5-D - L O V E

I genuinely feel that God is actively pushing me to be "anti spiritual", to live a life which is more ego based, I feel that my spiritual journey consists in building an ego instead of dissolving the ego I have more than I did in the past. I choose the phrase "building an ego" over "building a healthy self" consciously because I've used the latter as a means of self deception in the past.

This post may trigger some sort of a heated reactions, but I can only be as transparent as I can be to make myself fully understood. I haven't done much dating in my life, still haven't had sex, the reason being systematic rejection with all the women I tried to be with, whether I was interested in some sort of long term commitment, or just me being direct and making my intentions clear that I was just looking for sex. I find myself attractive and interesting to be with, I've been intimate with a couple of women, found (and lost) my twin flame, I ended up the relationship because it wasn't going anywhere, and it was ultimately counter productive to my actualization. And now, aside from the fact that I feel deeply hurt from the relationships I've been in, I feel that all the women I've tried to be close to ultimately ended up lying to me because they didn't understand their inner psychology themselves. In this sense I feel like I have been cheated, because I've seen some of the women I tried my chances with give themselves to men who were clearly manipulating them and that didn't ultimately have their best interest in mind. And now, this situation has reached the point where I can barely think about anything else, I feel like I don't want to "participate" in life due to all the rejection I've been through. It wouldn't hurt as much if I haven't tried, but I feel like I did WAY much more effort going out of my comfort zone, doing pick up, talking to strangers, and actually having a geniune interest in the people I interact with. But it's always the "nattys" who end up taking the girls home I've always known that I wanted to be with a lot of girls during my lifetime (mainly because I had barely been given physical touch & comfort all through my life, from the time I was a toddeler), and I feel like I fell short in fullfiling that need/desire, and it's hindering every aspect of my life. I feel this deep paradox within me which is this, I know for fact that none of my peers understands deep psychology and women the way I do, yet at the same time, I am failling miserably at fullfiling the needs I so deeply want fullfiled. Now, I didn't go into full length with the details, because that would've made the post way longer than it needs to be, and that's besides the point. I don't have a specific question, I see this as a meta problem, what I need help with is how I can leverage this "problem" to acheive the outcome I want to acheive, I know this is purely ego driven but I've reached my set of conclusions regarding this. No matter the way in which I try to recontextualize this narrative, or just accepting things and disregarding all narratives, nothing seems to work. Are my views/beliefs on the topic fundametally flawed, am I approaching things from the "wrong" angle, am I taking things way too personally? Is it just my ego playing tricks? all of the above ? none ? How can see things clearly regarding intimacy, psychology and sexuality?

This is more of a meta question, and I don't think that any combination of words can "capture" what love is. The first thing you should be aware of is that you are asking about the very container of ALL experience, a short answer can simply be "this", you reading this response is love, me writing these words is love. If you try to fathom the nature of consciousness, experience, you'll find that it's mind boggling to say the least, it's the biggest mystery and it seems impenetrable, unfathomable, ineffable, now whatever the image you hold in your mind of this experience is not the real thing, and if you zoom out a bit you'll realize that you were observing one circle, and that circle was within another circle.. ad infinitum Now, if you can sit with this long enough and see it for yourself, not the idea, not the analogy I gave but the real thing, actuality, you can only ask yourslef why? why did experience "choose" to happen, why does anything exist at all, why all the fuss, all the matter, all the energy, all the thoughts, all the drama, all the sounds, creatures, planets, ideas.. you can only arrive at one answer (and this is what you should find for yourself) Now, you may arrive at the conclusion that existence doesn't just produce "love", and that's right (from your personal POV), Existence, Reality, Truth, God manifests EVERYTHING, absolutely everything, and Absolute Infinity is synonymous with Love, and that is what you can find out through conscioussness work, or not (maybe I'm just regurgitating what I've heard Leo and other spiritual teachers say), This is why you should verify and find out for yourself.

Fragments - Broken Gestalt Karma, please answer me, If I am all, then why do I see this thread only falling on me? I am destined to great things, the greatest of all things, above and beyond. knowing inside how deep my roots stretch into darkness, and how wide my branches above into heaven, there is only one way for me, it is also your way, for we share the path, blinded by our differences, words shielding, corrupting our truest intentions, Meaning, lost, for my meaning is happiness, simplicity, if there was an after life (in which I don't believe yet I know for fact exists..) I know what I would be creating for myself, simple, friendship, love, pure, innocent. In this life, it has always been murky and stained, so why should I believe that things can transfrom to the shape of my vision, if all my visions have fallen short, I am good, but I aspire for completion, the other side, subconsciously manifesting, unmanifesting, these words don't mean a thing, just fragments of a mind that has accepted too much as is, as god, never screamed in the face of pain, never thought of pain as being pain, until it saw that others screamed for far less.. Divine justice, equanimity, Divine, equanimous, I have taken too much darkness in, and now I can't find the light, or is it that I don't wanna find it? pray for me, for I am lost, pray for me for I don't believe in anything, pray for me.. It's crazy how after losing all hope, after all the dark nights, I still can't just do it, I know my potential, I know it too well, but still I'm choosing to be a devil, is it because of the hypocrisy I've been subjected to? growing in a society that swaped good and evil? God grant me grace.

@Chew211 Yes and no. This may seem like me trying to protect my beliefs, but hear me out, the truth is more nuanced than how I made it appear in my original post. For reasons that would take too long to explain here, it was a conscious choice I made to not focus on relationships in my teenage years and early twenties, but I still engaged in relationships, 2 that lasted for a consequent amount of time, so it's not just preconcieved ideas I hold about women, but actual experience, and although I know that I'm trying to force a certain reading of the situation (biased towards making me feel good about myself) the truth is still counter-intuitive, because as far as I know, I've always been as transparent as I can be with the women I've been with. Now, the biggest regret I hold, what is eating at me is me not taking the appropriate response I feel I should've taken (going "polyamourous", openning up sexually) and trying to force whatever relationship I was in to yield the outcome I was after. I feel that I shot myself in the foot and I can't come to grasp with my past decisions. This is the origin of the resentment I hold inside. And I find it difficult now to go past that, to create a new reality where I am winning on my own terms, and where any woman I would be with is winning too. Feelings are my guiding compass when it comes to human relationships in general, and I know now that I need to go through a complete transformation, I know what I want but I don't know how to achieve it, consciously, like having a vision of who I wanna be and actually manifesting that.

@universe Everything you said applies to me actually, it's crazy how I have never seen all of it, any of it for that matter. I think I rate highly regarding all the needs you mentionned, thank you for the insights.

@Roy Assuming you are right about everything you said, and that basically all my insights and readings into my life events are utter bullshit I've made up to keep dysfunctional ego patterns going on and not do any real work to better my situation (this is not me taking things personally btw, so please chill and I'm not saying that I totally agree with you neither..) This stands out particularly to me, the first understanding that comes to my mind is something like this: "I have built up a narrative that basically puts all the blame (relationship wise) into others, so I can always walk out of any relationship related situation guilt free, and that has made it so that I never question my beliefs, maturity or integrity which in the short run always made me feel superior to others and that loop was the very thing my ego kept feeding on all this time. Now I am ready to let go of this belief because it no longer serves me." Okay, I see it now, doing this actually feels relieving. But I don't totally believe in this for some reason.. My past position still feels justified/true for some reason, it's as if the two realities are in a state of superposition. It's dropping one belief for another right ? do I keep overwriting the first belief until it dissolves? is this what you mean by letting go?

I'm aware that the title is broad, but I only started this thread after much reflection and not coming to real answers by myself, so I decided to seek any help I can find, knowing that no one I can reach to physically can help me, be it a therapist, friends, or even through deep meditation and some breakthrough psychedelic journeys (by help, I mean guidance, cues about where and how to look for answers). I'll try to give the maximum amount of detail in the coming phrases. I'm a 27y.o male, living somewhere in Africa, I grew up without a father and in a neglected family situation... never felt loved, appreciated or accepted for who I really am. And that made me turn inwards from a really young age, I was always quite, introspective, and I always saw through things, I came to some pretty deep insights about the nature of reality & God at a relatively young age (around 15 and even before) and that made me "immune" to the religious dogmas that existed around me. So in that sense, my "situation" was the catalyst that forged me. In that sense, I over developed in certain areas (mainly spirituality and artistic expression) but I could never put any of my talents into what I feel would be a real, tangible use, to put lightly, I always felt that I was psychologically fucked up from the get go, and no matter how much I try, I can't transform into who/what I wanna be, who I really am. About a year ago I had two massive LSD journeys in the span of one month, through these experiences I achieved a total non dual state, I was preparing for this (consciously) prior to that for the better part of the 2 years that preceeded those experiences, I knew exactly what I was doing since I saw how all the parts of the [meta-encompassing-system] worked, I HAVE FAITH, COURAGE, LOVE, (not to praise my ego, I have my share of flaws too obviously..) anyway, I feel like I had the answers I was looking for, I had them before, and they keep coming to me, but I can't bridge the infinite nature of consciousness, creation, expansion, with my everyday output, I know that there's no single answer that would act like a magical charm for me, but I feel limited, powerless, resentful and frustrated with my life. I have issues accepting certain parts of who I am, things I've been through, and sometimes I just go into total neglectedness (or self sabotage), like I just hope I would dissolve into nothingness, and I feel that would be the only REAL healing I can have. I lost faith in the ways of life, and I'm confused.. a lot. What I've been dealing with lately (and I don't know if this is a lie I keep telling myself, a game my ego is playing) is the fact that good & evil are seen in the same light through God, and that is making me uneasy to be around (even to myself). The way I see it is that integration of the dark side should be carried on with in the same way that light would be integrated. To avoid being misunderstood, I'm not thinking about commiting any violent acts or criminal activities. But sometimes I react in extreme ways.. And those feel totally justified. I know that many of things I said can be seen as serious psychological red flags, but it's not really, I can find my balance most of the time (by lowering my energies), but whenever I try to channel any sort of big energy to do anything "worthwhile" I crash. I don't believe in the zen way of simplicity either, I know what I want but I can't seem to get it. So my final question is, should I just totally give up? if so how can I do it? I know I am mainly fuelled by fantasies, but the way I see it is that reality permits everything as long one can and knows how to do it. Is this idea false? are we ultimately not free in deciding who we're becoming? Because the more time goes, the more this idea gets stuck in my mind that not only I should be COMPLETELY free to be who I always felt I am, and give my biggest contribution to the world, but that I should find a way to do it on my own terms, and only then shall I find peace, or atleast a semblance of it.. waiting for the real thing. I'm aware of the mash of words I just wrote (sorry for the confusion), it may would've been better to separate these issues into separate threads, but in my head it's really the same thing, all the issues I mentionned are related. In the end I just hope to get any insight I can have about any of the things I mentionned. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

@Nahm I really don't experience it this way, I'm not going towards the re-enacting of those experiences, they just arise. The way I see it is that as long as some part of my past keeps coming up to surface in the present moment, it means that I haven't fully seen, accepted and integrated it in it's entirety. All there is, is this moment, and whatever arises in this moment is whatever should arise in this moment, this is the way I understand experience. I don't try to pick and choose (most of the time), I just let the waves take me wherever they want to. So if reality is pointing something to me, whatever that may be, shouldn't that be taked into consideration?

@Leo Gura Thank you for pointing on the fact that I didn't ask any specific questions. I guess I was still working and untangling things out on my end. Now I see this thing clearly, and I have one specific question if you could help me with it. Not being grounded in reality/material results is just a symptom of a much bigger issue. I can't find forgiveness, I can't forgive certain "things" in my life and move beyond them, I'm very attune to my emotions, and almost daily I wake up with the same set of "themes", these themes involve situations, people and outcomes, and it messes up with my psychology, I can't seem to go beyond these things. I think I can understand forgiveness (on a meta/ intellectual level), and I see how important it is, but I just can't tap into it and feel it be geniunly true, and for that reason I somehow choose consciously to not forgive, and that is making me distant from people, like I feel that everyone is lying to me and to themselves. This distance ends up making me feeling even more alone and detached, and it makes the world feel unrelatable somehow, almost cruel, and all these factors combine and flourish in me in this persona that doesn't want to do anything worthwhile inspite of all the potential I have. I've done The Work by Byron Katie, I've seen the video where you covered forgiveness, I've done countless amounts of journaling, soul searching.. nothing seems to work. I've also tried to use this rage as some sort of fuel, and it works, but only for short bursts of time, it's not maintainable, so my question is, how do I find love back? how can I forgive myself and others and just move on with my life, at the point I'm at, I know that I need a true miracle of sorts, the ultimate grace, and my true nature being God I should be able to pull of that but it never seems to materialize.