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Everything posted by mandyjw
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mandyjw replied to SoonHei's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
I'd like to say it's complete sexist nonsense, but... not quite. Careful of some of the inferences though. I would guess that "man" and "woman" are defined more by "brain type" than actual gender, there's a trend that aligns with gender but not a rule. Paths are unique to the individual, so unique in fact that there are no individuals anyway. It's crucial to follow your heart, regardless of how that's "supposed" to look, to find your way back home. “Be melting snow. Wash yourself of yourself.” -Rumi "Some people are worth melting for" -Olaf "All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players" -Shakespeare -
What's with the, "if I appreciate it, I'll jinx it" or "if I appreciate it and love something about it, I'll be stuck with it this way forever" tendency beliefs? Three successes: Started an Ask and It IS Given Board on Pinterest. Much more patience with my son today, good day all in all homeschooling Great awareness and maintenance of mood today Three things that brought me joy: My daughter playing in the rainy mud in her puddle jumper suit with the dog. Wearing my labradorite necklace for no reason Reading the processes in Ask and It Is Given book, just shocked at how much I resonate with them Three things that I am thankful for: Time My kids the air I breathe
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Three successes: Got lots of time to read and lots out of what I read. Great job with diet, exercise and fitness today. Intentions and goals for today were achieved for the most part without much effort. Three things that brought me joy: The smell of the daffodils my daughter picked. My seedlings coming up, kale, sage, lavender and brown eyed-susans Fresh baked vegan oatmeal muffins Three things that I am thankful for: A creative job that I can set my own hours and work when I'm inspired. My green papasan chair for reading Beauty everywhere I look
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mandyjw replied to Dark11's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
All brilliant creative work is channeled, it comes from the same source. It does not necessarily require a high degree of consciousness/understanding/self knowledge to allow it, that's why we call it. Sometimes it's just a rush and chills up your spine as pretty words flow out and it doesn't necessarily require a much intellectual understanding of how it happened to create or appreciate art. -
Last night when I was writing about being thankful for my husband, I noticed that there was more resistance than with my parents. I also felt like admiring certain qualities about them was a little tricky in a way, something didn't feel right or true about that. Then, like clockwork of the tea spilling on the book, my husband exploded at our son for procrastinating on his work all day. Yesterday when I was talking with my Dad he said that he was fixing a tire for his wood cart and that the tube had to be repaired so he had a kit for that and he opened the sealed metal tube of glue and there was absolutely nothing in it. I thought this was odd and was trying to understand how LOA fit in with the story. He then said that he fixed the tire with something else and pumped it up and the entire thing exploded and hit him the stomach. Last night I dreamed that I was with my husband and I took out a metal tube of something and fed it to him. I did this unconsciously as if it was a routine, but after I became conscious that I fed him poison and he was going to die, and I had been doing this routine for ages. Funny, that black widow spiders have a red hourglass shapes on their backs. Some of my thoughts are poison, but someone forgot to fill it with any substance that sticks. Apparently my gratitude exercise at night is making all hell break lose. I say WE FORGE AHEAD. Perhaps I'm only becoming more conscious of my desires and the ways I myself block them. BTW, Ask and It Is Given, wow. I love Abraham Hicks clips, but the books are allowing me to focus and learn it in a deeper way. Repetition and focus is key.
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mandyjw replied to blankisomeone's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
No thought about yourself that feels bad is true. -
God, I love that song and the symbolism in the video. Three successes: Insights today into how anger and "loss of control" is created and the function/desire behind it. More clarification of what I want and how I want to relate to others. Emotional release with minimal blame and story going into. Three things that brought me joy: The smell of the woods outside on this beautiful spring day. The sound of a mourning dove, and the symbolism of them too. I have a crystal rainbow prism that casts little rainbows all over the walls and ceiling at a certain time of day. Three things that I am thankful for: My mom and how wonderful, smart, nurturing and supportive she is. My dad and how creative, funny and emotionally intelligent he is. My husband and how calm, collected and smart he is.
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There's nothing to lose, there never was. If you find $20 and then the wind blows it away a moment later, you aren't too upset. It came, it went, you lost it in the way someone else did, it's almost poetic. It's almost funny. It is funny. If you lose your own $20 you are upset and more, you blame yourself. If your parents buy you your first car and buy everything for you, it doesn't matter much to you if it gets scratched. If you work your ass off for your first car, it matters a lot if it gets scratched. Life is meant to be lived so that the car is appreciated as if you worked for it, but also to have so little concern over it as if it were a gift. Like spilling tea over a perfectly beautiful new book you were appreciating. Life is a beautiful mess. Shit. I didn't know this existed.
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If there's no doer what's a loss of control? It's a scary and beautifully freeing thought, forgiveness and Self Love itself. Also... ohhh fuck. Oh... Jesus. Why DOES ANYONE TALK ABOUT IT BEING LOVE??? OR PEACE? OR EQUANIMITY? OR WISDOM? FUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!! I couldn't give you any directions that would possibly save you from karma. You just can't exclude anything. Even exclusion. *barfy face smiley face* OHHH!!! barfing, clearing karma, exclusion is inclusion!!! The seeing of what was irritating you as you re-experience it. I really want to buy my bobblehead Jesus but I'm afraid the amazon workers will be like "who the fuck needs this in the middle of a pandemic". CARE KILLED THE CAT, but BOBBLE HEAD JESUS BROUGHT IT BACK. WHY IS THERE NOT A SINGLE VIDEO OF A CAT PLAYING WITH A BOBBLE HEAD JESUS ON THE INTERNET? Oh mindfuck of mindfucks.
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Some things get broken and some things stay buried for decades and yet stay perfectly intact.
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I've been utilizing my dream board more often, and also after meditating I write out what I want to do, feel and focus on that day in a notebook. I finished the first book in this, and am reading "Ask and It is Given". I'm reading four books at once, but this does not seem to be a problem at all so I'm ignoring all programming that wants to tell me otherwise, because reading four books seems to make me read all the more as I pick up what I need at the time. When I can't seem to be specific about my intentions, "It is my intent to see that which I want to see" from Abraham Hicks, gets right to the core of it. Powerful, powerful, powerful. The next exercise in the self care book is to write about things that stress you out to identify them. Last night I got a message from my mother-in-law that brought up all kinds of patterns and feelings. I reframed our relationship much in the same way that I reframed this event last night, My mother in law and myself are both very similar, we have very strong desires but mismatched world views. And neither of these things are wrong and each is equally loved as a different perspective. But I have to let go of my fear that she can make me unhappy, or that I must act in the way she wants to make her happy. I am not responsible for her happiness, only my own and the more I honor my own happiness and intuition, the better it is for everyone involved. I must also see her with an open heart and see and appreciate the things in her which I wish to embody, which is that she asks for what she wants and boldly grabs for it without a care what other people think. I also want to stop second guessing my decisions, and to become more conscious that there is no doer and no perfect one judging me, outside me. Something funny happened last night when I was doing my gratitude exercise, it felt like a sort of test. The self care book is printed beautifully and I love the colors and design. I was right about to write this down when my puppy jumped on the desk, spilled my tea all over my desk and the book. The book was ok, but my whole computer was soaked and as I cleaned it up I considered the quote "I don't mind what happens". I shortened the puppy's reach and today noticed that my whole stack of beautifully printed business cards was ruined. I was really sad about this and threw them away reminding myself that "nothing is wasted" and asked myself what's the desire behind it. Emmm... new business cards? I wrote it down on the dream board, but as I did I thought that what I really want is inspiration and direction for my business, and the current one is something I want to not let die but have an integrative merging sort of death (the only kind there is!) with my passion. Which brings me back to feeling as if all my passions are integrating, and it seems like some of the smaller more feminine ones, that I considered silly all my life are integral to self care and the "Ask and It Is Given" book, ties everything in so that nothing is insignificant or unworthy. I had extreme resistance to starting homeschool work with my son this week, to the point where I felt nauseous, and then his folder didn't get delivered until a day late and I was a day behind and I thought "whew was that law of attraction at play". He has extreme resistance to doing the work, and I had having to constantly remind him, to work on it. He will stall an assignment for hours literally. It's hard to accept that he is mirroring me, and that the unnecessary resistance he is modeling is present in myself. Of course it feels awful to resist his resistance, but I feel responsible for him learning to complete tasks. I'm afraid the teacher will think I'm lazy. I'm afraid that he is lazy. 2 and half hours later, I started this entry, and things devolved, and I ended up smashing and stomping my magnet fridge mail container with such violent fury it hurt it my leg, and going upstairs and crying. I have noticed that life is like this, exactly when you seek to change a pattern, to get to it's root, it explodes in your face. Why? Because it's working. I wrote today that I want to feel "productive, relaxed, and content." The tea spilling on the book exactly when I started an exercise to list things I appreciated. The sink plugging last year right when i discovered the law of attraction and trying to use it as control, having an awakening and then weeks later getting an excavator to fix the sink plumbing and them digging up the antique lightning jar after that morning I listened to "electric love" and thought about the line in the song, lightning in a bottle. Seeing that my resistance to my son's resistance, a story about resistance, was JUST resistance, that my doership and his doership was doership and resistance, and shit hits the fan as the body tries to release the tension. It would be tempting to feel like a failure, like a fucking idiot. That would be a story, a failed self concept to try on. Normally I would say this doesn't work, stop reading Ask and It Is Given, the law of attraction doesn't work. You want an unclogged sink, you imagine it and try to will it, and the sink clogs further and stays that way while multiple people fail to fix it for weeks. Then you end up getting everything else you ever asked for and never thought was possible. In fact, it's working perfectly, you are getting everything you asked for. The clog in the drain has to come out before water can flow through. Even if you have to dig deep through the earth to get to it. Yeeeeees. Yes. Yes. Yes to everything. There's no exclusion in this universe.
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I'm reading a book by Arin Murphy-Hiscock about self care, am really enjoying it and I wanted to try this out. There are a lot of good journaling suggestions there. At the end of the day list three successes, three things that brought you joy, three things that you are thankful for. Three successes: When life got challenging this afternoon with the kids and puppy, I stole away and went upstairs to meditate and was fine that it only lasted a few minutes and was refreshed enough that I could invite my daughter in to read a book to her happily When my daughter started getting into a screaming, barking match with the puppy, because he wanted to eat her unicorn hat, I was able to appreciate her whimsical nature, and appreciate the puppy's crazy instinctual playful nature, rather than purely taking it personally how they were matching together to make my life obnoxious. I did my yin yoga routine, and progress is noticeable, even though flexibility is not my real goal for the practice. Three things that brought me joy: Going for a walk and appreciating the wild beautiful energy of this place. Reading. My puppy's surprising reaction to a barking dog, completely calm, super alert and almost a natural heel, even though none of that was trained. Three things that I am thankful for: The privilege to do this "work" to have the resources available at my fingertips to pull myself back into alignment, the teachers I have access to, the forum, to have a guidance system of feelings and emotion and to understand how it works. It seems like the craziest luck to me to have "discovered" this, that was here all along. My crazy household, as crazy as it is, is exactly everything I've ever dreamed, more, than I ever dared dream. The smell of a new book. Mmmmmm...
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mandyjw replied to StarStruck's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
This is really, really good. -
mandyjw replied to Rilles's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
Journaling can increase them exponentially, law of attraction, you get more of what you think about and appreciate. "You ain't seen nothin' yet." And nor will you ever in fact, see nothing. -
mandyjw replied to Rilles's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
It can be both, is it healthy to eat food or does food make you fat? Go by how you feel. -
mandyjw replied to Zanoni's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
I've never heard anyone talk about it specifically like he did, but in my opinion Buddhism does deal with this but in different language. The pain body is a particular kind of suffering and the stories behind it that are used to perpetuate it can seem very legitimate, and often like impossibly concrete limitations. Suffering of oppressed groups of people, the environmental devastation of the planet can be tapped into and felt as if it's the weight of the world. "Triggers" like world events, weather, drinking alcohol, physical pain, for women, natural hormonal changes, all can seem to trigger this "weight of the world" depression that may or may not revolve around direct thoughts of specific person. The story must be removed, or seen through and the pain fully accepted to be cleared or seen through. The pain body is just the separate sense of self, ego. In our society we like to think of a strong ego as someone who asserts themselves at the expense of others, but the ego who suffers so badly as a victim of the world that it wishes it were never born is the strongest ego of the two. In the case of the pain body, this type of ego does not take responsibility for its pain, it believes it is the victim of all the pain in the world. The sense of separation is immense, and not only is it thought, but it's felt as well. I think that's why Eckhart found it helpful to differentiate the pain body from ego, but it's the same idea, the same sense of felt separation but can show up and manifest itself very differently in different people. We all tell ourselves different stories about why and how we are separate. -
I like to find my favorite pages and mark the "see posts first" option.
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Last night I was feeling down and started writing about how it feels like you lose the path, the sense of oneself on a path, because this is "seen through" and time and time again no longer makes sense. Then there's this feeling of groundlessness, which thoughts react to and form an image of oneself being lost which is more delusional than the belief of someone on a path. Out on a run today, just after my favorite spot, I had to go around a truck and on the way back I saw all kinds of stickers on it. One was a rabbit with wings and the others a "Not all who wander are lost" quote. “All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring; Renewed shall be blade that was broken, The crownless again shall be king.” ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
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Last night I had a wild and creepy dream, and it's making me start to wonder if I need to journal privately, but I've never had a good sense of what I shouldn't or shouldn't share online, so here we go. If you're reading this without knowing me, long story short, last year a story line about a clairvoyant doctor who lived in the 1800's, reading his book and uncovering the story and finding the remains of his home coinciding with the death of of my grandmother who was born and lived in the same town 3 months before he died, all this served as a thread that wove through my life and helped in opening my mind and breaking my reality as I had previously clung to it and knew it. (it's an entire paragraph in one sentence!) As you can imagine, it was later difficult to "let go of" the story, so to speak. It's as if the One "I" created a story, (that was true but unbelievable) to break the story (that was true but very believable). As we let go of beliefs about reality, and open ourselves up to new possibilities, sometimes the mind goes to default mechanism and filters and turns the new possibilities into beliefs, concreteizing (is that a word?) them. When you try to concretize the ephemeral, well... it sinks like a lead balloon. Anyway last night, I dreamed that I requested that Dr.P be exhumed. I don't know why but it was like it was already done and I thought "they'll never do that, they can't do that", "I shouldn't have asked for that, why did I want that". So, my "wish" was granted, and gone beyond. "They", (suddenly there was this incredible organization who worked together to make this into a formal event), "they" basically planned a second funeral celebration for him. There were carefully written up histories and it was a big event. And there was Dr.P's body all set up in a casket. No one seemed to notice or care that this was disgusting and disrespectful. My thought upon seeing him was "wow! embalming works REALLY well!" because it was as if he had recently died, not died over 100 years ago. There was something off about his nose and the strangest thing, the symbolic one was that there was this deep crack through the center of his forehead. I felt no love for him or the situation, indifference, slight interest, and a very mild form of horror. In the dream I felt as if I had made it happen by a horribly inappropriate ridiculous suggestion which sent everyone around me into making my ill advised wish come true, forgetting it was mine and taking it as their own. Is the message that it's best to leave some things buried? In consciousness "buried" is just a thought after all. There is no surface, and no below, no above, no below. Lately I have been thinking about mystical experiences and strange connections, and how the mind loves to take them and run with them. It does no good to deny them, but they must be carefully handled. It's kind of like sex education for teenagers, if you say too much, that's BAD... if you say too little, that's BAD. I've been eating vegan for the past few days, yesterday my mom brought up some baked beans, and I ate some. I realized that she had cooked them with a tiny bit of pork and immediately I felt disgusted. Pork is something I avoid mostly, even when I eat other meat. There was this horrible feeling and I realized that I had turned again meat = anti-spiritual into a belief I felt it was worth suffering for, EVEN though, I have been carefully resisting this by NOT GOING VEGAN in the first place. The one who thinks of himself as vegan doesn't exist. This eating meat/food thing was a them/realization of my awakening and I still don't quite understand. Maybe because I'm still trying to understand? Thoughts and ideals like to grab on to food and diet ideals quicker than... Oh... I was just trying to think of a clever metaphor and as my mind scanned it thought of "a quick brown fox" and I remembered that after waking up this morning, contemplating the strange dream, a fox ran across my backyard. A fox heralded the awakening/discovery of where Dr.P's mansion had been. I rarely see foxes, but I saw one while running by his house, before knowing I was running by his house. It ran out from there Iahead of me, crossed the road and ran off, and it was a beautiful notable event for me to see it. Then, this past summer in the heat I went up on the platform to where his outlook gazebo had been and on the other side, feet from me was the fox looking hot and stressed out. We stared at each other in terror, and thankfully he ran away. The real fear of foxes is not that they are wild animals but that they carry rabies. Then mid summer, it killed a white rabbit (not supposed to be white rabbits midsummer) and left its foot and a path of fur on Dr.P's property. I haven't seen one again, until this morning in my own backyard. During or right after the awakening, (timelines and such events fail when questioned) I went somewhere that had become a powerful analogy and place of "power" and had an intuition to turn over a rock and it was covered in fossil imprints. I've spent hours looking there before and not found one so nice. It's become quite clear to me that the awakening was only a contrasting event, a glimpse of my true self without veils, and while I knew that logically, I still held this "event" on a pedestal and my mind held me from "it". Yesterday I went back to this place and looked for fossils with my kids. I ended up on this section of the beach and the rocks were incredibly colored and varied and I started looking at types of rocks I didn't think would be fossils. I started digging, because there was this green rock I really wanted to unearth. Rock after rock, fossil, after fossil, better and more interesting than the previous one, more beautiful and varied rocks, until I was bored with fossils, they had no value to me any longer. I started getting a headache from looking. "Just sit and look over the water." That's what I wanted, but I kept pawing through the rocks out of habit. When I left I felt it made no difference if I looked for them or looked at the water, took them with me or left them there. I so adore my meta-fors. Like Rupert Spira says about the right attitude to have for the things that we recoil from, resist and avoid, in the same way we should aim to feel about the things that we passionately love and get taken away with, a kind of "loving indifference."
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mandyjw replied to NoN-RaTiOnAL's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
Having an abnormal or painful thinking pattern may cause you to question and watch your thoughts more, it will be like having a fire under your arse to motivate you to do so. On top of that, "neurotic" or "compulsive thinkers" are beliefs, thoughts and judgements themselves of oneself or other people. Enlightenment is the transcendence of these, in more ways than one. Thoughts aren't owned, there's no one to have them. -
mandyjw replied to andyjohnsonman's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
The path of least resistance is not a bypass, but choosing a path of more resistance because you erroneously decided based on flawed criteria beforehand that it's the path of least resistance is something most of us often do out of habit. That's true for big decisions and little ones. -
mandyjw replied to andyjohnsonman's topic in Spirituality, Consciousness, Awakening, Mysticism, Meditation, God
I think that after seeing that there's no self, spirituality, or the "means" by which we "think" that was seen, then becomes a more feasible story line to grab on to for a while. We give credit to spirituality, thinking it's safe and worthy of the credit we give it because spirituality and practices are not an actual thing. We don't realize that things are only things because we make them separate things in thoughts, on one level it makes no difference if we identify with a sports car or a spiritual attainment. -
Reading through the thread I posted above again was an entirely new experience, as I understood more and I seem to be becoming more and more aware that every experience is completely new and is both not happening. I've been listening to Rupert Spira's yoga meditations and yesterday this one seemed to have quite an effect fitting it in with everything else. The night before last I ended up arguing with my husband. Shortly after a glass that I took from my grandmother's house with Minnie and Mickey mouse fell and broke, cracking with a line straight between them. The next morning a mouse in the wall annoyed me a lot during meditation. I re-baited the traps the next morning. My husband criticized something I wrote on my dream board that morning and I tried to explain how desires are meant to be let go of, they aren't necessarily goals. I had written "house on the ocean". I understood the next day how I had feelings of being afraid of him which have nothing to do with my actual safety or his character but expectations I've placed on him out of survival based fears and how fear based my lack of connection with him was. A lot of things came together for me to let go of the reactions, and holding the openness allowed me to see things in a new light. Last night I had lots of thought come up that I'd consider overthinking/nihilism. Thoughts like, "oh shit, it's REALLY real, that nothing is real." It sounds hilarious, but doesn't feel funny to think them. Meditation has gone from mostly peaceful and enjoyable to somewhat difficult, though because that's a judgement happening after the fact the real judgement that I make is that they have become incredibly "productive". There's a lot of watching thoughts and feelings like "you're not doing it right", "you haven't tapped into that", staying stuck on beating oneself up AFTER a thought that was judged and owned, and surrendering the doer and the illusion of time. The Alice in Wonderland quote above about time has come back to me many times. Toward the end of meditation this morning the sun started streaming and I had this image of a girl from high school I never liked. I ended up offending her in the locker room after gym by saying something I didn't mean to sound mean, and just hadn't thought through but she took it that way. She said something mildly mean in response and I took the whole thing very hard. It was a story or memory that fueled my "I hate people", "I can't deal with people", "I have no social skills", "I'm not worthy of existence and social interaction" stories. I had never thought of her again except in passing, quickly dismissing the painful story behind it and annoyance with her, and had sort of kept her in the box of "people I hate", without considering it since. It seemed so random how the thought of her came up, until I realized that it wasn't random at all. Then the next thought was of time shortage, "I've gone deep into a meditative state, this is the goal, I don't want it to end, what I want is here, not our there and the alarm is going to go off and break it" storyline. I have an intention to make up with Time. It's never what you think it is. One thing I've been doing is watching the "ugly" feelings come up with thoughts behind them and having a "come sit on grandma's knee" approach to know that they are loved and seen. Otherwise the judgement after the fact exists within time, and resists them because it can't "see" them properly, all it knows is a memory of it and its reaction against it. If I child acts up to get attention, they will continue because it's just an indicator that they aren't getting enough attention. The attention must come, not only in response to the child acting up, but more often than that. The bad behavior has a legitimate cause, there's a root need it's showing. Self love, self love, self love, keeps coming up again and again in a myriad of ways, yet always the same answer to an infinite number of stories or scenarios built to veil or hold it apart from what it already is.
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