Tristan12

Over the past few years I have become so passionate about spirituality, psychology and personal development, and at this point that is all I want to pursue and spend my time doing. Because of this I have lost interest in a lot of the other areas of life, including dating and relationships. I try to keep the other areas of my life balanced (I still exercise and take care of my health, I have friendships I maintain, I am working on my career, etc.) but dating and relationships is something that is not a part of my life and I don't have much interest in it becoming one. I can see the appeal in a deep romantic relationship, but still it's not something that I really want. For sex, if it fell in my lap I would take it but i'm not interested in it enough to go out and pursue it. I would rather focus on my work and the things i'm passionate about. The thing I am concerned about is that I have basically no experience in this area and I am wondering if it would be a hinderance to my development if it stayed that way. I'm 21 and I am a virgin and i've never been in a relationship. I know because I am young that I could definitely change my mind in the future, but i've already been this way for a few years and I'm just wondering if it would be a problem if I stayed this way. Even if I ended up having sex and getting into a relationship in the future, that still doesn't mean that i'd necessarily put in the time and effort to develop skills in that area, and i'd probably still be pretty underdeveloped. Do you think that the area of dating and relationships is something that is necessary for everyone to develop skill in whether they are interested in it or not? I'm curious to hear about this from people also deeply into spirituality who would understand why someone wouldn't be interested in this.

@The0Self I love that song. Its sooo nostalgic

@Gianna Can you recommend any books, videos or other resources on doing inner child work?

If you can't find it, just download it as an mp3 file and then you can listen to it

To me, what I love most about life and what makes life worth living, is Love itself. Spiritual, existential Love. I think after being through so much suffering in my life, I have become especially sensitive and receptive to Love, because it just means so much to me. At this point its all I really care about in life and all I want to pursue. I can't describe how good love makes me feel. I can't get over it's beauty and pure perfection, and I never will. It's more than just some pleasure or good feeling, its home, its the best thing possible, it's everything I've ever wanted and needed. I can't believe that something so good is possible, I just can't get over it. Love will always make life worth living no matter how much suffering you go through. I want to pursue Love endlessly till the day I die. THAT'S what I love about life.

I am not trying to counter what you're saying or get you to change what you believe, but from my view it seems that you are neck deep in shame from childhood that has not been resolved, and that is creating these beliefs you are holding. You really just need love deep down within you to be able to release that shame, and then you would think differently. That's just my opinion, but think what you want. Also, having a good childhood really doesn't tell you whether you were shamed or not, because shaming is usually not an obvious trauma but just an avoidance and dismissal of a child's emotions and needs, and that can happen so easily from parents who just don't know any better. It only needs to happen once for it to affect you. Wounding from shame also happens so early on that you wouldn't remember it.

There are lots of techniques out there for processing emotions from childhood but in my opinion most of them don't get to the root. My life purpose and my work is in psychology and the very thing I have been focusing on for the past 2 years is creating a process that heals childhood wounds at the deepest level to the point where they are resolved completely. The process I am creating would be the easiest and most direct root to this depth of healing (which is why I am creating it) but unfortunately I am not finished it yet. If you want you can follow my youtube channel where I post info on this stuff and will be posting my healing process once I am done: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9vkQMt-MlvK9Xvnf-JiggQ Teal Swan has a book called "the completion process" that leads to this type of healing. Her process is lengthy and can be difficult, which is why I am working on creating a simpler one, but it still works, so that's an option for you. Also check out this video, it explains how core trauma works and the general idea of what needs to happen to heal it: This type of healing can also be done through psychedelics. If you're interested in that, check out the book "psychedelic psychotherapy" by R. Coleman. Until then, I would just focus on learning how to treat your emotions better (which I have videos on on my channel). You need to learn to treat your shame/unworthiness like a hurt child, that you empathize with and understand, rather than something that's against you that you feel you need to counter or correct. It will make it much easier to deal with. Hopefully this is helpful to you. If you still have trouble with this I would be happy to help you 1 on 1 once my healing process is done. I want to get practice walking people through it.

At the deepest level, all feelings of unworthiness come from unprocessed shame from childhood. It can be healed, through deep emotional processing. If you want to heal completely, and not just cover it up or feel better on the surface, nothing you tell yourself about how worthy you are and no reasoning you come up with as to why you don't have to feel unworthy will help, because the core issue is a blocked and unprocessed emotion, which cannot be resolved by trying to think or rationalize your way out of it. This emotion needs to be faced, felt through, processed and integrated. It just needs love.

It's not the exact same but its pretty close

@Karmadhi He means find and follow your life purpose. When you do work that you are really passionate about, you won't have problems with motivation. Leo always talks about how the key to a great work ethic is having a really strong vision that supplies you with a really deep level of intrinsic motivation. This vision needs to be based on something you're extremely passionate about, something that touches your heart and really lights you up inside. Watch some of Leo's motivational videos and think about what really excites you about life, or think about taking his life purpose course if you haven't already. Maximizing your passion and motivation is the key to maximizing your work ethic. Of course you also need to learn discipline too, because you won't always be motivated, but motivation is the main thing. Something else that I don't hear talked about much for work ethic are internal blocks, such as emotional issues, past traumas, etc.. When you hold emotional blockages and parts of you are stuck in hurt and distress, often not every part of you will be on board for working hard, and you will always be partly pulled towards some sort of instant gratification or pleasure to soothe your pain, but of course that ends up wasting your time. That's why its important to do emotional healing and spiritual work to resolve any internal blockages and get every part of you focused and on board with your work. Not sure if this kind of thing is a problem for you, but it has been for me so I just wanted to mention it. If you can come up with a vision that you are ridiculously passionate about and really fires you up inside, and you are able to apply yourself to it fully without being pulled away by any sorts of distractions, limitations, health issues, etc., you will not have a problem with motivation/work ethic

@Preety_India Yeah I see what you mean, and I get how this is a subjective matter and its up to me how I feel about it. The reason I wanted to ask others is because i've never been in a relationship before so I only really know how I feel about it from the outside looking in, so I wanted to get some insight from other people on the value relationships provide to their lives even while deeply pursuing spirituality or other things to see how they feel about it. It's just something to think about. Plus I am young so I want to hear other people's perspectives who are older and have gone through more of life, because I know your opinions on these kinds of matters can change a lot as you get older. I just want to hear from people who have potentially been in my position and hear how things worked out for them.

Thank you everyone, I feel like I have gained some insight into what I want to do about this. I don't think I will be missing out on much by not pursuing dating and relationships if I am genuinely not interested in it, which at this point I'm not. If I change my mind in the future and decide its something I want to pursue, then I will start working on it, but for now at least I can be confident that i'm not making a bad decision by avoiding this area of life as its something that just isn't that important to me

40 rules of love by Elif Shakaf Also any of Rumi's poems are really great

It's not really like that, avoiding the entire domain of dating and relationships isn't the same as something like not going on a trip somewhere and not having that experience. Relationships are a central component of human life so its a bigger deal to miss out on something like that, and there could be consequences. This isn't coming from unnecessary doubt or confusion. I am not interested in having a relationship or pursuing that area in my life, but I want to be sure that I am not making a mistake by avoiding that area that will impair me down the road or lead to regret. I want to make sure I am making a good decision and am not just going about it blindly

@Preety_India I'm not shaming myself for not wanting a relationship, nor am I wondering if I should want a relationship just because everyone else does, I am wondering if its a strategic error for me to avoid and neglect this area of my life and if there will be consequences down the road if I do

@bejapuskas My main concern is if being totally unexperienced in an area of life that is generally considered crucial would negatively affect my life just because I lack the understanding and perspective of what its like to be in a relationship. I feel like it might make it harder for me to understand and relate to people if I am missing that experience myself, and if it would affect my development and growth as a person if I am missing such an Important area of life. I don't know if what I am concerned about here doesn't matter and doesn't make much of a difference, which is why I want to hear from people who are older and who have more experience around this to see what they think. In terms of cravings for it, I genuinely don't think I have any. I wouldn't have a problem with it if I did desire it, and I see the importance of letting myself engage in it and get it out of my system for burning through karma, but I just don't have any cravings for it. So I really don't feel like i'm bullshitting myself here. Also if cravings ever did arise in the future, I could just work through them then.

@Roy I get that for other areas of life, such as health or finances, were they are essential no matter who you are and if you neglect them, problems will arise, but for something like romantic relationships it genuinely doesn't feel like something I want, so I don't see how that would negatively affect my life if i didn't have it. This is what I am wondering. If I never develop experience in romantic relationships, even if I genuinely don't want it, will it still have an affect on my life, and if so, what would that be?

I 100% agree.

So if all other people in my experience are a creation of my own mind, does that mean they are not real at all? Does that mean that they don't have their own direct experience? I know you have no proof or experience of their direct experience, but does that mean that they are not actually conscious beings and would feel no pain if I hurt them or something, like a character in a video game? This is the part of solipsism that confuses me

Enduring deep suffering will burn out all shallower desires and drive one towards Love, Truth and awakening. That's why your soul might choose to design your life that way, it's to lead you towards the highest love. As to why people go through deep suffering but don't end up awakening or end up dying soon after, maybe it's just for soul progression to lead you to awakening in another life time, if you believe in that "When God loves people, he afflicts them. If they endure with fortitude, he chooses them." - Rumi

@ZenSwift If you read through the trip report he linked, the person was listening to Alan Watts

@tedens Wow. That's crazy

These videos of Leo's may be helpful to you: https://youtu.be/zGDGobqibDc https://youtu.be/Jar8Pd5oo_s https://youtu.be/9PjZB9CoFfs

A few weeks ago I was contemplating something about the nature of love and I had this huge insight that really changed my perspective on things. It felt like more than just an insight and more like a direct experience because my perspective and direct experience changed so radically. I basically realized why you can love anything when in a high enough state of consciousness. I saw that at a Being level, the reason you would love something is totally different than why a human would love something. Humans love things because they serve them or appeal to their survival in some way, and anything that goes against that, they can't love. In a higher state of consciousness where survival is not a concern and there is only Being, having a preference for one thing over another is ridiculous and completely unnecessary. I realized that when you say that you could love something like being ugly as well as being attractive, its not just the case that you are not against being ugly and you could accept and embrace it if you were ugly, but if you had the choice you would still choose to be attractive, its actually that there is literally no benefit whatsoever to being attractive over being ugly, from a Being perspective, and you can desire to be ugly just as much as you might desire to be attractive. At this level the thing that makes you love is not how the thing can benefit you, you love it for what it is, as a part of yourself, you being the whole and everything. You love and desire negative things just as much as the positives because it is just another way of being yourself and embracing yourself, and just being able to do that is what makes you love. This was a huge shift in perspective for me realizing this, and I find that even weeks later after that realization I have had quite a large shift in my ability to love seemingly negative things that would have been a lot harder to love before. I just wanted to share this with you guys and see if you had any input.

Be careful using spiritual truths to deal with unprocessed emotions and trauma. Some people might disagree with me on this but in my opinion all emotional issues can and should only be dealt with on a human level and spiritual truths should not be brought into it, because they end up just being a cover for the emotions, and you think you have worked through them or resolved them but actually they are still there. I'm speaking from experience. Unprocessed emotions and traumas (especially something like shame which comes from core childhood wounds) need emotional processing and release to be fully healed and integrated. Nothing you tell yourself can substitute for that, it cannot be rationalized away. It might make you feel better on the surface but it won't fully heal you.