Striving for more

Lord, God, today is the first day of a new year. I spent all week & more busting my ass so I could enjoy christmast, that failed then I spent all week busting my ass to enjoy new years. I was too inefficient, I couldn't achieve these simple things, couldn't think straight. I lost this time & spent it alone & miserable & empty. But yesterday I chose to react, I allowed my body to shrivel up, my spine compressed & my forehead stiffened & body tense, hovering between bitter emotions & thoughts & numbing myself with youtube videos. I allowed this state to continue for hours & I even refused to acknowledge my mum or respond to any texts, I felt bitter & useless & imagined how much better of a year I could've had, started fixating on how I've wasted my youth & I couldn't let go of the physical tension. Lord, I have decided to let go of state of mind now, but I'm not sure how to. I make the conscious decision this second to drop this self hate & nihilistic state & the anxiety, but I am not sure how to do it properly. The tension must leave the body & mood must change, the energy must come back & the rumination must stop, How I am not sure, meditation didn't work for me, but I prey for a solution, this can't go on any longer. I can't keep living in regret & disappointment, I must find new opportunities, I need abundance, I want every day to become wild in my life, never to be bored or alone again, celebration every day is what i need, rich as fuck is what I need.

No. Done. Account getting deleted. TLDR : Fucked in the head right now, self hatred, must purge this out of me, find the kryptonite, crawl on the floor, prey, get out of thinking mind.

No deleted post. Not useful will cloud above posts ^ Just fucking meditate going off forum mind racing in circles.

So ... I just went for a walk and I went to Lidl ... & as I walked through lidl towards the counter, I noticed this girl look at me briefly, then I looked back (Wow) then I held eye contact a little longer, I think she liked it, I felt a shift in her energy. I know what I should do from that point. She's with her mum, people are behind & infront of me, I'm "not in the best mood" ect...... I finish my order & walk out the store & towards the bust stop, pretending to wait for the bus but my mind is only in 1 place. The bus comes if but I intentionally leave it, then the girl walks out with her mum Approach now? Now? They keep walking & I even see her look back Now? "It's dark, she's with her mum" I consider running up to her... nothing happens. I wait in agony, in failure, then I walk home in regret, like a part of me just died. She was so fucking beautiful & that was some dam good eye contact, like a telepathic sexual connection. Short, feminine & Asian, younger maybe like 19 or 20, strikingly gorgeous dark eyes & long dark hair. She was just perfect. Fuck. I know I had to approach her, I had to give her that compliment, I wanted to run up to her & say "I just wanna tell you that you have strikingly stunning eyes & I had to let you know". And I know It would've landed, it was coming from the right place, not a cheesy line but genuine authentic desire. New years eve, she needed that compliment. And I needed to share that compliment, and I needed to do it in front of her mum. No fap, looking super well dressed with my new coat, my hair looked good, thousands of pick up videos, all these posts, all these thoughts .. But I didn't step up to the moment, & life just comes down to these moments. She was so perfect. It's one thing when you don't approach some girl who's just some 7, or just some girl who's attractive but that's it, but sometimes u feel something particular, a connection & it's a certain look & u know u have to approach, & there's this strong desire & u get in ur own fucking way & it's hard to recover from those ones, i'm going through that now. I feel like a pussy, this just sums up my entire life really, I'm not a virgin but how often do I approach the girls that I'm really meant to approach. Beautiful Asian girl with those seductive eyes, now I just bitterly fantasize pulling her hair in some dark lit room & devouring her & her soft skin whilst her mums calling her up for the mosque & all that, but it's a bitter fantasy now. & why do I always need everything to be perfect. Like the fact that she was with her mum & around people & I wasn't in perfect mood, that's exactly why I should've approached! LISTEN TO UR FUCKING INTUTION. LISTEN BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. I'LL ONLY GET SO MANY OF THESE MOMENTS. I can't post any more right now, this is it. I feel like a complete fraud. I tell others to approach, I post a video about being beta, & not caring what others thing & being unreserved... & Here I fucking am. Here I did it again. I hope u can feel in my energy now a very overdue fed up ness, an over due self disappointment. I can't just watch more self help videos right now, or post more anymore or listen to Leo, because it's not doing it. It all comes down to these moments. Embodiment. And I don't want to fucking fake my mood right now. "Just let it go bro" is useful 100% but I'm not too sure if it always is contextually. I want to feel deep pain right now, I don't want to let it go. I don't wanna let it go right now it just feels fake. ` Tonight I am bitter, Tonight I am self resentful, Tonight I go outside & I prey to the stars & maybe I'll smash a couple glass bottles outside & clean it up later & kick a few bins.

I'm soo Excited to move to this city. I come alive when I am abroad. It's so fucking cheap too! lol, it's literally a joke how relative value is. so fucking cheap yet beautiful weather, all year round. I'd be happier, earning 30K/ year living where I want than earning 60K/year working some job somewher I'm pissed I had to spend the last 2 months living here, fucking way below my standards. This year = tons of girls, god level charisma, more following my intuition. This fucking year = living life to the fullest, being 100% unapologetically authentic & expressing myself LOUD & CLEAR. This year = multiple streams of income & networking, passive income too. This year will make or brake my entire life. This year I am the boss, no one influences me. This year I detox mercury from my brain, This year I speak 3 languages, This year I become organized, highly efficient. This year for me will be more than what most people do & experience in 10 years. including 95% of man on this forum. I will make people envious this year. I will literally make people sick of envy, so much fucking envy they just throw up, & it lasts 10 minutes whilst simultaenously cumming in inspiration. But only the real bosses will get inspired by me. All the other fucking losers will masturbate to my life & throw up in envy. Getting a bit crazy now, Time to mediate.

So this didn't work out, I failed to organize myself, I tried my best but made some errors & so I am alone this NYE. I wish I could go back in time & learn to organize myself from the age of 16. Things will change this year. I wll be extremely organized. I must forget the past I have lost.

"What makes us happy is the feeling that we are exerting ourselves on to the world & not being done unto & living a passive, boring life.

Been hearing around that Julian Blancs older infields represent true mastery in game, god tier level game. How true is this? Also I am enjoying this video, some good advice but why this PTSD Face? He's teaching spirituality & self help yet his face looks disturbed, poor Julian get well soon or maybe U can't judge a person by ones expression, perhaps. I know I dont know the guy there could be so many reasons. He just seems a lot less happy than owen does via his face & voice. No im not a psychologist.

Was almost about to blindly binge this forum. No. Get back to work. I know u want to run away from yourself, I know it feels. Just let it go. Turning this shit off.

Yeah fair enough, I also look tired due to sleep problems. I meant more he had a look of resignation, sadness or trauma. But I don't really know wat the f*** i'm saying tbh.

@Ulax I want Julian's old infields!! Someone connect me.

I need to socialize. Moving country in very soon. Need to be somewhere good for new years. I have no friends right now. I am going to end up somewhere. Im not staying in this time. Packing my shit right now. Slacking off any work this week. Trades going well right now, hard work paying off. But my head is fucked. Emotions are dark. I got too angry at my mum & sister today, they deserved it but I took it too far. I need to socialize, I need to hear music, I need to feel like a fucking animal no more thinking, no more conceptualization. I am to move very soon, Parkison's law. Goodbye dog, good friend. I gotta go though. I need more risk in my life, I got that right many times, but always lacke the strategy so it came crashing down. I need chaos. Fuck this life, this isn't me. Fucking bored. No quality woman wants a boring man, & I don't sure as hell don't want a boring girl. Fucking chaos. I love just love chaos.

24th December I decided to micro dose & bad idea. My brain is not in a good state & That day I had also had Vitimins & l theanine which may have interacted. I also ate salmon yesterday, I believe it was pink farmed salmon, but I don't think that's a significant variable. I feel the same perhaps worse today than yesterday so no signs of improvements. I believe the micro dose may have been lab grown or synthetic form of mushrooms. I hope I recover because I just can't even really describe how my brain is right now, I have brain fog sometimes normally but this is definitely a very abnormal sensation & there is a constant migraine, it's not merely fatigue or brain fog it's this cranky foggy migraine feeling like the wiring got mashed up & it's pretty unpleasant. Again I'm not worried yet because it's been 2 days but there's no reason to say it will get better. I should be a lot more cautious psychoactive compounds are pushed way too lightly in this community it's not worth the risk.

Oppurtunity Cost. Intellectual Oppurtunity Cost. I am going to write a huge post on this when I have more energy. I mustn't forget this. This relates to a big "insight" I had after this entire year. I say "insight" because it wasn't really a sudden eureka, it more just became glaringly obvious after incessant signals to that truth. Connective Threads > Attachment, neediness, RAS, "cognitive zooming", narrow minded thinking, paradigm lock, blind trust in authority, being a gullible fucker, hearsay, direct experience, do not judge that which u lack experience, going meta, self bias, projection & counter intuitiveness. I love leos videos so much, I love how all the concepts eventually interlink, anyway the big "Insight" is not related to leos videos, but to my own direct experiences & intellectual errors which have tbh cost me years of my life & impacted me still until very recently.

I listened to Leo's Introspection video today & I liked it a lot. But I "noticed" he emphasized that it doesn't matter if you watch 300 of his videos, ultimatley intropsection is something you must personally do to get any results. What I like about Introspection is that it's a "passive" activity, involving observation (I'm naturally lazy & conceptual). Although my mind is telling me that real results won't come from merely passivity, but a combination of passive self observation & active journalling my observations & connecting dots. Well I enjoy that stuff ^ anyway so that's cool. Since my microdose I felt pretty cranky & fucked up, the crankyness has tamed but what remains is a deep sadness, i'm not sure if the microdose brought that out but tbh if it did I am glad. I am glad because my recent insight was that the real enemy is apathy. Although other negative states are indeed dangerous, at least with negative states there is energy, and energy can always be transformed or sublimated. So if I feel intense sadness right now that is good, but I would like to transform that in to intense frustration, and stay very very clear from apathy. Frustration because I realized recently that frustration is an amazing state to have, BUT of course not if you are mellowing it down with addictive reactions, which I was struglling with several months ago. But leveraging frustration is powerful. I am also confused about what type of lifestyle I want. On the one hand I idealize being very hard working & I feel that's an admirable masculine drive and I want that, but on the other hand I'm hearing that people are getting rich saying stupid shit on tiktok and all this & the 4 hour work weak and then people are telling me that deep work can not exceed 4 hours, but it pisses me off because I want to apply my mind like 10 hours a day, I want multiple talents, I want to speak 4 langauges as well as earn a good living, and also read books & think creatively & learn other skills, so why the fuck do I have to resign myself to 4 hours, sure 4 hours of work to earn a good living is more than possible, I'm almost getting there with my career calls & tests coming up, but that's not my point, I want to learn stuff & do deep work for 10 hours a day, I thought humans were limitless, I thought there was no limits? Fuck you Carl Newport u fucking low testosterone boring fucking professor dursnley piece of uninspiring fucking robot fuk u.

@Globalcollective Nice, aside from obviously learning from the best, a part of me has always been inspired & intrigued by the "Master of the masters" type of person. Like, Lionel Messi in Soccer/football, he evokes awe because everyone knows he's the best of the best anyone has ever seen. It's always nice to pinpoint these people in any field, if not for your own growth than at least for your own amusement. inspiration & re-imagination of the threshold of possibility.

Nice comment ... yh looking black there was a tone of blame there.

I have spent long time bookmarking pages, articles ect.. to my brave browser & folderzing them, doing this for about 15 different brave profiles (separate browsers) for topic categories. I use this as a research & productivity extention to one note, and primarily use brave for privacy & crypto integration. My main problem. I Can't sync my desktop PC to my laptop ... I know how, but it just doesn't work? So I copy the sync code > go to my laptop & enter the sync code, then it "works" ( the added sync chain appears on the laptop) > but now how the fuck do I access the browser from my laptop? >> because, because even though my PC Device apppears on the sync list on my laptop, when I go to check bookmarks, history ect... there is nothing there !?? Even though I clicked " sync everyhting", so it should all be on there. THis is problematic because if my PC Brakes, I lose everything, and you can't save this type of thing to a hard drive, it doesn't work. WHat are my options then? I find a solution to this (doesn't seem to be one anywhere?) I have to start fresh, recreating everything on google chrome whilst maximizing privacy (but not ideal) Switch to New privacy centred browser that's actually functional & fucking works where you can sync between devices.

pick up, hobbies, sports, reading writing articles, creativity technology learning tons of hobbies to dance working on myself being a high fucking value man, youtube channel blog, foreign languages travel meeting people art buildings architecture, become a fucking celeb even. This needs to be 80% of my time. Then the rest is about 4 hours of deep work max per day, where I make my money online. Travelling all year round, go on ski trips 3 -4 times per year, motorbikes, nature sunsets hills I love extreme sports. Fuck all the boring people on here & in the world, theres more to life than simply "being healthy or productive", wtf bro. IF U LIKE THE SAME STUFF AS ME GO FUCKING CHASE THAT SHIT, NEVER GIVE UP, DONT LIVE ABORING LIFE DONT WAIT UNTIL YOUR 30 OR FUCKING 40 TO GET THERE START NOW GET THERE IN YOUR 20'S THAT'S MY RACE JOIN ME ON THE RACE. I am so sorry to the world for my negativity. I love my mother so much, I almost feel guilty about my dreams, she put food on the table for me, she is a good person & she will never experience anything I am striving for, she'll never go skiing or obtain financial freedom, I almost feel guilty about my dreams, but I have to let that thought go. I love the world & I love people truly I do, I just get too passionate & competitive at times. I apologize for my negativity, for my weakness, I apologize if I ever played viticm, I apologize for my ignorance. I hope that in my egotism I can find humility, to admit that I have weakness, to admit that I have made excuses, to admit that I have committed sins. But what u give out & put into life life gives back to you. And if it doesn't return, at least you didn't die in vain & you tried. To anyone reading my stupid fucking journals, never ever give up on your dreams and don't feel guilty about your dreams. Maybe you just want money & girls, maybe you want to get lucky with investing & not work that often, that's cool. You don't have to work 40 hours or listen to gary V, this universe is infinite & with infinity comes all possible outcomes, so 100% go after what you want, refuse to wait 5 or 10 years for it, refuse to be patient, go get you dream life now. You can achieve it in 3 months or 6 months I promise you, you just have to fix your mind, the only reason it took me so long is because I got confused about what I wanted, and listened to all these toxic workaholics thinking it needs to be so painful, it doesn't. Don't settle for less pay, don't settle for working 24/7, if you have to do that initally that's fine, I might have to do this a bit longer, but get that shit out the way. Don't let time destroy & rot you. FIGHT. Fight against the dark knight, the grim reaper, find that shining beacon in the darkness, find clarity in the fog. Find peace.

Maybe, I'm not well educated in tech still learning the basics I will try to figure it out

I've decided to delete my account. Giving it 1 week max to offload all the important bookmarks & posts. I can't deal with the lack of privacy. I have made too many mistakes on here. My bookmarks are too messy, everything to cluttered. I don't want attention anymore, I just want to achieve my goals & enjoy life & make money & be in the top 5%, have amazing experiences, be both rich & spiritual, social, alive & free. I have enough pick up theory now, I just need to take action. I will create a new account for but I won't post much, I will read other peoples journals who I like, only a select few. Gotta be minimalist. there's a couple guys I follow but I won't open myself up to too much new journals because I don't want to absord negative energy & yes I know I am a hypocrite. And no In a sense I don't even respect my own perspective or journal, it fucking sucks, I talked so much nonsense & I'm not ok with it. Fresh start. I have spread much negative energy at times. Lord forgive me for my sins. My mood is more stable & more clarity right now. I love life & I love people really, I love myself too, but this microdose fucked my brain up, but that doesn't mean I'm weak!, I'm still going to work 14 hours starting from right now, but my neurotransmitters little fucked right now but fuck it man so fucking what I saw a fucking 1 foot midget woman on my travels, 1 foot midget, she even looked happy & grateful in a sense, maybe she wasn't I mean hard life but cmon bro what the fuck man.

Ah fuck. I should NOT have taken that microdose. Something is very off with my brain & vision right now (next day). Struglling to process information & reading a screen is very blury. I'm always highly sensitive to anything remotely psychedelic. I need to stay far away from it, the "just a bit of this just a tiny but doesn't hurt" doesnt apply to me some reason Ithink, the smallest micro of anything psychoactive fucks me up, normally lasts a week at least. I need to stop being a fool, my intention was positive and it backfired, I have to stop trying to chase complex solutions & stick with basics I know work like detox & just raw time management ect... my vision is blury, I have weird sensation in my face, I don't feel good right now. I have very cranky synthetic mood which reminds of me of smoking some weed even tiniest amount does this to me. Never again, I'm just going to drink to relax and then be mostly sober. Anyone who claims "Oh you're missing out u must take psychedelics" Like no you fucking retard it doesn't benefit a lot of people understand this, I reckon at least 30-50% are made worse from it, that's not a fucking "rare edge case" you fucking deluded retards.

Tried to go to bed. Dumb Idea. My room is cold + lying down started watching dumb tik tok vids for an hour. Sucks. If i'm gonna be awake at night I better be watching something that sparks my mind, I don't enjoy silly shit (well I do a bit but) but I like mind electricity more. There's a lot of background anxiety. I can feel these thoughts a lot. It's more a feeling but I know it's founded upon these subconscious thoughts, like Will I always be stuck, what if I start backsliding again this week & the cycle just continues, that's happen before. What if I never attract the girls I want, what if I never get the life I want, what if I just fail miserably at everything & none of my true potential is realized, what If I never end up following my true strengths & passions, what if i get stuck in this orange grind watching candles forever, and what if I don't even make much money doing that, due to my personal weaknesses, so I never even make enough from that to quickly let some of that go & do what I might be called to do? What if I keep living a life untrue to myself, what if i never truly break free from the stubborn chains of my imagination of what others do, could or would think of me before unapologetically doing everything non private that I truly feel called to do or express about myself? What if this whole journal & all my posts & all the videos I watched & all the fucking thousands of hours I spent creating this online income stream all goes to waste & I never build the capital to catapult myself towards my dreams & this all becomes a big fucking joke & I'm the guy who just talked the talked & almost walked the walk but instead got stuck staring at the whiteboard with the chalk, no flower got stuck as a stalk LMAOO WTF Am I saying here jajajjajahaha. I have become increasingly uncomfortable about my appearance because I'm looking so tired & ill in the face these days it's not very appealing. I'm not sure what I think about this microdose. I think it's amazing & horrible at the same time. I'm not sure if I want to do it again. The mental stimulation is great though, I just should've taken it in the morning. But at one point it was too uneasy. I will have to try half dose next time. It's very refreshing & soothing to finally see a more organized ditial journal system. This year is the year of intention. I missed most of my goals this year. This time I approach my goals with the assumption that they're unlikely to occur, the odds are against me, and that I have to fight very hard to give them any chance of occurring, and that I must pre-emptively visualize, foresee & plan through the entire process & leverage multiple tools & techniques to stand a chance. My failure to achieve desired goal/experience ect.. is like a force, or a monster that I am at war with, he normally wins, but this time that big old bully is finally gonna get a beating. I think. My next steps : Improve sleep, Try start eating only organic non packaged foods & stomach the price & lack of convenience, Cut out dairy & find cleaner protien sources Sell more stuff Most country ASAP Study notes for next career call Finish finalizing an intutive commonplacebooks structure that can work itself seamlessly & bring about success & tranquility FInish browser set ups FInish ebook & ebook editor set up Finish other digital journal Look into obsidian as extra creativity tool, not priority tho Stop getting lost in mind & Take consistent prrioritized action seriously every second.

What I expected before Microdose : Neurogenesis, good mood, mental stimulation, creativity, insights, work ethic. I had all of this for about 30 minutes, But once it properly kicked in, I just couldn't stop sweating. I'm still sweating now. So much face sweating. Must be toxin related.