soos_mite_ah

You'd be surprised by the amount of men who dont know and/or dont care and the amount of women who have mediocre to unsatisfactory sex because of it.

The Original To Do List I will update this list, cross things out I've worked through, write entries according to this list. When I finish around 75% of the items on this list (so about 27 items) , I will compile a new one. The items may be vague but details are in my main journal. I like to think of this list as the stuff I'm ~~~***manifesting***~~~ Gain clarity about career/life purpose Retake the life purpose course Get an internship Achieve financial freedom Move out of my parents’ house Cultivate a clear vision (main character energy) Stop demonizing capitalism Stop procrastinating Be gentle with yourself Create more discipline through empathy Heal issues around competence and perfectionistic tendencies Treat yourself and feel comfortable with spending money on yourself Don’t compare yourself to others Work through shame Heal body image issues Do fun self care things like taking a bath, face masks, etc. Build your social life Make friends and get into a short term relationship Deal with social anxiety Stop seeing yourself as weird, inherently unlovable, and unworthy of connections Stop feeling like you have to be 100% perfect in order to be loved Deal with the fear of running out of things to say Get comfortable with public speaking and having the spotlight (main character energy) Get out more, go to a few parties, go to a rave Shadow work Deal with your issues around competence Step into your main character energy by: Romanticizing your life by being gentle with yourself Having a clear vision and purpose Having a social life and getting rid of social anxiety Creating more confidence Deal with spiritual ego Take a break from spiritual content and connect back with your material self Integrate basic bitch energy and stop thinking you’re weird Get out of your head and stop hyper analyzing

Letting Myself Be Human I've been taking a break from self actualization work and letting myself indulge in more petty things and petty conversations. It has felt really restful and I feel a lot more grounded and like myself.

Media Consumption Analysis: Femininity and Feminism in the Early 2000s Now that I'm in my early 20s, I'm in a life transition stage of sorts where I'm going through the mental and emotional equivalent of physical puberty where instead of my body changing and being a hormonal angsty mess, now my thoughts, values, and life circumstances are all growth and contorting in weird ways that's causing a lot of confusion and angst. I think that's why young people tend to get nostalgic over their childhoods when things were simpler and since young people define pop culture, that's why you have trends return every 20 or so years. I was going through my usual nostalgia playlist and then I suddenly remembered this music video existing. I didn't grow up as a huge fan of P!nk. I remembered that I liked a couple songs by her and that's about it. But the thing with this video is that I think it's a very interesting snapshot of the times. This song came out in 2006. and won the the MTV Video Music Award. I don't have any problems with the message this song is trying to convey which is that women shouldn't feel obligated by society to conform to some ideal in order to appeal to men and give up their dreams, ambitions, and aspirations. But the way this message was conveyed aged HORRIBLY. I'm going to go chronologically because there is a lot to unpack. So first we have the title Stupid Girls. Given the message on how it's about women feeling the obligation to act a type of way, are we really in the right place to judge them for doing what they have been socially conditioned. Shouldn't be critique the patriarchial systems in place that create these behaviors than blame women for all of this? In 0:29 the song goes "what happened to the dream of the girl president? She's dancing in the video next to 50 cent." I mean, I don't see why you can't do both. Like if that sparks joy and feels authentic to you, go for it. The only way that wouldn't be possible is if we slut shame women and make it a reason why she isn't fit for office. Like dancing? Oh god no she was DANCING!!! This also makes me think of Republicans who leaked that video of AOC dancing to shame her. Sure she wasn't twerking and throwing it back for rapper but even if she was, that's not nearly as bad as what some white men get away with *cough* Bret Kavanaugh*cough* I'm posting the video because it sparks joy and it made me like AOC more lol. Any way back to "Stupid Girls" Starting from 0:41 the lyrics are "where oh where have the smart people gone, oh where oh were could they be." Then it moves into the chorus which is "Maybe if I act like that, that guy would call me back, I don't wanna be a stupid girl." The video has P!nk getting a bad spray tan and making fun of the early 2000s trend of having tiny dogs and basically parodying Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, and the "it girls" of the time. That's all fine and well, there were some ridiculous trends from back then all of which are pretty memeable but my problem is assuming people are stupid because of that or assuming they all do it for male attention. If that doesn't feel authentic to you by no means do it to please others. But liking these things shouldn't make you someone people take you less seriously. In 0:50, 0:57-59 you have a girl with huge boobs wearing a tank top and bowling. She's jumping up and down and she seems happy about something. P!nk's character is looking at her with envy and disgust. Given the lyrics being played at this scene, we're supposed to think that this girl is dressing for men and that she is some type of stupid slut. My thing is that she can wear what she wants if it makes her feel comfortable. It's not something that revolves around men. And as someone who has a larger chest, I can feel for this girl. If your boobs are that big, it's going to be hard to find ANYTHING that will cover you up completely and be cute. Growing up I felt this need to do the Billy Eilish and wear oversized clothes so that I wouldn't have people look at me as a piece of meat or have people assume that I'm promisors or any other negative stereotype. As I got older, I stopped caring and I wore things that I liked more instead of wearing to avoid judgment. If P!nk's character has her insecurities ruffled up that's her problem and she should ask what industries and what social structures and trends are causing this than project by calling this random girl who is just living her life stupid. There is also a similar thing that happens when P!nk's character is at the gym working out and is next to another woman who is framed to be prettier and have bigger boobs (2:19-2:23, 2:52-2:54). Then there is some guy who talks to the other girl (honestly he just looks like a personal trainer trying to give advice doesn't look like he is even into this girl in that way) and P!nk's character feels the need to physically compete with this woman by stripping down and going faster on the tread mill because she feels insecure and like she needs to prove something. First of all the zoom in on this random girl's boobs as if it's her main defining characteristic is weird. Again, she's smiling and looks chill about the whole thing as if she's just minding her own business and then made friendly eye contact with the person next to her. There is nothing malicious there. Then when P!nk inevitably makes a fool out of her self by being a clown (because competing with other women to be better than them reeks insecurity and is clown shit), the girl starts laughing at her The first time I saw this video as a 10 year old, I thought it was like she was a mean girl who is making fun of P!nk (after all she is one of the "stupid girls"). Now looking at it, the girl looks like she is nervous laughing, or laughing because the whole situation was so ridiculous. I'm sure if something like this would happen irl a person would probably laugh and be like "hey I'm sorry for laughing but are you ok?" Like this girl doesn't seem like a bad person even though she is framed as such by the song and the lyrics. Then around 2:00 there is a scene where one of the "stupid girls" is obsessing over being skinny and going to throw in the bathroom. This was a very weird scene because on one hand it is trying to address the impossibly skinny standard of beauty in the early 2000s and how it leads to eating disorders. But on the other hand, the whole song is parodying the trends of the era and making fun of the women who participated in those trends. And eating disorders aren't a laughing matter and we shouldn't degrade people who have gone through that type of thing and shame them. The whole scene was gross and potentially triggering. They even showed someone's barf on there which was nasty. The scene also paints a very stereotypical image of a person with an eating disorder and what those people are like. It's a no for me. Around you have someone doing an explicit music video and another person doing a sex tape from 2:30-3:00. I don't think it's right to degrade sex workers or people who want to show of their bodies. They aren't lesser for doing so. When you listen to it with the lyrics it pushes the idea that these women are stupid. And yeah I don't think it's healthy to do these things solely for a guy or for male attention, but I think it's more important to critique the mindset and the way you're going about it rather than critiquing the face value which is difficult to do in a music video. There is also a part in the song where the lyrics go "I'm so glad that I'll never fit in. That will never be me. Outcasts and girls with ambition. That's what I wanna see (Come on)" And I think that sums up the whole "Im not like other girls vibe" of this song and video. I don't see a shortage of ambition in women but I do see systemic issues that prevent women from actualizing their ambition. Just because you fit in with whatever is popular doesn't mean that you lack ambition or that you have no depth. It's just an unfair generalization for a large group of people who all live different, complex, and nuanced lives. Then there is this sense of superiority that comes in which just isn't cute. Screams internalized misogyny. And I think the video shows a lot of my views around feminism when I was around 8-12 years old. There were some traditionally feminine things that didn't resonate with me at the time and I thought that the expectation for boys and girls to act a certain way was damaging and dumb. I also liked the idea of equality and women having more freedom. But around this time, I did build up this "I'm not like other girls" identity and it came from not wanting to be this caricature of femininity that is reduced down to boob and makeup. I didn't want to be viewed in that light. I didn't want to be one of the "stupid girls." Even though this music video alone didn't cause this phenomenon for so many women, I think it's a good reflection of a lot of views towards women and what is considered empowering from that time. It's one of those things that you watch years later and thing "oh that's how my personality was created back then. This explains a lot. YIKES" An alternative to this video I would say is the movie Legally Blonde. The first time I watched this movie at 12 I thought this movie was a movie about a dumb blonde who somehow got to Harvard and solved a case by luck. The whole movie and the message went over my head. Then I watched it again at 18 and had a whole different view on it. I realized that if your first impression of Elle was that she was dumb, frivolous, and lacking in depth, YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM. The people around her all view Elle in that light because they don't see a traditionally feminine person as someone to take seriously. She went through a lot of sexist bs from everyone from her parents, her peers at law school, and the creepy professor that sexually assaulted her. There was no evidence in the movie of her being dumb. First of all she graduated from UCLA with a 4.0. That's impressive considering how hard UCLA is to get into much less get perfect grades in. She has leadership ability and connections as the president of her sorority. All of this was established really early on in the movie especially in the scene where she is dress shopping with her friends and one of the sales associates tried to con her assuming Elle was stupid. Elle shuts this lady down, sees through the con, and remembers really small details. It is established that Elle has what it takes to excel in law school. There was also no evidence in the movie of Elle being a stereotypical mean girl. She is sweet, kind, compassionate, and nonjudgmental towards the people around her, even those who were wrong towards her. The movie shows her femininity in a healthy and positive light that helps Elle get ahead. There is no demonization of femininity thematically. Her intuition and emotional intelligence is ultimately what saves the day even when everyone doubted her and viewed her as stupid, emotional, and irrational. The movie does a good job of showing the issues that women face without demonizing femininity. It shows Elle in a complex and nuanced way where no one part of her personality tells the whole story. This movie was released in 2001 and is very ahead of it's time especially when it came to addressing sexual harassment in professional environments. Part of me is sad that the message around this movie went over my head as a kid because it was a message that I really needed at that time. But now, I have so much appreciation for this and I honestly feel so empowered whenever I watch it. This movie also reminds me of the whole trend of bimbofication that's happening. The pendulum has swung from not wanting to be like other girls to celebrating other girls and feminine interests. I also found a tiktok that explains who the modern bimbo is: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMeSvY8tG/ It the link doesn't show up right, this is what it was saying: Who is the bimbo? What is a bimbo? These are multiple question I've been getting from Millennials. Who is the Gen Z bimbo? A bimbo ISN'T dumb. I mean... she kinda is but she isn't THAT dumb. She's actually a radical leftist who is pro sex work, pro BLM, pro LGBTQ+, pro choice, and will ALWAYS be there for her girls, gay and theys. "If you're homophobic, I'll castrate you " "LISTEN!!! This is an inclusive corperation! Bimbos, Thembos, Himbos" *wears something revealing* "I don't do this for the misogynistic male gaze, I do it for my gaze and damn my tits look good" (honestly, such a mood) It's about emotional intelligence at the end of the day And remember we always step on Trump Supporters. "hey, is that a Trump supporter? ewwww" *kicks the camera* TLDR: While both advocate for women to take back their power Elle Woods seems like the type of person who advocate for you during the #MeToo movement while P!nk's character seems like the type who would ask you what you were wearing when you got assaulted.

This video just feels like "how to be a dom 101" if you want to get into some light bdsm. Not all women are subs, not all of them are into bdsm style sex. Just communicate, figure out what your partner wants, and respect their needs and boundaries. You can't paint sexuality in a broad stroke. There is no magic technique. If I were to give broad advice I'd say the following: Know where the clitoris is and how to stimulate it figure out your stroke game because that is more important than size. Moan and say something. Silent isn't cute and can get awkward Prioritize her pleasure so the experience is reciprocal (also goes back to communicating)

I just took the test. I took option B because apparently their site is down for maintenance and I can't make an account. I found some of the questions on the test repetitive. Like if I have an answer for one question, I'm going to have the same answer in the other one or at least have it in the ball park if I'm sensitive to wording. An example of this is if you agree or disagree to the following statements: These two questions seemed too similar. As a result, I felt like it double counted some of my responses if that makes sense. I agree, how your personal attachment style manifests is more important than the quantification. I just don't think it's accurate if a test says you're all one or the other without any elaboration regarding where you fall under anxiety and avoidance. The way different attachment styles intermingle with each other can vary from individual to individual and it's something you have to contemplate on your own. There is only so much you can do to quantify emotions. For me, my tendency or being dismissive avoidant isn't so much about me being emotionally unavailable to the people in my life rather it has more to do with me being emotionally unavailable to my own needs. I often feel like I'm in between secure and dismissive because I fulfill one half of the dismissive side (being emotionally unavailable to my own needs) but not on the other half (disregarding people and being emotionally unavailable to others). A lot of less detailed tests say that I'm either one or the other without elaborating on how much of the other types I scored on. I think the result can give you only give you an idea regarding where you should start and what you should focus on more whether it is the anxiety, avoidance, or both but it can't explain everything at play. To me it's more of a snapshot if anything. I also think that attachment style can evolve over time and isn't just something determined in childhood. Different relationships, influences in your life, and the accumulation of different life experiences can all be a factor. I don't think a little bit of hot/cold is bad. It is a good way of creating chemistry. But I think it crosses the line when that becomes the entire dynamic of the relationship to the point where one or both parties aren't getting their need met, are getting possessive because of anxiety, or are withholding or avoiding communication etc.

I found a really good attachment styles test. Instead of boxing you into one style, it gives you a percentage which I find to be more detailed since the vast majority of people is probably not all one type. It also has a description of the types under your results. https://dianepooleheller.com/attachment-test/#header Also, any tips dealing with or coping with any attachment style is welcome especially for avoidant dismissive attachment styles but I have some bias there lol

Vulnerability This journal is a huge act of vulnerability for me. I sometimes catch myself thinking how this journal feels like a friend that listens to me without judgement, how I feel safe expressing myself here. I want to have more friendships like that where I can be more open about what I'm going through, my insights, my interests, and my emotions. I also started looking through my older entries similar to they way you reply memories of conversations with friends. I remember feeling incredibly vulnerable when I first started this journal. I was self conscious about writing these long posts because I feel vulnerable when I ramble or talk at length about something. I notice myself feeling similarly when I'm talking to a friend and I get the opportunity to talk at length about anything. I tend to be reserved in those situations. I don't want to bore anyone or take away their opportunity to speak. It also means having to really open yourself up. I know that I seem like an open person in my entries because of the amount of the amount of detail I put in but I'm not like this irl. Even writing in this journal took some getting used to. I feel vulnerable when I express negative emotions in a way when I write them in a stream of consciousness. I mention the way I go about expressing negative emotions because I don't feel vulnerable when I present negative emotions in a bullet point, I have a plan on how to address it kind of way. Taking a more strategic and masculine way of handling my emotions does not incite my vulnerability. It makes me feel like a plan to address my issues and an understanding of what's going on. That makes me lean towards feeling more secure. But when I approach my emotions in a more intuitive and feminine way where I'm letting what I feel flow through me in a stream of consciousness, that's when I feel more vulnerable. My writing feels more raw to where I'm hesitant to show it. The post below was difficult to write. I remember before posting, I was afraid of sounding over dramatic, whiny, and self pitying because I didn't have a plan of action laid out. I was nervous about been seen as weak, as needy, as doing the absolute most. I also don't think it's a coincidence that this is how my parents treated me growing up when I would go to them with a problem. I wasn't given empathy. I wasn't given reassurance. I wasn't given encouragement or comfort. Instead I was always told to stop being dramatic, figure out how to deal with the problem and for gods sake stop crying because or else they would give me something to cry about. Or they would be like "why are you doing this to me, why are you making us upset" I'm sure that's why I have issues with my attachment style. I'm a dismissive avoidant. I tend to be emotionally unavailable because I never got my needs fulfilled as a kid so now as an adult, I put too much emphasis on being independent and I don't ask for help or emotional support enough because I was conditioned to believe that my needs are too much and that I will be in pain if someone tries to help me. I noticed that I tend to be emotionally unavailable to my own needs rather than the needs of others. I never had an issue with being empathetic and warm towards others. I feel vulnerable when I talk about my flaws. It has to do with me basing my worth on my competence. I've already done a 5 part series on that. And finally, I feel vulnerable when I talk about self development. I'm nervous about talking about this with people irl because I don't think they'd understand or worse they will think I've gone crazy because of the way new agey concepts can be interpreted. I feel that this forum is a safe place for me to express this part of myself and I'm SOOOO thankful for that.

I found it wild that Don Beck didn't use SD correctly with Trump. I don't think SD is a good idea for everyone to know about it or have it go mainstream since there is a large chunk of people who aren't mainly green yet. I can see it becoming misconstrued and turned into a eugenics-y mess where hiearchies are more solidified to stroke people's biases even more. Complex models can be incorrectly weaponized to suit survival agendas. Me neither. The best I've found was high green with a well integrated orange. I find that people like that can be introduced to yellow ideas and ways of thought without resistance or backlash. If someone is high green without a well integrated orange, then they are less likely to want to investigate models in a methodical way (I.e. weed smoking hippie). That's at least what I observed from my experience. Also btw, I'm not sure if I mentioned this in anyone of my comments but I really like your journal and your succinct writing style.

Nu Mindframe has a lot of good videos on this and this is how I really learned about the subject in more detail as well as got started on dealing with some of the unhealthy aspects that came with my attachment style. She has a whole playlist talking about each individual style, why they develop, and how to deal with them.

Personal Boundaries vs. Oneness Re-watched this as a reminder. I got caught up with analyzing, dissecting, and letting go of boundaries in order to get out of my comfort zone to be more open minded. While that introspection can be very valuable, it can be taken too far to where you don't honor your needs and personal truth and therefore fuel inauthenticity. Healthy boundaries and oneness doesn't have to be separate. I really liked this quote from this video. Basically use your boundaries to go toward what you want instead of using them to run away. By going towards what you truly want, you are more in alignment and therefore honoring oneness by honoring you unique expression of source energy. By using a boundary to avoid what you don't want to experience, you are using your boundaries to keep out what is unwanted instead of going towards what makes you happy (ie closing yourself from intimacy because you're afraid). Also healthy boundaries don't impose on others. Healthy boundaries can change overtime because what we feel and our authentic expression can change overtime with circumstances and growth. Allow yourself to change and therefore change your boundaries. Being fixed with a boundary that no longer serves you isn't authentic to a naturally moving and growing identity. But this change needs to be according to your feelings not other people's feelings in order to maintain authenticity.

A Fluid Identity I found this video in my recommended and the quote above pretty much how I feel about myself and my identity at the moment. I started thinking of all of the people I used to be and I made a couple Pinterest boards to visualize what I was like in different points in my life. It was fun and I had a bunch of memories come back to me. Even back when I was 16/17 I had this feeling that I have a very fluid personality because I essentially felt like a different person every other year. I feel like that flexibility becomes more and more true as time goes on. I think that's especially the case as I explore myself more and I integrate different and sometime contradictory parts of myself. I'm not embarrassed at who I used to be (ok maybe a little but I can laugh at it and see it as a part of my growth) but I feel like I can accept myself even if I do a 180 from my current state. If anything it makes me excited to see who I'm going to morph into in the future and what kind of identity I'm going to embody next. Even though I am talking about ego, I feel like this is coming from a more exploratory perspective rather than one that is geared toward attachment. It's almost like I'm having fun trying on different costumes while I'm still here. I am not talking about transcendence but I'm sure I'll get there one day. But on the way there I'm going to have more fun. I have time, there is no rush. I kind of see this process in 3 stages. You have the solid ego stage where you have a very strong yet rigid sense of self. There is a sense of stubbornness that is there but that makes the ego defined and developed in this stage. Then your ego becomes more fluid. It still has form but it's much more adaptable and flexible. There is a lot of change as the identity goes with the flow of exploration but the ego is still there. And finally, you have the airy ego where you transcend the yourself. It merges with everything and it's everywhere but nowhere like air.

I once took this test a few years back in like 2017 and my results were really different. Since then I have done a lot of self development work along with therapy and that helped immensely. I suddenly remembered this test exists so I retook it.

Yeah I agree. There is a whole gradation of explanatory factors from conspiracy theories to spiral dynamics along different levels of consciousness with the models that incorporate higher consciousness being more accurate since they are more aligned with truth. Having a better understanding of the world, utilizing my mind and critical thinking skills better, and experiencing more creativity, joy etc. are my motivations for moving up the spiral. But it still good to know that spiral dynamics also has it's own limitations and I'm sure eventually at some point one would have to transcend spiral dynamics as a model (don't confuse the map for the territory ). It's a great tool especially for communicating on this forum. I wish people I knew irl knew about spiral dynamics because it makes sense of so many things and makes it easier to explain complex dynamics. I actually originally made this account to find people I could talk about spiral dynamics with lol. I didn't really watch Spongebob as a kid either. I just know too many clips and memes from people sharing them all the time .

I can relate to this. Even though I have never been in a relationship, I notice that I lead with and base my self worth on competence and this desire to appear indestructible so no one will take advantage of me. But deep down I want someone who I can be vulnerable with so I can myself up to gentleness which is my unmet need.

Awareness vs Focus On the surface this seemed liked yet another one of those law of attraction video that talk about manifesting abundance by focusing on abundance. I don't see anything wrong with that because imo, in order to get lucky, you need to be receptive for luck. If you want to spot a yellow car you need to have your eye out for a yellow car. Same with opportunity. But my problem with these type of videos is how it perpetuates the notion of positive thinking solving everything, you're just a millionaire down on their luck, and you just need to pull yourself up from your boot strap mentality. That attitude masks over any systemic issues that are at play an can interfere with the class consciousness needed to create change. It can also be weaponized for victim blaming. I like this video however because there is a focus on manifesting and focusing on the positive but there is also an awareness of the systemic issues at play. This can be best seen by Arian Simone's whole deal with her story. My main take away is that you can be aware of something without focusing on it. Like I'm focusing on writing this journal entry rn but I'm still aware of my surroundings. I knew the distinction between awareness and focus before when I made the decision to stop watching the news back in 2018. I was like, hey I know Trump is being a dumb fuck but I don't need to have that reminder everyday. I am informed about various social issues but I don't need to ruminate on them because that isn't helping me learn. It's just making me fatalistic and depressed. Even though I knew this for a minute, I think I really needed that reminder because of some of the thoughts I've been having lately about my future. Because it isn't healthy to expect yourself to mainly focus on the bad because that's just going to bring you down to where you don't even have the hope to bring yourself back up again. It also isn't healthy to focus on everything because that is exhausting and it isn't possible. Selective focus can be a gift when you use it correctly. I'm not saying to selectively focus on the good and be uninformed with what's happening around you to where you can't create a nuanced take on what's happening but I am saying it's good to have boundaries when it comes to what you take in so that your views and motivations aren't screwed.

Limiting Attitudes Around Money I've been contemplating about my limiting thoughts towards money for the past week. I noticed that I have a lot of guilt around spending on needs and wants. There is this robe that was in my Amazon wish list for 3 years now and it costs $98. I always wrote it off as too expensive and unreasonable so I never bought it. I also calculated the amount of money I spent on myself in the past year by looking at my amazon orders, my notes, and my credit card transactions and this is what I came up with. This doesn't include necessities like food, textbooks, or toiletries: Lotion ($16): This was a bath and body works lotion so it costs a little more and smells really nice. I didn't put this under necessities because I went out of my way to treat self to something more expensive Body wash (14): Same justification as above Body Butter (4): Normally just regular lotion does it for me and I normally skip on this because my skin doesn't get that dry. But this one just smelled really good. I feel guilty because if I'm going to be honest, I didn't really need it. Hand sanitizer (6): I bought this out of impulse when I was in bath and body works. It was one of those spray on hand sanitizers and it smelled really nice. Every time I look at it, I feel irresponsible. Serum (4): Bought it because I was breaking out Face mask (5): Same justification as before. Both of these were good products and were on sale. I know buying things on sale is not a justification for unnecessary spending and I try to avoid it but this time I caved in tbh. Face wash head band thing (7): Bought it because it looked soft and cute. Honestly don't need it because tying my hair back is sufficient. 4 candles for $5 each (20): I was really depressed and then I was like *hey candles make me happy* so I bought a bunch of them. I can say that these are probably the main things keeping me sane. It was worth it. 2 shirts $15 each (30): I really wanted to buy somethings. I really liked the two shirts that I bought and they are basically my favorites now but I felt guilty while I was buying it because lets be real I didn't need it. But now, I'm glad I did tbh because I get a lot of value from them. Eyeliner (7): ran out Foundation (11): ran out. Honestly, I don't think I would spend on skin care and makeup as much if I just had nice skin. Well I'm addressing the health issues that has been causing these issues through diet, exercise, and medication so that's a start. Shoes (20): My old pair of sandals tore so I replaced them A couple of books (14): Got a lot of value from them so it was worth it. A set of pens (14): I was having trouble focusing while taking notes so I was like *what if I had a bunch of pretty colors and used them to draw to convince myself I was doing something fun to sustain my attention* This was clever and it worked but I wish I had the will power to power through my lack of focus instead of having to spend money. Clever but not really necessary. Flowers (25): I get myself flowers every Valentines day because it makes me happy. Total: $193 I was surprised with the total because I always feel that I spend much more. This averages around $16 per month. I think that's because I tend to buy a lot of things at once so when I see that I spent $50 on just treating myself to something nice all at once, I tend to feel really irresponsible and frivolous. Like, I think some part of me also believes that I don't deserve nice things. The reason why I can remember all of this for the most part off the top of my head is because I remember standing in the store or sitting in front of the computer screen thinking about whether I really need this, if I deserved to treat myself (because after all what did I accomplish to deserve it), and how much will I use it. I think it's good to ask questions instead of mindlessly buying but I noticed that I tend to over do it. But I will be honest with myself and say that I made a lot of purchases because I was feeling depressed and wanted a way to cope. That's why I bought the body butter, the fancy lotion, the fancy body wash, the hand sanitizer, the head band, and the candles. All of that totals up to $60 out of the $193. That wasn't very responsible because things won't solve my problem. Sure they can be little joy, but I can do without them. Some of it had to do insecurities like the foundation, the serum, the mask which total up to $20. Loving yourself is free, coping like this is not. I could have saved $80 had I been more responsible. I might be nit picking here but I wanted to illustrate on how I feel about these purchases. Also, even though I can afford all of these things, I still feel guilty because my mind always goes towards how people can't afford to live like this. I feel like my emotions around not feeling like I deserve nice thing come from a variety of things. 1. A form of survivor's guilt: I grew up around people who can't afford college and health care and have bigger things to worry about than buying candle when they're sad. I had the privilege to grow up financially stable without worrying about when, not if, I go to college or what would happen if I got sick. And part of me has this guilt that's like *I didn't do anything to deserve this privilege, those people didn't do anything to deserve suffering* Treating yourself seems so frivolous when there are bigger problems in the world. Even though I didn't experience financial issues first hand I did know a lot of people who did and I think I absorbed those experiences. I think it's the survival mechanism where you see people around you struggling so then your brain is like *oh shit what if you're next, better prepare like there's no tomorrow because THAT could be you.* On top of all of this, I also had people assume bad things about me because my parents were financially stable even though I keep things low key and don't show off . 2. Millennials and avocado toast: I know there is that whole thing where boomers shame millennials for avocado toast and say that it's the reason why they can't buy a house or it's why they have student loan debt and how they just need to stop spending money on frivolous things and pull themselves up from their bootstraps. I remember as a kid having teachers and relatives lecture at me and my peers on how you millennials are entitled and how we expect everything to be handed to us because of how we live in a time of instant gratification. None of this made sense to me at the time because I was like 10 and so I was just sitting there like *ok and what do you want me to do about that....* All of this made even less sense as I got older because I began understanding systemic issues and how telling people to stop drinking lattes won't fix their financial problems unless they were drinking like a $1000 worth of lattes every month (and also, how tf would you even do that lol). Basically it's the whole attitude of if you have money problems, it's your fault and if you try to get yourself something nice, you are financially ruining yourself. My head always knows better but my heart and my subconscious mind just soaked everything up like a sponge and now here I am. 3. Being a disposable person under capitalism: I think capitalism has convinced me that my needs are luxuries and my wants are irresponsible. I notice myself feeling with this especially with health care. One time I was joking with a friend on how if I get cancer, go into coma, or get hooked up to a ventilator because I caught COVID while having a weak immune system and if the insurance doesn't cover it, I'd rather just die than get the medical attention I need and then have to deal with crippling debt for the rest of my life. Like natural selection caught me slippin and I went out like a g lmao. And life is so expensive for what? I'm not even having a good time lol. But on serious note, yeah medical attention is necessary to not die, but it's priced as a luxury. I had friends who have had mysterious migraines for years straight or have a limp because they got hit by a car once and they never got that checked because their families couldn't afford to do so. I think there is this part of me that sees myself as completely disposable. I know I was just joking and it was just dark humor but the more I think about it, the darker it is and the less humorous it is. 4. My parents being emotionally unavailable: My parents always provided for me financially pretty well growing up. Occasionally during arguments they would be like "we're spending all of this money on good schools only for you to misbehave what's wrong with you?" I also had adults around me about how kids are expensive and not worth it, how they're just leeches and burdens until they move out. Like they aren't wrong, but I think that messed up my self esteem as an 8 year old. Like I remember calculating how much my schooling costs and looking up how much it costs to raise a kid. That led to the following beliefs: I'm not going to have a kid in this economy in this trash world. I'm a burden and a leech. I owe my parent's financially and I have to pay them back. And even though my parents never told me that they regret having me, that they expect something from me, or told me that was spoiled or expensive, I feel that because they didn't provide me with much emotional support, our relationship felt more transactional thus leading me to feel that I financially owe them for putting a roof over my head as a kid. And in my mind, asking for help or support has always been difficult when it comes to being raised in an emotionally unavailable household, but when it comes to money, well you can add feeling like a leech into the mix. Note: I would never say to another person that they are obligated to their parents, especially financially for doing what they were supposed to do. After, all they chose to have a kid, you didn't choose to be born. It's up to them to raise you well so that you're provided for and so yall have a healthy relationship with one another. You're not obligated to them, they are obligated to you as a part of their responsibilities and life decisions as a parent. I think I have a double standard for myself because of my self esteem issues. The effects of all of this include, not being able to spend money for fun, freaking out about my ability to support myself in the future, under selling myself because I don't think I have value and that I'm disposable, being freaked out by emergency expenses and seeing needs as luxuries, and being pessimistic about growing up and life after college because of all of those things. That's why I want to address my limiting views on money. I think it stops me from advocating for myself, valuing myself, and manifesting what I want in life. As I began contemplating this, I realized that a lot of my issues with my mindset around money as issues around self esteem and not feeling worthy or deserving, Here are some videos I found helpful:

I've been contemplating my views around money and I tend to wonder if I'm cheap or if I'm too indulgent. I notice that whenever I try to spend more than $15 on anything nice for myself, I feel this need to be like "that's too much money I can't have it better detach from this to save because I don't know when I might need the money." There are also emergency things that come up and most of the time my parents pays for those things (like how our house needed repairs after the most recent storm and medical issues) but even though they are the ones paying and they are in a financially secure place, I catch myself panicking internally and wanting to not do things that I probably need to do because of the costs associated (this is especially true with health related things because I'm nervous about insurance not covering things and out of pocket costs because the US health care system is a mess). I guess I have this thing in my mind where I think I have to save every penny in order to have a decent and secure life without debt especially while I'm young. In my mind when I think of treating myself, my mind immediately goes to*well what about retirement, paying for your future kids college, stockpiling enough money to have a years worth of expenses at hand, being able to afford emergency expenses etc. you don't deserve to buy ____ unless you have all of that covered as soon as possible. I mean lets be real you don't NEED this. There are people in tougher situations than you and you're thinking about spending a little more money? Just be grateful for what you have, you don't need material things to give you joy. It's fleeting and a waste of time and money* Mind you I grew up financially stable and people would describe my family as upper middle class. I've been like this since I was a kid so basically as long as I can remember. Because of that, I think it's been normalized in my mind to think this way so idk if I'm doing the most or if I'm being reasonable.

Funny enough my parents always made fun of that stereotype which is why they are even more confused about why I turned out this way. They're like "well neither one of us modeled this behavior so where are you getting this from." My mom tries to tell me the same thing lol but I still catch myself feeling nervous around things that aren't an absolute necessity. I'm trying to look into those emotions more and work through them.

I think the biggest thing is being more emotionally open and empathetic. That can consist of a lot of things including but not limited to Practicing more kindness and expressing appreciation Opening up to both your male and female friends instead of feeling like you have to be strong all the time Acknowledging when you need help and asking for it instead of feeling like you have to do everything yourself Prioritize human connection and intimacy Self care and taking time for yourself for things like a nice face mask, a bubble bath, and doing your eyebrows. That goes a long way Letting yourself cry

I guess I didn't articulate myself really. What I was trying to hint at with "I never really had the urge to buy fancy cars, a big house, designer things and things of that nature" was that I don't view it as a desire to have a lot of extra wealth lying around for the sake of it. Of course, I don't have to buy those things if I don't want to even if I have the income for it. When I imagine myself being rich, I imagine myself living a pretty minimalist life and spending all that money either on my life purpose/ passion or a cause I really care about. While that is goal I intend to reach one day, I'm willing to have patience. The reason why I stress the difference between being financially secure and being wealthy is because to me the difference is the amount of extra money you have lying around to do whatever. I'm probably rambling at this point, but I think it's really unjust and sad that necessities like education, health care, and rent is something that a lot of people have to stress over. It's one thing to want to aim high because you have some fun aspiration like idk a nicer car than what you currently drive and it's a totally different thing to feel like you need to aim high because you don't want to get sucked into a terrible living situation with a lot of debt, instability, and lack of agency. I've been making it a point to look into side hustles and basic financial literacy since I was 16. Figuring out what to do isn't as much of a problem as the emotions that I have wrapped around my circumstance which can cloud good judgement and can get neurotic. I don't think it's so much about making money as it is figuring how to deal with the guilt and the shame around using that money. I feel like even if I were to make a good amount of money, there will always be this voice in my head saying that I'm not deserving enough and that I need to save that money in case of emergency instead of letting me enjoy myself and what I have worked for.

The main things they have implemented is aim for a high paying career or you'll be broke, don't impulse buy things, invest in necessities like your health and education guilt free, don't show off really expensive things because that can look douchey, and don't define people over whether or not they have any type of status symbols because materialistic things don't define a person. To me all of those are reasonable except for the high paying career one. Like mom, I love you but I don't have the desire to be a surgeon or investment banker because of the money. Deciding not to go to Harvard isn't going to put me in poverty. If anything, they think it's weird that I'm this frugal and this oriented around saving. I don't know if they are coming from a place of reason where they don't want me to go into this scarcity, penny pinching mindset where I'm depriving myself or if this attitude is coming from a place of boomer privilege because the world was much easier back when they were around my age and they could just save money for college by working a minimum wage job during the summer and avoiding lattes. I think what impacted me more than my parents is the socioeconomic area that I grew up in. Most of the people in my area are mainly lower middle with middle class people mixed in. I think I developed some type of survivor's guilt around money because seeing people having issues with rent, health care costs, and deciding whether or not they can go to college even though they are straight A students makes me think *well damn, what did I do to deserve my situation? Sure I'm spending on things I need for some people this is a luxury.* That's not to say that I denied my privileged when conversations about these things came up. Denying that type of thing is disrespectful because it's like you're acting as if you went through something you actually didn't thus creating a false sense of empathy. But I was pretty low key in my socioeconomic status because I didn't want to shove it into people's faces. It was more about being respectful about other people's circumstances rather than a need to hide my situation. Can you please expand on this. I'm just curious. I'm not really looking to be wealthy, just financially secure about my future. I never really had the urge to buy fancy cars, a big house, designer things and things of that nature. I just want to have enough money to where I don't feel like I have to think or worry about it and so that I can have some agency in mind. I want to continue having that financial peace of mind I had growing up but even that seems idealistic, difficult and privileged because of the way the middle class is shrinking and because of the way people's quality of life is dropping.

March 13th I remember this day last year pretty well. I had 3 exams in my classes. I aced two of them and the third one was cancelled. My professor said fuck it, he'll put the exam online since after spring break my college planned for 2 weeks of online classes after spring break. I was excited about that news and made my way back to my dorm. I sneezed on the way there and there was a guy who was far away from me who gave me the death stare. The whole situation with the lockdowns, the toilet paper running out of store shelves, and everything going online seemed absurd. A week ago, my study abroad trip was cancelled. Two days ago, I was told that we were moving online. It was all happening faster than I can emotionally process. There wasn't any panic from my end but the situation seemed so outlandish that my friends and I felt as if we had no choice but to make light of the situation because honestly, wtf. Also, all of this was on a Friday, Friday the 13th. I wasn't superstitious at all before but I can't say the same now lol. When I made it back to my dorm, I began packing my things. My roommate was doing the same. We were both thinking that this was going to be an extended version of spring break. We were also dancing around to this song because we thought it was funny. This is a song from Vietnam that was a public service announcement. Their target audience was children and their goal was to explain the situation in a simple and age appropriate way so that the kids get motivated to wash their hands and take precautions. If I didn't look at what the lyrics meant and didn't know what corona was, I would think that this song was fire lol. Vietnam: 3 U.S.: -1 Vietnam won the war with the U.S. did an amazing job with handling the virus, and managed to drop a hit single while the U.S. has been a complete mess this past year But on the bright side, my dad finally got the first dose of the vaccine today. He is scheduled to get the next one 3 weeks from now in April. Also, the U.S. managed to get a 100 million people to get their first dose already. That's on track with Biden's goals for his first 100 days. I don't agree with a lot of things when it comes to Biden and he wasn't my first choice but I am so glad he is taking some actual action with this. Trump on the other hand didn't even make a distribution plan for the vaccines before he left as a last *fuck you* for the next administration. Biden's administration also had a shorter time to move in and adjust because Trump refused to step down for a few weeks because he is a child. Normally, as soon as the election is done, there is a transition period from November to inauguration day in January so the next people in power can do what they need to do before taking office. Biden didn't have that same amount of time nor did he have anything to build on for vaccine distribution from the previous administration so the fact that he is making strides to get people vaccinated is great. https://www.aol.com/bidens-first-50-days-where-051008497-104724252.html https://www.cbsnews.com/news/covid-vaccine-100-million-shots-united-states/ And the cases have been dropping consistently lately so that's good. There has been 48808 new cases today which is around the level of how it was back in late June 2020. However, that same can't be said about the number of active cases unfortunately. But that dip in recent days says that we're at least going somewhere........ I guess

I've hit a similar wall recently because the amount of time alone I've had because of COVID. I don't think it's healthy to be alone 99% of the time unless you reached a certain point in consciousness work. I think what can happen to people from my experience is that they can get attached to detaching. By that I mean they are attached to whatever they think that detachment will bring them or because they having issues getting their needs met, they resort to detaching from those needs as a survival mechanism to reduce/ numb pain. Detaching prematurely, especially when it comes to needs that are unmet, can create a lot of shadows and then lead to repression. If this resonates, I would encourage you to try to meet and exhaust those needs until it isn't a need anymore. If the circumstances around you is so that you can't meet those needs ,work around them, but if it's something that is out of your control, I'd say respect and honor those needs instead of trying to transcend them for the time being Even though detachment can be challenging, there is a part of it that should feel natural because it is aligning with your current stage of development. Detaching too soon can lead to constant backlashes. Those backlashes aren't failures or a lack of will power rather it is a sign saying "hey, there is something here you haven't fulfilled or exhausted yet. Check this out or else there will be more backlashes telling you the same thing." Considering there is a part of you that knows stage orange goal oriented stuff won't make you happy, I wouldn't recommend doing pua stuff. Emotionally, you're recognizing those limits and they aren't resonating so doing that won't fulfill that need. There is a huge gap between stage orange and transcending your needs through consciousness work. Nothing wrong with doing the latter at any point, but when it comes to exhausting your needs, it's better to go step by step so you avoid shadows and repression. What about your stage green need, wants, and desires? How far do you think you exhausted those?

Pinterest I've been feeling like I've been doing better since I have cut down on the amount of self development/ spiritual content I have been consuming. Instead I have been connecting back to my likes and dislikes, my needs and wants etc. I feel rejuvenated despite journaling more often than usual on here. I feel more normal in a way, like I'm connecting more to my basic bitch side and that makes me feel like I'm more relatable and that I can go out and make more connections. This is a video that really resonated with me and where I feel I'm at. I also made a pinterest board. I originally started out figuring out what kind of clothes I wanted to buy. Then I started pinning a bunch of random things that I found pretty like aesthetics, room decor, and things I'm drawn to. I feel like it captures the vibe I feel like I resonate with. This whole thing felt strangely healing and restful. I wasn't expecting that but it was a pleasant surprised. I think it's because I'm acknowledging my form as an ego by focusing on my likes and preferences more and honoring that in a healthy way without feeling this constant need to detach. I have talked a lot about getting attached to detachment at length in my previous posts so I'm not going to reiterate that again even though I think it's related. I made a smaller board that captures my aesthetic more concisely for the sake of this journal. I don't know how this will show up in this journal but things that I noticed while making this is that I'm really drawn to lighter color palettes. The reason why I note that is because I remember a few years back I had this phase where I was the opposite where I was attracted to a lot of dark colors especially burgundy. My closet is still mainly black and burgundy. To me, my boards also gives me an airy vibe as well. The minimalist, less is more, lets get rid of anxiety and any other emotional/spiritual baggage by decluttering so that our space and mind isn't as busy vibe is still there as it has been since 2017 for me. It just looks different now with a different color palette and more flowers. I also find myself really drawn to florals, earth tones, and this particular neckline (I have no idea how to describe tbh but it's the white dress towards the center bottom of this picture) as far as clothes go. I think that gives it a more feminine and romantic energy which reflects my desire to be more vulnerable and be in a relationship but since I can't do that I'm going to resort to romanticizing my life so that I can step into my main character energy and also be gentle with myself. And honestly, I think that's a better idea than to go out dating during a pandemic especially considering the feat it is for me to find a man that actually impresses me. I think it's safe to say that most men disappoint me and that I'm better at loving myself, being patient with myself, being supportive with myself than any male that I've encountered. This is definitely my Virgo venus and my Capricorn mars talking lol. Ok rant over I'm going back to analyzing my aesthetic as if I'm in an art class. There is also this ethereal, almost heavenly essence that complements the airy yet romantic energy. I think this has to do with the amount of white in a lot of the outfits an the room décor images. I guess it's because when I think of a cartoonish version of heaven I imagine angels wearing all white surrounded by white clouds in a white background and then you go to a comfortable bed in a room with your favorite foods while getting a massage. This is further displayed but the amount of skincare pictures and perfume pictures I have on my boards. It's like they represent a more gentle and soothing version of self care focused on lighthearted indulgence as opposed to the messy side of self care that consists of digging through your trauma in therapy, crying at 2 am, and a lot of emotional labor. It goes along with the theme of wanting to take a break from a lot of the self actualization work I've been up to in the last few years. Finally, there is an element of dreaminess involved. I think it has to do with my escapist tendencies when it comes to dealing with the world being on fire. I tend to cope with this chaos either by daydreaming about moving to New Zealand where the politicians don't believe in Jewish space lasers, by studying different systems so I gain a sense of control through my understanding of the world, and then all else fails, resort to astrology and tarot because I feel that in order to hold on to some form of hope, I need something that is like religion. But the thing is that I'd rather deal with stage green tiktok witches rather than stage blue religious fundamentalists who believe that trans people will burn in hell. I was pretty angsty before as a teenager and there was a part of me that wanted to fight, was super angry about everything, and fantasized about punching Nazis as if I was some type of protagonist in a YA dystopian novel. My angst now is much less triggered and angry despite the world being even more of a wreck and that part of me that wanted to start a fight before now just wants to take a depression nap and then suddenly wake up in a stage green/yellow paradise. I think as I've been embracing my emotions more for the last couple years, I've been moving away from my Scorpio rising and Scorpio sun (even though it's still there) and leaning into my Pisces moon energy that I've been denying for a long time because I didn't like being described as sensitive and day dreamy. Side note: For the longest time I was into astrology ironically for the memes but I feel like what's happening to me now is the whole phenomenon where you start of making fun of something, then you move into doing it ironically, and next thing you know you actually like it. As I've been typing this, I can't take myself seriously and I can't type anything regarding my astrological placements with a straight face but at the same time, I can't say I'm not 100% joking . I'm turning into one of those people lol