mandyjw

@allislove Today was craaaaazy. Hope I can journal about it tomorrow but this video was incredibly helpful. Also let's just say it's Roger's fault that I learned how to take dents out of metal that I put there today, while I'm giving others credit for stuff.

From the gospel of Thomas, 36. Jesus said, "Do not fret, from morning to evening and from evening to morning, [about your food--what you're going to eat, or about your clothing--] what you are going to wear. [You're much better than the lilies, which neither card nor spin. As for you, when you have no garment, what will you put on? Who might add to your stature? That very one will give you your garment.]" 37. His disciples said, "When will you appear to us, and when will we see you?" Jesus said, "When you strip without being ashamed, and you take your clothes and put them under your feet like little children and trample them, then [you] will see the son of the living one and you will not be afraid."

@DrewNows Maybe someday! @Johnny5

If you're wildly skilled and original in what you do, minimal marketing is all you need, sometimes. If you story is interesting enough, or what you do is unique enough it will catch people's attention on its own. You might really like Seth Godin's books and talks on youtube. He really delves into this sort of thing.

Yesterday I listened to Roger Castillo's satsang, and he talked about something I found really useful to contemplate, which is because we believe we are the body and seek pain and pleasure, we also believe that other people seek pain and pleasure too. So he used the example of cutting someone off in traffic and making them angry. That's the kind of thing that I found so unbearable, causing pain to others, that I felt it was better to retreat from the world, especially since it seemed to be full of people who were quick to blame others for things. Side note, Roger is absolutely incredible, but he just kind of sits and talks so matter of fact like a normal person so you wouldn't realize it, nor immediately recognize the depth and value of what he does. Someone should make him a snazzy intro. Anyway this unwillingness to cause pain to others or felt responsibility for other people's pain has been one of the greatest forms of suffering. Having kids brought this front and center. There's a biological response to a baby crying. I've even woken up completely in the night because a baby across the road cried. The sympathetic pain is sometimes more clearly and directly physically felt. I suppose at the deepest level of misunderstanding it turns into an either or thing, I can sacrifice my life for you or I can be happy. I take a lot of responsibility for other people's pain. This is such a tricky subject because we've been taught to do his, but for girls who are emotionally connected and empathetic it can become monstrous and destructive. Ironically it turns me into a bitch, especially to my husband. I wonder if my feeling like he doesn't do enough, and doesn't take enough responsibility is because I'm taking responsibility for something I don't have control over. I'm trying to control something I can't, which feels awful. Then I assume that feeling awful is because I can't manage to control the thing. When my husband is mad or unhappy I actually get mad at him. The way Roger words it is that suffering is the attitude not circumstantial, and what AH teaches with "if it feels bad, it's not true" Lately life has been so amazing and I've been so uninhibited in going for what I want. There's also a fear that it's because of the time of year, which is ending and becoming complicated shortly with my kids starting school amidst a pandemic, and my mind trying to credit the happiness with circumstances and then fear that those will go away. I also realized that depression is a call to go deeper. Not a "come over here you fucking bitch" call, but an invitation to something so wonderful, you'll hate yourself for not going, and that's what the depression really is.

If in the metaphysical mystic duality fantasy world people apparently have levels of "spiritual attainment" or even natural "talent", if they have their own unique flavor of energy, then places most certainly do too. Seems like every time I try to leave, some world crisis or personal awakening happens. This place be like...

Funny how last night's journal entry totally unearthed the blame/shame theme. There's another layer to it, that I even blame people and myself for blaming and shaming, and it all happens here. Funny the word place got typed as the word blame. There isn't a here and a there.

Started feeling down and knew I needed to take a break from working, which I've been doing a lot of lately. Went to Dr.P's and brought along an old project I made years ago and was excited about and had some sort of symbolic meaning which later tied in to Dr.P's. I learned the irony last year that he had a huge Rebecca at the Well statue fountain yet had a massive problem getting a well or water where his mansion was built. The project is a kind of water vessel with flowers blooming inside. I had the intent of leaving it there, on intuition. I went down by the stream that flows behind the cemetery and filled it with water. I got there and couldn't decide what direction to go in. I heard a loud crash in the woods, something falling from a tree. So I went to the biggest old apple tree and left the vessel in the tree. Found a fresh gold/green apple on the ground, from another tree. The big tree bears later. Ate it and it tasted great. I explored the blame (what, reading this over i wrote blame, and it's supposed to be place. I don't even have auto correct.)place top to bottom last year, going there often. This year I've been much busier with "real life." I could have a fairly booming business if I marketed my memorial products. But I don't know if I want to do that, especially with the kids still fairly young. There's nothing about working with human and pet cremains that bothers me, except the stress of the responsibility, the sending through the mail on something irreplaceable and the lack of creative freedom in doing just special orders. Anyway before I got to Dr.P's I made the intention that I wanted to find something awesome and I let it he intention go because I've gone there "searching" so many times for some revival of the initial discovery there, and played that game many times. I felt better there, just killing time in the woods, noticing things, sort of fantasizing yet being still with nature never ceases to bring out emotion in a way that it can be processed and felt rather than suffered. I walked home and on the way thought to check the free book box again. In it right on top in the place where the "Vanish with the Rose" was on the last time was this. https://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Consciousness-Spirituality-Steven-Harrison/dp/1591810132/ref=sr_1_5?dchild=1&keywords=beyond+consciousness+steven+harrison&qid=1597618772&s=books&sr=1-5 this, https://www.amazon.com/Creating-Health-Honoring-Womens-Wisdom/dp/1564553035/ref=tmm_abk_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1597621883&sr=1-16 And a box full of really high conciousness talks. On tape. Mostly focused on healing for women but with more general spiritual teachings too. Guess I'm buying a cassette player. I was wanting something to listen to that didn't take internet since sometimes it goes out when I'm working. It happened to me this morning actually. Some of the titles in there, The Body Tells the Truth: Cellular Life Stories Ilana Rubenfield Margot Anand - The Seven Rhthyms of Love and The Power of Sexual Ecstasy Spicy A bunch of stuff on healing. A total treasure trove. On cassette tape. In a plastic storage bin free book box in a tiny country town. Just about this time, about 9 or 10 years ago, I felt this place was out of some sort of fairy tale. That didn't seem logical so I didn't believe that of course but I felt it and it inspired some story ideas. One time this time of year an apple tree broke off and someone had already graphitti painted "Forever" on a pole behind it. The broken tree bore apples anyway even though it seemed impossible, and in behind in the background was the word forever. It made quite a picture. I just reread my entry AGAIN, and noticed the blame "mistake" again. The tree of life, and the blame. That's why I accidentally typed the word blame. Of course. My mother read to my kids today the story of the garden of eden out of an old children's bible today. My daughter's middle name is Eden. "Have they heard it before?" She asked. "I don't think so." I wondered if I wanted them to hear it. Adam was lonely so God created Eve. That part struck a cord. Am I just here for men's entertainment? Huh. Entertain comes from the juxtaposition of French entre which comes from Latin Inter both words meaning 'together, or among', and Latin tenere, which means 'to hold'. So, literally, entertain means to 'hold or support together'.

Ugh! Perception is such a bitch. Perhaps I am the bitch? Hmm... I read into everything. Maybe I don't. Maybe that's the illusion. I must be stable in order for me to be able to see someone's photo and feel disgust one time, look at the same photo and feel perfect love another, and something else completely new another. There must be a memory and a stable I to mark and notice that change, there must be an observer behind the perception. To read a forum post and the same words on separate occasions and read an entirely different meaning each time. I feel uncomfortable sensations in my stomach and feel the need to distract... myself. From what?

Love and evil are judgements. No one is asking you to change your judgement from bad to good about certain things. They are asking you to question judgement itself fundamentally, and the you who judges and knows what things are.

Follow your bliss, follow your heart, get quiet, get curious, notice things and appreciate them. After that it's like the snowball effect and the thing starts rolling downhill all on its own.

Charles Swindoll was idolized in my house when I was a kid. Break free from all that and here we are again. Straaaaaange loop.

I can't remember when but a while ago I became aware and somewhat humorously entertained by the fact that I make wild expectations, or expectations in general... completely unconsciously. Where do they come from? "Well this is not what I expected!" "What were you expecting?" "Fucked if I know, but not this." Trying to control the thoughts you're conscious of is like carefully locking your doors at night and then climbing in bed with a serial killer.

I'm using the different aspects of my life to "bounce" inspiration off. When one ball falls, I throw the other up in the air. A lot of art is knowing when to delve in and when to set it aside and forget it until you can look at it with fresh eyes. Too much focus on my business which I have an income in gets lonely and tiring, and it feels awesome to create something that connects language and make videos. After too much focus on youtube and it feels awesome to shut the fuck up and create visual art. Same deal with family, the house, etc. I feel as if my scatter-brained ADD mind is becoming a super power. I thought it was a problem I had to control.

Shooting this video and the new inspiration I've found over the past couple of weeks have been eye opening. I think I turn my gender into an excuse for discrediting myself in feeling and thought. Male/female duality is an interesting one to collapse. (That's what she said.)

Love is naturally mind opening. Open your mind to her views and she'll most likely open her mind to your views. We all influence each other quite powerfully whether we know it or not.

You might like my channel. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCufWoVYvFm_6VKc09xUAV3A Also Tara Brach is really good. https://www.youtube.com/user/tarabrach

@Lyubov Do you have the opportunity to visit parks, go hiking, swimming, do outdoor stuff? That seems to be the place where I see people interacting normally and comfortably right now. Helps with the loneliness even if you don't meet someone.

Impulse to youtube search The Cathedrals, the music of which I was "indoctrinated" with very young. All the top results have "He" in them. Oh wait no. I'm blaming people again. That was me leaving the T out of the. Goddamn it! I wrote "He". There's no one to blame anything on anymore! Goddamn it! Intuition, you tricked me! Oh I'm so embarrassed. I'm the monster at the end of this book. I just remembered that I saw a starfish monster with light for eyes in a cloud that was blocking the sun while swimming today. Then saw another cute monster in something or other.

Whose shadow is it anyway?

The more I realize this song is Truth with a capital T the more people compliment me on my authenticity. Also femininity is huge on my mind right now. And the message of this song is something I'll journal about later. If you're reading don't read into it. I have something weird going on where talking is healing to me, but I have to have the intent of healing someone else, or talking about some existential truth, not just the intent of healing for me. What's up with that?

Oh God no! People can channel some pretty deep stuff but not live it, especially not immediately. I don't think that's failure, in fact I think it's kind of beautiful. Real wisdom can't be used as a standard to hold oneself or anyone else to, it's kind of already everywhere and free to anyone. The perfection of humanity is in the imperfections.

Women most certainly do the test drive thing too. Sometimes to see how caring/selfish a guy is when his guard is down. Some people have personalities where they want their relationships to be for life, they are highly sensitive that way. Sex means nothing to some and it's a really big deal to others. Do what feels right for you and forget what other people think is good or bad.