all you need to get started.

I feel you so much bro. I can't really offer any advice but just want you to know I am going through the same thing. Although Covid has been a blessing for me in the sense that it gave me the space to make rapid progressions in my consciousness, the loneliness is beginning to get at me. I literally just said to myself yesterday that the only two things I care about are pussy and consciousness. I don't have the first one.

Anybody know of some fiction out there that is very much in line with SD Stage Turquoise?

@eliasvelez just watched. Damn that was amazing.

A video I made that shares the two most valuable pieces of information I've come across when it comes to trying to build a career in alignment with Spiritual Work https://youtu.be/mxHd-pX-_3A

@How to be wise chill

This is a video for those seeking to dive deep into spiritual work and expanding their consciousness. It explains why this work is the one of the most important things a human being can pursue, and how it literally helps create an entire new world

Thought this provided an excellent overview of the Spiral Dynamics Model. Not everything can be explained in such a short time frame of course, but it's about as good as it can get for only being 25 minutes. Definitely worth a watch for those seeking to understand the model quickly