Realms of Wonder

Day one actually living through the decision to treat my body well. 'Twas a long day at work, stressful, and instead of using the GF cake, or eating some coconut whip, or snacking on fries to cope, I just focused on the work, and allowed myself to feel how I was feeling. A successful day.

Applied to East West College of healing arts.

This is just the beginning, saying all this means little, the follow through, the struggle, the eventual success, is where this journal will focus on. Plus any more decisions made along the way.

Second Decision. To take good care of my body Via Nutrition and food. I have been letting my nutrition, what I have been putting i my body, and my standards around food, slide, a LOT over the last few months. to the point where at work, I will be snacking on anything Gluten free and dairy free, Vegan ice-cream, GF cake, French fries, Fried fritters, Almonds, salami, pepperoni, and so on. I feel it, my body heavy, the nausea, the lack of energy, the crashes, the lack of alignment with my Values. So last night, as I lay there, wallowing in the consequences of my unconscious food decisions. I choose. I will take goo care of my body. What does that mean? No more snacking. (unless I bring them from home) No more added sugars. Continue being gluten free and dairy free. As I lay there, and this morning on my walking, thinking and reflecting on how this decision aligns with my values. It aligns with every singe one in one way or another. I have been betraying myself, my values, and my Vision for my life by putting this in my body. There's nothing wrong with me, I still love myself, just realizing what I am doing has been sobering. The cost. The pleasure of sugar, snacking, eating. To face the underling stress and emotional turmoil causing me to look to food to numb it. the work to prep more food, and be more conscious of what I put in my body. To say no when my mind tries to convince me "Just this once." To say no to others when they offer it.

So Many: (New Rough Finished Song) https://drive.google.com/file/d/19fzXZYN40-npIOR0gMyLnrGnjY4RSww_/view?usp=sharing Verse 1 So many days Feeling uncertain So many years unanswered questions So many tears As I learn feel again Even more fears As I look within Chorus 1 How do I face every fear So I can love more than my self Something has pulled me to here To surrender to knowing myself Verse 2 So many times I had the answer Only to find More levels to life So many lies keep me from being Even more truth That I ran from in fear Chorus 2 X3 How do I face every fear So I can love more than my self Something has pulled me to here To surrender to knowing myself

Thanks for the suggestion

Thank you! @puporing Those are some really inspiring methods, seems that going through the grieving process, going meta wit it, and deeper awakenings call to me the most. I Love That visualization from the LPC, that was the first stage of realizing how deep/much trauma is in this mind. Thank you for sharing that video as well!

A Path With Heart: (New Rough finished Song) https://drive.google.com/file/d/1kI50zHxqFT82JgkhUkWJPY4FN4PJC6HO/view?usp=sharing Verse 1 The Good life is a few High quality choices away I feel so much uncertainty As I choose to make my own way I doubt myself in all the things I choose Cuz what if it is just the wrong path for me Even if it means that means that I gotta lose As I learn to see what life can really be Chorus 1 I choose The path that will grow me The one that I am afraid of I choose the way that will show me The path with heart Verse 2 What keeps me from making choices to grow my whole life Sometimes its fear that this choice is wrong maybe I'm scared of how it will change my mind I see the best choices that I've ever made So grateful that I had to courage to choose Also I see the times I chose to fear And took that path of least resistance until I saw Chorus 2 I choose The path that will grow me The one that I am afraid of I choose the way that will show me The path with heart

Another dream, another insight. I am on a motorcycle, driving through a rainy, dystopian future, I drive and drive, its dark, there is an evil vibe, seeing slave labor, a hopeless future. I arrive at a stop sign, there is a thin green "parking" lane in the middle of the road, its curved and I align my bike with it, and wait. I become aware that there are cameras watching me. Suddenly the floor drops away and I find myself falling, falling deep into the earth. When I come too, I am tired, bruised, and know what to do, I have been here before. I look around and find a change of clothes, I walk out from where I fell, grabbing my water bottle (haha, even in my dreams I need water) and walk out, fining myself in a hallway, I look left, there is a low (3 foot tall by 8 feet wide) hole/doorway, I go through it and find myself in a shrine. A story is told through painting, it feels off, something feels wrong, doom, permeating the air, it’s a hate shrine to mom. I remember, a family enemy runs this world, I am here to defeat her. I walk out, down the stairs into a large room where I meet her face to face, she is smiles, but there is danger in the air, I start to feel sick, hungry, and she offers food. I take it, and as I am playing a game with my food, growing corn, eating it, I sense a dark presence approaching, it’s a demonic dog figure, twice as large as I am, white gleaming teeth, red eyes, I don’t look at it, even as it comes and sniffs me for fear. In my mind as I graze on the food, I think " don’t be scared" as I feel the breath, and then I remember that wont help, instead I say "surrender to the fear, breathe." and I do, I continue to eat, gaining strength, until I look up, it’s a huge, black dog, cruel teeth, and it shriek's at me "WHHHYYYY MEEEEEEEE!!!" in a croaking high-pitched shrill, it charges, and I catch it by its mouth, I know what to do, I have been here before. In the dream when I reached out to grab its mouth, I did the same in real life, the movement woke me up. The insight is to surrender to fear, instead of resisting it, instead of fighting it, instead of trying not to feel it, feel it deeper, walk right through it, grab that demonic dog by the mouth LOL

Why do you LOVE songwriting? IF you continued on, created a successful career as an independent music artist, who would you be able to inspire with your story of all you overcame?

There is a lot to this life, being on the brink of a new chapter leads me to wonder.... How far does it really go?

Done it, very difficult, was 5 days.

Definitely an area I still work on. Why is it so important for you to be able to connect with people better? My biggest tip is to ask better questions (ones that they want to answer, and lead them to think/introspect a little) and LISTEN.

What does it mean?

Thank you for sharing that perspective! I really love that you are willing to explain more of the nuances here. Valuable insight.

Every little moment has lead here Every single tear drop mattered Let this love flow through me, into you As we face every fear till it is shattered

Highly dependent on what you enjoy doing, and what your focuses are in life. some good starting activities you already mentioned, I would add.. Movement: Yoga, Stretching, even letting your body move how it wants, can be very pleasurable. try new meditation techniques, or breathing techniques, from others or explore your self. Try breathing in new ways, watching it, holding your breath, long breaths, short breaths, anything. Sit, meditate. SURRENDER. Desire to make the most out of it. Put your phone away, somewhere like a bathroom/kitchen door. Have a deep enough understanding of the specific psychedelic you are taking to know when to start, I have definitely taken acid at 6:00 P.M.... that was a long night Take notes as much as you can, but let go of it when it becomes a distraction. Here is my pre-trip ritual, take what works for you, try it out. Clean entire apartment Put away clean dishes Load dishwasher Clean countertops Prep apples, fruit, light snacks. Laundry Sweep floor Clean couch Clean desk Fill essential oil container Incense Fill water bottle. Meditate. Listen to myself. How are you feeling, Paul? Choose reason why. Why am I tripping? TRIP! How much of X will I be taking? What time? Have I taken care of all the responsibilities I know of? Last tip, surrender, let it happen. No clue.

That's a good point, my mind makes the objection though "I dont want it to be all about me, I Want it to be about her and I independently growing, then coming together to share something special." That is a good point a bout feeling like I need to go above an beyond, would you advise giving more attention to my own life, what I am creating, my purpose and passions? That's exactly how it feels hahaha, thank you for your reply

My question is, how do I maintain and increase attraction over long distance? Met this girl at summer camp last year, I could tell that she was really attracted to me, I wasn't looking for a relationship at the time so we became friends, 2 months in I chose to engage, we quickly connected deeper, on many levels, emotionally, physically, and musically, I lead the interactions, set dates, and successfully led it to making love many times, even met up in NYC after camp to see each other. Fast forward a year, we have stayed in contact, she is back at the camp, while I continue to build my Life purpose. I have noticed needy thoughts and attachment growing on my end, she has said she loves me multiple times, loves talking to me, and I with her, we facetime once a week, 30-60 minutes, it flies by, I ask questions that lead her to introspect and think about her life and her relationship with herself, and she loves it. She is flying out to see me after Camp is done, and I am looking forward to being with her again, showing her my life, showing her Music, singing together, all the things. Here is what I have been doing Lead and inspire her, as an example of going after a life purpose, placing my Life purpose and Music as the highest priority. Being an example of Self-Love, growth, facing trauma, being authentic for myself. Encouragement as she grows. Giving resources to help her passions flourish, videos on Business, Authenticity, Self-Love, etc.. Wrote her a letter Undivided attention while facetiming/connection. Being emotionally open and honest, for example "I feel X and X when you do X." Honesty and truthfulness, expressing myself as honestly and authentically as I can. Leading her to laugh. A LOT, our conversations are 60-70% playful, silly, goofing off, she feels comfortable being herself. Leading, setting up definite facetime times. Not texting too often, being busy with my life, not playing games, just responding when I have time, mostly playful, flirty banter + Gifs. being curious about who she is, desiring to understand her Asking high quality questions listening, clarifying questions Is there anything I am missing, anything I could do to increase her attraction even more?

Love this perspective, its like the women, is a mirror for our inner world! Feeling needy, doubt and confusing, that is a reflection of myself, it has very little to do with her.

"Convince a man against his will, He's of the same opinion still" - Mary Wollstonecraft

Latest Version of OneNote: Uploaded to the cloud, and onto an external hard-drive. There are probably better ways to handle/process the information I have stored. Have not looked into alternatives yet.

Hey, sounds like it was extremely challenging, sorry you went though that. if you can stomach it, love and accept yourself through it, be with yourself, giving yourself attention and acceptance through the pain. I can imagine the feelings of regret, mixed with guilt, plus a whole spectrum of other feelings, I have been there. Even if it doesn't make sense do your best to love yourself right now. It may not lead to the feelings going away, but it may help you begin the healing process. Be strong, Stay true, Much Love

Love of Music means showing up. Being present with Music, here's a collaboration Music and I brought into being. Enjoy! Tears of Change: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1aiE_jXy0vnRTLh11JWgapljOrc6mk-O-/view?usp=sharing