mandyjw

Aww, they cut out the last part with the car. Here it is.

Jack from Titanic. Sigh. I adored him in What's Eating Gilbert Grape too. I just love him the most when he's at his worst.

I always told my husband i though McDonald's was romantic. I love McDonald's. They are Voldemort. So I thought of the mirror story to the birthday cake story. My sister was an obnoxious teenager. She covered all the walls in her room with posters of boys out of teenie bop magazines. Backstreet Boys, N'Sync. I hated them. She loved Leonardo DiCaprio which I fully resonated with. He was the first man I ever thought dirty thoughts about. I love "The Wolf on Wallstreet". The scene where he gets high and crashes the car but you get how he's experiencing it, GOD I LOVED that scene. Never laughed harder. Anyway, the story. So we were in the car waiting for our Mom to drive us to school. Backstreet boys came on the radio and she was singing it and I was in such a bad mood. I told her to stop. She kept doing it to annoy me. I punched her in the face. I wasn't a kid who hit people. It left a red mark but she just laughed about it. That made me cray. She was so loving and forgiving. I had to hit her to get that resolution. But I felt guilty and small.

Honey, you don't know how beautiful you are. Go look at something you find really beautiful or inspiring. A car, a scene, some art, a woman, whatever. feel that feeling. You ARE that. That's it. That's all there is to it. Stop believing you are the conflict and the pain, and you just simply become... that. It's not your body because it's here to fulfill a great purpose, it's here as a vehicle to do good and love others. The false you is the you who wishes to harm it.

Oh like when you're using a fork to hold a piece of steak to cut with a knife? Yeah, that skill eluded me for a long time. Here's a recent memory I thought of in the past week or two before this all happened. My sister had her last piece of birthday cake, she got it out and got ready to eat it and it fell on the floor. She cried, like literally cried. She was always the sentimental one and I was the "I don't give a fuck" one. I laughed. I still laugh when I think about it. It's hilarious. I'm Voldemort.

@tsuki That movie is a gold mine. Into the Wild. True story. "Wrong" hands what does that even mean? I guess you know how to eat at fancy restaurants? My sewing teacher, I used to tell her that my mom was constantly telling me not to eat with my hands. She said I needed to learn but that when I was an adult, I could choose to not have silverwear if I wanted. I was like, what? Aren't adults practical and mature? I finally understand what she meant now. She used to keep all her cat's whiskers in a jar. Black ones, white ones. I thought that she was a witch. One time I took care of her cats for her. The power went out and I was worried the cat would get cold so i took him home with me. He slept on my head all night. He was the sweetest cat, his name was Brain and he was pure black. Black male cats almost always seem to have the sweetest temperaments. Or Black and white. My friend taught me that.

It is here too! Nature is calling. He should't have tried to go it on his own. We got it right this time.

You CAN, you really can. Put the knife through your heart, metaphorically and be one with us. We will see your colors and dance with you. In form, in person. Your beautiful personality will only strengthen. You were born onto this planet to be a part of the whole. You are who you are. become yourself fully. Your body is your temple. Do not destroy it, love it. I love you. You got this. I'm here for you. What is your favorite color?

There are no unspirals. This is why your toilet flushed the opposite direction in the southern hemisphere. Still a whirlpool. Still a vortex. No matter which direction it goes. I had a hard time grasping right and left. I swear to God. I used to suck my finger when I was a kid, until I was 9. The only way I could learn was going into my body and feeling which fingers those were. Even as an adult those two fingers feel different. My Dad helped me do this he said just think of which hand you eat with. When I took drivers ed, I made a right when the instructor said left. He was avretired cop but he was anxious all the time. he freaked out, "LEFT, I said LEFT. DO YOU NOT KNOW YOUR RIGHT FROM YOUR LEFT." "No." I said. Not even trying to be smart with him. He didn't know what to do with that.

WHAT??? Pearls go with everything silly. YES! To the last thing. What is your art? Show me! That's so funny because I feel like I'm carrying the past of this place. I always wanted to "save" this area. Wanted to do it on my own. I went to the library and got a book the history of town. It was so disappointing. Nothing I didn't already know about the clairvoyant doctor. The only cool thing was a story about the author being scared of some lady's house because supposedly she was a witch.

@tsuki Beautiful. Whirlpools, two together, interconnected but separate. Like the ocean. Red and Green. Emerald and Ruby. Complementary colors. Opposites on the color wheel. They cause a special vibration when you see them which is what draws/attracts your eye to them. That's why advertisers use complimentary colors to make their products stand out. We were taught all this art class. Ms.Avery was my art teacher. She lived right here in town even though I went 40 minutes away to get to my high school. She lived somewhere off the grid, where the power lines don't reach. I never found out where. Of course. Wow art therapy is powerful stuff. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whirlpool

I'll send you my pearl earrings if you want. Or make you something else. What's your favorite color?

@now is forever The dreams are part of your reality. Accept them and enjoy them for the fleeting pleasures they are. Perfectly fine to flee into them, in fact that's really good. Sending you lots of love.

It might be a sign, is it leading you to explore something? What are the particular memories/events?

Here's what I would do. Meditate because you want to. Quit it until you want to do it again. Give yourself the freedom to only do what you want to do spontaneously when it comes to spirituality.

@now is forever Do you listen to Abraham Hicks? She really taught me that the magic is in just enjoying the feeling, enjoying the thing and then not having to take it as a yardstick to compare to how things "are". That's really just being in the present moment. The vortex is the feeling when you're watching the movie and you are the characters, you're lost in it. Just like the analogy I gave Tsuki at the start of this. Finish the movie and then keep that state of love and lightheartedness as you move back into your own. I'm realizing now that my creative flow state was the vortex. I just wasn't able to hold it or spend that much time there. So it's true, it's already you, you already have what you seek. I always used to try to make myself work all day, fill the kiln full of stuff. My mind would get so foggy and I'd feel tired and cranky. If I could go out for a run everything got set back and I'd be in the flow state much more often. I really believe that my running was key to my success in my work. Other workouts worked almost as well but they didn't clear my mind like running because I was still trying so hard to do the right things. I just recently was able to do yoga intuitively. Running replaced what yoga is for most people I guess. Find the things that put you in that state and capitalize on them. Ignore the things that are not wanted that come out of others states.

Running does double duty as a powerful meditative opportunity and communion with nature. Okay not double it's a trifecta. Don't make the mistake I did and neglect to stretch, it's best combined with a little yoga and core strengthening. I really need to start doing some strength training again. Kettlebell swings are an awesome high intensity training workout, just make sure you get your form right before you try. It's hard to find the right weight at first. I use 30 or 35 pounds and I'm really small. As for diet I always flip flopped between strict restrictive diets and just eating how I wanted. Hone your intuition and try to tune in to what your body craves. I'm still working on that too. All diet advice is all over the map, so with diet I believe "There's no good nor bad but thinking makes it so." I got so caught up in trying to find the perfect one. Even so, the basic guidelines, not too much sugar, salt or caffeine, processed foods are always good to remember. Drink a lot of water and add in more veggies. I still love grassfed butter on my veggies and so I eat a lot of them because I truly enjoy them. I don't eat wheat and dairy but I have stomach issues right now so that's not my choice.

It's beyond me, that's for sure.

@tsuki Children have been one of my biggest horcruxes. I admitted a month or two ago that I wished I hadn't had kids. It was a big fat regret. I knew I loved the little beings and that everything should be perfect because it already is but... How do you do that? How do you regret bringing people into the world when you did it purposefully and now don't want them? How do you possibly make peace with that? Then the empowered/surrendered wife book showed up. I started looking at art on the internet again. Started making time to do things I thought were fun even if I had judged them as low level pleasures and tried to go beyond needing them. It's different when you go back to them and choose them this time. I'm still learning to love my three year old and my video game addicted autistic 6 year old. When someone else shows unbounded love and trust towards us and we have spent out whole life limiting ourself, it scares us. This is a gift from my husband. He didn't want me to go down and share it. I do what he asks, but I can tell when it's not actually him who is asking and I need to serve a greater power.

@tsuki Hey Tsuki, I have some homework for you. Go find a piece of paper and some paints, crayons, colored pencils, whatever. Pretend you're three years old again and just let yourself go. Then show me what you got.

@Joseph Maynor @pluto

@Nahm I NEVER expected to try to film with her around. She just makes it all the better. Although I don't think there are too many more spiritual practices are as grueling as being her mother.

@Leo Gura @now is forever Lucid dreaming, I believe is the best description, maybe visions, waking up with intense energy and knowing things I didn't know. My sister said it may not continue every night. I think it may settle in. I'm doing better today, spent a lot of time in nature. My everyday life and self care is a mess.

I feel that this question is perfect as it is without answers. But a part of me still wants to know the answer.