soos_mite_ah

Shame I have had a lot of shame built up in me in the last few years. I'm going to list somethings I'm currently ashamed of out as an effort to reflect so that I can make an effort to work through it. my grades and performance in school my lack of direction when it comes to what I want to pursue as a career or how to get into grad school my lack of social life my weird hobbies that often involve self development and spirituality how I feel like the trauma aged me how I have been in hermit mode working on myself how I'm taking time off of college to work on my mental health therefore making me graduate a year late not meeting my own potential/ feeling like a blob of wasted potential the fact that I'm on antidepressants my neurosis since I base my self worth on my well being some of the fantasies I want to fulfill in a relationship what I have to say (sometimes I wonder if what I have to say has any value at all) how I have been taking things slow/ not performing like I used to- it makes me feel like I peaked in high school. (I remember in high school I juggled a sport, get straight A's in honor's courses and community college classes, two volunteer jobs, an internship, extra curricular activities, and still had 80% of my energy left that I used to work on myself and my emotional traumas. Now, I can't even get straight A's in college and I have to keep a close eye on my mental health.) questioning my sexual orientation my physical health and how that has impacted the way I look any amount of social awkwardness

2/1/2021 Daily Check In For breakfast I had two slices of gluten free toast with some cream cheese along with an egg with a side of raspberries. My energy has been pretty good. However, I did give into my sugar cravings today. I had one soda and a little bit of honey on a banana. Don't know why I had this craving but yeah that happened. I don't think this is a regular thing that I need to be worried about but it's still nevertheless good to be mindful.

@Thought Art Feeling a compulsion to do something because of neurotic reasons and not being able to stop

1/31/2020 Daily Check In Didn't have breakfast today. Had trouble getting out of bed because I didn't sleep well last night due to nightmares. I have this temptation in regards to whether I stay in bed or eat breakfast but the temptation to stay in bed overrided my general will power. My energy levels though have been pretty good so there is that.

In these last couple days, I realized that there are likely things that I'm missing from my perspective when it comes to understanding pick up. I believe one of my main weaknesses is differentiating the types of pick up (after all learning=making distinctions). I know that when to comes to attraction and developing confidence there are healthy ways to go about it and there are very devilish and manipulative ways as well. Same with pick up. I'm going to explain my point of view and why pick up does trigger me to a certain extent. This is to show people where I'm coming from but also to identify places where I might have blockages, limiting beliefs, and resistance towards the subject. Sometimes you need to know where you stand in order to know which way to go. Here are my experiences with men and why I see red flags in pick up. I'm not saying every woman has this same experience, but it wouldn't be surprising if many of them could see themselves in my situation. Which is why I think it's a good idea of why women are typically resistant to the idea of pick up which can give some people insight for it's limitations. I have had grown men stare at my tits since I was 13 years old. I have been cat called numerous times, and I will say that in none of those instances did I feel safe much less complimented. Having a man who is a foot taller than me tell me that I'm sexy and that I have nice tits randomly in the middle of the night at a gas station is what can give me nightmares. I get being confident and being assertive when it comes to women and going up to a woman you find attractive and tell her that you think she is beautiful or that she has pretty eyes. That has happened to me before and I never felt uncomfortable from those instances. In fact I felt very flattered. What differentiates these two circumstances is that in one circumstance it was purely out of selfish intent and objectification while the other is lead with empathy. Yes in both cases there was a clear expression of I'm attracted to you but I will say that from a woman's point of view, she will have two completely different reactions to these two approaches. To me this expresses the difference between aggression and assertiveness. When I see men being told to be more aggressive towards women, I immediately think of the former instances. There is nothing wrong with being confident, humorous, or out going, and developing those qualities if you think it's going to make you more successful with women but there is a huge difference in regards to how those manifest whether it is in a aggressive way or an assertive way. Also being encouraged to be more dominant can get lumped into aggression rather than assertiveness because of the way women have been treated throughout history as those who need to be subservient to a man. Being dominant in the bedroom is perfectly fine and understandable if that is what you're into but feeling this need to be dominant in a social setting can set off red flags for women. Being dominant can also be interpreted as a disregard to boundaries and being viewed as prey when it isn't executed properly. That can have all type of negative perceptions in the eyes of women and negative consequences for her which I'm going to go into next. Next, I'm going to be talking about being viewed as prey. Most men don't have this experience, especially a regular occurrence of this experience. Again, like many women, I have been seen in a sexual light since I was a very young age. When I was 16 years old I had instances where grown men who are much older than me flirt with me even after I told them I wasn't interested and I was underage. To them, it didn't matter that I wasn't even a legal adult. If anything, to them it was part of my appeal. I've also had men who tried to push my boundaries or get mad at my boundaries. There has been instances where I told a guy that I wasn't interested or that I was busy and he tried to change my mind so I would go out with him or sleep with him. The initial approach might have been fine, but pushing me to do something is when it dipped into creepy territory. Sometimes when I can tell a guy is being too pushy with me, I resort to telling him I'm gay so I can get the hell away from him because like most women, I don't find being pressured as feeling safe. But even then, sometimes guy see it as "oh but I can change your mind, you just haven't had my dick before." Imagine if a gay man told you that after you told him you were straight. The cops would have been called on him. And sometimes in these instances, women are afraid of saying no because sometimes when w e do, we get yelled at an harassed. Some of these women simply don't have a backbone to speak up when they feel uncomfortable and some of them get into situations where they are scared shitless and comply with a man against her own best interests. While I can't relate, I can empathize with that. One time I was on a first date and it didn't feel natural to kiss the guy I was on the date with and I told him that. When I said, I don't want to kiss you right now, this man lost it, yelled at me and told me I was a whore. I got the hell away from this guy. So when I hear this language of women being referred to as rabbits or fish when people say "don't ask a rabbit how to hunt" or "don't ask a fish how to catch them" I think that the person saying that right now sees women as prey to be hunted and conquered rather than human beings to be understood and to connect with and I think that this person sees themselves as a hunter of sorts (again goes back to aggression vs. assertive). Whenever I hear things along the lines of "she wants it but she doesn't know it yet" or "women don't know what they want" while I get that we can have a bias when it comes to attraction, it can come off as if you're saying women don't know where her boundaries lie and if you manipulate her in the right way, you can get what you want from her. And finally, I'm going to talk about the whole concept of asking for it. Whenever a woman wears something that shows even a little bit of skin, often times men see it as an invitation for catcalling and all sorts of creepy behavior. I have had my ass grabbed in public by men I have never even talked to. I have had men look at me as if I'm a piece of meat when I was talking to them because they can't help but look at my boobs instead of my face. And in many of these instances, people automatically assumed it's my fault for provoking these men based on what I was wearing. What I was wearing is not relevant because women get treated this way whether they are covered head to tow in a burka or they are wearing a crop top and some shorts. The common denominator is men who objectify women. I understand that if you are at the club, women are more likely to probably want something sexual because of the context and setting. But even then, you need to treat a woman with respect. Dragging her away (emotionally speaking) from her friends when she clearly still wants to be with them or when she is saying that she has to go to work and can't come by your hotel room is manipulation and pressurization and in some cases can border on assault. Again often times women are conditioned to be nice and passive, even in situation where we are not comfortable because standing up for yourself is seen as being bitchy and uptight. Women can choose to sleep around, she can choose to remain celibate til marriage, or anything else in between. That's up to her and any of those things are fine. But pressurizing a woman to do something other wise in either direction, whether it is remaining "pure" or getting her to sleep around, is out of line and makes women uncomfortable. And often times when we are referring to manipulation, we are referring to this type of pressurization, not the way you do your hair or the way you present yourself in order to feel more confident. Presenting yourself in the best light to where you feel good about yourself is normal and encouraged when dating, but that's not what women are referring to when we mean manipulation. This video is also pretty on point with a lot of the things I have been talking about plus more. I'm just expanding on the part where Leo talks about the female perspective and agenda by showing what that means for a lot of women. I know this was super long and I hope that people can get a better idea of where many women are coming from and why pick up triggers them. I tried to be as detailed as possible so people know exactly what I'm talking about but even then, I still have more experiences and instances that I can talk about in similar depth. As long as this post is, it's only but the surface of the bs that I, and many women, had to deal with men.

Bump

1/30/2021 Daily Check In For breakfast I had a spinach and banana smoothie along with an egg. I didn't want to have breakfast today and wanted to sleep more and since I wasn't that hungry I had more of an incentive to stay in bed but I dragged myself out of bed anyway. I'm pretty sure that's one of the main reasons why I have this habit tbh. Overall my day went pretty well. I don't have much to add.

@Preety_IndiaWhat would be stage green fascism? Stage green appears very anti fascist.

Flaws I haven't been posting on this journal much because a lot of what creates joy for me right now is learning about food and fixing my diet. I have a separate journal dedicated to that and I have been putting most of my efforts there. I found a thread that was talking about what our biggest flaws were. It was talking about in the context of this forum but I began thinking of my flaws in general. I thought I would journal about it and that I would reflect on the ways I can deal with it or accept my flaws in order to cultivate more joy in my life. I lack gentleness with myself and can be hypercritical. This is in a variety of areas in my life and it stops me from being disciplined. I base my worth on my ability to function, the quality of my consciousness, and my mental health to where I think it's a failure or I think I'm a fuck up if I'm not doing to well emotionally. So it's like I feel bad emotionally and then I beat myself up for feeling bad, making myself feel worse and the cycle continues. I carry a lot of shame in regards to where I'm at with my life currently. I hate how I'm not in college right now because of medical and mental health issues and I hate how I'm on anti depressants. I feel like a failure because of that, a complete mess. I can be really distant with friends and I tend to isolate myself when I'm going through something because I feel like there is something wrong with me. There is a part of me that feels as if I'm unworthy of connection whether it be with friends, family, and romantic partners. I feel like I have to work on myself constantly. I am extremely choosy when it comes to dating. I also tend to date with a scarcity mindset where I go in with the intention of screening a guy instead of connecting with him. I'm a procrastinator especially because of my perfectionistic tendencies. I lack a clear vision in regards to what I want to do with my life and where I want to go with my career. As a result, I don't fully embody my values. I also tend to demonize capitalism because of my stage green tendencies and then get into a fatalistic spiral. I'm having issues with dealing with the pandemic because of the way it's impacting my family. I tend to be reactive with my family and I feel like I'm still 14 around them. I have body image issues which then translates to eating issues. I hate some things in regards to my body. I don't like how I still have break outs. I don't like how my stomach isn't flat and how I have a little chub around the edges no matter what I do to my diet or exercise routine. I don't have many friends and I need to involve myself in my hobbies more.

Same I think my biggest problem is that when I reply to a thread or write a post in my journal, I tend to have very long responses. It's because I want to be thorough and explain my ideas but I'm afraid that makes me annoying and difficult to connect to since most people probably don't want to read a super detailed response. I'm quiet irl but I'm afraid that I'm too talkative here. Perhaps this is a matter of insecurity and perhaps instead that is my flaw. Also, speaking as a woman, the dating section sometimes triggers me (I'm mainly talking about the stuff that has a little red pill sprinkled in). I try to stay away from it so that I'm not super reactive but sometimes it gets the best of me. I'm trying to get better at it though.

My doctor recommended that I take birth control to regulate my PCOS. I'm already doing the diet and life style route as of right now and although I have seen some progress, I have yet to have all of my physical, external symptoms disappear. I understand that taking the diet and life style rout might take some time and trial and error and I'm willing to go through that in order to cultivate healthy habits independent of my PCOS, but I'm also thinking about adding the birth control to the mix. Yet on the other hand I have heard that birth control can mess up your hormones even more in some cases and of course there are the side effects. I'm nervous to try it because there is this level of uncertainty involved as I have never taken medications that impacted me on the hormonal level and because I'm new to birth control.

1/28/2021 Daily Check In *Just realized that I accidentally put in 2020 instead of 2021 for the date on the last post lol. Ate pretty well today. For breakfast I had 2 slices of gluten free toast, an avocado, eggs, and some fruit. Energy levels dipped at around 2 but immediately after I ate I felt much better. Today was pretty good over all. The only thing that deviated was this chicken sandwich I had from the drive through. I was on a drive and I got really thirsty so I decided to pull up at McDonalds for some water and thought might as well also get something to eat. I haven't had their spicy chicken sandwich since I don't even know when. It's been years tbh. I'm not super big on chicken sandwiches but when I do crave something, I tend to be a bit of a fast food snob where I still try to eat healthy and I end up spending a little bit more money. Like I have this tendency where I will only have burgers from In n Out or a restaurant because the burgers in other fast food places taste too greasy and just not right. I'm the same way with Cane's chicken and I also tend to gravitate towards places like Panera bread which is more expensive than say McDonalds. It's just that I don't eat out super often so when I do have the urge, I want to indulge in something that tastes good instead of something that tastes fake lol. I honestly forgot how the chicken sandwich was only $1. I remember as a kid this was my absolute favorite sandwich so there is a bit of nostalgia tied to it. I took one bite and it wasn't bad but it wasn't AMAZING. I think I just liked this as a kid because I didn't know much else tbh. I finished the sandwich and I caught myself feeling slightly sluggish for the rest of the day. That's why I typically avoid most fast food (and if I find myself in a position to have some I tend to lean towards a lot of vegetables or a salad since there is little you can do to mess that up) because even though in the moment everything might taste fine (but not amazing), I do feel off afterwards since I 'm used to eating a certain way on a regular basis. And to me, that off feeling is enough to make me not want to get hooked to it. 1/29/2021 Daily Check In I didn't feel like eating breakfast so I only had a slice of toast with some peanut butter. I tried to make up for it later on in between breakfast and lunch by eating a few snacks like a banana, some cereal, and some nuts, just so I can get my calories in for the day and so I wouldn't be fatigued. I also caught myself having some light chocolate cravings. Other than that, today went by pretty smoothly. I was also expecting to break out from the chicken sandwich yesterday because the bread was most definitely not gluten free and the whole thing was processed but my skin didn't act up. Something like this also happened before and I'm starting to think that I can have gluten and dairy in small amounts granted I still eat enough for the rest of the day. I know that PCOS insulin resistance can get triggered because of gluten and dairy. Normally, I know my PCOS is getting triggered by the way that I break out. I think that sensitivity is exacerbated when I'm not getting enough calories since going too low on calories for the day can cause the release of stress hormones (because the body thinks you're starving) which then causes the PCOS to act up.

I want to figure out some type of trajectory in the next year or so because I'm going to be graduating college and I need to know my next steps. In both times, it took me a month and a half. I was doing about 2-3 videos a day and a book per week. I did a lot of life purpose related work prior to finding this course such as evaluating my values, figuring out my interests, finding my strengths etc. on my own as I was having a regular existential crisis therefore contemplating regularly about what I wanted to do with my life all throughout high school. There were some flaws with the way I was looking at the situation and I did have some limiting beliefs but the life purpose course sorted a lot of that out the first time around.

@Preety_India writing and traveling not higher or lower by any means. It's just that I was more attracted to manifesting my life purpose in that way when I was at a certain point in my life and then I became attracted to a different thing when I moved into a different point in my life.

1/27/2020 Daily Check In I did have breakfast today. I had a bowl of cheerios with some almond milk, some blackberries, and an egg. I remember I used to always think that making breakfast takes a long time but now that I got used to it and it's a part of my routine, it feels quicker, as if because it's a habit I go into autopilot and don't realize how long or short it's taking. Still feel like I have to force myself to eat breakfast because I don't feel hungry in the morning. But I'm starting to notice that this constant fullness feeling is starting to wane a little bit and I'm starting to get my normal appetite back. What I'm eating right now doesn't feel like a huge amount of food like it did a few weeks back. I have been feeling more focused and energetic today. Didn't have any amount of drowsiness at all. But I did feel my chocolate cravings come up but I didn't really fulfill them since I don't have anything in the house at the moment.

Ok I got around to watching this video as well as the one with James Marshall speaking on how to be a man (not sure if that video was on this thread or if I found it on a different one) They are both really good videos and I feel like I got a good idea on the whole topic of pick up, especially healthy examples of it. I'm going to be honest, I was really hesitant about starting this thread. As some people know I started right after another dumpster fire thread lol. I was nervous about this turning into another flame war and I did my best to be open minded and keep things diplomatic by putting my impulses to the side. I wanted to see what my blind spots were, if there as any information I was missing, and be exposed to another perspective. I think on my behalf, lack of information was a huge thing because the view I had of pick up was mainly the red pill, manipulation pick up when really pick up exists on a spectrum. And I feel like I came out with a little bit more understanding.

Someone in the comments section said "Imagine being able to rule a country and have anything you ever wanted. Only to get killed by your crippling addiction to cheese" and that killed me lmao

Some videos I found entertaining

1/26/2021 Daily Check In Today I woke up feeling tired because I took some melatonin last night since I couldn't sleep. My tiredness was just the effects of the melatonin still lingering. I made myself breakfast even though I didn't feel like it as usual. Today I had two slices of toast with some dairy free cream cheese, a banana with some peanut butter, and a handful of raspberries. I normally don't have cream cheese but I noticed that the avocados I had in the fridge were hard as rocks and still no where near ripe so I thought I'd buy some cream cheese for the mean time. I decided to have my raspberries to get my fruits in and I had the banana so that I can get some more food since I was too lazy to make myself eggs. I felt pretty energized throughout the day. No tired feelings mid day or anything of that sort. My mood has also been keeping up well. My only complaint I guess is that my period is supposed to be here but it isn't so idk what is happening. I think it might be because I wasn't eating enough calories for a couple weeks earlier this month and my body interpreted that as a stressor along with me eating chocolate. Those are my guesses. Because other than that, I have been for the most part gluten and dairy free.

I want a kid in the future may be 10+ years down the line but the idea of being pregnant, giving birth, and then recovering from the whole thing scares tf out of me. Maybe I'll settle for adoption who knows.

@somegirl I'm pretty sure it takes some time for the body to recover from pregnancy since it's a whole thing but that time differs from woman to woman. Then again I can't say much about it since I have never been in that position.

The chemical aspect is definitely there. Numerous factors can be at play. In that conversation I was mainly trying to see it from social standpoint. And yeah I have heard of some girls pulling that type of thing only to get hurt themselves. It's messed up. You can't fuck someone into liking you or change their intentions in regards to what they want for themselves romantically. I think this desire to get someone to like you or commit to you comes from a scarcity mindset from both genders because if you had an abundance mindset, you would just go and find someone who actually likes you. That makes sense. Huh interesting. Yeah I can see this being a huge factor. I feel that porn is the main problem as opposed to masturbation. For some people, masturbation can be a way to get to know your body and a way to get in touch with your desires more if in the past you didn't do that or you were repressed in any way. That's why at first glance I thought *huh, wtf is this nofap thing about????* @peqkno I'll check on the video a little later because it is pretty long

I was talking about this with a friend a couple months back. We were talking about why some of fwb relationships don't work and why there is often one party that gets attached. Part of it I think has to do with either not knowing what you want or not being honest with what you want. There are people who believe that being in a fwb will eventually lead to developing feelings because of how physical you are, but I feel that instead of developing feelings, the relationship unveils repressed desires which are then projected to whomever you were having a fwb relationship with regardless of who that person is. For example, a lot of girls get attached to a guy in a fwb relationship because deep down inside they didn't know that a committed relationship was what they wanted either because they were told that in order to be "cool" you needed to be hooking up with people and be ok with getting less than what you want. Boundaries you ask? No you don't want to communicate that openly, then you'll look crazy. When it comes to sexuality, sometimes it's difficult for women to figure out what they want for themselves because you get shamed either way. You get shamed for being prude and uptight if you are just looking for a long term relationship and you get shamed for being a slut for wanting to sleep around. The amount of judgement that's there can cloud your own authenticity. For guys who get attached to a fwb when they weren't being honest with what they want, a lot of it I think can boil down to toxic masculinity. You aren't supposed to want to have a monogamous relationship and tie yourself down. Are you crazy? You're supposed to want to fuck as many girls as possible or else you're not a real man. Just in general, men have a lot of issues with developing close relationships with their friends compared to friendships around women. Because as a man, you aren't supposed to get emotional and be vulnerable with what's going on with you even if you are around friends. That also trickles into the romantic field where you are expected to be stoic instead of building a connection with a woman. So then the guy resorts to being emotionally unavailable and the mask sometimes slips off when they get attached for whatever reason. And then there is people of both genders who feel the need to mask their need for intimate emotional connection with a lot of sex with multiple partners because being vulnerable and emotional is generally seen as a weakness and as an embarrassment. Goes back to the whole toxic masculinity thing and how femininity and traits associated with femininity tends to be degraded and shamed. Just out of curiosity, what do you think about this take? Also with the whole no fap thing, I get a strong suspicion that it is placebo in a lot of cases. But I do think it can be helpful for people who are trying to build up their self discipline muscle or people who are trying to get over a porn addiction. I guess for some people who masturbate for unhealthy reasons, masturbating and watching porn can carry this notion that sex isn't actually for you but it's for the people on the screen. Or it can be a distraction for some people from getting their lives together. I guess like with all things self help, it depends on the person and their situation when it comes to what kind of solution will work for them.

@Preety_India Lets see: Irregular and skipped periods Really painful cycles Hair loss Fatigue Extreme cravings (though I'm pretty sure I had these before the PCOS) Acne Weight gain/ difficult losing weight Messed up sleep schedule Messed up metabolism (though my metabolism has been messed up for a variety of other reasons) Hair growing in weird places Anxiety Depression Also when I get stressed, I have a lot of physical manifestations of it which include the worsening of the above Weird blood test results because of my liver I have dealt with most of these so far but I'm still dealing with acne, hair growing in weird places, irregular cycles, difficulty losing weight, messed up metabolism, anxiety and depression. All of these have gotten better but they aren't gone yet.

@mandyjw I bought her book Women's Bodies Women's Wisdom. I found her perspective really interesting and to a certain extent I could relate to the emotional causes of PCOS that she described. Prior to buying this book, I was already doing that type of healing work so I decided to continue what I was doing. My health has been all over the place so I decided to focus my extra attention to reducing stress and calming tf down. I just watched this video right now and so far I have cleaned up my regular diet for my PCOS. I cut out gluten and dairy since those can make insulin resistance worse. I couldn't fully cut out bread. Tried it didn't really work for me personally. Now I'm mainly working on getting my metabolism back on track by eating breakfast more regularly as well as ensuring I eat enough. I guess I could also maybe look into some herbs. Not sure where to start though Over all at this point, I feel like I'm managing my PCOS. A lot of my symptoms have reduced but they aren't gone yet. Part of me wants to wait a little longer to see if it will take another couple months for all my new habits to pay off or to just take the chance with the birth control.