mandyjw

Like in what ways for example? I don't know, I think of being feminine as receptivity which when overly embraced means supporting, ignoring, condoning and accepting abuse. Emotion certainly is a power, "hell hath no fury". That saying might come because women often repress and try to smile and act accepting so often until they finally can't and then it all comes out. Maybe you just notice seeing that power wielded for not so pure reasons. Everyone has emotions though, I think it's a mistake to equate them with being inherently feminine or masculine. It's just a bit more common for a woman's strength to be there. My parents for example are switched from the norms, my Mom has the intellectual strength, Dad has the emotional intelligence and emotional intelligence can certainly be used in a dominating way. I think you'll find most of your toxic masculinity examples are run on strong emotions and not much intellect. I don't know, but to me it seems that the masculine/feminine, emotional/intellectual differences really start to break apart the more I think about them.

Mostly agree, I wouldn't say it's aggression against yourself, at least that's not conscious. It mostly seeks/attracts an external perpetrator to act out that aggressive role. "Toxic" (or misunderstood) femininity or masculinity are about identification, one cannot strongly identify with something without having a strong opposite or antagonist.

Yep. Also maybe toxic masculinity and toxic femininity are codependent. Not really sure there is such a thing as toxic masculinity or femininity though, "misunderstood" might be a better word choice.

Not trusting in one's own intuition and wisdom, lack of self worth and trust in one's self, indecisive, always defers to others and always follows cultural, familial norms, victim mentality.

@zeroISinfinity Already love you more than you know.

Some deeply culturally influenced judgements on only certain people being worthy of having a good sex life,( IE love), coming out here. You are worthy of love. Regardless.

I used to have an eagle on my house, and in my minimalist, fuck patriotism and fuck you America stage (green?) I took it off. I really thought I had donated it and as eagles became more and more special to me hated myself for doing that. A week ago I was trying to find something in a huge pile in the garage when I had my dad over fixing something and pulled out the eagle. I was so thrilled, I went out to show it to my dad and a huge hawk flew overhead. Yesterday I went for a run in the rain and we (dog and I) saw a hawk. I rarely see them in the woods. I took my kids to the beach the other day and we walked and explored further than we ever have. I started having this inexplicable good/scary feeling and we went out to this point, ledge outcropping where a bald eagle flew off and there was this fallen down shack someone had built long ago. I don't know why I'm writing about birds. Yesterday I had a sort of realization, I suppose. It's an explanation in the story, but I find explanations in stories to be very helpful of letting go of animosity toward oneself and others. I found the transition to motherhood shocking, especially at 24. I was already working a LOT and not taking care of myself. Joltingly, when he was born I realized how I didn't even have proper time to eat or go to the bathroom anymore. Then he started showing symptoms of autism and then I realized my friends and social life were incompatible with me being a mother. I had no friends and family members who were also Moms, and didn't know how to meet any. I tried to pretend that I could do everything my childless friends did. Work harder was my solution to everything. At the same time my best friend in the word started becoming friends with this childless couple who it seemed to me, indulged every single whim and fantasy, spare no expense, I discovered Eckhart Tolle. Depression and anger were felt and dealt with like I'd never know I'd had a window of opportunity to do before. It was also a huge lessen in mimicking spiritual teachers and repression. I fell on my ass quite a lot with presence. But still, colors got brighter. The world got more beautiful. Also if I didn't have time for my self, no problem. I would psychologically kill my self. Seemed like the obvious answer, I never liked myself anyway. I had wanted to kill myself before, but I knew that was just a selfish desire. Now I had a way of killing myself without actually killing myself. I could still fulfill everyone's wants and expectations and my duties, but I wouldn't have to be there to suffer through it. Self care? You mean ego care? My son was diagnosed with autism. Up until that point I didn't know if i could handle another, now it seemed obvious, I knew he needed a sibling. This time I listened to my body, I intended to conceive a girl, I knew she was a girl. The pregnancy and complete loss of my social life gave me the opportunity to go inward like never before. The nurse who was there during her delivery's name was Karma. Diagnosis aside my kids were more perfect than I imagined, everything I dreamed. Except I never imagined it would have been this hard. Having two, one developmentally delayed was incredibly difficult. It literally felt like being in prison and the only way out was to question my thoughts about it. On top of that we were mid-house renovation. Working harder and penny pinching were my go tos to make myself feel better. I painted the whole thing myself, and almost everything got painted pure, bright, white. Also the messy house infuriated me, so I would get rid of everything superfluous and be minimalist. Suddenly, everything seems so easy. I feel almost stunned, shocked, living in a mostly empty white house. It's still hard sometimes, but my youngest is 4.5. I have this beautiful old trunk I had to hide in the closet because it's not toddler safe. I explained the dangers to my daughter and now it's finally out where I can see it. Yesterday I was lamenting a stain on my kitchen cabinets and she asked for something to clean then proceeded to clean all the spots off the cabinets and appliances, happier than ever. They are finally at the age where I can teach them good habits and share the things I love with them. It feels like a storm has lifted and the sun has come out again. I'm free to dream, create, indulge, decorate, take care of myself. And for some reason, I still feel a little bit guilty for feeling that way.

It helps to ask the question, why do I really want to be authentic, or, why do I want to see myself as authentic? Why do I want others to be authentic, how do i feel around them? At its core it's about wanting to feel accepted, loved and ok. Then we go straight for examining that feeling rather than trying to judge ourselves and others based on our standard of authenticity, which is based on ideas of good and bad.

I need to order business cards and I want a new design but have no idea what that is. So I've been procrastinating. Usually I'd go through my photos to find something I like enough to put on there, but what if I instead think about what I want to be put on there as an idea for something I've yet to make? A few years ago I listened to Leo's Life is a Dream episode and really resonated with it. I started making this design with white rabbits. One was a white rabbit in a row boat, on a dreamlike stream with white flowers and a white swan. No one wanted to buy it, and I loved it so much I eventually took it down for sale and kept it. This either or, of making art and making what sells is something I'd like to transcend/heal. ETA, I think recognizing that it's already healed is the "way"

https://www.herbalremediesadvice.org/self-heal-herb.html https://altnature.com/gallery/eveningprimrose.htm Absolutely crazy how medicinal and edible and healing the weeds growing around us that we over look are. I just made evening primrose tea.

Boys be mansplaining in my PMS journal now. No offense, I mandysplain a lot too. So last night I dreamed that I was with two other women and my dream character wasn't really a solid "me" no connection to my actual life story. As far as I can understand about the setting we had just come out of this really long tunnel or mine system that went deep into the earth (recurring dream theme for me) and there was this other woman who we were absolutely terrified of. She was dark, primal sort of the mix between woman and animal, like a bear and I remember associating her with dark and black. And we were going back through that tunnel but knew there was a very good possibility that she never left and was waiting to attack us there in the dark, who knows when. Then the dream shifted more to my real life except the setting was wildly different. I met the teacher who would teach my son after disapproving of another and she was sweet so I felt good about her. Then when I woke up and raked through the dreams, I realized that I judge women much more harshly than I do men. Probably because I judge myself harshly so I judge them more harshly. Lots of crying emotional release during meditation, in which saw so many ways I try to judge myself during meditation. I "heard" this incredibly subtle message, "You don't have to be anything". I've used male/female differences as a framework to judge myself.

I like the words sincere or earnest. Slightly different connotations make a world of difference in avoiding misconceptions I think.

They are also just story characters in a collective impersonal mind. I only want to be as conscious as Voldemort was. You'll never find my horcruxes.

The title of this journal is "just Imagine"' for a reason. I've imagined profound connections with clairvoyant doctors, Leo, Jesus and Harry Potter. Other people including myself at times find profound truths in astrology, chakras or spiral dynamics. Truth is a tricky bitch, always in flux it seems and only personal to us. But then we look back at the person it's personal to, and that's not even true either. Fall in love with it and then unmask it.

Are boys fighting each other in my PMS journal? Enlightenment isn't what I thought.

Grrr....

Colors are an infinite wheel and people perceive them differently. Also no one can agree on a wheel that actually represents them or what the primary colors are which if you get into art becomes apparent when you start mixing colors. Very cool video on color theory,

Well scorpions are fucking badass, try being represented by scales. No wonder I think astrology is bullshit. Was born on a full moon though, that's badass, so I'll take credit for that part.

@arlin Confidence and your own self image profoundly affects other's perception of you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. This isn't just cliche is psychology. If a girl says you're too ugly to sleep with it's because she's so insecure about her own looks, she thinks she can get the confidence and self love she wants by sleeping with someone who is very confident in how they look. Everyone has great features. Focus on them in yourself and others and forget the rest until you love yourself, everything else will profoundly change or stop mattering. It sounds too good to be true but if you're sincere in doing it, it really does work.

Yep! I'm libra, and balance is just some sort of bullshit idea that doesn't exist.

@zeroISinfinity I actually have no idea what it means. I'm just playing too.

@zeroISinfinity Dude, yesterday you asked Nahm to confirm the "truth" of what I said in a comment. He just pretends to be a wise old lady. Come on, burn the patriarchy. No one knows what they're talking about around here. Some more profoundly than others, sure, but still.

@zeroISinfinity So I take it you'll help me burn the patriarchy? Insights for the morning, Everywhere there is great power is something we think we should be ashamed of or afraid of. Vulnerability and beauty are inherently linked, perhaps even equivalent.

Substance is the wiser thing to seek and put more weight on, but it is also not wise to ever completely let go of style. The expectation of it maybe, but not the fun. All the world's a stage.

I don't know how far you've gone into physical disease and pain as a manifestation of thoughts or emotions but women are designed so that this stuff comes up cyclically, they can either resist it and suffer or deal with it. We've been mostly taught to resist it, hide it, laugh it off, pass it off, medicate it. Also men have these emotional flare ups too. They are actually less predictable than ours. Which is what's really funny.