soos_mite_ah

Nihilism Part 7: Spiral Dynamics Stage Yellow: I know in a previous post I mentioned that a lot of the cultural nihilism we're experiencing is due to late stage capitalism and the excesses of stage Orange. I do stand by that. However, as I'm evaluating the ways that cultural nihilism manifests in my life personally, I think part of it is because I moved to / was exposed to stage Yellow from age 19, which is pretty young. It's great in the sense that I didn't get trapped in Green and I am able to see past it, and also ground myself in the spiral chaos/ ego backlash state that we're in as a society now. Sprial Dynamics has helped navigate this shit storm that has been the 2020s and I'm proud to say that the empathy that it has allowed me to cultivate and the big picture understanding it gave me has helped me stop friends from getting radicalized by shit like the crunchy to alt right pipeline or by Sprinkle Sprinkle feminism for example. At the same time, I think it took a way this sense of stage Green optimism and fighting spirit in me. I think after I found Sprial Dynamics back in 2019, i started getting this attitude of *I'm better than these other students who feel the need to protest and get involved on campus because I see the bigger picture and I know that none of this really matters.*And sure, it's great that I never got super swept up by any one ideology. But at the same time, you can have as much of a systemic, big picture analysis as you want, that's not going to change the fact that you're one small person and small actions matter too, probably more so than big actions. Like, I think it's kind of hypocritical that I care about various social issues to study them but I'm not doing anything hands on like volunteering, protesting, phone banking, annoying represenatives etc. Instead I'm journaling and having an existential crisis in the corner. I think I also picked up on this hubris of *I'm too good to engage with the infighting of tier 1 and I'm not going to fight back or argue.* Part of it I believe is stage Yellow not feeling the need to constantly prove themselves like the previous stages. But I think part of it is also cowardice on my part. I'm not great at debates or at engaging with certain kinds of people. If I can sense that a discussion isn't being done in good faith, I mentally check out. And while that is valid in terms of having personal boundaries, I think for me personally, it stops me from confronting people and situations where i need to stand up for myself, my values, and the people around me. And this lack of engagement, not with toxic beliefs, but this lack of engagement with life itself is part of the problem that breeds cultural nihilism. Sure, it's uncomfortable to deal with certain people or situations, but it's important to know how to meet people where they're at and engage in healthy conflict management / conflict resolution. And yes, disengaging is a tool you can use for healthy conflict management and resolution, but it shouldn't be the only tool in your tool kit. Finally, I think another downside of stage Yellow is the way that it prioritizes nuance. I think nuance is overall a good thing in most situations as it helps you evaluate various perspectives to create a more integrated, holistic solution and it helps you have more constructive conversations. But, I also think there is a time and a place for it. I found this video that illustrates the problems with having a nuanced approach to everything and how it can be misapplied: I recommend watching the whole video. I think to sum it up, the video presents this following point made in the end from 42:10 to 43:33: I know Leo in his video on Stage Yellow talks about how taking on multiple perspectives and having a neutral stance isn't the same as seeing all perspectives as having the same value, nor is it falling for the neutrality bias where you take the middle road on everything. I think this video on the misapplication of nuance can build on that more that just because something is built up to be super complicated, that doesn't mean that it's helpful in the situation at hand and that we shouldn't have a bias towards nuance away from simplicity. And I think that this nuance trap is something that I find myself falling into at times and it can become a breeding ground for apathy, complacency, and nihilism, especially in the bolded parts above. I think I'm especially seeing it in my corporate job. I think that given that we're living in such polarized times and most of us are just trying to do our jobs so that we can get on with our lives, that it's best to avoid political conversations. I have a few coworkers who give off conspiracy theorist vibes, not to the Qanon extent, but more so in a *I believe that there is a puppeteer engineering everything going on and all the elections are pre-decided since I don't know how things really work* kind of way. I also notice some coworkers who have logic and facts but who cannot apply it in an appropriate context or sociologically cognizant way and as a result, they're coming to weird conclusions. And I usually try to disengage with these situations because I know that saying something could cause a fight and harm my professional relationships and because I feel like work is not really a social setting where you can have nuanced conversations. I feel like work, if you're trying to remain professional, is mainly a place where you keep things light and surface level because you don't want to probe into people's lives and boundaries so that there isn't unnecessary messiness that can get in the way of your productivity. But at the same time, I don't feel comfortable to let certain things that my coworkers say just slide because I feel like it reinforces a sense of complacency, even if it's just within myself. So it's like I find myself immobilized where I know that having the typical stage Green response where I'm going off on someone or getting weirded out isn't the answer, but at the same time, there isn't enough time and we're not in an appropriate setting for the nuanced Yellow response. And as a result, I fall into the nuance trap where I'm sitting there overthinking and overcomplicating things since my coworker said something that has 20 different things wrong at once and that causes me to act too little, too late, and too slowly. I always thought of myself as too stage Green when I first found Sprial Dynamics because I related to most of what was being said. And at age 19, that was true and I did need to go back an integrate parts of the previous stages and expose myself to Yellow. But I do think that given this existential crisis I'm experiencing around nihilism, that perhaps this is a part of stage Green that I have yet to fully integrate such as the importance of taking seemingly small action, learning to engage with tier 1 conflicts in an effective way rather than always running away or mediating from a place of hubris, and by not falling into the nuance trap. Tier 1: I also found this video to be particularly insightful in the way that cultural nihilism is showing up when talking to median voters in the upcoming NYC Mayoral election: I like the way that Vaush emphasizes the virtue of being curious and looking things up, even if it's as basic as who is running and what their positions are, because a lot of people don't even do the bare minimum. There is also a part where one person being interviewed mentions that they don't bother voting because they don't think it matters and because they don't agree with the system. And I like that Vaush called that out as apathy and cultural nihilism masquerading as being enlightened and rebellious. While I don't agree with the individual who said that they don't vote, I can empathize with his sentiment and also see how that dynamic of cultural nihilism masquerading as being enlightened and rebellious manifests in my life and attitudes. I also like the way that you can view this video and it shows how this cultural nihilism is showing up across race, gender, and socioeconomic background. I feel like this was a good sample and jumping off point for anecdotes and real life manifestions of the nihilism compared to Vaush's first video on cultural nihilism. As a result, I find myself reflecting on the ways that cultural nihilism can manifest throughout the sprial. Here is just a rough draft of thoughts: Stage Green: The nihilism can come from not seeing change soon enough and getting burnt out in the process of seeing chaos constantly ensue (i.e. compassion fatigue, overstimulation, feeling like things are just getting worse with no end in sight). It can also masquarade as being rebellious and not wanting to take part in a system (i.e all of the leftist who don't do anything other than fight each other on Twitter) Stage Orange: The nihilism can come from a lack of humanness in the world around you due to automation because you have essentially outsourced human satisfaction to technology (i.e. using Ai for all of your assignments instead of taking the time to learn, replacing hobbies and critical thinking with scrolling and consumerism, getting too comfortable and distracted to act, the difference between walking and driving places, aiming for efficiency and convenience rather than beauty, mindfulness, etc.) Stage Blue: The nihilism can come from an attitude of only caring about your immidiate family and literallly nothing else (i.e. nothing is important unless it affects me personally at my doorstep, conspiratorial thinking, a lack of epistemological literacy to where you're not verifying any sources and you're engaging in magical thinking/ peasant brain).

Just created yet another journal since my other journal was getting too long. I've also been wanting a new start and a new space since my last journal was started way back in 2021 when my life was very different from where I'm at right now. Here are my two previous journals for a quick reference/ recap: Psychoanalyzing Myself: 9/1/2021- 12/25/2024 The Joy Journal: 7/19/2020 - 9/7/2021

I was rewatching both of the spiral dynamics videos and I'm trying to pinpoint the difference between being triggered at yellow vs being triggered at green. If you need a refresher of what the triggers are, I found a couple of good posts that highlights it so that you don't have to shift through the original videos: Here is a short list of some Stage Green triggers: Injustice and inequality Oppression of minorities The status quo and hierarchies of power When religion is used to justify oppression Human rights abuses Racism Bigotry Fascism Neo-Nazis The K K K Unchecked capitalism Consumerism Corporate Greed Here is a short list of Stage Yellow triggers: The blindness and infighting of tier 1 Yellow will feel frustrated of the lack of progress and backwardness that exists all around the world! As a Yellow person you will rarely find likeminded individuals, you won't be represented in the media, on the internet, in politics, you have to be prepared for a world which isn't ready to accommodate you! Black and white thinking, because Yellow is exactly the opposite which is means Yellow is a nuanced thinker Non-Systemic thinking, people who think too short term Excessive rationalism, reductionism, scientism People who turn science into a religion or dogma Frustrated will all kinds of dogmatic and ideological people Conformity and groupthink Polarization Demonization Radicals and radicalization People who don't understand spiral dynamics Consumerism and profiteering Religion can trigger Yellow I guess my thing is that if a stage yellow person is triggered by demonization and the infighting of tier 1, wouldn't that also yield them to be triggered at the face of racism, human rights abuses, and the KKK since those are forms of demonization and by products of the infighting of tier 1? I'm sure there is some overlap (consumerism shows up in both for instance) between what triggers green vs what triggers yellow since we're in a very stage orange and blue heavy world. But I'm just trying to draw the distinctions between the two stages. Is it the degree of emotionality they exhibit when they are "triggered." How are we defining being "triggered?" Is it the way that they conduct themselves and utilize things like conflict resolution and conflict management skills?

This is definitely the spark notes version since it's been about 6 years since I remember discussing this in college but ethnocentrism is a natural by product of a group defining their collective identity by separating an in group and our group. Having a collective identity can aid in organizing people and societies by giving people a sense of belonging and a sense that they're contributing to a greater whole. Eventually, this can turn into nationalism which is crucial for state building and the creation of different countries. Countries are created through nationalism because it groups people together in a more cohesive unit where they pay taxes for their society and militaristically defend the in group from the out group. Of course, this can become an excess once a society has reached a place where the state is clearly defined and is actually a cohesive country. I can see the necessity of nationalism and ethnocentrism in Iraq for example as it is a failed state of sorts, and you kind of need a strong man to round everyone together into a cohesive unit. However, in a country like the U.S. ethnocentrism and nationalism can easily become unhealthy and excessive since we are well past the state that Iraq is in.

I guess if we're going with the KKK member example, granted I'm not an expert on KKK members, but I can understand what factors in their life might have lead them to think that way (socioeconomic issues, indoctrination, the types of people they're around, all the ways that their environment normalizes and encourages racism, some other kind of trauma etc.) and how as a result, the views themselves reflects some kind of truth (i.e. sociological insight, how a lot of white Americans since they aren't in touch with their heritage, the resort to embracing the system the upholds the hiearchy as some identity of whiteness etc.) I believe that observing extreme ideologies like this can be insightful in the way that they expose finer nuances in society and human behavior by taking those nuances and blowing them up by 1000x so that you can take a closer look. Nevertheless, of course white supremacy is wrong and harms a lot of people and it goes without saying that I can understand where that ideology goes wrong.

I can see that. Funny enough, that's the same exercise I use whenever I'm dealing with someone difficult, KKK member or not. I'm not some how special because of the conclusions I have come to and the life path I have taken because if I was in a different situation with a different background and personality, I could've easily ended up like that. Hell, I'm sure I'll understand that in another life since I am the universe experiencing itself lol. How would you differentiate these two? I agree. I guess sometimes I wonder if's just a personal boundary or if I'm conflict avoident in certain situation. I watched some of Dr. K's content from HealthyGamerGG where he talks to incels for example and it's interesting to watch him navigate that without resorting to disengaging with the person, getting triggered, or triggering the other person. I like to use his interactions and his aproach to various issues as more of a lay person example of what yellow can look like. Granted he is a trained psychologist so his approach to engaging with people is a testament of that and I shouldn't compare myself and my reactions to similar situations to him, but it's still insightful.

So it's more about the steps in which one took to latch on to a certain ideology (or the act of latching on to ideology itself) and not being able to epistemically back it up in a coherent, well thought out way, rather than the perspective itself? Because I've met leftists who are more well educated / integrated versus leftists who just picked up by their environment for example and it feels like a night and day difference in terms of interactions. I guess it would also be the difference of proximity and actual liklihoood of harm. Like I'm afraid of serial killers and I don't want to encounter one but I'm not exactly panicing about it all the time where I have 50 locks in my house, I'm scared of going out at night, or whatever the people who tend to binge on True Crime podcasts do lol.

That makes sense. It's more about the dynamics and the conflict itself rather than the individuals at play from what I'm understanding. This is definitely a personal thing but I think I'm at a place where I can see a racist and not demonize them in the sense that I know that they are human beings who deserve basic rights and that there is a host of systemic reasons that yield a person to be like this. But if I was in a conversation with a KKK member and they start saying something crazy or they start yelling at me, I think I would freeze up and not know how to engage with that situation. Also, just in general, when I find myself in situations like this where I can sense that someone is deeply entrenched in a toxic mindset or worldview, my instinct is to disengage and distance myself rather than trying to convince/ lecture them. Maybe that's me being triggered, or maybe that's the most effective way to deal with some people, idk.

But isn't racism for example one of the many forms of Tier 1 stupidity? Or are you saying that a general, common sense of stupidity is more triggering than edge cases that you don't tend to find out in the wild that often?

The Importance of Inconvenience

Nihilism Part 6: A Better World is Possible As established in previous parts, though I can have checked out vegetable tendencies, I'm not a complete lost cause. I am intellectually and socially engaged enough to have a cohesive world view / morals and decent political takes. My nihilism doesn't extend into an over all disdain for life like a lot of alt-right individuals who want to defund everything except the military industrial complex because they're essentially a death cult. I do believe that a better world is possible and that we have the solutions to tackle a large portion of today's problems from climate change, the lonliness epidemic, economic austerity etc. However, implementing the solutions is much harder than coming up with the solutions based on studies and observations of what other places around the world handle their affairs because of things like corporate lobbying and taxes that benefit the richest among us. I'm not completely doomer pilled because I do look at a lot of the issues today and I do see ways that they can be fixed. But while I do believe that a better world is possible emotionally and intellectually, I feel like my actions indicate otherwise. I don't act like I believe a better world is possible because I believed that with every fiber in my being, I would probably take the streets to protest or have a more active role in my local government to enact the changes that I believe are possible. What's stopping me? It's the nihilism. It's the notion that a normal person like me cannot make meaningful changes however small. It's the notion that even if I can make a small change that it's not sufficent in addressing larger problems. And sure, those small actions might barely make a dent, but that doesn't mean that it's pointless to take action. It's weird. I'm detached from outcome enough to be nihilistic and not have a clear sense of direction to where cynicism and disillusionment flourish. But at the same time, I'm not detached from outcome enough to take action. I think another issue that contributes to my personal experience of nihilism is me discovering Spiral Dynamics a bit too early. I think it was good for me because it gave me a path to develop more as a person and address my biases so that I can move past stage Green. But I think in doing so, there are some aspects of stage Green that I skipped. Yes, I did get swept up in various social causes when I was teenager and sure I was kind of insufferable as a result. I needed to move into Yellow more to be able to associate with many different kinds of people even if they don't align with me politically and to be more in touch with systemic issues and their solutions. At the same time, I didn't go deep enough into Green to where my passion for various social causes created the impetus to go out and advocate for my beliefs. This is really petty but I remember when I first discovered Spiral Dynamics at 19, that I looked at all of the other stage Green people in my college who would get involved in various social causes on campus, who would volunteer, and who would go out as protest and see them as naive because they aren't actually making change. And sure, you can argue that they're not addressing the root causes of a lot of the issues they are advocating the solutions of. But at least they were doing something. Wheras I sat on my stage Yellow high horse and did nothing except have an existential crisis in the corner. I'm not saying stage Yellow doesn't care or is too dispassionate (a well integrated Yellow also integrates the stage Green optimism and passion). But what I'm saying is that while I am leaning towards Yellow, part of the reason that I haven't integrated it fully is because I have yet to integrate the passion in Green because I essentially skipped over it when I first discovered Sprial Dynamics. I think the cultural nihilism is a by product of having stage Orange as the center of gravity of a society. The nihilism problem isn't as prevalent in more stage Blue centric society because meaning is found in family, your community, hardwork, religion, priciples etc. A lot of these stage Blue countries are also not economically developed enough to reach the cap, so as a result, the people in those societies see an infinite sky of posibilites as they grow and develop while the stage Orange countries see the ceiling of those possibilities. I think swinging back to Green addresses some of the issues with Orange and how it feels hollow. It doesn't address everything but it certainly helps since like Blue, Green is more principled and is more collectivistic and community oriented compared to Orange.

Nihilism Part 5: Factors that Contribute to the Nihilism + Addressing Them I have wrote multiple parts about this and tied it to previous posts that I have written on. I'm just jotting down my thoughts here regarding the factors that I'm observing in cultural nihilism personally in my own life as well as broadly in a collective sense. 1. I was already in a job that I didn't find fulfilling from the get go so even though I had healthy habits, i still had an underlying feeling of purposelessness. 2. Detachment from outcome can be good to maintain a good pace to keep going with something meaningful but if we are too detached from outcome, then it can feel kind of aimless and pointless. For me personally, I think I need to go back to the way I was back when I was a teenager where I spoke up for myself more, where I had more confidence in my ability to change the world around me. Sure, back then, the confidence came from a naive place but I think I can still cultivate that within myself despite the realities I have been exposed to. 3. Getting your materialistic comforts fufilled creates more and more of this underlying feeling of purposelessness for me because it cuts the distractions. At the same time, when some people use materialistic comforts to further pacify themselves and rather it fufilling some needs, their material desires become a black hole of sorts. 4. Being exposed to the horrors of the world can lead to cynicism and desensitization to what's happening which then blunts your emotions and your ability to react. It's also made worse when things are so big picture that it feels like there isn't anything you can do from your tiny perspective to help things, especially when so much money is involved to keep things the way they are. I think this affects everyone to an extent. It affects people like me in a bullshit corporate job where we're watching things go down but we still are expected to slave away in our dumb tasks. It affects people who do have meaningful jobs that go up against these horrors (think teachers, social workers, nurses etc.) but they're flooded with cases yet there is no financial support in funding these projects and they're also understaffed. So as a result, it feels like an endless flow of cases without the reward for dealing with them nor an end in sight. It affects people at the top because they're removed from these realities and pacified via comfort to where it's tempting to continue pacifying themselves by making their next million dollars rather than doing something that is impactful. 5. The post modern atmosphere of deconstructing and challenging narratives creates a climate where cultural nihilism can thrive in because it's not creating a new narrative to replace things which then comes with a sense of lack of sincerity and meaning. And you can argue that's also a problem with the left at this time politically because there isn't a grand narrative or purpose for politicians to do what's actually good for their constituents rather they're worried about their own careers and pocketbooks that lobbyists line them with. I think my post titled "Ambitions of an Anti-Capitalist" is me acknowledging the narrative of the American Dream that I have desconstructed but at the same time, I'm trying to create a new "dream" or narrative to follow. 6. Isolation and a lack of community is the fertilizer for the nihilism to grow. And there are a lot of things in American society breeds a sense of isolation even if you do have friends and family. I'm talking about things like the nuclear family, the suburbs, car centric infrastructure etc. 7. Disillusionment is a big factor contributing to the cultural nihilism. In the video, Vaush talks about how in developing countries, it feels like there are limitless possibilities and the sky's the limit where the more you educate yourself and work on yourself, the more the world opens up to you wheras in first world countries, it's more like a ceiling that you can see the end of even if you aren't close to the roof. I think there is an undercurrent of disillusionment that I experienced as I became an adult. I started dealing with the unpredictability of real life and I was exposed to a vast array of people outside my small town and that dampened the naive sense of confidence I had in myself and my ability to make a difference. I am experiencing disillusionment when it comes to dealing with social issues and justice getting served. I have been exposed to highly educated and wealthy people and while their lives are materially wealthy, most of them are kind of eh as a person or they're like actual villains because after a certain point, wealth gives you brain rot. I feel disillusioned with democracy itself and the way that it has been corrupted by money. I also feel like I have encountered my own sense of disillusionment in real time this weekend when I went to go tour the Dallas Cowboys stadium. There was a specific moment in the tour where we went to one of the luxury suits where people can rent out to watch whatever sporting game, concert, or event that was going on. I remember walking in the suite and thinking how it's just a little bit smaller than my apartment. I remember sitting in the faux leather seats and thinking it was nothing special. I remember seeing the marble counter tops where you can rest your snacks or belongings and not thinking much of it. Don't get me wrong, this is pretty wild considering the average seat in a stadium is plastic and a pain to get in and out of. But also, that's kind of the experience, right? Being in this luxury suite made me feel removed from the experience of the stadium itself rather than heightening the experience. The elements that made it luxurious were things that I have encountered in other areas of my life so it wasn't like I was exposed to a lot of novelty sensually if that makes sense. All and all, I walked out thinking about how I don't see the point of spending $15-$30k for each seat. Spending $30k in a seat for a luxury suit versus spending $300 is not going to make the game more exciting or the music sound better. Sure, the $30k seats are more convenient in that the seats might feel nicer, you have more room, and you can essentially have a little party with food there. But that convenience I feel like is at the cost of actually being in the action and taking in the experience. 8. Excessive convenience takes the whimsy out of life and fucks up your dopamine receptors. It's more fulfilling and whimsical to read a good book and actively use your head versus scrolling on tiktok where the content is just spoon fed to you via the algorithm. It's more fufilling to have a 15 min walk to school rather than a 15 min drive. It's more fulfilling to go to the grocery store yourself, meander the halls, and maybe talk to a person than to have everything delivered to you via instacart. It's more fufilling to go out of your way and talk to a friend for 10 min about how their day is going in person rather than texting them. It's more fulfilling to actuallly take the time to learn the material in your classes than to use chat gpt for all of your assignments. I could go on but you get the point. What to do from here: Cut down on your online media consumption and social media consumption and replace them with hobbies or just plain doing nothing. Socialize with people more and active put yourself out there. Don't let the fact that you don't feel like it be an excuse. Get a different job that utilizes your degree in some way. Your current job is existentially horrible for you. Read more books. Actually engage your mind when taking in new information. Fix your attention span so that you're not some kind of zombie. Find ways to get more politically active. Stop crying about the state of the world in a corner. Move to a walkable city. I don't care if its going to be more expensive and if doing things like the laundry and groceries are going to be a pain. Do it. Actionable steps to do the above: I'm going to replace my smartphone with like a blackberry or something so that I can still text people but I cannot use social media. I have tried setting limits, deleting apps, etc. but nothing has worked so far. Youtube isn't the worst thing so I'm not going to fully cut it off but if I really want to do something on Youtube, I will have to do it on my laptop. Start reading book in place of scrolling. Aim for 1 book every 2 weeks. Join your local DSA and show up to the events. Use this way to engage with a community with like minded people who actually do something other than hang out on the internet all day. I'm going to look into the job and moving aspect later when I feel a little bit more like I have a handle on things and I feel less like a nihilistic vegetable.

Nihilism Part 4: Seeds and Sprouts I have been reading over my past journal entries from my previous journal to do some psychological archaeology as to where this feeling of nihilism is coming from and how long it has been in the shadows of my mind before coming to the forefront. I feel like this exercise helped me see the common thread that is connecting a lot of my previous post which is still something that I'm grappling with and trying to figure out. March 6th 2023: Coping with Capitalism Pt. 1 I feel like the seeds of discontent has been present from the moment I accepted this job. I always knew that this was going to be at a company that I stay at for a few years, get some work experience, get a few promotions, and then move on to what I actually wanted to do. I also had back then and maintained a decent standard of living habitually where I'm taking care of my mental health, I'm working out, I'm hanging out with friends, I'm nurturing my hobbies/ interests etc. but nevertheless, there is this underlying sense of meaninglessness. I also had a lot of free time during this part of my career since I was training, I didn't have many responsibilities in my role, and because this was when we had healthier management practices. And what did I do with that free time? I rotted away with video essays and short form content. It reminds me of the part in the Vaush video I keep referencing on how even if we improve people's material conditions like give them health care, time off, livable wages, that there is still this underlying cultural nihilism. That doesn't mean that those things aren't worth fighting for but there is something else in the air that isn't getting addressed. And yeah, I think it's pretty cool that I had like a solid 8 months in this job where it wasn't stressful at all, I was probably doing like 4 hours of actual work each day, I had financial stability, and I got out of my chaotic home environment. It was what I needed to rewire my brain from the tumultous times that I experienced up until that point. At the same time, I think the fact that I experienced this and I still had that affect of the cultural nihilism kind of demystified the notion of doing very little work, having good money, and leading a life that is more comfortable than fulfilling. Yes, I do think that people deserve to have a life where they don't have to struggle unnecessarily but at the same time, removing struggle isn't going to ignite or sustain the fire inside of you. And you can also have that fire inside of you even if you're struggling as well. I feel like since I wrote this post, the effects of the cultural nihilism has bloomed ten fold. Back then, it was dampened by the fact that I craved stability and that I was enjoying the boring aspects of this slower, healthier life. Now, the craving as been satiated so the nihilism is in the forefront. Existential dread due to political unrest does steal the spot light every now and then to where I start thinking that stability and monotony is the answer, but then I remember back when I had the stability and monotony just by itself and that didn't feel too great either. Nevertheless, I feel like the existential, political dread still complements the character of nihilism in this play of my life which I'm going to explore further as I talk about other posts. March 8th 2023: Coping Under Capitalism Part 2 : A Grain of Salt I talk a lot about detachment from outcome in the context of life purpose and how I find myself integrating that lesson within my life. I think it's good that I was able to integrate this lesson well in the way that I've demystified life purpose so I'm seeing this as an unreachable thing that is put on a pedestal, nor am I trying to put all my fulfillment eggs in the career basket. I think it has also helped me to reconcile with how building a fulfilling life isn't always going to fun and how you're really doing the work for the sake of doing the work day by day. At the same time, I think part of me went to far in the other direction when I demystified my life purpose by detaching from outcome to where I lost a sense of passion along the way. And that is something that I want to rediscover and cultivate. I compared life purpose like dating and getting married in the other articles I linked within the article above. And yes, it's important to find something sustainable and something that is pratical instead of thinking with your loins when selecting a relationship or thinking with a fleeting interest when thinking about career matters and eventually, it's important that you settle one way or another. But that doesn't mean that passion isn't part of that equation. The detachment element is important so that you can mantain the stamina to keep going, but you do need to have something powering you that is deeper than that. November 8th 2023: Materialism Here I talk about how during the time I was writing this, I fulfilled a lot of my materialistic desires and I'm also dealing with the grief and existential crisis that came with viewing the genocide in Gaza on a regular basis for a month or so. I feel like the nihilism that I felt during the first few months of the genocide is this angry nihilism where I'm like *WTF AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE? THE WORLD IS BURNING AROUND ME AND I'M DOING MY STUPID LITTLE TASKS.* While the anger since has subsided as I processed my grief, the underlying nihilism still remained. I did talk about burning through material karma at this point and how I'm mostly there and I feel like that rings even more true now that I was able to travel a little more and I got the surgery done. And burning through my material desires does then reveal the underlying sense of nihilism more. November 10th 2023: Cynicism and Desensitization I was writing this mostly in relation to the genocide in Gaza. At the same time, I feel like the same points I expressed in this point can be applied to a lot of things in this political environment. I think part of the reason why we have this cultural nihilism is that there has been a slow decay of our rights and our labor protections which numbed us out to where now that we're living in a time when things are crumbling around us, we're all in this pacified state. And it's really this feature of our brain trying to protect us so that we don't lose it and we can get the daily tasks we have done. I think my desire to understand this cultural nihilism and how it shows up in my life is my way of trying to unpack, understand, and confront the cynical and desensitized tendencies that have become a path of least resistance in this country. January 3rd 2024: 1 Year Working in my Corporate Job The fact that I felt dread during my 1 year at this job, andI also felt this way at the 2 year mark even more intensely (and I could argue that I'm feeling this way at the 2.5 year mark exactly) says a lot. I think part of the 1 year mark in relation to what I was feeling was the growing pains of adjusting to working life. But part of it is the cultural nihilism of how I don't have any semblance of passion in what I do 8 hours of the day. And I'm not saying that I need an uber exciting job with no boring days, but I'm saying that for me, there needs to at lease be a little somethin somethin to make me want to get out bed in the morning other than the threat of losing my income. January 7th 2024: The Dread I feel like much of this post had to do with my anxieties about becoming an adult and dealing with adult problems ranging from losing your parents / taking care of a loved one through their final chapers of life, dealing with polticial and economic turmoil, and delaing with financial issues which then impacts a lot of areas of satisfaction in your life in very fundamental ways. I still feel like I resonate with a lot of these anxieties, mainly the family related ones, but I also feel like I worked through a lot by healing my relaitonship to my finances and getting used to the type of money I am making (that can be its own post). I think the dread I felt around new years in 2024 was still there in 2025 for different reasons. I think a lot of the dread in 2024 was from the fact that it was an election year and that we're complicit in a genocide. The dread in 2025 has to do with still being in this genocide and now also having Trump as president which has been fun so far. Nevertheless, the way that this post relates to my feelings of nihilism is that I have worked through my financial panic to where I can detach from worrying as much about finances and stability to where I can prioritize fulfillment more. That's not to say that I'm going to settle for a job that might be fulfilling but doesn't pay the bills, or a similar impulsive decision, but it is to say that getting my financial anxieties under control has helped me focus my energy elsewhere. January 28th 2024: Romanticizing the Past (Again): 70s-90s Edition I mainly talked about why the 70s-90s appealed to me personally but I also touch on a point on why media from the time period feels different compared to now via a video essay I linked. Essentially, the video essay was talking about how modern movies differ from post-modern movies, where the former is more optimistic and straightforward in building a narrative whlie the latter is filled with irony, nihilism, references on references which seek to desconstruct the narrative. I think the culture of nihilism has been cultivated by post-modernism and it's lead us to this *avoid being cringy and earnest at any cost* attitude. The video also talks about meta-modernity and how that combines the deconstruction of narrative and the sillyness of post-modernism with the sincerity of modernism. Meta-modernity is still being defined so it's still shakey but I think that feelings of nostalgia and the longing for it can sometimes relate to wanting to escape from this amorophous cultural nihilism that post modernism brings. February 12th 2024: Doomer, Bloomer, Gloomer In this post, I talked about how the gloomy disposition I had constrasts to the anti-capitalist doomer spirals I would go in when I was in college during the pandemic. I think this was me yet again hitting against the cultural nihilism while not knowing how to best articulate it. As a result, I just defaulted to memes lol. May 18th 2024: One Must Imagine Sisyphous Happy + May 30th 2024: May 2024 I remember that while I was writing both of these posts that I was in a place where the monotony of my corporate job was really getting to me. I was also unpacking a lot of limitting beliefs that I had about myself and my career during this time as well in order to figure out what I really wanted to do. I think the monotony does contribute to the feeling of cultural nihilism and the answer to it can lie in absurdism or existentialism. I feel like taking the idea of "one must imagine Sisyphous happy" and the notion that you should live life well rather than living a good life has been helping me deal with the cultural nihilism and combat it on a very personal level. I feel like the existential crisis I'm having right now regarding cultural nihilism and how to deal was also really taking sprout at this time whereas the previous posts were the seeds/water. June 22nd 2024: Feeling 17 Here I talk about what feeling 17 means and how I had that feeling for much of my early 20s but I don't anymore. I talked about how I had a naive sense of confidence where I thought I could do anything because I was socially aware, an academic weapon, and I was relatively self aware and often avoided the mistakes my peers were making because I was super into self development. As a result, I had a little bit of a grandiose sense of self at that age. But my view of the world was small and I was not exposed to the amount of talent and greatness there was in the world. And while I think it's a good thing that I have found beauty and humility in my very average life and that I am able to see the greatness in the mundane, I think I had an underlying feeling of nihilism while writing this without realizing it. Looking back at it, I can see where I had shades of nostalgia of a less nihilistic time which I described as back when I felt 17. I feel like in many ways I was more passionate and more quick to anger and act in the face of injustice when I was a teenager. I think both my college experience as well as my corporate job pacified me in some ways. Don't get me wrong, I do generally think it's good that I know how to choose my battles now and I'm not just reactive when someone says something I don't like and I also think that it's good that I'm much more tactful now that I'm older. But sometimes I think the tactfulness can come at the cost of something more raw and authentic. I also think that at 17, I was less aware of how things that are systemic can impact your personal life. Here is an excerpt from the post above: I think the chaos of the world can cause things to feel random and pointless which then gives way to nihilism and absurdism. It's our humanity trying to reconcile with the meaninglessness of the world around us and find ways to either construct meaning or find ways to cope with the meaninglessness. But I do think that allowing this feeling of meaninglessness morph into a feeling of powerlessness and apathy can be problematic and breed complacency. And I think while with age comes the wisdom to slow down and think things through, I think it's also beneficial to not lose touch of the sense that you can actually do something to make an impact which is something that I had when I was younger more so than right now. June 22 2024: Living in the 1999 Life in 2024 Zeigeist: Experiencing the Neoliberal Dream in Late Stage Capitalism I think this post definitely talks about the cultural nihilism without using that term directly. I feel like this is when it really started sprouting within me. June 24 2024: I Feel Stupid fo Wanting to Prioritize Platonic Connections I think isolation breeds the nihilism in me more because I tend to derive a lot of meaning and fulfillment through my friendships and relationships to others. I think me trying to adjust to socializing as an adult has been the most difficult part of adjusting to life after college and often it feels like it's getting harder as time goes on rather than easier because of the ways that society doesn't value friendship in the same way it does family, romantic relationships, and jobs. I do think this is a contributing factor to the plant of nihilism but it isn't the nihilism itself. It's like the fertilizer that helps the plant bloom. October 31 2024: Post Travel Blues: Anti-Capitalist Angst I wrote about how I'm not exactly happy about coming back from my trip to be working and being restricted in what I do for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. I talk about how I don't like that feeling of not having free will and how I'm essentially having an existential crisis regarding capitalism since I took a step back and I got to a point where I fufilled a lot of my desires materially. I think the angst aside, I really do want to have more control over what I do in that I want to do something that I find meaningful on a regular basis. I think that feeling gets stronger the more I deal with my material karma and the more that I dust away the difficult feelings around the chaos I'm surrounded by politically to uncover the underlying root of the nihilism. November 29th 2024: Ambitions as an Anti-Capitalist I feel like much of this post relates to the disillusionment I have with the American dream and the blue print that many of us are given in this country when it comes to what it means to be ambitious and be an adult with responsibilities. I think nihilism and disillusionment can go hand in hand which is something I want to explore more going forward. December 15th 2024: A Simplier Time: I feel like looking back at this post, I'm noticing the pointlessness and the absolute excess of consumption culture in the U.S. Sometimes I wonder if things are genuinely worse now or if I'm at an age where I'm noticing it more. I think this post goes back to the point about how I'm noticing the nihilism more now that I'm in a place where I've materialistically fulfilled myself. As a result, I'm less likely to fall for the trap of compulsory consumption to numb myself out further. I think there are two layers of nihilism. The first is the general pointlessness of it all which is the crux of the cultural nihilism. The second layer is either people reacting the the nihilism by using things like shopping addictions and endless scrolling to cope or they're using these things to the point they become nihilistic in the way that those addictions pacify you through convenience. It's kind of a chicken or the egg situation. Are these addictions ways of coping with the nihilism or are they what cause it or exacerbate it? March 31st 2025: Depressive Hedonia I feel like the things I talk about in this post is just the different manifestations that I have observed around me regarding the broader cultural nihilism. April 18th: I Feel Like the World is Falling Apart This has been an interesting read as I have been exploring cultural nihilism. I think this goes hand in hand with with the disillusionment from the "Ambitions as an Anti-Capitalist" post that I wrote about. The bolded points are from the orginal post but the stuff I wrote after it has to do with the nihilism.

Nihilism Part 3: Comparing the Mindset of My Immigrant Parents to My Ennui I watched this video again and I had a lot of thoughts regarding the things I've heard growing up from my immigrant parents. For context, my mom grew up in India from 1966 to 1994 and my dad grew up in Bangladesh from 1958 to 1981. On top of that, my dad experienced a war and a genocide in his early teen years. Both of my parents immigrated to the U.S. in their 20s. I was born and raised in the U.S. I lived in Texas my whole life but growing up I would visit family in India every other year for about 2-3 months. The portion I really want to focus on from the video for the sake of this post is from 9:45 to 18:09. I pretty much quoted the entire thing and I inputted my thoughts as I went along in blue. I also highlighted specific words and phrases that stood out to me and I underlined broader concepts that resonated with ideas I grew up around.

Nihilism Part 2: Career Frustration I think taking time off to go to DC and the long weekend from Memorial Day has helped with my feelings of burn out. But I’m also dealing with the existential crisis that was triggered last week when I missed an email that said I needed to do a presentation. I made an honest mistake and a little one at that but it sucks the way that it’s a huge deal. I also think it triggered underlying feelings of being micromanaged and being nitpicked. I do think I can improve when it comes to being proactive and being professional but I also don’t have that motivation because I don’t care about this job AT ALL. I have never felt more of an urge to put in my two weeks or just impulsively walk out with no plan. I know that’s not a good idea but it’s in the back of my mind. Rather than trying to transcend my feelings of anger and regulate suppress them, I’ve tried to make it a point to hold on to it. Maybe it will propel me to take control over my life and cause me to rage apply. I also had a long conversation with one of my friends about how I don’t really have a fire in my soul per my birth chart (cuz we like to use astrology as a short hand for discussing personal qualities lol) and that causes things such as me lacking energy, lacking main character energy, lacking initiative, lacking impulsivity, and lacking in my anger responses. There is a good side to most of these things. I might be low energy but I’m also a relatively chill person who can find joy and fulfillment in the little, quieter things in life and I don’t have to be constantly stimulated. My lack of main character energy often manifests itself as me being humble and not making bad, plot worthy decisions. I’m not impulsively doing dumb shit. I’m not sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong and being obnoxious with my sense of initiative. Finally, my lack of anger responses allows me to think through things clearly and not jeopardize my relationships. Nevertheless, there are downsides which triggered this existential crisis. My low energy causes me to not work as hard or play as hard. My lack of main character energy leaves me feeling like I’m not engaged with life and that I cannot hype myself up and advocate for myself. My lack of initiative and impulsivity causes life and opportunities to pass me by. My lack of anger responses causes me to not take action in correcting what I feel is unjust and stops me from standing up for myself. Instead, I find myself crying in the corner, rotting in bed, and scrolling endlessly on social media. One of the biggest things I hate about myself is how my response to stress or someone coming at me crazy is flight/freeze instead of fight. Like lowkey, one of my regrets from high school is how I didn’t join the debate team, because maybe if I did, I would have some fucking balls. Anyways, so lately, since noticing the lack of fire in my life, I found myself thinking about all of the areas of my life this manifests in and how I kind of suck as a person. I feel like me zoning out in front of my phone plays a huge role in this, even if I watch things that are relatively better than slop. Like sure, it’s good that I’m still intellectually engaging with the world around me. But I’m not taking action and in that sense, I’m disconnected from life itself as it passes me by. This really started to sink in after watching the Vaush video I linked in the first Nihilism post but also after I watched the video below on literacy. Thankfully, I can understand the passages that the video talked about if I slowed down and read them, but it’s still concerning that it was any bit challenging. Here is my little running list of the ways that I suck as a person and am disconnected from life from being chronically online: I don’t have a lot of hobbies other than watching content, writing, and working out if I’m being brutally honest. I don’t have a sense of community or things I do to actively engage in community. I don’t have a sense of fire that propels me towards my career aspirations I’m not politically active in the causes I care about. Let’s be real, I mainly just repost things, cry in the corner, sit with existential dread, and then go to work as if nothing is happening. I don’t read books and I’m not really much better than an ipad baby. Basically, I’m not passionate because I lack hobbies, career aspirations, and I don’t care enough about causes to structure my whole life around advocating for them. As a symptom of being checked out of life, I don’t read and I have the attention span of an ipad baby and I don’t socially engage as much as I should. As a result of this revelation, I have wanted to quit my job so that it forces me to apply to a bunch of jobs and do something that utilizes my IR degree without wasting any more time at my bullshit corporate job. I want to also take time off so that I don’t feel scarcity around free time and so that I can travel around for a while. Because it’s been waaay harder for me to save up my vacation days than it has been for me to save my money. I know there are more sustainable ways of going about this but still. Then again, I do recognize that I’m not a lost cause. I do have some light behind my eyes and critical thinking skills and I think that separates me from the people who truly have a disdain for life, whether that be a twitter leftist who justifies their lack of life skill with every disability and systemic issue under the sun, or a neo nazi who wants everyone to die. Either way, I bet neither of them wash their asses. I’m sure the average person in both of these groups are not only in severe need of touching grass but also severely dependent on technology to fulfill their every need because they lack basic life skills. I’m also not a checked-out NPC who is just pacifying themselves with Temu treats and is completely unaware of the world around me. Basically, though I am disconnected from life, I don’t have a total disdain for it and there are a lot of reasons why I don’t suck. Here are some of them: I’m not numbing myself out with over consumption and mindless consumerism. I’m self-aware and I generally make responsible decisions. I got therapy to heal my childhood trauma and I got out of my toxic home environment. I’m a good friend and a good girlfriend. I tend to attract pretty genuine people in my life and I think that’s a good sign. I have decent character and morals. I reflect on those morals and stay true to them without being on autopilot. I’m not disassociated from the news and I don’t act as if politics do not matter and that allows me to be more empathetic. I’m a pretty intrinsically motivated person. It’s the quality that I like most in myself. I make an effort to educate myself especially in relation to social and cultural issues even if it is via audio books and video essays. I don’t blindly follow trends and turn off my critical thinking skills when engaging with media. I have good habits such as keeping my surroundings clean, having a decent sleep schedule, cooking my own food, tracking my finances, working out etc. I’m not just doordashing all of my meals and getting my groceries delivered. And I do think it’s important that I hold onto my anger and use it responsibly. I don’t think quitting my job with little notice will be a good idea because 1. I don’t want to risk having a huge gap on my resume, 2. I might need a good recommendation letter and references to get solid opportunities and 3. I need to hold on to this job in case I need to quickly leave the U.S due to rising tensions. Also, my job, as much as I don’t like it, has been very beneficial for me on a number of ways: Helped me get rid of my executive dysfunction I struggled with all throughout school and college. Gives me structure so I’m not just rotting in bed all the time. Helped me learn how to navigate professional environments. Gave me a sense of discipline to show up even when I do not feel like it. Gave me a sense of discipline to stick to something for a while. Gave me a sense of stability and calm after my chaotic college years so that I could figure out what I actually wanted to do with my life. Helped me pay for a couple of nice trips and my surgery. Helped me get my personal finances in order so that I have a solid foundation. I have thousands in savings, I max out my Roth IRA and I give a good portion of my salary to my retirement fund. I also have no debt. I got my apartment and learned how to manage money on an adult job. Exposed me to different kinds of people across different age groups. I stopped constantly comparing myself to my peers since I was no longer in a bubble of only being around people in the same life stage as me. Allowed me to live a soft life, even for a little while. Gave me a number of skills I can transfer to different industries. Caused me to not have a skinny legend of a resumé + gave me a promotion Gave me enough work life balance to have a social life and pour into my relationships. I get decent pay and benefits. I also work standard hours. So, what are my complaints about my job: I hate the expectation to always be busy. I hate being micromanaged. I hate the concept of sick days. I hate AI. I hate how I have to save up all of my PTO days and drive myself nuts in the process for my desired goals. I hate how I essentially have to give 24 months (2 years) of nearly nonstop work for a month back. I hate how I can’t be my authentic self at work because talking about politics is divisive and because I can’t have an existential crisis as a young person. I hate the subject matter of my job and I find it to be boring to the point where I dread getting promoted. I hate how the world is burning out there and I am doing dumb tasks that do not matter and I have to act as if nothing is going on. After writing this out and organizing this list, I can say that #1-4 is me hating on this job specifically. #5-7 is me hating on corporate America as a whole. And #7-9 is me having personal issues related to this job. What do I want: A work environment that prioritizes output over busy work and gives employees autonomy. Unlimited/ no sick days A gap between my current and future job so that I can chill the fuck out for a month or 3 A job in something that I care about and something that utilizes my skills, interests, and the social causes that matter to me Friends I can be myself around and that I hang out with often to nurture the connection and be each other villages. A passionate life, a sense of purpose, not just finding a couple people I click with but a broader sense of belonging.

The Problems with Convenience and Optimization Culture I love all of the points that were raised in these two videos. I think first video did a good job at illustrating the beauty, humanness, and spontaneity that comes with doing things that are inconvenient, especially in relation to meeting new people. I also liked the example in the first video that compares finding your ideal book via Amazon recommendations versus finding your ideal book by going to your local bookstore, reviewing various books they have there, being able to touch and smell the books, and maybe even talking to a stranger about their recommendations and things they have read recently. The later is a much more immersive and fulfilling experience where you're engaging with life more rather than quickly getting what you need and shutting down your laptop. I also liked the second video in the way that it illustrates how while it's good that we're paying attention to our habits more and there are ways that people are improving their lives (i.e. drinking less, working out more, doing a better skincare routine etc.), that the downside of this is how this constant sense of optimization commodifies regular day to day activities and also isolates us from the people around us. In other words, while optimization is helpful, it can also be a distraction to larger issues such as a lack of connection, not only to the people around you but also to life itself. All that said, I'm not against convenience and optimization, I'm mainly against the culture that we have around it because I don't think that we have the healthiest relationship to those things. Apps like Uber or Instacart can make things like asking for a ride or small favors from a friends to be seen from this transactional lens because why tf would you ask your friend to help you with something when you can pay a stranger to do it for you? This then creates an environment where asking for simple favors from your friends that would have been normal to ask of back in the day before these apps existed is now seen as narcissistic becuase you're asking for too much from the people around you. Apps like Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, and even Bumble BFF can cause people to develop a certain kind of brainrot where they start to treat people like they are disposable. Sure, there is a difference in the over all vibe between Tinder and Hinge, the first being a hookup app for the most part while the second is a little better because of the prompts it has, but they still have the fundamental problem of the fact that you're interacting through as screen it's a lot easier to dehumanize and stereotype people in that medium than if you were meeting the same people in real life. It's also easy to say and do things online that are unhinged and that you would never do in real life. It's also easy to do crazy shit on a first date if you're meeting someone from the void versus if you met someone through your friends and do something crazy on that date, your friends will probably hear that and the threat of gossip alone can serve as an accountability measure through social consequences. I also think that this kind of brainrot can cause people to think that in order to have a perfect relationship, you need to have the perfect partner and that if you find the perfect partner, everything will just be peachy from there on out. Don't get me wrong, compatibility is important but if you're always on the search for perfection and you're quick to move on if a person is anything less than that because the next person is just a swipe away. And even if you find your ideal partner, if you approach dating with this mentality, you're not going to rely on conflict resolution or communication skills because as soon as something comes up, rather than addressing that and working through it, you will throw away a perfectly good person and relationship. Not to mention that things like convenience culture really reinforce issues related to instant gratification. Like, why would you try to learn the skill of cooking and slow down at that time of your day when you can just Doordash whatever you want? And for me, I hate Doordash because one, it can get expensive and two, people aren't getting paid enough. But also, part of the fun of me getting something to eat that I'm not cooking myself is the going out part of going out to eat. It's nice to get outside of my apartment, especially considering that I have a remote job. Speaking of which, as much as I love my remote job, I do think that I am a bit socially stunted because I don't have to learn how to socially navigate a professional environment in the same frequencey and it's a little scary thinking about how if I really wanted to, I probably go weeks without face to face interaction with anyone if I decide to Doordash and get all of my groceries delivered. I also like being able to talk to waiters and cashier people but things like self check out and QR code menu/ordering do get in the way of that. And I believe that the more isolated we are, the more we're likely to replace that sense of connection and belonging with consumerism because now there are people who believe that the cottage core aesthetic is a personality trait along with the notion that shopping at Target and getting matching Stanley cups is a hobby whereas before, rather than aesthetics, we had subcultures which came with their own set of communities and values and hobbies were things you put active effort into. As for optimization culture, convenience culture's close twin, I believe that always focussing on optimization and efficiency can come to the detriment of creativity. I think beauty is a very good example of this. I feel like there is this trend of people trying to find their ideal colors via the color seasons or they are trying to find their ideal silhouettes via the Kibbe body type system, or people are trying to find the best makeup for their features. I don't think there is anything wrong with that and having that be the jumping off point for you to find your personal style, but I believe that if you're only focused on this narrow scope of what is "flattering", you're limitting yourself and your sense of self expression. The most stylish friends I have might take their ideal colors or silhouettes into consideration, but they aren't limitted by them and they have a sense of playfulness around fashion. And that's the problem with opitmization culture, it leaves little room for that playfulness that drives a sense of creativity and joy. Not to mention, what we consider flattering is greatly determined by the power structures at hand and making it a constant point to adhere to that, creates a reinforcement of these systems. Which is why we have the issue with Instagram face where a lot of influencers are starting to look the same because they're getting the same proceedures and they're tailoring themselves to what will be the most optimal for the algorithms to push their content. It's this uncanny look that has exaggerated, and sometimes bordering on ethic features that jump out at you and demand your attention, but nevertheless, the features are also distinctly Eurocentric and thin. Then there is the way that optimization culture seeps into people's jobs. Despite being more productive now than we were in the past, we don't have more free time, nor are paid more. Rather, the reward we get for being more productive is having more work to do. It's this sense of endless expansioin because nothing is ever enough for the parasites at the top. Like, what's the point for all of us to generate all of this wealth if we can't even enjoy it and it all gets funneled to the top? What is this point of optimization and what are optimizing for? Is money and power the only things we can optimize for? Finally, last but not least, optimization culture really thrives in self help spaces. I feel like I have a lot to share regarding this from my own personal experience of immersing myself into self help from the ages of 17 to 23. Personally, I feel like the reason why I felt like I had to bury myself in self help content and therapy is because I felt like I was developmentally behind my peers due to a lot of trauma I had in my youth and house hold. But not only did I feel like I had to "catch up" but I also felt this desire to get ahead. I remember being 17 and feeling this pressure of being considered an adult legally at 18 and feeling like I had to have my entire life figured out. I remember being 19 and reading countless articles written by people in their late 20s and early 30s titled "X number of things I wish I knew at 20" or "30 Pieces of Advice I Learned by Age 30." I didn't want to make the same dumb mistakes people were making at my age. And that's valid. I didn't want to do something like get into credit card debt or date a much older guy who would've traumatized me badly by taking advantage of my 20 year old naiveity. I didn't want to go through dating questionable men that would cause unnecessary suffering. And I sure as hell didn't want to make the mistake of choosing the wrong major in college which would saddle me with debt with no job prospects in sight. A lot of the anxieties I had in my early 20s stemmed from the fact that I was coming from a difficult household where I knew I wasn't prepared accordingly to deal with the world affectively, nor did I have the safety net to fall back on the comfort of my parents in the event I did fuck up. So I found myself overcompensating in a way by delving into self help, dressing business casual in a lot of places because I didn't want to come off as cringe, isolating myself from my peers because I though partying and going out at night was juvenile, and throwing myself head first into school and therapy. I don't regret prioritiziing self help, my education, and getting help for my mental health. That paid off a lot in the long run. I do, however, regret dressing the way that I did because now I'm 25 and dripless because I prioritized looking put together and being flattering over having fun with self expression lol. I don't really regret staying in over partying in my early 20s because COVID happened and because given how stressful school was among other things, I wasn't really in the partying move. It just wasn't really my thing and tbh, it still isn't really my thing. But I do want the later half of my 20s to be more social and to go out more and enjoy myself because while that isn't optimizing for my future, it is making memories with friends and strangers and celebrating the now. I also have been moving away from self help related content for a myraid of reasons (see the entry on Deconstructing Self Help linked below) , but one of the reasons is that i feel like I'm at a point where more advice is not going to help me. It isn't because I am relying on advice and consuming self help rather than taking action in my life, but rather it is important that I allow my own life to teach me the lessons I need to learn and I learn how to navigate through things myself and create that sense of self trust rather than looking for advice on line. And this is true especially for relationships. I think the internet can be good for identifying basic red flags (i.e. don't date a guy who is going to love bomb you and know what your attachment styles is to heal it), but it falls short when it comes to giving advice on nuanced and personal situations and how to handle them because while some advice makes sense in a certain context, the same advice can also be weaponized make the situation worse if applied incorrectly. Honest to god, the best thing I have done for my sanity over the last couple of years is to disengage from relationship advice, even when it's platonic. And again, I'm not trying to critique convenience and optimization themselves rather I'm critiquing the relationship we have to them and culture we built around them. I think there is a time and place to utilize Uber, DoorDash, and Bumble. Maybe you're in a city where you don't anyone and you need a ride. Maybe you want to get a meal delivered as a special little treat or because this is one of the days where you're super busy and don't have time cook or get food. Maybe you want to date online to meet people you otherwise wouldn't in your own social circle and you just want to see what's out there. There isn't anything wrong with any of these forms of convenience but I think it can get unhealthy when we're overly reliant on them. Even before these apps, there is also a time and place to use a car, use GPS navigation, use a calculator. I don't think a car centric society is healthy because of the way that it breeds isolation, it causes people to be more sedentary, and it's not environmentally friendly. At the same time, I do think there is a benefit of having cars even in walkable areas. GPS navigation can be helpful but having broader navigation skills and being able to read a map is also important for you to be able to get around. And calculators can be helpful in complex problems and long equations but you still need the critical thinking skills to know how to approach math problems and enter things in accordingly. I like to view these conveniences like a multivitamin. They aren't always necessary, but they can be helpful in filling the gaps in an otherwise healthy diet. But at the same time, you don't want to get so reliant on multivitamins to where you replace all of your meals and real food. Even if you somehow found a way to make that physically healthy, I'm sure not being able to enjoy a regular meal would be mental disorder in itself. Not to mention, just eating multivitamins to get your nutritional needs met is kind of a sad way to live where you can't enjoy the sensual pleasure of a good dish, you can't enjoy social events around food in the same way, and you're just disconnected from a very core part of being a living being and disconnected from life itself. Maybe this is the stage green in me that sees the disadvantages around convenience and optimiztion and as a result, I have an existential crisis but I do like to think that I am integrated in orange enough to see the necessity of such technologies and not completely demonize them. I think that the way forwards isn't to elimate modern conveniences and go back a couple centuries because things were better back then. There is a reason why we have these technologies and they are helpful. At the same time, the problem we're facing now is that we don't have updated regulations for these technologies and we have built a world that incentivizes the reliance of these conveniences. Rather than banning Uber and Doordash, we need to make sure that the gig workers are being compensated. We also need to have more sustainable working schedules and more labor regulations so that people have time to dedicate to their friends and to help them out rather than writing everyone off as asking for too much because we're all burnt out. Rather than banning dating apps and friendship apps, we need to create more third spaces and encourage public transport so that people can meet organically. Rather than banning cars, we can have them as an option in addition to public transportation. which will also make driving easier because public transport does cut down on traffic.

Nihilism Part 1 I'm putting this here because I emotionally resonate with this: I also emotionally resonate with this video as well and I also have some things to say: I think Vaush is hitting at something really important here regarding the broader culture of nihilism in the U.S. or hell even in the world. He talks about how despite having more free time than we did in the past (even if you take the 40 hr work week and all that goes into it into consideration) that we're more exhausted and more numbed out. And sure you can argue that the reason why people aren't having as many kids is because due to money and the fact that a lot of people don't get enough paternity and maternity leave, rich people who have a ton of time, money and resources aren't having a lot of kids either. Yes, those things are factors, but money isn't the only thing. And sure you can say that the internet and AI is contributing to this sense of nihilism and it has made it worse, but this shit started back in the 80s and 90s prior to the internet. And sure, everything being car centric does impact how lively a place is but even places like New York still have this underlying problem which is why politicians like Andrew Cuomo are still getting elected. Vaush also constrasts the sense of fulfillment of poor people in Brazil who have a similar degree of poverty as poor people in some parts of the U.S. but the poor people in Brazil are still some how have more of a sense of fulfillment and a sense of pushing their kids to do better in terms of school and literacy so that they have more opportunities than their parents. Meanwhile, suburban white kids are incredibly priviledged but give off Patrick Bateman vibes. The paragraph above is a very rough summary of the video given my memory after just watching it. I highly recommend watching the whole video. And while I resonate with this, times like this I really wish that Vaush was exposed to and talked about Spiral Dynamics so things would really click. Vaush is, in my opinion, dealing with a lot of nihilism that comes from being in a very stage orange society with very stage orange values. Thats why someone in a similar situation in a country like Brazil, a more stage blue country, has a different vibe than someone in a similar situation in the U.S., a very stage orange country. He also hits on points regarding convenience and how streamlining our lives often takes out the liviliness and the fulfillment out of our human experience. And I think once you go peak orange as a society, that's when you really start to see the downsides of things like convenience and constant opitmization, which is something that can be a post of it's own. However, what makes this video interesting to me is that, while Vaush is experiencing nihilism in the face of stage orange, his is also seeing the limitations of stage green policy. Yes, it's important that you advocate for things like more free time, livable wages, accessible health case, paternity and maternity leave etc. and those things do make people's lives considerably better, but there is still a limit in which it addresses the nihilism problem. I also think it's interesting that the video talks about how a lot of this started in the 80s and 90s and how that is a contributing reason as to why crime was so high back then. That caused me to think about the Four Turnings theory. I wrote about this in a previous post and it's a lot so I don't really want to type it out again, nor do I want to copy and paste large blocks of text just for the sake of context onto this post. So basically, rather than seeing history as linear, think of it as seasons that a country moves through during it's general arc. The High was a phase from 1945 to 1964 which was characterized as a sense of optimism due to the new society that came out from the post-war era. The Awakening was a phase from roughly 1965 to the early 1980s which is characterized as a season of passion where we start questioning the institutions from the High and passionately advocate for various causes such as the Civil Rights Movement and protesting the Vietnam War as examples. The Unravelling was phase roughly from 1980s to 2008, right before the Great Recession. This season is characterized by a sense of nihilism and cynicism when the passion from the Awakening dies down and the insitutions set up in the High start to unravel. Finally, the Crisis stage which started from the Great Recession in 2008 and is currently what we're in now (it's estimated to end in the late 2020s to early 2030s to usher in a new High phase) is characterized by a sense of constant instability and pessimissm as things around us are falling apart in order for us to make something new when the High phase comes around again. While I do think that the broader sense of nihilism is a problem that cannot be solved with stage green policies alone, I also think it's more evident now because we're also in the season where nihilism is ubiquitous. And the season of nihilism is something that started back in the 80s if we're taking the Four Turnings framework. I think it can be temporarily alleviated as we move into a more stage green society once the chaos dies down and we move into the next High season but I do think that this is something that will still continue to be an issue and it's something that will be interesting to keep an eye on.

Things that give me existential dread (no particular order) Honestly, I'm just venting. ICE yoinking people and shipping them of to El Salvador AI automating everything, causing mass misinformation, fucking up the education system to where people don't have critical thinking skills, and sucking the humanness out from around us. Comfort culture and convenience culture taking away the serendipity of life and automating everything so that we don't enjoy the joy of creation and organic human connection unless we consciously make the choice to. Overconsumption and replacing meaning community, and a sense of belonging with buying things (also the feeling of being constantly marketed to) The genocide in Gaza The war between India and Pakistan that could go nuclear This feeling that there is no point anymore because no matter how much we protest, educate ourselves, vote, try to hold people accountable via the legal system, go through a pandemic that paused the world for two years etc. people like Trump still get power and the rich keep getting richer and there is no meaningful change The apathy of the people around me going about their lives as if nothing is happening and the world isn't on fire just because it isn't affecting them personally. Watching the people around me burn out and lose the light behind their eyes due to being overworked, underpaid, and don't get me started on the lack of support for new parents Having to have a specific corporate persona in order to maintain professional relationships because your politics are a big part of you and you're a young person with a constant existential crisis and that isn't appropriate to bring into the workplace. Trad wife content and tradwife adjacent content (crunchy living, anti vax, anti bithcontrol, sprinkle sprinkle) on the internet The fact that the U.S. is the wealthiest country in history and we can't give regular people a basic standard of living with health care, access to higher education. a livable wage etc. because our money goes to the MIC and we don't tax the wealthiest people enough. And while everything above is happening, climate change is still going on in the background and we're not addressing that because we're distracted with everything else. All of the ways I have to tone down my empathy to the suffering around me and even be less empathetic to myself in order to be a functioning person and power through work.

Body Image Progress I'm approaching the 3 month mark from my surgery date and I want to reflect on that a little bit. I have so much more mental space: I find that my body checking reduced by like 80% and that I don't really think about my body and the way it looks nearly as often as I used to before the surgery. In the past, I also had the impulse to crash diet because I was so unhappy with my stomach but even though I had that impulse, through years of working on my relationship with food, I was able to refrain from that impulse for the most part. Now, that impulse isn't there. As a result, I have a better relationship to food. I'm also more intuned with my body's cues as a result. I don't judge myself on how much I'm eating or how little I'm eating. Bloating and upset stomachs don't feel like the end of the world because my stomach being slightly bigger isn't as distressing as it used to be. I'm not overthinking wearing clothes based on how much I ate prior in the day or if I'm slightly bloated. And as a result, I feel like I can express myself more via clothes. I felt super sexy and positive about my body for the first month but now i'm more so neutral: Not to be vulgar, but from like month 1 to month 2, I just felt very fuckable. I was super excited with the way that my clothes were fitting. I found myself checking myself out in a positive way everytime I walked by my reflection (I still do that lol but not to the same extent). Month 3 has me feeling more neutral. I think the initial high of my body changing has past and now I'm more so just chilling. I just don't think about my body so much which goes along with the first point about having mental space. As a result of feeling positive to neutral about my body, I would say sex has been better. And on a weirder note, I don't feel weird about dancing in pubilc anymore. If anything, I kind of crave because I never had a "party phase" in my late teens/ early 20s. I think part of it was me being self conscious about my body and in some ways feeling like it aged me (or maybe it was also the way that I was "dressing for my body type"). As a result, my boyfriend and I go out during the weekend just to dance. Like we're not drinking or anything but we're just wobbling around like fools lmao. Shopping is still a struggle (but not as much so): Shopping for new clothes has been better in that I don't dread it anymore. It's still not fun because nothing fits my boobs and that can be a struggle in many ways. Sometimes I find myself thinking about how I should have gotten a breast reduction while I was at it lol. I mean that more so in a joking way so that shopping wouldn't be a struggle but I'm happy with the way that I look lol. Nevertheless, I am embracing different fashion styles that I would often shy away from in the past and that has been great. I still have bad body image days + ozempic era: I didn't go into this surgery with the unrealistic expectations that this will solve all of my body related problems. My body image does take a dip every now and then, especially when I go shopping. I think a huge component of this is how being really thin has made a comeback along with the normalization of Ozempic and low rise jeans from the 00s. A lot of people who would have been considered normal to thin lost a ton of weight from Ozempic adjacent drugs (Kim Kardashian being the most notable case) and it shifted what is considered skinny in the 2020s to be thinner than what it was in 2018 when it was still considered fashionable to get a BBL. There is also a rise in conservativism through body positivity being less of a thing, people wanting the "pilates body" (i.e. the body of a really thin white woman), and how a lot of fashion trends are back to not embracing curves (don't get me wrong, fashion for people with larger bodies has always been a challenge but I swear it's harder to shop if you have boobs and ass in 2025 compared to 2016 from personal memory). But this occasional dip in body image doesn't cause me to impulsively diet, exercise like crazy, or lose a significant amount of weight. Like part of me knows that the insecurities that are getting triggered by the standard of beauty in the 2020s is cyclical and fleeting rather than how I used to have that long term insecurity around my stomach. I'm pretty sure this would have been a nonissue if I had the body I had now back in 2016. I'm still getting used to my proportions: I wrote about this back in a previous post I feel like my legs, butt and boobs look bigger now that my stomach is no longer there. And while part of me likes that lol, I think with the return to the super thin body ideal, there is a part of me that feels distorted or like I need to lose weight. And in those times I'm like *damn, nothing is enough for that fucked up part of my brain that has been rotted out by 00s tabloids and ED Tumblr.* It is a little sad, I'll admit. But I do think this is something that will get better, and is getting better because as a whole, I do feel more proportional since the surgery and I'm mostly happy with my size despite thin being back in. . Again, my sense of proportion, though it's better than pre-surgery, it does still feel kind of off. The swelling is still there: I feel like this last bit of swelling I have has been stubborn and is going away in a weird pace. Some weeks are better than others. But my stomach still feels weirdly numb, as if it's not a part of *my* body. Like if I press on my lower stomach, I'll feel that. But if I scratch it, I'm not going to feel lit. WHICH IS SOOO WEIRD!! I also feel like there is a tightness around my stomach due to the swelling so even though my clothes do fit looser, they don't feel looser because there is like fluid in the way. And I think the swelling going up and down contributes to the sense of distortion I described above. Final Thoughts: I feel much better in my body. I feel better around food, better around clothes, better equiped to make healthy decisions for myself, and better in the way that I show up in the world. I feel much more authentic in that I feel like I finally look the way that I always thought I looked in my head and I feel so much freer. Being thin is no longer my Roman Empire lol. I think this surgery has been a very good decision for me and I'm happy with the results. Nevertheless, I still have my days because of the way that the body standards have shifted socially in recent years, because shopping can still be a struggle because of said shifts and because fashion generally hates big boobs, and because I'm still in some ways adjusting to my new body and my new reality.

7 Levels of Wealth: I think I'm in a good spot financially. I am making a decent amount of money relative to my lifestyle. My bills are automated. I have a good amount of financial awareness regarding how much I make, how much I spend per month and on what, the amount I have allocated towards investments and savings, and being able to allocate part of my money towards the things I really care about. I've also been working on my relationship with money since I do have a tendency to worry and being overly stingent with budgets. I feel like I'm finally at a place where I can spend money on things that matter to me and that I want without panicing or shaming myself. And I have peace of mind knowing that I'm on track with my financial goals because I have run the numbers. Level 1 and 2 don't really apply to me and I feel like I have solidly surpassed those levels. So I will be looking ahead in this video from Level 3 and beyond. Level 3: Security You're here if: You know how much you make and spend. You have a small emergency fund. Your debt is gone or under control. You've started investing consistently. What to do from here Increase emergency fund to cover 3-6 months of expenses. Increase your investments to at least 10% of take home pay. Start learning about your cross over point (the point when your investments make more than your expenses):I do not know what my cross over point is right now. Level 4: Growth You're here if: Your investments are growing and are consistent You know when your investments are going to hit $100k or $1M You think terms of percentages and strategy: Yes, I know the power of compound interest lol. It's also good that I'm not paying a financial advisor a percent based amount that could cost a ton of money down the road due to the missed opportunity from compound interest. You have made tradeoffs to grow your wealth: This mainly includes stuff relating to my job, educational prospects, etc. What to do at this level: Increase your investments 1% per year: already doing this with my 401k Ask when do you want to be work optional: I feel like right now, I'm more focussed on finding meaningful work than figuring out when I want to be work optional. Because I'm currently at a job that I don't particularly like and if you asked me on a very surface level on when I want be work optional, I would say right now. But deep down inside, I know that if I were to quit my job tomorrow, even though I know that I'll be fine financially, I wouldn't be comfortable having a gap on my resume long term and I do need the structure of a job to make me feel like I'm working towards something. Since I don't have a meaningful career yet, I feel like if I were to quit my job tomorrow without anything lined up and do nothing, in a few weeks I will devolve into being an aimless blob. Reflect (What money beliefs have I changed my mind about in the last 5-10 years?): I feel like I have been consistently working on my mindset around money for the last couple of years and I have had a solid foundation of financial literacy growing up both from my own research as well as from my dad's influence. I think my biggest mindset shift has been moving away from being afraid of money and in panic mode to being comfortable with where I am at as of now because I'm aware of my goals and I can enjoy myself knowing that i'm still headed in the right direction. Level 5: Freedom You're here if You could stop working tomorrow and be fine: I'm putting this in green because I will be fine financially but emotionally is a different question. You can say "no" to work you don't want to do: I'm not at this point careerwise yet. I feel like I need more career capital to be able to be in a position where I can get a job easily in my desired industry. I'm still pretty entry level given that I graduated college like 2.5 years ago. And again, having a gap in my resume isn't ideal at this point. You're now planning in terms of years, not paychecks What to do at this level: Define your rich life: I feel like I'm pretty clear about my values and my long term financial desires. Set a Worry-Free Number (a dollar amount under which you don't even think about spending >> shift your mindset from scarcity to freedom): I don't have a worry-free number broadly speaking but I do have a worry free number in certain categories. If something is under $20 for a little treat for myself or if dinner for my partner and I is under $40, I don't worry about it. Travel wise, I have a budget of $5000 a year which is pretty generous considering my travel habits. The place where the worry free aspect comes in is that after I budget for the flights and lodging, I have a worry free amount for food (about $15 per meal) and experiences ($100 per experiences). Level 6: Abundance: You're here if: You've maxed out your financial systems: I'm not there yet. I'm working on maxing my 401k over time but I did max out my Roth IRA annually. I also feel like I can do more regarding additional investments. You spend freely on what you love: I would say so. You've built a financial team (accountant, advisor, attorney etc. depending on your needs): I don't really have a necessity for those thing right now personally speaking but my dad does have an accountant who helps our family to do our taxes and an advisor for little things there and there. You give generously: This is something I want to work on more. I do things here and there regarding donations and I do tip at least 15-20% when I go to eat out. But I want to get more comfortable with helping out friends and family. What to do at this level: Set No-budget zones: I don't think I'm at this level yet in terms of my income. Refine your team: I don't really have a team that needs to refined lol. Find new ways to give back with money, time and wisdom: I do this by spending time with people I care about, by volunteering, and just doing various hobbies that makes me happy. Level 7: Legacy (I'm not going to bother putting this at red or green because I'm not at a place where I'm considering these things yet due to my place in life right now. This section is just for reference purposes to be pointed at a larger direction a decade or two down the line) You're here if: You have achieved true financial independence: Nope You're thinking generationally (bigger than your self ie. your family, community etc.): I don't think I'm there yet both in terms of my finances as well as where I'm at with my life as a whole. You're building something bigger than yourself: Not there yet. What to do at this level: Get clear on your legacy goals (What do you want to be remembered for, besides money? Do you want to donate to something and set up a trust or estate plan?): Not there yet but it has been interesting seeing my dad grapple with this type of stuff. Spend time with people, mentor them, share, and surround yourself with people thinking on this level): Not there yet but it has been interesting seeing my dad grapple with this type of stuff. What to do to enhance my financial life given my situation: Learn about my cross over point and when I'm going to hit $100k and $1M: I think overall, I have good financial habits that is pointing me in a good direction and I know where exactly I'm going. But I'm still unclear about how long it's going to take me which I think interferes with the extent I can plan for my future. I guess my financial life feels like I'm driving using a GPS towards my destination but I don't know what time I'm estimated to get there by. I feel like accomplishing this goal will contribute in me being solidly in the stage 4/5 category. Build more career capital and find a job that you actually care about: pretty self explanatory tbh. Start getting more serious on investing: I think I want to work with an advisor on that and start looking into some index funds. Most of my money is in savings and I think it would be good if I can utilize that to maximize on my returns via investments rather than having it just sit there in my account. Continue working on your relationship with money so you show up and be more generous in your life: again pretty self explanatory.

are you fucking kidding me!?!?!?! FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKK...................... i hate it here.

I Feel Like The World Is Falling Apart There is a therapy post that I saw a while back that essentially said that it's common for people to feel like the world is falling apart given everything that is going on, but "the world falling apart" isn't an exact emotion. And that post was encouraging people to define what consists of the "I feel like the world is falling apart" sentiment. I feel a sense of dread because I actually paid attention in school and the stuff that we're seeing on the news is very much giving Nazi Germany. I don't know how deep this hole goes for this country and when we will start turning around for the better. Regular citizens are getting yoinked and deported. The Heritage Foundation is trying to take the right to vote away from anyone whose name doesn't match their birth certificate (which is the case for most married women who changed their last name when they got married). The measles are back. Elon Musk is trying to buy elections and fuck up government programs. The government is picking fights with other countries for no reasons and severing diplomatic ties. People are talking about getting burner phones when travelling internationally so ICE doesn't get to them. The press is getting supressed. The education has been and still is a mess. And AI and convenience culture is largely causing us to be depressive and hedonic slobs while isolating us from one another and eroding creative thinking and critical thought. I feel a sense of apathy, disassociation, and complacency because I feel like I have to ignore how I feel and what's going on in the world in order to function and go to work. Like no matter what happens, I'm just a dumb corporate cog. I know I'm trying to cope with this by focusing on my own life and my immediate surroundings so I can focus on what I can control rather than spiral about what I can't, but it feels wrong that I'm not doing more. I don't even know what more is. I feel a sense of powerlessness and disillutionment in the face of activism as I watch the world burn because even though I educate myself, have difficult conversations with those around me, and I do my best to live in an ethical, conscientious way, the world is crumbling around me due to forces that are much bigger and richer than myself. I know that I should organize and I should be more politically active, but there is a part of me that thinks *what's the point, the oligarchs and corporate interests already bought out most politicians to where we don't have a meaningful left/party for workers rights.* So it's like, instead of doing that which feels futile, let me just focus on my own life. I know that's not the right attitude to have and that's the very attitude that perpetuates this shit but it's hard to not have that reaction given everything going on. If I'm working a basic corporate job that doesn't really help people, I might have some degree of stability but then it's like I have to cut myself of what is actually going on. But if I have a job that actually helps people, my line of work is unstable and under threat and I'm still in this place of powerlessness because even if my job helps people, I'm limited by this toxic system. I feel a sense of repressed anger. I'm angry at the facists, the racists, the homophobes, and the haters who quite frankly have nothing better to do in their lives than to glue in on Fox News. I'm angry at the complacent overconsumption zombies that are constantly marketing to me with regressive trends like trad wives, that girl, feminine energy, pink pilates princess, or just any one who uses the phrase "run don't walk" when talking about their Amazon store front. I'm angry at the Democrats for their malicious incompetence to get us to this point because their corporate interests and career prospects are more important than the people in this country. I'm angry at Elon Musk to where everytime I see a cybertruck I get pissed off. I'm angry at all of the silicone valley technofacists who are draining the life and connection out from everything using automation, convenience apps, AI, etc. And the reason why I say that I feel a sense of repressed anger rather than outright saying that I feel angry is because I feel like my anger response has been significantly blunted from years of having to hold my tongue in the face of injustice because *that's not how you handle things* and because I have been lulled by the apathy and complacency. Like it's great that I'm able to regulate my emotions and be a "responsible adult" but sometimes I wish I was that angry, irritated teenager again because at least she had some claws and could tell people off. I feel a sense of disgust and shame because of how my anger is repressed and how I feel like there is not much I can do. I feel a sense of disgust because I have a freeze reaction to the stressors around me when it now than ever important to fight. I feel disoriented because the news is updating by the second, things are getting overturned and then undone, and there is so much constant flip flopping to where I don't even know what exactly I'm dealing with. Don't even get me started with the tariffs and the uncertainty around that. I feel unheard and resentful. I don't mean personally unheard, but unheard on a collective level. It feels like there is no one who is genuinely advocating for the good of the people and most people are just grifting psychos. I feel unheard because it feels like right wing populism is the only game around town and there isn't a meaningful, left wing populist alternative. I feel worried when I see various social trends that have regressive undertones. I know that pendulums swing. I know that spiral dynamics is at play. And I know that the Four Turnings suggest that this won't last forever and eventually we'll get a time when we have more of a positive tragectory. But sometimes I wonder if those are just comforting tales I tell myself to prevent myself from falling into despair. There is nothing wrong with using a lie or three to get through a difficult time so long as you don't completely delude yourself, but I'm scared that I'm holding on to a baseless sense of hope in these theories. I guess you can argue that these theories aren't baseless in the way that they have evidence backing them up but at the same time, I feel like I'm leaning on the predictions. And in an unpredictable world, theoretical predictions do not feel stable. I feel unstable in that I don't know what my surroundings have in store for me and how to plan my future accordingly. It messes with my ability to look forward to things. I feel like I'm on edge because I need to prepare for the worst. I feel a sense of grief. I feel grief when I think of the type of country we could have become given the resources we have. I feel a sense of grief when I think of the ways our destiny as our country splintered off with each election. I feel a sense of grief given the timeline we're at. I feel a sense of grief when I think of the various human rights violations I have learned about from the genocides happening around the world, to the deportations, to the ways regular people are getting terrorized by right wing lunatics. Hell, I even feel a sense of grief when I think of life pre-Covid. I feel numb because it feels like this chaos has been going on for like 10 years and because it doesn't seem to be getting better. I feel numb because it feels like everything is futile and no one is being held accountable. Like things that would be considered political scandels are just considered normal now. I guess it's good that I'm not flying off the handle and I'm not becoming cripplingly depressed or so angry that I'm trying to start a riot, but sometimes I wonder if that is the case, not because I'm doing a good job at regulating myself and coping, but because I'm numb and I'm overregulating my emotions. I feel disillusioned by the democratic system. Part of me wants to normalize this suffering and say *Grow up, the U.S. isn't anything special. Most of the world hassome form of authoritarianism with restrictions on free speech, protesting, etc. along with corruption in their government.* And yes, this sentiment is correct in that the U.S. is not better than any other part of the world and given the right mix of material conditions it too will fall apart. Like was never an American exceptionalist by any means. I know this mindset isn't helpful in the way that it creates a complacent attitude of doomerism. But part of me feels like this sentiment is coming through because my brain is trying to normalize the chaos and suffering in order to not have to deal with how bad things have gotten. I also feel disillusioned on behalf of my parents who believed in the American dream stronger than I did to where they immigrated to this country pre-9/11. They had a more hopeful view of this country, partly because of the propoganda, partly because it was a better life compared to where they were coming from. But the politics have devolved into something that is similar to what they remember from back home, and it's scary because they never thought the U.S. could fall this far. I don't feel the same sense of shock as them because I didn't get to experience the stability of the 90s and I feel like I have dealt with some degree of chaos from this country from childhood but this, this feels particularly bad. I don't remember much about politics pre-2015 because I was a child and naturally didn't pay attention to politics like that, but I very much remember it not being like this.