Natasha Tori Maru

Fuck breakfast 😈 I usually throw up if I eat within 2/3 hours of waking. I raw dog the morning

It might be worth it to sit and write out your beliefs - there are many here in this passage alone. Begin a really open enquiry into each one. What is it, where is came from. How does it make you feel? What happens in the body when you think about these things? You are somewhat anthropomorphising God - as Leo raised. Look into that projection 🙏

Ah! Okay - I am familiar with this. Prior to - shall we say - the 'resistance' to judging of experience, I used pressure to create solutions. Which you could supplant with 'friction required' - as you coin. The impulse I had previously came with an element of force (pressure, friction). And a latent, ever buzzing anxiety would hum in the background of my days at work. I bounced my focus of this anxiety to come up with creative solutions to problems that arise in the moment from the active construction site, and to planning builds with many latent conditions and unusual build phases. Hypervigilance was used to accomplish this. One day I had this experience of total stop. I guess a cessation? Experienced stopped having a center. I didn't seem to have experience - suddenly experience had me. I stopped judging experience. And with that, all resistance was removed. It seemed when problems arose on site (I work commercial construction as a project manager/estimator) I naturally attended to them, then returned to my previous task. I simply trusted I would be able to find the solution to any changing event. I looked at sequences and made changes to hopefully get to an outcome. I trusted I knew exactly what to do when a certain set of variables lined up to influence a positive outcome. Now that is all I do - watch and act to influence the outcome I need. I no longer get anxious about the outcome - I feel it is out of my control. The attachment to the outcome was removed which produced an equanimous state even at work. Because I stopped feeling as if I was the center of my experience, I no longer looked at some tasks as good, bad, fun, boring. The tasks just got done by the body. I had no where else I wanted to be. If I had to wash the dishes or file some invoices - it was an experience free of judgement and so, welcome. Having said that, I operate from that state at work 90% + of the time now. It feels like I am not doing anything - like I do not make a direct decision. My hands just type the emails they need to. Take off quantities as needed with the mouse. Call those who need information. Order on such a date so as to hopefully have materials on a date. There are times I slip out from this state back into a distortion of experience back to my force driven way of being. But these are less and less. And when it does happen - I backtrack and pay attention to what put me in that state as a way to identify where in my process I am contracting. I 'work' (dissolve?) these contractions. But not dissolve ego. After all - even if the ego is an illusion, we cannot kill something that didn't exist in the first place I suppose ego is like the moon - it is illuminated. But it is an illusion that appears to have light. The light is from the sun. The moon is present and shines in brilliance - but it is an illusion. I suppose the above answers: Most of the time - yes! Especially in estimating where not only do I quote large medical refits and science facilities - but gantt charts for the construction programs. And due to the nature of my work (medical construction) the program wins the bid in many cases. Operations and downtime are usually the top consideration when the work is state/federal. Money isn't as much of an issue. So creative solutions are how we win bids. I think I used to fear that without my ego I would not have the compulsion to achieve. But seeing through it arose effortlessness that enabled me to achieve and do so much more without the mind wasting power that came with resistance, anxiety & force. That energy now goes to the feeling of the body just - doing its thing. I digress and I may not have answered directly.... I enjoyed your question and the answer process though

May I ask - what it is you are dissolving, or think needs to be dissolved? I have not lost agency in my process. On the contrary - the body moves. Tasks are done. Deadlines met. Sleeping happens. Body eats. It all happens when it should, just as it should. But with no resistance. Effortless power. All resistance to experience is lowered - flow and ease are restored. Like there is no centre. I still accomplish a lot. More than many.

Overthinking, overanalysing - seperates the body from the mind.

Do we think others help us, or is it that we help ourselves? Maybe we can recieve a push that causes a stumble and realignment - but it is *us* that does the realigning. In my experience

Yeah I eat starchy shit - potatoes /pumpkin are my main carbs. I run in the morning so without the carbs I would bonk HARD. We ain't talking rabbit food - I don't find that sustainable at all.

Yeah of course: carrots, zucchini, potatoes, eggplant, bell peppers, beetroot, pumpkin, cauliflower, broccoli, yams, green beans, avocados etc etc All the good stuff 😁 I don't life off shrubs or anything lol

If you cannot taste the incredible variety of flavour in raw unsalted nuts - you are a victim of overseasoned or processed food. Or you smoke. I think combining foods is also something to pay attention to. @Sugarcoat fyi the majority of my diet (70% +) is just from vegetables 😊 been eating this way since 18yo.

Vegetables, fruits, eggs, fish and small amounts of red meat on occassion. Cottage cheese. Tea, coffee, water. Some nuts added in. I am very lactose intolerant and have fructose malabsorption 🥹 so I have to avoid foods containing those in large amounts. I don't eat bread, pasta, rice, processed sugar. I basically avoid anything processed / artificial. Most people cannot eat this way. But it is easy for me, because if I eat badly my spiritual practice is shit, my work is poo, sleep is not good and energy / happiness is reduced. I just happen to be very sensitive to the effects of foods, so it makes avoiding very easy ☺️ Wheat gives me joint pain as well. Some sort of generic thing I got from my Dad. @Sugarcoat

I eat clean so rarely pass gas. And when I do - zero smell. I tend to go to the bathroom if it does happen. I can make them soundless no worries. Good control But if one slips out accidently it doesn't bother me - no shame Burping I am okay with - no smell, less chance of offence. Some of my tradie mates can make that shit resonate As with anything... balance. The middle way !

I always tell myself; it's reality showing me what I still haven't accepted and integrated in myself. I usually only feel okay judging others for things I haven't claimed I do myself. Otherwise I wouldn't be comfortable hating it. If I did, I would have to hate myself.... Some more ego to see through 🙃

In some way or another, since I can remember being aware of things outside of me. 'Natasha! Stop asking why!!' 'That is just how it is, stop asking' It helped I was a talented artist, and the compulsion to create satisfied a lot of the persistent existential crisis of my questioning 😊 It always seemed just - wrong - that everyone around me took reality, and their understanding of it, for granted.

@VioleGrace he was totally uncompromising in making what he envisioned. He had an idea and wouldn't let it go. And it was an overarching concept that he applied to all apple products, not just anything in isolation. He wanted a totally integrated ecosystem that emphasised beauty & pleasure to use. He was pretty combative in persuing this vision. And the detail that went into his vision was impressive: it went so far as to focus on font, typeface, balance... He wanted technology to be beautiful as well as functional. That sort of top-down wholistic view meant that the products he created were always cohesive and high standard. The drive and lack of compromise are worth witnessing in his interviews for inspiritation 😊 He TOLD people what they wanted that they didn't even know they wanted.

Haha our advice sounds insane put like that! I wasn't comfortable quoting that high with no support but it taught me a lot 😊 @Ramasta9 I just keep going with the work while allowing the emotion/feeling. It probably looks bonkers from the outside! But it lets me move through it, and walk away reasonably chill 🙃

I am in the same boat. I just finished a brutal Christmas crunch in construction. Anyone who has worked in the field knows it is stupid at the end of the year. There is a mandatory 4 week shutdown in Australia, everyone is trying to get everything done for handovers and tenders. I love the time off, but the month preceding it is awful. I was in charge of all estimating and handover for a breast screening facility. I know my limits now, I'll say that. I just sat in my office the last 2 days crying in frustration quoting up $3mill of work to keep the company going next year. Just calling for quotes, doing takeoffs. Full no shame crying at the same time. I lost all fucks regarding professionalism Strangely enough, the crying felt really good! Even while also being humiliating. So I would say any emotional release will help. I also: swam at dawn for 30 minutes before work + 30 minutes meditation. Went for a hike midday at a local river sacred to aboriginals. 30 minutes meditation prior to dinner. Movement, 'do nothing' meditation and breathing mediation really helped. I really think movement in general is amazing just to move & clear the lymphatic system of the body. I also often like to lie on the ground with my legs elevated above my heart - this is so calming. Good food and sleep are staples. Probably the best part of my days was pissing around on this forum for laughs, and.... playing with my dog. Animals man. It is like full witnessing no-self in action Poodle cuddling the feet while at work, chasing the ball. Doing tricks. Stealing food. Giving sideye.

Yeah man respect - it takes tactile skill to do it well and not slash the fuck out of yourself 🦈

My ex had me shave his head every 3 days - I think he moisturized after which may have helped? It takes some skill to do it on yourself, unless your head is like, super smooth. Which is rare... You got ridges and mental as fuck hair patterns and crowns that mean you have to change razor direction a lot to get it even. I think I noticed how killer Leo gets it because I shaved dudes heads a lot... And all the ridges and hair directions make it a challenge. Shit sounds like a euphemism Man this conversation is too weird for me 🤣

It's always so clean. Nice ritual. This description is sending me 💀 Fucken deceased lol

Not really blog related but I am curious: @Leo Gura do you shave your head with a razor and foam? Cos man, it's clean. My ex used to get me to shave his head, and the feeling of Velcro as it grew back was like, the best tactile sensation for the palms of my hands. Can't describe it. Sounds feral but it was like warm, soft Velcro. What the fuck lol Don't shame me 🫣

https://youtu.be/9R1die4Hsw0?si=Yufgipcva1JwWcxB

@tuku747 Oh shit, it is too real >.< I am absolutely ATTACKED.

Steve Jobs is a good example.

Ha ha ha - a bunch of vision sensations, smell sensations, touch sensations, possibly taste sensations. Maybe some sounds in there. Just a bunch of is. Happenings. Ams. That constitute some experience arising... 🍌🍌🍌