at_anchor

I will never get the necessary education and health and skill or talent I need to make enough money to be happy and free in life, not enouh money to even heal. I want to express some regrets now to God. I wish I started my education on time, both basic wide range general education (of languages, literature, religion, democracy and human rights, mathematics and informatics) and specialized education in system and networking administration and programming. I wish I did not give up and I wish I was never so horny and desiring sex in life so much to not be able to imagine an amazing life without any sex at all. Now it is too late. I'll never be able to get the money, time, resources for developing skills and educating myself. What is left is just to go through painful experiences in poverty and insecurity and after decades to basically finally pass away and get a new chance to do it all over again the right way in my next reincarnation.

Here I want to just try doing this silly thing called praying. Of coursethere is no God inthe sky coming down to help me. Of course I won't get my prayers answered and scientists and rational people win every time without praying. But I want to be like this. I have nothing else to do on this forum anyway. God please, make them quiet and let me sleep. Their intentions are clear. I beg you to send someone smarter than them to protect me from them. God, please help me be employed and make money for food and basic survival, help me become good at something good for mankind and please protect me from their sabotaging effects. They go around telling every employer why not to employ me. Save me from these stage red and orange capitalists. Help me find a good employer and get employed. Please God help me get educated and capable of bringing value.

@Princess Arabia Your post made me laugh, but it is not like imagination and nothing else. It's pain. My movie is boring as hell and it will get painful. I might even die from coonstipation after years of surgeries, I might lose all my memories and start blaming myself for everything. It will be hell on Earth. I also prefer peace over turmoil, heaven over hell and love over pain. I really do.

I can't deal with my emotions so well when the pain gets so bad. Circumstances are everything. They make or break you. My life got broken. I'm going to be drugged, locked and poisoned for the rest of my life starting very soon. It already happened, it will just repeat for decades until I'm dead.

I wish I could awaken and sit still but I can't anymore. I used to be a good meditator you know, in my third and fourth year of high school but later I stopped the consistancy of that habit and lost it forever. Don't drain your energy. I am lost, my life is lost. Sorry for being an energy drain. I can't be safe and okay no matter what outside circumstances may bring, I don't believe that. I was not safe in the past precisely because of this. Which is why I'm here now. I can certainly be touches, harmed and hurt from my point of view. Yes, all I'm doing in life is having an experience or experiences. I don't want hard experiences. It is too much. I wish I had good experiences all the time, I wish I had my health, freedom, a good way to make a living, a boat and I wish I lived on the sea. I wish I had people like YOU around me, I wish I lived with these kinds of people. The point is that I regret my mistakes and wish I could live the way I always should have lived to have a good experience on this long journey to death. I want positive emotions, not negative all my fucking life... I don't want to be here typing this either, I want to be here typing about high consciousness stuff, about my traveling trips to Asia, about reaching new levels of enlightenment, about how happy amd grateful I am for my family and people around me and everyone and everything. I want to be here giving advice to others, but all I am doing is not good. I wish I could serve good people and families too. I wish I could be of help. PS: I don't want to make stupid pizzas and pasteries that do a disservice to their health. I want to have a job or business of making healthy soups for people and salads. That is what I want and how I would love to make my money. But I don't have the capital. I want people to be happy and healthy and good. I want to serve humanity in a positive way. I just never had the internal and external capital. @Princess Arabia Thank you so much for investing time here. If my destiny is gonna be the same any way and if I can receive no business and legal help here, I appreciate your presence in my life and feel happy you're here with me. I just wish I stopped being associated with insanity, danger, murder, pedophilia and I wish I was free and well off in life in addition to this. I wish my health was good enough to support a meditation habit again. I wish I had money to relocate and go to high school for grown ups I found online and try again and one day make a living contributing to the advancement of mankind. I wish this life experience was not like it is

Can I start making videos about my past and life? This quote inspires me to open myself up on video and talk about myself, what I want amd so forth so that in the end at least that remains of me, something hopefully good. It could make others understand me which is what the devils don't want.

@Princess Arabia Your post is long and I read it multiple times, but I don't know what to say. I can't choose my path anymore, it has been chosen by others. I'm bound and tied on all ends. I'm a scapegoat. In the past I was attacked by others for pedophilia, as though I commited fantasies my mind was creating because with minors because of porn I saw, because of stupid society that made it impossible for me to be authentic when I was younger, and out of my stupid habit. Here, I am trying to have a bit of courage and share the devil inside me from the past. I wish I never had em. I know many people do. I know I was a kid that got sexually exploited.

My mother just told me she doesn't want to hear me. She is trying to just throw me to my father like junk. She wants me tobequiet about the truth and tohide the historical facts that lead to an accident. My family has lead me to whereI am today, and my society. I am poor and always was. Now they want to treat me like I am some sort of crazy person, they want me to take pills and sit away and rott or they will throw me away to be tortured. She broke my heart. Doesn't want to hear me. Look what they made of my life. Look at these disgusting monsters God and what they did to an innocent person. I wish I could stab myself in the heart and end a prolonged life of injustice and torture where I lose everything because of them. Please help me stab myself inthe heart, please. Give me the courage, give me the strength and help me at least that. I want toescape this horror life story.

If I could start life all over again, if it was an empty canvas, I would grow being careful about what I put into my mouth, I would never hurt anybody and I would never have sex with an old man when I was young. I would read and write more to learn langiage better. I would seek real help from family in learning math and finding a way to work when I grow up. I would learn some trade and I would immigrate to the US after high school or go to college to study a language or computer science. I'd make a lot of money and travel the world, have a boat and enjoy life fully. I would stay away from fights and bad people. I would not allow myself to be deceived by my father and others like him. Life would be bearable and beautiful for the most part. Now I am in ruins and it is impossible to fix anything.

Gid please don't let them kill me in this gruesome and long way that takes decades of torture to finally die. I lost my opportunities in life. There are non left. Life would have been so amazing if society was structured differently. I would grow up educated and all my needs would have been taken care of, and I would never sin against myself or anybody else. I would not become desparate, depraved of what I needed, life would have been bearable. It is gonna be unbearable for so long because a life span of a human is 70-90 years. How can I live that long in conditions sadistic humans have set up for me? Please God, as you know I didn't want to hurt anyone on purpose but I got hurt myself before hurting anyone, please stop with the injustices already, stop this painful journey to death. Please make my journey bearable and pleasant, please let me be free and let me take psychedelics and travel and be healthy and let me be good enough and help me bring lots of value to the world through videos or through construction work and let me make a living wage in some way. Why do you torture the innocent like this? Why? I am innocent.

Please God help me do as much as I can in this short time I have left of limited freedom with the poisoning and diseases I have, with the distrust and hate I receive from others, with the rejection. Please God help me show that I can work and hold a job, please let me be accepted somewhere. Please God don't allow other people to imprison me and torture me again. Please don't allow for my freedom to be taken away. Please don't allow me to be locked away. I beg you, I would rather die than go through that, so please don't allow for me to be condemned there. Please God help me be a better communicator and please help me make other people happy and accepting of me, please help me make other people enjoy being around me. Please God help me survive this to go find a way to heal from disease and poisoning. Please God help me become authentic, passionate, help me speak well. Don't make me a crazy person. Don't throw me away, better dead in my grave than there.

I watched the video, thank you. So I have to live from a place of passion and authenticity. I'm just in a very negative place in my life. I wish I was living from a place of passion and joy and love. People want me to suffer and not achieve anything in life. I'm gonna be locked away for the rest of my life. The universe and law of attraction can't help me. I wish they could.

Please God help me get out of this war healthy, whole, reasonable, conscious, mindful.

I am screwed in life. I am stupid, weak, sick, damaged. I am incapable of making high quality videos for YouTube and of making a living that way. I am not a good communicator. I am without resources and good conditions. I would rather live in Dhaka ana be poor than here and go through what I have to go through. PS: I am sorry for my victim mentality here @Thought Art , I will be patient as much as I can and I trust that there is a chance we will figure something out.

There are so many years ahead of me. It is so daunting. I wake up at night and I can't sleep enough. My dignity is tarnished and gone. My brain is incapable to read and do intellectual work properly. There are no options for suicide except sailing onto the open sea and drowning in the deep, but that is not an option, rather a fantasy I have and wish I could fulfill. My life is just gonna keep getting harder and harder because bad people, way worse than ISIS have bad intentions towards me. They had them for many years, and that is why my life has crumbled and gotten to where it is now. In the past I had a bad sexual habit, mastrubating, but it is completely gone now. I wish I was smarter and wiser when I was younger, but I wasn't and there was no one there to actually prevent me from losing everything. Now I'm left with a very weak personality and brain and a very weak sleep, rest and relaxation routine. On top of that I am losing my freedom forever, freedom to travel and freedom from being a slave under other peoples control. Other people poisoned me and have been doing that in the past as well. They will also make sure I don't fit into society and that I go nuts and turn into a fat slug. What I am asking for the first time I think today on this forum is how to make money online as a YouTuber if that is possible? I know there are plenty of people out there that want the same thing, and I know that I am a weak personality, but I'm just wondering how to become successful online and make enough money to become free, sail away with someone and never return, hoping that people will not try to destroy my boat as well if I ever buy it. I'm in my mid twenties and life so long is ahead of me. Living a life that feels like torture is not what I can take, nor what I deserve. How do I become a YouTuber or nature photographer or just a photographer and become rich enough to be set free, to pay for help if that is possible, and then to buy a sailing boat and if possible, maybe not even commit suicide but regain my health in another country and sail the Atlantic, sail around the world. I wish I could get my health back to live a d I wish i could get better life conditions back that I had but did not know how to use in the past.

I will lose my mind from a lack of sleep and so forth. I will be brought down so low again. Why did God create this destiny for me and can he please reverse it? If I knew that I was in very dangerous waters, and if I was smart enough to know that my life is more important than anything else, except if I love someone very much, but that is hard to do without first loving yourself, I would have ran away to a better place in this world. I would have escaped torture of the most extreme kinds that is gonna be so long and I would have escaped losing my dignity and seeing injustice, children being brainwashed about me, and women and others. I wish I escaped. Now it's too late. How fucking sad I am that I did not know how to get myself out of here when I had a decent chance. I didn't know that I was gonna lose this war, I didn't know that it would come to this. Tell me how do I make 50 more years go by faster? So much time is left, so much time that goes by so slowly.

Sorry I don't understand, but thank you. Anyway, my future is so fucking sad and scary, you have no idea. I want to call for help but no one can help. I think Jesus died in a more humane way than I ever will. They put him to death in a more humane way than me. I did not know that people could be so fucking evil. I used to have a kind of playful attitude towards everyone including the people attacking me. I wanted to appear fun and games sometimes, not knowing what I'm dealing with. I wish I had someone in life to protect me from bad people, but I don't. In tears I like to come here. Everything will be lost except my breath so soon, all opportunities in life gone. All health also gone. Extreme pain and injustice is what's left ahead of me. I want to escape this people, I want to escape so badly.

I don't know. Because I don't have good schooling qualifications for jobs outside my country and math is reqired as well as physics. Low level jobs in it are not possible. I'm lower on the food chain than brick layers now. I know some diet and exercise stuff, and have a desire for growth and understanding, but my desires are useless when reality was and is full of people problems. If I am gonna be ostracized, sick, autistic and antisocial for the rest of my life, how else would I get myself out of this mess and survive if not by becoming some sort of a tradesman or scientist? A programmer, but that is unlikely to happen. Did I give the right reasons? I think I gave enough of them. I need valuable skills to provide valuable services. But it is really impossible to study where I am at.

Can I use this forum for something productive? I'm dumb and need to learn math to survive I guess. Textbooks won't work. Is there anyone who would post assignments daily for a year to teach me math and test if mentally unwell can learn it? I can move the thread to the journaling section! Sorry if it is the wrong one. So start with addition and substraction the first time if you want. It doesn't have to be every day though. Maybe every week. Assignments and videos to watch maybe. Let's be productive and see if this can work. I wish I could know high school level mathematics. I won't use the calculator if that is stated and would comment on the problems I'm having. If you teach me math, oh my God. Impossible, but hey, if anyone has the will, lets try... anyone?

Thank you very much. From the first and third links, videos, as well as a bit of the fourth I conclude that I lack a really good meditation habit, a better mind, a cozy environment and lots of math books in addition to the Khan Academy. So math is technically possible to learn, just not for me right now. Maybe I'll never have what it takes to learn it.

Well, I guess money really can make you smart. But you can also have good parents or frienda as tutors. Okay, I'll forget about math then. There is no way I'll ever learn it in life. How much longer till life ends? It's a real nightmare.

A moment of silence for those still suffering and those long gone... I don't know what to say, the world has a problem with economy and education. I am embeding this song to be seen better and to serve its purpose.

Do you know any amazing Italian song the like of Indilas Derniere Danse? I find Italian fashion and music not that good.

I feel like sometimes I cause a lot of trouble in this world to people who do not deserve it. I will try to be quieter and have less of an impact on people. I'm so sad for this reason too. I love so many people in this world and this war and the hurt and damage caused to me by others, it causes me to not be good enough all the time and by accident, I might wake someone up, I might disturb them and even make people afraid. It is sad, but I hope for all the best for everyone. Yesterday i was a bit unconscious of others. I regret that. I wish I was more conscious of others. I hope it is all gonna be okay. Good luck to all good people. I'm sorry if I troubled you.

God bless you.