5-D - L O V E

The fundamental flaw in descartes cogito is his hidden assumption that thought precedes being... From the ego's point of view, it can be seen as valid, "since I think I must exists" But reality is really more like "I am therefore I can think.. among many other things" For some reason, I'm imagining descartes jaw dropping after having a sunya experience... "if all thought has stopped, why is the I am still here!"

I would encourage you to look into the concept of Akash, the Akashic records and Yogic lore, since many forms of hinduism understood this very concept for millenia. Also think deeply about the godhead, what does it mean, what can it point out to, and what are the implications of oneness concerning the "ego's mind" vs "universal mind".

Never actually looked into the back history of the concept but I was deeply affected by it at some point (as my identifier obviously points out lol). The way I see it, the way I came "into" it, from personal experience before actually getting exposed to the concept was simply through the expansion of consciousness/psyche, thinking deeply about the implications of Einstein's general relativity since I was a teenager, and the "interwovenness" of spacetime made me be less grounded in 3D and led me into conceiving of time as a navigable space, instead of it being an arrow that was constraining me. This is the shift to 4D, it can be seen as simply as long term planning and action, or as the yogis see it, shifting into longer cycles. Now, the "shift to 5D" is similar in the sense that it's a broadning of your possibility/experience space, it's allowing multi-perspectival thought and emotion, and experiencing everything from the paradigm of everything being connected (Oneness) and that it's energy in play, the ego is wants to exprience this energy from the paradigm of being a separate entity (self) but this can shift into just the verb of experience (if that makes senses). There's a primordial (original) mind, the "godhead", and that godhead is both the experiencer and experience from a multidimensional perspective, in fact, god is having all perspectives from an infinity of dimensions... This is the possibility space of mind, and aligning with 5D is just letting one self be imbued with this "other" mind outside of the one "attached" to the body (which is illusory to begin with).

@Holykael I sincerely wanna thank you for writing this post, I'm not gonna pretend that I will (or can) provide any kind of answer or solution within the next lines since I'm struggling with the integration of similar issues but maybe I can hold some space for acknowledgement of what is part of god/truth. First of all, I believe that many people (not only on this forum, but in general) either shy away from some aspects of truth (the darker ones), or are just too afraid/selfish to taste from every piece of the pie (this includes me, there were diffenetly some experiences in my life that I just passed on and said "no thank you" because I didn't see how they would serve me or the greater good). Now, some people are just "born into trouble", some of us came by default with a heavy karma, and were prone to heavier systemic issues that simply surpass the individual. To speak of my own experience, I was born in a shitty third world country with heavy dogma and heavier hypocrisy, the patriarchal side is so skewed it's just a joke, and I was raised by a single mother who had to concern all her life with the survival of her children, and on top of that, all my older brothers who had been around my father for quite sometime before he passed away just turned into shadows with no backbone, completely passive and domesticated once he died. I know this is all me, it's all a story. And I kinda knew it all along, deep inside, intuitively. So naturally, I was the exception, although I had hardly any friends, social popularity, material wealth, success with the opposite sex... I just out worked everything I know (pretty much) since I was 15, I had deep philosophical and spiritual issues solved by the time I was 22, and "I took myself" to reach the highest awakenings mimicking 5-meo by dosing to upwards of 750ug+ of acid on multiple occasions, that's without accounting for the stupid extent to which I took meditation, inquiry and deconstruction.. I'm surprised I didn't just physically vanish. I lost a "soulmate", lost pretty much everyone in my family, my friends mostly don't understand me (although they intuit by my intelligence that I must be into something...), I abandonned many dreams, lost my ego before having it accomplish any of the goals it set for itself, all this to STILL lose even on spiritual grounds at the end (lol), and I received the signs, got the channelings, had all the classical mystical experiences, gone through their integrtion... I wasn't even selfish or impure (relatively speaking to other egos) I had my wounds and traumas, but they were all pretty conscious, and I was constantly working on them. This is still just a narrative I keep entertaining for some reason, and I can see through this. I can also see that (maybe) I'm not ready (willing?) to forgive nor heal, I feel totally depleated of my humanity, and absolutely love sick. What's the answer? where can look to find it? I don't know. I know one thing, is that I'm far from the end (hopefully, if not whatever, the spirit carries on) I know I'm taking this to the very end, once I'm done, my body will drop on its own. I know for all the losses I got WAY more experienced, bolder (if anything) and I can just do way much more than I ever thought possible at the start of my journey, I just need to remove the blockages and I find a way to do it. Awakening didn't solve as many of the things I wished it would automatically do. I don't feel more loving, or more love, if anything I'm more bitter than ever. And it just got me into a situation which is more hairy, but now, I think I have clearer idea for the next god realization (and as scary as it is, because this one annihilates everything) if need be, I know I can (atleast) try and surrender to it, and maybe that would be the one! I know it's just the ebb and flow of energy. These times defenetly feel like mass psychosis, but it's nothing permanent, this (whatever god is going through) is just more potential for more realization.

Another avenue of research that just came back to my mind, although I can't recommend spefic works in these categories since it's been a long since I last explored these is anything which is esoteric in nature, i.e, works on Alchemy, magick, the chakras, akashic records, wicca, clairvoyance and divination... Such works usually deal with the femenine/intuitive side of spirituality, but I would also advise not taking anything you can't directly experience for yourself too seriously, since they may become the source of much dillusion, but they still hold value if one knows where to probe and what to look for.

About 2/3 years I came across a (pirated) pdf containing the complete works (5 different tomes, written in arabic) of Mansur Al-Hallaj who was imo the most realised sufi to have ever lived. There were 2 books in particular (although I can't remember which ones exactly, probably "dîwân" being one of them), that went to a depth that geniunly surprised me, it blows the quran out of the water by a large stretch, and it had many references to non duality, god, god consciousness, states of consciousness being the same from absolute perspective, the godhead, infinite beauty, truth, intelligence... Some passages in "the law of One" clearly get close to Leo's highest teachings. The gems are generally found in the broad topics and not the specific mechanics of how Ra's metaphysical reality operates (that gets quite new-agy and unpure imo). The book of Mirdad by Mikhaïl Naimy, which is very similar in both structure and content to "Thus spoke Zarathustra" would be the layman's practical philosophy/ cogntive framework for someone who wants to do the deepest personal development work without forcibly blasting himself into the absolute. Martin Ball's writing may come really close, but I haven't personally read any of his books, but hearing how he describes things, it wouldn't be much of a stretch to mention his work here. This is being said, no book or conceptual framework/ knowledge can prepare or point you to what Leo is teaching, even the most realized gurus seem to fail to grasp what enlightenment or god realization actually mean, it's ABSOLUTELY INFINITE (in every sense of the expression).

Within the first 4 to 5 minutes of this video, a given (and quite popular) spiritual view is described, which is mainly the one where serving God and serving Ego are diametrically opposite, let's refer to this as the "classical Abrahamic paradigm" or CAP (for the sake of this discussion). CAP was the view held and openly preached, taught and encouraged by many saints and sages through the ages as being the way to God. Now, my personal experience (and also Leo's teaching) both seem to point to a different paradigm, having realized a long time ago that CAP is mainly over-simplistic, dogmatic, incomplete and doesn't account for the nuances of self, shadow, the interplay of duality, spiral dynamics, personal evolution... among many other things. Let's refer to this teaching as the highest teaching or HT. Now, my following questions and inquiries mainly arise from seeing my personal limitations and biases when it comes to understanding, naviguating and ultimately integrating this CAP/HT duality. I can see the pros and cons of both paradigms, mainly that CAP promotes stability, order and "healthy" ego survival while HT's main concern is The Truth. But why is it that The Truth seems to comeback to bite me in the ass (in one form or another) no matter how much deconstruction I've done of CAP and seeing it's limitations firsthand, no matter how much the integrity with which I apply myself with, it's as if I'm not allowed to go beyond CAP outside of my internal reality. In all my non dual states, I experienced one or many aspects of God, but they still came in through the channel of self/ego, so I could never see the distinction between the two. If that's the case, why can't I give myself the experiences I always promise myself in those states outside of those states? and if God is in charge all the way through and the ego is a mere illusion all the way through, then why doesn't god fullfill his promises into my experiences? Material and spiritual are one in the same in the absolute sense, and people cannot just choose to bypass one or the other as they wish it to be, nor do I think (from experience) that it's a good idea to try to force one reality over the other, burning through karma is where it's at when it comes to healing, and I see/experience it as a fundamental facet of true healing. If that's the case, why do I still feel like I need to let go of my material desires ? knowing this desire itself is neither healthy nor conductive to a good experience in the long run. Basically, all my posts in this forum (since the first day I joined) revolve around this issue (with some different flavours). I don't have problems integrating what seems to be deeper and harder truths, but this dichotomy of having an ego, seeing all its wounds, hurts, deep needs yet still failling to allow myself to manifest solutions still baffles me. I feel like on a serious trial to achievement ratio, I fall so low that I deeply feel like God hasn't granted me any grace concerning this. And I know because of that that my ego can never love God/Reality/itself... and it's all getting to an unbearable low. What makes it worse is that I know I relatively quite awake (in the Leo sense of the term) in other aspects. Yet I see myself as a loser when it comes to my human ego/existance.

Orphaned Land - Find yourself, discover god Periphery - Facepalm mute The underachivers - Gold soul theory Earth, wind and fire - Fantasy Angra - Waiting silence N.E.R.D - ESP / Lighting fire magic prayer Disperse - Message from atlantis Jacob collier - With the love in my heart David maxim micic - The flock

So yesterday I did my first trip ever with mushrooms, in the past I've had experience with mainly lsd, helping its integration with mdma and marijuana (which seems to work for me). Something has become clear to me this time, not that I never noticed it on lsd (I've had a couple dozen experiences in the last 5 years) and they all have these themes in common, some of which are still challenging to integrate: Once my ego is mostly out, energetic work comes seamlessly through breath work, fractal energetic yoga, speaking in tongues (that make sense in the moment), and sitting in symmetry. This point in okay. Downloads and obvious yet profound insights come automatically if the underlying work has been done before hand: meditation, shadow work, inquiry, reading and research, deconstruction... This point is okay. Whenever "I" step in, my ego (and everything within it) becomes amplified, this leads to me feeling deeply nostalgic for childhood, the love I recieved from my mother, love I feel for all the people I love, and a deep feeling of being an eternal child (in some cosmic sense). Now I don't know what to make out of this really. On some point it feels like needed past recontextualizations, and a geniune acknoledgement of gratitude, but on the other hand, it feels like its a barrier from me being more present in god mode, atleast for that moment. Which feels like a waste afterwards since some of my trips end up feeling incomplete, or am I just getting ahead of the process? Consciousness turning fully "crazy", like I (my ego) realize how much for anything to work is a miracle, the infinite inherent goodness in everything, and having everything on the verge of being lost, or having it lost (for that moment) makes me like I obviously lack control over the energies at play here and thank god that everything is within "His" control, and not my ego's. Yet I feel like no amount of preparation is enough for that, and paradoxically, the larger the doses, the more god is present, the clearer everything is, which makes the relatively lower doses more challenging to work with (at times). Death. Impermanence being so in your face, and having the anxt and fear stay even after surrender. I know death is gonna be the last state to fully accept and integrate, and I realize I may be not be fully ready for it (yet) although I feel I like I've done it in the past, should I just learn to sit through that feeling? Now, I'll be having atleast one month off until my next trip but I've been wondering if meanwhile I should double down on my consciousness work, and take meditation and yoga more seriously, or just learn to flow and improvise and deal with less "control" overall, or is it something else completely ?

I can't speak for anyone else besides me but I think many people would benefit from Leo adressing issues regarding what it means to be a man, past gender identification, patriachy and social constructions, the essence of the masculine but embodied I guess? I thought I've had patriachy fully deconstructed and re-integrated and that I just needed to embody it through my day to day (which I was struggling to do to a hilarious extent) until I saw some videos from "left-tube" which got the coffin out of the ground just to give the final nail one last time. and it happened efter I rewatched Leo's video on nihilism for the fourth time or something, so everything was more aware and meta this time, which made the process more intuitive and everything clicked! Now, I feel like at last I'm in some what of a neutral position (being aware of the systemic nature of it all) to explore the meaning of masculinity for myself, not for the sole gratification of a wounded ego, but more in accordance with truth, having faith that the healing of ego will happen by itself if the process is carried with. But this leaves anyone in my position facing an unmapped territorry, since all the material that already exists regarding masculinity, manhood... is biased and ego driven, and when other spiritual teachers speak on this matter this keep it very vague, almost as if they are shying from adressing the subject in the first place.

I realize now that through this post I'm mainly trying to get my psychedelic practice checked by more experienced psychonauts. It's like with athletic work, music practice or even research, sometimes we don't realise how inneficient our ways are until we see someone doing things through deeper experience, you realize then that it's not about what they're practicing, but more in the hows, their focus with which exercise, how they go about assessing their effectiveness, conscious integration of intuitive work and flow...

The closest thing to an enlightenment experience being captured in a movie, had me by complete surprise and I couldn't believe how good of an experience I was having watching a movie, haven't had that since TLOTR or something (lol). It showed me how expressive the medium of film can be when done right, and how much there is still to explore.

Good and bad are ultimately constructs, there is such a thing as Good actions that lead to good outcomes and bad actions that lead to bad outcomes, but it's all contextual and relative. Overcompensation (mostly in terms of relationships, dating and achieving things i.e being an overachiever). Following lust and limerence as Absolutes in the service of love while still keeping everything truthful and in integrity. Pursuing power as the will to actually DO things, whether its production, work, personal goals... Becoming narssistic as a means to cut through all the bullshit that gets thrown around, basically keeping my own energies grounded. ... Now, the spiritual pursuits have led to some realizations about all these things, but my embodiment of it all still falls short. Now how does one go about things as directly as I stated above without it being a fabrication through self brainwashing, spirituality is not the answer in my case, neither is "normal life" and just going with it all. And I can't keep lying to myself about me not having these desires or that I wanna let it all go and free myself completely... I ultimately see that kind of of absolute freedom as chains, in a way similar to marriage (forgive the analogy) but I have an issue with that too, like I desire a family but I see myself as someone who hasn't lived through his youth, so the possibility of becoming an eternal teenager is as alluring to me. Sorry if I'm mixing many things at once in what seems a haphazard way, but I'm just letting my subconscious express itself so I and anyone reading can have a better insight into my how my ego functions.

To keep what could be a very long post shorter, I'm gonna abridge through many topics and issues, but I'll try to retain the most relevent pieces hoping anyone reading can piece enough together to get the full picture. So basically, I've been in the same spot in life for the past 2/3 years. And I feel like I'm missing the things that would allow me to break this blockage and further advance in my journey. The issue: I wake up everyday from sleep (if I can get any) with the same intense feelings, knots and thought patterns that shut me up from doing any meaningful productive activity from the get go, no matter what I seem to do to counteract them (meditation, exercice, working on my purpose, getting on with a routine, not doing anything and just loving myself unconditionally allowing myself to be a couch potato...) The deep underlying root cause: What I identified from being and living from this state for quite a while, and for a greater length althrough my life (not being fully conscious of it) is that I can't get myself to love myself fully, and that goes back to me never being loved/confirmed fully externally whether it's from friends, family or past lovers. The point I'm at right now is that I know I need to forgive myself but I can't get myself to do it knowing (at some relative level atleast) that I can't and don't want to live without a certain amount of external love/validation (dual/"illusion"/"unawakened") style. Having thought about it for countless hours, I know that "humaning", "bonding", "relatedness" and "empathy" are all constructions that are best developed "unconsciously" and "naturally", not having had the luxury to do that, I took some decisions early on that set me up for the greatest realizations but at the same time allowed me to side step the issues at hand, but in a counter intuitive fashion, I have a deeper understanding and embodiment of the human qualities I listed compared to most my peers, but still, inside I still feel energetically lacking and incomplete. A metaphor that might help: Most people grow in some form of a limited paradise, then they lose it in time with the heartbreaks of life as they get older. Now, imagine growing up in a environment so broken that you had to derive the simplest things from scartch since childhood constantly struggling, only to have the blows take on a massive proportion as you get older, and as "the stakes got higher". It's easier to have the will to go looking for paradise if you have a latent taste of it and that it can be achieved and secured to some extent. Personally, I can't not doubt things, I can't just be chill about things and not running to the worst in my mind all the time. Energetically and within my body, I could never afford geniuenly feeling secure and at home with things. So, altough I know the absolute goodness of god, I'm more doubtfull than most egos... What absolutely worked so far: There are things which I proactively persued that have given me the most in life, Music: I consider myself a very accomplished musician, and it is my main LP, and I more or less know this for about 10 years now, but being in my energetic state, I could never allow myself to fully follow it completely to fruition without sabotage at some point, or if I'm sure I won't sabotage I can't get myself to gather the resources necessary to produce what I want to produce... Physics/programming: The ying to the artistical yang, don't want to touch it for now though. Psychedelics/Spirituality/Being: multiple facets of awakening; emotional/energetic releases, mystical states, non dual experiences, Love, God, Self, Truth, Structure of being/net of life... Movement: Being in the body, stretching/mobility work, dance/free movement, hatha yoga, fractal energetic yoga/tai chi, calisthenics. Retreats/workshops/seminars/festivals/concerts/adventure. Work: a lot of volunteering/service. Love: Maybe the deepest of all experiences; basically meeting a soulmate/twin flame, having the deepest experience of love, but it being only platonic and never going physical, for reasons that may be too complicated to state in a short fashion. What didn't work: Everything that worked, in the sense that with anything I do, nothing feels to go to a sense of completion, a satisfying resolution that would fill the pieces that feel missing. Taking things peronally: There are basically two themes at play in the general arc of my life. Things I love, what I'm awesome at, my deepest achievements, my personal truth: these are the things I know absolutely, experiences I validated for myself, by myself for my own growth, not necessarily percievable by a "broader audience" (many times hardly by anyone but myself). But this is what kicks my juices, my happiness, my purpose, my flow. Then, there are the not so awesome things, my failures and faillings, things I can't forgive myself or others for, not having succeeded not for lack of skill but because of feelings of unworthiness and self loathing because of that goddamn " I never belonged, my friends don't really love me.. if they did they would've helped me... " and "if she did love me she would've done things differently... she would've freed me instead of adding to the confusion..." The second theme is basically acceptance and forgiveness. The current tangible situation: Due to reality being reality (lol) I'm finding myself at a peculiar situation, I have almost nothing going on for me, and I literally can't summon the energy to do anything about it. I feel entitled towards reality, that somehow I deserve more and better. I'm basically hoping for a geniune miracle, and that things don't just go to shit. Meanwhile I'm feeling about absolutely every feeling I can feel and nothing at the same time. Going meta: Unless I'm missing something blatenly obvious here. As pitty as my issues can seem to appear, I think they are the biggest set of problems one can have, this is basically what's holding god from fully knowing and embodying itself. And deep issues require deep solutions, I'm intuiting there can be two solutions (as far as my short sided ego sight can see): To miraculously find love, no matter what its form, just being graced by love (mind you, not the Eckhart Tolle kind of love, still trying to please the ego here). Or, to radically recontextualize this in a way I can truly believe and act on, and getting myself up by the bootsraps over time. Since only the latter solution is in my direct line of action, how does one go about absolutely shifting his POV. Bonus inquiry: I know some people in my life who just by the sheer belief of them absolutely deserving something, they can go about manifesting it. In the solutions I cited above, these people would naturally go towards the first one, they would "miraculously" manifest whatever their ego desires. I know, I can do the same, but my range of possibility is limited by my beliefs, the question is how would one go about fundametally changing those beliefs in a BEING sense.

I think I'm aiming at a different finality, I always considered myself as living in the extremes, and this applies to "common wisdom" too, trying to release the pain and grief didn't work, as much as I've tried in the past, so I've came to the conclusion that I should simply overcompensate when it comes to my unmet needs instead of going with a more classical form of love, I've been denied intimacy so much that I feel that no amount of love any woman can give is able to heal me, same goes with me healing myself internally, so the more time goes, the more the intuition that Ego is as much Truth, Godly as anything else feels True, so it should honored as such. Basically, I feel that any advice given by any school of thought (be it spiritual, from healing resources, "the dark intellectual web", the manosphere, and ultimately Actualized.org) doesn't apply in my case, in a counter intuitive/reversed fashion. If I go with my deepest truth, I should seek more narcissism, "elevation", ego confidance and self confirmation, JUST so I can feel in a neutral state compared with how I feel and believe people generally are. Humanity has no idea how deep darkness and the shadow goes and can manifest itself, and the causes are all tiny details that compound in a butterfly effect kind of way. And it is because of this lack of knowledge in general when it comes to this that there doesn't exist effective healing modalities, psychedelics aside (and even that has its limits...), so what's left is God, and God is mostly speaking to my ego as my ego in service of the ego, but my ego ultimately feels lacking, weak and limited.

The ultimate hack for self confidance, and the most effictive source of grounding for the ego in my own experience is construct awareness, embodying construct awareness energetically, and having a deep inner knowing of the infinite source which is God and ultimately you can get you through many things, both in dealing with the negatives and allowing the positives to flourish. A theme that goes hand in hand with self confidance is your ultimate alignment, asking the question "Am I moving in the direction of light". WAY harder said than actually embodied, but it is a core pillar of grounding "bigger" energies. In it's ultimate form, complete alignment to god would make you a saint, a person that has interated everything and sees and feels everything as the self in absolute compassion, think Thich Nhat Hanh, the Dalai Lama, Jesus... they are all embodying a greater power, but their "confidance"/Will comes as much from their ultimate devotion to Goodness, God. I deeply believe that this choice is not for everyone and can't be forced (and nothing good can come from forcing it), so it's all about taking responsibility for the good you can provide in the radius you can afford.

Unfortunatly, such groups don't exist where I live, a strong group of friends would help, but not my actual ones. I don't even trust or feel I understand the concept and being of "friendship", so I have some issues with that, in the sense that most of my friends don't see or recognize my full potential because of me failling to manifest it, but I see that as more them not believing in their own potential and capacities and what some of them can ultimately do. So there's a projection happening there, and I questioned it all the time, so it's not this set belief in my mind that my friends ultimately bring down (even though it's unconscious from their part).

I feel like I have gone through the therapy naturally through the integration of various mystical experiences I've had, and also deep life experiences. The self therapy is just allowing the observer, consciousness to feel and hear every "sub ego"/fragment and allowing the space for it to exist, be recognized and have it have it's fundamental need met (or atleast, start going in that direction if it's a long term goal). It's about a deeper form of healing I haven't found so far... I've tried things like "A course in miracles", Paul Chek's healing sessions, even just sitting through the pain in meditation doesn't "stick" once I'm done with the meditation, sometimes even during the meditation I feel like I'm bullshitting myself at some aspect if that makes sense. What I need is more power to act through (we can also refer to this as Will), to be confirmed in energetic terms, not through self talk, meditation, journaling... because all these methods only work up to a certain depth, then everything falls.

My life's biggest issue has always been feeling unloved because of the total absense of physical contact with others all throught my life. This has obviously been the catalyst in "me" reaching my highest highs but also my lowest lows. I fancy myself as being God realized, and my enlightnement is pretty solid, BUT, there is one feeling/aspect of my reality that I can't still change for the life of me, and that's to have a human to human physical connection/relationship, I've had platonic relationships which went as deep as Love goes, I've also experienced raw uncoditional divine Love in many occasions, but nothing of what I seem to do (or not do) can get me what I feel I truely need to heal, which is geniune physical affection. I feel descently about myself as a human, I mostly love myself when I'm not lost, I've been as vulnerable as I can be, I've approached and tried with more women than any of my male peers, I have solid game, I am a solid person, I consider myself to be quite attractive (on a good day), I am intersting, open minded, talented, smart (and the qualities I have I didn't even devellop consciously as part of my "game arsenal"..) but still. I can geniunly feel/understand incels (being one technically) and anyone in the "manosphere" but I still see through the bullshit of it all, conceptually and intellectually I am "above" all those beliefs, but I symphatise with how crippling it can be for anyone who couldn't explore attraction/sexuality in their teens early twenties and feel now stuck. Sometimes, I feel I need a miracle for this to sort out. Not knowing how to ask God for things (that's still one of the things I'm working on) I don't know how to get such a miracle consciously. How should I go about this knowing that I feel denied beyond repair (I know I denied myself those experiences) But I still can't fully forgive myself even when I try and I can't seem to consciously be able to change the situation...

@Kshantivadin I really appreciate the care to help today I had an epiphany as I was approaching a girl, before I crossed the street to go talk to her, I saw she had earpieces on, usually this is one of those things that can set me off in a spiral of approach anxiety but I was so focused that I saw myself getting agitated internally and getting anxious/tense, I just had to feel it fully for 2 seconds to know that I had the choice then & there to "erase" those feelings and just go into the playfull mood I was in just seconds ago, and it just worked! I had a solid approach all throught because I didn't go in with a defeatist mindset, but in openess and trust that she might like or reject me, but it doesn't matter the slightest what the outcome is, what's of importance is to overcome myself and get better with time and practice To sum things up, within a week, I see atleast one girl that I find geniunly attractive, and a few that I might be interested to just talk or interact with, so I'll just have to find a way to make myself accountable for approaching all these girls I might regret otherwise, not forcing myself into "game" as in doing X number of sets per night out or anything of the sort because those end up to feel forced and needy to my taste.

@Leo Gura Yes, sometimes we just need to put into practice whatever degree we have in the art of the obvious, today I opened a hot girl on the street, had a solid interaction, we talked for about 10mins, got each other instagram... It just felt automatic and natural and I was quite in flow I was gonna argue, but I'll just nod for you calling me out and putting my ego into check.

@SamC Not in the near future, plus I feel that if I can't fulfill some aspect of reality here, it doesn't matter doing it somewhere else. I will always feel lacking. The way I frame it is not even about getting laid, or love, or connection, but the overlying psychology of it all, how I couldn't adapt to reality the way it is, and the huge amount of regret and resentment I carry. @Kshantivadin Probably, but every time I opened up about this I just experienced frustration because of the lack of understanding of anyone I approached this with, people always see things through their own skewed and biased experience and nobody is willing to open up to the degree necessary for understanding and true compassion, so I stopped asking for both.

In a way I experience it as systemic and twisted and I can't break out of it. I feel too "broken" to even go out or try, and this feeling has been going on for months. Everytime I go out to try anything I end up returning more broken, I live in a broken dogmatic society where sexuality for its own sake is repressed, shadowy and "wrong" in the eyes of the collective, yet most people go on with it just in twisted ways, you basically can't date if you don't intend "serious" outcomes (i.e marriage) and women who are active sexually I feel never go for the adventure unless it involves money and cars (sorry to be this blunt and I know how I may appear to anyone reading this, but it's just what it is). The case I desire to fall into, which is "raw attraction" and just acting out of it I feel I have missed on, since I know that people in a certain age are explorative but all women my age I feel are too blinded by their desire and need to find a provider and keep him. The country/society I live in is notorious for its sexuality problems and everybody acknowledges it, but when it comes to practicality nobody is transcending any of the factors we need to transcend to overcome these issues (religion, dogma, marriage as an absolute, inherent sin in promescuity and sex...)

Before I started taking enlightenment work seriously around 2017 I had a huge delay in almost everything material related compared to my "peers" This is one of the reasons I pursued this work so ardently, I basically believed that anyone who had something going on was enlightened in some way for that thing to work, since I always saw beyond people's justifications on how things worked out for them: basically people take credit for good things and disown the bad results while I saw that everything is context, everything is God's will... So with that in mind I decided to go for full enlightenment first and foremost in order to manifest this dream the way I always intuited it can be. Fast forward to now, after all the ego deaths and consciousness exapnsion to include everything and all that good stuff, I (ego me) turned out to be the ultimate loser, if anything I feel that pure consciousness aside, I am worst off than the place I started, and I feel way too bitter and broken about it, to the point where I feel like no matter what happens, "this" cannot even be recontextualized... I'm afraid I wont ever turn out to be happy, content, or winning. I am full of bitterness, apathy, desires for revenge... and all the consciousness I used to tap into is now fully gone, it's just ego, I understand now what "devil" means, what falling from grace is all about. BUT, knowing things in the way I do now, I know that this too IS God, but I just can't grow from it, I'm also too conscious to just go back into "ordinary existance" and climb my way up the ordinary way, so what I basically concluded after all the pain is that existance (for me) is me realizing that the universe exists for me to fulfill my ego's desires, but for that to happen I literally need a miracle, the question is now how would one go about that? How would one manifest a miracle for the greater good of one's ego? This inquiry may seem like a joke to many people here who believe that this is all unspiritual and that I'm full of shit, but it is what it is. To me, Ego, Self, God and Consciousness are (still) synonimous and I can't differentiate between the them. So I believe it is a geniune desire of god to win through little limited me; OR; It is my geniune desire to win THE WAY I WANNA WIN in order to fall back in love with existance. Can this be done? Deep down I know it can totally be done, and sometimes I even intuit that it's EASY, but from the limited place I am in, it feels like it's too much to carry and I just go into lethargy blaming myself (as God) How does one go about reversing this basically? has anyone dealt with this? I have the intuition that Leo has gone (is going) through similar things but I feel that he just focuses too much on one side of the equation without going too much into detail about things like shadow work, ego validation, the necessity of selfishness in love... To summerize things, my ultimate question through this post is this: How does one take FULL control/lucidity of reality? How does one take reality's power in order to serve one's ego?

I am aware with the immense feeling of both entitelment and resentment towards reality. Because of this "never feel like I'm winning" thing, especially when I start comparing myself to people who sometimes do less effort and concerned to a lesser degree with things and that do way better, it can't but feel all the jealousy, which in turn feeds into the negative mental loop..