mandyjw

@7thLetter I know from experience that imagery and symbolism is very key to understanding your psyche. I was hoping I might have an insight for you. Judgement and regret will block that kind of understanding. Look at it without judgement, what is it communicating?

@7thLetter What is the tattoo of?

Don't tell me you're too blind to see

If I was a female and I wanted people to listen to what I had to say, wisdom beyond me, I'd pretend to channel a man or some non-gendered entity. Seth, Abraham, A Course in Miracles "She" just gave birth to it, you see. Mary, Mother of Jesus. It's hard to get your point a cross. But I nailed it, even if you missed the inherent joke. I'm already onto the next. Birth and death and inherent in the other, there's really no time in between. There was no time for you to have been male, and even if you think you were at some point, you only developed into a male inside of a female. You just couldn't have one without the other. You're just borrowed. To be the greatest you'd have to settle to be lesser than the whole. What a sacrifice! What a joke.

If you provide affordable, reliable, accessible, local, high quality childcare, that's going to pay off enormously in tax revenue and in saving costs later because kids are getting good care early on and are being raised in much less stressed homes. There's a huge part of the most able bodied work force that simply cannot work right now due to the lack of childcare, mostly women. COVID has made this much worse.

I will resent you for making this comment forever.

Ok, then what was? What exactly did you seek to gain by asking this question? I mean, you're male. Why ask?

EMILY DICKINSON Wild nights - Wild nights! Were I with thee Wild nights should be Our luxury! Futile - the winds - To a Heart in port - Done with the Compass - Done with the Chart! Rowing in Eden - Ah - the Sea! Might I but moor - tonight - In thee! Eh. I'm afraid people will fall in love with me. Don't do it. Don't love me. Don't be attracted to me. Seriously, I'm a disappointment. I... that's why I never danced with Michael. Had to be a bitch to him, or I might break his heart. Lead him on. Deceive him. 8 years of childhood with someone liking you when you never liked them back. My sister broke men's hearts ruthlessly, time and time again. Me, couldn't live with myself if a broke a heart, so I never loved. I wasn't protecting anyone's heart. I was protecting myself. I was the grand royal bitch the entire time. At least she loved em and left em. Till she got left, with a baby, and man kind enough to forgive it and raise it anyway from the day it was born. Haha, so sometimes it pops up and fucks me over in the form of obsession. Then I'm Michael. There was nothing wrong with Michael. He just wasn't very bright. So I chose and married someone who was really very smart. Spiritual. Rich even. And I freed him from his chains, and we threw away all that money. But it didn't go anywhere. It just kept coming in from elsewhere. And then I made him into Michael again. Oh Michael. There's nothing worse than realizing you attracted someone and then you have to let them down. My heart leaps out of my chest. I stopped making eye contact. Stopped even looking at men. Afraid of hurting someone, covered over my own vulnerability. Afraid of hurting myself. Painfully shy. I'm not what I seem. Why do I attract exceptionally good, kind men? What is WRONG with me? My sister is law *in-law mentioned she was terrified when she picked up blueberries at a farm. She didn't know if she was in the right place. A woman a love with men she didn't know. *Alone* misspelled alove. We were taught this as Christians, always be ware. I hated this repression. I hated the people who enforced it and who complied. Yet I bought it, hook line and sinker. I didn't realize it was me, I was making the rules. I've given this subject a lot of thought. Not the outright kind of thought, the lazy, split energy kind. Sometimes I wish I could start a youtube channel about art. I could crush it. I wouldn't have to worry about doing anything wrong. But this THIS is what I want to talk about and share. Worry about doing anything wrong. There's a way to be outrageous, isn't there? And yet be exactly what's called for. What's asked for. outrageous (adj.) c. 1300, "excessive, extravagant, exorbitant, immoderate," from Old French outrageus, outrajos "immoderate, excessive, violent, lawless" (Modern French outrageux), from outrage, oltrage, from Vulgar Latin *ultraticum "excess," from Latin ultra "beyond" (from suffixed form of PIE root *al- "beyond"). Meaning "flagrantly evil, atrocious" is late 14c.; modern teen slang usages of it unwittingly approach the original and etymological sense of outrage. Related: Outrageously; outrageousness. I am for ever and always, too much. That's ironic, because my biggest insecurity is being too small. Your biggest insecurity is being too small. You made it into a real big deal. ?‍♀️

*Napoleon Dynamite sigh....* I'm not sure this was a good idea. I think we've talked about this before. Good is an idea itself. What is really good comes before ideas. You think you know me, we've talked... before? No one else would put up with your bullshit you know. And who puts up with yours'? Touché. You know, I'm not supposed to be entertaining the idea of separate selves, and yet here I am publicly talking to one. Complete devilry. suppose (v.) early 14c., "to assume as the basis of argument," from Old French suposer "to assume" (13c.), probably a replacement (influenced by Old French poser "put, place") of *suppondre, from Latin supponere "put or place under; to subordinate, make subject," from assimilated form of sub "under" (see sub-) + ponere "put, place" (past participle positus; see position (n.)). Meaning "to admit as possible, to believe to be true" is from 1520s. Suppose means think. "I'm supposed." Damn. Who would have thought? Who would have supposed? I'm not feeling how I'd like to be feeling. Everything you want I instantly give you. I mean... it's yours. But you don't want it instantly, and so instantly, you've got it. The best of both worlds. So I ask, what do you want? Nearly everything I read is shit. I bought a few books and I get them and I'm like yeeeeah, fuck that. Many conversations are similarly disappointing. Is this like that time you thought you'd discovered all the good music there was and would ever be when you were like 13? Adorable. Imagine if you listened to the same old music all the time. Eating, sleeping, 24/7. Now imagine how great yet maybe at first, unsettling, silence would seem. That's how thoughts seem. Reading, talking, writing, the thoughts seem heavy, disappointing, unsatisfactory, like drudgery. What effort? Effort to run away from something unwanted? Are you aware of how you feel or beware of how you feel. Beware. I'm afraid of feeling crappy. So I thought that the company of people I love and people are are unique made me happy. What was really going on there? They are so interesting and compelling to you, that you use them as an excuse to become aware. You aren't thinking your circularly swirling plugged toilet water thoughts then. There's power behind it. It's the VORTEX, not a plugged toilet. Ok, so why do people I really want to spend time with and have a great time with seem to make me anxious? Because then you starting thinking you're a ware. You aren't a ware. You don't need to care so much about how they value your wares. You're aware. Ware rhymes with care! ware (n.) "manufactured goods, goods for sale," Old English waru "article of merchandise," also "protection, guard," hence probably originally "object of care, that which is kept in custody," from Proto-Germanic *waro (source also of Swedish vara, Danish vare, Old Frisian were, Middle Dutch were, Dutch waar, Middle High German, German ware "goods"), from PIE root *wer- (3) "perceive, watch out for." Usually wares, except in compounds such as hardware, earthenware, etc. Lady ware was a jocular 17c. euphemism for "a woman's private parts" (but sometimes also "male sex organs"), and Middle English had ape-ware "deceptive or false ware; tricks" (mid-13c.). ware (v.) "to take heed of, beware," Old English warian "to guard against, beware; protect, defend," from Proto-Germanic *warō (source also of Old Frisian waria, Old Norse vara), from PIE *waro- "to guard, watch," suffixed form of root *wer- (3) "perceive, watch out for." BEWARE EVERYBODY, I'M A WARE. But no one ware it like me. This is really starting to ware on me. Just drop the e and what do you have? I thought I was cheap wares. Huh. There's no such thing as cheap wars. Always expensive. And no one ever wins. You're very high maintenance when you're a ware. Especially if you think you're worthless. I like to own source, I want to be responsible for other's connection to source. How is "responsible" working out for you! It's not. It's the same thing, the beware, a ware, thing. You cannot be aware, if you're afraid and when you get afraid and have to deliver, you're a ware. You know, you should start a blog. I couldn't do it without you. I feel like that's supposed to be bad or wrong, did I write that or did you write that? Oh wait. I think I really wanted to be told that, I couldn't do it without you. Like there was some sort of ghost waiting to be told that before she would leave and stop haunting the damn place. Like I wanted to believe I was bad for having manifest, having stepped into... it. Are you a ghost or are you manifest? Neither. You keep trying to make have your cake and eat it too into a problem. Why does attention feel good? Because it borrows awareness from Awareness, someone is aware of you and they... "Like what they see." Awareness is aligned. Then you go and think it's because you are a ware. And you objectify yourself again. "At least I got a candy bar out of the deal." You use them as an excuse to feel how you really feel about yourself. That's a lot of effort, and mental gymnastics to end up where you never left. I'm doing it write now. I mean right now. I'm thinking about how I need other people's attention. But also I don't want it, because, well, that email someone sent me yesterday. He definitely thought I was a ware. I lie to myself. I realized the extend of this recently, eh I'm lying again. I lie, I keep my own perception of myself clean, hidden. I like to entertain. I say I'm doing it for others, but I do it for me. I can't see me. I try to see me how I'd like, so I have to cover over the rest. What would happen if I wrote everything I thought? You couldn't do it fast enough. Really, I couldn't do it fast enough? You have to slow thought to write. Oh. Damn. Don't think about that. Don't think about that, I can't think about that because I have to think slow to type. Oh. Damn. That's how this works. Ok, so when I write, it's chosen potential. It's like, done. But when I think especially without a clearly formed thought that has formed into the English language, it's still potential. Not free potential but more potential than a singularity. Then no thought would be pure potential. Aligned thought is (not two), and no thought is a (not two), but vague or unexpressed thought seems to be split. Is it ever though? No. So I feel better by meditating, as long as I can, or by journaling and sloooowing thought out and making it manifest. Ok, so feeling guilty for being a body (I AM NOT THAT, sorry Nissargadatta, God, that's fuckin ironic), but I'm neither formless nor form so I seem split but I'm not. Just like Dr.P's tree. Singularity does not mean what I thought it meant. Every moment is a singularity. God I'm dumb. Proclaiming that you're dumb, is dumb, because it means mute or silent. You sort of learned this in grade school, dummy. However, dumb and not expressing or aligning thought might be related. You get what you refuse to accept. Sort of like the time I was too scared to ask about electron configuration in class because I should have known it so I waited days until after I failed the quiz to ask to get taught the basics again. I was embarrassed to ask for help. Damn, that lead me right back to this. It feels like I'm finally receiving the gift I've been given receiving the teachings but then I think I've fallen into need, and so I pale in comparison to teacher. "I pale in comparison to teacher?" You love your ghosts. I mean it though... you love your ghosts. Fallen into need. You're desperately trying to shake need so much that you need. Don't beware, Aware. You're Aware. comparison (n.) mid-14c., "equal, match, resemblance, similarity," from Old French comparaison "comparison" (12c.), from Latin comparationem (nominative comparatio), noun of action from past participle stem of comparare "make equal with, liken, bring together for a contest," from com "with, together" (see com-) + par "equal" (see par (n.)). From late 14c. as "act of putting two things together and regarding them as equal," also "act of comparing." This is adorable. People are key to your expansion. They bring lots of contrast to your awareness, they bring lots of things you want but were ignoring before. Jealousy and deciding you're unworthy totally refuses the gift in this. You refuse the gift and then wonder why you're needy, and then you refuse that too. I don't know if I should continue to journal publicly, people assume things about me. Why do you have a problem with people becoming obsessed with you, wanting something from you, assuming you are a certain way, yet never really seeing you in the light with which you know they want to see you? Because I do exactly that? How do I get out of this plugged toilet spinning? Unplug the toilet? Do you have a plunger? I AM A GODAMN PLUNGER. Oh right, sorry, not recognizing the gift again.

Ok, actual answer. Nondual means not two, not separate. So you can see the impossibility of reaching a nondual state as a male, or as a female. The pride/ insecurity identity of gender must be dropped. It can look like there are more people of a certain gender interested in some teaching, or outwardly displaying their knowledge, but that teaching is dualistic and how they appear to you is based on your own identifications and projections. So rather than asking what females are missing, look for what you're missing. Also if what you believe is what is reflected to you, then women and minorities would be more likely to buy into the belief that they are inferior. That's kind of sad. But also holy fuck, empowering and funny once you realize what you did.

It must be because since they don't have xy chromosomes, they just don't have axis.

They aren't allowed to fear death on the other end. If they are saved and know they go to heaven then there is no fear of death, or it must be covered over and repressed. So, like all things, all that tension comes out the other end and the idea of death of the unborn becomes the horror they cannot psychologically accept.

https://youtu.be/015D4QMpHX8 Giving In To The Love -Aurora I’m losing my connection I’m tired of the rules and your corrections I want to live my life, be all of it’s pages And underline that I am not an angel ‘Cause if I’m not pure, I guess that I’m too much I’ll never know how to keep in, keep in touch If I’ll be somebody, I’ll never let my skin be decided for me I’ll never have the world, so why change for it? I’ll never have the world, so why change for it? Giving in to the love Giving in to the love Giving in to the love, the love, the love, the love Someone out there is trying to find somebody whole who is not dying But everybody cries and nobody comforts The television lies and now my mind hurts And if I’m not loved, I guess that I am cursed I gotta know how to beat it, beat it first If I’ll be somebody, I’ll never let my skin be decided for me I’ll never have the world, so why change for it? I’ll never have the world, so why change for it? Giving in to the love Giving in to the love Giving in to the love, the love, the love, the love, the love

Good. I didn't fully appreciate her until I got older, in my 20's at some point. Becoming a mom especially changed that. I would have said there was a lot wrong before. Probably it's still dawning on me how much I appreciate her.

Meditation cushions aren't just for meditating. You can buy plain buckwheat pillows, the same stuff a lot of meditation cushions are made from a prop to change the angle. Also appreciate that the positioning of the cervix changes quite a bit depending on where a woman is in her cycle, and that's not all that changes with hormones either, so what feels amazing at one point might actually painful in two weeks. They say "no man steps into the same river twice", well...

I feel really bad. Feels like walls are closing in. Like I'm demonizing or too good for or deeming myself obsessive by doing anything I think is a solution. Because there is no solution. I'm feeling. No one feels bad. When they feel bad, they're really feeling. Whatever. Do I think if I can feel bad enough I can release this stuff? Feel bad. Woah, I just noticed something I wanted. The dream board is working. courage (n.) c. 1300, corage, "heart (as the seat of emotions)," hence "spirit, temperament, state or frame of mind,"from Old French corage "heart, innermost feelings; temper" (12c., Modern French courage), from Vulgar Latin *coraticum (source of Italian coraggio, Spanish coraje), from Latin cor "heart" (from PIE root *kerd- "heart"). ??? Is this the end of going to anyone for emotional support? What thoughts didn't resonate in that conversation? Greg. I hate that fucking asshole. And I'm jealous that she loves him. I'd like to love someone like that. I feel disliked. Insignificant. You don't hate him. You love him. You're afraid of him. You hate that you believe that hates you. So you called for support and you got more evidence of why you need it but no support? Yup. I don't know what to do. I can't make myself love someone. I already love him. I am unpleasable. What do you want? I want to teach. Damn. I had a dream about that. I was really fucking brilliant, and I didn't realize that. Woah. Woah. I've done this before, tried to feel better by teaching. I have to stay here spinning my wheels. Wallowing in my own shit. No, you didn't try to feel better through teaching, you actually were focusing on other people's pain to veil you're own. And it didn't go so well. Why do you think this is coming up right now? As you know, you aren't feeling bad, and this isn't gaslighting. Here you are, your friend couldn't help you. You are unhelpable. Congratulations, you are unhelpable! I'm a lost cause? You were never caused. How then, could you be lost? cause (v.) late 14c., "produce an effect," also "impel, compel," from Old French causer "to cause" (13c.) and directly from Medieval Latin causare, from Latin causa "a cause; a reason; interest; judicial process, lawsuit," which is of unknown origin. Related: Caused; causing. Classical Latin causari meant "to plead, to debate a question." Oh! Oh! "My happiness is not caused by... circumstances, people, conditions, situations, etc." Happiness is not caused. That's so much simpler to say. This isn't working anymore. It never did.

"Etymology's joke on us is that our very words that mean "grasp an idea of, mentally fit together parts of reality" — are themselves obscure or incomprehensible to us. Understand is so plainly odd that even people who don't think about word histories notice it. In form it is a compound of under + stand (v.), and it has been so since Old English. Likewise the sense has not shifted since King Alfred's day: "to comprehend, grasp the idea of, receive from a word or words or from a sign the idea it is intended to convey; to view in a certain way." https://www.etymonline.com/columns/post/superstitious-understanding

Ok, so everything is permissible, this is really the beauty of it... You can think any fuckin shit you want. Think the worst thoughts ever. And you don't need to believe it. It's the "I cannot go there" "I cannot think that" that latches onto it, trying to resolve it, perpetuating it. I love you! I hate you. I am inappropriate. So when looking up etymology, just like with life, you can't look up an "in" word. You have to look up the positive form of it. appropriate (v.) early 15c., "take possession of, take exclusively," from Late Latin appropriatus, past participle of appropriare, adpropriare "to make one's own," from Latin ad "to" (see ad-) + propriare "take as one's own," from proprius "one's own" (see proper). Related: Appropriated; appropriating. appropriate (adj.) "specially suitable, proper," early 15c., from Latin appropriatus, past participle of appropriare "make one's own" (see appropriate (v.)). Related: Appropriately; appropriateness. Never fails to not disappoint.

Mom posted a picture of me, my dad and my sister on a mountain when I was about that age. The weird thing is, our feet are enormous in the photo. I fell in love with this song as a kid. It's kinda dumb, but something about it, man, that just got me. https://youtu.be/4SfqvgiwMtw Obviously it's about pioneering. pioneer (n.) 1520s, "one of a party or company of foot soldiers furnished with digging and cutting equipment who prepare the way for the army," from French pionnier "foot-soldier, military pioneer," from Old French paonier "foot-soldier" (11c.), extended form of peon (see pawn (n.2)). Figurative sense of "a first or early explorer, person who goes first or does something first" is from c. 1600. Related: Pioneers. What is it with feet? sabotage (n.) 1907 (from 1903 as a French word in English), from French sabotage, from saboter "to sabotage, bungle," literally "walk noisily," from sabot "wooden shoe" (13c.), altered (by association with Old French bot "boot") from earlier savate "old shoe," from the same source (perhaps Persian ciabat) that also produced similar words in Old Provençal, Portuguese, Spanish (zapata), Italian (ciabatta), Arabic (sabbat), and Basque (zapata). I seem to be caught somewhere in between not being willing to pioneer for others and wanting permission to do anything. permission (n.) "leave, sanction; the act of allowing," early 15c., permissioun, from Old French permission and directly from Latin permissionem (nominative permissio) "a giving up, a yielding; permission," noun of action from past-participle stem of permittere (see permit (v.)). I seem to be caught between others and wanting. I was SO mad. So jealous. We were good friends, and she went to a different highschool. I went to the one I chose knowing no one. I pioneered my way through, made a group of friends. She showed up one day after freshman year, having made the wrong choice of schools. And all the people whose attention I wanted fell in love with her instantly. It made it easy to pioneer a new lunch table, plopping myself right in the middle of Christ and his friends. I just wrote Christ instead of Chris. I didn't though. I creeped over there. I was shy. Are you a foot soldier? Are you on orders from another? I ask myself permission for everything. I use my intuition as some sort of greater inspiration. What? Ok, I'm tired up in the middle of the night. I meant to write that I use it as some sort of greater guidance. Authority. I look to others to feel ok. Are you ever first? I wrote a bunch of stuff on my dream board. When I came down my eyes were drawn to one thing. Take the kids to NYC. This scares me. My parents never took me places, I went there scared shitless as a young 20 something. I feel like I need to protect them. I feel like I need to protect myself. When do we wait to do what we really want? When we feel so bad, there's no other option? When someone gives us permission and tells us it's a good idea? When someone goes first? You cannot be first. Or you are always, always first. Take it. PAPER PLANES. IMMIGRANTS! I'm I Grant I adore The Weeknd, a lot of his songs have been synchronistic for me. This, his newest song is playing on the radio. Publicly. Everywhere And it's about... How is that even allowed? Everything is permissible. I guess it always has been. How ironic. PAUL said that. PAUL. http://web.mit.edu/jywang/www/cef/Bible/NIV/NIV_Bible/1COR+6.html

You can only express and focus on and think about what you want, not what you don't want. If you order a meal at a restaurant and say I do NOT WANT the chicken alfredo, they will not be bringing you a meal at all, or very likely they will just simply not hear you say say "do not" and will bring you the chicken alfredo. You have to first select what you DO want in order to get it and in order to do that you have to take your focus off what you don't want. You've got yourself stuck in ironic lose, lose situation here. You consider.... (by that you mean judge or think), yourself nonjudgmental. So of course you get mad when someone doesn't agree. If you value non judgement don't judge yourself as nonjudgmental, don't identify with that, and then you won't judge people for being NOT nonjudgmental.

Taken from something I wrote in another thread, What we don't like shows us what we do like. So if we're stuck in a reaction of dislike we won't identify what's there that we do like. Pride and shame are the same. So you think you're pretty great. Then you look up at the stars on a clear night and your mouth falls open. There's no fucking way you'd top that or even want to. But think about it again, you are the seer of the stars. The light of consciousness trumps the wonder of the light that traveled millions of miles from those stars to earth. That's how fucking awesome you are. Your pride is your shame. Your shame is your pride. Who sits around judging which stars are bigger than others? He don't know. He might just be close to some and far from others. The winner doesn't select. The winner takes it all. Is taking stealing, being entitled to? Or is taking acceptance? I was listening to music I listened to when I was 11 or 12. A certain song came to mind by Abba that I liked inexplicably. Then they played on of thier greatest hits. This website. https://www.etymonline.com/ I'm in love. Completely, totally smitten. Take me, take me now! take- OED calls take "one of the elemental words of the language;" take up alone has 55 varieties of meaning in that dictionary's 2nd print edition. Basic sense is "to lay hold of," which evolved to "accept, receive" (as in take my advice) c. 1200; "absorb" (take a punch) c. 1200; "choose, select" (take the high road) late 13c.; "to make, obtain" (take a shower) late 14c.; "to become affected by" (take sick) c. 1300. https://www.etymonline.com/columns/post/superstitious-understanding If I was God would I stand under the stars or in the midst of them? Well, I wouldn't hafta choose. Likewise take means both to accept, receive and to take. Take it! Take it! The winner takes it all.

Still don't feel like eating much at all. I keep feeling disgusting in my stomach and then cried a couple times and felt better. But it comes back so quickly. What did we learn about disgusting? It's love. No, and... yes. I feel like I've gone back to the time period I was in 6th- 8th grade. I remember deciding that I needed to confess to my mother, basically that when I was kid I did the "I show you mine if you show my yours thing." I was sooo fucking ashamed. I felt I couldn't feel better until I confessed. I made myself so horribly miserable I got ill. I was sick for about a week, and I ended up sleeping most of the day, except for school. I lost a ton of hair after. I confessed to her, and she was like "ok." I thought that I'd feel good and pure and if I could remain good and pure. This took a lot of work. I'd do anything to destroy it. To burn the whole facade down. Fuck the priest I'm supposed to confess to. Bare myself for the shame of baring myself. bare (adj.) Old English bær "naked, uncovered, unclothed," from Proto-Germanic *bazaz (source also of German bar, Old Norse berr, Dutch baar), from PIE *bhoso- "naked" (source also of Armenian bok "naked;" Old Church Slavonic bosu, Lithuanian basas "barefoot"). Meaning "sheer, absolute" (c. 1200) is from the notion of "complete in itself." bare (v.) "make bare, uncover," Old English barian, from bare (adj.). Related: Bared; baring. The very first time I saw through my shitty thoughts and cried was in Baring. But the façade is my face. It's me. I cannot destroy myself. "You cannot see my face and live." God made the first "your face" joke. And I thought it was terrifying. I keep thinking about my chair. It came from the house next door, my mom bought it at a yard sale back when they came back sometimes in the summers. It's a Windsor chair, and the original tag is still on the bottom of the seat, I decided to stain it and where the boards are split in the chair, paint flowers growing out of the crack over the stain, and maybe some light rays so someone could remove it if they want. shame (n.) Old English scamu, sceomu "feeling of guilt or disgrace; confusion caused by shame; disgrace, dishonor, insult, loss of esteem or reputation; shameful circumstance, what brings disgrace; modesty; private parts," from Proto-Germanic *skamo (source also of Old Saxon skama, Old Norse skömm, Swedish skam, Old Frisian scome, Dutch schaamte, Old High German scama, German Scham). The best guess is that this is from PIE *skem-, from *kem- "to cover" (covering oneself being a common expression of shame). It's a fucking SCAM!

I want to release fear. My mind keeps spinning that it is more special than others. Or less special than others. I'm afraid of myself, afraid of my own thoughts. I'm not. I thought that pain and discomfort was something outside me, something I had to avoid, but it's already inside me, there is no outside. I thought that I needed others to make me happy, but again, happiness in no other is already inside me. I've been so fake in relating to people, scared I could hurt them, not realizing I was protecting myself covering up my own hurt, and thiers too. I am guilty and I am innocent. I am neither. I Am in no sense.

@somegirl Whatever you resist persists. I'm not suggesting you change a single thing via action, just examine your thoughts and reactions.

It's never this stuff. It might be your focus on it though. There aren't any weirdos either. Seriously. The real weirdos are really the very best kind. You're too smart for some guy you deem "safe" and "attractive." That's never gonna do it for you. Why do women like vampire fantasies? (Don't judge it, I know.) But why? Repulsion, fear and attraction are all related. I'm not saying to put yourself in danger, just question yourself, why don't I feel safe? Is it really the person exuding it, or my judgement of them that I don't like?