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Turning Competence into an Identity Part 3: My Relationship with Actualized.org Another key component to my issues with competence involve my not so great relationship with self development. Because of my childhood experiences, I came at self development from the angle of "there is something wrong with me, I need to fix it in order to be worthy of connection." I have journaled about that at length sometime much earlier in my journal. I've been trying to integrate the notion that I am worthy and that self development won't make me a better person because whether or not you are developed has nothing to do with your worth. You were worthy in the begining, you are worthy now, and you will be just as worthy in the future. I would say that I get an immense amount of value from Actualized.org. But in this post I'm going to be talking about the downsides for me personally. I find some material here rather extreme and not suitable for many people who need to go through basic self development first. Giving a depressed person the insight that you are nothing or a narcissist that you are god will do much more harm than good. I got that vibe from the first video I saw. I was going through my minimalism phase back in 2018 when I came across Leo. I was looking to declutter only to find god lol. There are lots of good insights here including slowing down to be more present, have a fewer number of priorities, making free time to think, prioritizing fulfillment over success, and being ok with the stillness of life instead of constantly doing things and being busy etc. The part that concerned me from the beginning was minimizing hobbies, socialization, relationships with people, doing activities with people, and just not having a life because they are all distractions. I'm pretty sure that people can take this all the way to the extreme and get the opposite effects. I did get fulfillment from implementing this type of life style. I have lived this way since late 2018. But now, I feel like it's not what I need anymore. I'm not in that phase of my life any more. Now it is becoming more of a hinderance. For the average person, telling them to leave their hobbies and close relationships sounds awfully cult like and isolating because the things that ground you aren't there. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for prioritizing quality over quantity when it comes to those thing but for many people, going all the way down to zero like that can breed stagnation or wouldn't be healthy at all. That's kind of the over all trend I see with a lot of Leo's videos. Mostly amazing stuff, but there is some things you want to be careful with and test out instead of diving in head first without contemplating and thinking for yourself whether or not that's a good decision. For me, I grew attached to detachment. I started detaching from a lot of things I liked and cared about, things that brought me fulfillment, personality traits, as well as tastes and preferences. I even went as far as to detach from a lot of my needs and some of my boundaries. To me all of these were survival and ego. On the plus side, it got rid of a lot of my happiness bottlenecks, it made me more flexible in my self concept, it made me more openminded, and it helped me get a good idea what I was doing out of distraction and what I was doing because I actually enjoy it. On the negative, I lost sight of who I was. I know people on this site might think it was a good thing but for me it was like I turned into a blob, like I didn't care about anything anymore, like I didn't have something grounding me. It really hit me when I was in the height of my ego backlash a few months back and my friend I called was like "I don't think you know who you are anymore" when I started talking about feeling like a blob and how I really isolated myself to where I wasn't acknowledging my social and emotional needs. The place where I went to far was detaching from my personality, my tastes, my needs, and my boundaries. Why was I so attached to detachment? Well, for me, the more I can minimize my needs and wants, the more competent I was. This goes along with the whole notion of self development making you a better person. This whole thing created a spiritual ego. It made me let go of things that spark joy (hobbies, quality relationships), things that ensure I'm emotionally and mentally secure (boundaries and needs), and my individuality (personality). I'm pretty sure some of it also turned into shadows because I let go of things prior to fully exhausting them. The more conscious I was, again the more competent I was. I kept hearing things like "everything is survival" and "we're all devils" without the warning of *hey there might be false equivalencies when we talk about the relative and the absolute* I'm not saying these things are false but I am saying that even if you understand this intellectually, you might not be emotionally ready to integrate it fully and if you rush that process, you could get repercussions. Especially when it comes to boundaries and needs, constantly thinking about how it's all survival , how it's all low consciousness, and how it's all selfish. Seeing those things in a negative light can be gaslighting to people who don't have a strong ego yet. That really rings true as someone with a spiritual ego. My spiritual ego beats me up for not being super peaceful and joyous even though the world around me is in chaos and it's understandable that I feel that way. It also roots back to my childhood and how I was expected to be happy all the time. I have this tendency of basing my worth on my emotional state. That isn't healthy and has led to problems recently which I'll get to on the next part. I still feel like I'm in this ego backlash state and I don't think I'm in the place for advanced teachings at this moment because I need to meet my needs, not transcend them. Right now that means being gentle with myself and validating my needs and feelings. Before transcending the ego it's important to built a strong, healthy ego. It's important to pace yourself and take breaks on this actualization journey. But I felt this need to rush because I tied my level of actualization to my worth and I wanted to be worthy as soon as possible. Here are more of my thoughts about survival and selfishness: I'm planning on taking a break from Leo's videos and the forum for a few months. I'm still going to be journaling and commenting occasionally but it's going to be at a minimum. I have mentioned this before and I'll say it again. I'm burnt out from actualizing and continuing without a break isn't good for me at the moment.

@Haumea2018 yeah because it was in the interest of millions of working class people to vote for trump because his policies will help them and their quality of life instead of funneling more wealth to the top Some people dont vote for their interests. They vote for the candidate that will make life a living hell for the demographics they hate because their priorities are messed up. Age doesnt determine wisdom but it can point to experience which can be linked to wisdom. But then again, there are experienced fools who simply dont learn.

Turning Competence into an Identity Part 2: "Having My Life Together" Eventually after doing years of self actualization work and a year or so in therapy, I did get to a better place emotionally. For a few months, I felt empty. I know that has a bad connotation but in reality it was really peaceful. Like I really got rid of a lot of gunk in my life and now I'm a blank slate. I could be whomever I want to be. I cleared out a lot of my trauma and now I can build a more authentic identity, an identity that isn't rooted in pain or chaos. I did notice at one point after I realized a lot of things that I considered me shed off of me like a snake shedding dead skin. Prior to all this work I had a really chaotic and pessimistic sense of humor, and angry sense of music, a life purpose that came out of pain, taste in friendships that weren't exactly the healthiest etc. A lot of things that used to resonate with me just don't anymore even though I do have an appreciation of where I came from. But little did I know, I swung the pendulum too far in the other direction. My identity was no longer around dysfunction rather it was now around competence. The best place where this identity around competence was embodied was when I found this one YouTuber. I'm not going to name her because she's kind of a mess now and I do have some shame around being a follower at one point lol. She used to give life advice on how to deal with dating, setting boundaries with friends and family, body confidence, career advice, and confidence in general. Looking back I could say that I learned a lot but this source was a mixed bag. I didn't agree with everything she said and sometimes things would rub me the wrong way but when I would look at the comments, they would be overwhelmingly positive. I figured she deleted negative comments but something felt off. There was a part of me that felt gaslighted. What was being gaslighted? She had some racist undertones in the way she talked about certain people. I could see she had a bias. She also had this huge bias against mental health. She labelled anxiety as being people being self centered and weak and how the disorder was over diagnosed. She talked about how depression should be something you're ashamed of because she was and how reaching out for help makes you look vulnerable and like you have a victim mentality. She also recommended that if you are depressed, you just aren't grateful enough so you need to guilt trip yourself into positivity and gratitude by making yourself volunteer. Nothing wrong with volunteering, the way she was approaching it set off alarm bells. There were some other things that were sketchy but I honestly wrote it off as entertainment value and didn't buy one moment of it. I brushed all of this off because I was getting a lot of good advice and I didn't want to throw the baby out with the bath water so to say. But even though she did have a lot of good advice in her earlier videos, she devolved into a really bitter and toxic person to where I felt the need to walk away. I watched her content for a solid year and then I stopped. And even though I didn't agree with a lot of the harmful stuff she said, it did have an emotional impact on me. I always had some issue with vulnerability because my parents would always dismiss me when I was having unpleasant emotions or they would yell at me and say something along the lines of "what happened to our happy little girl? why are you doing this to us? Do you want us to be in pain?" I was expected to by happy all the time and any need I had was too much. That seed was already planted but this youtuber just watered that seed. After my new found peace and competence, I ended up defining myself based on how I over came my trauma and how I did it myself. I know getting through something difficult and coming out of the other side is something to be proud of, but like I said, I swung the pendulum to the other side. I had this notion in me that I didn't need anyone and that gave me issues with my friendships. I was taking to a friend a couple months back and she mentioned that I put a quota on my friendships after I told her that if I had an issue, I had this rule with myself that I can only ask for help three times and that's it. The rest is up to me and my ability to cope whether it be alone or with a therapist. I was concerned with victim mentality. I was concerned with being toxic for mentioning my problems too much because I didn't want to be the one that ruined a good time. It had to do with my parents telling me I was the bad guy for feeling what I felt and then having this youtuber double down on that by shaming people who had mental illness by painting all of them as toxic monsters. This youtuber also talked a lot about dating advice and how to avoid men who aren't good for you, what are the warning signs, and how to attract higher quality men. Most of it was good advice but again, it was mixed in with some sketchy aspects as well. I feel like I watched too many of those videos and absorbed too many women's dating horror stories to where I'm really guarded around men. Don't get me wrong, screening is important but when it gets to the point where you get really cynical about dating, start adopting a scarcity mindset around the availability of good men, and get scared to open up and be vulnerable for the fear of a guy emotionally taking advantage of you, it can get a bit much. I have already talked at length about my desire for "feminine containment" and being vulnerable with a guy who I think will treat me gently and have competence. I judge men on how competent they are but it isn't as harshly as I judge my own competence.

@Leo Gura What do you think about being careful of saying things like all survival is selfish and whether or not someone is ready for that type of insight or whether it would send them into a self destructive spiral? How careful do people need to be when taking in this type of knowledge considering the type repercussion they may face?

I watched the interview and apparently, people were concerned about the baby's skin color and then late on they switched up the rules out of nowhere to say the baby wouldn't be considered a prince therefore meaning the baby wouldn't get security. These rules weren't there for the other children born in the royal family so i wonder what could be different this time around smh. It wasn't so much of the title as it was about what it meant which is a sense of safety for the kid. Considering the way Meghan was unfairly scrutinized in the press and the amount of hate she got for her race, if anything, that baby would have needed more security, not less. Plus, having the only baby to have POC genes and royal blood not having a title like everyone else is sus. Especially considering the context of traditionalism that is upheld in that circle. Considering all of those things, I wouldn't be surprised if most of it was race related. I'm unsure where the power dynamic element would come in because it looks worse to not give the baby a title. Also, he's a baby.... In the interview she mentioned that she wasn't given much preparation or knowledge compared to other people who joined the royal family from the outside like Kate. I'm sure in addition to her being American, an actress, a divorcee, race is also a very important factor contributing to the snobbery though it isn't the only one. Symbolic acceptance =/= actual acceptance. Sure that's what was broadcasted but that wasn't what was actually going on systemically. Then there is the whole thing of the royal institution not doing anything to defend Megan from the blatantly racist things she was facing and even going as far as blocking her access to mental health care when she was having suicidal thoughts. She was at the point where she felt that she was hated just for existing. I don't know much about how the royal institution works but that whole thing pretty messed up.

Also another thing that I think is important to be mindful of is the effect that telling people that their needs, boundaries, and any amount of self care is selfish because those things are survival. A lot of people don't have strong enough healthy egos to advocate for themselves therefore causing them to be taken advantage of and get into nasty situations. I think someone would have to be in the right place mentally to be able to take the notion that everything they do is for survival/selfish reasons and not turn it into something dangerous and self deprecating. That type of assumption can be very shame inducing. It's not necessarily if the teaching is right or wrong rather it is about how you apply and take in that teaching. There are some insights that you have to be ready for. That's why it's so important to not rush self development. You need to have a solid foundation for meta teachings or else you're going misinterpret it and get disastrous consequences and zen devilry. It's the whole thing with having a strong ego vs. transcending an ego. You have to have the strong ego in the first place before you go try transcending. @Preety_India you're good lol I figured you were joking.

I might be missing the meta point but I mean that seems like a rather extreme example. And by that example, wouldn't literally anything, including breathing, be selfish? Then what would love/ selflessness be? I understand selfishness/survival can be a more crude form of love and in that way all of it is one, but where do we draw the line when it comes to living our lives in the relative? Or I guess the line is completely arbitrary depending our level in consciousness and our desire to live in the relative is also survival I don't know, at that point, the meaning of selfishness would just turn into a blob without much meaning lol

I'm willing to bet that you have some survival desires and needs. And that's perfectly ok. Unless we're perfectly ok with throwing ourselves off a cliff tomorrow because it truly doesn't matter if we life or die, I think it's safe to say that we all have some type of survival instinct or agenda. Even then, some people see survival in death or in not playing this game because it preserves the idea of them. If we didn't have any survival instincts, we wouldn't even physically be here. There wouldn't be a point to do anything. We wouldn't want to do anything.

You can also make the argument that the lack of abundance is an illusion because of hoarding wealth and the interests of groups that employ survival in an unhealthy manner. We have plenty of resources, a lot of it is in the matter or distributing it effectively. That's why I mentioned fixing the problem. While everyone is out for their own survival, people, even what we perceive as the worst of them, aren't inherently selfish. There is only so much you can do when you are put in a situation and a system that incentivizes unethical behavior and doesn't give you an alternative.

Also, in regards to relationships, I know it's best to get your needs met individually as much as possible in order to avoid codependence, but like with most things, can't people take that too far to the point where they have issues with being vulnerable and/or emotionally unavailable since they resorted to minimizing their needs as much as possible instead of meeting them in a constructive way. Like it's good to meet your own needs but just because you can meet your own needs doesn't mean that it would be bad if you let people help out. It could be a way of bringing immense value into your life even if the whole concept of needs is fundamentally survival based.

Ok and what would we even do in that situation? Even if I give up my hospital bed to the next person and people keep doing that to each other, that won't fix the problem. The issue is more so systemic rather than a matter of conscious individual choice. Brings me back to this point: Saying we are unconscious or that we are selfish because we are presented with a situation with limited options, all of which don't do much to produce win win situations can very easily lead to essentialism which then in turn makes us not want to system in the first place. After all, what's the point of fixing a system if all humans are inherently selfish and evil. The reason why I mention evil is not because I think survival is evil, but because I think a lot of people here tend to go in the train of thought where survival > selfishness > unconscious > bad/evil which then leads to a spiritual ego. I did explain an example of healthy emotional survival but emotional survival can be just as ruthless. Just think of all of the manipulative people who have this psychological need to get their egos stroked by exploiting others because they have a gaping hole when it comes to their need for acceptance for example. There are versions of emotional /physical /mental /spiritual survival that are constructive, destructive, and everything in between. It's important to differentiate those things instead of lumping them into one term.

For instance, recognizing your emotional needs and finding ways to meet them consciously, setting boundaries to ensure that you don't get into unhealthy situations that jeopardize your physical and emotional health, and finding a really grounding and conscious life purpose are all forms of survival yet they aren't selfish. Those are some examples. I get what you're talking about. The whole concept of no ethical consumption under capitalism. I know people tend to have a commodified view of self care being face masks and bath bombs, but it isn't limited to those things. Can we build more ethical systems so that we can meet our own needs without harming others, absolutely. But shaming ourselves in the meantime isn't going to get us anywhere. Plus not all competition is inherently bad or ruthless. Can it bring out ugly sides to people, absolutely, but that isn't the whole story. For example when setting boundaries, lets say you're in a conversation with a troll and this conversation isn't going anywhere and is driving you insane. You could set a boundary to quit engaging. That is survival because you're advocating for your self interest and mental health. It might look like a losing situation for the troll who on the surface wants someone to keep engaging because they get validation from the attention and controversy they are sparking. But in the long run, it helps the troll because you setting that boundary sends the message that this type of behavior unacceptable. If that happens enough times socially, they'll see it as a survival mechanism to adjust themselves in order to keep associating with others. You can also replace troll with small child throwing a tantrum as well lol.

I wasn't trying to create that perception and I apologize if it came off that way. It wasn't my intention to idealize survival. Survival can be pretty gruesome but it doesn't have to be taken to that extremes. Not every act of survival is part of some zero sum game with a winner or loser. A lot of survival can be self care. My point is that survival can be a blanket statement for a lot of things, many of which are just fine or even healthy. We can't see survival as some monolith in black and white terms where you are selfish or selfless with nothing in between.

Yeah, I'm trying to challenge that view of survival. I feel like survival often gets a bad connotation on this forum and gets painted as not conscious. Everything that you mentioned as being harmonious you can argue has to do with survival because you are doing those things for your benefit and so you aren't going to die before your time, physically or emotionally. And of course you can survive without harming other things. You can have symbiotic, win win, reciprocal relationships that takes the needs and the consent of multiple parties into consideration in order to create a situation that best serves everyone. I started thinking about this more after I looked into the dating section of this forum. I get the impression that a lot of people have a very cynical view of dating and relationships and write it off as "it's all survival" without differentiating between types of survival or seeing survival as a constructive thing that can aid growth. Instead, I sense this undertone of survival being this thing that only those with low consciousness seek after. If anything, survival can be one of the biggest motivators of growth. When you realize the limitations of one system and way of thinking, it is in you best survival interests to expand further into a better system or way of thinking. Sometimes you need your ass to catch on fire to realize you need to move forward instead of sitting and stagnating in the same place all your life. Of course that isn't the ideal model of growth but if one subconsciously does a cost benefit analysis, they might come to the conclusion that what they are doing isn't working and that they need to do better. Or they might feel fearful of changing causing their survival instincts go into self preservation mode and cause them to stay in a bad situation or worse they might backslide. Again, not the best model since growth, stagnation, or backlashes are all possible survival instincts in a difficult situation. Ideally, you would want to learn before you get put in a difficult situation and before your survival instincts play wheel of fortune on your prospects of growing as a person.

Interfere with other peoples agency to pursue happiness as well as their own survival through manipulation, degradation, deception, physically, emotionally, and mentally harming others, etc.

I don't think Leo, or just a man in general, is the best person to answer that question That's like me defining what it means to be a man. Sure I might have some ideas but ultimately, it isn't my place to say because of my lack of experience.

Turning Competence into an Identity Part 1: The Desire to "Get My Life Together" This series is going to be all over the place because there are so many intersections between different issues in my life. I feel like my issues with competence as an identity is the linchpin to a lot of problems. There are so many layers and contributing factors to this so there's a lot to unpack. I really got into self development back when I turned 16. My 16th birthday marked me being depressed and anxious for half my life because of my household. I wanted to die because I'm like, the majority of my life is just pain, what's left to look forward to. I mean, it's never going to get better." But I decided to try to get better anyway. I researched the best ways to deal with my anxiety and depression and later on I made an effort to understand the abuse that happened to me as well as how that has impacted me and my mental state. I know plenty of people who didn't unpack their trauma from their childhood only to suffer more consequences when they grew up. My childhood was a mess and I didn't want my adulthood to be the same. So I made it a priority to clear out any trauma I had, build a solid life for myself etc. I also had anxiety with turning 18 and being considered an adult. I felt like I had this pressure on me to have everything figured out from where I was going to school, what I was going to study, what kind of job and life style I wanted to lead, etc. There is a variety of factors that went into this anxiety: Firstly, you have my parents and the whole model minority myth. I feel like in brown communities, people scrutinize your every move and you can'td make a mistake without being judged by an army of uncles and aunties. Even if that mistake didn't hurt anyone and is just a part of the learning process into becoming a more developed person, the community won't see that and will basically hold it against you for god knows how long. There is a this emphasis of saving face. There was no "learn by making your own mistakes." Instead I got the message that if I mess up, my life is basically ruined. Instead there was a lot of shame and a lot of "what will people say?" Next, I experienced the death of someone close to me. My grandmother passed away in February 2016. While I wasn't close with her, she did live with my and my parents so when she died, there was this constant reminder of her not being there anymore. I also don't have family in the U.S. other than my parents so essentially when she died, it was like losing a third of my family. While the grief did eventually pass, for me, the bigger issue was the existential crisis. I'm not that good with dealing with death. I especially wasn't good at that back then because of limited life experience and a lack of tools from my parents of how to deal with difficult emotions. Being confronted with death, as cliché as it may be, made me reevaluate my life and what I wanted to do. I wanted to make sure that I had a solid life plan and a solid set of values so that I wouldn't put myself in a position where I feel like I'm regretting or wasting my life in misery. I try to be very well thought out when it comes to life decisions. Then finally, you have late capitalism. I'm sure I have touched on this in previous posts in this journal. I'm probably going to go into talking about my anxiety about finances and money in a different post after I'm done with this series. The whole notion that at 18 I have to make the decision to go to college and go into debt or not go to college and settle for a low paying job that won't let me live a decent quality of life (and by decent quality of life I mean one without financial struggle) hung over me growing up. In my mind, I had to get straight A's, got to an amazing school with a good scholarship, network my ass off when I'm there, and be this super powered machine that doesn't get tired or have emotions in order to not go into poverty. I can't mess up or else I'm going to be financially ruined, won't have a home, or won't be able to go to the doctor when I'm sick because of a lack of health care. I remember calculating what the standard of living I wanted to achieve was going to cost so that I could take that into consideration, along with my skills, interests, values, and goals in life in order to decide on a career path. I also taught myself basic financial literacy and how to do my taxes. Mind you, this was all when I was 16. I feel kind of bad for my 16 year old self for feeling so pressed about the future and resorting to all this ruminating and researching that was largely fueled by anxiety. 16 year old me saw that the system wasn't working but still wanted to do everything in her power to build the foundation to one day live a life of peace and fulfillment. I found my tumblr account from like 2017 and I was expecting it to be cringe from where I am at now, but instead I saw a lot of cynicism because of the 2016 election and Charlottesville, anxieties around racism/fascism, and a lot of liberal naiveite. I didn't understand the complexity of the systems I was upset about but looking back, I had a valid reason to be angsty. I wish I felt like I could make mistakes when I was younger. Sure I'm glad that in my anxiety fueled madness I compelled myself to figure my life out, but I wish that I could have been more carefree and more self assured that everything was going to be ok. I wish that I could have that attitude now. I'm working on it.

The Illusion of Memory I had a dream last night where I was searching for a nose ring. I was 26 years old and living in my own apartment. I was feeling really nostalgic and I wanted to recreate a look from my teens. I drove to my parents house and dug through my things. Everything looks very futuristic. It was like a mix between the aesthetics of Tron Legacy and Meet the Robinsons (now that I think about it a lot of my dreams have a futuristic aesthetic, I wonder what that might mean). But while I was in this dream, I didn't think anything of it. This was my reality in this state of consciousness. My parents' house in my dream and my parents' house in real life look very different but I wasn't aware of that when I was in this dream. I dug through old makeup palettes and started thinking of all of the memories I had of giving my friends makeovers and how I was really into costume design. I was looking for this nose ring because it felt so quintessential to my teenage years. As I searched for this nose ring I started thinking of how I spontaneously decided to get my nose pierced when I was hanging out with my friends, how my family was generally supportive of this decision and thought I looked badass. Then, when I found the nose ring, I tried to put it on. There was a hole in my nose to where I could do that but it was difficult because it closed up a little from me not wearing nose rings all the time any more. Then I woke up. I still remember the dream clearly to where I can point out not only what I saw and experienced in my dream but also what my thoughts and feelings were amidst the dream. The memories I talked about were all an illusion. In my real life none of those things happened. I was never into makeup, my parents house looks completely different, I sure as hell don't have a nose piercing, and if I got one spontaneously (which I know I wouldn't do because I'm scared of sharp things) my parents wouldn't have been supportive. But when I was in this dream, all of these memories felt so natural, so real. I have encountered this idea of our memories being an illusion in other places. In spiritual topics, there is this concept of all memories and future planning being an illusion because the only thing that exists is the present. The rest is simply your imagination and you telling stories about yourself to preserve the idea that there is a you. In psychology I learned about how the brain can distort memories for self interest, how false memories can be implanted through manipulation, and how memories can erode with time because when we remember something, we don't remember the actual thing rather we think back to the last time we thought about such a thing. There was also the concept of how we don't remember things as they happened rather we only remember them as they relate to us. So in other words, intellectually I came to the conclusion that it's important to be critical of your own experiences because the way we perceive and remember direct experiences can be skewed even when they feel so real. But emotionally, I guess it didn't click until this morning when I woke up. My "dream reality" and my "real reality" feel much more subjective, much more illusory. The lines have blurred for me. This was an interesting experience. I guess I'm going to go and have an existential crisis now

Awareness

@Leo Gura I think in situations like this it is crucial to mind the context of the situation and whether we are talking in the absolute sense or relative sense. In the absolute sense, survival is survival. But in the relative sense, there is a lot of degrees that need to be considered. I'm pretty sure you already know this. But some people on this forum will take that as a blanket statement and run with it without looking at context and nuance. That's my concern because that can lead to some nasty results for both men and women.

Videos That Spark Joy

Like @Forestluv said it wouldnt be the same type of trauma. Degree of extremity of trauma is important to take into consideration. And with the movie example, when you are watching a movie, you know it's fake. But I dont think you can say the same thing if you witnessed a rape in real life. It's not going to be the same type of trauma as if you were the person being raped but even witnessing that is going to mess you up. There are a variety of factors that would have to be considered to determine how much one could distance themselves from that experience ranging from the age you witnessed the traumatic event as well as your relationship to the person directly suffering the trauma.

I like this metaphor. I honestly feel similarly when I'm in this section of the forum.

Dating Cynicism I really crave and want a guy who will be emotionally available, supportive, gentle, and all around just not an asshole. And sometimes I feel like I'm asking for too much because the men around me are absolute messes. The bar is on the floor. I try to avoid the dating and relationship section because for some reason this site attracts a bunch of insecure and misogynistic "nice guys." It just makes me feel cynical about dating. Like, damn.... this is the pool I'm dealing with. Sometimes I hate that I have the audacity to be romantically attracted to a man. And in addition to being tired of dating because of the priorities I had growing up, on second thought, I don't think I get tired of dating because I lack discipline and grit rather I get tired of dating because I have to exert emotional labor into screening guys to make sure they aren't trash. There is a thread on this site that I contributed to recently and initially started with a few women talking about a Teal Swan video and how they felt it represented what a woman wants in a relationship. That thread devolved into a "nice guy" fiasco and strayed far from the original topic. I will admit that I had a hand in this because of a few salty comments. But I just felt exhausted at the end of that conversation. As of now, the topic is still open but I decided to not read anymore or comment because I'm just done. There is also a variety of men on this site from a range of ages. I always naively believed in middle school and high school that once I grow up, the men around me will mature and I'll find some decent options. I was told that I'll have a better time dating when I get older. Nah, men are immature and misogynistic throughout all ages. Some of them simply don't grow up. As much as I want to be in a loving and supporting relationship, I'm so tired of screening guys only to find that they ain't shit. I'm tired of dealing with the bs that men spout out especially on the topic of female sexuality. I hate being mansplained on my own tastes and experiences as a woman. I wish men were decent so I wouldn't have to put in all this effort into screening to ensure that I don't end up in the claws of someone who will mistreat me. I hate feeling like I have to be on guard like this because all I wanted was to surrender and feel safe in the first place.