mandyjw

While this all sounds great, you're trying to act out unconditional love, own unconditional love and use it for your benefit, and it's unconditional. You conditioned it. See the problem? It will backfire every time. You are free to express yourself, free to push the boundaries in conversation of what people are comfortable with. When you expect a certain result and are surprised for getting kicked out of a bar that shows that you were doing it for an outcome. The unconditional love but not caring part is not genuine if it cares about the outcome. Does this establishment serve food? Generally when an establishment is selling food and/or drinks, they don't want people talking about disgusting subjects. If you owned a restaurant and someone started talking about their cats bowel movements loudly, for a long period of time, you'd throw them out. You might not be thinking about it from the perspective of the business owner. Forget about what the girls thought and consider how they might feel about it.

It's safe here. Sitting in the humble pie seat. You might get rejected if you sit in the seat of honor as if it belongs to you. I can control this situation. I reject myself. I wait for someone to say, "Hey, take the seat of honor. You don't belong down there!" But they never come. Because it's my fucking party, my table. My pride is my shame. My shame is my pride. It doesn't matter what seat you sit in. The house next door. I have dreams about the house next door. Mildred, she was in the nursing home when we moved in, and died a few years later. She was crazy according to my neighbors. The Jehovah's witnesses said she was really nice. Wouldn't trust either of them. Her name means "strength, from the marsh". There is a sort of wet marsh right behind the house. I love witchy creepy, fairytale like stuff like that. My Grandmother told me she was married in that house, and that I was related to Mildred. In this place you can't get away without being related to everyone some how. There was a boy who had a crush on me all through grade school. I didn't want to deal with it, so I tried to tell him we were cousins. He checked with his mom and reported back that it was too distant to be a problem. The house is empty. Now, there's just this incessant beeping alarm going off. I only hear it when I walk by, thankfully. They didn't even check on it this year. With real estate going crazy, still, no one cares. It's a real eye sore, the whole community is improving and yet this house is just left to rot. But it's also kind of uniquely beautiful. A little creepy. I SO want to see inside it. I keep having dreams of what it would be like. I don't know what this has to do with anything. Apparently I'm a controlling bitch. Apparently the Bible was right and wives must submit. Apparently appearances are an appearance. appear (v.) late 13c., "come into view," from stem of Old French aparoir, aperer "appear, come to light, come forth" (12c., Modern French apparoir), from Latin apparere "to appear, come in sight, make an appearance," from ad "to" (see ad-) + parere "to come forth, be visible; submit, obey," which is of uncertain origin; de Vaan says from a PIE *prh-o- "providing." Of persons, "present oneself," late 14c. Meaning "seem, have a certain appearance" is late 14c. Related: Appeared; appearing. Source, you be fucking with me. In my husband's parents church which they built with all their money, they used to sing this song, "Obedience is my very best friend, it shows that you believe." It made me want to fucking explode and break things. https://youtu.be/_5Bvb5L14Zo Last night I was talking with him and I made some parody of it, and I can't remember what it was. obey (v.) c. 1300, obeien, "carry out the commands of (someone); submit to (a command, rule, etc.); be ruled by," from Old French obeir "obey, be obedient, do one's duty" (12c.), from Latin obedire, oboedire "obey, be subject, serve; pay attention to, give ear," literally "listen to," from ob "to" (see ob-) + audire "listen, hear" (from PIE root *au- "to perceive"). Same sense development is in hiersumnian, the Old English word for the same thing.

Neither men or women are conscious at all. You are conscious of men and women. You are not a thing that has consciousness. You might say that consciousness has you.

Hey guys, guess what? Things and people and circumstances don't make you happy! immanent (adj.) "indwelling, remaining within, inherent," 1530s, via French immanent (14c.) or directly from Late Latin immanens, present participle of immanere "to dwell in, remain in," from assimilated form of in- "into, in, on, upon" (from PIE root *en "in") + Latin manere "to dwell" (from PIE root *men- (3) "to remain"). In medieval philosophy contrasted with transitive; later with transcendent. Related: Immanently. https://www.etymonline.com/word/immanent Which means when we feel bad about something, it's not the thing that we think is causing it, it's the thought about it. The feeling is the guidance that the thought is not in accordance with... cord=heart. accord (v.) early 12c., "come into agreement," also "agree, be in harmony," from Old French acorder "agree, be in harmony" (12c.), from Vulgar Latin *accordare "make agree," literally "be of one heart, bring heart to heart," from Latin ad "to" (see ad-) + cor (genitive cordis) "heart" (used figuratively for "soul, mind"), from PIE root *kerd- "heart." Compare concord, discord. Related: Accorded; according. It's not in accordance with the center of who you really are. https://youtu.be/H4ifSrE8iSg Why do I feel as if I'm the only fuck up? "I am separate, and I'm bad and inept, and inadequate." In the strip, Calvin is "real" and Hobbes isn't, but in reality, neither are real.

@Loba Beautiful! ❤❤❤

The answer is yes and no. There is no conflict between the core essence of the two (or more) religions as you might imagine, the meaning of the word yoga is union, and this is quite a beautiful realization. What exactly are you afraid of, what could possibly be lost by diverting from Christianity? Traditional Christianity says that we are forgiven of sin, timelessly, perfectly, unconditionally, so what are you worried about losing? If what the core essence of Christianity is is true, what could you possibly lose?

What's the difference between love and disgust? (What the fuck kind of question is that?) All these people I've obsessively loved and hated, I can't hold them all in my mind at the same time. I even have a very light sort of strangely jealous, obsessive love for some lady in school administration. I mean... what the hell. BETH, YOU FUCKING BITCH in your giant SUV, DRIVING LIKE A MAN, I actually have a crush on you, or... something. Our last meeting, I mean damn... you were good. Like, damn. lady. I want what you have. You can't hold them, in mind at all. I already don't give a rat's ass. I think that there has been something, my greatest gift and my greatest downfall. That's how quickly I'm willing to admit that I'm wrong. Oh, that's total bullshit! You believe that you are quickly willing to admit that you're wrong. Is that right, or wrong? Oh fuck off! Oh GOD! All my pride is my shame.

Chris was a fuck up. Despicable. Ugly, I thought initially. Fat. I was serious about cross country. I could outrun him by minutes. A boy I could outrun. Ugh. Then at some point toward the end of the season I tolerated him. He totally just didn't fucking care about anything, everything was an enormous joke to him, no shame. One race I was with my friend and we were far behind the coach. He decided it would be fun to pick me up and carry me off. I have been sheltered from everything, and any experience where I might have casual physical contact with boys my age. I remember being worried about running into a classmate in the hall. He was a friend, but I never really liked him, was always disgusted by him, with the same name, and the last name Needy. I thought that he might get me pregnant from running into me or something. Even though I knew it was insane. My parents really should have taken me to a psychologist. Now we have them in schools for kids. Society is doing better. Anyway. So the other Chris swings me over his shoulder, like scary quick and I end up having to grab him and wrap my arms around him to stay from falling on my head. And it's just hilarious to him, and I try to punch him and get him to put me down, and I yell, and I'm not really finding it funny, and he thinks this is all the better. Eventually he puts me down. I'm too good for this shit. So it gets later in the season. We are on a really long bus trip, everyone sits in the back of the bus. He seriously disgusted me most of the time. Most of my initial feelings toward him were complete disgust. He would exfoliate his feet on the bus. ?? In my family, my Dad has a foot aversion. Everyone in the house got toenail fungus except me, for some strange reason. I never got it. Still, you'd be yelled at for putting your feet up on things, and my sister got yelled and shamed and so to avoid this I always wore socks, because I felt like feet were something to be ashamed of. Like this was my problem for having feet, not my dad's. So on one trip, Chris grabs my leg and drags me forward so I end up stuck between the bus seat and the floor. And he rips off my shoe and sock and gives me an elaborate foot massage. Again I'm stuck, no option to fight. It was very strange. And the entire time, the peanut gallery is my friend who happens to be the adopted daughter of the detective who my mother went to to turn in the person who Chris was related to, and he's the reason our families have this huge tension between. She finds our interactions wildly entertaining. I wasn't allowed to like him. And he doesn't know this, or fucking care. He is just fun, SO frigging much fun. Crossing boundaries cause you don't care kind of fun. At some point, it hit me, can't eat, can't sleep in love. After this, just misery for months. After my confrontation months later, and the confession that I care, and his that he didn't, he transferred to another school closer to his house. I liked him because he didn't care, and I hated him because he didn't care. I dreamed about him continually until the awakening. There were a few lighthearted exchanges in the years passing, him picking up the lost shoe of another runner, and giving it to me because he was sick of carrying it. I ran ahead and gave it to its owner. Slow boys at cross country races. Bleh. It's so fucking ridiculously perfect. I couldn't have written it better myself. You did. So what did we learn. What was the surprise? You know this story well. What's new? He disgusted me. Completely disgusted me. I don't think I ever got over it.

I told him I care! And I was terrified. Jesus fucking Christ. I created the whole thing, to torture myself. "Jesus fucking Christ" Interesting. Wasn't that the whole big insight, he said he didn't give a rat's ass and it was forgiveness and he released you, but you turned it into a whole thing? Are we talking about Chris or Christ? Oh!!!! Just the difference is a t, which is shaped like a CROSS! FUCK ME! It's TOO FUCKING GOOD. I DEMAND THE WORLD TO SUCK MORE. I DEMAND THERE TO BE LOVE THAT CAN BE LOST. HIGH STAKES. UNFAIRNESS. SUFFERING. TORTURE. COMPULSION. And so it is. YOU SUCK! Anything you want. I don't want anything. Nothin'. Nope. None of it. Done. That wasn't a wish! We don't hear don't. HA! You said "don't" hear don't. What's that without the don'ts? We hear. Sigh... So profound. So profound I want to throw up. You're ridiculous! The etymology of ridiculous is funny. And Chris was funny, and you've just now started really enjoying blasphemous Jesus jokes, so what gives? Never mind, we know there's no what. Ah! Hilarious! fUCK ME, fUCK ME. fUUUUUCK ME. And that's what you were so afraid of saying. What you want and what you don't want, expressed in two words. (regular font bleeding into italicized font now) Two sides of the same coin. To who? No, what I was afraid of saying was, I love you. I like you. I enjoy you. And more than that just actually just fuckin done that. Done. Fucking vortex. Yeah, it'll suck you in. Like a whirlpool. You were saying that we suck earlier. Sunk cost fallacy. I suffered. I think I suffered. I think that meant something, so I will keep suffering. I think it's worth something. I BURIED MY COIN IN THE GROUND MOTHER FUCKERS! NO ONE'S TAKING THAT FROM ME. https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke 19&version=NIV "I care." Cute. I HATE JESUS. THAT ARROGANT FUCK WITH ALL HIS WISDOM. I'm scared. I buried the coin in the ground. Where is the Mother, taking compassion on me for being scared? What's with the last verse in that section? JESUS CHRIST! Do you realize you just made yourself scared? You just did that. Right there. When you were like, damn it, I should be scared, you made yourself actually scared, you found something scary that upset you. You did that. You still want compassion from someone else, but you. did. that. That's prior to and far, far, far better than compassion. Unless you're still sunk cost fallacy. SUNK COST FALLACY! THE BURIED COIN. SUNK COST. Woaaaaaaah. So people be thinking, "I'm smart, I make good investments, I'm wise enough to see through sunk cost stuff, er... I hope so, kinda scared it might pass me by." And then BOOM, sunk cost. People be thinking? I BE THINKING. OK. I. I. I did it. https://youtu.be/jRXZkdEj7YI All you people are the skewers of our dreams Like the cat that collared me Oh what I gotta say to you We got love, don't turn it down Turn it loud, let it build We got a long way to go But you gotta start somewhere Go door to door, spread the love you got You got the love, you get what you want Does it matter where you get it from? I for one don't turn my cheek for anyone Unturn your cheek to give your love, love to grow I did it Do you think I've gone too far? I did it Guilty as charged I did it It was me right or wrong I did it Yeah, yeah, yeah I don't like the Dave Matthews band. Who cares? Alright, now entirely practical. Can I pull my head out of my ass long enough to focus on my day? Who cares? That kind of thinking would be a sunk cost.

I feel jealous. I feel powerless. I feel insignificant. I feel shameful. hell (n.) also Hell, Old English hel, helle, "nether world, abode of the dead, infernal regions, place of torment for the wicked after death," from Proto-Germanic *haljō "the underworld" (source also of Old Frisian helle, Old Saxon hellia, Dutch hel, Old Norse hel, German Hölle, Gothic halja "hell"). Literally "concealed place" (compare Old Norse hellir "cave, cavern"), from PIE root *kel- (1) "to cover, conceal, save." The English word may be in part from Old Norse mythological Hel (from Proto-Germanic *halija "one who covers up or hides something"), in Norse mythology the name of Loki's daughter who rules over the evil dead in Niflheim, the lowest of all worlds (nifl "mist"). A pagan concept and word fitted to a Christian idiom. In Middle English, also of the Limbus Patrum, place where the Patriarchs, Prophets, etc. awaited the Atonement. Used in the KJV for Old Testament Hebrew Sheol and New Testament Greek Hades, Gehenna. Used figuratively for "state of misery, any bad experience" at least since late 14c. As an expression of disgust, etc., first recorded 1670s. You could confess all your deepest darkest sins and desires. But no one would give a fuck. What's the difference between not giving a fuck and forgiveness? "It's the terror of knowing what the world is about Watching some good friends screaming 'Let me out' Pray tomorrow gets me higher, high Pressure on people, people on streets Turned away from it all like a blind man Sat on a fence but it don't work Keep coming up with love but it's so slashed and torn Why, why, why? Love, love, love, love, love Insanity laughs under pressure we're breaking Can't we give ourselves one more chance? Why can't we give love that one more chance? Why can't we give love, give love, give love, give love Give love, give love, give love, give love, give love? 'Cause love's such an old fashioned word And love dares you to care for The people on the edge of the night And love (people on streets) dares you to change our way of Caring about ourselves This is our last dance This is our last dance This is ourselves under pressure Under pressure Pressure" Jealousy, like everyone is brilliant and enlightened and perfect. I see it. Except for me. For me.

I FEEL FUCKING GREAT! I'm also not sleeping or eating. But hey, I look great! I like what I see. Live or evil? I am absolutely completely disturbed by how psychologically stable I am right now. How is this possible? I would facepalm, but I'm just an italicized disembodied voice. I don't have a face. Are you done objectifying yourself? No. But at least I got a candy bar out of the deal.

(You shouldn't be journaling right now.) Write now. Magic. (You're just insane.) Are we doing this again? Yes, these lower vibrational states are a repeat of fuckery. Low. Hell. Forever and ever and ever. You so prided yourself in seeing through the reality of hell. Feels like gaslighting to burn up the lower vibrational states. Interesting choice of words. Hell is self-consuming... and non existent. I'll consume myself one way or another. How would you do that? I dunno. Maybe a shark. Maybe something darker. That wouldn't be you. If you knew you couldn't fail... even then, go fly off a fucking bridge. (Oh really, we're going there? God you are an insensitive hateful little bitch.) God? Are we talking about God? Isn't that what I wanted? To be just like Chris, totally fucking insensitive and not caring? Do you see how this both perfectly works out for you, and yet not at all? He was funny. I feel... immune to this. To the way I think this should feel. I feel... immune? To the way "I think" this should feel? You paid attention to how you felt. You thought that meant avoiding bad or impure things. It's because you cared about you felt. Is the care and the feeling two different things? care (n.) Old English caru, cearu "sorrow, anxiety, grief," also "burdens of mind; serious mental attention," in late Old English also "concern, anxiety caused by apprehension of evil or the weight of many burdens," from Proto-Germanic *karō "lament; grief, care" (source also of Old Saxon kara "sorrow;" Old High German chara "wail, lament;" Gothic kara "sorrow, trouble, care;" German Karfreitag "Good Friday;" see care (v.)). https://www.etymonline.com/word/care "Do you care?" That's what I asked him. That was the big moment. Why those words? FUCK ME ETYMOLOGY. Why do you demand after you get your wish? Because I am Demanda. Worthy of love. Not needing to demand it.

If it is bad enough you KNOW, you know, you know, you know, you know. If you're wondering about it, then no. In my experience with the times that contact had been cut, it did not seem a choice at all to me. In both cases those relationships were healed to something much better than they ever were before, over the course of about a year or two.

@Loba? Who knew the solution to being too dramatic is to get even MORE dramatic? Conscious of your own drama = author of it.

author (n.) mid-14c., auctor, autour, autor "father, creator, one who brings about, one who makes or creates" someone or something, from Old French auctor, acteor "author, originator, creator, instigator" (12c., Modern French auteur) and directly from Latin auctor "promoter, producer, father, progenitor; builder, founder; trustworthy writer, authority; historian; performer, doer; responsible person, teacher," literally "one who causes to grow," agent noun from auctus, past participle of augere "to increase," from PIE root *aug- (1) "to increase." From late 14c. as "a writer, one who sets forth written statements, original composer of a writing" (as distinguished from a compiler, translator, copyist, etc.). Also from late 14c. as "source of authoritative information or opinion," now archaic but the sense behind authority, etc. In Middle English the word was sometimes confused with actor. The -t- changed to -th- 16c., on model of change in Medieval Latin, on mistaken assumption of Greek origin and confusion with authentic. https://www.etymonline.com/search?q=author Hoooo! That did not disappoint.

God is less all the bullshit that appears to happen but the Author of it. So while you're thinkin you're gonna experience all this horrific bullshit, and Voldemort and horcruxes, you're really just JK Rowling. So while it's not entirely untrue that she didn't experience Dumbledore's death, as creator you're always safe and sound.

Alright, now I feel like creating something. Live looked in the mirror. At first she liked what she saw, four letters together, all of them interesting well formed characters. She loved the soft curves of the e, the shape of the v and the i and the strong angle of the L. Then she noticed something that turned her stomach, "Oh no, I'm evil!" She said. Don't read into things so much. The though I, is the bending of the light, it is itself looking back at itself. It knows something is off, but it doesn't know that the illusion, is what's off. It feels that it IS evil, it is bad, wrong, ugly, afraid. Live's stomach turns because she is reading something untrue, her guidance is working, but she believes her stomach turns because she IS evil and evil is bad and wrong, and it is her. Misunderstanding after misunderstanding finally sends her to a word smith. "Rearrange my letters!" They are backwards. He doesn't care. Maybe she's a goth and wants to look evil? He doesn't ask enough questions to understand her great misunderstanding. He doesn't say, "Honey, you don't really see yourself in the mirror." No, he takes her money and rearranges her. And she became eviL. It sounds like one of those children's parables that end really nasty. No one wants to be... awkward (adv., adj.) mid-14c. (adv.), "in the wrong direction," from awk "back-handed" + adverbial suffix -weard (see -ward). The original sense is obsolete. As an adjective, "turned the wrong way," 1510s. Mirrors are awkward, they turn us round in the wrong direction, just like the light has to bend to see itself. We should change the word to drawkwa. That would be truly awkward. Even the word awkward is awkward, talk about the pot calling the kettle black. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Just kidding, sticks and stones are words too, see? I love our crazy exchanges. Even if I told you to fuck off. Have you ever noticed how "fuck off", is totally an oxymoron?

I'll just pretend to like things I don't like. For you. For you. For you. I'll just pretend to like things I don't like. For you. For you. For you. Why did you let this happen? Why did you let this happen? Is this some kind of merging? Not two. What did you expect from the roast beef? He should have pretended! Is that what you really wanted? No. Why do I always lose. It's always some kind of submission. "I can't fucking win, but I CANNOT fucking lose." You're not playing against yourself are you? YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! AGAIN! Oh shit. The posture! You got me. You totally got me. I got you. Why am I so convinced I'm ugly? ugly (adj.) mid-13c., uglike "frightful or horrible in appearance," from a Scandinavian source, such as Old Norse uggligr "dreadful, fearful," from uggr "fear, apprehension, dread" (perhaps related to agg "strife, hate") + -ligr "-like" (see -ly (1)). Meaning softened to "very unpleasant to look at" late 14c. Extended sense of "morally offensive" is attested from c. 1300; that of "ill-tempered" is from 1680s. Among words for this concept, ugly is unusual in being formed from a root for "fear, dread." I'm afraid of myself. "I am creepy. I am creepier and more nonsensical than Salad Fingers, creepier than anything. I am the author of creepy. Creep From c. 1300 as "move secretly or to evade detection,"" I don't know what you're talking about. I'm aware of everything. HA! You can't be both at once! I can. For you.

??? Been fighting a low vibrational state all day. Holding it in place, nice work. Fuck off. You mother fucker, non physically focused voice of wisdom. To be a voice, one must be physically focused. Yeah, fuck off, I'm not in the mood. Mood is doom spelled backwards. I said FUCK OFF! I'm done with this shit. (Laughing at myself.) Done with spirituality. Done with trying to understand. Still laughing at myself. I think that's crying. HE DOESN'T LIKE ROAST BEEF. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST MAKE YOUR OWN GODAMN SANDWICHES. LESBIAN, I'm going lesbian. I tell you. I'm not sure what to do with the fact that I'm not sexually attracted to women, but it does seem smart. Uh, Nothing is helping. The fact that I know that I'm creating it only makes it worse. Keep the shakeweight away from your face. I'm either just invisible, not good enough or someone's fucking fantasy. Nissargadatta says get rid of the body idea. But right now the only way to do that that seems accessible is a destructive one. I'm either just invisible, not good enough or someone's fucking fantasy. "Done with spirituality. Done with trying to understand." You are one brutal mother fucker. Slice. Whew! Straight to the point. I cannot objectify myself without also objectifying Source. DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! That's some kind of brilliance. I can't fucking win, but I CANNOT fucking lose. Really, source, really, this? And this? Fuck.

@somegirl Oh, no, sorry, it wasn't your comments at all.

@somegirl The thread just really went downhill fast there.

???

No, menstrual pain is the canary in the coal mine if there's any inflammation in the body. If you were stressed and already had inflammation the inflammatory response to the vaccine would likely start to make other issues more noticeable. It's the straw that broke the camels back. That's my theory anyway. No one actually knows what causes menstrual pain to begin with, but it is obviously very related to stress, diet and exercise.

@EmptyVase Angles of a pyramid, angels peer amid.