Oppositionless

Happiness: finding meaning in life, living virtuously. personality : INFP , level of ambition: 10/10 – between my two primary hobbies, programming and music production I spend around 40 hours a week working. Programming is partially motivated by school work but I still manage side projects. in addition to working 15 hours at a part time restaruant job. Music is entirely self motiavated. I’d love to make a side income posting music online, but so far my perfectionism has prevented me from actually releasing anything. In high school I ran cross country and wrestled, I picked those sports because they were the two most physically demanding ones my school offered. I walked the halls feeling like the ultimate badass who did what 99.9% couldn’t. Health: mental health has always been my biggest struggle . I frankly don’t know what it’s like to be just “fine” for an extended period of time. I don’t know what it’s like to not suffer from depression and insomnia. But I have a feeling I’m gonna have my sleep figured out soon. and once I have that, I’ll be the closest to happiness I’ve ever been. low consciousness values: being stoned, dating someone that will impress others. I’m extremely insecure and want someone to validate me. high consciousness values: computer programming, playing music, loving relationships and friendships, family, spirituality, creativity. desires : deep friendship desire for solitude: I’m an introvert so I love and need a lot of alone time, but I also suffer from severe loneliness in relation to my depression so living without a partner and or roomate would be hell. I still live with my parents, not related to money but mental health. spirituality: always has been important me. I began identifying as a pantheist when I was around 8 years old. creativity: I have a bunch of different outlets including philosophy, creative writing, posting online, producing music and playing instruments, drawing, and I’ve dabbled in theatre / acting.

virtue is hot, like really hot. virtue makes pickup easy. purity of intent is everything. the sickness makes you needy, angry manipulative and empty. self love is the antidote to evil.

reality is a consciousness computer

it only addresses the existential pit of despair , none of the other stuff I’m very thankful to have suffered multitudes of mental cataclysms in my life that made me take ownership of my healing process. having a spiritual understanding kept me alive in my darkest moments.

of course reincarnation is real. it’s just that all incarnations happen now. general relativity, the past and future are directly present. Ian Stevenson was the OG reincarnation researcher who interviewed thousands of children who knew super specific details from their previous incarnations’ lives

sounds lovely, so different from the mind-fucking that a high dose of mushrooms provides.

@OBEler @Recursoinominado I honestly think that you can trip harder if you have trip killers. the molecule knows you have it and will take you deeper because of that.

I’m working hard on my self esteem. committing to listening to at least one hypnosis in the vein of feeling more attractive to women every day. when I get in a relationship, I’ll be able to show up 100%. I won’t screw anything up through insecurity. if I have a daughter, I’ll ask my wife if I can name her Avalyn. Such a beautiful name.

food for thought

not sleeping will make insanity happen fast. at first it was great because it made it so easy to just knock out. but then, it started only allowing me to sleep for 5-6 hours a night. and that, that was hell. that made me develop so many problems.

I feel a lot less crazy. I think the mushroom trip was meant to show me the outcome of the path I was going down taking seroquel to sleep every night. even if I struggle with insomnia the rest of my life, it will be better than being dependent on a drug to sleep that becomes less and less effective ultimately leading me to get less and less and less sleep until I lose my fucking mind. the day of the trip , before the trip even, I was having insane thoughts. I was tripping hard before actually tripping. I was in such a bad place. now I feel a little better. a lot better actually, but still not great.

Thank God I got some decent sleep last night. I'm having an existential crisis because my dog is 14. I need some magic. I need something to override my angst. I feel a little silly for doing this, but I signed up for a "spoon bending" class from the Monroe institute. maybe if I have a spoon I used my mind to bend, a kind of sacred object, I can look at it whenever I'm upset and remember the magic at the heart of creation. or maybe nothing will happen and I'll just feel like a fool who threw away a couple hundred dollars, still having a crisis. I'm anticipating the first thing though.

this is how the magic is done. by hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering a feather bed. - terence mckenna in an absolute sense. of course. all day today felt like sheer hell but all of a sudden I can't stop laughing I've been wasting so much time looking up local psychics, not hate on them but how many psychics are awake? well, I already fucking know a psychic who's awake. it's so funny I can't stop fucking laughing. she's my teacher of sorts. anyway.

after a month of seroquel and 5 hour sleep I am in a shaky mind state. I feel unhinged, profoundly depressed and self-loathing. I have to suffer through a few sleepless nights to get out of this. sleep aid, trip killer wonder drug. stretches me like a rubber band and snaps me in half. There's a devil on my back, there's a devil in my chest,

demonic isn't the right word.. it wasn't evil. but it was completely overwhelming and terrifying, like the cosmic horror novels of Lovecraft. A good analogy would be to say that I became Cthulu, if Cthulu was made out of hyperspatial non-euclidian geometry.

insights using a vape cart to prolong the trip with continuous drags is great. stop comparing yourself to others drop spiritual ego let go and relax it’s okay don’t judge the past that includes the past as in history but also your own past mistakes, failures, screw ups and lapses of judgement everything happens for a reaaon

Last night's mushroom trip was one of the worst / most important experiences of my life. It's hard to explain what I experienced in words, but I'm going to try. First off, I want to say that I approached this trip with a naive, arrogant attitude. I remember reading Leo's blog post, with the person saying he understood psychedelics because he'd taken two grams of mushrooms, and DMT / salvia are standing behind him all menacingly. I thought to myself, well I've done dmt so a high dose of mushrooms should be cake, I just wanna have a fun trip. So I made tea with about 6 grams of some very potent mushrooms. Holy shit, holy shit, holy fucking shit. The first half of the trip is what I would call "descent into madness." It felt like I was filled with all the evil and darkness in the world. I became a demon, I lost my humanity. I saw my inner psychotic. I thought I'd lost my mind, or rather I thought that I had always been insane, and that I was supposed to live away from society because there would simply be no chance of functioning in the real world. The second half of the trip is where things get interesting. I'm going to call this death / alien consciousness. I experienced a type of ego dissolution so powerful that I struggled to tell if I was still alive. I understood what Leo means by experiencing physical death on psychedelics. I thought about how my parents would go on without me. I wanted to send them a sign that I was still alive, in this other dimension. I understood what Leo means by alien consciousness, but it was a different flavor, not a blissful alien consciousness but a demonic alien consciousness. The tiny iota of human identity left in me could do nothing but repeat, like a mantra, "when I get back I'm going to have such a wild story to tell." It's frustrating because it's only been a eight hours since my trip and I still feel like I can only communicate 1% of what I experienced. I remember being terrified of falling asleep, because I thought if I went to sleep I would permanently cease to exist. Several minutes felt like hours, during physical death / alien consciousness time pretty much came to a standstill. lessons: DON'T UNDERESTIMATE MUSHROOMS. mushrooms are definitely a trickster spirit that will absolutely fuck you if you don't respect them. my dmt trips didn't take me even 10% as deep down the rabbit hole as this high dose mushroom trip. and the fact that it lasted for hours rather than minutes, holy shit. alien consciousness is real. you can experience what it's like to be an infinite hyper-dimensional living geometric machine. physical death is different from mere "ego death." I've experienced ego death numerous times. ego death on ketamine is fucking blissful. ego death on low doses of dmt is disorienting but in a few minutes it's over. this was different. this was the real deal. death death. it was terrifying, but also liberating. the line between sanity and insanity is thin. take care of yourself. that's all for now, if I have some more insights and more details to share I will. I don't see myself ever taking mushrooms again. lmao. but I couldn't have asked for a "better" final trip with them.

Jorge Luis Borges (“The Aleph”) was a South American short story author who helped to pioneer the “magical realism” genre. mystical phenomena would appear in mundane contexts. but he wasn’t just a writer , he was also a philosopher. and the magical realism featured in his novels was representative of the magical realism found in this world. https://medium.com/literary-impulse/the-circular-ruins-eea1bb0e3adc I’ve often wondered whether, when thinking about someone I am having a conversation and whether when I dream of someone I really am seeing them .

subjective idealism and direct realism are identical philosophical positions, and the position of every single consciousness on earth excluding human beings how obvious it would be if you were a cat

I would say death is an illusion but that's something for you to become conscious of. ironically, you won't realize it without facing your fear of death. make the most of this one life as if it was the only one you had and face your fears using psychedelics.

meditation is cool but contemplation is cooler.

I wanna make music that awakens everyone who listens to it, like Shpongle. imagine hearing that outro sampled in a pop song. so many third eyes would open.

no shame in using guided meditations for awile friend. I reccomend the gateway experience. you’ll learn a bunch of hypnotic suggestions for instantly going into a deep meditative state.

there’s a whole category of Youtube videos attempting to simulate the visual effects of various substances, take a look: LSD Mushrooms DMT Datura/DPH (deliriants, this video is as close as I ever intend to get to experiencing)

Armchair skeptic : it [any random sober spiritual experience] is just a DMT trip. the DMT trip :