soos_mite_ah

Not shy for me is when you aren't afraid to put yourself out there and make the first move. I'm going to be honest, I'm not exactly the most outwardly confident person even thought I do have a lot of self respect.

I have went ahead an crossed out the things I have addressed and worked through so far. Here are the things that are left over and my assessment of why that is so. Imposter syndrome especially in school/ career Discuss this in therapy during end of this semester since your issues regarding imposter syndrome are usually the strongest/ most relevant during that time School/ Learning Build my resume and start applying to jobs/ internships / gain work experience and credentials Getting straight A's in school with all 19 credit hours this semester Desired end result: Get rid of manifestation blockages that have to do with my career Create more self-confidence so that I can go after what I want Work towards being a more independent adult financially/ logistically (moving, living on my own, supporting myself, cutting off family etc.) Have a more integrated orange since I have a few hang ups in that stage and tend to rely on green coping mechanisms too heavily Habits I need to build/ solidify (outer world) Defeating procrastination (being on top of school work, staying at least 2 weeks ahead of course schedule) Waking up at 5 am Working out regularly (at least 3x a week if not every day)' All of these have to do with my deal with procrastination. My procrastination issues aren't just due to simple "lack of discipline" or "lack of time management." There is trauma involved that makes me want to anxiously avoid certain tasks and ways of doing things. I have made a short bullet pointed list of the things I need to address going forward in the previous post because in order to build discipline I need to address the blockages that is stopping me from being disciplined.

Reasons Why I Procrastinate So I'm basically going to have a bullet pointed list of why I procrastinate on school work that summarizes some of the key takeaways from my previous posts. This is basically a TLDR for myself because sometimes it's easier to integrate something if it is simply laid out there. The notion of smart=safe and anything that challenges that notion makes me feel unstable Feelings around late capitalism coming of age anxiety The trauma I have experienced regarding hard work when it comes to burn out Learned Helplessness Being pushed too hard as a kid (undisciplined discipline) Associating the pain I felt from the abuse with school Using meditation and spirituality as avoidance of the now The problem with all of this is that I intellectually understand the mechanisms of each item on this list but I'm still failing to emotionally grow and fully integrate those lessons.

I think this is a really good livestream to see how politics evolves through the spiral. Natalie and Vaush both talked about the moralizing of the left and how that limits the lefist movement and how there are parallels with stage blue evangelicals. I honestly think it's better to watch the livestream because they are articulating it much better than I can. The whole thing is gold but the portion between 1:20:00 to 1:45:00 is especially insightful. I also noted down some key takeaways that I thought was important. They also start talking about how the left unlike the evangelicals idealize revolution rather than actually believe in it and the left isnt willing to vote for their candidates because they want to maintain the aesthetic of being moral over voting for the lesser of two evils unlike the radical right who are willing to go along with their candidates because of their interests. This discrepancy is something that they didn't know how to address but I think it comes down to consciousness and spiral development when it comes to green vs blue extremism. Blue extremists are willing to blindly follow and idealize their leaders and see them as some type of god while green extremists have a desire to stick to their values no matter what even if it is at risk of their own interests systemically. I really with there was more discussion on consciousness when it comes to politics. It would explain sooooo many things. Also earlier in the live stream they discuss on how fascism is self destructive. I think from the spiral perspective it makes sense because facism takes red/blue to its pinnacle to where you HAVE to move forward because the stage collapses on itself. They also discuss how racism is the biggest issue / road block to progress as opposed to capitalism and that we have to deal with that first before moving on. In other words, fully deal with blue problems before orange problems. Finally in the live stream they talk about how democratic socialism (green governance) isn't the end of history and human evolution but it is necessary to get to that stage first before we start critiquing it and coming up with new models that essentially transcend it.

I mean I think it comes down to time and integration. I have a similar thing where intellectually something makes sense but it takes me a minute for it to emotionally make sense. Intellectually understanding a teaching is the surface. Embodying the teaching emotionally involves depth, and depth takes time. Patience is huge here. Judging yourself that you "should not feel" isn't going to help embodying a concept because it puts you in a position of resistance rather than acceptance. And speaking of resistance, accepting the resistance instead of judging it loves the resistance to death. Resistance isn't a bad thing, it can show where your blocks are so you can address them and move more into a state of flow. Basically be gentle and patient with yourself. What you're experiencing is perfectly normal.

I think I remember seeing a piece of advice where if you're trying to get to know a guy on a date, it's best to lead with warmth rather than your accomplishments. That's not to say you hide your accomplishments not at all. If a guy is turned off by that, that's a red flag and you need to go. But that's to say that people want to connect to other people and their personalities, not their resume. Leading with a resume can also potentially set up a competitive dynamic between two people rather than a dynamic to build a relationship.

I did have this problem growing up. I started embracing my feminine side more and being comfortable with that and I basically went from absolutely no approaches to a few here and there. And even if people don't approach and create a conversation I have noticed a little more staring and people being extra nice to me lmao. I agree that you don't have to look like a slut. For me personally, I've had it drilled into me since I was 13 that I have to cover up because I have a more "womanly appearance" and that caused me to tend to dress older in a way. I have gotten better over the years and actually learned how to dress instead of going straight to mens section which I had a tendency to do in my early teens. Especially when I was living with my parents in high school, if I wore anything that showed the slightest amount of cleavage or leg or a hit of a curve (which is difficult to do because of the way I'm built), my mom would get onto me so I basically spent those years essentially wearing a turtle neck. I have also gotten better with that after leaving my parent's house. I am more comfortable with my body and I don't sexualize it immediately but I will say that I still have a tendency to wear more conservative clothes mainly because those are in my comfort zone more due to familiarity. Like if I am presented with a V-neck shirt, I will think twice before going out like that because I feel like my boobs will just be out.

I can see myself in this situation as well actually. During my teens I didn't bother trying to date. I knew I came from a very chaotic family. I told myself that before dating that I was going to put myself in therapy and work on myself so that I don't enter in a bad relationship because of unresolved trauma or that I don't end up ruining someone's life because I didn't address my problems and projected toxicity onto them. I started my self help journey at 15 to work on my childhood issues and when I got to college I started therapy because I finally had the resources and I have moved out. Also during college I got more invested in my academics since I thought *hey i need to take care of that first and get my career together* over dating. I will be honest, I have never made dating much of a priority. I always had this attitude of *if it happens it happens if it doesn't that's fine too* For me I wouldn't say that I have an obsession on being the best but I have been in the mood to get my life all the way together before jumping into a relationship. Meaning I have been prioritizing being emotionally/ mentally rock solid, financially/ career wise being solid etc. But even then I don't see a lot of people approaching me. Not saying prioritizing those things is bad, if anything I encourage it because it helps you build a solid self-esteem and sense of security so you don't fall for someone who is potentially toxic. I don't regret it one bit. But openness is a HUGE factor. And I can see myself neglecting that to a certain extent. Thank you so much for sharing.

I would say little or average anxiety. I have been doing some shadow work to address that along with some of my limiting beliefs I can handle most daily life situations with no problem and have a normal or great conversation with people. Ehhh... no not really. I can do it if it's something simple as making an announcement but when it comes to giving a speech or a presentation I do tend to talk fast and tense up. Yes it can. I can have a bit of a stutter at times since I feel like my mind goes much faster than the words I'm trying to say (also anxiety). I can see how that can make me seem overly excitable and all over the place at times. I've been trying to be more mindful of that. But I think it's one of those things that I tend to notice more in myself. I tried to talk in video once to see what I'm like and it isn't super noticeable or common.

I'm usually not the first to approach regardless if it's in the context of a relationship or a friendship. I can be super bubbly in one on one situations but as soon as there is more than idk 4 people in a group, I tend to take a more of an observer type role.

That makes sense. I tried that before and I'm open to a different perspective. I'm going to write down what I've been told just for the sake of this thread. I've been told that the reason why I don't attract that many guys is because shyness can look like unpredictability. There is more mystery and some guys tend to look at that and get freaked out. Another thing is that if you're shy but not a doormat, fuckboys will be hesitant to approach you because you look too conservative to sleep with them right away and because you can stand up for yourself/ establish boundaries that means they cant manipulate you as easily. So that cuts away at a large chunk of guys and then it comes down to a quality > quantity type of situation.

Yeah I do have a resting bitch face. Wouldnt be surprised if that was a contributing factor. There may be a point there. While I dont consider myself giving off a maternal vibe in the slightest, I do have a tendency to dress rather conservatively. It's a coping mechanism since I have a body type that gets sexualized really easily. Like one wrong move and I'll have a bunch of people staring at me because I look like I'm about to sit on the casting couch ? I guess dressing conservatively and against trends can make me come across as older, sometimes more intimidating, and give me a mom vibe rather than something sexy.

How do you deal with the desire to want to be the best or to want to be better than others? I have encountered a lot of this with other people and I have found this tendency in myself in varying degrees. I know it comes from a place of insecurity, notion of scarcity, and wanting to be loved over the other person and those are somethings to address ultimately with self love but I'm also curious in regards to other ways of looking at this.

The political analysis makes so much more sense when you combine it with spiral dynamics

I have seen some accounts of that too. Most of those girls weren't even ugly. In fact I remember seeing a couple of pretty girls who saw it as a compliment. They weren't below average Just insecure and misognistic. Wouldn't be surprised if trauma and cultural conditioning were also involved (some of these women were older and likely grew up in a more conservative time where this type of thing wasn't seen as something that was super bad) And before anyone says anything, they don't represent the VAST majority of women of any age or attractiveness. That shit is terrifying.

I know plenty of girls who don't get approached at all. They're also attractive. They just mind their own business, do what they need to do, and don't come off as outgoing (not necessarily shy, awkward, and reserved just not outgoing). Probably that's why a lot of them are my friends because, well, like attracts like. But at the same time we all acknowledge that we're probably in the minority.

I get approached, I'm just not liked or I don't like the other person back lmao ??

I mean I tend to be bubbly af when I meet people, but I think I come off shy because I'm not the one doing the approaching. That's probably the problem. I'm not interesting in hooking up and having sex until it's been at least a couple months. Then again this isn't one of those things that I'm willing to compromise. If that's the case, I'm willing to wait for a guy who isn't in a rush either.

Tbh, there weren't many guys like that in my school. There were a few but once they got to college they started living their hoe years like everyone else. Idk, sometimes I feel like I'm the only one that is single and just chilling (not hooking up etc.). I know I'm not the only one but most people who I've met who are like that are other girls. I have been on a few dates here and there and there were many times whenever I mention my lack of experience people are shocked. Even when I'm not on a date and the topic comes up, every time I say something I'm met with something along the lines of "really?! That's so weird. But like you're completely normal I would expect that you would've done *insert sexual/ relationship milestone here*." Idk as I write this out, something about the notion of not having done things being seen as weird seems unhealthy for both men and women. I know there is this thing in society where if you have been single for a long time people immediately think that there is something wrong with you when there is perfectly normal and sane people who haven't had a whole lot of experience. But how else am I supposed to communicate my needs/boundaries if even when I say it softly and directly people are like “why didn’t she tell me or give me a warning? I could have apologized or improved?” Like I'm not beating around the bush but I'm also not being harsh. That would explain somethings. Don't know about the more than half of guys who are struggling with video game addictions but then again maybe it's because they aren't super out and about either. Really? In my experience it's the opposite. The extroverted people seem super chaotic and all over the place while the introverts seem calm and collected. But then again, dysfunction can come in many different forms.

or maybe the loudest ones are the ones that typically catch my attention

Also just flexing in general is super orange

This just made my day. It really cracked me up lmao

But why do most of the guys I see the ones that never had any issues with approaching and sleep around constantly? I feel like I'm surrounded by fuck boys 90% of the time. I know that not all guys are like this. This may be rude (or horribly short sided on my part because of my surroundings) but I swear that the only place where I have seen guys who are afraid to approach girls. guys who aren't constantly getting laid, and guys who don't have a list of hoes in their phones is in this forum. If anything, I mainly see women struggle with dating because they keep getting played, never approached, or struggling in a toxic relationship.

Self Development as a Part of My Self-Esteem I have talked about this in a different post about how one of the toxic reasons why I got into self improvement was because of this notion that there was something wrong with me an how in order to be loved I need to be developed. Going through this ego backlash made me realize how the thought of backsliding does threaten my sense of self worth. And then this causes me to backslide even more. But recognizing an ego backlash as an ego backlash doesn't address the fallacy that self development does not make a person more worthy. The reason why seeing an ego backlash as something that will cause me to make progress in self development and grow me even more makes me feel better is because that essentially says "don't worry, this isn't threatening your ego, it will build it up even more, just be patient." I don't know if this post is making sense because I don't think I'm articulating it well but saying something is a part of your growth when you are back sliding when you base your worth on moving forward just reinforces things in a way. Also this type of thinking can lead to looking down on others who are not as far along in their self actualizing journey or who are struggling with life in general. It could lead to a superiority (look at me I'm so developed) and inferiority complex (I'm such a bad person for not being as conscious as I could have) as well. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is a tangent but yesterday I saw a picture of a guy I liked some time ago. I don't have feelings for him anymore but everytime I see him I ask myself wtf I'm doing with my life? I feel behind in life, like I'm not going enough, like I'm back to my 17 year old self again. It's almost as all of my work went out the window and I'm brought back to an earlier age. Then I told myself this. "You are doing a lot and you have made a lot of progress. But even if you didn't and you stagnated, why would that be a bad thing? Your worth isn't dependent on how much you have grown. You are and always will be worthy no matter what state your consciousness, your mood, or your life circumstance is in." That alleviated some of the emotions and it wasn't as piercing or intense as it once was. But in a way I still felt like I was 17 again. I think a part of myself wants to be 17 again because of how I feel dissatisfied with my life right now. I'm jealous of 17 year old me. Right now I'm not making good grades. Right now I don't have a solid group of friends. I had those things back then and because of that I felt confident and self assured about the future. I felt like I was going somewhere in life. In that way I felt safe (see smart= safety). But then again, I think 17 year old me would also be jealous of me as well. I have grown a lot as a person and I have removed a lot of my blockages that were bringing me down. It isn't a worth thing rather I guess in some ways 17 year old me would look at me right now and think, damn she feels more in alignment. As I write this out I just got a thought. We don't chase objects or status symbols, we chase feelings and state of being. The objects we chase are the forms we believe these feelings take. Because I feel 17 again, part of me feels as if it regressed back to orange to where I'm putting my happiness in my ability to be successful and have friends. I know this isn't true but I guess there is part of me deep down inside that thinks this. It's important to note down that we regress when there is something in a prior developmental stage that is unresolved. I think I remember mentioning somewhere that part of me also pursued self development, not for self development's sake but to gain material success. So now, because I'm not getting this success just yet, part of me is frustrated and is questioning if I'm even growing at all. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I know that I have posted these videos earlier in my journal but I think it's worth reposting and reiterating.

I think that this video can be helpful. I remember seeing a quote a few times around in this forum that is along the lines of "motivation needs a motive while inspiration needs spirit." Find something that you genuinely like and that feels aligned with your spirit rather than something that you feel that you are obligated to do. Also I also came across this idea that there is no such thing as a lack of motivation rather it is misplaced motivation. For instance, if instead of doing your work you want to sleep all day someone may say that shows a lack of motivation towards work. However, you could flip it around and say that you have a ton of motivation towards sleep. I guess you could see this and apply it to your life to view situations. Instead of asking yourself why you lack motivation to do a thing, ask yourself why you are motivated to do something else. The later will help you identify your blockages and address them so you can flow into whatever you want to do instead of applying brute force to your situation and forcing yourself to do what you want to do. Going solely on brute force and grit can get exhausting. Flowing into what you truly want to do can help you move more towards inspiration and authenticity.