mandyjw

Come play with me, play with me! The frustrating problem with this journal is it's just PARKED HERE. ROOTED here. Like a tree.

As I turned around at the little point that overlooks the island, I laughed inside as I saw across the road an old orchard with apple trees. I ran almost home and felt exhausted by the end of the road. I had a strong feeling to follow my desire to stop and walk. I picked a purple flower https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impatiens_glandulifera and immediately had this strong desire prophetic feeling toward this particular abandoned house. I thought about how the entire town is changing and becoming beautiful before my eyes and how it had been reviving slowly in the past ten years. Earlier I noticed an old home someone had fixed and put up for sale, no one ever flips homes here. A week ago, they finally knocked down an old building that was falling into the river with the famous fish on it, my first memory ever of coming through here as a kid was seeing that fish. At the historical society, a few weeks ago a lady joked about the famous "red" fish. "It's not red! It's faded to orange." My intuition high, I kept walking as saw a lottery ticket, but knew I shouldn't touch it. A few feet from it was this. Bizarelly enough, it's full, unopened, and is still cold. Why was it thrown out?

I went for a run, back where I had the exhilarating insight in late march about apples and goddesses of desire. I was thinking about the subject of power and running through my head was a pretend conversation "How does the Tao say that woman dominates the man?" I asked. A few steps later a snake appeared, it's head risen and toward the road. I jumped into the road as cars were coming. I was safe but it was embarrassing. Later I was torn, should I run to that beautiful point by the island or turn at the nice lady's house and save my energy? A truck was coming and I couldn't turn so I ran to the point. I was reminded of this story that was presented to me at the Doctor Pomroy night . I knew it was an Easter egg, and I had the red marble that I had found just a couple hours before in the river in my pocket. "The Legend of Red Island" This is the island I had an impulse to run to a month or two ago, when I cut across the rich people's field and across the mud flats to go there. This story was written by someone who lived right where I accidentally found the hiking trail when my daughter tore up the old family name list in my Grammie's Bible and I had the impulse to google it. The experience I had hiking that trail was almost psychedelic like. Fear overtook me and on impulse I stripped off and dove into the tidal river. It's about a maiden, whose head is cut off so her ghost will guard the pirate's treasure.

@Truth Addict I watched this movie over and OVER when I was a kid.

As @Matt8800 said there is a lot of truth to what you're saying. I was making the point that Jesus was a master and his miracles were unavoidably very public due to their scale, yet he also said things like, "your faith has healed you, go forth and tell no one." Because, sometimes telling other people things destroys our faith. Their lack of belief is contagious. Yet a healer needs to be able to hold his/her faith so strongly that he/she is able to transfer it to others. He essentially heals by holding the faith for other people, the other people duality is itself healed in the bodily healing.

@Inliytened1 Goddamn it, love has a way of getting around EVERYTHING doesn't it? @tsuki I love it when you write in all caps. Some enlightened masters don't have to eat, why can't a person eat when they fall in love? What's the connection? 25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.

Only for a few chosen ones. If you listen to Leo you sure as heck weren't one of them.

@Truth Addict Capability to cause suffering.

You asked for straight answers. I just LOVE questionnaires!!! Do you think ur a guru? yes, just not a very good one. Do you think your a level 10000 enlightened master? Mmm.. maybe level 940 or somewhere around there. Do you think ur Leo? Yes.

The most dangerous form of ignorance is the belief that it has been transcended it in one's self. Only a love and openness to learn creates the opening to the light that ignorance cannot abide in.

Unless you're Jesus. Telling others has a way of destroying our own faith and confidence, but that's only because we let it. Our faith in other gave them power over us because that power was ours all along. When experiences are shared out of love and oneness there is no loss of power. The intention and reason behind the sharing of it is important to carefully examine.

There's still this flipity flopidy of "squeeeeeeee!!! The world is fucking MAGIC!" and "Oh damn, I don't really exist and my entire life isn't what it seemed" kind of depression. The depression is easier to see through as cloudiness though. Clouds are beautiful too.

@possibilities I think you need to hang out with mother nature and get to know her better. She's both drop dead gorgeous and hideously ugly at the same time. Breathgiving. Breathtaking.

@tsuki It's kind of like Ramaji's LOC system, super helpful and true yet at the same time also total and utter bullshit.

It definitely needs to be reintegrated at some point, in order for one to fully realize nonduality itself. Then it likes to stick around and demand the credit for the great insight. Duality is the seductive one, you know what happens if you give a mouse a cookie...

Tap water needs to be tested for all metals and pathogens, then you put in the appropriate filter or system to make it safe. Occasionally, but very rarely well water is safe naturally. It usually has too much arsenic or fluoride or something else depending on where you live. If you have city water it depends on your city what they put in the water, but you can always order a water test just like you would if you had a private well to know for sure.

"Write-off" means you throw something out as unimportant or a waste of time and forget about it. A "write-off" on your taxes is when you report that made a bad investment and lost money on it, so you won't be paying taxes on it. I think Nahm is saying you are being lazy in focusing on the duality of levels rather than seeing the full depth of the truth of no levels, or choosing to live from that deeper perspective. Could be wrong though.

This morning it was misty and the sun was out so I skipped meditation and went for a walk. Everything looks like a different world. I ended up at Pomroy's. There was pure white fur and a rabbit foot where my fox buddy found a snack across from the platform steps. It's very strange that it would be pure white, don't all rabbits change to brown in summer? This sign could be interpreted so many ways, but I'm going with clinging to purity and innocence. I struggle with this, I know that I've lived a really pure life, and it's served me well but it's created one heck of a shadow and ego identification trap. The sun to the east was unspeakably beautiful shinning through the tree branches welcoming me up the steps. On the platform were a couple of chanterelle mushrooms growing. I asked for an insight and I went to the stones where I got my first one and put my hands on it. There's this particular one that's sort of cast side on the corner, it's pink granite. I closed my eyes and my vision field vibrated very fast up and down. I saw some things my ego is letting play on autopilot, but didn't have any really strong insights it was more of a working through. In fact I was trying to dedicate my service and I saw that that wasn't quite honest without seeing through some things first. There's very little traffic by this place especially so early, but just as I left I heard a loud truck coming and was annoyed. I told myself there was absolutely no reason for it to go past me and essentially circle back so if it did, it was a sign. It was a white truck, old, loud diesel engine, jacked up, beaten to death, sped by me and spun out to loop back the way it came. I'm still a snobbish goody goody church girl little bitch, aren't I?

@TrynaBeTurquoise If Christianity was a big part of your childhood, enlightenment will heal, redeem and reveal the truth in it to you. As Nahm said, you may need to deviate from Jesus's teachings and study others in order to come back to them with fresh eyes. It's a really beautiful phenomenon to have epiphanies about the deeper meaning of pointers you heard all your life taught to you by confused people. Part of your own gift of teaching is to make this shit so complicated. The logical mind wants to help understand truth on many levels, the trick is not allowing it to co-opt it and keep "truth" a secret from the heart. The depth and fullness of truth can only be understood by both the mind and heart in union, only then and there is it made direct and simple. If you grew up trying to love Jesus, and figuring out what accepting him in your heart really meant, it wouldn't seem like going off on a tangent to try to understand a verse like this.

How did he put humans above sparrows there? He just mentioned the fact that people treat them as if they are worthless, two are sold for a penny. The one who can destroy the soul and body in hell is the ego or separate self, it's you.

I've been researching witchcraft a lot more. I read a site that said that you should know your moon sign when you were born. Like most I know my sun sign Libra, and never paid much attention to astrology. So I found out the moon phase I was born under. I was born on the full moon. https://www.gothichorrorstories.com/witchs-garden/ My very old shade garden is full of a lot of plants mentioned as being magical, Solomon's seal, lady’s mantle, cowslip, I didn't plant them, they have probably been there over 100 years.

What is greed, an aggressive desire coming from a misunderstood place of lack? We tend to blame the desire or greed itself, and not the perceived lack, or not being aligned. Lately I've been putting a lot more focus into my business, and it's a great illustration of how the law of attraction works. So knowing what I do now, I'm trying to remove a lot of ingrained pathologies about how I manage my time and think about sales from a place of limitation. If I start to see the world as nothing but giving and receiving of love, it's easy to see how one would get wrapped up in making money because money is a very honest sign of value or worth. And really I think it's the easiest one to get. I had a lot of turmoil balancing my home, my family and my kids with my business because making money seemed like the easiest and most fulfilling route to my feeling worthy.

It's so easy in this world to manifest a life of beauty and abundance in the material world. It's easy to sell things to hungry people. They are people who don't understand the nature of their hunger. It's not as easy to create a life with rich relationships love and deep connection with others and the earth. This is where my true greed lies.

I was a Christian all my life but always managed to avoid the worst of the dogma that usually comes with it. I started listening to Eckhart Tolle, Leo and some other teachers about 5 years ago and made great progress in mastering my emotions and opening my mind to spirituality, but this winter things starting falling apart and everything I did to keep depression and desire at bay stopped working. Before that I started getting sensitive to energy from places and had started having mild mystical experiences but didn't notice them for what they were. I read a book by clairvoyant doctor who grew up in my town and was fascinated by how similar our lives were in ways. At the same time a friend who I had had a huge falling out with and I started really reconnecting. She asked me to read a marriage book that I thought was disgustingly conservative and anti-feminist but fancying myself "stage yellow" I decided to read it as a favor so I could help her. The book turned out to be the law of attraction as applied to marriage in disguise. I somehow immediately connected it as law of attraction and saw how much I needed those principals in my life in general. I started honoring my desires again and realized that I wanted to move away from the rural area I live in. I started doing everything in my power to make it happen and then started doubting and searched on youtube out of desperation for something like "should I move?" Abraham Hicks popped up. I don't even remember what she had to say about the subject but immediately I was hooked. My Grandmother died and I applied her teachings to dealing with her death. Mystical experiences continued, I tapped into her consciousness the night she died, and starting noticing and believing in my mystical experiences. I decided that I really wanted to teach spirituality so I changed my youtube channel from financial topics to spiritual ones and starting coming here. I started doing Wim Hof breathing to help put me in a realized state to film. I found the old foundation in the woods where the clairvoyant doctor had lived and started getting insights there. @tsuki and I had some interesting conversations here and I started a journal and then I started channeling, and channeling memories and doing shadow work and he led me through to having a no self experience in the journal. It was grueling in a way but also with bliss states for days, I hardly slept or ate for a couple of weeks, my dreams stopped and turned into LOUD unavoidable channeling of insights or memories. This simplifies the whole thing and glosses over a lot of things and people that really helped. Tied into it was my discovering the history of the clairvoyant doctor and uncovering different parts of his history along the way. One common theme was inexplicable magnetic attraction to people or places, and I realize that I was doing a lot of groundwork beforehand, or during my entire life to become sensitive to it. I'm awake but not all the way integrated, I still have useless energy sucking thought patterns playing out, I'm still unconscious of a lot. That was in April and I'm just now getting back to work and life and able to going deep states of presence again.

Last night I had one of those annoying repetitive dreams. I dreamed that we were going on a vacation and we were flying on a plane somewhere tropical. I've only flown once in my life, when I was 17 with my husband, then boyfriend and his parents. I have this dream a lot and normally I desperately don't want to go, my inlaws are always asking us to go on vacation with them but we always say no, and I especially don't like spending money on plane tickets and vacations and have a really weird resistance to travel. This time though, I really did want to go. I dreamed that I wasn't really packed and especially so because I didn't have my glasses or contacts and was totally going to be screwed. I couldn't decide if we should go back or if we would miss our plane. We went back and my husband didn't seem to give a crap the entire time if we missed the plane, this is typical of his attitude which is in my eyes almost always really relaxed to the point of complacency. He balances my high stung neurotism, but we'd both do well to balance out our own personalities. We went back, I grabbed some contacts and stuffed them in my pocket and we made it back on the plane. The stress I felt though... This is an area in life that really shows my learnt fear and focus on limitation. It's also funny that with my decision shortly before awakening to try my hardest to leave this place, I ended up fully falling in love with it. There's a new statue at the real life mansion summer home that I run to on long runs. Last summer I got sort of obsessed with the place, I'd run through the field of goldfinches and buttercups and there would be fountains and manicured gardens, a rare look as prosperity in this place. The stone statue is of a girl holding an american flag and her feet are broken off.