soos_mite_ah

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Lately I have been doing some shadow work because I realized that I have some issues with confidence. I find it difficult to really put myself out there because deep down I feel like I don't deserve to take up space. I feel like I'm always doing the most just by existing, like there is something inherently wrong with me. A lot of this has to do with trauma from my childhood (think from like 5-10). I've been trying to unpack that and dismantle those core beliefs but even though I consciously know that the messages that were ingrained into me were bullshit, I have problems with really embodying it. Some days I feel like wanting to hide in a cave and never have anyone see me again. This has caused me to isolate from people, keep quiet about my thoughts and opinions, and made it difficult to sell myself in certain settings where it is necessary. I might also have mild social anxiety from this as well. But the more isolating factor is that people see the opposite. They see me as someone who seems like they have it together in many aspects of their life and some people have even told me that I intimidate them because of the way I carry myself. I think I carry myself well because I have done a lot of self improvement work and have benefited a lot from it. I got into self improvement for a variety of good reasons, the central one being to improve my well being and quality of life so that I can live to the fullest. But there is a shadow side to this as well. I got into self development because I thought there was something inherently wrong with me. I can't get at what exactly is wrong with me, what exactly I can fix anymore. I'm trying to integrate the notion that self development won't make you a better person or more worthy because you were worthy during all parts of the journey. I think my problem is that I can be too hard on myself but I don't know man. I don't know what's wrong with me or if whats wrong with me is me thinking that there must be something wrong with me. How do I embody what I consciously know subconsciously? I feel like there are parts of myself that are fighting and contradicting and this thing just feels like a mess. Like the conscious part of me is like "Of course you are worthy, you were worthy this entire time. Literally no one thinks that you are lesser than them. It's all you." But my unconscious programming is like "Hide yourself away and keep improving yourself until you can come out as a perfect person because no one will love you if you have flaws."

Notes: 9/1 William James splits the "I" and the "me" "Me": Empirical self Level 1: material self- body, race, job, what you own, external appearances etc Your selfhood extends out to the physical world, it's not just the body. Think of the way you keep your environment, how you materially choose to present yourself etc. Level 2: social self- how we interact with others (perceptions of self and other bounce off each other between people), roles, labels, self image We are not the same depending on our circumstance. Think of the different parts of yourself and how they conflict considering your surroundings. Level 3: spiritual self- not physical/mental, thoughts, feelings, memories, will (power of choice) -> choose where we put our attention and choose meanings and interpretations we assign to things Knowledge by experience: immediate, direct, undoubtable (empiric) Knowledge by acquaintance: theory from others, linguistic, comes from culture most of this is preconscious: as a child you are programmed with stuff before you are emotionally and cognitively ready to take things in and evaluate them critically. These two terms reminds me of how Leo discusses science as something that is just as beliefs based as religion because you are learning about theories rather than going out and seeing things for yourself.

Cravings: My Journey with Food I have been trying to eat healthier in general for the last couple of years now. A couple years ago, I had a really chaotic life. I always used food as a way to cope with my feelings but during this time I went pretty overboard. When I got to college I didn't feel like myself. I certainly didn't feel good in my body both in terms of looks but also in terms of health. Since then I have been trying to fix up my diet. I wasn't trying to do some type of crash lifestyle change and go from there. I was trying to do things gradually. Phase 1 (September to December 2018): Firstly, I stopped using food as a coping mechanism. Instead of eating more, I tried to journal and talk to people in regards to what was going on in my life. That helped me immensely when it came to food. I also started unpacking my issues around eating whether it is bingeing and purging, bad body image issues, etc. I didn't alter my diet all that much but I addressed a lot of inner blockages in therapy during this time. I was also dealing with other stuff in regards to self development such as trauma and adjusting to college so this wasn't my biggest priority at this time. Phase 2 (January to September 2019): Next, after I got my portion sizes under control, I began evaluating what I was eating. I realized that I was eating like trash. I also tried doing intermittent fasting during this time as well. Doing the one meal a day diet helped me evaluate my choices because I was only eating once a day meaning I got to see all of the food I was eating for that day at once. It was an eye opener for me because my choices were laid out in front of me. So during this time I tried to incorporate more healthy options and also control my hunger so that I'm not craving food 24/7. I also got rid of like 70% of my cravings this way. I tried not to go down the route of restricting but I simply redirected myself to other choices. Eventually, after not eating things like fries, pizza, and chips for a while, I stopped craving them and I stopped having a taste for them. Around this time I also found out that I'm lactose intolerant. I didn't know this at all until i found the statistics for lactose intolerance and the populations it effects. I then became more mindful of dairy products and how they make me feel. I noticed that I can have things like yogurt and cheese in small amounts but if I try to have a whole glass of milk or more than 1 scoop of ice cream, I just get a mild stomach ache. I would get these aches before but I thought it was normal so I never questioned it. This is also the same with really greasy and oily foods. I don't get a stomach ache but I do notice myself feeling sluggish and blah (for a lack of a better word). I just stopped and it wasn't difficult for me to do so because I was genuinely trying to do things that made me feel better. Phase 3 (September 2019 to February 2020) : Then I ran into some problems. Intermittent fasting made me restrict my calories too much. It wasn't intentional but it was a side effect. I felt full and satisfied throughout the day and I didn't know that this was becoming a problem until my period stopped arriving. I looked it up and I found out that this can happen to some people who do intermittent fasting. I also found myself slowly drifting towards an unhealthy mindset with eating. I liked that "morning skinny" feeling I had after waking up and not eating for most of the day. I felt this need to restrict more and more. I have been down this path before and I know the consequences so I reevaluated my course of action and started eating 2 meals a day, just lunch and dinner. I have made the observation on this journey that I don't really react well to breakfast so I don't force myself to eat anymore though occasionally when I feel like it, i don't stop myself. I also tried to go back being mindful of how different foods make my body feel in different ways. I noticed that I also don't react well with a lot of grains in my diet so like most breads and rice. They fill me up and make me bloated to where I don't want to eat at all for the rest of the day. So I have been cutting down on that. I didn't completely eliminate bread from my diet but I keep enough there so that I don't go in the opposite directions and start eating 24/7. Phase 4 (March to August 2020): And then the lock downs happened. I had to move back home and my food habits changed yet again. I started restricting my food more and started being more self conscious when it came to my body image because of my family's influence. I slipped into some of my old unhealthy mindsets. Thankfully, during this time I learned about intuitive eating. One of the main takeaways I got is that the more you restrict something, the more you crave it because when you restrict, there is this understanding of scarcity when it come to food and as a result you eat everything in sight because your cave man brain thinks it will never eat again. Say you're trying to get rid of a chocolate craving. If you keep restricting and tell yourself I CAN'T EAT CHOCOLATE you're going to crave it more since you're still thinking about it (there are also elements of law of attraction here at play). Then when you are presented with chocolate you binge it because you subconsciously think you aren't ever going to see it again because of the scarcity mindset. The solution to get rid of cravings is counter intuitive. Instead of restricting, you allow it. By allowing something over time the food in question loses its novelty, its specialness, and its element of being a "guilty pleasure." I decided to try this out. The two cravings I have been trying to get rid of this entire time was cheese and chocolate. So I stopped restricting those foods from myself. I let myself eat as much cheese and chocolate for the last few months. At first I was eating a lot of it but then eventually I got tired of these foods. I also did this with any other cravings I had that I would previously suppressed. The same thing happened. I stopped craving things. But more importantly, I stopped beating myself up for my food choices and the way my body looks. Apparently this can also work with people who have "food addictions" even if you are extremely over weight. Basically, after you completely exhaust your cravings, you stop craving them and consequently your body returns back to its normal state. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Now I'm at a place where I have achieved a lot of my food related goals. Healthy eating isn't much of a problem for me. I eat decent portion sizes. I have an understanding of what feels good for me personally (fried foods and dairy occasionally, certain types of grains such as tortillas over rice, and meat like once a day). I don't crave anything on a regular basis. Not fast food, not anything sweet or greasy, AND ALSO NOT CHEESE OR CHOCOLATE. I'm also really excited for the last part because I swear I have been dealing with a cheese and chocolate addiction forever. I also look and feel like I did before my life went to shit 2 years ago. I feel like myself again and I'm so grateful for that. I feel like because I didn't put this on a time frame (like YOU NEED TO START EATING HEALTHY 24/7 FOR THE NEXT 28 DAYS TO ESTABLISH A HABIT) this became something that comes naturally and something that I genuinely want to do rather than a fad. It became more of a lifestyle rather than a habit. I also learned about a lot on how we can get into habits and routines by slowly seeing how this plays out but that's a whole nother post. But yeah.. that is my food journey for the last 2 years. It took me longer than what I expected and there was a lot of trial and error but I'm here now and I'm so proud of myself.

How do you know if you're interested in something because you're good at it or if you're interested something because you genuinely like it?

I finally got around to watching Noah's videos. Thank you so much for recommending him to me. It fits what I'm working on perfectly. Honestly, this felt like a game changer. Thank you!!!!

Something I'm Trying to Integrate I feel so blessed to have found this source. It applies PERFECTLY with the shadow work, confidence development, and social anxiety issues I'm working through. I found him after I posted a question with what I'm currently working on and someone recommended me to him. I think the concepts presented in his channel is a good way of developing self worth without building up the ego.

Human Interaction I forgot to post this yesterday but I had a 3 hour long international relations course that was mainly discussion based. I will say that I was a little nervous since I have never taken a course like this and that I felt a little awkward because I was talking to actual people (with the exception of my parents) for the first time in like months. But I was also really excited. We had to read 5 articles on globalization and discuss in class. The topic was really interesting to me so it wasn't too hard for me to prepare and eventually participate. I'm just really happy I got to talk to people about things that I'm really interested in outside of the internet. I can't wait to do this again next week.

Same! As much as I want a yellow future one day even thought im not going to be alive to see it, I wonder if orange's industrialization and destruction of the environment will end us all before we have a chance to get there.

When it comes to Texas, I can see it potentially turning blue but barely. However, I wouldn't be surprised if Trump wins In 2018, Cruz won against Beto. It was split 51% and 48%. It was really close especially for what is considered a pretty red state. All I'm saying that it's a matter of time before Texas turns blue.

There is no telling what Florida man is going to do lol

I think that a lot of it will slowly disappear after we move from stage orange to stage green because orange tends to be very looks oriented Also to play devils advocate, there are some down sides to being beautiful as well (particularly if you are a woman). If you have something smart to say, you're less likely to be taken seriously and more likely to be sexualized. There are also women who will view you as a competition, bully you, and assume that you're a slut who sleeps around with a lot of guys all because they are jealous. I think there are even some instances where you're less likely to get hired if you look good for the same exact reason, so it's like be attractive, but not be too attractive. Also, for both genders, I wouldn't be surprised if people would just try to get with you, not because they like you or care about you, but just because of your looks. There are some sketchy sleazy people out there who would try to see you as some type of trophy or see having sex with you as some type of conquest. Then there are those partners that get extra insecure and protective around you because they are paranoid that everyone is trying to sleep with you. And on top of that as@Consept mentioned there is that chance that you don't develop much as a person and then when you get old, you have an existential crisis because all that pretty privilege fades away and you're left with nothing.

I think it also shows what happens when you don't fully integrate into a stage and therefore still have aspects from the lower stages that you haven't worked through. There was this really interesting study that I read about a year ago. With the homeless man and his dog example, studies have actually shown that homeless people tend to take really good care of their dogs. Unlike house pets, the dogs get a lot of exercise and time to mess around outside. As far as food goes, the dogs are typically well fed because the homeless person caring for the dog sees the dog as a part of him/her self, as a way of holding on to life and having a form of connection. The reason why people feel sorry for the dog and not the person is because the dog is seen as more helpless in the situation whereas the person is seen as someone who had a choice and made the wrong ones. It has a lot to do with how people see the poor and the homeless as bad people who made bad choices rather than people who had terrible life circumstances due to structural issues. There is a lot of orange in this phenomenon when it comes to seeing people who become victim to capitalism as unworthy of survival.

I think another step is to just start talking about it since a lot of people don't even know it's a thing I've also seen a few people talk about "pretty privilege." I recommend you check that out. Also to add on to the notion of lookism, I think one thing that is crucial to understanding the prevalence of it is the concept of "the halo effect." The halo effect is when you see someone attractive and immediately associate them with positive qualities like being nice, being smart, etc. without knowing anything about them. There is also the case of the guy who got a modeling contract when he sentenced to prison after his mugshot went viral https://www.ibtimes.com/prison-bae-update-jeremy-meeks-makes-new-york-fashion-week-debut-2492580

I took some time to think about this and I will say with 100% confidence that I have absolutely no idea The more I think the more I realize how much I don't know.

I saw one of the comments that said "what in the whiteness and colonialism happening here" Literally my thoughts lmaoooooo also thought of this

Yeah it's going to be much harder to develop in an environment that isn't conducive to actualizing if you live in a place where because is a lack of governmental and social infrastructure that keeps everyone in survival mode The thing that I like about spiral dynamics is that it brings that social/ psychological infrastructure to light and help map it out. So rather than looking at a blue person in a developing country and writing them off as evil for being sexist, racist, and homophobic, you realize that it's a part of a individual as well as a collective developmental stage that people can grow out of and that is due to the environment rather than some inherent devilry.

I think it's because a lot of things that can fall under the umbrella of "lookism" also fall under things such as racism, sexism, ableism, classism etc. Racism (also colorism): Euro-centric features are seen as more beautiful like light colored eyes, straighter hair, thin nose, big eyes etc. Sexism: notion of the male gaze, what men and women are supposed to look and be like, men have to big and tall to be attractive while women have to be dainty and thin for instance etc. Ableism: if you look like you have a disability, you aren't seen as attractive, facial deformities etc. Classism: the association of poor people and a lack of taste/ tackiness, rich are sophisticated and graceful, plastic surgery as a status symbol etc. Much of what we consider beauty is dependent on the power structures and the conditioning of our society. My solution is to address the above and the go from there.

@mandyjw I can see how it can go hand in hand. If you're interested in something, you're more likely to practice and become really good at it. For my specific case, I'm currently studying finance. I got interested in finance because I thought I was good at math. I'm good at math because I enjoy dealing with numbers. I tried to think of when this enjoyment started and I traced it back to when my parents made me do extra math after school growing up. I think that extra practice and the encouragement might have conditioned me into liking math. I don't know to what extent an interest is authentic if it is conditioned. But then again, aren't many interests conditioned usually by some type of early experience? So now I'm questioning whether or not i'm genuinely into finance. I started questioning this because I started this one topic that is difficult and I caught myself thinking to myself "god I hate this." This might be just this one topic we are going over and it might just be a little bit of frustration lol but I did begin to question myself.

Dream Journal 9/1 For some reason it's the same year but I'm 10 years old again. I am back to my chubby awkward self with short hair and glasses. My dad seems annoyed at my mom for some reason and then tells me to bring all of the Andriod chargers to him while he and my mom wait in the car. I go around the house looking for all 5 of them. When I get to the 5th one, I reach for it and then my alarm clock woke me up.

Yeah people sin to make themselves happy but think about it this way, you have to make yourself happy because you weren't happy in the first place. Happiness isn't an on and off switch. You can't simply make yourself happy. It's a state of being that needs to be work towards. The exercise part of the quote isn't the most important part lmao (it was just a comedic effect in the scene of the movie). The message is that happy people don't go out of their way to make other people miserable because they are secure in themselves. Sure there is a type of happiness sinners experience. Often times these are lower levels of happiness that are often very fleeting and can lead to things like guilt, repentance, and more problems in their lives As far as sacrifice goes, yeah that happens to people in a certain stage when they are still in the process of integrating a moral framework (usually stage blue) and that comes with a lot of repression. But if it is coming from a more genuine place such as concern for others, the sacrifice doesn't feel nearly as painful because you actually want to lay down something you identify with for the sake of others. I don't feel like I'm sacrificing my desire to murder, I simply don't want to because nothing is upsetting me to the point where I would think of hurting someone. Often times the greatest sins / acts lacking in love we commit to ourselves aren't obvious to others. When we deny our own feelings, experiences etc. or when we sell our souls/ genuine desires for something like money or status because we were too afraid of going after what we wanted and instead craved something that will affirm our worth, we are in a state of pain and sin. That sin is an act of self betrayal for our egoic desires. It can be both and can feed into a never ending cycle. You aren't happy so you go manipulate someone and mess them up. Then you repent and feel guilty. You feel worse because of what you have done. To alleviate that, you do more messed up shit to try to make yourself happy but it never works.

I beg to differ. Major sinners are often very unhappy which is why they are compelled to commit those sins in the first place. Instead of having the courage to look inside themselves to heal, they desensitize their pain by projecting outwardly as they manipulate and hurt others. Their sins are an expression of their unhappiness. As Elle woods from Legally Blonde said "Exercise gives you endorphins, endorphins make you happy, and happy people don't shoot their husbands. They just don't." lmao That's just one example but that's my over all take on it haha

@Mu_ Yeah this makes a lot of sense. Actually this week I have been doing better. I started school again for the semester and when I catch myself having these thoughts and feelings, I let myself observe it for a bit and then I redirect myself to something I need to get done. I noticed that it has helped me acknowledge whats happening internally without getting too consumed in it through excessive focusing. Meditation has been helpful in processing and purging my suppressed feelings so that I'm at least aware of the inner workings of this mechanism. But lately I find that it compels me to bring out the microscope even more. I'm still going to keep meditating but I think it's good to redirect myself when I catch myself spiraling since at this point I'm already aware of whats happening and any more pondering can potentially get excessive. I really like this. I've been thinking about this for the last couple days now and it was eye opening. It just took a minute to really sink in. Thank you. I only know things from my limited ego, I can't know exactly what others are thinking/feeling because i'm not in their perspective. I only know what my ego is projecting for me. Also, I have had the realization about a couple months ago that I am the awareness rather than the thoughts. I think it's a matter of time and me solidifying my meditation practice until I fully integrate this notion.

The lack of social interest part is a side effect of moving to yellow similar to how your productivity can be reduced when you move from orange to green. As far as compassion goes, I think its good to try to read into more social issues, not in an activist sort of way but much more so in a way that compels you to empathize with people who are not in the best circumstance in society. That can also help you connect to your own emotions through relating with others, even if it isn't face to face/in person. Also meditation and mindfulness helps when it comes to connecting to your feelings. Or the notion that you are feeling disconnected from your feelings could be because you've been really calm lately. I noticed myself being more chill after I started transitioning to yellow. I wasn't feeling as much and I was wondering if something was wrong and then i realized that I just wasn't as triggered all the time like I was before.

Well it depends on what triggers you. Some questions you can ask yourself are the following (you can use this for any stage really): What aspects of green makes you uncomfortable? What aspects have you yet to delve into? What's stopping you? What do you think you're lacking from green.