soos_mite_ah

Thank you so much @Moon Exactly!!! This is 100% accurate. From my experience, this goes for flirting in general. Even if you are a woman, going into a situation with the expectation of sex can make things awkward at best and downright creepy worst. And most people can't sense if intentions are off even if they can't exactly put their finger on it. My personal rule of flirting is to keep it light hearted and don't get too intense, especially with someone you don't know, because you don't know what the other person might be feeling/ thinking. It's just out of consideration. The best form of flirting, regardless of gender, is rooted in empathy for the other person and wanting them feel good about themselves, not self interest. Honestly, even if you haven't had much success, you are ahead of a lot of men. Starting with your way of thinking working on that along with your self confidence/ self perception is the best place to begin.

I mean I know they exist, but I'm pretty sure it's a timing thing tbh. Yeah that isn't really my style. Aint nothing wrong with it but personally, I don't want to have sex outside of a committed relationship or do anything sexual before actually getting to know someone for a couple of months. Not really into that attitude. I would rather have a guy enthusiastically and authentically like me and find me attractive rather than seeing me as settling or as a second option. I personally don't settle because I believe that is disrespectful to my time and his and is deceptive because you lead someone you don't have much interest in on. Plus, even if this is the case where I'm hypothetically just hooking up with someone, I'm pretty sure the sex would be hotter and more satisfying if neither party was giving up their standards/ desires when it comes to what they look for someone physically. I'll just wait to encounter one of the more actualized ones. I've have gone 21 years without kissing any frogs and having little to no headaches with guys, I can wait longer with no problem. I guess in a way I'm like Ty Lee in the sense I can be bubbly, generally really nice, and good with people but I guess I give off too much of a sweet and innocent vibe that can be annoying for some people who are just trying to get laid and move on hahaha. Eh, their loss. Idc. I'm not chasing and obsessing. I'm just living my life, minding my own business, and finding random things, topics, and people who interests me.

Thank you so much for this detailed comparison. I found it really interesting Recently I have been getting intrigued with extreme cases like this and the psychology behind them. Especially with Trump. He is such a petri dish of issues and a dumpster fire of neurosis to where he is like a horrific car crash that you can't turn away from. I'm planning on reading more into him as a person after he isn't president and I don't see him on the news every day, ya know for my own sanity. But yeah super fascinating!!! It's like studying a science experiment of an ego go horribly wrong in every possible way.

I have never met a guy in person who had to talk to like 50 girls to get 1 to like them. The only place I have heard this and the so called numbers game is this forum and reddit. Granted I hang out with other women most of the time and the loudest most obnoxious guys are usually the ones that get noticed most often if that makes sense. And I'm not even talking about guys who look like models. I have met men who look like they are one cigarette away from dying, is mentally a mess, and looks like he lives in a trailer park and he has numerous women who swoon after him. There is such a wide spectrum of what girls prefer to where I don't even understand why some girls are attracted to some guys. When I say looks don't matter as much as you think it does, I really mean that. I have seen so many pretty girls who go out with guys who don't even know what it means to exfoliate and look like he hasn't washed his hair in a month. Like to me that is the epitome of straight woman shit. I'm pretty sure there is a version of that for men since there is a wide variety of things a guy might find attractive, from short girls, to tall girls, to really skinny girls, to girls who are much thicker, and every thing else in between but girls assume that guys want a super model. We obsess about our bodies and get insecure about details that guys wouldn't bother to scrutinize. Like we maybe insecure of that one stretch mark we have or how are boobs don't look like a porn stars and we may think that we are unfuckable because of that but I'm pretty sure guys don't care and if they see a naked woman they aren't going to nitpick at her body the same way that she might. I have watched a video of a guy fucking a McDonald's chicken sandwich before and ever since then I stopped caring about what guys think of me looks wise because a lot of them are probably not looking for much. Same with guys. I've seen guys on here who I think are attractive but because I guess they aren't the "male model" type, they underestimate themselves and then that lack of confidence manifests when they want to go out and date. And then that lack of confidence is what sabotages them, not their lack of facial hair or their big nose. You don't need much to get a date for either gender. All you need to do is have basic social skills, not act like a psychopath, and have a couple hobbies and interests so yall can talk about something together as a medium to connect. Once you have all that, go out and talk to people. Not shy, just a homebody. I can come off as a little emotionally cold and detached but I'm also really bubbly irl. I do smile and laugh a lot and unfortunately people assume that I'm crazy, fake, or delusional for looking happy all the time . As far as touchiness goes, I'm super comfortable with touch but I'm never the one that initiates because I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. If someone is touchy with me, I don't mind doing the same right back. As far as looks goes, I'm super average looking. I mean I think I'm pretty and I like the way I look but I'm pretty sure most people think that I'm just ok. Eh, I don't put too much effort into dating. I have other things in my life going on. I grew up ugly so because of that I have made peace with the possibility of dying alone. I'm neutral towards it. If I find a partner that's great. But if I die alone with a bunch of cats, that great too lol .

I think there are two things at play here. First of all, there is a historical context that needs to be considered. Especially for women, we get lectured about what will attract a man, what will keep a man etc. all the time. If he cheats, you must have done something. Maybe it's because you don't cook that well and now he wants to go fuck a stripper. Oh you have a more androgenous style? You will never get a guy go put on some makeup. No no not that much, now you look like a clown and a whore that men will think is too easy. You won't get respect like that. There is a lot of bullshit that is told to women about the exact way to act, talk, and dress. I watched the video that the original poster put up and it seemed like pretty harmless advice but I can also understand the undertones some women can pick up. So sometimes, it strikes at that particular collective wound. Second, I see a pattern with people who have had problems with relationships and attraction over a number of years. Being a woman I know a lot of women who have had issues with finding a quality guy. After getting on this site and reading some of these threads, I found some parallels with what some men complain about. Men on this forum: God women have it so easy, they can get laid any time. They don't need to put any effort. It's not a problem for women to sleep around and attract a lot of men. Women I have met: God men have it so easy, they can get laid any time. They don't need to put any effort. It's not a problem for men to sleep around and attract a lot of women. I'm going to be honest, often times, men or women, attracting someone has to do with timing and putting yourself out there in various social situations. I know that it is super cheesy, seems waaay too simple, and can seem dismissive and aggravating to someone who is frustrated and as a result feeling impatient but it's true. Sometimes there is absolutely nothing wrong with you but because you keep obsessing and getting neurotic about it, then you actually start having problems and start having self esteem issues, victim complexes, incel ideology, start shutting yourself in etc. It can turn into a self fulfilling profecy real quick Personally, I'm 21 years old, I have yet to even have my first kiss much less lose my virginity. I have been on a couple dates here and there but I haven't really clicked with anyone. And I have had times where I thought there was something really wrong with me. Maybe it's because I'm *insert any trait/ circumstance* but then I see *insert any trait/ circumstance* people get into relationships. Then I was like, hey maybe it's just not my time and I stopped obsessing about it, which in turn helped me be more confident and reduce the resistance I had to a situation. In order to attract something, a situation, or someone, you need to release your attachment and your resistance to what you're trying to manifest. I know that is easier said than done and I can see why it would be in some ways even more frustrating as a man if you lack experience because society puts in emphasis on attracting and sleeping with a lot of women and ties it to notions of masculinity. While I'm all for being more open about sex and sexuality, I think it's messed up to judge someone based on their experience or lack there of regardless of gender which can come with all sorts of notions and double standards. Sex isn't a big deal and by that I don't mean that if you're not sleeping around and not going crazy that there is something wrong with you rather I mean that whatever choices you have made or however life and it's timing has worked out for you, it doesn't matter as long as everything is safe and consensual.

If you think we are being paranoid, then you aren't fully empathizing to the female experience. We get called paranoid until something bad happens to us. When something bad happens to us, the script is flipped and suddenly we are to blame for not being careful enough or for asking for it. It may not be overt threats but we do pick up signs and red flags. Also rape being this thing that happens in dark alley ways is not entirely true. You are much more likely to be raped by a guy whos name and face you know. Most girls are regular people. We aren't these highly intuitive beings that can read everyone's emotions and intentions at the drop of the hat. The whole point of manipulation is that it isn't going to be clear as day. Unless you are hella weird and do a piss poor job at trying manipulate a girl, there are some girls that will fall for bat shit crazy antics. Mainly the ones that are inexperienced, really naive, or have a lot of internalized misogny to where they don't recognize how badly they are being treated and think this is the norm. Also like men who are attracted to toxic women, women can also be attracted to toxic men because of trauma. Also there is this thing where girls don't want to say no to guys because society sees us having standards as being bitchy and asking for too much, because society thinks we are crazy when we feel something in our gut that says something is wrong, after all he is "such a good guy", and because sometimes we are straight up terrified of what a guy might do to us.

I had a similar experience when I came to this forum and went to the dating section. It wasn't so much I felt hurt but I was creeped out by some of the attitudes guys held and the descriptions of behaviors from these guys combined their lack of awareness of how terrifying and misognistic their actions can be in the eyes of a woman. Some of the threads come off as really incel-ly. That type of attitude is like an automatic red flag imo if I were to be on a date with a guy. A lot of our struggles revolve around the topic of physical and emotional safety. You can see this when you compare the answers guys and girls give when they talk about what their worst date was. Often times, a guys definition of a really bad date can be turned into a funny anecdote about how awkward and bizarre a situation was. A girls definition of a really bad date can look like a scenario out of a crime drama where she could've gotten raped or killed. And before anyone comes here and starts talking about "not all men," I'm just going to say that there is still a power dynamic between the treatment men and women in society. Not only that, guys can be much larger than us and physically threaten us more. We see so many stories about women getting assaulted after she rejected a weird guy or she refused to go on a second date. We see so many stories of women getting physically and emotionally hurt by guys whether it be in the news or someone close to us. We all have had to deal with some type of bullshit from guys or at the very least know a dozen people who have. To be a woman is to be constantly be on guard, whether it is walking in a parking lot or going on a date with a guy you swiped right on in tinder. Here is a brief list of things I consider before and during on a date: Does he creep me out? What is my gut feeling saying? Does he have a bad attitude towards women and is entitled to sex? If he does have a bad or entitled attitude, is it so extreme to the point I need to be vigilant about him drugging me or raping me? If I met a guy on tinder, I'm going to send a screenshot of his profile to my friend and show a picture of what I am wearing just in case this turns out badly. Do I have pepper spray on me? Is he a narcissist or someone who doesn't respect my physical or emotional boundaries? Will he emotionally manipulate me? Do I see any manipulation tactics coming from him? What is my exit strategy if things get weird? Can I call a friend or go up to a near by woman to signal that something is wrong? I need to constantly keep an eye on my drink if I have one. I have numerous friends who have gotten drugged at parties before. And that's not even taking into consideration on whether I like a guy or not or if I'm enjoying myself.

Perfectionism I believe that my perfectionistic tendencies is one of the big barriers to me being more gentle with myself. To reiterate how I have defined gentleness, I'm going to insert a quote from a previous post on this journal and then to the side I'm going to explain how perfectionism relates to this. I never thought of myself as perfectionist until the last few months or so. I think we have a caricature of perfectionism is in society. In this caricature, perfectionism is the kid that freaks out if they get a 99 instead of a 100. It's the person who is super meticulous in the way they work and has a spotless room. It's the clean freak who freaks out over spilt milk. These are all very extreme and cartoonish examples of perfectionism. If anything, I see myself as very contradictory to these tropes. I'm ok with less than perfect grades. I'm not super detail oriented. And finally, I don't have a perfectly clean room (though it is pretty organized most of the time). I'm comfortable with all of these less than perfect scenarios. Because of this perception of perfectionism, I didn't realize I had this problem until recently. The first time I had an inkling about being a perfectionist was when I took the enneagram test and my result came out as a 1w9. That means that I have a type 1 personality with some elements of a type 9 personality according to their system but if I remember correctly, for me it was an even split between 1 and 9. Here is a brief description of types. They sometimes have different names. I know for type 1s they are usually either called the reformer or the perfectionist. I think for most of my life I identified more with my type 9 side rather than my type 1 side, again since perfectionism can be painted as a caricature at times. But I still read the description for type 1 and it resonated with me. I do have very high standards for myself and I expect the best for myself and the people around me mainly because I want to get the most out of my life. It's the reason why I am so drawn to self development. I want to master myself and my life so that I can live a life well spent. I didn't realize how critical I was I until I started talking about some issues in therapy. There has been multiple sessions where my therapist pointed out how harsh I was with myself, how unforgiving I was, and how sometimes I interpret exercising empathy for myself in order to be more gentle as making excuses and being lazy. I'm seeing these tendencies more and more with the issues I have been having due to school as well as the way that I am trying to fix my diet (I have a whole nother journal about that right here:) For me, perfectionism comes in the form of being very nitpicky. I might have a piece of chocolate which isn't advisable with my health condition and then ruminate on that for a bit because I could have done better. Perfectionism also comes in the form of procrastination. There is a part of me that wants to wait for the best time to do something. Like for example if I intended to start my homework at 5:00 pm and then I look to the clock and I see that it is now 5:03 pm, I'll be like *well I guess I need to wait until its 6:00 pm to get started* instead of just doing my work. And lastly, my perfectionism comes in the form of all or nothing thinking. In a more subtle case, it can be seen when I wake up too late one day and then proceed to see the rest of the day as a waste and do nothing that will be productive in that entire day. In a more extreme case it can be seen in the way that I can isolate myself, especially in dating, because I feel that I need to be the best version of myself and be perfect before putting myself out there. That's a whole thing of it's own and I'm going to do another post on that. But yeah, this year I'm focusing more on being gentle with myself. And to do that I need to address my issues surrounding perfectionism.

The Limitations of the Body Part 2: Dealing with Different Body Structures Another thing that I found to be helpful in developing a healthier body image is figuring out what my body type even was. I'm not talking about whether you are apple shape, pear shape, or hourglass. I feel that the whole fruit system that people made up for female body types is too simplistic and talks more about weight distribution and proportions rather than bone structure and muscle structure. I found the Kibbe body type system some time ago on YouTube and I found that this system is more nuanced. The system also underscores that your weight can fluctuate but you will still have the same structure. I remember talking to a friend about this particular system. We both have similar body types in terms of proportions but we have very different structures and that didn't make sense to us. I always wrote that off as a height thing but then again she is only 2 inches taller than me so in my head I figured there was more to this story so we both took this body type test. This test illuminated a lot of things for me when I first discovered it. It made sense why I always had a rounder, softer appearance regardless of how much I weighed. I am closest to a theatrical romantic body type on this test which means that I have very rounded features but I am slightly narrow. I always thought I looked fat because of how my arms and legs were more rounded out instead of straight and elongated. I can't find any decent diagrams but watching the videos above will make a lot more sense as to what I'm talking about. At one point I was also self conscious about how rounded my shoulders were (its more like example C/D rather than example A on the figure above). After taking this test, it made me think "ok maybe I'm not fat but this is just the way that my body naturally contours." And that gave me a lot of peace. My friend on the other hand is the opposite of my body type. Instead of more rounded features, her features are more long, broad, and elongated. I remember she was talking to me after this test we took together and she mentioned to me how she always felt like she had to lose weight despite more or less having a flat stomach because her waist was more straight (like example B directly above) instead of curving inward (like example D directly above). Again the Kibbe system doesn't have to do with weight rather it has to do with muscle and bone structure so my friend was telling me that her hopes of getting a smaller waist to get that inward rounded contour isn't realistic for her body because she is simply not built like that. She also started talking about how she was always a little jealous about the way my legs looked because they had that rounded silhouette but was also really toned and muscular. I basically explained how it is a combination of my metabolism and my body type. Upon that I also mentioned how I liked how much straighter as opposed to rounded her legs and arms were and how I used to strive for that instead and again it boiled down to a combination of metabolism and body type. And after having that conversation we both came to the conclusion that in regards to way our body looks, it is what it is and just because we don't look like a certain ideal or that our healthy weight looks different from another person doesn't mean that we are doing something wrong, that we aren't "disciplined" enough in our diets or exercise regime, or that there is something wrong with us. Also, my favorite thing about the Kibbe body type system is that there isn't an ideal and that all of the body types are described in a neutral and positive way. I know with the fruit system, the ideal is being an hourglass and if you were say more pair shaped, you would be given fashion advice in regards to how to look more hourglass. I found more videos on the Kibbe body type system in regards to fashion and what I really liked about it, other than the solid advice, was that the advice on what you should wear centered around what brings out your body type and honors it rather than what you should wear to look like a different body type. And I think that is really important from a body image perspective. It goes back to the concept of understanding what makes your body unique and working with that instead of working against it in order to be what you're not. To me it's very important to know where the limits of your body lie. By understanding those limits, you can set yourself free from unrealistic expectation and setting yourself free from unrealistic expectations that you will never reach no matter how hard you try can help you break out a lot of neurosis. Essentially you aren't beating yourself up or getting frustrated trying to smash a square peg into a round hole so to speak. I know that I'll never look like an Kendal Jenner no matter how hard I try. To look like her, I would have to lose 40lbs some how which isn't realistic or healthy considering how easily I gain muscle and how the excess weight I carry isn't body fat. I would also have to remove a rib so that I have a narrower silhouette. I would also have to get a breast reduction since no mater what my weight is my boobs are fairly large. And finally even if I some how managed to do all of that by spending money on plastic surgery and going on a dangerous diet, I would somehow still have to magically grow 8 inches in height. In other words, none of the things I need to do to achieve this look is realistic or feasible and instead of beating myself up for that by going on unhealthy diets, I need to accept the way that I look and try to do what's best for me.

To me all of the stages except blue is comfortable with sex and doesn't think about repressing sex. Red and purple doesn't think about repressing sexuality because they are too impulsive and are too busy seeking pleasure. This impulsivity can come out as violence and complete lack of consideration of any consequences Blue is horrified by this behavior and deems sex as evil. It's important to consider that each higher stage comes from seeing the horrors and limitations from the stage just below it. Orange doesn't see the need to moralize sex and see it as a way to blow a load and move on but they aren't as violent or impulsive as red. Sex isn't necessarily for financial incentives (you can have sex for financial incentives in red or purple for instance to marry higher in your tribe or something but that isn't orange) but sex is transaction, logical, and usually with no strings attached. Because sex isn't moralized, orange is much more sexually free. Blue shames orange and can't differentiate it from red and purple. It is not uncommon for a lower stage to critique a higher stage because they confuse that higher stage with a stage lower than them. Green doesn't moralize sex but rather sees it as emotional and a way of connecting with people. Expressing yourself and connecting with others is good so why would you repress that and deem it a sin. Blue sees this desire to act on emotion as synonymous with being impulsive and destructive like red and purple and like with orange it assumes that green is lower than blue.

Colonization is a huge factor. A lot of cultures used to be much more liberal and open minded when it came to sex but when Europe colonized them, they labeled this sexual openness as barbaric and on par with fucking like animals. This has to do with a lot of moral superiority complexes (in a "I'm rational and not influenced by mere bodily desires" way) along with seeing other cultures and the people who belong to them as subhuman. As @flowboy mentioned, both Japan and India had very open minded views on sex. I'm sure that also rings true with other cultures as well though I am not as well versed in this. I can say some things about India. A lot of the sexual conservatism we see there today has it's root back to the Victorian era when India was colonized. Colonization also made homosexual relationships illegal in India and it was overturned not to long ago in 2018. I remember when India legalized gay relationships, a lot of people were saying along the lines of how this isn't India becoming western and progressive rather this is India slowly decolonizing itself for age old norms implemented by the British. As for Europe and how sexual supression came about there, my hypothesis is that everything was really dirty and you could get infections really easily back in the middle ages and consequently, sex began being viewed as something disgusting. And I highly doubt that contraceptives were available to most people back then. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of notions of cleanliness and purity that is seen from religion takes it's root in the fear of STDs and the church co opted this notion because they have more control over people and because people would listen to them more if say the pope told them to not have sex as opposed to random people in your life.

The Limitations of the Body Part 1: Dealing with Weight and Height I have had issues with my body image since I would say I was around 10 years old. A lot of the contributing factors had to do with cultural standards of beauty and the way my mom modeled "healthy eating" and her relationship with her body. I remember that in the early 2000s, the ideal look for a woman's body was a lot like Paris Hilton, really tall, really skinny, thin eyebrows, blond hair and blue eyes. As a short chubby brown kid, I was the opposite of all of those things and as a result, I was quickly labeled as the ugly kid growing up by other small children mainly because kids at that age are super impressionable to cultural messages and don't have as much critical thinking or life experience to combat unhealthy messages. My mom was always insecure about her size and frequently went on restrictive diets. Those would trickle down to the rest of the household as she would nitpick on any food choice my dad or I made. As I moved into my preteen years, everyone was getting their growth spurt. I remember being really insecure about my height not because I had a problem with being short but because I had this idea that my weight would be better distributed if I was taller. My mom didn't help. She would say that because I'm chubby, I'm not able to grow as tall as my other friends and that I needed to lose weight. Around this time I went through a phase as a still pretty impressionable 13 year old, I really wanted to look like a model. I wanted to be 5'8" and a 110lbs which doesn't make any sense to me now genetically because my mom is 5'2" and my dad is 5'6." But that didn't stop me from trying. This was also during the time Tumblr was really big and had a bunch of toxic thinspo/ pro ana things circulating around. Like I didn't get fully sucked into that but I remember thigh gaps really being a thing and how it was considered attractive to have bones sticking out specifically your collar bone, your rib cage, and your hip bones. And that's when I really started restricting my food. I started cutting out more and more foods and started obsessively counting calories. Luckily I snapped out of that relatively quickly, though those mindsets still trickle into my psyche every now and then. The worst part of me starving myself was that I was essentially congratulated for it. When a really skinny girl gets an eating disorder, people get super concerned and get her help. When a thicker girl gets an eating disorder, people ask her what her secret is for weight loss and tell her she needs to keep going. That's why now when people lose weight, I don't congratulate them or comment on their body because I personally don't know whether this person is implementing healthy habits or if the are coming towards weight loss with a healthy mindset. I remember everyone praising me for how skinny I have gotten. I remember people would come up to me and ask me what I did so they can do the same. I remember when people asked me, I would hesitate because I can't just be like "oh I only eat once a day and limit myself to 500 calories daily, I work out 2 hours a day, and I drink a ton of water so I don't think about my hunger ques." Instead I resorted to a generic answer like healthy eating and keeping track of portion controls. I had a little bit of shame and cognitive dissonance because I knew what I was doing was wrong and shouldn't be perpetuated. Even my primary care physician told me I need to continue whatever I was doing because it's working and that I could stand to still lose 10 more pounds. I believe I was 5'0" tall at this time and weighed 105lbs which would put my BMI at 20.6 and if I was 95lbs it would put me at 18.6 which is the borderline between normal weight and underweight. That's when I really started being skeptical of things and started questioning what is healthy for me personally. I knew that what I was doing wasn't ok or sustainable. Soon I found out that the BMI system isn't the most indicative to a person's health. It just takes the ratio between your weight and your height and because of that it can't take into consideration things related to body composition like muscle mass, water weight, etc. The measurements given by the BMI can be skewed by height so if you're short, you're more likely to have a higher BMI despite being an average weight while if you are tall you are likely to have a lower BMI and be labeled as underweight even if you are in healthy weight. Muscle mass is also something that effects BMI. A lot of people who are athletic and have a lot of muscle mass maybe characterized as overweight even if they are in a weight that is healthy and functional for them. I'm personally short and muscular so the BMI screws me over twice. I'm 5'2" and I have a lot of leg muscles without really working out because of the metabolism I inherited from my dad. That man hasn't done leg day since 1982, sits on the couch all day, is in his 60s but still has ripped legs. For me, it doesn't take me a long time before I start gaining muscle whenever I do something like weight training. Often times when I do gain weight, my clothes stay fitting the same way or sometimes my clothes feel looser because either my body composition (fat to muscle ratio) stays to the same or I end up being more muscular. Knowing this, I rely more on measuring myself since fat does take up more space than muscle even if it does weigh the same. For me personally, the scale isn't helpful and can give misinformation in regards to where I'm at with my health. It also can mess with me mentally to where I put too much emphasis on it and try to lose weight by any means possible causing me to working against my body instead of with it. Gaining weight easily but having it be muscle is how my metabolism works. And realizing that has saved me so much headache in terms of agonizing over the number on the scale. And speaking of family, I'm not big or anything but regardless of my weight, I always have a little bit of stomach fat. I had that little bit of chub for as long as I can remember and it was still there when I was struggling with an eating disorder and had a 23 in waist. And then one time I realized that literally everyone in my family has the same thing including all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins. I have two cousins who have had similar body image issues growing up and still now they work out daily, is basically keto, and tracks macros constantly. But in the end of the day, they agonize over how they don't have a six pack or a flat stomach. I feel that having a flat stomach and wash board abs is not attainable for me genetically because of the way my body stores fat. I still struggle with how insecure I am about my stomach but I try to reassure myself by telling myself that healthy doesn't look the same for everyone. That's a whole other can of worms tbh. But yeah when I catch myself going into a spiral about the way that I look and I get tempted to do something super restrictive, I try to keep in mind my height, metabolism, and the way that my body stores weight.

Fruits I know in general I don't have a lot of fruits in my diet other than banana and avocado. I don't have anything against fruits. I like a lot of them but I simply don't find myself reaching for them but if its around or someone gives me some, I don't mind having them. The only fruits I really don't like are melons and unfortunately, they are always there in a fruit salad when I try to buy them somewhere. I'm thinking of increasing the amount of variety of fruits I eat on a regular basis to have a little bit more variety and also get some more vitamins and minerals in. Some fruits I instantly thought of that I really like watermelon lychees guavas pomegranate strawberries grapes blue berries raspberries and black berries occasionally grape fruit pineapples (especially when paired with meat or something savory) kiwis apples, oranges, and pairs (but not super often, idk why those always feel kind of basic because they seem like they are always there hahahaha) lemons and limes (This is a little weird but I like to eat lemons and limes just straight up. Like if a couple slices are given to me in a dish I could just peel the outer skin and eat it like an orange. Also I really like this in water. I know people pair a lot of fruits with water but to me lemon/ lime water is the only one that does it for me. I don't think it has any special detox properties but it is just really refreshing) And my college did this thing in the dining hall where they would always 2 large pitchers of water on the side with some fruits in it. They had different fruits every day but my favorite ones were the lemon water, the orange water, and the melon water (I know I said I don't like melons but this is the only place where I actually do like it). Idk, ever since I had to move back into my parent's house because of COVID, I haven't had fruity water and I think part of me just misses it. This is a random note but I also find fruit when they are either in desserts or used as decorations for desserts is so beautiful. To me they make sweets more beautiful (and more appetizing to look at/ taste) than any other elaborate design. And I know they always say that you eat with your eyes first. For example the right cake looks prettier and more appetizing than the left one. I guess fruits as part of an aesthetic just scratches that primal nutritional itch that is in the cave man part of my brain in a way. I also went through this phase as a kid where I watched a lot of baking shows where people decorated wedding cakes in really elaborate and over the top ways. Most of those cakes to me were absolutely amazing and too good to eat because they looked like these amazing sculptures and works of art. But for me, if I were to go all out on a cake, I want all the decorations to be fruits and maybe some flowers. Idk to me fruits just look like these pretty little sparkly jewels I guess because of the vibrant colors. But I don't like fruit when it's directly baked into a cake like Christmas fruit cake. I like it more paired with an airy yet squishy sponge cake or a chocolate cake. Something like the picture below honestly so beautiful to me. I just want to dig in. And I'm not normally like that when it comes to cake. And speaking of desserts and fruits, I always wanted to get one of those edible arrangements where they get you a bouquet of fruits. I might just get myself one of these for Valentines day if I get too impatient in waiting for a relationship. But I normally just stick to chocolate covered strawberries since those tend to be less expensive. I didn't intend for this post to go this direction. I was going to just going to talk about how I want to add more fruits to my every day diet but I got side tracked and I am just having fun at this point. And I think that is very important. I know in a lot of circles that emphasize diet and healthy eating, people harp on this idea of how "food is fuel." I agree with that statement especially when it comes to becoming more mindful of the kinds of foods you eat so you pick options that are more nutrient dense. But as with a lot of things, sometimes I feel that the whole "food is fuel" mentality can go too far in the other direction where people just stop having fun with food. I know I have talked about this elsewhere on my journal but it eventually leads to seeing eating healthy as a chore that you need to do instead of something that can be enjoyed. And in the worst case scenarios, it can lead people to being really strict with themselves and being restrictive to whatever goal they have in mind which isn't sustainable because that can strain a healthy relationship with food and focus too much on the outcome rather than the journey which then in turn can sabotage the creation of healthy habits in the first place.

I'm probably going to take a break from doing these food diary entries for like a week. I'm catching myself get nitpicky on this journey that is intended on improvement over time. Being too rigid and perfectionistic is often a problem for me when it comes to developing a healthy relationship with food. And in order to create healthy habits around food, it's important to go in with the correct mindset as the foundation.

@Husseinisdoingfine The only reason why the fascists and the white supremacists can storm the capitol and get this far is because they are for Trump, Trump is president, and America is more okay with this than leftism. If this was a bunch of leftists or POC, everyone would be dead by now.

That's not what embracing your feminine side is about lmao. It's about being empathetic, gentle, kind, and doing small gestures to show that you care. It's about showing emotional intelligence and being able to be vulnerable / open about your emotions instead of letting toxic masculinity get to you. Those things can help you be more relatable and warm romantically speaking.

This isn't really a "serious emotional problem" but I didn't know where else to put it. This year things have been really rough on my family. We don't really celebrate Christmas like that but I wanted to get my parents something small just to show my appreciation. There is this thing that my dad said he liked and thought was interesting but he never got around buying for a number of years. It wasn't expensive and since I have a small budget I decided to get this for him. My parents gave me some money so that I can buy something nice for myself but since I didn't really want anything for Christmas I decided to spend that money on gifts for them. When I got him this thing he laughed and said "what a waste of money, what made you think I would want something like this?" I told him my reasoning and he basically said it was stupid and to just give it to my mom instead because it is a waste. I know things are really rough on him right now financially because he took a large cut in income and socially since we know a lot of people who lost their lives to COVID but I really wanted to do something small to cheer him up a little. I'm planning on asking him what he would want instead, return what I originally got him and get him something else. I walked away from him for a couple hours and just cried. It isn't that he didn't like it, we all get gifts we don't like sometimes, but because of his attitude. It still makes me really sad thinking about it tbh. This is super small but I don't know why this is bothering me so much. I would really like some insight so I can get over this.

1/4/2020 Food Diary Seriously.... I don't know what it was about the Chipotle veggie bowl but I woke up feeling TERRIBLE this morning. It was the same feelings of lethargy, tiredness, bulkiness, and bloating I felt last night. There was a little bit of nausea thrown into the mix as well. I skipped breakfast because I didn't feel good. I wanted to skip lunch but I decided against it because my body still needs some type of food to function throughout the day. I felt much better after having brunch and a bowl movement (sorry I know tmi), but I still felt drowsy and tired throughout the entire day. Brunch: Spinach and banana smoothie: This has a banana, some unsweetened peanut butter, unsweetened almond milk, a little bit of vanilla extract, and a whole lot of spinach. I didn't feel like eating breakfast or lunch but because I figured I needed something in my body, I decided to opt for a smoothie. That way I could get some food in even though I don't feel like eating solid food. It tasted really sweet despite it not having any sugar because of the banana. Really all you can taste is the banana, the milk, and a little bit of the peanut butter. I added two handfuls of spinach into the mix but in this smoothie, you don't taste the spinach. It just gives it a nice rich green color and some more nutrition. Snack: Chocolate: I did my chocolate haul that I explained in my last post in this journal. I bought all of the chocolate and had a small amount of each. I had one piece of the Mounds bar (so half of it), a few of the chocolate pomegranates, one chocolate orange slice, and half of a square of the Ghirardelli raspberry chocolate. I was going to have the whole square but I didn't feel like it tbh. The Mounds bar was ok. I normally like coconut in sweet things but with chocolate it wasn't all that. The raspberry chocolate was also alright. I think I like raspberry and chocolate together in a cake rather than in chocolate. The chocolate pomegranates were amazing as was the chocolate orange slice. I really liked those two. Dinner: Kale Salad: In this salad I had kale, spinach, romaine lettuce, artichoke and spinach hummus, olives, tomatoes, green onion, flax seeds, bell peppers, tahini, avocado, balsamic vinegar, a couple slices of dried tomatoes, and a very small amount of the green goddess dressing I saved from yesterday. I felt much better after having this salad and a little bit like my usual self. I can see myself feeling better and back to normal by tomorrow. Snack: Egg muffin with spinach, kale, bell peppers, onions, and turkey: I was getting really bad sugar and carb cravings after dinner. It didn't feel like my usual cravings I get now a days when I simply want something sweet. Then I realized that I had no protein today so I popped an egg muffin in the toaster to heat it up and ate that. And as I thought, it helped me satiate my cravings. I noticed that when I get a good amount of fat and proteins, I don't get as many cravings.

Dark chocolate is my go to when I'm having cravings. I absolutely hate white chocolate. Milk chocolate is okay imo. I will eat milk chocolate, but to me it's nothing too special. After watching this, now I'm going to only go with dark chocolate. I'm not here for fake chocolate lmaooooo

Chocolate Haul I am going to try to get over my chocolate cravings. Upon cleaning up my diet I noticed that my sugar cravings, and really cravings in general really decreased. But do still crave chocolate. It's the only food that I really crave. I thought I had a problem with having too much sugar in my diet and then upon doing these regular food diary entries, I realized that I don't have a sugar problem rather I specifically have a chocolate problem. Most of the time when I have something sweet, there is chocolate involved. So I'm hypothesizing that if I take care of my chocolate cravings, I won't really have any problems with sugar like at all. Now, how am I going about this? I did a chocolate haul of sorts where I bought my favorite chocolate and created a small stockpile. When people think of getting over an addiction when it comes to food, people usually think along the lines of getting rid of the food entirely so that it is out of sight and out of mind. In my experience that works in certain circumstances when the reason for the cravings is familiarity. Like in many areas of life, we are attracted to not things that are necessarily healthy for us but things that seem familiar. Therefore once you get rid of the familiarity by distancing yourself from said food, you stop craving it. This method has worked for me in the past with foods like bread, pizza, fried foods, soda, and more. But it didn't work with some foods, namely cheese, chocolate, and ice cream. I felt like I was always craving cheese and chocolate. I also found an alternative way to deal with cravings that don't involve cutting out the food in question. This alternative way involves eating the food you crave until you reach a point where you get tired of it, the food loses it's novelty, and you don't crave it because it doesn't feel special to you anymore. Often times in the beginning this seems like self sabotage because it's like you let yourself go all out with the food you're "not supposed to be eating." You end up shaming yourself and feeling bad which then feeds into the novelty of the food even more because it gets branded as a "guilty pleasure" of sorts. But if you keep eating without judging yourself while being mindful of how the food in question affects you physically, eventually, you're naturally going to want to stop without having to force yourself to stop. That's what I did to cheese and ice cream and now I don't crave them anymore. I still let myself eat these foods every now and then but because the craving aspect isn't there any more, I'm much more in charge of portion sizes because I don't feel this need to binge anymore. I don't feel the need to binge or stockpile anymore because I'm out of the scarcity and restrictive mindset that was creating the novelty factor. I don't judge myself for eating these foods and when I occasionally have a craving, it takes a much smaller amount to satisfy those cravings. Before if I was craving cheese for example, I would have a huge bowl of mac and cheese and if I was craving ice cream for example, I would have a three scoop banana split. Now when I do crave cheese, I'm satisfied with a small square of cheese just to scratch the itch. And when I crave ice cream, I find myself satisfied by eating like half a scoop. I'm trying to do the same method with chocolate, hence why I did a whole chocolate haul. Me going on this chocolate haul isn't one big binge. There is a method to this madness lol. I got one of each of these. Here is the stuff I bought: dark chocolate orange: Since the holidays are done, these oranges are like half off so I got one of those. Dark chocolate pomegranate: I tried the blueberry version of this last month and I loved it but I also wanted to try this out as well Mounds: These are these coconut candies that are covered in dark chocolate. I haven't had these in like a year so I thought I'd get one bar. Each bar has two pieces. Ghirardelli dark chocolate raspberry: These are these dark chocolate squares with raspberry filling. I never had these and I was simply intrigued since I do like raspberry filling and chocolate together. So yeah, I'm going to eat these until my chocolate cravings more or less go away. Given the state of my chocolate cravings, it's unlikely I'll go all out and binge on it right away. Even after I bought it, I didn't have this immediate impulse to just dig in which I noted because prior to my diet change I would have really gone all out and ate most of it by now. I can see myself having like a piece or two every day to every other day or so. I know earlier in this journal when I was trying to get rid of regular bread and cream cheese from my diet completely I would have one slice of French bread with a little bit of cream cheese to get rid of the cravings and within a couple weeks or so, those cravings were completely gone. I can see my chocolate cravings following a similar trajectory.

I just wanted to say I really liked this insight

1/3/2020 Food Diary Ok so today is a bit of a weird day. My dad wanted to take us on a road trip of sorts because he is tired of being stuck in the house all the time so we spent the day on the road, driving for 8 hours, for a total of 600 miles only to come back home at the end of the night. So as a result we had most of our meals outside the house. While eating out isn't a habit of mine, I guess today's entry will shed light on what my preferences for eating out is like. Since I did a lot of eating outside, I'm going to provide the nutritional information I found on each of the things I ordered from the websites of their respective restaurants. Breakfast: 1 banana with peanut butter and cinnamon: We left in the morning but I wanted to get in a quick but very filling breakfast in so that there is one less meal for me to worry about and because I didn't know when we were going to stop for food. I also added some flax seeds since I was sure that I wouldn't get those in any other way. Snack: 3 jalapeno poppers: I got these at Jack in the Box. My parents went through the drive through so they can get breakfast. They kept insisting I get something so I got these jalapeno poppers. They are basically 3 jalapenos that are deep fried and filled with cheese and served with a side of ranch. I haven't had something fried to this extent in a while so I thought why not. Plus it's only 3 small jalapenos so I thought it couldn't hurt. (I know the formatting for the nutrition facts are awful on the jack in the box website. The first image is just to show what the colors mean while the second image has the nutrition facts of what I actually got. The 3 jalapenos I got are is the top row on the second image. I highlighted the numbers.) Lunch: Green Goddess Cob Salad: I got this at Panera bread. It was really good. I only used about half of the dressing that I got (given that the nutrition facts on the site may be a little off since it assumes you used all of the dressing). I'm not sure what was in the dressing but it paired well with the salad which had arugula, romaine, kale, 1 hard boiled egg, chicken, pickled red onion, cherry tomatoes, and avocado. I don't know what it is about salads in restaurants, but to me they always taste better. I thought before maybe it's the dressing but this time I didn't use much of the dressing the gave me. Maybe for this particular salad it's the chicken and the pickled onions. I normally don't add meat to salads at home so there is that. The pickled onions was a nice touch tbh. I really enjoyed that. Dinner: Chipotle Veggie Bowl: On this veggie bowl I got what I normally get from Chipotle which includes a small amount of rice, fresh salsa, guacamole, black beans, fajita vegetables, and a small amount of tomato red chili salsa. This was super filling. This order used to be my go to but if I'm going to be honest, I felt awful after eating this. I felt really bulky, bloated, and lethargic. I felt so tired and sleepy after eating to where I almost didn't write this post. I don't know what it was. I mainly got vegetables. I didn't get a lot of rice but I think that might be the culprit. I haven't had rice in a long time and I guess I always felt this way when I ate rice but I didn't realize it until now because I before I didn't have a period of not eating rice to know better. I had to recheck if rice was gluten free which it is, but I guess I still don't get a good reaction from it. I checked the mirror a couple hours after eating and I immediately broke out so there's that. Over all, probably won't go here for a while. Also their website has a place where you can create your own bowl and check the nutrition on that so I just reentered everything I got and this is what nutritional information they spit out:

God dammit I'm so close. I just want clear skin ???

Small Appetite I am looking at my food diary entry for today and some entries from other days and idk why but it doesn't seem like a lot of food to me. I'm pretty full throughout the day and my portion sizes aren't necessarily huge but part of me wonders, am I eating enough? I guess one of the reasons why I might feel this way is because I don't feel bloated anymore after I eat. I remember before I would feel really full after 2 slices of regular bread to where I felt like I had a food baby, but ever since I cut out gluten, I don't get that reaction anymore. Once I cut out gluten, after my meals I felt full and satisfied but my stomach didn't feel cartoonishly huge if that makes sense. I had to get used to that full yet not bloated feeling and have an eye out for that in order to stop eating because for the longest time I associated feeling bloated with being full. I think that bloated feeling and how I interpreted it for fullness in the past may be the reason why I in a way accustomed my body to get by on less food and therefore unintentionally train myself to have a smaller appetite because I was regularly not eating enough thinking I was full. It might also be how I have been conditioned to think that I don't need that much calories to function. Maybe my perception of how much I don't eat is influenced by how often I don't snack anymore? I used to be a huge snacker who craved food constantly before I made these changes. Or maybe I have this perception in my head of how it's normal to eat a lot of food because the portion sizes in the US are so big to where I can't finish them most of the time? Idk I'm a little confused tbh. I'm still figuring all of this out and that's ok.

1/2/2021 Food Diary I was greeted with a nice juicy pimple this morning from the flatbread I had yesterday. That type of thing definitely gives me negative reinforcement for my unhealthy habits pretty instantaneously. Breakfast: 1 egg with avocado on a gluten free toast with some flax seeds: I was thinking of finishing the egg muffins I had but I really wanted something that tasted fresher so I made a fresh egg, over hard as usual, this morning. I also mashed up some avocados, mixed it with some balsamic vinegar and basil, and put that on a gluten free toast. I feel like I haven't had this breakfast in a while. I'm thinking of eventually doing without the toast in the future, but I'm just trying to use up whatever is in my fridge for now. Lunch: Chicken curry and cauliflower rice: This was the same curry my mom made a week ago or so. I had some cauliflower rice with it which was previously stir fried with bell peppers and onions. I still need to learn how to make this from my mom but I do know that she uses good whole ingredients. Over all, pretty satisfying. Dinner: Zucchini noodles: These zucchini noodles are accompanied by broccoli, shredded carrots, onions, garlic, mushrooms, and bell peppers. I sautéed them in olive oil and added red pepper powder as well as some onion powder. I also added a couple spoonfuls of flaxseeds for an extra crunch.