mandyjw

Boys be mansplaining in my PMS journal now. No offense, I mandysplain a lot too. So last night I dreamed that I was with two other women and my dream character wasn't really a solid "me" no connection to my actual life story. As far as I can understand about the setting we had just come out of this really long tunnel or mine system that went deep into the earth (recurring dream theme for me) and there was this other woman who we were absolutely terrified of. She was dark, primal sort of the mix between woman and animal, like a bear and I remember associating her with dark and black. And we were going back through that tunnel but knew there was a very good possibility that she never left and was waiting to attack us there in the dark, who knows when. Then the dream shifted more to my real life except the setting was wildly different. I met the teacher who would teach my son after disapproving of another and she was sweet so I felt good about her. Then when I woke up and raked through the dreams, I realized that I judge women much more harshly than I do men. Probably because I judge myself harshly so I judge them more harshly. Lots of crying emotional release during meditation, in which saw so many ways I try to judge myself during meditation. I "heard" this incredibly subtle message, "You don't have to be anything". I've used male/female differences as a framework to judge myself.

I like the words sincere or earnest. Slightly different connotations make a world of difference in avoiding misconceptions I think.

They are also just story characters in a collective impersonal mind. I only want to be as conscious as Voldemort was. You'll never find my horcruxes.

The title of this journal is "just Imagine"' for a reason. I've imagined profound connections with clairvoyant doctors, Leo, Jesus and Harry Potter. Other people including myself at times find profound truths in astrology, chakras or spiral dynamics. Truth is a tricky bitch, always in flux it seems and only personal to us. But then we look back at the person it's personal to, and that's not even true either. Fall in love with it and then unmask it.

Are boys fighting each other in my PMS journal? Enlightenment isn't what I thought.

Grrr....

Colors are an infinite wheel and people perceive them differently. Also no one can agree on a wheel that actually represents them or what the primary colors are which if you get into art becomes apparent when you start mixing colors. Very cool video on color theory,

Well scorpions are fucking badass, try being represented by scales. No wonder I think astrology is bullshit. Was born on a full moon though, that's badass, so I'll take credit for that part.

@arlin Confidence and your own self image profoundly affects other's perception of you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. This isn't just cliche is psychology. If a girl says you're too ugly to sleep with it's because she's so insecure about her own looks, she thinks she can get the confidence and self love she wants by sleeping with someone who is very confident in how they look. Everyone has great features. Focus on them in yourself and others and forget the rest until you love yourself, everything else will profoundly change or stop mattering. It sounds too good to be true but if you're sincere in doing it, it really does work.

Yep! I'm libra, and balance is just some sort of bullshit idea that doesn't exist.

@zeroISinfinity I actually have no idea what it means. I'm just playing too.

@zeroISinfinity Dude, yesterday you asked Nahm to confirm the "truth" of what I said in a comment. He just pretends to be a wise old lady. Come on, burn the patriarchy. No one knows what they're talking about around here. Some more profoundly than others, sure, but still.

@zeroISinfinity So I take it you'll help me burn the patriarchy? Insights for the morning, Everywhere there is great power is something we think we should be ashamed of or afraid of. Vulnerability and beauty are inherently linked, perhaps even equivalent.

Substance is the wiser thing to seek and put more weight on, but it is also not wise to ever completely let go of style. The expectation of it maybe, but not the fun. All the world's a stage.

I don't know how far you've gone into physical disease and pain as a manifestation of thoughts or emotions but women are designed so that this stuff comes up cyclically, they can either resist it and suffer or deal with it. We've been mostly taught to resist it, hide it, laugh it off, pass it off, medicate it. Also men have these emotional flare ups too. They are actually less predictable than ours. Which is what's really funny.

So maybe I should clarify my thoughts, in all seriousness, we hold ourselves away from our own inner guidance/love when we create authority figures. We love them. We hate them. We blame those authority figures. Maybe sometimes they deserve the blame within the story, sometimes not, but never, really. It all comes down to inner blame and inner shame. The authority figure is created to try to guide oneself away from blame and shame, but also perpetuates the belief in it. It's needed for a time, and then it's realized that one only creates blame and shame, authority and subject for themselves.

Of course you did. I know that you secretly want to burn the patriarchy with me though. Then we'll really laugh.

Sounds like you can't break up because what you really want to is to move past the guilt and shame in general. So you guilt and shame yourself for not being able to end it. You need a massive dose of self love. Take some time for yourself, by yourself, to contemplate, self care, pamper yourself. Bubbly bath, favorite movie, Ben and Jerry's, mediation, time in nature. Hugs.

There's a difference between making self deprecating jokes, or noting something you want to change about yourself and inner unexamined self deprecating feelings based on a complete misunderstanding of what one's self is. It's important to make that distinction. All hate or ill will towards others is really projected hate and ill will toward one's self. That's why it's so dangerous.

Yes. Depression is a call to go deeper. We tend to avoid depression so it bubbles up and overtakes us. This movement of trying to avoid negative feelings can actually strengthen at the start of consciousness work, and another possibility is that once you start to sit and feel, what you've been avoiding your entire life is now becoming available to be cleared out . If you take a time out and really feel into it when depression first starts to come up, sometimes certain realizations come in, new desires are uncovered, energy is released. The better we are at paying attention to how we feel the quicker we catch it before it gets too dramatic. Not that dramatic is bad. Not wanting negative emotional states is a movement of avoiding pain and seeking pleasure. We really do better to drop the labels of "negative" or "depression" in our own relationship with them (it's fine to use those labels in discussion or to yourself as long as it doesn't have a charge of unwanted behind it, it's the charge and meaning not the label itself) and welcome them.

There have been thunderstorms today and my emotions are all acting haywire too. Crying about how amazing people are, angry about other things and seeing the blame, etc. Listening to my books on tape I found in the free library box with my pink cassette player and thoroughly enjoying them. My first foray into the real healing aspects of spirituality. The variety of tapes in the box on healing and mind body connection is crazy. Started with Christiane Northrup, she is amazing. PMS is actually a naturally occurring psychedelic trip, I knew that, suspected it, needed an authority to tell me so. Purification, crying. So we make fun of it, belittle it and pretend to be above it. I didn't think much of it, but I went to get groceries this morning and had some old money complaining habits come in and then noticed the song playing. "You don't have to live like a refugee."

I sort of read the OP's post as being a more general questioning. Learning to compliment and interact with women and not act like a creep is a huge part of business, sales and career for men. If you want to be a teacher and teach women or sell cars to women, you have to learn to connect without accidentally crossing lines. Approaching a woman in a club or certain settings don't follow any of those rules and can be very counter-intuitive of course, but commenting on someone's instagram photo is a lazy sort of in between gray area.

Truth=Love. Every memory, every story, all history is perspective and created freshly new now. If there's a "true" way to remember the past it's in happy nostalgia, or at least understanding the perfection and inevitability of every moment. Also from a wise but somewhat unenlightened perspective, "Adventures are never fun while you're having them” -C. S. Lewis

DAMN! I never really watched this to the end. Daisies and a farm truck.

I think I've been doing the spiritual practice of ass backwards meditation my entire life. Can you meditate backwards? Well no. You can't.