soos_mite_ah

This just made my day. It really cracked me up lmao

But why do most of the guys I see the ones that never had any issues with approaching and sleep around constantly? I feel like I'm surrounded by fuck boys 90% of the time. I know that not all guys are like this. This may be rude (or horribly short sided on my part because of my surroundings) but I swear that the only place where I have seen guys who are afraid to approach girls. guys who aren't constantly getting laid, and guys who don't have a list of hoes in their phones is in this forum. If anything, I mainly see women struggle with dating because they keep getting played, never approached, or struggling in a toxic relationship.

Self Development as a Part of My Self-Esteem I have talked about this in a different post about how one of the toxic reasons why I got into self improvement was because of this notion that there was something wrong with me an how in order to be loved I need to be developed. Going through this ego backlash made me realize how the thought of backsliding does threaten my sense of self worth. And then this causes me to backslide even more. But recognizing an ego backlash as an ego backlash doesn't address the fallacy that self development does not make a person more worthy. The reason why seeing an ego backlash as something that will cause me to make progress in self development and grow me even more makes me feel better is because that essentially says "don't worry, this isn't threatening your ego, it will build it up even more, just be patient." I don't know if this post is making sense because I don't think I'm articulating it well but saying something is a part of your growth when you are back sliding when you base your worth on moving forward just reinforces things in a way. Also this type of thinking can lead to looking down on others who are not as far along in their self actualizing journey or who are struggling with life in general. It could lead to a superiority (look at me I'm so developed) and inferiority complex (I'm such a bad person for not being as conscious as I could have) as well. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is a tangent but yesterday I saw a picture of a guy I liked some time ago. I don't have feelings for him anymore but everytime I see him I ask myself wtf I'm doing with my life? I feel behind in life, like I'm not going enough, like I'm back to my 17 year old self again. It's almost as all of my work went out the window and I'm brought back to an earlier age. Then I told myself this. "You are doing a lot and you have made a lot of progress. But even if you didn't and you stagnated, why would that be a bad thing? Your worth isn't dependent on how much you have grown. You are and always will be worthy no matter what state your consciousness, your mood, or your life circumstance is in." That alleviated some of the emotions and it wasn't as piercing or intense as it once was. But in a way I still felt like I was 17 again. I think a part of myself wants to be 17 again because of how I feel dissatisfied with my life right now. I'm jealous of 17 year old me. Right now I'm not making good grades. Right now I don't have a solid group of friends. I had those things back then and because of that I felt confident and self assured about the future. I felt like I was going somewhere in life. In that way I felt safe (see smart= safety). But then again, I think 17 year old me would also be jealous of me as well. I have grown a lot as a person and I have removed a lot of my blockages that were bringing me down. It isn't a worth thing rather I guess in some ways 17 year old me would look at me right now and think, damn she feels more in alignment. As I write this out I just got a thought. We don't chase objects or status symbols, we chase feelings and state of being. The objects we chase are the forms we believe these feelings take. Because I feel 17 again, part of me feels as if it regressed back to orange to where I'm putting my happiness in my ability to be successful and have friends. I know this isn't true but I guess there is part of me deep down inside that thinks this. It's important to note down that we regress when there is something in a prior developmental stage that is unresolved. I think I remember mentioning somewhere that part of me also pursued self development, not for self development's sake but to gain material success. So now, because I'm not getting this success just yet, part of me is frustrated and is questioning if I'm even growing at all. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I know that I have posted these videos earlier in my journal but I think it's worth reposting and reiterating.

I think that this video can be helpful. I remember seeing a quote a few times around in this forum that is along the lines of "motivation needs a motive while inspiration needs spirit." Find something that you genuinely like and that feels aligned with your spirit rather than something that you feel that you are obligated to do. Also I also came across this idea that there is no such thing as a lack of motivation rather it is misplaced motivation. For instance, if instead of doing your work you want to sleep all day someone may say that shows a lack of motivation towards work. However, you could flip it around and say that you have a ton of motivation towards sleep. I guess you could see this and apply it to your life to view situations. Instead of asking yourself why you lack motivation to do a thing, ask yourself why you are motivated to do something else. The later will help you identify your blockages and address them so you can flow into whatever you want to do instead of applying brute force to your situation and forcing yourself to do what you want to do. Going solely on brute force and grit can get exhausting. Flowing into what you truly want to do can help you move more towards inspiration and authenticity.

I agree. Also not taking things personally and understanding what other people do isn't always a reflection of who you are rather it could just be their mental state/ additional factors. Same goes with situations. The world isn't out to get you. Sometimes things just happen. A large component of emotional mastery is not internalizing things. I think that phrase is extremely contextual. On one hand it could mean standing up to your values regardless of what the opposition thinks instead of keeping to yourself and getting walked all over. For instance, standing up for racial equality will piss of white supremacists. On the other hand it could be used to justify bad behavior like the example you mentioned

Depends, if you're not getting angry because you repress anger and aren't comfortable expressing it, that is not a sign of emotional mastery. It's the opposite. Anger can tell us if our boundaries are getting crossed and then we can see how to go about it (either communicating setting boundaries, reinforcing them, leaving a toxic situation, or if it ticks you off for a bad reason examine what wound is being picked at). Anger, when it isn't reactive or volatile, is a useful emotion and can give good insight. However if you don't get angry often because you genuinely don't feel anger, then yeah that could be emotional mastery. If you aren't getting angry often it could mean that you already did things like healing from wounds that could get picked at, setting boundaries, left a toxic situation. In other words, the alarm bells aren't going off because there isn't anything to be alarmed about.

Mastery over actions is important and so is letting your emotions run free so that you don't repress it. However think of it in a scenario like this. Say you get angry. Mastering your actions would help you not get super reactive to where you would do something you get. But what if you don't get that angry in the first place I would add that there is a way to control your emotions without repressing them. One of the reasons why emotions hit so hard is because there is some underlying wound it's picking at, usually because of trauma. For instance if there is a guy that makes fun of you and insults you where it hurts (because of trauma, that particular thing is more vulnerable for you), you will probably have your emotions all over the place regardless of whether if you take action against him. If you didn't have that trauma/wound, that insult would just brush off of you of if it hurts it won't hurt that much. In order to heal, you can't repress. Therefore one of the biggest things you can do is heal any traumas and trigger, big or small. Then whatever emotional experience is left can be dealt with feeling it presently and completely. If you feel into your feelings presently and completely, you won't repress anything and after processing it you won't have that much trauma left over. Also, something that helps is separating the feeling from the feeler. You aren't your emotions, you are the one experiencing the emotion. Knowing this can help not internalizing feelings so that we can experience them and release them accordingly. When it comes to negative emotions, we can also acknowledge this as a passing state rather than assume that this despair will last forever. It will only last forever if you think it will and if you hold on to it.

To me Ralph and Teal are incredibly emotionally smart and gives decent advice most of the time but when it comes to understanding how the world works whether it is scientifically or systemically, they are completely lost. It's like having that friend that gives good relationship advice but has their life in a mess because they aren't practical or grounded.

Her advice also changed my life for the better. I still watch her videos but when it comes to certain things, I can disagree with her on that. I don't agree with everything she says or does, and I do recommend having a healthy dose of skepticism, but nevertheless there is a lot of gold in what she is teaching. You just need to be able to differentiate that instead of following her blindly.

I think it's also hints of blue that can sneak in with green. Green does talk about how hierarchies shouldn't be a thing and how the 1% in power is ruining everything. Some people take green ideology as dogma instead of growing into green. Those people who try to go into green too fast and turn it into a dogma see the 1% in power and make it into a whole conspiracy theory about the "elites" Both green and blue deal with talking about the elites. Green has data and science that it integrated from stage orange to support its views while stage blue will start talking about COVID the same way ralph is. I have met plenty of people who have green values but they ascribe to a bunch of conspiracy theories like blue because they didn't go through the whole science and rationality phase. That's why it's so important to go through stages instead of skipping them. Green's ideal for community and empathy, if it wasn't checked with orange's desire to test things, would turn into blue dogma. And same, after he started saying things about COVID I was out. He did say other crazy shit in the past in regards to health before. One instance that really made me question his train of thought was how he thought that if a woman purifies herself through spirituality she would stop having her menstrual cycle because periods happen to purify the body and if there isn't any impurities there won't be a need to purify. He said that to do this you would need to go on an all vegan diet or something along the lines of restricting what you eat. I'm not trying to say that veganism will stop your period, but if you restrict your calories too much (sometimes by restricting what kind of foods you can eat), your body will think you are starving and you won't get your period anymore. It's not because you are purifying yourself. It's because you're literally starving. But yeah, his health advice is bat shit. His stance on the pandemic was waaaay too much for me.

Ralph Smart, Teal Swan, and the new age movement as a whole are great sources for increasing emotional intelligence, being in touch with your feelings, and getting out of the "rationality only" paradigm. But as far as medical advice from the new age movement, I would tread VERY carefully. While I think things like maintaining mental health to aid physical health and eating more plant based meals are great, I feel that if you don't have a good integration of stage orange science before moving to green, you could fall prey to some harmful things. Here are some of the wild things I found when I started getting into more new agey content: people that take veganism to an extreme/ dogma people who try to become frutarian or bretharian (frutarian is when your diet is only fruit and breatharian is when you diet is literally only air), people who think crystals and vibes will solve everything including cancer people who are opposed to vaccines and western medicine I can't say that I'm surprised that Teal Swan and Ralph Smart are anti vaxers and think this whole thing is a hoax but I will say that I was disappointed. I still watch Teal's content since I find them useful but as far as her views on COVID goes, I won't bother to watch those videos. I sometimes watch ralph smart for some good vibes but as soon as he starts talking about pseudoscience, I'm out. I feel like these are some of the reasons why orange is so opposed to green. In some cases, it's rightly so. But orange tends to throw the baby out with the bath water where they discredit the entire new age movement and spirituality because of some problematic aspects.

I think that this realization has been one of the most important realizations for me dealing with my procrastination and anxiety. I immediately feel a weight lifted off my shoulders and I feel myself going into flow more. I feel that this realization threatens my identity as someone who is dedicated to self actualization and awareness more than the other evaluations I had. It threatens me to the extent I want to change my identity as a procrastinator and an anxiety ridden person. As Leo's videos on fear says in order to get rid of fear you need to change your identity.

The Brilliance of My Self Deception So... remember when I said that smart won't make me immune to self deception and if anything it means that my self deception will be more sophisticated......? I know I have the tendency to prioritize self care over working hard on something. I noticed that whenever I have homework or something that I don't want to do, my mind does this thing that makes me sleepy on the spot because it knows that when I feel sleepy I will prioritize self care over doing the task at hand. I wont do the thing that I need to do meaning my anxiety has successfully helped me avoid facing up to my procrastination. Another sneaky way that my mind has used self deception on me is by weaponizing peace and meditation. Sometimes I feel this rush of peace and relief whenever I let go of something I need to do. However, this isnt actual peace, its avoidance. That avoidance gives me a sense of safety which makes me feel the illusion of peacefulness. Similarly, I also use meditation as a way to avoid issues. Instead of doing what I'm supposed to do, I put in an extra meditation session so I sit around, do nothing, and convince myself I'm making progress. I know this whole meditation as avoidance may seem unusual because meditation as a habit seems so healthy, but something like this is possible. It's similar to how some people get addicted to exercise even though exercise is generally very good for you. In other words, the devil co-opted self care, state of peace, and meditation and made them tools of self deception. Why? Because these are the three things that I'm least likely to assume are forms of self deception. My ego is so smart and sneaky. I can't even be shocked or mad. That was so clever. Absolutely brilliant. Beautiful.

I think this video presents a good higher consciousness way of being disciplined. Basically if you have issues doing something, don't force yourself to do it rather address the resistance that is making you not want to do it. Once you clear that, you can easily do what you want to do instead of forcing yourself.

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to be better, but I think the problem can arise when it comes to wanting to be better than someone else. There is a difference between the two. Sure inspiration and the drive to improve is great but I'm talking mainly in the context of comparison.

Productivity as a Part of Trauma Normally the observation I have made is that the more trauma I release and the more I work on my mental health, the more productive I become. However, I'm also thinking of the possibility of it being the other way around where I have trauma related to productivity. I have touched on this before in my "Smart=Safety" post where I discuss how I avoided doing certain tasks because I associated it with being unsafe. I also touched on the concept of undisciplined discipline. I always saw trauma as something that prevented me from working hard but now I'm also trying to see how trauma was created from working hard So basically: trauma-> not working hard vs. working hard -> trauma I have talked a lot of the first scenario but in this post I'll be talking about the second. Here are some contributing factors to the second category. 1. Late capitalism: Yesterday I went on about a whole thing internally of being a souless cog in the machine. I also have trauma related to being put in a competitive environment growing up and I began equating my sense of self with how much I could produce, well in this case how much work I could do. I realized that this was toxic and I swung waaay too far in the other direction. I also find myself being hopeless about the future. It appears as if late capitalism has made us all into drones. There are the middle class to poor people struggling to make ends meet and have fulfilling lives because in order to support themselves they need to dedicate their lives to work. I've also been exposed to rich people who pursue status even if they are well to do and have the choice to pursue a life purpose because they have been fed the notion of "you are what you own, you are what you make, and you are you're job position." Apart from chasing materialism a lot of these people also make themselves work crazy long hours in jobs they don't like and then that leads to the manifestation of dysfunction elsewhere in their lives. Its similar to seeing how the patriarchy is destructive towards men. Sure men get the better end of the stick just like the rich get the better end of capitalism but both parties are still psychologically affected and hurt from the system that benefits them at face value. Sometimes I also fantasize about being a housewife and remove myself from this situation all together. However, I know how that story ends and how that puts a strain on a relationship because of added obligations. It simply isn't sustainable. Even my escapist fantasy doesn't check out. It feels like there is no escape. I want to be in a place where I can be free both from the worries of how I'm going to support myself but also free to be creative and do what I want. Which leads me to the fourth scenario, being self employed and pursuing a life purpose. That is also something that seems scary to me. 2. Being afraid of hard work There is a part of me that is ashamed of being afraid of hard work. After all society always says things about glorifying working yourself to the bone. There was a period of time where I did work myself to the bone and I got the consequences from that. I was terribly burnt out and my mind just checked out one day. This went on from February 2019 all the way to about June 2019. I did learn a lot about myself and I learned to stop defining myself according to what I produce. But that period was also traumatic now that I think about it. It's like I want to coddle myself to avoid ever ending up like that again. Also my grades tanked during this time and I still have nightmares regarding that to this day. I also see hard work as pure resistance. I know that isn't true if I actually think about it. For instance, when I'm doing something I care about such as journaling, I can write a long post and not get tired afterwards. It aligns with what I genuinely want to do, therefore removing resistance. I can watch a lot of videos on personal development in one sitting with my absolute attention and not get tired. If anything it refreshes me. What is considered work and play are relative terms. I'm sure there are people who have tried to journal like this and have tried to dedicate themselves to self development but they find it exhausting work instead. There is also this quote that I'm trying to take into consideration which is something along the lines of "you're going to suffer regardless so you need to find what is worth suffering for." This quote is about finding a higher sense of purpose that makes the resistance worth it. While I am willing to agree with that, I would also add the notion of finding what kind of suffering feels like your bliss. . . . I guess both of these ultimately comes down to appreciating orange instead of only focusing on it's negatives and combining it with healthy green ideals of connection and gentleness to soften the discipline so that it doesn't become undisciplined discipline.

I'm in this video and I don't like it (no but actually, this explains a lot of my anxiety pretty well)

Orange moving towards green after realizing consumerism isn't going to make them happy and that they'll have to open up their heart. I know this is just the trailer but I would recommend the documentary to anyone who is in a similar transition on the spiral atm.

I can already see the shift happening on a political level in the U.S. at least where most young people are for progressive politics and are concerned with mental health because of late capitalism. But this? I feel like this is next level. Can't wait to see what things are going to look like in general 50 years down the line.

About 5 years ago I decided to dedicate a considerable amount of time to self-improvement and raising the quality of my life internally. The time I dedicated to self-actualization was taken form time I could have spent doing something else. As a result, I didn't do as well in school as I probably could have and sometimes I wonder if I would be more successful if I took a more mainstream route. Some examples that articulate this are the following Instead of pushing myself super hard, I decided to take it a little easier in school so that I have time to contemplate and improve myself. I didn't think that getting caught up in a competitive, dog eat dog mindset would be healthy for me mentally or in terms of my success. I still wanted to take things and enjoy life instead of working myself to the bone at 15. I decided to take on activities that I genuinely enjoyed as opposed to what would make me successful in say college applications. Because of that, I suppose people wouldn't see me as "standing out as a leader" because of the types of activities I was focused in. I mainly focused on things that would make me happy and creative as opposed to something that didn't resonate and/or would have felt forced like debate (I just wasn't into it at the time). During college I immersed myself in therapy and self help work because I was dealing with serious trauma. My logic was that it's best if I dealt with this trauma early on instead of having the trauma sabotage me in the future. I limited the activities I took on in college and the amount of time I spent socializing. In other words I didn't see the typical college experience. My college experience was mainly me meditating and contemplating which were much more inward focused rather than doing things that were more outward focus such as socializing. Granted I ran into a handful of personal issues that I felt required me to take more time to myself instead of spread myself too thin, however, I could argue that most people who encounter something like this push through it any way and still focus their energy outwards and don't try to stop and be conscious of what's actually going on inside. At least from what i see, those people have more normal and successful lives but then again, I don't know these people and what's going on in their heads. This might be a case of the grass being greener on the other side. I've tried to hold my values and my desire for peace and authenticity over success. If I'm going to be honest, sometimes I don't know if I have made the right decision. Sometimes I look at people who haven't done this work and wonder if ignorance is bliss. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been more successful and fulfilled if I hadn't spent so much time contemplating and working on myself? Sometimes I also wonder if the work that I have done on myself will actually pay dividends and yield to even more success and fulfillment, may be not now, but down the line. What are yall's thoughts on this? Have yall experienced anything similar? Have yall had doubts on whether to continue self actualization in any part of the journey?

Limitations/ Excesses of the Stages (Green and Yellow) These are taken from Leo's Spiral Dynamics videos. I have put time stamps in which parts I'm noting down according to each corresponding video, meaning if there is a time stamp after a portion I noted in the stage green section, I'm referring to the time in the stage green video. Underneath each portion is how I am dealing with it and how I have dealt with it in my own life. Each bolded portion is the thing that I'm currently working on right now. Green (1:17:00 - 1:50:00) Green can lie to avoid hurting people's feelings instead of working on yourself (1:49:55) Can eliminate boundaries too much (no borders etc.) (1:45:34) Empathy can be exploited and manipulate and therefore become a door mat (1:45:12) Can be too trusting of red and can't help everyone (1:42:38) Not being able to distinguish between feminine and masculine compassion (1:30:15) I have dealt with these things by understanding the importance of boundary setting to protect your own needs and interests. I have also addressed a lot of codependency issues in my relationships and started validating my own needs Can romanticize stage purple too much (1:43:20) Too stuck in it's perspective of equality (1:41:33) Can deny differences too much (1:39:40) Sometimes Green wants to flatten hierarchies too much (1:27:37) Green can fall into the false equivalency trap (1:25:00) I have dealt with a lot of these problems by studying spiral dynamics in depth and through studying different cultures through a self development lens. Can be too entitled. The reason why a lot of people are green is because of the circumstances they grew up with (1:38:30) Naïve pacifism. Sometimes green loves peace and love so much they can't accept the harshness of the world (1:26:54) Green doesn't appreciate the necessity of the lower stages. (1:21:41) You need to meet the people where they're at not where you're at which is difficult for an idealistic person to do (1:24:25) I have also dealt with this set of issues by understanding spiral dynamics more. In addition to that I have tried to look into different cultures and people who may embody the earlier stages to evaluate how earlier coping mechanisms aid in survival. I have also done a version of this in my own self development journey to see how the earlier stages in the Cook Greuter model built upon where I am today. Sometimes a coping mechanism looks very dysfunctional and messed up from a higher perspective but when you're in that moment, that same coping mechanism feels necessary or something that is easier to fall into because of a lack of prior infrastructure. Naïve pacifism. Sometimes green loves peace and love so much they can't accept the harshness of the world (1:26:54) While I have dealt with this particular thing in the previous paragraph, I still find myself with issues regarding fully transcending this. I'm much better at dealing with this than a couple years ago but I will say that the issues in society still does pull at my heart strings and it does hurt. Caring too much can lead to burn out (1:32:27) Can be overzealous when it comes to social causes (1:32:53) Green can be reactionary (1:35:45) Green can get to easily offended and sensitive. People won't always play to your sensitivities and the world can be brutal. (1:17:23) Again, learning about spiral dynamics helped immensely. I also learned to set boundaries in regards to how much I'm going to care about social issues. I still have my views but I do limit the amount of news I intake to avoid stressing myself out. That isn't selfish because of an unwillingness to care. If anything, I think it can be constructive because not stressing yourself out can help you choose your own battles, be more efficient, and actually come up with solutions to help the situation. Green can be bad with finances, over regulate, and over tax (1:45:24) Can stifle independence and entrepreneurial spirt (1:36:00) Green can fail to appreciate the complexity of the economy (1:24:26) Green tends to demonize materialism (1:20:20) Majoring in business helped me realize that corporations aren't these all powerful, terrible entities that are trying to screw over everyone else. Nevertheless I do think that there needs to be regulations so that businesses don't get so self interested and in turn screw everyone over. My point is that there is more nuance than that. Also by studying economics, sociology, and international relations, I learned how simply throwing away capitalism won't solve our problems and instead we need to integrate and transcend capitalism by embracing it but also putting limits on to it. Previously I had this attitude of "fuck the billionaires" and "eat the rich" etc. For that, talking things out on this forum helped me as well particularly in this specific thread. Green guilt: failure to live up to equality and justice for all. This is a problem because guilt is not a good place to come up with solutions so it's best to release the guilt (1:35:59) Green doesn't appreciate the necessity of the lower stages. (1:21:41) You need to meet the people where they're at not where you're at which is difficult for an idealistic person to do (1:24:25) I dealt with this when I began understanding that there aren't bad people rather there is a bad system that incentivized bad behavior. I also began taking note of my own hypocrisy to dismantle how I feel holier than thou towards conservatives and how I feel guilty for not fully living up to ideals such as "there is no ethical consumption under capitalism." This understanding of bad systems instead of bad people helped me get over demonizing the lower stages as well. It goes to the yellow idea that mankind's problems isn't anyone's fault rather it is how we are moving in our path to development. Green can be too idealistic and full of heart. It lacks the ability to act out on a plan because of a lack of strategy. Sharing feelings and creating a dialog doesn't solve the problem (1:17:58). I had a sociology professor that taught about the sociology of social movements and she really drilled in the notion of how "raising awareness" isn't going to change the system and solve problems. I think she is right in a certain extent but I also believe creating a dialog can set the foundation for coming up with solutions because if you have enough people aware about a situation they will vote in a certain way which will make enacting solutions more efficient (awareness alone is curative). But yeah, creating dialog and sharing feelings alone isn't the end all be all to all of our problems that's for sure. Her class discussed this in a very in depth way and really helped me break free from this paradigm. Group think and mob mentality. Green can be ideological (1:18:48) I went to a seminar in my college where there was a conservative speaker talking about the mob mentality and the identity politics of liberals. It was eye opening and throughout that entire seminar, I began think of how Leo talks about how in debates each side points out the self deception in the other without recognizing that same self deception in themselves. Funny enough, this argument was intended to make people move towards being conservative but I think it made me a leftist in the sense of instead of being bogged down in issues such as representation and political correctness I just want to change the system as a whole so the later two will be fixed as a by product. Can be too entitled. The reason why a lot of people are green is because of the circumstances they grew up with (1:38:30) A lot of these things regarding addressing the issues with green have come from me educating myself more and me going to college. That's something that is incredibly important to take into consideration. Can love to talk about spirituality but be unable to embody it (1:37:02) I think this is something I am dealing with right now. I think it becomes much more of a problem when it comes to shifting to yellow which I will talk about in the next section with yellow. Yellow (1:38:00- 1:45:00) Yellow is still stuck in duality. There is no possibility for deep mysticism because yellow is too stuck in the thinking mind. As a result they can fall into the trap of confusing the map for the territory (1:38:27) I think I need to maybe experiment with psychedelics once I take care of my other issues. Also I have been trying to be more mindful of different areas of my life where I confuse the map for the territory. Recently I wrote out all of the classes I need to take and I looked at it and I was like "wow this won't be too hard, I just need to do x,y,and z" but I know that in the moment when I'm actually going to be in those classes, I'm likely going to be stressed out. I think this can be dealt with the whole concept of how awareness alone is curative. Yellow is not ready to escape the mind. They aren't ready to do that yet because they are still so fascinated with different models and concepts. Basically they can be unwilling to transcend models and concepts (1:38:56) Yeah that's right, I'm not ready to transcend the mind just yet. I acknowledge this but I also know that I need to pass through yellow until this becomes a limitation. In order to transcend yellow, I need to embody it first. While this is something that I have short comings in, I do realize that now is probably not the best time to deal with it. That's why I have italicized it instead of bolding it. Can get bogged down in complex analysis (1:39:53). Can develop an intellectual hubris of arrogance (1:39:58) I addressed some of this in my post "Conscious Unconsciousness" where I discuss my reasoning for integrating my inner basic bitch. I also think this form of the "i'M NOt LiKE oTheR giRls" attitude as it relates of consciousness can be detrimental because there is arrogance and ego involved. However, I'm still in the process of integrating all of this. I decided to copy and paste that specific portion of that post because I don't want to water it down: Can invent futuristic solutions that aren't pragmatic. Looks good on paper but can't actualize (1:40:18). Can't finish something because they have so many ideas and visions (1:40:34) I need to really commit to a life purpose and address my ADHD. That's a whole thing on it's own that I plan to work through once I get out of this depressing/ self loathing slump. Yellow tends to be a cold individualist and a loner which becomes a problem when it comes to actualizing something because they need a team to implement a vision. They become isolated and feel lonely and disconnected (1:41:10). Yellow has a difficulty in building a community/ becoming emotionally distant and forget to connect with people because they are too focused on models (1:41:29) I have become rather disconnected with other people during my college career where I have essentially immersed myself in models. I am meaning to address that when the pandemic is up and I have more opportunities to socialize. I think this sense of disconnection and loneliness is also causing me to question whether or not self actualization is even worth it since I don't have the best foundation in relationships and external signifiers of success. I think this thread explains that pretty well: All this understanding will not lead to happiness because happiness isn't found in the mind (1:42:19) I feel called out and I'm not sure how to handle this at this moment. But I am recognizing the problem more and more because of the way I'm frequently immersed in learning Lack of embodiment of the things they learn. This can be a problem in actualize the vision because you lack the selflessness/ discipline/ socialization skills to implement your solutions. This freaks out yellow because it means that they can't rely on their concepts to do everything for them (1:42:56). I think a lot of the problems I'm having with depression is coming from a lack of embodiment of the teaching I have absorbed previously. The only way out of this is through truly embodying what I have learned. Also the whole concept of yellow freaking out because they can't rely on concepts I feel draws a parallel on how I can't rely on being smart alone to evade life issues. That parallel makes me feel called out.

For a long time I held on to this notion of "being smart" as a part of my ego because it gave me a sense of stability growing up. Now as I am trying to dissolve the ego, I'm seeing how problematic it is. As a result, I feel like I'm in a very unstable place mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I'm looking to find better forms of stability by cultivating conscious discipline by building consistent habits and by not wearing myself out too much by brow beating myself or being too harsh (because that's typically when discipline itself becomes undisciplined which turns you away from discipline as a whole, thus being counter productive). I guess now I'm looking for stability in discipline rather than ego and that discipline is going to be centered around gentleness, consistency, and intentionality. I want to know yalls thoughts. Is this a more constructive way of creating a sense of stability? How have yall cultivated stability in yalls lives? I'm trying to figure out whether I'm approaching this correctly, if there is anything I'm missing because my ego is blinding me in someway, or if there is anything else that I can look into?

I would say that it is concentrated at the top purple section so that I have a higher purpose/ values to guide me, incorporates about half of the green section in order to integrate self love, and the red section so that I can take care of my basic physiological needs. I suppose I feel this way because I have been neglecting the orange and the yellow parts in order to pour my energy towards the other sections.

The Hypocrisy of Self-Hatred Ok I'm going to expose myself real quick. Actually, I take that back. I'm going to expose the ugly voice in my head that isn't actually me rather it is the external messages I got conditioned with over the years.. I refuse to personally identify with it. I have internalized racism, elitism, fatphobia, misogyny and more. Sure I try to be informed about different issues, try to be aware of biases, both of my own and of the people around me, and I make sure that I don't project that type of treatment on to other people. BUT, I treat myself according to different standards. I am a giant hypocrite. Normally, we think hypocrisy as applying gentler standards for ourselves and being harsher with other people. I'd argue that you can do the opposite where you treat other people gently and treat yourself harshly. That is also hypocrisy because hypocrisy entails using a different set of standards for yourself compared to other people, regardless of which way it goes. The way I judge myself is unacceptable. It's often rooted in the bs that I was raised with or the bs that I was raised around. I wouldn't judge other people like that and treat them badly because I'm not an asshole, but nevertheless I judge myself that way. Hmm that doesn't make sense. Sounds like hypocrisy to me. And for me at least, sometimes recognizing that hypocrisy and that inconsistency makes me want to change it so that it's more consistent with what I actually think. In turn changing that inconsistency means that I have to change the horrible things i think of myself which in turn helps me be more loving to myself. It's important to be critical of the terrible things that are inside of us in the same way we are critical of the terrible people outside of us do. Simply put, if you wouldn't treat another person or someone you care about in that way without thinking that its demeaning, you best not be treating yourself like that. So here's to bullying the fugly voice in my head that tells me that I'm trash. Self hatred, beating yourself up for stuff, and treating yourself badly? Yeah, we don't do that here. I also made memes from Mean Girls to cope and illustrate what I'm going through lmao. Also, this whole experience is making me realize how much I don't FULLY embody everything I have learned and that is a separate existential crisis on its own.