Ninja_pig

I have this weird thing where I will spend hours back to back just looking at violent content on the internet. This will be things like car crashes, fights, animal cruelty, gory imagery, workplace accidents, injuries, and surgeries. I am really not sure why I have this craving to watch the content. I have spent hours on the internet basically looking for the most brutal videos I can find. It's like I'm looking for something to satisfy me. Usually the binges will only end when I find a video or picture so gruesome that I feel a twisting in my stomach, and then I'm satisfied I guess. The videos don't really make me feel good, it's more like they are filling a void. I will often be appalled at the cruelty that I witness, or feel sad at what I watch. Sad that there can be such brutality in the world. However, I am carried on by a burning curiosity. Something makes me what to watch more. The thing is I've never been a violent person. I have never gotten into a fight or hurt anyone, except a couple times by accident. I'm generally very respectful and empathetic. I almost never insult people verbally. I stand up and stick up for people when I see someone is getting hurt physically or verbally. I really don't like to see violence in my life. I thought about joining the military but decided against it because I don't want my career to be about killing people. I'm pretty sure I'm stage green. Sometimes I get angry and want to hurt people, but it has never resulted in me actually hurting someone. The emotion passes. I generally trust myself. I don't think I ever would choose to hurt a person or an animal unless in self defense or in defense of someone else. Even then I try to avoid violence because usually I can get out of a dangerous situation without employing it. When I was little I spent a lot of time burning insects with a magnifying glass. I liked watching them burn. I didn't like insects, but that's not why I burnt them. It was the same feeling of curiosity that drove me. Something about seeing them burn was just so mesmerizing. I would spend hours outside in my back yard just sitting there holding the magnifying glass over the ants. I would hold it on the for many minutes after they died until the thing couldn't be burnt anymore. I tell this to people and they say that it is strange. I'm 20 and I feel like I would still enjoy doing this. I don't anymore because I'm more conscious of destruction and violence, and that overrides my curiosity, but I mean the craving is still there. When I was little (11 or so) I sometimes would take my dog for a walk and be really rough with him on the leash for no reason. I'm really ashamed of this now and I have never told anyone about it. It felt like I was angry and I was taking it out on my dog. I don't know where the anger came from. I felt like I was showing my dog who's boss or something. I felt satisfying to show him that I could hurt him and he couldn't hurt me. I really wish I didn't do this. It was monstrous. I love my dog still to this day. I wouldn't wish any harm or pain on him. I wish I could tell him I'm sorry. I'm writing all this because I feel like it's connected to the above paragraphs. When I was little I also spent a lot of time pulling out eye lashes or other hairs one by one around my body. Again, It gave me the same feeling of satisfaction. I was just fascinated by seeing the hair come out, the small spike of pain, the little hair follicle left behind. I still do this today a little bit. I don't pull out eye lashes anymore, but I kind of enjoy plucking little hairs from my face that I may have missed while shaving. It's deeply satisfying to me to see the root of a hair that used to be planted deep in my skin. I love pulling out hairs especially that are very thick and dark. I looked this up and it's a thing called Trichotillomania apparently. I don't have it as bad as some people where I will get bald spots, but sometimes I indulge in plucking hairs to "clean up" my face or other parts of my body. Everything I mentioned above seems to be connected to or stem from the same place in my mind. I am wondering if this is a problem in me or if I should be concerned? What might be causing this behavior in me? If it's childhood trauma, how do I overcome it? Does anyone else have similar cravings? Why do I crave these things?

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLND1JCRq8Vuh3f0P5qjrSdb5eC1ZfZwWJ This is a lecture series by a psychologist at the University of Toronto. It beautifully combines historical and contemporary philosophy as well as psychology in order to explain and offer a solution for the problem of apparent meaninglessness to life that is becoming pervasive in the western world. If you are a fan of speakers like Shinzen Young or Leo, or just generally like to hear from stage yellow type people, you will love this content! It is exactly what philosophy and science are meant to be. I personally think that some of the ideas taught in these lectures will become an integral part of western thought in the near to medium future.

I'm done with being numb in my life. For a while I have been avoiding the current state of my life that I have created, mainly through porn and YouTube. I'm writing this because I decided to quit porn and YouTube just a week ago, and it's like I woke up from a coma. My emotional system was completely fucked up to the point where I did not even see many problems I have. I actually don't have that many friends. The ones I do have are kind of weird. They're not bad but they're kind of numb like me. I am functioning far below my capacity in school and in my work. I'm making almost no progress spiritually My body is becoming awkward to use and weirdly shaped form lack of exercise My sleep schedule is very screwed up I don't have a girlfriend even though I really want one I'm doing just enough to stay in the middle of the pack in general I'm not invested or interested in my life I'm not that hopeful for the future All this stuff is just becoming more and more clear to me the longer I abstain from distractions. I've decided that I like confronting the reality though, even though it isn't all that great. I will never go back to my ways of constantly flushing my brain with overstimulation and emotional overload in order to not feel anymore. I choose to feel pain over feeling nothing. If it leads to depression, so be it. I would rather live in hell than not live at all. If I end up with an incredible life, I'm going to feel as happy about it as I can. I will no longer be scared of big emotions. I will no longer run away. I will love life to the very end. It is better to be dead than half alive.

Okay I found this post on another forum. I am wondering if anyone knows what is going on here and why this person might be feeling these things? How can you practice meditation in a way that avoids some of these adverse effects? Meditation is advertised everywhere as this overly benefitial tool, which will increase your focus, reduce stress, improve memory, relieve feelings of depression and so on. Having issues with all these thingd (as does everyone to a degree) I decided to give meditation a shot. It was maybe a year ago when I downloaded my first meditation app, it was headspace. The app seemed promising and I did the introductory guided meditations. In the first couple sessions I could really see the benefits, my brain went from 30 to 60 FPS and my mind felt declutered. I felt present and in touch with reality in a really positive way. Due to curiousity and lack of discipline I dabbled in many apps. And this has led to my unfortunate discovery of Sam Harris's app Waking Up. At the time the app had an introductory course in which you would gradually learn new techniques each day. Things like different breathing patterns, focusing on body sensations, focusing on sounds and so on. While utilizing these techniques I started to develop some weird sensations. I could permanently feel the sensations of clothes on my body, I sometimes felt compusled to just swallow consciously. I started being involuntary focusing on actions that are performed automatically like walking, picking up items and so on. My movements started feeling unnatural. The worst thing that came out of it was when I got to the sections which make you contemplate on questions like, "who is the one who is thinking", "what is the source your consciousness" and so on. These questions have made me feel like my brain is melting or going to explode. If I got really focused on trying to understand those questions, my head would start to move involuntary. I started to get feelings of existential dread, I felt that nothing in existence has substance. I felt like everything is a made up construct and has no intrinsic meaning. I became a spectator of life and I was no longer living. It's been a while since then, but I am still struggling. When I am in the moment having fun I will feel completely normal. But when there is nothing to distract my mind I return to my new baseline of feeling like an empty fucking shell. There are definitely other factors which could have influenced my state, but I still belive that meditation had significant impact. All in all I am convinced of the power of meditation and I hold no negative bias. However, I believe a lot of people who are teaching meditation don't really understand all depth, nuance and implications of this practice. I think it should be approached with more care rather than being advertised as this risk free cure-all blanket solution.

Enlightening post. This isn't talked about a lot on this forum. Many people here seem introverted. Solitude is important for being able to calm your mind, but you can't understand everything by yourself.

No. The thought sickens me. I don't think I would get any satisfaction from hurting anyone. I don't really like seeing people get hurt in real life. Only when I'm online and separated from the violence. Also don't like it if it's livestreamed or something. That's too much for me. Only when it was previously recorded and already happened.

This is model is good, but it's oversimplified. The jobs of Dopamine and Serotonin are very complex and each one is very important for happiness.

I like to listen to or play music for entertainment. I think reading fiction shouldn't get in the way for you spiritually. It would only be a problem if you spent too much time with the books.

Why trust Leo then? Also, I think philosophy is an inherently solo pursuit. You can't ever fully trust any outside resource. Direct experience is the only thing that will always tell you the truth. The purpose of reading philosophy from others is to give your mind more to work with, not to adopt doctrine.

I would probably consider myself orange/green, so this stuff makes me feel like I'm growing

I think that red is the first stage that really allows society to happen. The dark ages and feudalism were basically stage red, especially among the nobility. Red is the first stage that really has concepts of specific rules for justice and allows itself to interact with strangers. This differs from purple whose whole justice system is basically just up to the judgement of the chief or leader of the tribe. Also, stage red is not necessarily more violent than stage purple. Yes, they may be more cruel to their own people, but they are a little more thoughtful with killing. Usually when a red kills, it's because they want to gain power or territory or they have pleasure in doing so. Purple will basically kill people because they are outside of their tribe. Think of apache Indians, some of the more violent native American tribes. Stage red is basically trying to be stage orange, but they kill too much and don't respect the concept of stability in society enough.

I've spent an average of 3 or 4 hours a day on YouTube for a long time. I just want my free time back to do what I actually want to do.

Idk why I would as it's incredible. But ,you know, just curious.

I've been doing this for a while. It takes away so much unnecessary suffering. Not judging yourself also helps you not judge other people, which makes your relationships better. This is really a pillar of spiritual growth.

I would say that materialistic success is actually positively correlated with consciousness level. Look at how the average spiral dynamics stage of a country correlates with the per - capita income of the country. More security, more education, higher quality of life, less time spent working, these things help you become more conscious and also come from wealth. As for people who have obscene amounts of wealth, say the top 0.5% of earners in the United States, wealth can only do so much. After a point wealth is just a number and it won't help you increase your consciousness.

@Leo Gura I guess I don't understand intelligence as you understand it.

In my opinion you really have to rely on people for most of the information in your life. All you can do is be aware that you are putting trust in others and take responsibility for your learning. Always take note of from where you get your information.

IQ is actually a pretty good measure of intelligence. IQ and EQ are different things though. EQ and consciousness are much more closely tied. You can't really learn to increase your IQ, but you can learn to increase your capacity for love. I would say that IQ has no correlation to lovingness and consciousness.

I totally agree with this. Music has helped me through some of the darkest times. It's like a drug that doesn't have any side effects, doesn't make you addicted, and you can enjoy without building up a tolerance. Like some psychedelics?

@Realms of Wonder Honestly your ability to overcome your addiction so far is very inspiring. I struggle with YouTube addiction myself, and I've tried to quit many times, but I always relapse. The longest I've gone is 2 weeks, and I have gone through everything you described. Your determination in the face of the agony of withdrawal makes me think that not all hope is lost. Keep strong, I hope that you are successful and your psyche returns to normal. You also have healthy habits like music, reading, and meditation that you practice fairly consistently. I just want to say that what you are doing is really quite impressive and the fact that it is hard is no surprise. I think that what you are experiencing is just withdrawal. It is telling you that you really are changing on a deep level. Keep it up! I believe!

It do be like that sometimes

I can see why a lot of people say they are addicted to this forum because it has a lot of like-minded people on it. When I'm on the forum, I specifically look for topics where I have an opinion or view that I want other people to know. I feel very satisfied when someone looks at something I said and approves of it or says it helps them, I'm slightly less satisfied when someone disagrees with what I say, and I feel disappointed when no one shows any sign or having read my post or no one offers an opinion. I think that I have learned a lot by using this forum, and engineering my posts in order to gain attention has forced me to write high quality posts that require a lot of contemplation. However, I am worried that browsing the forum will turn into an addiction, or that seeking to be helpful will sabotage my growth because I may be less willing to learn from others. I'm writing this post in order to bring this insight more to some other people who might be doing the same thing. I am also writing it because I want other people to respond with their experience on this forum and validate my own feelings. So please respond if you have any suggestions and if you think this is a problem. How can I be less reliant on what others think? Should I be less reliant on what others think? Have you dealt with this problem in the past?

I actually think coding can be fun once you get good. It allows me to easily get deeply into the flow.

I don't think you should be asking which language to learn, because once you learn one language, you can learn the others a lot faster. Instead, be asking what resources are best for learning. If you're just starting out, I recommend following a few project tutorials. They will let you see each concept in action as it is used. Also, the true skill in programming is not really remembering syntax, but being able to think through a problem, write pseudo code, google the correct things, and read error messages.