mandyjw

Can't stop what you never started.

I sadly do not have time for journaling myself into rabbit holes today but am becoming aware that the things I've been doing lately have been all about self worth. In fact limitation consciousness (that isn't the right term) is weighing on me now, important orders need to be shipped, house needs to be cleaned, laundry started, kids dropped off, important meeting attended, and really the only part of work I'm excited about it photographing the purple caterpillar project I made yesterday. Who am I to sit and write my thoughts down? How frivolous. As frivolous as purple caterpillars. My joy and my entire livelihood is frivolous. I am frivolous. frivolous- diminutive of *frivos "broken, crumbled," from friare "break, rub away, crumble" Of course frivolity is an integral part of the whole. I've been buying a lot of clothes lately. A lot of my clothes were purchased 10 years ago. Buying clothes puts the fear of God in me. Last night I realized why. It basically hits all the lower chakra issues, (that red one). When I look nice, I often feel awful...ly self conscious. When you grow up in a rural poor area, people who look nice stand out and attract various and certain uncomfortable reactions. There are lots of safety reasons that as a woman you don't want to attract attention to yourself. That message is seriously anti-feminist but oh dear God, is it ever ingrained in my psyche. Money. If I spend money my kids could starve or something and if my kids starve and it's because of my frivolity, oh my God I'll never forgive myself. Basically I am not safe. I am not ok. After I purchase something I worry about it when i go to sleep or wake up in the night. Last night I dreamed that my uncle decided to sell the family property I'm hoping to buy from them to someone else without even telling us. Fear of being feminine, mostly in my experience women spend the most time, money and attention on their clothes and it's more safe for me to judge this as silly and stupid than to admit I really enjoy it too. But what a problem I've created for myself? My business, talents and passion is in what I judge the frivolous, the visual art. Do I judge my customers for valuing my own work enough to buy it? Yes. In fact I really do. You can imagine how that feels. How frivolous, how cutting of oneself off to do that, to not see the exchange as one celebration of beauty, art and exchange of energy and inspired joy. I bought this book, which is soooo crazily counter everything I've ever embraced and imagined myself to be. https://www.amazon.com/Your-Beauty-Mark-Ultimate-Eccentric/dp/0060722711/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=your+beauty+mark&qid=1598959022&sr=8-1 I'm learning oh so many things, some of them practical, some accidental or purposefully spiritual or existential connections. I've been avoiding self care of all kinds and forms, thinking I could bypass it. I have a plantar wart of my foot that has been hurting a lot lately, and I remembered when it first showed up. We had done the house renovation and mortgaged it again to do it. I had to finish all the painting myself and it was grueling, having a one year old, and living in the kitchen and dining room with the entire family for the whole winter. It was the time in my life that I was the least taken care of, the most stressed and yet, completely going for what I wanted. I realized that my biggest problem with my husband is that he doesn't pay attention to appearance or take good care of himself. Then I realized that I never tried to google or address the painful spot on my foot that formed at that time, likely from the over stress toxin load of painting. For 4 years I never bought anything, looked up anything or put anything on it to take care of it, I just suffered through the pain while running on it the whole time. Could life really be for joy, love, appreciation and creative expression? How frivolous.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. LOVE Tim Ferris.

@Stakres "Areas you want to work on", and your milestones sounds way too serious and heavy in my opinion. Lighten it up, make it fun with no end goal or objective. Start small, really small. Look up an old song you love but haven't heard in years, or an old web comic. Buy a treat at the grocery store you wouldn't think to buy for yourself. That sort of thing, get creative and got by the feeling of what really lights you up. What's crazy is watching how the way to the big stuff unravels and becomes clear from the smallest things. What matters is that you follow your heart and follow your bliss. Discounting the little stuff in life is a way we sneakily discount our very selves.

"You can talk!" She gives her voice away to get the man, but the man only loves her for her voice. siren (n.) mid-14c., "sea nymph who by her singing lures sailors to their destruction," from Old French sereine (12c., Modern French sirène) and directly from Latin Siren (Late Latin Sirena), from Greek Seiren ["Odyssey," xii.39 ff.], one of the Seirenes, mythical sisters who enticed sailors to their deaths with their songs, also in Greek "a deceitful woman," perhaps literally "binder, entangler," from seira "cord, rope." Meaning "device that makes a warning sound" (on an ambulance, etc.) first recorded 1879, in reference to steamboats, perhaps from similar use of the French word. Figurative sense of "one who sings sweetly and charms" is recorded from 1580s. The classical descriptions of them were mangled in medieval translations and glosses, resulting in odd notions of what they looked like.

seduce (v.) 1520s, "to persuade a vassal, etc., to desert his allegiance or service," from Latin seducere "lead away, lead astray," from se- "aside, away" (see secret (n.)) + ducere "to lead," from PIE root *deuk- "to lead." Sexual sense, now the prevailing one, is attested from 1550s and apparently was not in Latin.

How much thought have you given these things you want, are you sure that's what you really want? Could you write down some things you want, big things, small things and get some inspiration and direction there?

And there's my answer. Sorry potential journal readers, I won't tell you what the question was. This is my play, I'm always conscious of my audience and I like to break the third wall. However, a lady must always maintain an air of mystery. *snorts, laughing*

Oh... fuck. adorable "Tie a pink ribbon around your puppy's neck and push him around in a stroller, and you'll either get worried stares or compliments on how adorable he looks. Adorable means lovable, sweet, and childlike. The adjective adorable is mostly used to mean "cute," when someone is describing something sweet or charming, like a baby or a pretty dress. The origins of the word adorable are actually religious; it was first used only to mean "worthy of adoration." The Latin word adorare, "to ask in prayer," is the root of adore, which in the 14th century meant "to worship." It wasn't until the 1880s that adorable began to mean "delightful" rather than "worthy of worshiping." https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/adorable

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christopher_Thomas_Knight "Knight was largely reluctant to express any inkling of motives or insights gained through his experience, but he did offer that "solitude bestows an increase in something valuable ... my perception. But ... when I applied my increased perception to myself, I lost my identity. There was no audience, no one to perform for ... To put it romantically, I was completely free." Finkel compared this observation to similar statements by Ralph Waldo Emerson, Charles de Foucauld, and Thomas Merton.[8]" If there's no one to perform for... Side note. I really want to go to a Ball someday, a for real Masquerade. Like all Victorian era gowns, ball room and everything. But if there's no one to perform for, there's no one to perform for. I made that dramatic quick. Did I? Oh but the characters, real, fictional, and no difference between... it's so seductive. artifice noun ar·ti·fice | \ ˈär-tə-fəs \ 1a: clever or artful skill : INGENUITY… believing that characters had to be created from within rather than with artifice.— Garson Kanin b: an ingenious device or expedient 2a: an artful stratagem : TRICK… revising the state's constitution through a series of legal stratagems and artifices …— W. Haywood Burns b: false or insincere behavior social artifice

Distancing our selves can be an attempt to better ourselves, to find our true path in clarity OR to identify. It's important to look closely at your heart and thoughts to know which is which. Ever write something for the benefit of someone else and then realize "oh... fuck... that was for me.) Seems to happen to me on this forum all the time.

The belief that you are susceptible to being dragged down in a level of consciousness of the others, or susceptible to being wrapped up in their stories, is a misunderstanding. Sometimes time alone shows this belief to be false, sometimes spending time with people does. Usually it's a mix between the two and the honest intent to love fully. Metaphysically, a drug dealer is more conscious than my dog, but my dog makes me feel much more conscious. Is that the blame of metaphysics or my own judgmental thoughts and beliefs? We tend to be most triggered by people who are closest to us in terms of development. Someone who is the first generation to pull themselves out of welfare and go get a great job is triggered by their family and more likely to strongly embrace conservative political views, etc. Distancing our selves can be an attempt to better ourselves, to find our true path in clarity OR to identify. It's important to look closely at your heart and thoughts to know which is which.

@Aaron p Awesome, I've had the same experience with journaling and reading. Way more powerful than I ever gave them credit for in the past.

I told my high school English teacher in a journal that I realized that everyone is beautiful and he wrote "Yeah and everyone is ugly too". It kind of pissed me off, but I never forgot it either. "When the world knows beauty as beauty, ugliness arises When it knows good as good, evil arises Thus being and non-being produce each other "- Tao Te Ching

Like in what ways for example? I don't know, I think of being feminine as receptivity which when overly embraced means supporting, ignoring, condoning and accepting abuse. Emotion certainly is a power, "hell hath no fury". That saying might come because women often repress and try to smile and act accepting so often until they finally can't and then it all comes out. Maybe you just notice seeing that power wielded for not so pure reasons. Everyone has emotions though, I think it's a mistake to equate them with being inherently feminine or masculine. It's just a bit more common for a woman's strength to be there. My parents for example are switched from the norms, my Mom has the intellectual strength, Dad has the emotional intelligence and emotional intelligence can certainly be used in a dominating way. I think you'll find most of your toxic masculinity examples are run on strong emotions and not much intellect. I don't know, but to me it seems that the masculine/feminine, emotional/intellectual differences really start to break apart the more I think about them.

Mostly agree, I wouldn't say it's aggression against yourself, at least that's not conscious. It mostly seeks/attracts an external perpetrator to act out that aggressive role. "Toxic" (or misunderstood) femininity or masculinity are about identification, one cannot strongly identify with something without having a strong opposite or antagonist.

Yep. Also maybe toxic masculinity and toxic femininity are codependent. Not really sure there is such a thing as toxic masculinity or femininity though, "misunderstood" might be a better word choice.

Not trusting in one's own intuition and wisdom, lack of self worth and trust in one's self, indecisive, always defers to others and always follows cultural, familial norms, victim mentality.

@zeroISinfinity Already love you more than you know.

Some deeply culturally influenced judgements on only certain people being worthy of having a good sex life,( IE love), coming out here. You are worthy of love. Regardless.

I used to have an eagle on my house, and in my minimalist, fuck patriotism and fuck you America stage (green?) I took it off. I really thought I had donated it and as eagles became more and more special to me hated myself for doing that. A week ago I was trying to find something in a huge pile in the garage when I had my dad over fixing something and pulled out the eagle. I was so thrilled, I went out to show it to my dad and a huge hawk flew overhead. Yesterday I went for a run in the rain and we (dog and I) saw a hawk. I rarely see them in the woods. I took my kids to the beach the other day and we walked and explored further than we ever have. I started having this inexplicable good/scary feeling and we went out to this point, ledge outcropping where a bald eagle flew off and there was this fallen down shack someone had built long ago. I don't know why I'm writing about birds. Yesterday I had a sort of realization, I suppose. It's an explanation in the story, but I find explanations in stories to be very helpful of letting go of animosity toward oneself and others. I found the transition to motherhood shocking, especially at 24. I was already working a LOT and not taking care of myself. Joltingly, when he was born I realized how I didn't even have proper time to eat or go to the bathroom anymore. Then he started showing symptoms of autism and then I realized my friends and social life were incompatible with me being a mother. I had no friends and family members who were also Moms, and didn't know how to meet any. I tried to pretend that I could do everything my childless friends did. Work harder was my solution to everything. At the same time my best friend in the word started becoming friends with this childless couple who it seemed to me, indulged every single whim and fantasy, spare no expense, I discovered Eckhart Tolle. Depression and anger were felt and dealt with like I'd never know I'd had a window of opportunity to do before. It was also a huge lessen in mimicking spiritual teachers and repression. I fell on my ass quite a lot with presence. But still, colors got brighter. The world got more beautiful. Also if I didn't have time for my self, no problem. I would psychologically kill my self. Seemed like the obvious answer, I never liked myself anyway. I had wanted to kill myself before, but I knew that was just a selfish desire. Now I had a way of killing myself without actually killing myself. I could still fulfill everyone's wants and expectations and my duties, but I wouldn't have to be there to suffer through it. Self care? You mean ego care? My son was diagnosed with autism. Up until that point I didn't know if i could handle another, now it seemed obvious, I knew he needed a sibling. This time I listened to my body, I intended to conceive a girl, I knew she was a girl. The pregnancy and complete loss of my social life gave me the opportunity to go inward like never before. The nurse who was there during her delivery's name was Karma. Diagnosis aside my kids were more perfect than I imagined, everything I dreamed. Except I never imagined it would have been this hard. Having two, one developmentally delayed was incredibly difficult. It literally felt like being in prison and the only way out was to question my thoughts about it. On top of that we were mid-house renovation. Working harder and penny pinching were my go tos to make myself feel better. I painted the whole thing myself, and almost everything got painted pure, bright, white. Also the messy house infuriated me, so I would get rid of everything superfluous and be minimalist. Suddenly, everything seems so easy. I feel almost stunned, shocked, living in a mostly empty white house. It's still hard sometimes, but my youngest is 4.5. I have this beautiful old trunk I had to hide in the closet because it's not toddler safe. I explained the dangers to my daughter and now it's finally out where I can see it. Yesterday I was lamenting a stain on my kitchen cabinets and she asked for something to clean then proceeded to clean all the spots off the cabinets and appliances, happier than ever. They are finally at the age where I can teach them good habits and share the things I love with them. It feels like a storm has lifted and the sun has come out again. I'm free to dream, create, indulge, decorate, take care of myself. And for some reason, I still feel a little bit guilty for feeling that way.

It helps to ask the question, why do I really want to be authentic, or, why do I want to see myself as authentic? Why do I want others to be authentic, how do i feel around them? At its core it's about wanting to feel accepted, loved and ok. Then we go straight for examining that feeling rather than trying to judge ourselves and others based on our standard of authenticity, which is based on ideas of good and bad.

I need to order business cards and I want a new design but have no idea what that is. So I've been procrastinating. Usually I'd go through my photos to find something I like enough to put on there, but what if I instead think about what I want to be put on there as an idea for something I've yet to make? A few years ago I listened to Leo's Life is a Dream episode and really resonated with it. I started making this design with white rabbits. One was a white rabbit in a row boat, on a dreamlike stream with white flowers and a white swan. No one wanted to buy it, and I loved it so much I eventually took it down for sale and kept it. This either or, of making art and making what sells is something I'd like to transcend/heal. ETA, I think recognizing that it's already healed is the "way"

https://www.herbalremediesadvice.org/self-heal-herb.html https://altnature.com/gallery/eveningprimrose.htm Absolutely crazy how medicinal and edible and healing the weeds growing around us that we over look are. I just made evening primrose tea.