mandyjw

@EmptyVase ?❤

Yeah spiritual bypassing is pretending, or thinking you feel a certain way because it's "right" or "true" rather than owning how you TRULY feel. After you get a glimpse of what you really are anger is not going to be so easily repressed, it's important to express not repress anger. This LOOKS like regression, because anger is demonized not just in spirituality but by society. It's not regression at all. You're no longer willing to resist how you really feel with thoughts. You learn to express anger not AT anyone, not holding anyone or anything as the reason for it, but fully feeling it for the first time is only possible when you don't make it about anyone or anything. If we conceptually make it about our failure as good people or spiritual people, we can't release it.

Ha. Erasure. era sure. If you decontextualize anything with the word nothing in it, it becomes a pointer. There's Nothing to worry about. In other words, nothing is worth paying attention to except for Awareness/Nothing. Oooo! I like it. I like it. Pay attention to the sense "I Am". I feel a sense of longing. It's easy to bulldoze over it, saying "yes, you long because everything is here, "I Am". But the thought turning it into an ideal or a solution isn't it. The longing itself already needs no solution. I saw a stone in the cemetery with "Thine yet to love" engraved on it, and I thought it was brilliant. Ohh.. nausea. Impulse to think up a story of explanation about my possible past life. Wondering what people are thinking, feeling dumb. Don't think about that! This is a lot, a lot. I have to change everything. Everything. Everything. "feeling dumb" is not a phrase I want in my vocabulary. It's numb. Overwhelm. Damn, the longing was doubt! DAMN. You ask and it is given. For real! Is real. I wanted to know what that emotion really was. Consciousness is not a linear progression because it is not a perspective nor is it limited by dimensions. The disappointment is a facet of greater glory. It cannot be seen from your vantage point if you hold to a perspective limited by dimensions though.

LOVE FEELS LIKE LOVE. "We cannot acknowledge the perfection of where you stand while we condemn where you came from." FUCK. "Most people know that blame feels better than guilt." The entire spiral dynamics model is blown out of the water by the emotional scale.

Go for a walk, clear your mind. Maybe go to a park or a quiet spot like that with notebook. Sit down and write out a list of 10 things you love about her. Not loved, but love... still admire. Feel into each one. Love, not the idea that we love or the idea that we must cut ourselves off from love but the direct felt love is the only thing that both merges seamlessly and lets go of effortlessly. ❤

Aww... sending you a big hug. Drop the "selfish bastard", "ego backlash" thought label shit. The feeling bad after was emotional guidance guiding you TO unconditional love. It came OF unconditional love to guide you TO it. Not backlash, that's just how brilliant you/Love is. Love feels like love. It's a reward unto itself. Sometimes we give gifts out of diligence and fear that it won't be received and appreciated how we want it to be. We cut ourselves off from the love of giving in order to try to control the outcome. Love feels like love. Sounds like the dumbest pointer, but I swear to god, it's the most direct. Sometimes we mistake action for love, thought for love, circumstance for love, even the thought of a feeling for love, but love directly feels like love. No self or other in it. You are Perfect. Not a selfish bastard, not backlashing. Perfectly imperfect because perfect would leave something to be desired and therefore be imperfect. You actually desire to be desiring. Perfect. Love.

Take me back, take me back. It's a revolution, we only go forward but we always come back around. Force, farce, or Source? What is Source, can have no Source. I'm supposed to be making sandwiches. Maybe the idea that there's something wrong with you, is what's wrong. What is Source, can have no source. https://youtu.be/XjGbPRleP7Y Seems a bit convoluted, but Source, I love the way you love me. It's funny how adults turn into children again. You look in a child's eyes, (preferably one that isn't yours) and it's pure delusion, pure innocence and there are no expectation. You're just in awe of this wonderous creature, exploring, making dumb mistakes, pretending, imagining, and you see the perfection in it. When did it change for us? Take me back, take me back. It's a revolution, we only go forward but we always come back around.

Not to be a bitch, but whatcha doing right now in this thread then? You're doing it already, anyway. You are doing anything in your power to prevent releasing it. Sounds like doubt right now. "I doubt this will work." I need circumstances to change before I can feel better, but they aren't so I'm going to write about my circumstances and how they ARE rather than write and express and release how I feel. Even though I know my circumstances are caused by how I'm feeling. Put how you feel first for once. Everything follows. Not until. Emotions lead and run the show.

That's the same as despair. As you start expressing sometimes you find you mislabeled an emotion and it's worse or more mild than you labeled it. It doesn't really matter though, expression is what brings about the clarity to notice that.

Well when you feel an emotion sit down, express it, write about IT, not where you are or what you think you are, but the emotion and thoughts around the emotion, and work your way up the scale. Is there anger, blame around this? Express it. Not TO anyone, express it for yourself.

You aren't emotionless. You're telling yourself a story about being emotionless and not liking the crappy feeling emotion that ensues in response to the story, and are trying to rid yourself of it rather than feel it, you're actually identifying with having no identity. Check the scale and find the emotion you are experiencing, express the emotion (through writing) and allow yourself to express the emotions up the scale.

We would pass on our own discordant views and beliefs, as teachers, parents and friends rather than doubt them ourselves. Doubt is a beautiful, beautiful thing. Naturally, someone who doubts would be very inclined to doubt himself. But what if he went so far as to doubt the very efficacy of the self he was doubting? What is Source can have no source.

I'm so annoyed by any buildup on my teeth I have a tooth scaler. Tried a waterpick once, got the entire bathroom soaked and thought it was so over the top it reminded me of the time I used a pressure washer to clean the concrete and didn't realize it was so powerful I was boring holes in it.

Like @Bazooka Jesus pointed out, we seem to get lost and wrapped up in ideas about ourselves existing in time, nonduality is the mind sort of catching up with the logical understanding of what it directly knows are true. I'd suggest reading The Power of Now and seeing if it resonates. It's a great place to start but also isn't nonduality. Have you ever experienced the future outside of a thought about it? How about the past? So all there is is now. It can seem on the surface like a dumb realization but the ramifications of living it totally changes eveeeerything.

The Revolution that never started.

?❤

How do you express boredom? Oh. That's another I don't let myself feel cause spiritual ego. I'm bored. Ah. I'm allowed to feel bored! Really though I'm never bored. Who is talking? Who knows? Who is the one who is bored? Wisdom is the biggest fuckery. FUCKERY. It's all fuckery. Why else is it pronounced wis-dumb? HA! I'm on to you! Who? I ALWAYS KNEW I WAS DUMB! VERY DUMB! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! You knew... as in you were intelligent enough to know that you are dumb? YES! Oh.... I entertain myself because I don't like to feel boredom. That's another one. Is it wrong to not want to feel boredom? No, but if you're willing to suffer for it, you'll know cause you suffer. There really is no boredom, but you can't tell a child who believes the monster is the cause of their fear that there is no monster and have the fear disappear. Bore-dumb! Snicker *Italicized face palm*

"What you're always doing is defending, justifying or rationalizing when you're headed upstream." https://youtu.be/hoWITfgINRA I ended my last video "and there's nothing disappointing about that whatsoever." Fresh comment this morning to remind me. Someone just take me out back and shoot me? K, Insecurity/Guilt/Unworthiness Jealousy, I'm jealous of teachers who don't shit on their own work. I'm jealous of people who weren't raised by parents who were always doubting themselves. I'm jealous of people who don't apologize or feel the need to apologize. Hatred/Rage I hate these people. I hate them for misleading. I hate Leo for teaching a whole bunch of perspectives that leave people feeling horrible and suicidal and doing nothing to stop it but saying "don't make a mockery of this work." It makes me furious. Revenge Uhmmm... Posting this on the forum. Revenge? How is revenge an emotion Abraham? I'll shit on your emotional scale and get revenge for also being shitty teacher. Ha ha ha! I'm making a mockery of this work. Goddamn, now I'm amused. I'm AMUSED. I'm supposed to be focused on feeling like shit. This is so fucking brilliant Abraham! Sheer brilliance. Ok. Anger Yeah it's normal to be amused when you're angry. I'm still angry. I don't understand what the fuck is going on here. I don't like that I feel like flawed premises were imposed on me. Am I a pioneer? Or did someone forge this path? Cause you did a shitty fucking job! Am I part of the Donner party? Discouragement This is where I STARTED LAST NIGHT. Only BACK WHERE I STARTED. How discouraging. Again, I don't see any clarity here, I don't see any direction. I can't see through this fucking blizzard. You said this was a SHORTCUT. Blame It's a whole lot of people's fault for not listening to their feelings. My grade school teacher's fault for destroying my confidence. Blame feels shitty. I don't like to throw my power away by blaming others, but really the whole of human civilization fucked up big time. Can't blame it on any one. Why. Why. Why. Worry This seems like a strange jump. I'm worried that life is written like Game of Thrones. That good doesn't win but it's just a whole lot of shocking random fuckery. I'm worried I will have to feel disappointment. Doubt I almost quit right here. I doubt this is working. How hilarious. Disappointment Again, Game of Thrones. I believed in progression. I see evidence of progression, but I am seeing a lot that is not progressing in linear fashion and I am disappointed. Overwhelm, I shouldn't be doing this, there's so much I need to do instead. I think I'm the one doing it. Frustration I don't like following these guidelines. The dog got my chair wet. There's nothing I can DO that will solve "this". My projection of emotional discord is my own emotional discord. I'M not progressing. I'M a mess. Pessimism Tragedies happen in beautiful places. It is Game of Thrones. Boredom What's there to do about it? Contentment I do enjoy the drama, the expression of it. I love that Dr.P's mansion burned down in a huge fire 100 years ago. It's perfection. I love chaos. Is this pessimism, or am I just sick? Reminds me of asking myself if the contraction I felt was really warmth of if I was just sick? Where does the idea "I'm sick" becuse I'm not suffering come from? I'm not allowed to NOT feel bad about misfortune. I'm a witch. The devil. Chaos magic. Sick. Who enjoys Game of Thrones. A lot of people, apparently. Sick. It's sick. Obviously we skipped some emotions and we're still in pessimism. Honesty, you're a brutal bitch. You feel kinda good though. Kinda? What's this "kinda" shit? We feel really good.

So I demonize, resist and am unwilling to feel disappointment and hopefulness because of my spiritual ego. I AM ABOVE THESE HUMAN EMOTIONS, YOU PISSANTS. Interesting.

Confession, theoretically I find the emotional scale to be incredibly helpful. However actually using it as a tool has never clicked. Not sure it wIll. WHO KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN. LATELY I REALLY ENJOY WRITING IN ALL CAPS. I DON'T KNOW WHY. I am feeling discouraged. I've tried blaming people, so far has been unsuccessful. Those assholes. They won't comply. Can't decide which one is at fault for long either. I don't know about journaling publicly or posting on youtube. A get a rush or energy from it, that I can't seem to find on my own. And I think like there's something very wrong with me because of this. I heard this song today. I generally dislike the song because obviously the singer is in a place of anger. Today a line jumped out at me though. Song "Good 4 You" Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy Not me, if you ever cared to ask Good for you, you're doing great out there without me, baby God, I wish that I could do that I wish I could be unconditional! I am. Alright, worry. What am I supposed to do convince myself I'm worried? I am skeptical. I'm worried that I will say the wrong thing. I'm worried that I won't be ok on my own, that I won't be happy and will wither and die, and life has been lonely enough so I have to be out kicking asses, taking names and enlightening the world (har har) or my LIFE IS A WASTE. Doubt. Oh yes, I doubt a lot of things. I doubt that I can even find a solution that feels satisfactory. I doubt myself. Disappointment. I'm really fucking disappointed in so many things. Oh this one hits hard. Nothing turned out how it was supposed to. From the Christmas tree this year that got knocked over several times and never looked how I envisioned, to my relationships, to the trajectory of this forum and my own endeavors ensuing. It's a great big fucking disappointment. The fact that I couldn't maintain my hatred for country music is disappointing. Daddy isn't superman. The religion I was given as a child turned out to be false and all the love and church was fake. It was fake. I made fantastic friendships and connected and was told to fuck off. They disappear. I'm left with nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Overwhelm. Jesus FUCK, I'm always overwhelmed. I haven't bothered to comb my hair and this day did not get checked off the things that needed to be done. Do I know what I'm making for supper? No. Frustration/Irritation/impatience Kids are on screen break free time. Dog is eating a soccer ball. I don't know if any of this is helpful. Pessimism Y'all go to hell mother fuckers. I don't believe this works. It's just convincing myself. All this is fake. All of it. Boredom Gray and blah and gray and blah. I don't DO boredom. Yeah ok, I'm bored, AF. No one wants to play with me. No one wants to make anything. It's too boring to do on my own. Contentment, easy, 80's music. Hopefulness. HOPE IS A TRICK. I know that things are always working out for me. Optimism I know that some amaaaazing things are in the works. I don't need to know, now do I want to know all of what they are. I love surprise. I love the twists and turns. I love that this is unfolding, for no one and out of no thing. Ok, this was mostly laborious, helpful, but disappointment triggered something, hit hard and wasn't on my radar, AT ALL. I must have been avoiding feeling disappointment. Why would I be resistant to expressing disappointment? Because I know that it was caused by my having expectations and ambitions and these things are WRONG and I feel wrong for having "had" them. "I" "KNOW" "better" than that. Therefore I am not allowed to express disappointment and admit it to myself. Also, because I didn't want to let go of them by admitting that they were in fact disappointments. disappoint (v.) mid-15c., disappointen, "dispossess of appointed office," from dis- "reverse, opposite of" + appoint, or else from Old French desapointer "undo the appointment, remove from office" (14c., Modern French from désappointer). Modern sense of "to frustrate the expectations or desires of" is from late 15c. of persons; of plans, etc., "defeat the realization or fulfillment of," from 1570s, perhaps via a secondary meaning of "fail to keep an appointment." https://www.etymonline.com/word/disappoint?ref=etymonline_crossreference I'm disappointing myself from being responsible for everything going right. I'm letting go of this position. YOU'RE FIRED. YOU CAN'T FIRE ME, I QUIT FIRST. How do I really feel though? This realization, of what I "really" am faaaaar, faaaaaaaaar, FAAAAAAAAAAR exceeded any expectations I had. I didn't have any. I never expected this! This is far, FAR, FAR better than anything I've ever dreamed to expect. I did nothing to achieve this. This is unexpectable bestowed on me, and this isn't anything I can lose. But it's ok, to feel disappointed sometimes. Well, THAT was unexpected.

We continually cover over feeling discomfort and tensions in the body with thinking. It sweeps it under the rug, it doesn't deal with it. But still, it's out of sight. Even the labeling it discomfort is the sweeping. If you pull up the rug to address what's under there, it's gonna look like a startling mess for a hot minute.

My (thought) mind (thought). Does mind have thoughts or is mind a thought? What is your experience right now? Imagine consciousness as a flashlight. Think of your mind as a hand figure placed in front of the flashlight. Think of your senses as the seeing of the resulting projection on the wall. Thinking oneself to be a mind is the identification with the hand figure. You are actually the light, you are not what is partially blocking the light. consciousness ( with a little c, consciousness that can be lost when you pass out and regained) filtered through mind is itself dualistic, subject/object. Do not mistake consciousness for Consciousness. "One and only" are actually dualistic concepts. One is defined, as if there were lines drawn around it to define it, excluding it from the outside somehow. There is no defining. Defining is mind, it's the hand figure. You are the light looking at the projection of the hand figure saying "one" and "mine". At no point did the light ever become one and mine and yet the appearance of "one and mine" are also made up only of the light.

A couple weeks ago I opened a new book that was wrapped with really thin, clear plastic film. I put the plastic in the trash but it was really clingy and a piece stuck to my hand. I was impatient and annoyed and I started flinging my hand over the trash can violently and the more I moved the more charged the static electricity got and the more stuck the plastic was. It wasn't until I stopped, looked, laughed at myself, realized the perfection of the metaphor and patiently picked it off and slowly placed it in the trash that I rid myself of the plastic. Thoughts are like this. The only way we can rid ourselves of something is to think it. However, this thinking it actually draws it into our experience. It charges the electricity. So essentially, the "bad" news is, you cannot rid yourself of anything. The more you try the more it becomes firmly stuck. The good news is that what we can do is direct our focus to what we DO want. Not a thought about what we do want, saying it's not here, but the feeling of it. You do not want to suck at life. You do want wellbeing. You want ease, flow, excitement. What does wellbeing feel like? What do these things feel like? Do they feel like trying? Do they feel like noticing that what I want hasn't come yet? Do they feel like beating myself up? That's just charging the static electricity of "stuck". Instead of judging where you are in thought, pay attention to how you feel. Give yourself a break. Make a list of things you love doing, not as means to an end, not as a means of improving the person, but just for the pleasure of them. You ARE life. You are not a means to an end. You do not have to prove anything to anyone. You do not have to prove yourself to yourself. How could you? You are already yourself. Like the light of the sun shines without making an effort and yet all energy IS it, your wellbeing is already without you doing anything, who you really Are. Does your heart beat based on you efforting and reminding it to keep pace? No. Tap in to that intelligence and wellbeing that is prior to thought. Drop the thoughts that cling and stick that say you aren't it. Thoughts are the only thing that is stuck. Not you.

I love you, but your points are very racist, sexist, demeaning and disempowered for literally everyone. I don't care to address things like that as if I agree and also assume that they are true, I instead prefer to introduce another perspective. You might think that the shoe fits if you're used to wearing shoes that pinch, until you try on a pair that does fit.

@Thought Art Ok, well, I'm not a model, so can't help you there. https://youtu.be/ZnZ2XdqGZWU?t=122