soos_mite_ah

4/9 4:30 pm: Reflections from Day 30 (4/9) Today is the last day of Ramadan and I feel proud of being able to get this far. I wasn’t as salty about fasting as I was yesterday because I’m going to be “done” today. I put done in quotations because while Ramadan is over, I still have makeup days to do so I’m not completely done yet. Gonna be honest, I’m still not thrilled about finishing fasting. But today, I guess I wanted to be present, acknowledge how far I’ve come, and celebrate that I’ve gotten to the end of this. But there is still that little thing in my head that tells me that I don’t have the right to celebrate since I’m not done and because I had to take breaks. I’m not faulting myself for my period, but this is more so about how I took 4 days off regarding travel, the 1 day I had to break my fast, and how I have a total of 8 days left. And in my mind, 22/30 is like 75% which isn’t great. I’m glad I got through it, but it’s not like I did a great job. However, if we take out the travel (which I planned prior to deciding to / committing to / prioritizing fasting) and my period (which is a valid reason to not fast), I only missed 1 day. And I think if I look at it like that, I did a pretty damn good job as someone who is not Muslim and who is fasting for the first time ever. Out of the 8 days I broke my fast, 7 of those days was because fasting would not have been reasonable for me or my spiritual practice. My period is not something that I can really control and if I knew I was going to fast prior to booking this trip, I would have planned this differently or not have gone (even though I really wanted to go on this trip) and I think that is a testament to how seriously I took this. This reminds me of something my friend said while I was travelling. She told me that I am doing a lot but I am doing it sustainably, but I was in an environment previously where I was surrounded by people who were doing things unsustainably and who were getting rewarded for that. That goes for both travel and work. But I do think that this extends to how I view discipline itself on a subconscious level. I’m living in a world where unsustainable practices and results are what gets rewarded. You have click baity videos online depicting wild things as if they are common because that is what is rewarded by the algorithm, and unsustainable business practices that burn people out because that is what is rewarded by shareholders. You have gorgeous people pushed on you by the media whose full time job is to look good whether it be getting filler and botox, working out 3 times a day, having the best hair, makeup, and fashion experts, and are living off of chicken and lettuce. Because tips from that lifestyle is what gets people’s attention, not something that is more sustainable and realistic. You have people who have extreme diets and exercise routines with dramatic before and afters that do not apply to people who are trying to live a normal, healthy/ active life and who are already doing what they need to do and don’t need to nitpick at their diet. Because you can’t sell things to those people and get them on a treadmill of constantly feeling like they aren’t doing enough in a program that is not sustainable in the first place when what they’re doing is already great. That 5 am morning routine video is going to get more attention and more praise compared to the morning routine where a person wakes up at but is still just as productive as the person with the 5 am morning routine. I don’t have to be working constantly to where I’m doing 12-18 hour days in order to be productive, hardworking, disciplined, and care about my career. I don’t have to constantly move around and act like I’m on coke while travelling to do and see everything I want or feel like I’m making good use of my time. I don’t have to fast 30 days straight if for whatever reason it does not make sense to me. I don’t have to overwork myself and be overly perfectionistic in high school and college just to get into some prestigious institution in order to be well educated/ get the most out of my education, be considered disciplined, and be as smart as or prioritize my education as the people who do attend these institutions. I don’t have to work out 7 days a week and eat a gluten free, nut free, sugar free, oil free, vegan diet in order to have good health. I don’t need a 20 step skincare routine that costs hundreds of dollars in order to take care of my skin. Also, the fact that during my fast I’ve had days where I was sick but I can recognize that I wasn’t sick enough to break my fast and I was able to push through despite not wanting to fast shows how disciplined I was with this practice, how seriously I took this, and how, as another friend put it, I’m standing on business.

4/8 11:00pm Reflections from Day 29 (4/8) I really didn’t want to fast or go to work today. I woke up feeling like ASS. I woke up at 5, drank my water, and soon after I normally am able to fall back asleep but for whatever reason I was not able to. I laid there in bed until it was 9 and I had to go to work. I kept thinking of calling out of work at around 8 but considering the amount of sick time I have left, I don’t want to spend it all early in the year. God I hate the concept of sick days. Why can’t we be like France where if you’re sick, your sick, you don’t have to have a doctors’ note nor do you have a specific number of days you’re allowed to be sick. And because I’m not feeling well, I didn’t want to fast either. In the morning, my throat was dry and scratchy. By the time 9 am rolled around, it got significantly better. I told myself that if I didn’t feel better by 10ish that I would break my fast for health reasons. If I did feel better, I will continue fasting. And even though the later ended up being true and I kept my promise to fast, I was still salty the entire time I was fasting. But I guess in the end of the day, my desire to do this practice correctly and honestly and stick to it to the end of Ramadan (which is not that far away) outweighed my desire to skip fasting. I already have 8 days I need to make up. I don’t want that number to extend into 9 or 10. Despite starting work at 9 am, I decided to take my lunch break at 11. I needed that early lunch / nap break and I think that helped my body recuperate a little to where I was a little bit more functioning throughout the day. Also, because I’m sick, I found myself reflecting on my health and the way that fasting has done a number on me physically. I miss being able to function normally. There were many moments throughout the day that I honestly wanted to cry because I was exhausted by the practice. But I didn’t. I stuck to it. And I have completed the fast for today and most of my responsibilities. Here are some aspects of my physical health that I miss and cannot wait to get back to: A stable sleep schedule: I’m so tired of waking up at 5 am and having a ton of energy at like 12. As much as I am naturally a night owl, I do miss the structure I had and my ability to function throughout the day. Stable energy throughout the day: Similar to the last point, I hate having a burst of energy at the end of the day when I need to wind down. I miss being able to do things in a timely manner. I feel like I waste so much time in the afternoon just rotting in bed before Iftar that I could be using more efficiently. PCOS /hormone regulation: I feel like my hunger cues are all over the place and that my PCOS symptoms that are typically controlled by my birth control is getting so strong that it like seeps through the birth control. I’m breaking out. I’m growing hair where I normally don’t and I barely got my period this month. Normally, my period is pretty light when restrict food due to my toxic diet culture habits, but this month it was bad because I’m just not eating enough. Immune system: This is like the 3rd time I got sick this month. Granted, I wasn’t like full on ill to where I couldn’t fast but I feel like my immune system has really been compromised because I’m simply not eating enough. I miss the energy I had to work out and enjoy my body. The bed rot hours are affecting me mentally. I miss the time and energy I had to be sociable. I normally don’t get the energy to do much until like 8:30 pm and before that I really don’t want to talk to people. I also feel bad about isolating myself. Ability to focus: I miss being able to focus at work and get what I need to get done in a timely manner. I’m still getting what I need to get done but often times, I need to work outside of work hours. For example, instead of being able to work consistently from 9am to 6 pm, I can only focus til about 3 pm. I still stay online just in case anyone calls me but I know damn well that I’m not getting anything done until after I eat so then I wind up finishing up my work from like 10 pm to 12 am. In conclusion, while fasting itself wasn’t hard today, I very much felt frustrated, antsy, and impatient because I’m just over it regarding how fasting has been fucking with my body.

4/8 4:45pm: Reflections from Day 28 (4/7) Today was another bed rot day. I still felt sick during this day and my sleep schedule has been messed up. The only thing that got me to get up and be a functioning person was that I was going to meet up with a friend later that day and we were going to break our fast together. I got to try some new food and that was nice. And I felt significantly better after eating, as usual. I really don’t want to fast anymore. That’s all that I was thinking during this day. And it wasn’t even because I was hungry (I don’t have an appetite since I’m sick), thirsty, or even low energy rather it was more so that I got sick and while this would have been a minor thing in a normal circumstance, it feels like it’s lingering. I know it’s a thing that when you cut your calories too low that your immune system gets weaker. The main reason why I am going to keep going until the 30 days are up is because I want to stay true to my word, I don’t want to add to the makeup days, and because I’m already so so close to the end. I just kept telling myself that it’s just today and two more days and then I’ll be back to normal. I think before I do my makeup days I’m going to give myself a few days before I start fasting again. Especially since I got sick, I think my body just needs a few days to recover. I’m not sure how I’m going to do the makeup days but I do know that makeup day 1 isn’t going to be 4/10.

I'm just wondering what you guys are up to and any success stories that are life purpose related.

4/6 6:40 pm: Reflections from Day 26 (4/5) and Day 27 (4/6) Day 26 (4/5) was easier than the day before because my throat wasn’t really sore. However, the lack of sleep was messing me up. I slept from 5:30 am to 9:00 am and then took a nap sometime in the evening. I felt a sense of nervous energy midday similar to how I would feel during exam season in college. I’m sure it’s the combination of lack of food, sleep, and the drive to be productive. Normally, in these situations, eating something high in protein and fat can help calm down physiological symptoms of anxiety (don’t know the exact science but I know it’s a thing and that it does work for me) but unfortunately, I wasn’t able to do that. I took a nap instead after work and I felt dead as usual in the 2 hours leading up to dinner. Day 27 (4/6) has been the epitome of a bed rot day. Part of it is that I feel sick and the other part of it was because I was so productive yesterday that I basically just needed a day to chill. Today it was hard to wake up at 5 and drink water because my body just wanted to sleep so bad. Also, while I don’t have a sore throat or a fever like the last couple days, my sinuses have been KILLING ME!!! The night before I felt an intense sinus pressure on my teeth (it’s honestly the worst feeling) and it took me forever to fall asleep. I also had to be a mouth breather for most of the night. And because I was breathing from my mouth and the air is coming inside me via my mouth an throat, my throat has been feeling really dry and when I drank water at 5 am, it didn’t feel like it helped much. This morning was the morning that tested me the most. I really thought that I had to break my fast today because of my throat issues. But then after going to sleep at like 5:30 and waking up at noon and then waiting another 2 hours, my sinuses calmed down just a bit to where I was no longer had to breathe through my mouth. I think that helped significantly. So I decided that I was indeed going to fast today. Today was easier in the sense that normally when I’m sick I don’t really get hungry. It’s like an hour before dinner and I haven’t really felt hungry all day. I wouldn’t say I felt thirsty either but in the times when my nose would clog up and I had to breathe from my mouth, I just felt really dry. I was thinking of running to Walmart to get some medication for this sinus infection. But then I found some medicine in the bathroom AND IT WASN’T EXPIRED. I thanked god and then decided that I don’t need to go to Walmart. Honestly, I’m not even excited to eat food during Iftar, I just want to take my sinus medication lol. I really had no energy today due to me working super hard yesterday with a lack of sleep, me being sick, and me not eating. Literally my whole day has just been me in bed, sometimes sleeping or when I’m not sleeping, watching videos on YouTube. I know that I’m not supposed to be fasting when I’m sick. Granted, I don’t think I feel sick enough to where fasting would be a detriment, but I will be honest, as someone who has like 8 days she needs to make up, I’m really don’t want to add more makeup days, especially since I have gotten to day 27 and have 3 days left. Honestly, I really want to power through these 3 days and then worry about tackling the remaining 8 in a pace that is more sustainable for me.

4/5 2:40 am: Reflections from Day 25 (4/4) This is my first day fasting since my little break. Today was hard. I think my body just has to adjust again to the fasting though I don’t think it’s going to be as bad as the first 5 days of Ramadan. Today was hard because I caught a little bit of a cold from Austin. I was a little sniffly, had a scratchy throat, and a headache for much of the day. I also couldn’t focus on work to save my life. I also threw up a little because my stomach was acting up since nothing was in it. Lets just say I couldn’t wait for dinner to come back to life. I had dinner and I felt alive again. I also had some cough syrup and as I’m writing this I’m feeling much better. I pulled an all nighter of sorts because I had a lot of work to catch up on (because basically, I was doing the bare minimum at my job today and I don’t want things to pile up on a Friday). This was mainly work for my job but I also had some personal matters to tend to such as finishing The Power of Now, and writing my journal posts. Tonight I was really just trying to work with my irregular energy levels instead of against them. I’m not looking forward to the work day though. I’m just gonna hope that the caffeine I had in the middle of the night and a nap during my lunch break will help me out. I was really productive tonight and honestly it felt worth it. I had enough fuel to focus and also working in the middle of the night almost helps me be more present (and as a result focus on whatever I’m doing) because time feels fake and like the void. I also felt nostalgic pulling an all-nighter. It brought me back to college and the times where I was really focused and determined to get things done. It has been nice getting into that flow state. I broke my promise to avoid caffeine during Ramadan. Granted my original thought process is doing this so that I don’t become reliant on it so the purpose of this goal has been achieved. I think it’s alright if I do drink caffeine so long as I’m not using at as a crutch to get through fasting. I also caught myself feeling a little guilty about my eating habits from the day before. I wouldn’t say that I ate a lot but I will say that I felt like I lacked the self control that I was building during Ramadan. It felt like the exercise of fasting was all for nothing. Then I reframed this situation by telling myself that it’s natural that my body is trying to compensate for the days where I was probably not eating enough. That isn’t me “lacking in self control”, that’s my body trying to make sure that I’m properly fueled and nourished. I shouldn’t shame myself for wanting to entertain my whims to eat a little snack here and there in the same way I wouldn’t shame or call someone who ran a marathon the day but spent the whole day today sleeping lazy. I think if I’m going to see the long term effects of fasting, the first few days won’t necessarily be the best representation in the same way that if you ran a marathon, chances are you’ll be too sore to do much the following days and the way you perform on your work outs wouldn’t be the best representation on the progress you made running and training for a marathon.

4/5 2:15 am: Reflections after Day 18(3/28) through Day 24 (4/4) From 3/28 to 3/31 I was travelling to Washington D.C. to see the cherry blossoms and to spend time with some friends. While travelling over 100km can exempt one from the fast, I decided to not fast on these days since I planned this trip a couple months in advance, well before my decision to fast. My friend and I also planned for me to come over during this time because she knew that she was going to be on her period on these days and that she will get a break from fasting, thus giving her the time and energy to spend time with me. I was a little sad on Thursday. I didn’t like breaking my fast and part of me thought that I could still fast for Thursday and Sunday if I really wanted to. But just because I could, that doesn’t mean that I should. Later in this trip I realized that fasting would have been unsustainable for me and why travelling is one of the exceptions for breaking the fast. I was walking a lot in D.C. and I was really active during my stay there. Fasting would not have been physically sustainable for me in the slightest. Upon this realization, I believe that the reason why travelling is an exception to fasting is because of the way that travelling can take you out of your routine and how that can impact how sustainable and healthy the fast is. Ideally, you would want to sustain the fast or avoid travelling in Ramadan altogether to focus on your spirituality, but if you must travel for whatever reason, it’s understandable to take a break during that time. I think that the 100km requirement for travel in order to make breaking the fast valid is a bit of an arbitrary number. I think the point is that it needs to be far enough away to disrupt your routine (or perhaps even cause complications with time zones). Like you can’t just go to your friend’s house across the street and say that you’re breaking your fast because of “travelling” for example. From 4/1 to 4/3 I was on my period. I was a little annoyed at the fact that I couldn’t fast because I already missed 4 days in a row due to the trip and now I am going to miss another 3 days. I’m not looking forward to prolonging the fasting by having to make up a ton of days in the end. I’d rather just get it done right once and for all. But I mean, I just reminded myself that I’m skipping days for valid reasons. I would have had to skip 3 days for my period regardless and I didn’t know I was going to be fasting when I was planning this trip. I also only broke my fast once this entire time with no valid reason. So, if we’re only counting that one day that I just couldn’t make it, I think it’s safe to say that I’m doing pretty well for my first time fasting and that I’m making an honest effort in this practice. And the fact that I’m willing to make up these days, even if I don’t really want to, also goes to show my dedication for this practice.

3/27 7pm: Reflections after Day 17 (3/27) I woke up pissed at 5 am because of my water drinking ritual. I kept thinking to myself how I can't wait to take a break from fasting just so I don't have to wake up at 5. Then I woke up pissed at 7. Normally I wake up later on Wednesdays because my work day starts at 9 but I woke up earlier to finish packing and clean my apartment because I know that coming back to a messy apartment after being away would annoy me and I wanted to do something nice for my future self. This day was just busy and I think because fasting has been easier and because I was distracted by all the stuff I needed to do, I wasn't paying attention to the hunger. I was mainly preoccupied with packing for my weekend trip and for getting ready for my flight the next day. I was also excited to not have to wake up at 5 tomorrow.

3/26 10pm: Reflections After Day 16 (3/26) Today like yesterday wasn’t too bad. The only challenge I did have today was that I had somewhat of an upset stomach. I had a really bad stomach ache in the morning. And then for the rest of the day, my stomach didn’t hurt but it just felt a little weird and bloated. Normally in this situation, eating like a slice of bread helps because I think my stomach does weird things when I’m not eating enough and it’s been empty for too long. I think I did make a good decision in eating a little something in the morning for breakfast though. I felt very at peace and present today. I think I’ve come a long way in terms of embracing me being low energy and more reserved rather than bubbly.

3/26 10 pm: Reflections After Day 15 (3/25) I’m excited that I got halfway through Ramadan!!!!! Today was pretty easy. The only issue that I encountered was that type of dry mouth where your breath feels like it stinks. But after a while, it wore off. I am noticing some body image issues come back up. I feel like I lost some weight and I found myself body checking a few times today. I want to be mindful of this going forward because I don’t want fasting to be tainted with my vanity and insecurities that corrupts the spiritual benefits I gain from this experience. I journalled a lot and studied a lot today and the last couple days so I find myself feeling a little creatively depleted because I have produced a lot.

3/24: Reflections after Day 13 (3/23) and Day 14 (3/24) Day 13 (3/23): Much of this day was me binge watching Leo’s videos on society, government and politics. I think the reminder was necessary since I have been taking a break from spirituality. And while I did develop myself considerably before going on my break and I have been able to hold on to the development without getting completely sucked into society’s shenanigans, I think these videos helped me come back to center, back to the big picture, apart from the typical stage Orange and Green I find myself in. That said, I did feel exhausted after taking in all of that content since the videos are pretty long and dense. This day was also a big journalling and contemplating day for me. When I woke up, I really wanted to go to a coffee shop as I normally do when I’m in a mood like this. But since I’m fasting, I couldn’t go. I miss just chilling in a coffee shop on a Saturday morning/afternoon. I also feel like I’m craving taking myself out on a date. I want to take myself out to a restaurant and be in my own presence outside of my apartment for lunch or dinner. But my fasting time really restricts my ability to do that. I know this fasting is temporary so I don’t feel too bad about it but I do think I’m going to celebrate and appreciate the little coffee dates and dinner dates I have with myself. Later in the night, I caught myself feeling pretty sad. I think a large part of it has to do with my sleep schedule getting fucked up. I woke up at 12:30 in the afternoon. I felt a little guilty initially since half of my day went by but I forgave myself since I’m pretty sure my body needed that rest since I’m not feeding it as much. But unfortunately, I ended up staying up til 2am not being able to sleep and my mind went to weird, depressing places. Here are some things that came to mind: My sleep schedule is fucked I feel lonely platonically and I feel like people won’t notice if I dropped off the earth for like 4 months. I haven’t been keeping up with my friends in the last 3 ish months and I feel bad about that. I’m realizing how intellectually lonely I am I’m realizing how mu current boyfriend is not my husband and even though I thought that for a while, it’s still hard to come to terms with Fasting is hard and I don’t want to do it anymore but I have 2 weeks left I neglected my volunteering job My eating disorder is being triggered and I’m body checking My period will be here in a week or so, which is why I’m feeling sad in general I wish I could just take myself out on a coffee shop date. I feel like that wouldrefresh me. I don’t like being stuck in my house this much. I kept telling myself that my thoughts aren’t reality and that my brain is trying to convince me that everyone hates me because it needs to go to sleep. I remember dealing with these negative thought spirals late at night especially when I was a teenager and I recall that often that just going to sleep and waking up the next day solved most things. And lo and behold, I felt much better the next day. Day 14 (3/24): I let myself sleep in but I made sure that I woke up at 10 am to avoid falling into the trap of fucking up my sleep schedule and going into a negative thought spiral. I also caught myself thinking how for the next two weeks, the challenge isn’t going to be the lack of food and water, it’s going to be the way that my mental health has been affected by the fasting. Lately I’ve had moments where I’ve been feeling hangry or sad along with being generally low energy. I continued on my Actualized.org content binge. I finished the videos I wanted to watch and I came up with a spiritual curriculum for the rest of Ramadan. Day 1-6: Journal and meditate regularly + find a routine that works for you. Day 7-14: watch actualized.org videos and review my notes / journal entries Day 15-18: focus on researching / re-evaluating my life purpose Day 18-20: re-read The Power of Now Day 20-30: focus on educating myself on the history and practice of Islam (I’ve been doing this the entire month of Ramadan but I want to focus on it more now since I have done the other stuff) Make up days: TBD I also felt much better after going to sleep. I also got to talk to my boyfriend about some of the stuff above and I felt much better.

3/23 1pm : Day 12 Reflection from 3/22 Today felt significantly easier than the day before and even the days prior to that. It felt easier to fall asleep the night before because dinner wasn’t the only meal I had. I also managed to eat two slices of bread with butter and an egg for breakfast while I was drinking my water and I’m sure that helped as well. I got to talk to my friend in the evening. We caught up just in general but I also told her that I was fasting as well. I’m glad that I told her since she was so supportive and we got to talk about Islam for a little bit afterwards. She told me that she’ll get me a book that talks about the historical significance of Islam and how it evolved so I’m pretty excited for that. I started getting a little sad today when it came to the topic of friends. I feel like this year so far I haven’t been focusing on my platonic relationships as much. I had to deal with some health issues in January. In February I was pretty stressed with work. March has mainly been Ramadan so it’s like I can’t do much during the day and I’m tired all the time. I feel like the problem and I’m afraid that people are going to drift away from me. I wish maintaining friendships were built into adult life in the way that it is built into your life when you’re in school rather than it being something that you have to go out of your way and plan out in the side instead of living life along side one another. I also had a sense of intellectual loneliness wash over me since revisiting the spiral dynamics series. I know stage yellow is relatively rare and I think it was good for me to step back from the model so that I can relate to others and not have their spiral level be a limiting belief for me. I would put most of my friends as well integrated orange and green. Some of them have some blue as well that they are working through or are working on integrating in a healthy manner but the blue that is present is not to a dysfunctional degree. I think this combination can look and feel like yellow because yellow is when you see the value of all stages and are able to integrate with them. I also think hanging out with people like this has also been helpful for my growth because I think it’s good to know how to deal with people across the spiral to be a spiral wizard. At the same time, being a well-integrated person from tier 1 is different from being in tier 2. And the way that this manifests in my relationships is that while I find myself being comfortable with and finding emotional community in the friends in my life, I don’t think we’re very intellectually compatible. As a result, I think I have a tendency to be chronically online in an effort to get that need met. I was thinking about the topic of phone addiction a few weeks back and basically I have come to the conclusion that I’m not addicted to my phone and social media rather it just fills the void that otherwise would have been filled with socializing and being in community. Because I can go days without really checking my phone and not have an urge to at times when I’m booked, busy, and hanging out with people. And after those days, I find myself thinking *wow, today was a good day, I’m glad I didn’t dissociate in front of a glowing rectangle. I love touching grass lol* But that is not the case when I’m just by myself. Then I started thinking about the types of content that I typically consume and that’s when it hit me that I use social media as a way to get a sense of intellectual fulfillment that I don’t really get as much from my social circle. I also started thinking about what all of this means about my current romantic relationship. I love my boyfriend and we have a really healthy relationship but one of the main things that gets to me is the fact that we aren’t intellectually compatible. He’s very smart in a hands on, technical way and I’m more smart in a traditional academic sense. Which is fine, hell that’s one of the reasons I fell for him in the first place because I loved a man who was smart but is very different from me. But as time has gone on, I feel intellectually unfulfilled in this relationship and while I am happy, I don’t necessarily feel fulfilled over all. I’ve been trying to figure out how important intellectual fulfillment is for me in a life long partnership. I brought this to the attention of my boyfriend and we have ways to combat this but it feels like we are coping with the situation rather than fixing the incompatibility, because you can’t really fix an incompatibility without forcing change in another person. And after considering this and the spiral dynamics series, I think it’s important that I have a lifelong partner who is not just a well-integrated orange and green, but a partner that is yellow to push me to grow and to be intellectually compatible with me. I don’t know how to feel about this realization just yet. I can’t help but think about how while I don’t feel intellectually fulfilled in this relationship, I do feel very emotionally fulfilled, cared for, and safe. This is a happy relationship and it makes me sad to think about the end. I know that if we breakup it would be because we have diverging paths on how our life is going and I don’t want either of us to sacrifice our long term happiness and fulfillment for the sake of preserving the relationship. I know that if we breakup, it would be on good terms. But the thought of that still hurts. I’m really grateful for working from home during this fast. I feel like it’s been huge that I can take naps during my lunch break and that I can lay down under a blanket and do my daily tasks and take breaks as necessary instead of doing the performance of professionalism at work.

3/21: Day 11 Reflection 11:31 am Today has been shitty so far. I got scammed on my credit card. I had to deal with new things at work that aren't working too well. And I was feeling nauseated from earlier in the morning and I really want to eat something so I feel physically better. I feel like my mood for the last couple of nights were me being very unfocussed and kind of sad before I went to sleep. I just feel really all over the place and I want to eat something comforting. I can’t wait for the clarity I will get after Ramadan when I have the mental space for something other than worrying about food constantly. I know I said that the last few days were easy, but today I feel really neurotic. I keep sniffing this loaf of bread I have and I feel crazy. 3pm: I broke my fast. I was feeling very erratic since the last time I wrote (but if we’re being real since like 10 am). I was all over the place an hangry. And I couldn’t for the life of me calm down, sit still, and get myself to focus on one thing. I know I was writing about how earlier I was just having a shitty day, but even when those feels subsided, I still felt crazy. I didn’t break my fast because today was getting emotionally difficult for me and because I couldn’t regulate my emotions. Rather, even in my regulated state, I felt very erratic and dysfunctional. I had to remind myself why I was fasting. I have been fasting as an exercise in gentle discipline. I have also been learning how to be more gentle and patient with myself as I have been prioritizing my life and as I have been taking a slower, more mindful pace. I am doing this to reconnect with my own sense of spirituality by diving into this particular spiritual practice to kick things off. I’m doing this to gain more empathy for the Muslim people in my life and what they go through when fasting. I’m fasting out of a general sense of curiosity that dates back to when I was a child and I watched my friends’ parents fast, and then later I saw them fast. I decided to break this fast because for me, I feel like continuing to fast would be denying myself the gentle discipline necessary to build self discipline for myself and for this practice. It felt painful rather than just uncomfortable and it didn’t feel sustainable to fast until 7:42pm. I also don’t think it’s healthy to take a perfectionistic approach to this and I don’t think that it would benefit me spiritually. This is my first time fasting and I’m bound to slip up here and there. It’s not an invitation for me to shame myself even though I’m bummed out for not being able to make it til sundown and that I slipped up right after celebrating being able to fast for 10 days straight. I’m reminding myself that hey, the people my age who are fasting, odds are they have been fasting every year for about 10 years now (assuming that they started at 14). They have practice in this, I don’t. And it’s understandable that I’m not going to be perfect. It’s clear that I’m trying (I’m planning on making this day up in the end). It’s clear that I can push past the discomfort and get to the end given how the previous days went. But when I was thinking about breaking my fast, it was also getting clear that continuing to push myself when I simply can’t, it’s not bringing me closer to the spiritual intentions I have set for myself in the beginning of fasting. Fasting is a tool, it’s not something that I’m holding on to as a dogma. If anything, I think choosing to break my fast was an empathetic and gentle thing to do in this circumstance. I think admitting my limits has been an act of humility towards this practice and in the face of people who partake in it. I admit, I have some learning to do and I’m getting better over time, and fasting is no different.

Thank you, I appreciate. I also appreciate the time you took to have a more detailed answer in my journal where I go into more depth of why I feel hesitant with Turquoise. I agree, I always felt like Turquoise felt more vague compared to the other spiral stages since there isn't as many examples of Turquoise and because most of the examples that are there if I remember correctly had to do with nonduality, meditation, spirituality etc. while the other stages had examples in spirituality, economics, media, pop culture, etc. And that's understandable because the world has yet to evolve that much. I guess that's another thing that I'm coming up against where I feel like *let's not fix something that isn't broken* in reaction to growing from yellow and green because humans grow with their environment and influence their environment to grow and vice versa so it feels like I'm trying to adapt to something that doesn't really exist yet on a wider scale. I was using the spiral much more so to track my growth over the last few years and I also find myself hitting against a wall to where even though I resonate with green and yellow, I have worked through my own kinks and limitting beliefs to where I don't really resonate with the excesses and unhealthy manifestations associated with the stages, hence why to peg myself more accurately, I have been focussing on lines of development instead and taking that information loosely. As for the hardcore spiritual work, I guess for me it would be good to figure out what degree of spirituality works for me and that I find fulfillment in which can change as I move into different stages of my life. And if that's not what I'm authentically into, that's perfectly fine but I am seeing myself getting back into my own sense of spirituality and spiritual practices lately. As I'm writing this, I'm thinking of Leo's video on The Ultimate Guide To Happiness - How Happiness Works and how he goes into different things you should think about regarding your preferences on having a happy life. If I remember correctly, there was a part of the video where he mentioned that for most people, meditating in a cave for days and not using your mind isn't the path to happiness and that while this works for hardcore monks, for him specifically he needs more intellectual engagement and creativity than just meditating because or else it feels like he's just sitting there like a vegetable. I agree. I don't think that I'm trying to "win by developing as much as possible." I can see the value in all of the stages and if I stagnate at yellow, that's perfectly fine by me. Moving up the spiral isn't inherently good. Hell, I think you can even stagnate in the lower stages and so long as it's healthy manifestation of that stage, it's all good. But while I don't think there is anything wrong with staying at a stage and enjoying where you're at, I just wanted to check in and make sure that it's not coming from a place of complacency or demonization of a higher stage because of biases I might have of it.

Has anyone faced not wanting to move to Turquoise? I have been working on various forms of integration for a while as well as learning how to relate to and deal with people across the spiral. I also get a lot of joy out of self education. Personally, I feel like I'm in a good spot where I am content and I feel at peace with my life so as a result, I'm not feeling this push towards transcendence. I also feel like the parts of me that is yellow / green are manifesting in healthy ways to where I'm not really dealing with a lot of the excesses and limitations of the stage since I have worked through them already. Basically a part of me doesn't want to fix what isn't broken. Don't get me wrong, I'm still looking to pace myself in my self development and I see the value to moving into Turquoise. I'm just pacing myself lol. But yeah, has any of y'all felt kind of a resistance towards Turquoise?

3/20 9:15 pm: Reflections from Day 9 and 10 Day 9 3/19: I woke today not wanting to work and / or fast. I encountered a lot of resistance in the morning but I was able to push through. I remember thinking at the time and hoping that this wasn’t going to be the place where I screwed up, that I won’t break my fast so soon. I feel like this day took a lot of self control in the beginning. Later that day I had to go home so that I could spend the evening with my dad and have dinner with him since it was his birthday. I made sure to pack a little snack in case dinner came out late. But thankfully the timing was good. I feel like going to therapy from 4:30 to 5:30, then driving home and getting there at 6:30, and then talking to my dad before I broke my fast was really helpful in keeping my mind off the hunger. I also opened up to my parents about the fact that I was fasting. I asked my dad if he was ever curious about this since he grew up in a predominantly Muslim country to which he responded with yes. I asked my mom the same thing and she said yes as well. I asked this question as a test of sorts to see how they felt about the practice of fasting given that they can be Islamophobic. Since they both answered yes, I opened up about my experiences with fasting thus far and that it really isn’t as bad as how I built it up in my head. Like sure it was an adjustment in the first week but I feel like since then I found a routine and method that is working for me. My mom also had some questions regarding how I was getting through my days. Since she is an early riser, she caught me drinking 2L of water at 5 am in Day 10 (3/20) in the morning. I just explained to her my strategy of sorts and routine before going to work. I drank my water, ate a banana, and then fell asleep. I woke up at 8:20 and then drove to work. Day 10 3/20: Today wasn’t too bad. I was a little drowsy as I was driving but once I got to work, I was able to be relatively focused given that I was fasting. I was ­pretty productive today but I was still taking things at a slower pace which has been nice. I got a little sad that I couldn’t eat lunch at the office. I was thinking last night on how I’m craving a vegan burger and they had vegan burgers at the office today. I took one with me to eat later on so I wouldn’t be sad but I did reassure myself by saying that I could have it later. I’ve also been rewatching Leo Gura’s spiral dynamics videos as part of my spiritual practice. I haven’t thought of this model much since I took a break from my spiritual practices and while this wasn’t new information to me, it was nice to have a reminder in order to further embody it. I think taking a step back was good for me because I think I was being limited by the labels that I was putting on others which prevented me from understanding and connecting to people. But now, I think having the reminder is good because lately, I have been catching myself getting a bit annoyed with the lower stages and it was nice being aware of the whole spiral again to recontextualize that experience if that makes sense. I started rewatching them on Saturday and I finished the series today. I also caught myself contrasting how I was functioning today vs this time last week. I remember last week struggling to get through my day and feeling mentally a bit incoherent. Today I was pretty functioning. A little brain fog and fatigue but overall I felt alright. I’m also proud of myself for getting through 1/3 of Ramadan!!!!!

3/18 6:05 pm: Reflections After Day 7 (3/17) and Day 8 (3/18) Day 7: 3/17- I woke up yesterday pretty late because I fell asleep at 6am. I started panicking about the work I had left to do before seeing my boyfriend. We originally planned to meet around 4/5 pm but I told him to come at 6. Later we went back to the original plan and decided to meet at 5 because thankfully I was able to get my work done for my job as well as various household chores. I guess I was freaking out initially because I woke up late, because I’m fasting and just generally low energy, and because there were some tasks that I was putting off and really didn’t want to do so I was blowing the time it would take for me to actually do them out of proportion. I would say I had a pretty productive day. I was also nervous about how this would impact my sleep schedule. But thankfully I was able to fall asleep in a somewhat reasonable time. I fell asleep at 1. Which is fine since I start work at 9am on Mondays but also it’s Ramadan and I was supposed to wake up at 5, drink water and eat something, and then go back to bed. I wasn’t sure how this was going to affect me. The fasting is getting easier. I would say now instead of the last 4 hours being hell, it’s more like just the last 2 hours. I still generally feel low energy but I feel more functional going into the week. Day 8: 3/18- I’m proud of myself for being able to get through a week of fasting. I’m still nervous about the rest of the month and my ability to stay consistent but hey I’m taking it a day at a time. A week is an accomplishment, but I will say that the remaining 23 days is still intimidating. I woke up at 5 this morning, drank water, had a slice of toast with peanut butter and raspberries, and then fell asleep and woke up at 8:45. I felt a little drowsy at work, but it wasn’t so bad. I lacked my ability to focus, and I think I have some brain fog but it’s considerably better compared to last week. The hunger really hasn’t been that bad even though I didn’t have a big meal in the morning, and I had work today. And honestly, I think having a filling snack is preferable to a whole meal for me personally because I don’t feel as bloated and groggy in the morning. I took a nap during my lunch hour. I woke up not wanting to do much but I was able to get what I needed to do done for the most part. There are still some things left that I need to do but honestly, I’m going to tackle it after dinner so that I can actually focus. But I will say, the nap felt nice and I think it helps. I think going into it I thought the biggest challenge was going to be the lack of water. In week one I realized that really wasn’t the case for me at least. I also thought not eating was going to be worse than it was. Honestly, the thing that was taking me out was the lack of sleep. I think it’s important that I prioritize that even more so than having a large meal in the morning given what I’m observing with my ability to function for these last couple of days.

Not Wanting to Move to Stage Turquoise I have been thinking lately about how there is a part of me that doesn't want to move to stage Turquoise. I think much of it has to do with how currently, my stage Yellow and stage Green tendencies are manifesting in a healthy way and I have addressed much of the excesses an limitations these stages have by integrating the other stages. As I was journalling about my lines of development and ways I could improve, I often caught myself thinking *why fix something that isn't broken?* I also feel like society is stunting me a little bit in the sense that since most of society is in Blue, Orange, and Green, whie there is a need for Yellow due to the infighting of the 3 stages, the need for Turquoise hasn't revealed itself just yet since we still need to go through Yellow first. I think I've had some negative experiences with Turquoise on this forum. Some of it includes the stage Turquoise hedonism of constantly seeking deeper and deeper awakenings, a forum member committing suicide to join with infinity about 3 years ago, and how in my spiritual journey I got attached to detachment which didn't end well because I jumped ahead to transcendence before integration. Also, just generally speaking, I have a happy and fulfilling life that I don't feel the need to transcend in order to escape from it. I'm also nervous at the thought of transcending my own sense of humanity. I've seen people on this forum get rather misanthropic and cynical about humanity and human nature after having awakening experiences. I don't want to build up a spiritual ego unintentionally which is why I think it's so important to be solidly Yellow and be able to understand, empathize, and relate to the other stages. There is a prayer that my friend says to herself that she shared with me which is something along the lines of "Lord give me enough power and authority so that I can help the people around me, but not so much to where I will be corrupted by the weight of that power and authority." In a sense it's asking for protection from the self deception and selfishness that can cause corruption in the event when one gets power and authority. I feel the same way to a certain extent when it comes to moving to stage Turquoise. Moving up the spiral isn't inherently good especially if it's done prematurely due to things such as having a shaky foundation and brutal ego backlashes. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm nervous about the ways that stage Turquoise can manifest in corrupt ways which is why I don't want to force anything. I have journaled a lot as to my step back from spirituality in order to focus on more foundational topics before. Here are some posts that i wrote like 3 years ago detailing some of the negative experiences and messaging in queston: I understand if this is not a step that I'm ready to make yet and how I just want to enjoy my life with the way that it currently is. But also, I do see the benefit of challenging and pushing myself. Despite my negative experiences with Turquoise, I can recognize that it too can manifest in healthy ways and that it can be practical and not take away from your sense of humanity, rather it can further enhance it. I guess if I had to draw an analogy, it would be how stage Orange masculinity thinks that moving into Green will compromise their masculinity instead of realizing how learning to be open and mature with your emotions and self expression enhances masculinity instead. I have had the experience of Turquoise expanding on my sense of humanity before on the cognitive and moral lines. And also, looking back at some of the other posts that I linked above, I think a lot of the negative Turquoise things I was reacting to was coming from people in Turquoise who haven't fully integrated the other stages and as a result have some sort of reaction to them. Take for example how some people feel frustrated that other people aren't as conscious as them. Sure, I can understand the lonliness and the annoyance that can come from people dealing with petty human affairs, but at the same time I feel like if you come from a more integrated place, you're less likely to react to those feelings of lonliness and annoyance with the attitude of *everything in society is chimpery and ego and 90% people are awful.* Because while you're not in those lower stages anymore, since you have gone through them completely, you can still empathize with other people and their petty affairs and still see depth and meaning in that. I think while it's good that I can understand the dangers of spirituality and pre-mature transcendence, I think I need to be careful about that turning into a limitting belief. Yes, it was a good idea for me to take a step back in the past because spirituality was getting rather unhealthy for me, but also, I'm not in the same place as I was back in May 2021. I am coming from a much more secure, stable, and more integrated place mentally, emotionally, and in terms of my life situation. Yes the concerns are valid, but my conditions and capabilities have changed as well to better accommodate higher teachings. And it's important to acknowledge my growth and challenge myself rather than thinking that I'm less developed than I really am and thus holding myself back.

Fruits tangerines bananas tomatos raspberries blueberries Vegetables cucumbers lettuce all onions (red, yellow, white, green) garlic cabbage Other honorable mentions: spinach avocados carrots black beans green beans strawberries celery cilantro parsley chickpeas lemons

Lines of Development: Where to Grow from Here Previously when I would do my spiral checks, I was mainly focussing on the excesses and limitations of the stages as an indication of things to address and where I can grow. I think thiings are a little different now that the stages manifest in mostly healthy ways for me. But nevertheless, writing about my lines of development and then ordering the lines from degree of development gave me some insight as to where go from here. Cognitive Development: Yellow/ Turquoise, Moral Development: Yellow / Turquoise, Metaphysical and Spiritual Line: Yellow and Early Turquoise I feel like for the stuff that I talked about where I'm in the Yellow/ Turquoise territory I think that the main way I can move up the spiral at this point is to have some mystical experiences and experiment with psychedelics. I think I can focus on meditation more but in the end of the day, Turquoise is something to experience rather than something you can mental gymnastics your way into if that makes sense. Education: Yellow, Political: Yellow, Psycho-sexual: Yellow For education, I can definitely educate myself more on stage Turquoise as a part of my spiritual practices. Politically, I don't think it's wise to jump to Turquoise yet since we have barely manifested Yellow. And even if I try to imagine Turquoise political positions, they are barely going to be half baked in the first place, so I'm going to be tabling that. Finally, when it comes to the psycho-sexual line, I don't even know what Turquoise sexuality looks like so it's harder for me to step into it. But I'm not going to try to step into it. I'll figure it out when I figure it out lol. Interpersonal Relationships: Mostly Yellow and High Green The part of me that is high Green rather than Yellow really comes down to me being able to engage with people with differing political opinions to me. That is something that I'm looking to explore more in a different post but basically, this is an area that I believe I can improve on. Values: Yellow and Green The reason why I said a good part of me is in Green is because of the way I value relationships. That is not something that I'm looking to transcend or basically fix something that isn't broken. Rather, I will be encouraging myself to step into Turquoise values more even though there is a part of me that is resistant to it (which I should explore more in a different post). Health / Diet: Yellow and Green Not trying to fix something that isn't broken. I think I'm good at this line of development. If I find something regarding Turquoise diet, I'm happy to explore it but it's not something that I'm pushing myself to pursue. Emotional Development: Yellow but Green and rarely Orange when stressed I think I'm in a good place overall but I think every now and then, reminders of the spiral can help when I'm slipping back into Green in order to reorient me to the bigger picture. I'm also working on being more gentle with myself and addressing my body image issues. Career and Livelihood: Mostly Green with Orange I'm still figuring out the whole life purpose thing and finding meaningful work. Basically, here is my to-do list: Do psychedelics Educate myself on stage Turquoise along with its values, and meditate more seriously Learn to engage with differing political opinions Remind myself of the spiral in times I slip back into green Address body image issues Be more gentle with myself emotionally when my self talk gets abrasive Figure out and work towards my life purpose

Lines of Development In the past I have done posts in my journal about where I find myself in the spiral regarding the limitations of the stages. I don't think that's the best way to track my development anymore since I do think that the stages manifest in a mostly healthy way for me. I rewatched the whole Spiral Dynamics series and took note of what I didn't and didn't resonate with. And I found, for example, that while there are things that I resonate with Green, I don't necessarily resonate with the limits of green anymore since I have worked through a lot of things emotionally and developmentally. As a result, I think rather than focussing on the limits and excesses of the stages, it's better that I focus on different lines of development. Leo talks about this at around the 1:05:00 mark in the video above. Cognitive Development: Yellow/ Turquoise I feel like cognitively I'm in the yellow and turquoise area. I can think holistically and most turquoise concepts intellectually make sense to me to where I can apply them to other situations in life. However, while I logically understand things, I have yet to integrate them fully emotionally or in other areas of my life. Moral Development: Yellow / Turquoise I think I'm pretty good at taking an integrative approach to morality in the sense that I feel comfortable with reconciling shadows to create more unity and oneness in my moral understanding. Deep down inside I don't see a lot of things as inherently good/ evil even when it comes to things that are absolutely awful because I can recognize that this is happening because consciousness is indescriminant in it's desire to experience, even if I from my limitted ego thinks it's brutal and horrific. I think a good example of what I'm talking about is this post that I have made about my spiritual thoughts around the genocide in Palestine: But nevertheless, I do think that from my relative life, apart from the perspective of God, that rather than blaming people who their stage of development or worse, demonizing them, it's important that we build systems that care for people at any stage by meeting them where they are at. Metaphysical and Spiritual Line: Yellow and Early Turquoise I think the post that I linked above is a good representation as to why I say Early Turquoise. But I still think I'm mostly at Yellow because I see the importance of spirituality and I can apply it, but I'm not at the place of embodiment because I still care about the material world and my models and theories. I know that happiness isn't found in the mind but I'm not at the point where I want to transcend the mind just yet. If I'm going to be perfectly honest with myself, while I don't see Yellow as the highest stage or a place where I want to stagnate, there is a part of me that is resistant to move into Turquoise. Education: Yellow I value my education and I am invested in my own self education. I feel like since I have a college degree in a field of study that is very holistic and multidisciplinary, I have a good foundation for various concepts that while I am not specialized in them, I'm good at being able to differentiate high and low quality sources. I think my multidisciplinary approach to my college education has made me a well rounded critical thinker and I think that my dedication to self development and my studies in more spiritual topics gives me better tools to apply that critical thinking towards a more higher consciousness kind of way. Political: Yellow I am putting myself at Yellow despite the fact that most of the things I am most passionate about being Green because I feel comfortable with critiques from above and because one of the reasons why I advocate for Green causes is because I can see the relevance of those causes right now and I see it as the place where we are headed next. Sure, the yellow stuff gets me excited (the main ones I can think of is balancing capitalism and socialism and the creation of walkable cities) but I do see the importance of going through Green first and seeing how that manifests before getting too ahead of ourselves and drowning in theory and analysis. I feel like there are some leftists who do get too ahead of themselves and get so caught up in theory that they get nitpicky about small nuances and they don't try to apply basic policies first to see how they will play out. In my opinion instead of freaking out over democratic market socialism and pure socialism and calling the other party a fascist even though y'all agree on 90% of things, lets focus on advocating for universal healthcare and free college for all. And then once we implement them, in a few years we'll see the short comings of that and we can go back to the drawing board to see what other changes or tweeks we need to make. Psycho-sexual: Yellow I have explained what sexuality looks like throughout the spiral a few years ago and this is basically how I determined where I am: Interpersonal Relationships: Mostly Yellow and High Green I think I'm pretty good about being able to relate to people across the spiral and in my closest relationships, I don't have too many disagreements. I take a very proactive approach to my relationships where if I see something coming up, I make an effort to communicate about it before it becomes an issue. As a result I would put myself up in Yellow. I also say high green because when it comes to people I don't know too well, if they are coming at me with things that we don't agree with politically, I tend to shut down a bit because I'm not the best at knowing how to respond. But at the same time, I don't find myself judging them rather I try to hear them out and empathize (High Green is empathetic and can hear things out but unlike Yellow it doesn't always know the best way to engage IMO). It's just that pushing back is more of a challenge if you don't know someone well because you don't want to say the wrong thing that would cause them to dig their heels in even more. But basically, while I am a bit triggered into a freeze response, I don't think I have the stereotypical Green reaction of bursting into a SJW rant. Values: Yellow and Green I feel like my main values that I have are my self development, understanding and learning about the world, engaging in my hobbies and interests, and maintaining my relationships. I feel like I have a good bit of Yellow in me but I would say that I also skew green due to my emphasis on relationships. Health / Diet: Yellow and Green I'm not sure where to put myself on the spiral in terms of my relationship with food. I take more of an intuitive eating approach to food. I don't follow any strict diets and I'm aware of my body's cues and what my cravings are telling me. I don't morallize food, shame myself for eating, or put certain foods on a pedestal but I do generally speaking eat healthy and have a good relationship to food. I would characterize and Orange approach to food as either strict diets to achieve some type of physique or indulging in expensive and rich foods, or counting calories and macros constantly. Blue would be more along the lines of relgious food restriction (i.e. not being able to eat pork or consume alcohol if you're Muslim) or the notion that consuming the least is symbollic of some sort of piety and lack of self indulgence. Green I feel like is where things get more complicated where the common thing people think of is veganism/vegetarianism but I feel like you can have a more body positive approach to food here as well where you aren't morallizing food and allowing yourself to enjoy it freely. Yellow I feel like is like Green but with more structure which I feel like describes my eating more. Emotional Development: Yellow but Green and rarely Orange when stressed I think normally I'm a pretty self regulated person who has a lot of ways to reflect and process my day to day life with little judgement. I will say that sometimes when I do encounter negative emotions such as feelings of dread, anger, etc. it's usually me dealing with social injustices so that's where dipping into Green when I'm stressed comes from. The Orange can come up occassionally mainly when it comes to my body image issues and the times when I have trouble being gentle with myself but that's about it. I would say I'm 80% Yellow, 15% Green and 5% Orange if I would try to illustrate it. Career and Livelihood: Mostly Green with Orange I feel like my approach to my current career is Green in the sense that I prioritize work life balance and I use this job to facilitate other things in my life. I feel like I have a rather anticapitalistic attitude towards work and my sense of ambition flourishes outside of work more so. However, I still think there is a good bit of orange in the work itself that I do due to the industry that I'm in and my day to day tasks. I will say that while my job itself is not super fulfilling, it does give me a lot of fulfillment in terms of what it gives me in terms of peace of mind. Kinesthetic: I still have no clue how to apply SD to moving my body tbh.

3/17 4:50 pm: Reflections after Day 6 (3/16) This day was the day I wanted to try something out since it was the weekend and I have more flexibility. Even though I have a routine of sorts that I detailed out in the last section, I wanted to try to see if I could fast where I drank a ton of water early in the morning and not eat (instead of doing a big breakfast like I was doing) and then see how I fared for the rest of the day. And honestly, it wasn’t that bad. If anything I feel like it was easier for me to drink a ton of water and go back to sleep because I wasn’t feeling bloated and uncomfortable. I more or less felt the same in this situation as in the previous days as dinner time approached. Granted I did sleep in and I wasn’t working but I’m glad I tried this out during a time when I had more leeway rather than when I have a ton of work responsibilities going on. The fasting has definitely been getting easier and I think my body is adjusting. The last 2.5 hours are still difficult though largely due to the anticipation. The thing that sucked about this day is that I think I got a cold/ my allergies have been acting up. I had a scratchy throat and sniffly/stuffed up nose all day. It was uncomfortable but I didn’t think it was so bad to where I couldn’t fast throughout the day. Sure I wanted to drink some water and eat a cough drop because I was a little uncomfortable but it wasn’t anything unbearable. The thing that I fucked up on was that later that night I wanted to drink something warm so I made myself green tea. I forgot tea had caffeine. My sleep schedule is already out of whack because I’m basically tired all day and then when I eat dinner I get a burst of energy, but the caffeine made it so much worse. I stayed up all night and fell asleep at like 6 am in the morning. I woke up on 3/17 at 11:45 am.

3/16 1 pm: Reflections from Day 5 (3/15) I feel like I don’t have the mental energy to engage in unhealthy thinking patterns. I wonder how me fasting for 30 days and building up this habit of not engaging in certain thinking patterns and habits will rewire my brain. I think I’m getting to a routine for fasting that is working for me to ensure that this isn’t going to be harder than it needs to be. Wake up at 5, eat, drink water for the day. Eat even if you don’t feel hungry. I know some people skips waking up before dawn to do these things but personally, I’m not giving myself a choice because I know it’s already hard for me to function being without food for most of the day but it would be impossible unless I at least had something in my system, From 6:30 onwards, either journal or go to sleep and wake up when it’s time for work Take a nap during your lunch break or your 30 min breaks but generally avoid sleeping for too long as it can interfere with your already fucked up sleep schedule Spread out your tasks and take breaks as needed I felt a burst of energy after dinner and even got the zoomies. I think it’s because I had a half of a donut along with a few small pieces of chocolate. While I’m not a fan of being tired all day, you would think that I would be ecstatic when I got energy after dinner. Wrong. I find that challenging as well because it would be like 9, I have energy again, I feel alive and awake again, but I have to go back to sleep because I will hate my life if I fall asleep at 1 and have to wake up at 5. I was worried about this because I didn’t fall asleep until 1 or so last night. I woke up at 5, didn’t eat anything, drank some water, and then went to sleep. I woke up again at 6, drank some more water and then fell asleep again. I then woke up at 10 am for the day. Which is fine given that it is a Saturday. Overall, I would say things are getting easier. I feel like letting myself sleep in yesterday was very important.