soos_mite_ah

I think another step is to just start talking about it since a lot of people don't even know it's a thing I've also seen a few people talk about "pretty privilege." I recommend you check that out. Also to add on to the notion of lookism, I think one thing that is crucial to understanding the prevalence of it is the concept of "the halo effect." The halo effect is when you see someone attractive and immediately associate them with positive qualities like being nice, being smart, etc. without knowing anything about them. There is also the case of the guy who got a modeling contract when he sentenced to prison after his mugshot went viral https://www.ibtimes.com/prison-bae-update-jeremy-meeks-makes-new-york-fashion-week-debut-2492580

I took some time to think about this and I will say with 100% confidence that I have absolutely no idea The more I think the more I realize how much I don't know.

I saw one of the comments that said "what in the whiteness and colonialism happening here" Literally my thoughts lmaoooooo also thought of this

Yeah it's going to be much harder to develop in an environment that isn't conducive to actualizing if you live in a place where because is a lack of governmental and social infrastructure that keeps everyone in survival mode The thing that I like about spiral dynamics is that it brings that social/ psychological infrastructure to light and help map it out. So rather than looking at a blue person in a developing country and writing them off as evil for being sexist, racist, and homophobic, you realize that it's a part of a individual as well as a collective developmental stage that people can grow out of and that is due to the environment rather than some inherent devilry.

I think it's because a lot of things that can fall under the umbrella of "lookism" also fall under things such as racism, sexism, ableism, classism etc. Racism (also colorism): Euro-centric features are seen as more beautiful like light colored eyes, straighter hair, thin nose, big eyes etc. Sexism: notion of the male gaze, what men and women are supposed to look and be like, men have to big and tall to be attractive while women have to be dainty and thin for instance etc. Ableism: if you look like you have a disability, you aren't seen as attractive, facial deformities etc. Classism: the association of poor people and a lack of taste/ tackiness, rich are sophisticated and graceful, plastic surgery as a status symbol etc. Much of what we consider beauty is dependent on the power structures and the conditioning of our society. My solution is to address the above and the go from there.

@mandyjw I can see how it can go hand in hand. If you're interested in something, you're more likely to practice and become really good at it. For my specific case, I'm currently studying finance. I got interested in finance because I thought I was good at math. I'm good at math because I enjoy dealing with numbers. I tried to think of when this enjoyment started and I traced it back to when my parents made me do extra math after school growing up. I think that extra practice and the encouragement might have conditioned me into liking math. I don't know to what extent an interest is authentic if it is conditioned. But then again, aren't many interests conditioned usually by some type of early experience? So now I'm questioning whether or not i'm genuinely into finance. I started questioning this because I started this one topic that is difficult and I caught myself thinking to myself "god I hate this." This might be just this one topic we are going over and it might just be a little bit of frustration lol but I did begin to question myself.

Dream Journal 9/1 For some reason it's the same year but I'm 10 years old again. I am back to my chubby awkward self with short hair and glasses. My dad seems annoyed at my mom for some reason and then tells me to bring all of the Andriod chargers to him while he and my mom wait in the car. I go around the house looking for all 5 of them. When I get to the 5th one, I reach for it and then my alarm clock woke me up.

Yeah people sin to make themselves happy but think about it this way, you have to make yourself happy because you weren't happy in the first place. Happiness isn't an on and off switch. You can't simply make yourself happy. It's a state of being that needs to be work towards. The exercise part of the quote isn't the most important part lmao (it was just a comedic effect in the scene of the movie). The message is that happy people don't go out of their way to make other people miserable because they are secure in themselves. Sure there is a type of happiness sinners experience. Often times these are lower levels of happiness that are often very fleeting and can lead to things like guilt, repentance, and more problems in their lives As far as sacrifice goes, yeah that happens to people in a certain stage when they are still in the process of integrating a moral framework (usually stage blue) and that comes with a lot of repression. But if it is coming from a more genuine place such as concern for others, the sacrifice doesn't feel nearly as painful because you actually want to lay down something you identify with for the sake of others. I don't feel like I'm sacrificing my desire to murder, I simply don't want to because nothing is upsetting me to the point where I would think of hurting someone. Often times the greatest sins / acts lacking in love we commit to ourselves aren't obvious to others. When we deny our own feelings, experiences etc. or when we sell our souls/ genuine desires for something like money or status because we were too afraid of going after what we wanted and instead craved something that will affirm our worth, we are in a state of pain and sin. That sin is an act of self betrayal for our egoic desires. It can be both and can feed into a never ending cycle. You aren't happy so you go manipulate someone and mess them up. Then you repent and feel guilty. You feel worse because of what you have done. To alleviate that, you do more messed up shit to try to make yourself happy but it never works.

I beg to differ. Major sinners are often very unhappy which is why they are compelled to commit those sins in the first place. Instead of having the courage to look inside themselves to heal, they desensitize their pain by projecting outwardly as they manipulate and hurt others. Their sins are an expression of their unhappiness. As Elle woods from Legally Blonde said "Exercise gives you endorphins, endorphins make you happy, and happy people don't shoot their husbands. They just don't." lmao That's just one example but that's my over all take on it haha

@Mu_ Yeah this makes a lot of sense. Actually this week I have been doing better. I started school again for the semester and when I catch myself having these thoughts and feelings, I let myself observe it for a bit and then I redirect myself to something I need to get done. I noticed that it has helped me acknowledge whats happening internally without getting too consumed in it through excessive focusing. Meditation has been helpful in processing and purging my suppressed feelings so that I'm at least aware of the inner workings of this mechanism. But lately I find that it compels me to bring out the microscope even more. I'm still going to keep meditating but I think it's good to redirect myself when I catch myself spiraling since at this point I'm already aware of whats happening and any more pondering can potentially get excessive. I really like this. I've been thinking about this for the last couple days now and it was eye opening. It just took a minute to really sink in. Thank you. I only know things from my limited ego, I can't know exactly what others are thinking/feeling because i'm not in their perspective. I only know what my ego is projecting for me. Also, I have had the realization about a couple months ago that I am the awareness rather than the thoughts. I think it's a matter of time and me solidifying my meditation practice until I fully integrate this notion.

The lack of social interest part is a side effect of moving to yellow similar to how your productivity can be reduced when you move from orange to green. As far as compassion goes, I think its good to try to read into more social issues, not in an activist sort of way but much more so in a way that compels you to empathize with people who are not in the best circumstance in society. That can also help you connect to your own emotions through relating with others, even if it isn't face to face/in person. Also meditation and mindfulness helps when it comes to connecting to your feelings. Or the notion that you are feeling disconnected from your feelings could be because you've been really calm lately. I noticed myself being more chill after I started transitioning to yellow. I wasn't feeling as much and I was wondering if something was wrong and then i realized that I just wasn't as triggered all the time like I was before.

Well it depends on what triggers you. Some questions you can ask yourself are the following (you can use this for any stage really): What aspects of green makes you uncomfortable? What aspects have you yet to delve into? What's stopping you? What do you think you're lacking from green.

Yeah I'm doing fine now but it took a lot of work to get to where I'm at. I'm still working through issues that have to do with this however the magnitude of those issues are much smaller than they were before so there is improvement. Things do get better. It's ok to take that in. Let feeling good guide you. Because that alerts you to where your needs are and aren't being met. I order to meet needs, you need to be aware of the pain but also validate it so that you go out and get that need instead of beating yourself up for being needy. You aren't weak for showing your emotions but you can end up in a position where you can get hurt if you express your emotions to someone who isn't receptive to your emotions (or hell even their's) or someone who is willing to to take advantage of that. It's ok to open up and express yourself. With the right people emotional openness is a blessing that strengthens relationships rather than something that can put you at risk. But yeah, not asking how people feel in a relationship is not normal in the slightest.

The Road Less Traveled Part 1: Discipline 1.1 I read part 1 of The Road Less Traveled. I am putting some quotes here as well as what I got from them. I'm thinking of approaching this book along side revisiting Leo's videos. They seem to complement really nicely. These notes are getting kind of long so i'm going to split this into multiple parts "Once we truly see the truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult- once we truly understand and accept it- then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted the fact that life is difficult no longer matters." This quote reminds of me resistance when it comes to the law of attraction. In order to manifest and heal, sometimes it helps to let go. If we cling too hard to something, we also cling to the notion and insecurity of not having the thing in question. If we let go of the notion that "life should be easy" we can accept the difficulties in life with ease. "Life is a series of problems. Do we want to moan about them or solve them?" Accept it and find joy in solving. Take the responsibility to distinguish what you do and don't want to suffer for. "Yet it is in this whole process of meeting and solving problems that life has its meaning." "Problems call forth our courage and our wisdom." See problems as growing opportunities. We want to avoid them because confronting problems bring pain but by avoiding pain, we also end up avoiding our potential. Don't ignore problems, grow from them I also thought of Leo's video on life advice for young people where he discusses the importance of being present in life and to deal with problems and experiences head on because this consciousness is here to experience reality in the first place "This tendency to avoid problems and the emotional suffering inherent in them is the primary basis of all human mental illness." Avoidance makes things worse Resistance/ Distraction gives way to neurosis When we distract ourselves, we open ourselves up to suffering. Pain is the initial feeling of discomfort, suffering is the secondary story we add on to it. Say you went through a painful break up and started drinking to cope. Well now you have 2 problems. First is the pain that comes from the break up and the second is the suffering that comes from drinking to avoid dealing with the first problem. See Distraction, the ego's favorite defense mechanism See Self Deception Part 1,2,3 "Delaying gratification is a process of scheduling the pain and pleasure of life in such a way as to enhance the pleasure by meeting and experiencing the pain first and getting it over with." Thought of the life purpose course and how we need to take responsibility on what we want to suffer for so that we can suffer on our own terms. What are you willing to suffer for? "More often than not, these children are punished frequently and severely throughout their childhood- slapped, punched, kicked, beaten and whipped by their parents for even minor infractions. But this discipline is meaningless. Because it is undisciplined discipline." This reminded me of how my parents pushed me too hard growing up in school. I there lies the reason why I procrastinate on work. I was pushed to hard and as a coping mechanism I try to avoid and take as many breaks as possible. This section talked about how there needs to be love in discipline because without love, we see discipline as pain and therefore want to avoid structure and actual discipline in our lives, therefore leading us into chaos. Talked about how to love you need to give discipline and attention to children by observing them to understand what they truly need. Also talked about the concept of being there for your kids because when you're there for them and suffer with them, they learn that suffering isn't too bad and they will want to take responsibility. Undisciplined discipline comes from parents who didn't bother to take the discipline of being there for their kids and observing what the kid actually needs. Discipline comes from a place of feeling values (if your time has value, you won't want to procrastinate for instance) Children adapt to what their parents are doing because they want to survive. Abandonment is the worst thing that can happen because they are dependent. When you send the message of conditional love, you are threatening abandonment. You are making them feel unworthy. "Problems don't go away. They must be worked through or else they remain, forever a barrier to the growth and development of the spirit." This section talked about how often times people don't take the time to learn in order to solve problems. They want a quick way out of suffering. Made me think of avoidance, distractions, and instant gratification all because we want to avoid pain "What we resist, persists"- If we don't accept and confront our problems they will still be there. Touches on this notion that "kids grow out of their problems" is an excuse from parents to avoid responsibility for teaching the kid right from wrong Also touches on victim mentality. Reminded me of Leo's video on taking 100% responsibility Speaking of responsibility, the book discusses how it's easy for kids to internalize problems and how that isn't the same as taking responsibility. Responsibility and knowing how to respond accordingly is about taking the power back so you can create agency for yourself to create change. It's the gateway to empowerment, not something that will beat you down. Fault on the other hand points fingers and is rooted in ego, even if you point the finger and blame yourself. I would recommend keeping this in mind because seeing responsibility as a way of putting the blame on yourself is the number one thing that deters people from wanting actually take responsibility and feel better

@Mu_ If it isn't in the realm of figuring out, does that mean I should let it be? Can the process and attitude of "figuring it out" part of the problem itself? Just trying to see if I am understanding your perspective

And that is perfectly ok. You don't have to get everything from the get go. It takes some time to grow into growing. It's where you are right now in your journey. Honor that. It's ok. Validating your pain and reaching out for a healthy support system is an important part of going through the healing process, especially when it comes to abusive situations. I've been there. Anyone who invalidates that pain and tells you to just get over it isn't helping. It's very unempathetic and no one deserves to be kicked when they already feel down. There are empathetic people out there, it's just a matter of finding them. You are not weak or egoic for feeling pain. That type of treatment can really cut to the core of someone and really expose them to a plethora of other issues. Your reaction to all of this is perfectly natural and anyone in your shoes would feel that way even if they aren't aware of it. You are also not weak for taking your time with what you're going through. Given the context, it's normal for it to take time. It's not something that you can flip a switch on and nor should that be the expectation. No something like that isn't strange. It can take a while to come to that type of conclusion especially when gas lighting is involved. And yeah, it's an asshole move to get into a relationship when you don't even like the other person. Sounds like she had her own issues in regards to her own self worth to where she needed someone who likes her to validate her feelings at the cost of her not liking her partner in the first place. It's completely selfish and highly destructive for both of yall. That on you and your openness to healing at this part of your journey. You can do this. Don't give up on that hope

When it comes to your first relationships, or first anything for that matter, it's easy to be impressionable in those situations since you don't have that many experiences to compare it to. Because you don't have many prior experiences, you're rolling with the punches and don't always know how to handle things. Especially if that first experience is bad, it is difficult to let go. Don't underestimate that. It's ok to be resistant. It's ok to take time to figure this stuff out. You can acknowledge that pain and the tumultuous road to recovery without turning it into a limiting belief/ victim mentality where you just give up because it's too hard. It's hard but it's important to accept that it's hard so you can keep going. If you have prior experiences with feeling lonely and unlovable, you're more likely to fall into situations that reaffirm that and magnify it. From what i understand, you had this issue, your ex put a magnifying glass on it and made it worse, and you didn't get out in the first red flag and stuck around for multiple instances where she treated you badly because you had this belief about yourself in the back of your mind. If you never had that belief that could be affirmed in the first place, you probably would have gotten out earlier because the whole situation would seem absurd to you. Sometimes we stick around in situations that makes us feel bad because it reaffirms how badly we feel about ourselves. Which also goes back to how getting with a ton of girls and becoming likable won't solve anything. Even if you attract everyone, if you have that core belief, you will still gravitate towards unhealthy situations and choose them over everyone else. All of this is subconscious of course. Fix that core belief first and then focus on things like appearance and what not. If you focus on appearances beforehand, it will already reaffirm what you feel about yourself and that is the notion that you aren't worthy just the way you are. Also looks do matter, I'm not going to sugar coat that. I will be honest and say that looks wise that I have a specific type. But my "type" often looks ugly to some of my friends who have a completely different "type." But the key is understanding looks matter but not making it into a limiting belief which given what you, given have gone through, need to focus on. Looks matter but it isn't something that is standardized. Looks matter when it comes to personal preferences but it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things because there are so many different types of preferences that you're bound to be attractive in a lot of peoples eyes regardless of what you look like or what you think you look like. It's perfectly understandable that you have this belief that looks matter but I would critique that belief more without beating yourself up about it. I can see how constantly being told that looks don't matter feels like an invalidation of your perceived reality the trauma that you went through. And pushing down that experiences and not letting yourself feel will create more resistance and can cause you to dig your heels in more. What you went through is horrible and it's ok to recognize it, limiting beliefs and all. Only then can you heal. I'm glad that you are taking responsibility and seeing how you could have contributed to this situation. However, it's important to be able to distinguish responsibility from fault since we tend to see them as one and the same. Responsibility is your ability to respond. Beating yourself up for something that isn't your fault is the opposite of responsibility, it's victim mentality. Beating yourself up won't help you respond to the situation. Creating narratives of self loathing won't heal you from being hurt. Responsibility and knowing how to respond accordingly is about taking the power back so you can create agency for yourself to create change. It's the gateway to empowerment, not something that will beat you down. Fault on the other hand points fingers and is rooted in ego, even if you point the finger and blame yourself. I would recommend keeping this in mind because seeing responsibility as a way of putting the blame on yourself is the number one thing that deters people from wanting actually take responsibility and feel better. I don't think that this is what you're doing. I'm just saying this to keep in mind about it in the future since it's an easy trap a lot of people, myself included, fall into.

I'm glad that you are also trying to allow yourself to be happy lately. Also what consists of more love will depend on a person and their circumstance but yes in general, everyone needs more love. I think you are always allowed to have good things for yourself and let yourself be happy regardless of moral grounding. However, when you don't have a moral grounding, it's easier to grasp on to things that you think you'll make you happy (like exploitation etc) rather than things that will actually make you happy. Developing a solid moral grounding is an act of love to increase your levels of happiness. That's how I see it. I'm majoring in finance and international relations with a minor in human rights. I already did a lot of my social science courses. I enjoyed all them immensely. If you ever want to talk about social sciences and policy let me know. I'm more than enthusiastic to discuss

Yeah this seems like a big limiting belief. I'm glad that you recognize that you don't want to able to attract girls and you know that your fixation on sex is because it is rooted in insecurity. There is this notion that you will be liked more if you were "attractive" (which is really subjective) and you will be able to connect with other's if you aren't ugly. Even if you suddenly turn into the most attractive guy in your area, you will still feel this way. Even after having a girl friend, which means you are capable of connection, from what I understand is that it still didn't satiate your needs for feeling beautiful and therefore worthy of love and connection (because or else you wouldn't be here on this forum). Doing things to attract more girls and more sex is going to do nothing except cover up the issue so you can avoid it and not face it head on. It's a distraction from the actual work. The real issue is that you need to understand that you are worthy of connection regardless of looks, therefore transcending you envy in the first place. I can't say where to go from here because solutions are often very individualized but something I would try are affirmations. Yes, it's going to be silly and even unnatural at first but have a list of statements you repeat to yourself every single day (like "you're handsome etc."). You have been programmed with the belief that you are ugly because your ex affirmed that belief in you, not because it is actually true. It doesn't have to be true for you to align with that notion. Similarly, even if you think you aren't handsome, that doesn't have to be true for you to affirm that to yourself and get rid of that insecurity. Luckily what has been programmed can be deprogrammed. Another thing I would say to try is therapy if you can afford it. I think there is a lot of things going on apart from your looks. That last relationship made you feel unworthy of connecting with people and made love feel like this conditional thing. Those conditions can be anything depending on what the toxic person has decided and in your case that condition was your looks. I had something similar happen to me and for me my condition was being smart enough. Work this out with a professional. You had a difficult relationship in the past and it's going to be really hard to get over it if you don't do that introspection (either alone or with a professional). It's a festering wound that won't be filled even if everyone likes you and wants to connect with you because you haven't integrated that belief with yourself.

Yes I do think that's how it works. It worked for me every single time in the past. But then again, I have a broad definition of a solution to a puzzle. Sometimes the solution is more tangible where I need to do x y and z to deal with something. Other times the solution is more conceptual like understanding something about a person or situation to change my attitude with something. And some times the solution is me being more accepting and loving of the circumstances at play so that I can release the resistance that is holding me back so that the thing in question can pass through me. Honestly I have no clue.

I think it's also to connect to yourself on a deeper level. Many people give up their belongings because they don't want to be defined by what they own. I think that can apply to people as well. When you have a lot of people and friends around, it's easy to fall into different social dynamics with them and then learn to define yourself relative to how you guys interact with one another (regardless of the consciousness level of you and the people you're interacting with). When you're alone, you don't get to bounce your identity, experiences, and personality back and forth with others. When you're alone, there is just the self and there is nothing else to connect to except the self. I leaned so much more about myself in times when I was alone than times when I had a busy social circle because I was forced to look within myself rather than compare and interact externally and use those as a definition of who I am. Identity, experiences, personality, things, these are all identifiers of the false self or the ego. These are all subject to change and are fluent. The only thing that is constant is consciousness itself.

Dream Journal 8/31 I bought some new clothes at zara and after one wash they are completely torn. That was disappointing and kind of annoying. Also I dropped my phone and it got cracked pretty badly despite it having a case. I went to some beach party. It was fun but I was getting bored. I decided to head back into my hotel room. There was the most beautiful sunset I have ever seen. There is also this large boat up in the distance. Suddenly, one of the sails of the boat catches fire. The sky, the setting, everything was washed with a hue of orange. There is a restaurant that is rather far from the boat but really close to where I was walking. That also caught fire. I assumed my parents were worried so I began running to my hotel room. I entered and ran through a strip club so that I can get to where I want to go faster. Everyone there is calm for some reason and they look like they are carrying on like usual. I get to the front door just exciting the club. The cops show up. There is like an entire swat team running around everywhere. Then I head a round of bullets. Some people got shot. This felt like a war zone. I took cover and played dead and for some reason i'm not panicked at all by this. Next thing I know I get to my house. For some reason the house is at the beach even though I don't live near a beach. The sun isn't setting anymore, instead it's noon. I'm chilling in my car near my house watching youtube videos and then I hear moans from a few cars over and realize there are complete strangers just having sex there. I turn my earphones on louder. And for some reason the phone didn't have cracks. Also I know this sounds like an absolute nightmare but it didn't scare me in the slightest. I had this "oh god not another thing" feeling of inconvenience but there wasn't a moment where I was panicked. It just felt like a strange chaotic mess. (I also remember seeing a tweet a while back saying something along the lines of "have you noticed that even though you're always on your phone it never shows up in your dreams?" and I was like yeah wtf. After typing this out, I think that this is the first time I ever saw my phone in my dreams)

@Artsu i agree. It's good to have a lot of love and empathy but there needs to be a balance with healthy sense self preservation. A healthy sense of self preservation is also a great act of love. The advice on which way one needs to lean towards relies on where one is in the spectrum and what one needs to do to return to an equilibrium.

@Jacob Morres I went through and skimmed over his videos on youtube and they seem like a pretty good resource to go off of in this issue in particular. I have yet to watch anything because I'm currently bogged down with work but I just wanted to let you know that I really appreciate your recommendation

I immediately thought of this video. It's really good in articulating toxic femininity in a way that it doesn't seem like it's trolling. Karine Alourde's entire channel is a pretty good femininity channel because she recognizes the different forms femininity can take according to culture and personality and she doesn't turn femininity into a dogma, a hypergamous mess, or this notion of being a pretty, perfect wife and mother. I would recommend her channel for both men and women when it comes to embracing femininity.